Posted on July 29, 2023
The last Week In My Life post seemed to go down well and I have fun writing them so I might do them on a semi-regular basis, if I’ve got a week with some interesting stuff in it. I’ve been super busy recently and will be for a while so there may be a handful of weeks worth writing about; I guess we’ll see. This week was crammed full of interesting experiences, exciting and inspiring, but it was also really hard between the heat and my ongoing, searing back pain, plus the relentless mess that is my mental health. It seemed like a week that would be both interesting to write about and potentially read about.
The week in this post started on Monday 19th June 2023 and ended on Sunday 25th June 2023.
MONDAY
I got up early-ish, had a shower, and settled at my desk in the living room. I worked through my daily habits, like my daily Duolingo Dutch lessons (trying to revive my connection with my honorary Dutch heritage), and got to work on some blog writing and research. It was a quiet morning, which was good given how chaotically busy I’ve been and still am.
Early afternoon, I had a physiotherapy appointment to hopefully figure out what was going on with my back and how we might help it heal, help me manage the pain. But we got there and it wasn’t in their schedule: there’d been some administrative confusion but she had some time the next day and fortunately, the practice wasn’t far from my house so it wasn’t a huge amount of time wasted. We were back home pretty quickly and I could get back to work.
I wrote more of the blog post I’d been working on, did some diary catch up, and sent some emails that I’d been procrastinating. Emails are actually one of the ‘mundane’ things that I really struggle to do, I think because I had a deeply traumatic experience involving an email when I was a teenager that I’m still trying to get over. But still, every time I have to open what feels like a high stakes email, the level of anxiety I experience is overwhelming… and exhausting. I’m still working on it but I’ve trying different things since I was in my twenties, when I realised what a problem it was. I’m thinking about hypnotherapy…
I also had a couple of cool things to do. I worked through a series of interview questions for Indiefferential Magazine and sent them off (I think the issue is out at this point) and I revived my cat instagram, aprideofcats. I get so much joy out of posting pictures of my cats but I’m sure people would get bored of constant cat pictures, plus my main instagram account is basically my work account (that does sometimes involve pictures of my cats because sharing my life as a singersongwriter, neurodivergence and mental health activist, etc does mean sharing from all parts of my life and my home life is pretty full of cats, hence the ‘pride’ in the title).
They’re just so cute! So it’s going to be good fun to get to post about them more often again, hopefully making social media a happier space for myself after some difficult times on various platforms.
In the evening, I had a hydrotherapy session booked but my back pain was still so bad that the thought of going through the exercises and then having to shower afterwards made me feel nauseous. My back shouldn’t still have been hurting – the painkillers should’ve done the job according to the doctor – but I was still in so much pain even when taking the medication. Moving around without it was unbearable. So I needed to go back to the practice and ask what to do: the doctor had told me to give the drugs a couple of weeks and then come back if it wasn’t improving and it wasn’t. So, time for another trip to the GP.
So I put on a movie, did some more writing, had a scroll through social media, and went to bed at around eleven, although I didn’t get to sleep for a couple of hours.
TUESDAY
I woke up just before nine but lay in bed for a while, working on my habits, scrolling through social media, and replying to some messages that I hadn’t had the energy to reply to the night before. Then I had a shower and set myself up in the living room. spending several hours writing more blog stuff. It was set to be a chilled but productive morning but then the pain in my back slowly started to build. By the time a couple of hours had passed – just as it was time for my physiotherapy appointment – the pain was so bad that I couldn’t actually move. The slightest movement sent pain roaring through my back and what was even worse – and quite scary – was that I also had pain creeping down my leg until I couldn’t move that either. It was awful; it might be the worst pain I’ve ever been in, worse than the cracked rib, worse than when we’ve had to call ambulances because of migraines. I don’t know what I did – and neither does anyone else, it seems – but clearly I seriously fucked up something in the muscles in my back.
Because the physiotherapist was so close, she was nice enough to run down and come and talk to me where I was stretched out on the sofa. She was lovely and suggested physiotherapy when I’ve recovered from the pain, which she’d be happy to guide me through, as well as recommending a TENS machine – a little gadget with wires and electrodes that passes electric pulses through your muscles to relieve pain – to help with the pain while I recovered. I’d never heard of them but her explanation was enough to convince me and when she left, I ordered a highly recommended one straight away.
Pausing to look at social media, I saw that Candi Carpenter – whose EP I’ve been (and still am) completely obsessed with – was playing a show in London, a rare occurrence since they live in Nashville. I missed their show last time, I think because I was still too anxious around COVID so I wasn’t missing this one. I booked tickets, for both me and my Mum, who is also a big fan. It was gonna be a blast; I couldn’t wait. (Spoiler alert: it was fucking fantastic.)
The pain eventually receded and I spent a couple of hours working on blog posts before going to therapy. My therapist and I had both created lists of things that we feel need to be discussed and worked through and we compared them, merged them; it wasn’t fun. In fact, it was pretty miserable and stressful. I know therapy isn’t supposed to be sunshine and rainbows but god, sometimes it feels like peeling layer after layer of skin off until there’s nothing left. Sometimes it feels unbearable. But I got through it and there have been harder ones since.
I walked out and when I checked my phone, I saw that Taylor Swift had released all of the international dates of the ERAS Tour (I swear, she always announces or releases stuff when I’m therapy – it’s weird). That is super exciting news because I want to go so, so badly but it was also really stressful, thinking about what an absolute disaster the ticket sales in the US had been. I’m not keen to go through an experience like that; it’s meltdown territory for sure.
I flung myself into the car and started the registration process on my phone as we rushed home. I set up multiple screens at my desk to register properly and register on behalf of a couple of family members; being ‘the Taylor Swift girl’ does result in this kind of scenario occasionally, not that I really mind. It wasn’t stress-free process, especially after the mess that was the US ticket sales. And the venue accessibility doesn’t seem to make it any easier; in fact, it’s probably harder because there are fewer accessible seats. So that was stressful but I did have a handful of chaotic and funny conversations with friends who were also trying to register. We’d all love to go together but I’m not sure we’re organised enough for that; I guess we’ll see when the tickets actually go on sale. It would be so, so fun though.
I spent the rest of the evening having a somewhat calmer catch up with some friends. I was too tired to do much more than that. I did do some (very) early Christmas shopping, something that’s consistent with my previous experiences with Phenelzine: for some reason, my brain just gets hyper-focussed on the idea and the urge to be prepared takes over and suddenly I’ve bought presents for half of my family (December and January are always a lot because, as well as Christmas, most of the family have birthdays in those two months – it can get very expensive so starting this early isn’t necessarily a terrible idea even if it looks weird on the surface).
I also continued making bead bracelets, inspired by the ERAS Tour and my current ADHD hyperfixation; it’s really soothing and it’s fun to make them for people, with colours and words that are relevant to them.
I went to bed too late and then couldn’t sleep; I was still awake at three, which wasn’t fun.
WEDNESDAY
I woke up around nine to a very warm day. I was struggling very quickly (hot weather makes the symptoms of my hEDS and POTS even worse, especially if I get dehydrated), as were the cats…

This is Tiger in her classic ‘IT’S TOO HOT’ position. I felt for her but I can’t help but laugh too because she just looks so funny. I felt even more for our two fluffy cats (who were nowhere to be found – most likely in a cool spot somewhere).
I worked through my daily habits and then got ready for the day, plus packing for the next day since I’d be staying over in London. Then Mum and I got on a train and headed into London and over to South Kensington to experience Dopamine Land. I’ve heard several people say that it was a bit lame but I absolutely loved it. Maybe it’s the ADHD and the craving of dopamine but I had such a great time, playing in all of the different rooms with different lights and colours and environments; it all just made my brain so happy, like it was singing to the same frequency as everything happening in the rooms. It was just a really joyful (and actually quite inspiring) experience.
I kept my Instagram post quite brief but I thought I’d include some more pictures and thoughts here because it was just so fun and made my brain so happy; I wanted to share my favourites and why I loved them so much, although I am tempted to make a longer post about the whole experience. I guess, we’ll see.
The first room was similar to Yayoi Kusama’s Infinity Rooms, which I’ve always loved so I had a blast in there and wished I could’ve stayed longer (that was one of the few that had a time limit)…
I’ve been thinking about it a lot – apart from it being colour and pretty and cool to watch – and I’m not sure I know how to explain why I love them, both Kusama’s Infinity Rooms and this room; there’s just something about them that presses all of the right buttons in my brain and I just feel so joyful in that environment. I could happily have a sensory room in my house like that for when I’m struggling, not that I could probably ever afford it.
Another of my favourites was called Lucid Dreams with a looping video of all these different visual effects with different colours, different sounds, and what look like different textures. It was beautiful and soothing and mesmeric and I didn’t just want to touch it, I wanted to live inside of it. I’d love to know who designed it and who created it; it was just so beautiful and I could’ve sat there, watching it over and over again for hours.
And my other favourite was called Fire Lantern and it was probably the most soothing of the whole experience. It was almost completely dark with all of these lanterns hanging from the ceiling and big beanbags strewn around on the floor. I could’ve wiled away hours and hours, lying on one of the beanbags, looking up at the lanterns in the quiet, just the murmur of other people’s voices in the background. Again, it was another space that would be welcome in my house for when I get stressed and overwhelmed and need to disappear from the world.

The description for that room read: “Give a moment to appreciate those around us, and those who are not, as you bask under our canopy of glimmering light. Dopamine plays a part in encoding and consolidating memories and fire lanterns hold an important role in many culture’s social events and festivities, lighting the way for souls of the ancestors. Contemplate the beauty of these mesmeric lanterns and remember fondly those with whom you have parted ways.” I thought that was really gorgeous and a nice counterpoint to the more mindless fun of, say, the shadow puppets and the ball pit.
When Mum and I finished there, we headed over to my London home base, to one of my other parent’s flat, and found her and her neighbour in the garden with the neighbour’s two dogs and their puppies (I can’t remember if I’ve talked about them on here before). The little girl, Skye, seemed to just choose me from the moment she saw me when she was a few weeks old and with every visit, she somehow seems even more excited to see me, basically defying gravity to climb up my leg and into my arms. Once there, she settles right down and all is calm again – apart from the other two. It’s one of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen and I’m completely besotted at this point. I tried to stay detached but, with how we’ve bonded, I don’t think I could have, even with all of the willpower in the world.

After catching up with everyone, Skye firmly snuggled into my chest (often tucked under my chin or with her head resting on my shoulder), the two of us lay down on the sofa bed and had a nap together. I was exhausted – from the travel, from running around Dopamine Land, from the still significant pain – and fell asleep with Skye stretched out on top of me.
I woke up a couple of hours later and Skye was still there – she is just too cute to handle. She was staying for a sleepover, practicing being away from the rest of her family but she remained curled up with me for most of the time we were both there. The three of us had pizza from the amazing Italian place around the corner (the human three of us – Skye was not included regardless of how badly she clearly wanted to be) and watched a movie before going to bed nice and early since Mum and I had to be out of the house at about eight. I didn’t sleep particularly well, anxious about the next day and the potential for triggering more pain in my back, but every time I woke up Skye was either stretched out on top of me or pressed up against me; if I had to keep waking up, that was the way to do it.
THURSDAY
So, before I talk about this day, I need to talk about Breathing Room by Anna Berry, an installation I came across when I was searching for autistic artists during the final project for my Masters.

Breathing Room by Anna Berry (x)
It’s a tunnel-like structure made up of panels covered in paper cones; to me, they look like petals or leaves or feather but I don’t know what other people see. The outside is rigged to recycled bicycle parts that seem to move at random, causing the panels to shift almost imperceptibly and making it look like the structure is breathing. You almost can’t see it, it’s that subtle. I instantly fell in love with it and waited impatiently for it to travel further south, Bristol having been the closest exhibition site to me. But the week before, I’d seen on Instagram that it was coming to London and not only could I finally visit it, I could volunteer to help put it together in the days before. I was beyond excited. I had to think about it seriously because the back pain was still brutal and I was worried about whether I would be capable of doing everything they’d want me to do but this was an experience that I desperately wanted to do, one that was potentially once-in-a-lifetime. So I decided to try and do my best with the mobility (and strategies) that I had and having talked the whole thing through with my Mum, she decided to volunteer too, both to support me and because she knows how passionate I am about it and we thought it would be fun to do together. So, all caught up…
The morning was a struggle, especially with Skye trying to help me with every task (none of which required the help of a dog, although it was cute), but Mum and I managed to get up and out of the house on time and drove over to the site of the installation. We did get very lost and confused but we made it, only a little late, and everyone there was really lovely (between the permanent team and the volunteers, there were probably about fifteen of us in total). They briefed us on the different cones and how to attach and arrange them and then we got to work. It was quite meditative work, following the instructions over and over again. My only difficulty was the material of the rods, which you could give you some pretty nasty splinters, hence the gloves. But even with the gloves, every now and then I felt like there were tiny slivers of fibreglass burying under my skin and the stinging sensation didn’t go away for days, which wasn’t particularly pleasant.
For most of the session, we were in the direct sun, which did get pretty hot and I managed to get a pretty solid sunburn along one of my arms. And, of course, it’s the only time in my life where a sunburn has turned into a tan and because of the gloves, the line is noticeably high up my wrist – I’ve had it for over a month now and I’m not kidding when I say that it entertains me every time I see it. It just looks so silly.
It was a really cool experience and serendipitously, I ended up getting to meet Anna Berry herself. She was really lovely and we talked about how I’d researched the piece for my MA, how it fitted into a songwriting MA (I might do a whole post about it because I love it so much and find it so fascinating), which got us into a very exciting creative conversation that will hopefully lead somewhere. Well, it will lead somewhere; it could just lead to a handful of different interesting places. All of them could be very cool.
I would’ve loved to have stayed and do the second shift but I was getting tired and my back was really hurting, even with painkillers. So we said goodbye to everyone (that involved walking through a completed section of the tunnel, which took my breath away – it was just stunning) and headed home (London home). I was completely exhausted and ended up crashing on the sofa and sleeping for about three hours. Four hours of coning was surprisingly tiring but I guess I was also trying to cope with the pain.
When I struggled up, we had an early dinner together before me and Mum drove out to High Wycombe to see Tim Minchin; it was the only date that had any tickets at all and even then, me and Mum couldn’t sit together. But we were there for the show and had plenty of time in the car to talk about it afterwards so it was all good. We were just happy to be there. And holy shit, we were right to be. The show was amazing. There’s a weird sort of cognitive dissonance to being at a Tim Minchin concert without any comedy songs although, to be fair, many of his ‘serious’ songs do have lyrics here and there that have a humorous twist. And even though he plays very few, if any, of his iconic songs, the show is incredibly compelling (I found it particularly mesmerising being so high up and watching him play the piano, plus watching him make mistakes was both entertaining and oddly comforting because it showed such a deeply human side to him when often we see him just as this hugely skilled musician and writer). He talked about the theme of the show being songs from different people’s points of view but I thought it gave us a really unique insight into him in a way that his comedy songs don’t. Getting to see both kinds of songs live was really special. I was just lost in the magic of it from start to finish.
When introducing one of the songs, he started talking about neurodivergence and I suddenly got very nervous – almost panic attack nervous – expecting him to make some naively ignorant and offensive comment as so many people do. But he didn’t. He clearly had a nuanced understanding of it and while I doubt it was perfect – none of us get it perfect all of the time – it meant a lot to hear him talk about it:
“There’s a punchline to all this self-indulgent reflection on my capacity… or my tendency, to write songs from other people’s points of view, which involves the extraordinary prevalence of autistic people in my audiences… and my family […] and how they’re so much better than normal people. ‘Normal!’ [Laughs] [Audience laughs] Neurotyps. My daughter is on the Autism spectrum – we talk about ‘neuro-quirky’ – and obviously these days there’s all this terminology. People talk about neurodiverse people, if we’re into policing language, which we seem to be these days: ‘It’s the most important thing: get the language right and all of history’s problems will go away!’ [Audience laughs] ‘Wagging the tail of the dog and the dog’s happy!’ [Audience laughs] Anyway… We’re all just all about words these days. Post modernism. It’s fucking great… [Audience laughs] Words… words, of course, are powerful. So we talk about neurodivergence as well as neurodiversity, [which] is what we all are. Neurodivergence is a certain… is Autism and ADHD and these categories, which of course will change as we discover more. The umbrellas will go inwards and outwards and stuff. [He told a story about a woman asking him to play a song, ‘So Much Love,’ from a musical he worked on about twenty years ago.] Anyway, the woman who slipped into my DMs and asked for that song explained to me that the reason she loves it is because she’s autistic and she finds it very, very hard to communicate with people how she’s feeling and often upsets people because she struggles with… you know, she’s masking all the time and finds it hard to have genuine relationships with people so that song means a lot to her, which meant a lot to me… that she shared that with me. What’s extraordinary is that it’s certainly not the first time I’ve had a message from a neurodivergent person because, since I wrote Matilda, I have had hundreds and hundreds and hundreds […] of messages from autistic people, ASD people, parents of non-verbal ASD people, um… talking about ‘Quiet’ and what it means to them and it’s one of the great joys of my career is that somehow, by writing from the point of view… by me trying to step into the shoes of a six-year-old with a big brain… I’ve managed to tap into an experience of what it might be like to live in the crowded or busy or difficult brain of an ASD person. And it’s kind of also weird because it’s all sort of come full circle because my other connection with Autism is that my daughter has ASD, which is interesting because the song I wrote about her when she was three weeks old, ‘White Wine in the Sun,’ has been donating its proceeds to Autism charities for sixteen and a half years, many, many years before we knew Vi had ASD. And so… I think what I’m trying to say is I always thought I was, like, the absolute definition of the neurotypical person. [audience laughs] I… Really. And I still think I am. My autistic fans and my daughter are, like, [makes a face that looks like ‘are you serious?’] [audience laughs] But… Obviously, understanding what ASD has expanded greatly since my cousin who is very high needs ASD was diagnosed many years ago. What I’ve realised is the thing that I think makes me most neurotypical, which is that, when someone presents me with data that flies in the face of a previously held assumption, I just change my mind. And I’m like, ‘That’s what a normal person does. Like, they’ve got these feelings, then someone presents data that invalidates their feelings and so they go, okay, I’ll feel something differently. And that’s, like, normal, right? And it’s like, that’s not normal. [Audience laughs] And it’s very, very frustrating and probably the source of most of my comedy career is my frustration with the fact that people prioritise their feelings over data. But anyway, fucking humans, eh? I don’t know why we fucking bother. Anyway, here we go, here’s ‘Quiet.’ Just one more thing, my audience as I said earlier tilt neurodivergent and I… I FUCKING LOVE how interesting my audiences are. It’s like… If I feel doubt about my work, I look at the types of people who come and watch me and I just go, ‘Fuck, I’m doing something right.’ [audience cheers]”
That speech almost had me in tears. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so recognised and so valued by a public figure before and I appreciate it more than I can express. I actually wrote him an Instagram message but I have no idea if he ever saw it; he must get so many.
It was an amazing show and even though I was exhausted, I was emotionally and creatively invigorated by it, by the whole day. I’d been thinking about the song inspired by Breathing Room and the show had me scribbling in my notebook despite the dark with multiple different song ideas. If I hadn’t been so tired (and my hands hadn’t been stinging so badly), I would’ve gone home and sat down to write then and there. But when we did finally get home, I was so tired that I just had to go to bed. I think I was asleep in less than five minutes.
FRIDAY
I slept in and then lay in bed for a while, doing my habits – Duolingo, reading a bit, and so on – and having a quick look at social media before getting up just before twelve. After a shower, I settled in the living room and spent a couple of hours working on various blog posts, as well as replying to various texts and social media messages that I hadn’t had the time or the brain space to deal with over the previous few days.
At two, I had my weekly Zoom date with one of my uni friends and we got caught up – and went on many, many tangents – for several hours before watching an episode of Primeval, the show we’re watching at the moment (we both watched it when we were younger and decided that we had to revisit it – we laugh a lot…). It was a really nice call. We always have really nice calls; they’re always a highlight of my week.
We ran over my soft deadline, as usual, (we both have ADHD and neither of us are particularly good with time) and then I ran around like a headless chicken, trying to get everything done and find the stuff I needed before I had to leave for therapy. We talked about a lot of things – I felt very all over the place – and while it wasn’t a brutal session like some of them can be but it wasn’t easy and I was exhausted by the time we finished, plus my back was killing me. I’d ended up almost lying on the sofa in my therapist’s office, trying to find even one position that didn’t make me want to cry or throw up.
When I got home, I discovered that the TENS machine the physiotherapist had recommended had arrived so I tried to figure that out. We attached the electrodes to the most painful parts of my back and, once I’d found the right settings for me, the pain seemed to just smoothly dissipate. It was such a relief that my knees nearly buckled. And after wearing it for a little while, the pain was all but gone; suddenly I could actually move again, although I still had to be careful. The pain would slowly reappear when I turned it off but it did give me real periods of relief, which felt so, so good.
Given that I was heading up to London again the next day, I went to bed early and actually managed to drift off relatively quickly.
SATURDAY
I woke up painfully, before six, and couldn’t get back to sleep. I worked on my habits, had a scroll through social media, and sent some messages when it got late enough that I wouldn’t be waking people up. Then I got up, had a shower, and settled in the living room. I did some blog writing but I struggled to concentrate after such a bad night. But it wasn’t long before Mum and I were packing our stuff and heading for the train.
The Royal Docks isn’t the easiest place to get to and it took a long time – and a lot of effort and pain – but eventually we made it, reaching a complete and beautiful Breathing Room. We sat for a bit and had some lunch, watching people go in and out; I was surprised by how many people just walked past without investigating, especially since it was free. If I saw something that weird, that intriguing – and it was free – I’d be inside in a heartbeat.
It was an incredible experience, even better than I’d expected in all of the time I’ve been waiting to visit it (over two years at this point). It was pretty quiet and after a while of walking up and down inside it, I just sat in the corner of one of the turns and absorbed the experience. I watched it ‘breathe’ as the panels moved, the cones quivering almost imperceptibly, and listened to the gentle creaks and groans. I loved it. I wanted to live in it. I could feel the song ideas spooling out in front of me, like balls of string unrolling and I just breathed it all in. It was one of the most breath-taking experiences I’ve ever had (I know I’m using a lot of breath related language but that’s just what’s coming naturally). Emotionally, I could’ve sat there for hours but between my physical limitations and my time commitments, that wasn’t exactly practical. So, eventually, I very reluctantly dragged myself outside and sat on the edge of the water with Mum. It was so hot and I was so tired that I actually fell asleep for a little bit and then desperately struggled to wake up, drifting off over and over again (which one of the guys on the team found very funny – totally fair).

But eventually we were up and moving again, parting at the DLR station. I said goodbye to Mum and was sitting, waiting for my train when everything started going wrong (not seriously but in a very not fun way). A man approached me and asked if I could check whether he was on the platform for his destination and because trying to help is my default position, I helped him with his route and then politely made conversation until the train arrived. But then he had me semi-trapped and started oversharing about his life and asking me out (even though he must’ve been at least ten years older than me). And when I said no, he just kept reframing the question and basically trying to emotionally manipulate me into saying yes, trying to make me feel bad for him so that I’d say yes; I couldn’t escape and early on, I’d stupidly mentioned when I was getting off so I was stuck. He wasn’t doing anything but I felt distinctly unsafe and pressured and when we finally stopped at my stop, I flew off the train and was up the escalator and halfway down the street before I turned to see if he’d followed me (that is something that’s happened before and I was not leaving that opportunity open again). I didn’t see him but, shaken, I called one of my parents as I tucked myself into the bus stop and we talked the anxiety down. Writing it out, it seems silly to have felt so freaked out by it but that’s the truth; that’s how the experience made me feel.
By the time I’d done my bus trip and reached my London home, my heart rate had returned to normal and I felt pretty much like myself again. And being greeted by six dogs was definitely a good way to completely distract me and change my mood entirely. Skye climbed up my leg and into my arms, which was possibly even more adorable than it usually is, and we all went inside so that I could lie down on the sofa… at which point all six dogs tried to sit on me. That started out being very cute and ended up being deeply chaotic given that they all got jealous of whoever was being stroked at the time (obviously it’s a bit hard to stroke six dogs at once, even if they are very little dogs). After that, it wasn’t long before most of them went home and me and Skye curled up together and me and my parent settled in for the rest of the afternoon and evening. I’d thought that I’d tried to do some work but, in the end, I just didn’t have the energy and snuggling with Skye and having a family catch up and hang out felt like a more important use of my time.
I did make sure to post some cute pictures on my cat instagram though…
We’ve been trying to sit down and binge watch Citadel, something we both love doing together with a new show when we have the time. We got ourselves pizza (we do actually eat vegetables when we have pizza, by the way – just to reassure you guys that I’m not in danger of developing scurvy) and settled in to watch. We didn’t quite manage it all before the both of us started falling asleep (and Skye was long asleep but I think it’s safe to say that she isn’t Citadel’s target demographic). So we decided to finish it in the morning and I stretched out and went to sleep, Skye tucked into my side. I was so tired that I forgot to take my pills, which shocked the hell out of me: in ten years of taking medication, I could probably count the number of times I’ve done that on one hand.
SUNDAY
I woke up early again, although not as early as the day before, but I couldn’t really mind: it just gave me more time to snuggle with Skye, who was still all warm and sleepy. She just wanted to be close and I was very happy to oblige. So we spent a couple of hours that way; I stroked Skye with one hand where she was curled up on my chest and went through my habits, messages, and social media on my phone with the other. There are certainly worse ways to start the day.
Then, after a shower and some breakfast, we finished Citadel (Season 1). I’ll obviously be writing about it more in my end of the year, media review post, but I really enjoyed it on the whole. There were moments that were a bit too clichéd for my taste but I liked the characters, the storyline, and the stunts looked fantastic. I’m intrigued to see where they’ll take the second season.
It was a very, very hot day, so hot that, even though I absolutely adored Breathing Room, I grudgingly decided not to go; the idea of getting there and back in that heat felt overwhelming. I’m not sure I actually good have done it, between my pain and autonomic dysfunction. So, instead of rushing off, I hung out in the garden with the little community of neighbours, which was really nice. Because of the personal stuff that isn’t mine to discuss – before the last couple of months – it’s been a long time since I’ve been visiting consistently and so I haven’t really been present in that space and multiple people have moved in and out of the block of flats in that time so, since coming back, I haven’t really felt part of the little community of neighbours but now I’m starting to and it’s really, really nice. We had a nice time hanging out, even if I was running on less brainpower because of the heat.
I didn’t take many pictures that day but here is a collage of the photos I took of Skye over the weekend…
I just can’t get enough of her.
The stars aligned and another of my parents was also heading home from London so we managed to meet at a convenient station to catch the train home together. As I was walking there – very slowly because breathing in that heat was like trying to breathe underwater – I listened to the new Maisie Peters album and absolutely fell in love with it on first lesson. I honestly can’t pick a favourite song, or even five favourites; there are a couple that I don’t love quite as much as the rest but I basically love every track. I’ll write about it more in my National Album Day 2023 post when I’ve had more time to listen and think but I think it’s already safe to say that it’s one of my top albums of the year.
I dozed on the train home, even though it was hot and busy and loud, and then, when I got home, I fell asleep properly on the sofa (it was an exhausting week, what can I say) and slept for a couple of hours until screaming pain in my hip woke me up. That was unpleasant. After I worked the pain out of the joint, I struggled up and Mum and I spent the evening catching up, watching a movie, and I did a bit of blog writing. But even with all of my naps, I was still exhausted and went to bed earlier than usual. And I was so tired that not only did I forget to take my pills again but I also fell asleep without turning the light off; I was that tired. I woke up confused in the middle of the night and turned it off and it wasn’t until the next morning that I realised what had happened. Life is really pushing me to my limits at the moment.
So, a busy, emotional week. This was back in June and I was definitely burning myself out, if only because I was so excited to feel joy again (the hard stuff was still there, of course, but I haven’t felt real joy in so, so long – it’s hard to turn opportunities for it away when they present themselves). I kept pushing for another few weeks before I really had to take a break, both for my physical energy levels and my emotional energy levels; it was all getting too much. But exciting things are still happening, even as I try to slow the pace down a bit.
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Posted on October 16, 2021
Today is National Album Day and this annual blog post is one of my very favourites to write. Over the year – since National Album Day last year – I’ve written about my favourite albums or the albums that have given me a lot to think about. Albums are so important to me – both as a listener and as a singersongwriter – and once I get lost in the world of an album, that world just gets bigger and bigger. I find more and more layers, more and more things to think and talk about.
This year, the day has a theme and that theme is celebrating women. Most of the albums I’ve written about in this post are the works of women but there are a few albums written and recorded by men, partly because I started writing this post before I knew that there would even be a theme and partly because I really wanted to talk about their work – as I said, I get very excited and enthusiastic about songwriting and albums and music. These posts just get longer and longer as I listen to more music, as I learn more about music and songwriting and what goes into each album. Sometimes my enthusiasm just gets away from me and suddenly I’ve written an essay where I meant to write a paragraph…
Apart Together by Tim Minchin (November 2020) – I was very curious about what this album would be like, given that 99% of what I’ve heard of his has been comedy. But one of the things that makes this album so fascinating and so clever is how he incorporates humour into the songs: through wickedly funny lyrics in the middle of otherwise serious songs, like, “And wake up in four hours or so / Soaked in relief to find I am alone / With the wrappers of Pringles and Snickers / For which to atone” in ‘I’ll Take Lonely Tonight,’ a song about staying committed even when you’re lonely (or as Minchin himself says, “trying not to have sex with other people,” in his typical irreverent style); through exploring pretty profound emotions but in fairly ridiculous scenarios, such as the plane crash he sings about in ‘If This Plane Goes Down’ where he examines the shallow and the deep parts of himself (“If this plane goes down / Remember me as someone who tried / To find a balance between self-loathing and pride / Dug too hard for love at times,” for example); and via wry, self-deprecating self-reflection throughout ‘Talked Too Much, Stayed Too Long,’ where he sings about where he’s come from and where he thinks he’s headed, but always coming to the conclusion that he’ll ultimately be known for his tendency to ‘talk too much and stay too long.’ This mix of humour and depth makes the album very unique, in my music library at least; I think it’s a hard skill to master. And he has such a unique voice as a writer that, even when he abandons all humour and leans deeply and sincerely into raw emotion, as he does in the final track, ‘Carry You,’ the lyrics are absolutely identifiable as his. I also felt that the instrumentation and production were both extremely cohesive with each song’s lyrics and as an album as a whole. It’s a great album and I can’t wait to hear him perform some of them when I see him live in a few weeks.
Favourite Tracks: ‘Absence of You,’ ‘I Can’t Save You,’ ‘Talked Too Much, Stayed Too Long,’ ‘Leaving LA,’ ‘I’ll Take Lonely Tonight,’ ‘If This Plane Goes Down,’ and ‘Carry You.’
Open Book: Unabridged by Kalie Shorr (December 2020) – I was really surprised when I saw that I hadn’t included the original version of Open Book in last year’s National Album Day post when it’s one of my favourite albums ever, but then I realised that I’d written about it in my post about my favourite albums of the 2010s. I’m also in the middle of writing a post about the whole album, like I did with folklore (although hopefully not quite as long as that one turned out to be). So, that being said, I’ll leave you to read my previous post and await my upcoming post. However, I do want to briefly talk about the tracks that were added to the album for the Unabridged edition: ‘My Voice,’ ‘Eighteen,’ ‘Out of It,’ and ‘Lying To Myself.’ I love all four of these songs and I love how they all bring something different to the album.
‘My Voice’ is full of defiance and self-empowerment, a call to be yourself in an industry that’s constantly trying to make you into something else. If there’s such a thing as a ‘Kalie Shorr lyric,’ then “The only time I’m gonna be boxed in / Is when I’m six feet under in a coffin” is most definitely one. ‘Eighteen’ is heartbreakingly vulnerable (the bridge in particular – “I see you out with younger versions of me / While I’m trying to find who I used to be / I’m terrified that you and I will always be / Chasing eighteen” – gets me every time) and it almost always brings a lump to my throat: I can’t help but think of my own messy relationship and break up from around that age. ‘Out of It’ echoes back to the Awake EP and its title track but this time, Kalie isn’t getting sucked back in to her ex’s drama and it was so cool to see that growth. That’s something I love about songwriters who write autobiographically (for the most part at least): as a listener, you get to see then grow in so many ways, as a writer, as an artist, and as a person. And that feels like a real privilege. And finally, there’s ‘Lying to Myself,’ which questions a past relationship and whether it (and everything that came with it) was ever real, simply and perfectly summed up with the chorus line of “Wеre you lying to me or was I lying to myself?” They’re all stunning lyrically but this one has truly gorgeous descriptions, like “I pickеd out all my favourite things you said / Then like a delusional architect / I built you up like a house of cards” and the evolution of “And I helped you up on that pedestal / Damn, you looked incredible” into “You liked it up on that pedestal / ‘Cause damn, you looked incredible” (goddamn, if that doesn’t take the wind out of me every time I hear it – she could be describing my own relationship). The production of these songs fits in beautifully with the production of the original album songs but there was also something… more about them. Now that her next project is out, I feel like you can hear how those songs were trying to reach for that sound even though they stayed inside the sonic universe of Open Book.
The one thing that I’m not sure about – even now – is how the tracks are inserted throughout the original tracklist. I felt like that original tracklist was so perfect that adding the other songs into that was a bit jarring for me. But having said that, I’m not sure that having all four of them at the end would’ve been the right approach either so I’m not sure what the right thing would’ve been. I think it’s a really interesting way of doing an album re-release or deluxe edition; I think it’s just something that’s stuck with me because I thought the tracklist for the original version of the album was just so good.
Since I haven’t had the opportunity to specify which of the songs on the album are my favourites, I couldn’t help myself and included all of my favourites, even though I’ve only talked about the added ones.
Favourite Tracks: ‘My Voice,’ ‘Messy,’ ‘The One,’ ‘F U Forever,’ ‘Alice in Wonderland,’ ‘Eighteen,’ ‘The World Keeps Spinning,’ ‘Big Houses,’ ‘Out of It,’ ‘Gatsby,’ ‘Lying To Myself,’ ‘Vices,’ ‘Lullaby,’ and ‘Angry Butterfly.’
evermore by Taylor Swift (December 2020) – This album obviously came as a complete surprise given that folklore (a pretty massive surprise in itself) had only been out about six months and describing it as folklore‘s sister album feels very fitting. And it definitely felt like a winter album somehow, in my opinion at least. I read one review that said while folklore is the better album, the strong songs on evermore are stronger and I think, in general, that holds true; folklore is definitely more cohesive but there are more songs that I love on evermore. But then evermore is a lot more experimental: less common time signatures (like in ‘tolerate it’ and ‘closure’), less common song structures (‘ivy,’ and ‘marjorie,’ for example), less conventional production choices (such as the very different sections within ‘gold rush,’ the choice to include a sample of her grandmother’s singing on ‘marjorie,’ and the percussion in ‘closure’), and so on. Some of these choices I really liked and some of them kind of knocked me out of the song because they felt jarring. But then that’s bound to happen when an artist starts exploring new territory.
While I think I’m still adjusting to these fictional songs, I loved the stories Taylor was telling: the heartbreakingly refused proposal and all of the history that led to that moment in ‘champagne problems,’ avenging a murdered friend and getting away with it in ‘no body, no crime (feat. HAIM),’ the complicated process of moving past a relationship in ‘happiness,’ the lessons she learned from her grandmother in ‘marjorie,’ learning to walk away in ‘it’s time to go,’ and so on. They’re all so rich and beautiful and totally absorbing. I still believe, as I did with folklore, that there are personal details and elements and feelings within many of these songs, even if the narratives aren’t true to her own life. Most of us are familiar with feelings of longing (”tis the damn season’), wanting someone you shouldn’t (‘ivy’), the non-linear processing of a broken relationship (‘happiness’), feeling under-appreciated no matter how hard you try to make a person happy (‘tolerate it’), having to make the hard choice (‘champagne problems’), and feeling like you’re in your own little world with someone (‘cowboy like me’). In my mind, exploring these emotions through fictional stories allows Taylor to go deeper into those feelings than she could if people were dissecting them through the lens of her personal life. There are songs that could be interpreted to be about Taylor’s experiences, such as ‘ivy’ and ‘cowboy like me’ being about a special relationship that she’s desperately trying to keep to herself and protect and the possible references to previous relationships in ‘coney island’ (lyrics alluding to moments in her relationships with Jake Gyllenhaal, John Mayer, Harry Styles, and Calvin Harris) but then there are songs that are clearly about her own life, including lyrics that refer explicitly to events we know about or detailing moments she’s talked about in the past: ‘long story short’ reflects on the events of 2016 and finding Joe Alwyn; ‘marjorie’ is, of course, about and a tribute to her grandmother; and there are clear references to Scott Borchetta in ‘it’s time to go.’ But whether truthful, fictional, or a mixture of both, she tells the stories beautifully and the lyrics are stunning.
Favourite Tracks: ‘champagne problems,’ ”tis the damn season,’ ‘tolerate it,’ ‘no body, no crime (feat. HAIM),’ ‘happiness,’ ‘ivy,’ ‘cowboy like me,’ ‘long story short,’ ‘marjorie,’ ‘evermore,’ ‘right where you left me,’ and ‘it’s time to go.’
Crossroads by Roseanna (December 2020) – I love this album and not just because it’s my friend’s debut release (although I love that about it too). Between the beautiful lyrics and catchy melodies, her gorgeous vocals, and the glossy, polished production, I feel wrapped up in this little world she’d created. It kicks my Synesthesia-like responses into high gear: it feels deep purple and some of the songs just shimmer. It reminds me of autumn evenings, heartbeats, and the Northern Lights. I love it and I highly recommend it.
Favourite Tracks: ‘Shell,’ ‘3rd August,’ ‘You,’ and ‘How Does It Feel.’
Fearless (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift (April 2021) – While I was excited for the re-recordings, a part of me was a bit anxious about them too; the idea that it might’ve been a distressing experience (given that it was something she felt she had no choice but to do) was upsetting so I couldn’t feel completely good about it until Taylor herself made it clear that it has, so far, been a really positive and rewarding experience. I’m really, really glad that that’s how she feels about it; I was and am much more excited for them now that I know that she feels that way.
I had a bit of a mixed reaction to this album on first listen. I’m super sensitive to sound (a part-gift-part-curse of my Autism Spectrum Disorder) so, to begin with, all I could hear were the differences. They were tiny differences, yes, but still overwhelming: some of the songs (‘Fearless (Taylor’s Version)’ and ‘You Belong With Me (Taylor’s Version),’ in particular) felt faster even though they weren’t (I counted); the levels of the instruments felt different even though, when I played them one after another, I couldn’t figure out how they were different; I could’ve sworn that there were different emphases in the vocals but, in reality, there didn’t seem to be. The vocals in particular were difficult to process initially: my Synesthesia-like response (I see – and feel – colours, feel textures, and some other sensory stuff that I’m still trying to figure out) to them was very different to my response to the original album vocals and that was quite startling. It was very confusing and for a while I felt like my hearing had gotten all screwed up. It took a few listens before it all started to even out (although I can still hear all of those things). And I can hear differences: as fantastic a job as Taylor does of re-creating her teenage voice, there are still moments when she sounds distinctly adult (I felt like this was actually most prominent in ‘The Best Day (Taylor’s Version)’); some of the instruments have a slightly different sound, or even just tone, to their original counterparts, like the piano in ‘Forever & Always (Piano Version) [Taylor’s Version]’; while ‘You Belong With Me (Taylor’s Version)’ is the same tempo as the original, I noticed that there’s an extra string pluck in the guitar/banjo part, which I think is what makes it sound faster; and I also noticed that there were a few backing vocal changes (I miss the repeat of “silence” in ‘Forever & Always (Taylor’s Version)’ – somewhat disproportionately, I think). I’m not trying to nitpick – I just notice these things and tend to notice them straight away. And now that I’ve had time to listen to it and absorb it, I love it and think it’s incredible (and somewhat surreal) how Taylor and her team have managed to recreate an album so similar to the original, over ten years later. The production is gorgeous and I love sifting through all of the layers that make up each song because so much goes into each track. Her vocals are just lovely and I’ve found myself enjoying songs that I hadn’t liked as much before a lot more because of that. My favourites on each album are actually quite different and given how sensitive my ears are, I think that’s valid because they don’t quite sound the same. But that’s given me the opportunity to love some of the other songs and that’s something I really didn’t expect.
While I do feel it listening to the songs I already know, hearing the ‘new’ songs – the Fearless era songs that we haven’t yet heard (apart from a leaked demo or snippet on YouTube here and there – really reminds me of what an amazing songwriter Taylor always was. It’s easy to say at this point in time but these songs were written when she was between sixteen and eighteen years old (approximately – I believe some of them she wrote even younger). The melodies are so natural and satisfying and her lyric writing was already so sophisticated. Some of the lines are just breathtaking. And there’s something really cool about the production: they absolutely fit into the Fearless sound but they feel more polished somehow, a little glossier. They actually kind of remind of the Red album’s country sound.
So, my first experience of the re-recordings was a bit rocky but I’m hopeful that, now I have some idea of what to expect, the next one (Red (Taylor’s Version), historically my favourite Taylor Swift album – although she does make having a favourite extremely difficult) won’t feel quite so… chaotic, I guess. Hopefully, my first listen will be a lot smoother.
Favourite Tracks: ‘Hey Stephen (Taylor’s Version),’ ‘White Horse (Taylor’s Version),’ ‘Breathe (Taylor’s Version),’ ‘Tell Me Why (Taylor’s Version),’ ‘You’re Not Sorry (Taylor’s Version),’ ‘Forever & Always (Piano Version) [Taylor’s Version],’ ‘The Other Side Of The Door (Taylor’s Version),’ ‘You All Over Me (Taylor’s Version) [From The Vault],’ ‘Mr. Perfectly Fine (Taylor’s Version) [From The Vault],’ ‘We Were Happy (Taylor’s Version) [From The Vault],’ and ‘Bye Bye Baby (Taylor’s Version) [From The Vault].’
Wilds Things by Ladyhawke (June 2016) – I listened through Ladyhawke’s whole discography during my Masters project but this album was my favourite. I was hooked from ‘A Love Song,’ which is still my favourite song on the album. I also loved the production, although I do think the electronic style didn’t quite work for a few of the songs; sometimes it was just perfection and I utterly adored it but, on certain songs, it felt a bit incongruent. The only song I actively didn’t like was ‘Let It Roll’ but I’m pretty sure that that’s because it was in an advert or something that I heard over and over again until pure overexposure made me dislike it. But other than that, I really enjoyed the album. It’s uplifting and energetic and, if nothing else, I’m grateful to the introduction to ‘A Love Song’ because I absolutely adore that song.
Favourite Tracks: ‘A Love Song,’ ‘The River,’ ‘Wild Things,’ ‘Chills,’ and ‘Wonderland.’
And Now, We’re Shining by Sarah Close (March 2020) – The thing that always pulls me right into Sarah Close songs is the catchiness of the melodies. I swear, she could turn the phone book into an earworm. That, and the detail of some of her lyrics, are my favourite things about her music. She’s so good at balancing a more abstract statement, like “If it was me, I’d be kinder” or “Why is everyone trying so hard to be so cool?” with beautifully detailed lyrics that make you feel like you’re right there in that moment, like, “In your car fighting tears on the roadside, remember drives we used to take to nowhere,” “Now you’re backtracking like I’m keys that you forgot,” or “Thursday morning, I’m sat in the window seat, facing the exit ’cause I’m nervous we’re ’bout to meet.” I also love the pop production. It’s not that different to what I’ve been leaning towards so it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s part of why I like it so much, because it’s the way I hear my music too.
Favourite Tracks: ‘If It Was Me,’ ‘You Say,’ ‘Almost,’ and ‘Stay.’
Sour by Olivia Rodrigo (May 2021) – I’ll admit, I find the extreme hype around Olivia Rodrigo and other young artists releasing their first albums kind of tiring: I don’t particularly like having music essentially forced on me by the music industry and/or pop culture. It’s not really about the artist themselves, it’s about the way the world instantly insists that they’re the best thing since sliced bread. So I didn’t listen to Sour for quite a while. I felt kind of overexposed before I’d even heard it so I waited to listen to it until I could listen with an open mind. There were bits I liked: the relatability of ‘brutal’ (I mean, “Where’s my fucking teenage dream?” is painfully real; had I heard it as a teenager, it probably would’ve hit me like a fucking train); the rawness of ‘traitor,’ evident in the lyrics, vocals, and production; how much she swears; ‘good 4 u’ is an absolute jam (and the “goddamn sociopath” lyric is such a ruthless shot to the jugular, which I just love); some of the details in the lyrics are beautifully real; ‘jealousy, jealousy’ is super powerful and probably even more so for listeners younger than me; and the harmonies are just gorgeous. But there were, of course, some things I didn’t like, mostly stylistic: the production could be awesome but there were several occasions where I thought it sounded kind of muddy, like in ‘brutal’ for example; her songwriting style is consistently super wordy even in the softer songs, which I found a bit exhausting after a while; and she has a tendency to do what a songwriting tutor of mine calls ‘Yoda-lyrics,’ where the writer twists a lyric to make it fit, like “your apathy’s like a wound in salt” from ‘good 4 u’ (the non-Yoda-lyric being “your apathy’s like salt in the wound”). So, yeah, mixed feelings but I like it for the most part.
Favourite Tracks: ‘traitor,’ ‘1 step forward, 3 steps back,’ ‘good 4 u,’ ‘enough for you,’ ‘favorite crime,’ and ‘hope ur ok.’
Evolve by Imagine Dragons (June 2017) – I hadn’t listened to Imagine Dragons for a while; somehow they just fell off my playlist. But then, when I was looking through Agents of Shield fan videos earlier in the year – I was trying to write a song from Daisy Johnson’s point of view and was trying to get a sense of the songs people were associating with her – Imagine Dragons songs kept coming up and I got hooked again. I love the epic sound of the songs and the intensity of Dan Reynolds’ vocals. Between those two things, they give the songs so much conviction and emotion, regardless of the subject matter. I feel like they always deliver with songs that make you feel like a goddamn superhero – something we all need from time to time, I think.
Favourite Tracks: ‘Whatever It Takes,’ ‘Believer,’ ‘Walking the Wire,’ ‘Mouth of the River,’ and ‘Start Over.’
Amidst the Chaos: Live from the Hollywood Bowl by Sara Bareilles (May 2021) – I was so gutted that I never got to see this show live so when this album (and the show in the empty venue) were announced, I was so excited. It was the next best thing and would keep me going until a real show was a possibility again. And it really does feel like listening to a concert; if you close your eyes and turn up the volume, you can almost imagine yourself there.
I feel like opening with a snippet of ‘Orpheus,’ with the section that emphases the lyrics, “We will not give up on love now” and “We did not give up on love today,” is like an opening statement for the show. I really love that: that that was the atmosphere, that that was what she wanted people to be feeling going into and during the show. Maybe I’m reading too much into it but I think that’s a really cool way of starting a concert. ‘Fire’ feels like the actual opening song and it’s so big and bold and full; it’s a good opener. Sara’s vocals sound incredible and the strings are just gorgeous. Her exclamation of “Holy shit, we’re at the Hollywood Bowl!” is just so Sara and made me laugh out loud. ‘Poetry By Dead Men’ has such a beautiful arrangement and melody and Sara just sounds so amazing. Again, I snorted with laughter when, between songs, she announces, “This is what I look like standing up!” She’s just so giddy about performing and about performing at The Hollywood Bowl; it’s really quite adorable.’Eyes On You’ has such a great energy live; all of the songs do. There’s something about live music that is so vibrant and while the instruments all sound great and the sound engineer is clearly doing an excellent job, the energy of performing live just adds such a special magic to a song. I wish I could explain it better than that. I love ‘I Choose You’ and it was so cute that there was a proposal during the song; I can’t believe something like that – people getting engaged at your concerts or using your songs for really big occasions like first dances and so on – ever gets old (I can only hope that I get to experience something like that someday). It was cool to hear her talk about her experience at the Women’s March and the thought process that led to the writing of ‘Armor’; hearing both that introduction and the song itself must’ve been amazing to hear live. And it was lovely to hear her talk about falling in love. When the audience cheered, she was like, “I knowwww!” That was very cute and made me smile. And I loved how much everyone cheered when she talked about Waitress; I love how invested everyone is in it because it means so much to her (I mean, that’s not the only reason – it’s a fantastic musical – but I think it has a special meaning to her fans because it’s special to her, because musical theatre is something she’s wanted to do her whole life). Her performance of ‘She Used To Be Mine’ was incredible and the crowd was absolutely silent, like they were so absorbed that they’d forgotten to breathe. It’s an amazing song and she sings it so beautifully; it gives me shivers. Then the spell is broken and the audience erupts into applause, applause that goes on so long that Sara is clearly very touched by the reaction. I was so happy to see that ‘Uncharted’ had been included in the show since the song means so much to me and I love this performance of it: I love that you can hear her smiling as she sings; I love how everyone sings the first chorus so loudly that Sara doesn’t need to sing; and I love how joyful a performance it is. I wish I could’ve been there; I wish I could’ve seen her face when everyone sang that first chorus. I bet that’s not something that ever gets old either. ‘No Such Thing’ is such a gorgeous song and it transitions so beautifully into ‘Satellite Call.’ It’s a mash-up that never would’ve occurred to me but it really works, thematically, musically, and emotionally. I absolutely love her introduction to ‘Brave,’ especially when she said, “As a songwriter, the greatest thing you could ever hope for is that your song kind of becomes part of… that it belongs to everybody else and that’s how this song feels to me and I couldn’t be more proud.” I think that’s very true. Performing ‘Brave,’ she sounds absolutely amazing; she truly has a one-of-a-kind voice. And that’s again highlighted in her performance of ‘Gravity.’ There’s something about the way she sings that song that shows off how incredible and unique her voice is: when she sings it, her voice just sounds so beautiful and so atmospheric – you can feel every little shift, every little flicker of emotion in her voice – and I really can’t imagine a time when it doesn’t hit hard. And just when I think she can’t sound better, she closes the show with ‘Saint Honesty’ with off-the-charts incredible vocals. She’s an amazing performer and my only sadness is that there isn’t a visual to go alongside it, as there was with Brave Enough: Live at the Variety Playhouse.
I really love it as an album: I love that she gave us all a chance to experience the Amidst The Chaos Tour; I love that she included songs from so many different albums and projects; I love that we get to hear her incredible performances; and I love that the song introductions and audience interactions weren’t cut out. She’s so personable and she balances the funny and dorky moments with the more serious and sincere ones so well. Those moments at concerts, when the artist stops to talk to the crowd and you can’t help but feel like they’re talking to you alone… They’re so special and leaving those parts in allows us to have a little bit of that experiences, even if we couldn’t go to a show, whether that was due to COVID or not. It’s a beautiful album and I love listening to her sing, listening to her talk to her audience, listening to her love every second of performing. It’s another project that makes me so proud to be a fan, so proud to look up to her.
I could easily justify including every track in my list of favourites because it’s like listening to a whole concert and the whole thing is just fantastic but I will try to follow my own rules (for once) and pick out just the stand out tracks (based on the performances rather than the songs themselves as this is a live album, although it’s probably unlikely that I can keep my feelings about the songs out of it entirely).
Favourite Tracks: ‘Orpheus / Fire,’ ‘I Choose You,’ ‘Armor,’ ‘She Used To Be Mine,’ ‘Uncharted,’ ‘No Such Thing / Satellite Call,’ ‘Let The Rain,’ ‘King of Anything,’ ‘Brave,’ ‘Orpheus,’ ‘Gravity,’ and ‘Saint Honesty.’
Strange Desire by Bleachers (July 2015) – I’ve heard various tracks from this album over the years but I’ve never sat down and really listened to it. So, before Take the Sadness Out of Saturday Night came out, that’s what I did. And I just loved it, almost every single song. I loved the epic-ness of ‘Wild Heart,’ the production (it’s very much the sound I’ve always associated with Bleachers: big, emotive sounds, bright colours, and huge, open spaces), the vocals and the vocal effects, the big yet so eloquently stated message and then all of the little details in the lyrics, like “So put the shotgun back in the glove / Come on and wait another year for the / Dream far away / To come home, to be brave” and “They boarded up the windows / And the doors to my house / No one will ever read the letters / Or the lies that I told / From the years I was changed / By crooked hearts.” I love it and it was stuck in my head on a loop for days afterwards. ‘Rollercoaster’ really showed off how gorgeous Jack Antonoff’s voice is, although I did think the bridge felt very similar to ‘Closer’ by Tegan and Sara. I loved the concept for ‘Shadow’: “The song is about a New Yorker article I read about how everyone has a shadow, or a lesser version of themselves that only they can see,” but ultimately, that there will always be people who will love you, shadow and all. I’ve always loved ‘I Wanna Get Better’: I love how big and epic it sounds, I love the chaotic production that matches the tumbling emotions, and I love all of the imagery and the depth of each line (“And I’ve trained myself to give up on the past ’cause / I froze in time between hearses and caskets,” representing a very bleak time in his life: “There was 9/11, my sister died (of brain cancer in 2002 at age 13) and my cousin died in the Iraq War (in 2003). So a lot happened in a short span of time. It was an end to an age of innocence. I had PTSD and rarely left the house, and I disassociated from everyone for a long time,” for example). And what he’s said about the song only made me love it more, such as, “It had to be perfect because I was condensing all of me into one song,” and “The message is heavy, it’s not dumbed down… I didn’t write this song thinking to myself, ‘Well this is what I wanna say, but this is what people can handle.’ I just wrote the song and recorded the song. And I didn’t say to myself, ‘Well I want to have all this distortion in my vocal, but on mainstream radio that’s not really what people are doing right now.’ I did it anyway and thought, ‘Well, if the radio plays it, then I can be really proud of it, ’cause then I can feel like I’m a part of something that is pushing things into a different place.‘” I love the slightly mellower sound of ‘Wake Me,’ and the simplicity and sincerity of the lyric. I love the lyrics in ‘Reckless Love’ (like “I keep finding my way to the harshest words,” “I would burn my dreams away,” and “If you don’t let go you’re gonna break me”), especially the bridge. As much as I love ‘I Wanna Get Better,’ I think ‘Like a River Runs’ has to be my absolute favourite; I just really, really feel it, both in the song and what Antonoff has said about it. It just resonates so strongly in all the right ways. I love the production, I love the sentiment, I think the chorus is great, and I just love the lyrics: “When I fall asleep I can see your face / What I lost in you I will not replace / And I could run away, I could let them down / But I will remember your light,” “The summer’s gone and I’m alone / And I get the feeling that you’re somewhere close,” “The rhythm of your wild heart / It beats, been beating since you’ve gone,” “And I know you’re gone but still / I will remember your light,” and “And if you see me in the darkness / I hope you know I’m not alone / I carry you with every breath I take.” It’s a stunning song and I absolutely love it. The only song that didn’t really do anything for me was ‘I’m Ready To Move On / Wild Heart Reprise.’ I just found it a bit too weird and I don’t really understand what the purpose of it is. And then I loved the inclusion of the live versions of ‘I Wanna Get Better’ and ‘Rollercoaster’; they were a really cool addition and just make me want to go a Bleachers show so badly. The energy is almost tangible, even as recordings.
Favourite Tracks: ‘Wild Heart,’ ‘I Wanna Get Better,’ ‘Wake Me,’ ‘Reckless Love,’ ‘Like a River Runs,’ ‘I Wanna Get Better (Live in Boston),’ and ‘Rollercoaster (Live in Boston).’
Take the Sadness Out of Saturday Night by Bleachers (July 2021) – I really like this album even though it’s a bit left field of my usual tastes. Arrangement and production wise, I loved the sounds he chose: the horns and saxophones were a gorgeous addition and an interesting choice since they aren’t an obvious choice in anything that even vaguely resembles pop music. There was a real warmth to every track; they had a lovely velvety sound. I was reminded of rich, warm colours like burgundy, purple, navy, and gold. What I do find frustrating is how difficult it is to make sense of what he’s singing, a combination, I think, of his style of singing and the production choices made around his vocals; he’s almost unintelligible at various points. I had to look them up just to understand what he was saying. After that, I had a clearer sense of the songs and they all started to grow on me, not just the ones I’d felt naturally connected to. He has some gorgeous lyrics and explores some really interesting ideas but, just from listening to it, I doubt I would’ve got that and if I hadn’t wanted to like it, I don’t know if I would’ve tried so hard to. So I think it’s a shame that the lyrics aren’t clearer because some of them are really beautiful – like, “So I rip floorboards from our place, black out all our windows and then I kick them from their frames,” “These steps toward faith, I can’t imagine it, pack my suitcase up ’til I can’t bear it, who am I without this weight on my shoulder?” “Just don’t go dark on me,” “Are my hopes finally gonna waste me? Am I the worst compass I could know?” and “I don’t know what to do with this faith” – and I wouldn’t be surprised if people move onto something else that’s easier to absorb.
Favourite Tracks: ’91,’ ‘How Dare You Want More,’ ‘Stop Making This Hurt,’ ‘Don’t Go Dark,’ and ‘What’d I Do With All This Faith?’
I Got Here By Accident by Kalie Shorr (August 2021) – I don’t usually include EPs in this list but I love Kalie’s music so I couldn’t leave it out. I’d heard ‘Amy,’ ‘I Heard You Got A Girl,’ and ‘Love Child’ before the EP came out but hearing them with full production and in the context of the other songs was a completely new and gorgeous experience; they all fit together so well. As expected, the songs are full of fantastic lyrics: “Do you want the other half of my sandwich, ’cause I know how much you love my leftovers, you love my leftovers,” “I heard you got a girl, she’s everything you need, sort of funny how, she kinda looks like me,” “I’m afraid that you’ll leave, I’m scared that you’ll stay, and I don’t know which one would be worse,” “Where I heard Rhiannon for the first time, my sister singing along for the last, now she lives in the sky with the radio waves, comes down when I play Fleetwood Mac… 1975 on speed dial, and Rumours in my blood,” “Tell me who to hate, yeah, you don’t have to worry, I don’t have to meet ’em, I believe your story,” and so many more. Her songs are so characteristically her: the stories she tells, the details in the lyrics, the plot twists, THE MULTIPLE PLOT TWISTS, the melodies… I could keep going; she just has such a distinctive voice as a songwriter. Also, as I said on Twitter when the EP came out, I have huge respect for Butch Walker and his production on the project. It’s so cohesive. The guitars in particular are just utterly gorgeous. They just make my autistic brain so happy, so calm in the chaos of everything around me: they have the same frequencies as magic and joy, orange skies and tears of relief. It’s a strange thing to try and explain.
Favourite Tracks: I don’t think I actually have any specific favourites (although ‘Alibi’ is an absolute jam); I just really love the project as a whole. It’s so cohesive, lyrically and musically, and although I have my favourite lyrics, I don’t feel able to pick any song above another because they’re all really good and all consistently really good. And they’re just so Kalie, something that the ‘Love Child’ visualiser shows in such a beautiful way…
If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power by Halsey (August 2021) – (This one is going to be long because I have a lot of thoughts so please bear with me.) As one YouTube comment reads: “It’s the kind of album a queen sings while she declares war.” It’s a very apt description. It’s so cohesive (yes, it’s a concept album but not all concept albums feel cohesive) and so lyrically complex, deep and thoughtful and powerful. I have to admit that, despite the album being out for several months now, I still don’t feel like I fully understand it; I still feel like I have so many layers to peel back.
During her interview with Zane Lowe, she says that feels like she’s finally perfected the concept album – she considers all of her albums to be concept albums – even if it’s to a lesser degree like Manic, which she describes more as having a motif but still fundamentally being a concept album. Lowe comments that all of their albums sound like they’re a complete thought, rather than a selection of random songs thrown together, something Halsey said they would never do: their albums will always have some sort of central theme or throughline to them (I thoroughly appreciate this since I’m the same when creating music projects). The concept for this album was described as “the joys and horrors of pregnancy and childbirth” and “the dichotomy of the Madonna and the Whore,” the societal idea that you can be sexually desirable but not a mother or maternal but not sexually desirable – an idea that Halsey addressed when announcing the album, “…me as a sexual being and my body as a vessel and gift to my child are two concepts that can co-exist peacefully and powerfully…“; it’s not a pregnancy album but an album she wrote while pregnant about her experience of pregnancy and the related issues of womanhood, motherhood, and so on. It could have easily been a girl power/female empowerment album but Halsey is crystal clear in their Zane Lowe interview that it isn’t, pointing out that the only times they talk about femininity, it’s in a negative context: describing the girl as a weapon in ‘Girl Is a Gun’; telling herself to “be a big girl” in ‘You asked for this,’ something that is often said condescendingly, to invalidate a female opinion; ‘honey’ describes a turbulent relationship, detailing the positive and negative qualities of both parties; ‘Whispers’ sees her cruelly list the reasons why she wants to be loved but never will be; in ‘The Lighthouse’ she plays the part of a siren, luring men to their deaths and revelling in the power she has over them, and so on. It’s only a ‘girl power album’ in that she, Halsey, made it but it’s ultimately too nuanced a concept – with lyrics delving into themes including feminism, bodily autonomy, the patriarchy, institutional misogyny, as well as Halsey’s more personal experiences – to be portrayed in a way that could be described as neatly as ‘girl power.’ There is so much to this concept that I feel like, while I like and appreciate the songs as songs, I’m still making sense of them in their wider context. This is something I love about Halsey – how thoughtful and thought-provoking their writing is, whether that’s through lyrics or poetry – but it’s something that I do, at times, find challenging: as an autistic person, I do have a tendency to take things literally and so sometimes I feel kind of stupid for not understanding themes or ideas that other listeners immediately pick up on. That’s something that I really liked about Manic, I think: the songs were still held together by a central idea but it was a bit more… straightforward, if that makes sense. The idea of ‘finding Ashley again after being Halsey for so long’ felt easier to understand and, in some ways, feel a part of. I’ve found that the more complex the concept or narrative that Halsey works with (hopeless fountain kingdom and If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power being the biggest examples of this), the more separate I feel from their music and from the fandom, kind of like, ‘well, if you don’t understand it, you don’t deserve to be here.’ It’s confusing and more than a bit draining sometimes.
Having said that, I do really like the songs, even if I’m still figuring out all of the layers and connections. The lyrics and melodies are as impactful as ever. Listing all of my favourites would take far too long but there are a good handful that just take my breath away every time I hear them: I think ‘Bells of Santa Fe’ is beautifully written, from “Don’t call me by my name / All of this is temporary” to “Jesus needed a three day weekend / To sort out all his bullshit, figure out the treason” to “Don’t wait for me, don’t wait for me, wait / It’s not a happy ending”; I love the verses of ‘Easier Than Lying,’ especially the first with the lyric, “I’m only whatever you make me / And you make me more and more a villain every day” and how that idea is developed through that section; ‘Lilith’ is super interesting and I love the power behind the lyric, “And by now, I don’t need a fuckin’ introduction,” something I also love about the lyric, “I come loaded with the safety switched off” in ‘Girl Is a Gun’; I love pretty much everything about ‘Darling’ but the bridge absolutely gets me every time, especially the lyrics, “I’ll kidnap all the stars and I will keep them in your eyes / I’ll wrap them up in velvet twine / And hang ’em from a fishin’ line / So I can see them anytime I like,” which I think is such an excellent example of what a fantastic songwriter Halsey is; I feel similarly about ‘1121’ in that I just love every lyric and how emotionally raw it makes me feel; ‘honey’ took a while to grow on me but the melody is just incredible and I will probably have it stuck in my head somewhere forever, or at least until she writes something even catchier; the chorus of ‘I am not a woman, I’m a god’ – “I am not a woman, I’m a god / I am not a martyr, I’m a problem / I am not a legend, I’m a fraud / Keep your heart ’cause I already got one” – is so explicit and unapologetic that I can’t help but feel drawn in by it and the verse lyrics only add to that feeling; I absolutely love ‘The Lighthouse,’ the character that Halsey embodies, and the way they weaves the lyrics to create such visceral emotion in a song (to the point where I could probably write a whole blog post on it but I won’t); and ‘Ya’aburnee’ feels like the perfect closer, in its structure, its stripped back production, and the profoundly beautiful lyrics, like “I think we could live forever / In each other’s faces,” “And if we don’t live forever / Maybe one day, we’ll trade places / Darling, you will bury me / Before I bury you,” “So take my pockets, take me whole / Take my life and take my soul / Wrap me in a wedding ring / You know I swear I’d give you anything,” and so on (in her Zane Lowe interview, she talks about how this song contains some of her favourite lyrics and how it’s both a love song to their partner and their child, something Lowe had pointed out previously: the impressive and intriguing way Halsey can write a lyric that could be addressed to themself, their partner, their child, or their listener and that that distinction is left open to interpretation).
Having said all of this, I do think their lyrical style has shifted slightly since Manic, most notably in the way that they seem to be favouring metaphors over detail. There are very few lyrics like the vivid “Your eyes, so crisp, so green / Sour apple baby, but you taste so sweet / You got hips like Jagger and two left feet / And I wonder if you’d like to meet” and “I grab your hand and then we run to the car / Singing in the street and playing air guitar” in ‘Finally // beautiful stranger’ or the anxious chorus of ‘3am’ or the heart-achingly raw “And I remember this girl with pink hair in Detroit / Well, she told me / She said, ‘Ashley, you gotta promise us that you won’t die / ‘Cause we need you,’ and honestly, I think that she lied / And I remember the names of every single kid I’ve met / But I forget half the people who I’ve gotten in bed / And I’ve stared at the sky in Milwaukee / And hoped that my father would finally call me / And it’s just these things that I’m thinkin’ for hours / And I’m pickin’ my hair out in clumps in the shower / Lost the love of my life to an ivory powder / But then I realize that I’m no higher power / That I wasn’t in love then, and I’m still not now / And I’m so happy I figured that out / I’ve got a long way to go until self-preservation / Think my moral compass is on a vacation / And I can’t believe I still feed my fucking temptation / I’m still looking for my salvation.” This isn’t a criticism per se because every artist grows and develops and each project requires a slightly different approach but there was something so raw and real about the writing on Manic that I do miss on this album (although, of course, it also has things that I love that weren’t present on Manic). And while I think I preferred the production style on Manic (just a stylistic preference), I think the production of this album is fantastic. ‘The Tradition’ and ‘Bells of Santa Fe’ are cinematic and ominous; there’s a heaviness and dread to ‘You Asked for This’; ‘Girl Is a Gun’ and ‘honey’ are wild and energetic; ‘1121’ feels very vulnerable; there’s a confidence and swagger to ‘The Lighthouse’; and ‘Darling’ and ‘Ya’aburnee’ are gentle and intimate. All these songs sound very different but they somehow manage to exist in the same sonically cohesive bubble.
She says something really interesting during the Zane Lowe interview that I’m still thinking about all of this time later. Lowe commented on how their four albums feel reflective of their growth: out of the deeply conceptual albums of Badlands and hopeless fountain kingdom came Manic, where they seemed to find a real sense of their identity, and now we have If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power, which he said felt like the final step before being able to share your truth and your story and your life with another person, a sentiment that Halsey agreed with. Halsey herself goes on to say that, while it isn’t true and is antithetical to the album (but as a real thought it deserves it’s own space), they felt like they had to say everything that they wouldn’t be able to say once they became someone’s mother; they had to get rid of all of the stories of guilt and insecurity and self sabotage and so on before starting over in this new chapter of their life. They say that they had a moment of panic at about six weeks pregnant about whether they had to be or were going to be boring now, given that so many things that they self identified with aren’t traditionally compatible with being a mother. They talk about a realisation about themselves and their future growth: “Oh, I’m holding on to my trauma because it’s part of how I define myself and I’m never really gonna grow unless I really let go of that trauma.” Lowe suggests that the album is a purging of sorts and Halsey agrees. That whole discussion – about identity and growth and purging oneself of certain parts of the past and certain things that inform who we are – has been really thought-provoking.
And finally, I also really liked the discussion of the title, ‘If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power,’ given how interesting it is and how it isn’t directly referenced within the album itself. Lowe and Halsey talk about how it isn’t a ‘likeable’ title – this idea that if she can’t have a relationship, she’ll work and she’ll be ruthless and hardened and so on – but that it’s more of a starting point, something steadfast that she ends up developing away from because suddenly there’s this baby to consider; ultimately, she chooses love. She says that, “The irony is that the most power I’ve ever had is in the agency I have in that I chose love. That’s what’s given me the most power.” And that statement kind of takes my breath away because we know from what they’ve shared about their life that they’ve been through a lot and it hasn’t been easy; it would be much easier to abandon the idea of love out of a warped sense of self preservation but here they are, working through their shit and choosing love anyway despite the difficult things that they have experienced. They’ve found the comfort and power of taking their life back, making it their own, and putting themselves first, and that feels like an incredible process of growth that we’ve been given the honour of witnessing.
So, to end this incredibly long section on just one album, I feel like I didn’t fall in love with If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power in the same way that I did with Manic (which is totally fine – different albums resonate differently with each of us) but there’s a lot I love about it. It’s grown on me steadily and I think it will continue as I unravel more of the stories and ideas that makes this album so complex and thought-provoking. There’s a lot to admire about it and about Halsey and as much as I love listening to the work they’ve already put out, I also can’t help but look forward to whatever they choose to explore next because I know it will be completely unexpected and completely incredible.
Favourite Tracks: ‘Bells in Sante Fe,’ ‘Girl is a Gun,’ ‘Darling,’ ‘1121,’ ‘Whispers,’ ‘I am not a woman, I’m a god,’ ‘The Lighthouse,’ and ‘Ya’aburnee.’
Human by OneRepublic (August 2021) – While there were songs I liked on Oh My My, I much preferred the more classic soundscape of Native and their previous albums so when Ryan Tedder said that this would be their “most OneRepublic album” up to now, I was really excited and I can absolutely hear that; sonically, it’s definitely reminiscent of Native and Waking Up in particular, although it does incorporate some more electronic sounds (it reminded me of 1989 by Taylor Swift in that sense). The songs (‘Distance’ and ‘Savior,’ for example) are big and epic, which really reminded me of Native; that was something I always really loved about that album. And I think the newer electronic sounds were worked into the arrangements well. The melodies are just ridiculously catchy – if Tedder should be known for anything, it should be his ability to craft a melody so catchy that you’ll most likely remember it for the rest of your life – and Tedder’s vocals are as flawless and emotive as ever. But having said all of that, I was a little disappointed in the lyrics. There were some great lines but I felt like the majority of the album was made up of broader, more general statements. For example, “I’ll keep a message of you if you call, of you if you call / And choke on the memories” in ‘Choke’ from Oh My My or “Heart still beating but it’s not working / It’s like a hundred thousand voices that just can’t sing” in ‘Feel Again’ and “I’ll light your fire till my last day / I’ll let your fields burn around me, around me” in ‘What You Wanted’ from Native all feel deeply emotional with very distinct imagery whereas I didn’t get that same feeling with this album. I really enjoy listening to it but I don’t get that emotional lift that I get from some of their other albums, Native in particular.
Favourite Tracks: ‘Distance,’ ‘Rescue Me,’ ‘Savior,’ ‘Wanted,’ ‘Better Days,’ and ‘Ships + Tides.’
star-crossed by Kacey Musgraves (September 2021) – While I loved a lot of Golden Hour, I can’t help but feel like Kacey Musgraves has been slowly losing the thing that made her so unique back in the days of ‘Merry Go Round’ and Same Trailer Different Park. That feels like a very negative note to start on, which I don’t like doing, but it’s something that I’ve been thinking for a while and it’s something that makes me really sad. I’ve loved songs from all of her albums: nine on Same Trailer Different Park (I loved ‘Silver Lining,’ ‘Keep It to Yourself,’ ‘Stupid,’ and ‘Follow Your Arrow’ especially), five on Pageant Material (I think ‘Family Is Family’ and ‘Cup of Tea’ were my favourites), and seven on Golden Hour (I loved ‘Oh, What a World,’ ‘Love Is a Wild Thing,’ ‘Space Cowboy’ – although the grammatical error in the title still really annoys me… – and ‘Rainbow’). When I liked Golden Hour so much more than I’d liked Pageant Material, I’d hoped that it was just the difficulty of writing a second album after writing such a great (and wildly successful) first one so I was looking forward to this one: Golden Hour was a great third album, she’d had a lot of time to write new material (apparently she’d written forty songs to choose from), and she’d lived a lot of life so I felt like the chances of a strong album were good. But personally, I do feel kind of underwhelmed.
She’s described it as more country than Golden Hour multiple times but I don’t hear that at all – it’ just too shimmery, if that makes any sense at all. To me, it sounds much more like a glossy pop album that occasionally dips it’s toe into country; how it was actually possible to classify it as a country album, I don’t know. I’ve also seen her talk about Greek tragedies and a three act structure to the album, neither of which I would’ve naturally heard in the album: the three act description only made sense once I heard her break down the tracklist. I’m not trying to undermine what she’s saying or how she perceives the album but it just kind of reminds me of when the concept in a concept album isn’t clear enough so that, even if the songs are really good, that overall connecting theme gets lost.
When it comes to the songs, I have pretty mixed feelings. I liked how ‘star-crossed’ very effectively sets the scene for the rest of the album but then ‘good wife’ feels like an odd blend of Christian-pop and RnB. I really liked the imagery in ‘cherry blossom’ but the lyrics still felt a little simplistic compared to her usual writing; the lyrics to ‘simple times’ just felt like a stereotype of the 90s and they kind of made me cringe; and I liked ‘justified,’ mostly because it felt like there was more emotional depth and the lyrics felt stronger. I was kind of put off by the production of ‘breadwinner’ and then the chorus just made me cringe, particularly the lyric, “He wants your dinner.” I don’t know; it just makes me feel weird and uncomfortable. I really liked ‘camera roll,’ even though I don’t generally like songs with such technologically up to date language; I find it tends to date a song. But there were some lovely lyrics in this one, like “Chronological order and nothing but torture / Scroll too far back, that’s what you get / I don’t wanna see ’em, but I can’t delete ’em / It just doesn’t feel right yet, not yet” and “All the best, that’s all that’s left / Cruel evidence,” and it just felt much more Kacey than so many of the other songs. I really liked the chorus of ‘what doesn’t kill me.’ But then I really didn’t get on with ‘there is a light.’ I couldn’t work out what the arrangement was trying to do, the metaphor wasn’t one of her best, and the lyrics just got too repetitive. And while I like what Kacey has said about ‘gracias a la vida,’ I’m not convinced that including it on the album was a good decision. Given that it’s all in Spanish, the production is constantly changing, and that it’s unclear why it belongs on the album without her explanation, I don’t think it’s a strong closing track.
So, while I like the songs I like, I just feel a bit disappointed because we know what a great writer she is. Back in her Same Trailer Different Park days, I considered her one of my favourite artists but I just don’t enjoy her music the way I did back then. I’m not jumping ship as a fan but this album just hasn’t got me in the way some of her previous have. Mainly I’m just a bit sad because I was looking forward to it and looking forward to seeing her tour again but I’m not sure if there are enough songs that I like and if I like them enough to justify the cost of a ticket.
Favourite Tracks: ‘star-crossed,’ ‘cherry blossom,’ ‘justified,’ ‘camera roll,’ ‘hookup scene,’ ‘keep lookin’ up,’ and ‘what doesn’t kill me.’
Pins And Needles by Natalie Hemby (October 2021) – Since this album has barely been out a week, these are very much my first impressions of it; I haven’t had time to have a really thorough listen and really explore it yet. But I couldn’t not mention it on National Album Day when it’s an album I’ve been looking forward to for so long. There’s a lot I like about it. ‘Heroes’ has a great power chorus. ‘New Madrid’ has a catchy, emotive melody and I love the imagery in the lyrics: “And a heart that hasn’t moved in years,” “Remember when we made the Mississippi River run backwards,” “Shifting pieces, pretending we can’t feel the rift between us,” “And the ground we tread will bury us someday,” and so on. They’re just stunning. The only thing that bothers me is the way the emphasis is on the wrong syllable of ‘Madrid’ (on ‘Ma,’ instead of ‘drid’). I love the imagery and the metaphors in ‘Pins and Needles’ and the internal rhyming in the chorus is so satisfying: “You got my number, my thunder / And it’s your thumb that I’m under.” Ugh, so good! Again, I love the imagery in ‘Lake Air’ – “We were silhouettes / Ghosts in the rain / And we almost froze / When we left our clothes / By the water bank,” “I breathe you in / And kept you there,” and “There’s a certain sound / When the world disappears / And your heart is beating / So hard it’s all you can hear,” for example – it’s all so vivid, like you can see it playing out in front of you. I like the twist in the final chorus of ‘Banshee.’ I LOVE ‘Radio Silence.’ It’s easily my favourite song on the album and possibly my favourite Natalie Hemby song. It’s so sad but so, so beautiful and there’s such wistful longing there; I find it so deeply relatable. The main electric guitar sounds so sad, so lonely; it was the perfect choice of instrumentation for the song. The chorus is one of the most emotive choruses I’ve heard in a long time: “I tried to reach you through the growing static / I tried to replicate the fading magic / Did everything to keep the signal from dying / All I got was radio silence.” It captures the feeling of a friendship or relationship slipping away so perfectly and I just love the metaphor of reaching out only to get radio silence in return; it’s as lonely an image as the feeling of someone you care about fading from your life. The lyrics are gorgeous – “I wasn’t ready for / The way you shut the door / And left me standing in the frame” is one of my favourites – and the lift into the chorus hits in just the right way that it takes my breath away every time. The final chorus, doubled with different lyrics – “I tried to reach you through the growing static / I tried to replicate the fading magic / Did everything to keep the signal from dying / All I got was radio silence / I tried to tell you that it’s gonna get better / I tried to put the pieces back together / Did everything to keep the signal from dying / All I got was radio silence” – adds a new layer of emotional intensity and ends the song beautifully. And her vocals are just perfect. It’s a stunning song. I love the imagery in the lyrics of ‘Pinwheel’: “Pinwheel, my head’s spinning / Tilting all the world in a colourful collision / Pinwheel, visions always blurry / Everything’s a wash, like pictures in a hurry,” “Carried all my dreams by the handle / Heavy as an anvil,” and “Maybe I’m a ten cent amusement / And maybe I’m a weapon and you don’t wanna use it,” and so on. And although I can’t quite explain how, the production sounds like a funfair: all the bright colours; the loud, strange noises; and overly sweet or salty smells and tastes. I can’t explain it; that’s just the sensory experience that comes to mind when I listen to it. And I really like ‘Last Resort,’ for the most part. I loved the guitar; it was such a gentle, soothing sound. And again, I loved the imagery in the lyrics (she’s an incredible lyricist): “When you’re wandering / Lost in your own land / I’ll clear a long road / That you can follow / Lead you to right where I am,” “Caught in the storm / When the shelters you build / Fall without warning,” and “In desperation / Please remember me / When hell burns brighter / I’ll put out the fire / That burns in the bad memories” are my favourites. And the instrumentation is gorgeous too. I particularly love the electric guitar between the second chorus and the bridge; it’s just such a beautiful sound and it’s so emotive. My only issue with it is that, as far as I can tell, this is a song about how you’ll always be there for someone, steadfast when all else fails. But the chorus line of “I’ll be your last resort” sounds more like the narrator is saying that they’re happy to be the other person’s last choice and that doesn’t really jive with the rest of the song as far as I can tell. I feel like it should either be saying something like, ‘I’ll always be here, you never need to ask’ (or ‘I’ll always pick up when you call,’ if you want something that fits with the rhyme scheme) or the song needs to explore why the narrator is okay with being this other person’s last choice, why they’re still always there if that’s the case. Other than that, it’s a beautiful closer.
Favourite Tracks: ‘New Madrid,’ ‘Pins and Needles,’ ‘Radio Silence,’ ‘Pinwheel,’ and ‘Last Resort.’
I like to listen to albums as full albums – from start to finish and in one go, if possible – but I don’t always have the time to do that when life gets busy. So I do have a bit of a backlog on my list of albums to listen to, plus the upcoming albums that I’m looking forward to hearing. Some of these are:
But I like having a new album to look forward to and fortunately, there are always more.
Category: autism, emotions, favourites, music, response, special interests, video, writing Tagged: agents of shield, album, album review, albums, amidst the chaos: live from the hollywood bowl, and now we're shining, apart together, bleachers, concept album, crossroads, daisy johnson, evermore, evermore deluxe, evolve, fan video, fanvid, fearless, fearless (taylor's version), growth, halsey, human, i got here by accident, if i can't have love i want power, iichliwp, imagine dragons, inspiration, jack antonoff, kacey musgraves, kalie shorr, ladyhawke, lyric analysis, lyrical analysis, lyrics, music, musical growth, natalie hemby, national album day, national album day 2021, olivia rodrigo, onerepublic, open book, open book: unabridged, pins and needles, production, production analysis, roseanna, ryan tedder, sara bareilles, sarah close, sensory, songwriting, songwriting analysis, sour, star-crossed, strange desire, synesthesia, take the sadness out of saturday night, taylor swift, tim minchin, wild things, zane lowe, zane lowe interview
Posted on April 24, 2021
So, on the 4th January, England went into another national lockdown and this list was once again revived. This one felt much more like the first lockdown than the second, where many schools, businesses, etc were still open. When schools and universities started to open, my course remained online (it was one of the courses that could function solely online and meant less people going back to the uni) so lockdown continued for me. My life has only just started to involve going out again – swimming, getting a haircut, (safely) seeing a few people – and that’s why I’ve kept this list going as long as I have…
As I said in the last part of this list, hopefully there won’t be reason to continue this post; hopefully there won’t be any more lockdowns. But I guess only time will tell. I’ve found it strangely comforting to keep this list; it’s kind of like a time capsule for these strange periods of time, if that makes sense.
I hope you’re all keeping safe and well and I’ll see you in the next post.
Category: adhd, autism, covid-19 pandemic, death, diagnosis, heds, medication, meltdowns, mental health, music, tips, trichotillomania, university, video, writing Tagged: a&e, about-face, absentia, acoustic ep, acoustic sessions, adhd, adhd diagnosis, adhd medication, ancestry, ancestrydna, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, ava, betsy lane, birthday, blood & water, cat family, christmas present, chronic fatigue service, chyler leigh, collaboration, coronavirus, covid test, covid vaccination, covid vaccine, covid-19, cowriter, cowriting, cowriting session, creating the queen's gambit, criminal minds, dare me, dbt, dialectical behaviour therapy, ecg, escape from pretoria, evermore, family history, fawm, fawm 2021, fearless (taylor's version), february album writing month, film, films, folklore, friends, grammys 2021, grey's anatomy, grief, grief anniversary, haircut, halsey, heds, honest ep, honest ep (sunburst sessions), hospital, how it ends, how to train your dragon, hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome, hypermobility, inattentive type, interview, kalie shorr, lexie grey, lockdown, lockdown 2021, lockdown 3.0, luce, masters, masters degree, masters degree in songwriting, masters degree year two, masters part time, medical trauma, medication, meltdown, migraine, movies, my cat, my cats, my dog, natalie hemby, new amsterdam, new music, new music release, new music uk, new single, nicola walker, occupational therapy, online concert, part time masters student, peppermint, politics, put it in a postcard, remote writing session, research conference, rheumatologist, rheumatology follow up, richard marc, social distancing, songwriter, songwriting, songwriting competition, sunburst sessions, taking lives, taylor swift, the bay, the dig, the one, the one netflix, the queen's gambit, the shires, the wilds, therapy, tim minchin, tiny pretty things, travis meadows, trich, trichotillomania, triggered, tv show, unforgotten, university, us politics, world autism awareness week, world autism awareness week 2021

Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), ADHD (Inattentive Type), and Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), as well as several mental health issues.
I’m a singer-songwriter (it’s my biggest special interest and I have both a BA and MA in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is on all platforms, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.
My debut EP, Honest, is available on all platforms, with a limited physical run at Resident Music in Brighton.
I’m currently working on an album about my experiences as an autistic woman.
Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), ADHD (Inattentive Type), and Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), as well as several mental health issues.
I’m a singer-songwriter (it’s my biggest special interest and I have both a BA and MA in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is on all platforms, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.
My debut EP, Honest, is available on all platforms, with a limited physical run at Resident Music in Brighton.
I’m currently working on an album about my experiences as an autistic woman.
Finding Hope