Posted on December 31, 2018
This year has been a struggle. Almost eighteen months ago, I made the decision to change my medication and that has basically been my life ever since. Lots of pills and doctors appointments but mostly dealing with the side effects, everything from nausea to shaking to a complete inability to think clearly. I don’t think I realised what a huge undertaking it was going to be but it’s not exactly surprising: you’re throwing all the chemicals in your brain and body out of whack. I tried Venlafaxine, Lithium, and Lamotrigine; I weaned myself off Venlafaxine, tried Amitriptyline, and now I’m taking Pregabalin and Clomipramine. This is the most promising combination so far and I’ve actually had a few really good days so I’m cautiously optimistic. But it’s been a long, hard road, sometimes so difficult that I wasn’t sure I’d survive it. And I don’t really feel able to acknowledge the good bits without paying tribute to the really tough things I had to go through and so got through.
The first of The Big Difficult Things was moving house. God, that was a struggle. Having thought that I’d found some sort of peace around it, when it came to the day, I was absolutely devastated. There were a lot of tears – from all of us. That house was my home for fifteen years – home to the greatest triumphs and tragedies of my life – and so, to some extent, it will always be my home. I think I could probably walk into my old bedroom twenty years from now and fall right back into that old rhythm.
I’m still learning the rhythms of the new house. There are days where it feels normal and then others where I hate it so much I could scream. Most of the time, it still feels like someone else’s house. Someone else’s house with all our stuff in. But every day is a step in the right direction. We’re filling all the empty space with memories, slowly but surely.
I’ve been writing a lot about Claire Wineland of late but I couldn’t write about this year and not mention her. Her death was another of The Big Difficult Things of this year. I stumbled across her YouTube channel late last year and have been following her on social media ever since. She was – and still is – a big inspiration for me and her death hit me really hard. It just makes no sense to me and never will and I’m still struggling to cope with that.
And through all of this, depression has been my constant, oppressive companion. While I had experienced depression before, this was a whole new kind of prison. The lows were lower than I’d ever experienced and there were several pretty scary moments. And as well as affecting my mood, my depression made it almost impossible to write songs. I’ve had many discussions about writer’s block over the years and I’ve always thought that there are things that can make writing difficult and so you have to figure out what’s causing the block and address it. In my case, it feels like depression suppresses the creative part of my brain: I don’t get random sparks of inspiration, I can’t solve problems creatively, and any active creativity – like songwriting – is like pulling teeth. It feels like writing songs requires a certain level of functioning that I’m just not capable of reaching while depressed. I want to write more about this – about depression and writer’s block – but that’s for another post.
Having said all of that, there have been good days, as well as good experiences on bad days.
By far the best part of this year has been the time spent with my friends and family, whether that be online or in the physical world, in Nashville, London, or Brighton. Or anywhere in between. These people have kept me going through the hardest period of my life so far and I’m so ridiculously grateful to them for that.
I got to travel a little bit this year, which was amazing. I managed to get back to Nashville where I had the most intense ten days possibly of my life. I got to see some lovely people, write songs (or try to), listen to some of the best songwriters in the world, and play a Song Suffragettes show. Even though I was incredibly anxious about it, that may very well have been the best day of my year.
I also travelled to Iceland for the first time and saw so many beautiful things, including a 60m waterfall, the Diamond Beach, and the Northern Lights. The natural scenery in Iceland took my breath away time and again. It felt like the first breath you take after being underwater. Of course, there was a lot of anxiety during the trip but it helped me in a way that only the magnificence of nature is able to.
There have been more wonderful live music events than I can count: Paramore, Kelsea Ballerini, Sugarland, Kacey Musgraves, Natalie Hemby (and all of Tin Pan South in Nashville), Frank Turner, Betsy Lane, The Shires, Sinead Burgess, The Brummies, Halsey, Kina Grannis, Aislin Evans, Maren Morris, and of course, Taylor Swift. Despite the anxieties around concerts, these are the places where I feel most alive and so, throughout this difficult period, I’ve always tried to ensure that there was another concert to look forward to.
And despite my musical struggles this year, I’ve actually played a few gigs and played shows that I am so proud to have been a part of. I got to play with WRTW again and it was even more fun than the first time (if that’s possible). I played Autism’s Got Talent in London, which was such a great opportunity. I played for Brighton Soup and Disability Pride in Brighton, two amazing organisations that I can’t praise enough. I also played Summer Fest in Worthing, my first show with my awesome friend, Richard Sanderson. And of course, I got to play a Song Suffragettes show when I was in Nashville.
I’ve also managed to do a handful to Autism research studies, as well as giving blood. I’ve been feeling so useless so I tried to contribute as best I could during this time where I’ve felt incapable of contributing anything at all.
Another big part of this year was getting used to the kittens: my cat had two kittens in February and me and my Mum just fell in love with them so we ended up keeping them. I love them dearly but it has been a major adjustment and a real struggle, especially with the daily battle that is depression. So this has been both a good and a bad thing. I want to write more about this whole experience because there were – and still are – a lot of complicated emotions involved. But above it all, we have Lucky and Lucy and the kittens and I love them more than life itself.
So, that’s it: 2018. It has been a hard, hard year, and one I’m very happy to leave behind but I’m cautiously optimistic about the next few months and the next year. I’ve felt better in the last couple of weeks than I have all year and I’m hopeful that this is characteristic of what’s to come.
“2018, the year of living, fighting, but ultimately, surviving depression. There was a lot of gold in the grey but I’m so ready to move on to 2019.” (x)
Category: animals, anxiety, autism, depression, event, holidays, medication, mental health, music, treatment Tagged: 2018, 2018 in review, amitriptyline, anti anxiety, anti depressants, anti-depressant, antianxiety, antidepressants, anxiety, cat, claire wineland, clomipramine, concert, concerts, creative block, death, depression, family, friends, grief, halsey, happy new year, iceland, kitten, kittens, lamotrigine, life, lithium, maren morris, medication, mental health, mental health blog, mental health blogger, mental health blogging, mental health treatment, mental illness, moving house, nashville, new home, new house, new year, performing, pregaballin, singer, singersongwriter, song suffragettes, songwriter, songwriting, support system, taylor swift, treating depression, treatment, venlafaxine, writers block
Posted on July 14, 2018
At the beginning of the year, I set myself a handful of goals for 2018 and as we’ve just hit July, I thought it might be wise to have another look at them to see how or whether I’m achieving them. There’s been a lot of hard stuff so far, which has pretty much dominated my life so I’m not super optimistic about my progress but let’s have a look…
WRITE MORE SONGS
Technically I have done some writing so I have achieved this but I feel like I’ve achieved it in the worst way possible. I’ve been struggling so much with my concentration, my motivation, and my general cognitive ability that writing has been gruelling at best. Throw in the recent period of struggling to actually put sentences together and you can imagine that I haven’t been getting very far. It’s hard to feel good about the songs I did manage to write too. So, all in all, it’s been a bit of a mess, but I’m cautiously (VERY cautiously) optimistic about this new medication. At the very least, coming off the Venlafaxine has allowed my brain to start functioning again. It’s overwhelming at times – it feels like a firework display in my head and I’m desperately trying to look at everything before it disappears – but it’s a thousand percent better than the alternative.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Invisible is out! My very first single is out in the world. It’s been very surreal and weird and I thought I’d feel less stressed once I had music out in the world, but nope. Even more stressed. Anyway, I did it. I (with the help of some very awesome people) jumped the first hurdle. That’s a big deal. Now, on to the next hurdle.
FIND THE RIGHT MEDICATION
Well, I found a lot of wrong ones. That’s all I’m sure of right now. Hopefully the new one will be the right one.
BECOME MORE INDEPENDENT
This is a tricky one because I’ve been mentally (and so physically as well) worse than I have been in a really long time. So it’s not really been the right time to try and be more independent; I’ve had a hard enough time being functional at all. But having said that, there have been a few things of note. I have been slightly more adventurous with food: I’ve been trying new things, which has always been a struggle for me, so that’s progress. I also discovered the Deliveroo app (I know, I’m way behind the times), which has helped me to be less dependent on other people. I’m not sure it’s exactly the same thing as being more independent but again, it’s progress. And finally, I found an app that makes sorting cabs easier. I have been so desperately low on energy recently that I’ve been relying on my Mum and her car so having that app has made things a bit easier.
WORK ON BEING HEALTHIER
Who knows with this one… When I was taking Phenelzine (and eating badly at university), I gained a lot of weight, all of which and more I’ve lost over the last nine months or so. That, I think, has mainly been due to the nausea I’ve been experiencing as a side effect from various medications, as well as my depression affecting my appetite and will to eat. I’m aware that that’s not the healthiest way to do it but it is what it is. I wanted to get back into a rhythm at the gym and do more swimming but I just haven’t been able to; I haven’t had the energy and I haven’t felt up to being surrounded by noise and people and life. Honestly, I have no idea how this one is going to for the rest of the year. I’ve spent the last six months or so in survival mode, trying to make myself eat the bare minimum, so motivating myself to be healthier hasn’t even felt possible.
READ MORE BOOKS (MORE THAN FIVE)
I feel quite good about this one. Although I’ve really struggled with my concentration and motivation over the last six months, I have rediscovered how much I love reading, which is so, so nice. I’ve read six books so far (what?!) and now that my brain feels a bit clearer, I’m really looking forward to reading more. I even have a list!
IMPROVE MY MUSICAL SKILLS
I have made zero progress on this one. I have just been too unwell to do anything about it. Plus, after the house move, I no longer have a piano, which obviously makes practicing the piano harder…
GO THROUGH MY POSSESSIONS
As I said when I set this one, I was in the process of moving house so I was going to be forced to do this and I was. I donated at least a third of my clothes to charity, quite possibly more, and threw out a fair amount that was practically worn out. I’ve bought my own desk (the one I had was borrowed), and replaced my bed: I HATED (and had hated for a long time) the one I had and the new one is much more practical with drawers underneath for storage. So I’ve definitely achieved this one and there’s more to go: there isn’t enough space for all my stuff in my new room. Throwing away things that I’m emotionally attached to (or have been in the past) is really hard for me so it’s been a big deal but I’ve done well so far and feel good about it going forward.
So, overall, I think I could’ve done worse and, of course, there are still six months left of the year. That’s plenty of time.
Category: book, depression, food, medication, mental health, music, treatment Tagged: actuallyautistic, autism, autism awareness, autism spectrum disorder, autistic, autistic adult, books, depression, medication, mental health, mental health awareness, mental health blog, mental health blogger, mental health blogging, mental illness, mental illness awareness, moving house, reading, singersongwriter, songwriter, songwriting
Posted on May 16, 2018
I can’t quite believe that I’m actually posting this but dreams do sometimes come true and my first single is out now! It’s called ‘Invisible,’ and it’s all about my experience with mental health, with trying to get support. I felt like I was drowning and yet the people who were supposed to help me couldn’t see it; I felt invisible. And that’s where this song came from. I wrote it with one of my best friends, Richard Sanderson, and now that it’s out in the world, all the proceeds are going to Young Minds, the mental health charity for young people in the UK. So please go and buy/stream/share it. I hope it will mean as much to you guys as it does to me.
There’s more to say and more content to come, stuff that I’m really excited about, but I just wanted to announce that it’s out! This song, and this project, means so much to me and I’m both excited and scared to see where it goes. Please check it out; you can find it here.
Category: event, mental health, music Tagged: anxiety, charity, charity single, debut single, depression, first single, invisible, invisible illness, mental health, mental health awareness, mental health awareness week, mental health charity, mental health week, mental illness, new music, singersongwriter, single, songwriter, songwriting, uk music, young minds
Posted on April 21, 2018
Ten points if you understand that reference.
As many of you know, I was in Nashville from 1st April to 11th April so here is a post all about that: the travel, the being away from home, some of the things I did, and how I felt about it all. A big part of this is that I do just want to write down some of my thoughts about it but I also think that documenting these experiences as a person with Autism, as a person with mental illness, could be helpful, especially when there is so little information and testimony about living with these issues.
The flight out was smooth. In the literal sense, anyway. But about an hour before we arrived in Charlotte, North Carolina, I started sneezing. I didn’t think much of it until we were walking through the airport and it still hadn’t stopped. And then my nose started to run (this is gross and probably too much information, but it was like water was just leaking out of my nose) and all the sniffing I was doing to try and stop it gradually gave me a terrible headache. So that was a struggle. And it just wouldn’t stop. By the time we arrived in Nashville several hours later, I had the beginnings of a migraine and was practically useless. Fortunately, I was travelling with my Mum and one of my best friends, Richard (who is also my writing partner), so I could hand over responsibility and focus on staying upright. We got to our accommodation and I fell asleep as soon as I sat down (getting back up and walking to the bed was the most asleep I’ve ever been while awake and, no joke, I laughed hysterically until I fell asleep). The jetlag got me good – I was so tired that I fell asleep in the middle of the afternoon every single day – and I still hadn’t gotten myself in sync by the time we were flying home.
Before I get on to the rest of the trip, I have to say that none of it would have been possible if my Mum hadn’t come with me. This was my third trip to the US and she has been with me each time, sometimes working and sometimes taking a holiday – she freaking deserves one with how hard she works, at everything – and I could not do it without her. This probably deserves it’s own post but in short: she helps me keep my anxiety under control, helps me process everything that’s happening, removes the stress around food by either being there to catch me when I fail at it or completely assuming responsibility for it… She is the certainty I need when every other thing around me is uncertain. All of these things make it possible for me to be functional, let alone make the most out of the trip and the opportunities I’m presented with. She is a complete superstar and I’m so, so grateful.
Another thing that I think is important to mention is how much I struggle with food when I travel. I have huge, huge anxiety around food (see my recent post) and there aren’t many things I can manage. I remember thinking, before my first trip, that there would finally be things I could eat but my perception of the food was wrong; I was convinced I’d gain loads of weight but I actually lost more than half a stone. Since then, both me and my Mum have been more prepared: we travel with things like rice cakes (one of my staples), shop on the first day, and never rely on restaurants or venues. So, this time, we made a huge thing of Stir Fry at the beginning of the week and I basically ate that all week. I know that some people would find that boring but for me, it was comforting to know that there was a meal a day that I wouldn’t have to worry about. Sometimes that’s all I can manage so I need to know that it’s something I can eat. Again, a major shout out to my Mum for supporting me with that. And to Pancake Pantry for getting me excited about food.
The reason for going at this time of year is the Tin Pan South songwriting festival. Over five days, there are a hundred songwriters’ rounds where all of these incredible songwriters play their songs – some famous, some never released – and tell the stories that inspired them. As a songwriter, it’s the most amazing and motivating experience. As you guys probably know from my playlist post, I saw so many people that I was so excited by but I’m not sure anyone is interested in that, given that this is primarily a mental health blog. Let me know if you would be interested in that. But having said that, I can’t not mention some of them: Natalie Hemby (one of my all time favourite songwriters) was incredible and hilarious; Alyssa Micaela and Emily Shackelton were wonderful; Abby Anderson’s ‘History’ was one of my favourite songs of the festival; the show with Jeff Cohen, Kara DioGuardi, Jamie Hartman, and Ingrid Andress (one of my favourite finds of the week) was mind blowing and definitely a highlight; and Nikita Karmen was another great discovery. All of the shows were fantastic though and I felt so lucky to be there. I felt (and do still although my mental health has crashed since) so, so inspired and can’t wait to write new songs having learned so much.
And on that note, I got to hang out and write songs with one of my favourite people in Nashville. Her name is Caylan and we met during my first trip to Nashville in 2016. We wrote one of my favourite and most personal songs several days later. She is such a beautiful songwriter and again, we wrote some really cool songs and it was so, so nice to see her again. I also did some writing with Richard, which is one of my favourite things to do.
The biggest, most exciting part of my trip was playing a Song Suffragettes round. I’ve been following them on social media and watching their shows on Periscope for years now and I have always been so inspired by their mission to promote these incredible up and coming young women in country music. I’ve always done my best to see the shows in person when in Nashville and it has truly been a dream of mine to play at one of their rounds. And on this trip, that dream came true. It was nerve wracking but it was one of the most positive experiences I’ve ever had and definitely so in the last year: everyone behind the show was so lovely and the other girls were so sweet and so welcoming. My performances weren’t perfect but I’m still proud of them and I felt so, so honoured to be there. It was inspiring and motivating and so special. We finished the show with a cover of ‘Delicate’ by Taylor Swift, which we’d put together in the back room before going on stage and, again, that was really fun. Oh, and the video of that is now on YouTube!
After the show, we went out to the lobby to meet and talk to anyone who wanted to talk. That turned out to be a real highlight. I hadn’t expected anyone to want to say more than hello since it was my first time playing and no one would’ve known me before the show but so many people came up to me and the conversations we had were and are very special to me. Two of the three songs I played are incredibly personal, including one about my experiences with trying to get help with my mental health, and these are the songs that seem to really connect with people. I’ve had people come up to me, tell me what it meant to them to hear these songs, and share some amazingly personal stories. It blows my mind that a little song that I wrote in my friend’s front room on a Thursday afternoon has made people feel safe enough to share these really important things with me. I’m so honoured. That whole night was so special to me. A massive thank you again to everyone behind Song Suffragettes for all you guys do and thank you, thank you, thank you for inviting me to play.
The last couple of days were a bit of a blur after that but my last activity in Nashville was a memorable one. We went to The Candle Bar to make our own candles, something I’d seen on Instagram and really wanted to do. I really, really struggle with candles because of how sensitive to smells I am so I was excited to find out whether I could create a candle that I could not only tolerate but also enjoy. Because you’re pouring out the fragrance and the wax, you are in control of how strong the candle will smell; obviously you want to be able to smell it but this made it possible to add slightly less of the fragrance so that it won’t be overwhelming. It was a really fun experience, simple and chilled and interesting. I had commitment issues over which container to use and had to change once I’d chosen the fragrance because the colour of it didn’t match how it smelled, but choosing the fragrance was easy: there were only two that I liked. I ended up going for the pink pepper and grapefruit because, as a smell, it had no sharp edges, if that makes sense. There was nothing jarring about it. Since I’ve been home, I’ve only lit it once but I really like it. It’s subtle, which is perfect for me, but I can still smell it and it does actually smell like the fragrance I chose. So I’m really happy with it and would definitely recommend the experience.
And then it was time to go home. Usually I dread going home but after the roller coaster of emotions that I went through on this trip and having the kittens waiting for me, I was ready to go. But it was still hard. I’ve jokingly compared my love for Nashville to a long distance relationship but fortunately, I know it isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. I’ll be back and it will be there, waiting for me. The plane ride home went fine, although we took extra precautions and I wore a mask for most of it. I felt ridiculous but I kept reminding myself that I was trying to avoid more illness and discomfort, that I am allowed to take care of myself.
Before I sign off, there are a couple of other things that I wanted to mention and the first one is about the emotions throughout the trip. The first half of the ten days was really hard: I was overwhelmed by anxiety and struggling to stay ahead of a particularly bad episode of Depression, my self doubt was paralyzing, and I just had this overwhelming longing to go home where I felt safe and less like I was going to fall apart at any second. It was horrible, but fortunately it did pass (although it’s come back in full force since I’ve been back) and I was able to enjoy the rest of the trip apart from some anxiety (which is totally normal – I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t anxious, and very anxious at that). The lows were very low and the highs were very high, as usual. And with everything on top of that, I was completely and utterly exhausted. So it was definitely a rollercoaster.
The other thing I want to say is that it was vital that I had some time out from it all. I’m going to write a ‘tips for travelling when you’re autistic’ post but I also want to include it here. With all the emotions, the anxiety, the walking and standing, etc, I had to have some recovery time. Apart from the times where I just fell asleep on the sofa, we would watch TV together (shout out to Episodes and Queer Eye – highly recommend both). I tried to ignore the little voice in my head that kept telling me I was wasting the trip by doing that but I tried to remember that I was doing it to ensure that I could make the most of the trip. It’s hard to see it that way sometimes. But without rest, I wouldn’t have been able to go out every night – sometimes to two shows – and I wouldn’t have been able to write the best songs I could and I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy the experience. So yes, if you need to take breaks, take breaks.
And that’s it for this post. I hope it was interesting, that there were a few helpful things in here. I have lots of blog posts on the go or in the planning stages so I’ll talk to you all soon!
Category: anxiety, autism, depression, emotions, event, food, mental health, music Tagged: actuallyautistic, aeroplane, america, anxiety, autism, autism spectrum disorder, autistic, autistic adult, autistic spectrum disorder, candle, candle making, depression, festival, flying, music, music festival, nashville, nashville tennessee, nsai, self care, self doubt, singersongwriter, song suffragettes, songwriter, songwriters, songwriting, songwriting festival, tennessee, tin pan south, travelling, united states, usa
Posted on April 14, 2018
So, as you guys know, I’ve been in Nashville and I just got back on Thursday. I’m working on a post all about the trip – partly because I just really want to write about it and partly because I think there is some stuff in there that could be useful to others – but that’s taking a while so, in the mean time, here is a little list of songs that I listened to while I was away, one for each day. Since I was there for the Tin Pan South songwriting festival, many of these songs haven’t been released yet or were performed by the original writers rather than the person that usually performs them. So, for the songwriters out there, I hope this will be interesting. Also bear in mind that, especially while the festival was going on, I was hearing between twenty and fifty songs a night so a lot of thinking went into these choices…
SUNDAY – ‘Love Is A Wild Thing’ by Kacey Musgraves (Written by Kacey Musgraves, Ian Fitchuk, and Daniel Tashian)
I hadn’t had a chance to listen to Kacey’s new album until I got on the plane and I just fell in love with it. She’d performed this one at Country2Country and I was so excited to hear it again. It did not disappoint and it’s one of my favourites of the album.
Even if you lose it, it will find you
There’s no way to stop it so don’t try to
Running like a river, trying to find the ocean
Flowers in the concrete
Climbing over fences, blooming in the shadows
Places that you can’t see
Coming through the melody when the night bird sings
Love is a wild thing
MONDAY – ‘Give It All Back’ by Jordyn Shellhart
I first heard Jordyn at a Song Suffragettes show (an organisation aimed at showcasing new female songwriters in country music) and I instantly fell in love with this song, with it’s energy, with it’s golden hope. You know when you’re listening to a song and it feels like your lungs are expanding, your head tilts up, and your whole body gets lighter? Yeah, I had that with this song. And then I was lucky enough to hear it in a Tin Pan South round later in the week.
If we got all we ever wanted
But it cost us all we ever had
Pinkie swear, baby, let’s shake on it
If it comes to that,
We’ll give it all back
TUESDAY – ‘Fight Like A Girl’ by Kalie Shorr (Written by Kalie Shorr, Lena Stone, and Hailey Steele)
This song has been out for a few years now but hearing it live is just another thing altogether and, of course, Kalie performed it when I saw her play at Song Suffragettes. I sort of forget how much I love it and then it just smacks me in the face and leaves me breathless. It’s such an anthem and I particularly love the lines about her Mum because I feel exactly the same way.
I’m little but I’m loud
Just wanna make my mama proud
And you can tell without a doubt that I’m her daughter
She raised me to believe
That I can be anything
So when you push me, I’ll just push back harder
WEDNESDAY – ‘Rainbow’ by Kacey Musgraves (Written by Kacey Musgraves, Natalie Hemby, and Shane McAnally)
I freaking love this song and have loved it since Kacey started performing it way back when. I was really disappointed when it wasn’t on her second album and absolutely ecstatic when it was on her third. And then Natalie Hemby performed it at Tin Pan South and I loved it even more, especially when she talked about the writing of it: it’s about how hard it is to recover from a traumatic experience or period in your life and how, even once you’ve come through it, it can be hard to recognise that. I really relate to that.
‘Cause the sky has finally opened, the rain and wind stopped blowin’
But you’re stuck out in the same old storm again
Hold tight to your umbrella, oh darlin’, I’m just tryin’ to tell you
That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head
THURSDAY – ‘Doin’ Fine’ by Lauren Alaina (Written by Lauren Alaina, Emily Shackelton, and Busbee)
This was a hard pick (honorary mention to ‘Between Me and a Bar’ by Alyssa Micaela because it’s freaking awesome and was a very, very close second to this song) but I connected to this song so strongly that it had to be this one. Emily Shackelton performed it during a Tin Pan South round and I fell in love with it straight away. This is my kind of anthem: not rainbows or confetti or fairy tales, but the moment when you realise you just might be okay after a really long struggle.
I’m doing fine enough to know that everyone’s a little broken
Fine enough to learn that hearts are best when they’re wide open
I still got fear inside of me
I’m not okay but I’m gonna be
For the first time in a long time I’m doing fine
I’m doing fine
FRIDAY – ‘History’ by Abby Anderson
Again, this one was a really, really difficult choice. Shout out to Ingrid Andress because all of her songs were amazing, especially ‘Ladylike.’ But, like the last one, I related to this song so powerfully that I had to talk about it here. As far as I can tell, she only wrote it recently so I’m not sure if it’s available anywhere yet or even if it will be. I really hope it will. It’s the song I’ve been trying to write my whole life.
It may be something that nobody sees
Something that we carry that will always be
If our paths don’t cross and we never speak
And the world moves on, believe you’ll be
A part of me, part of me
‘Cause we have history, history
SATURDAY – ‘First Last Name’ by Madison Kozak
I’ll stop saying this now but this was another one that I really struggled to narrow down. I was absolutely sure that I would choose a Nikita Karmen song because I was absolutely blown away by her in the first round (seriously, go and check her out) but then I heard this song and I couldn’t not write about it. Songs about fathers speak to me on a very specific level and this one just made me cry because it made me think about what our relationship might’ve been like. It’s a beautiful song.
He’s the son of a salesman
Short glass old fashioned
‘How’s your car been running, baby?
Call your mama when you get home safely.’
My hall of fame
He’s never missed a game
My first last name
SUNDAY – ‘Delicate’ by Taylor Swift (Written by Taylor Swift, Max Martin, and Shellback)
I listened to this song a lot on Sunday because I was performing at the Song Suffragettes round the next night and at the end of each show, the girls perform a surprise cover to finish. I was out of my mind excited to play that show so I listened to it on repeat to make sure I really knew it. Anyone who knows me knows that I love Taylor Swift. It wasn’t one of my favourites on the new album but the experience of learning it and performing it in that setting has made me absolutely love it.
Third floor on the west side, me and you
Handsome, you’re a mansion with a view
Do the girls back home touch you like I do?
Long night with you hands up in my hair
Echoes of your footsteps on the stairs
Stay here, honey, I don’t wanna share
MONDAY – ‘Brand New Heart’ by Lucy Scholl
I first heard this song last year when I saw Lucy perform at a Song Suffragettes round and I instantly fell in love with it. The chorus just spoke to me so clearly. I think it’s much better than the ‘I’m grateful you broke my heart because it made me a better person’ songs because, while it acknowledges the other person’s part, it’s about how she made that new heart, that new person. She hadn’t planned to play it at the round we were both performing in but I asked and she very kindly obliged.
Never thought I’d be so proud of these scars
Showin’ ‘em off like they’re a work of art
I took all the pieces that you broke apart
And I made a brand, brand new heart
TUESDAY – ‘Let Me Be’ by Savannah Keyes
Savannah played this song during the Song Suffragettes round and it’s been on my mind ever since. She talked about how she’d been out with friends and how they’d seen a shirt in a shop window, which had the words ‘eat less’ emblazoned on it. That example of how much pressure is put on girls inspired this song, which I just loved, as did my Mum. It was very powerful.
Let me be daring
Let me be kind and caring
A dreamer with a flower in her hair and
Let me be young and free
Let me be sweeter
Let me be an innocence keeper
A follow-my-heart believer
Let me be seventeen
Let me be
WEDNESDAY – ‘Oh What A World’ by Kacey Musgraves (Written by Kacey Musgraves, Ian Fitchuk, and Daniel Tashian)
And in a strange full circle of sorts, I ended up listening to Kacey Musgraves on the flight home. After the ten days I’d just had, ‘Oh What A World’ feels like a pretty appropriate closing track.
Oh, what a world, I don’t wanna leave
All kinds of magic all around us, it’s hard to believe
Thank God it’s not too good to be true
Oh, what a world, and then there is you
Category: event, favourites, music, video Tagged: country music, festival, golden hour, kacey musgraves, kalie shorr, music, music festival, nashville, natalie hemby, playlist, song suffragettes, songs, songwriter, songwriters, songwriting, songwriting festival, taylor swift, tin pan south, tin pan south 2018, travelling
Posted on December 16, 2017
Since I’m a songwriter first, last, and always, I thought I’d pull together some of my favourite songs this year as a sort of send off for 2017. So here goes, in no particular order:
I first heard this song last year when I went to Nashville for the first time (but it came out this year and I’ve played it a lot since then). I was there for the Tin Pan South songwriting festival and there were so many shows to go to but someone told me that, out of everybody there, I had to see Travis Meadows. So I did and I was blown away. In my opinion, he’s one of the greatest songwriters out there and I was transfixed by every song, as was everyone else in the room. And when I went back to Nashville this year, I made sure to get to his show. The chorus of this song speaks to me so deeply. You push something down and it comes out in ways you never expected and bitter thoughts do carve highways in the person you’re trying to become.
If I could buy myself a conscience that wasn’t broken
Mend every fence I drove my hard head through
Re-lock all the doors I wish I never opened
Unlearn the things I wish I never knew
And it came out through the bottle
It came out through my fists
It came out way too early
I wish it never did
Push it down, it comes out sideways
Push it down, it comes out sideways
Bitter roads turn into highways
Push it down it comes out sideways
This is another song that came out last year but I didn’t get around to listening to it until this year. During my teenage years Lauren Aquilina was one of my most listened to artists but that was a really tough time and I wasn’t super eager to jump back into all those associated emotions. I planned to listen to her album eventually; I was just waiting until I felt ready. And then I found out that she was playing a songwriters’ circle at my uni, the same one I was scheduled to play. It felt like the universe was telling me something so I listened to the album and fell in love. It sounds like the whole thing was written about the same person in one evening, to me at least. I love it. I love every song but I really love this one. Just because you’re doing the right thing doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Also, I’m a sucker for half time drums. Since hearing this song for the first time, I’ve met Lauren, played a songwriters’ circle with her, and written a song with her, and she is as lovely as I’d hoped she’d be.
People break each other’s hearts
In their individual ways
You broke mine clean in half
When you let me stay
You made me feel so exposed
Asked for the feelings I held close
And I gave them away
I knew this was coming from day one
This was never love, it was chaos
I was right, but I’ve never wanted to be so wrong
I loved this song from the moment I heard it. It was the song I didn’t know I needed. Moving on is hard but songs like this one make it easier. Kalie is super sweet and played it for me when I finally made it to a Song Suffragettes’ show in Nashville. That meant a lot to me. I’ve managed to get to a couple of their shows now and they’re all amazing songwriters. I can’t wait to go back.
Sun’s always gonna set in the west
Lipsticks and convertibles look better in red
And the best songs are three chords and the truth
But that ain’t nothin’ new
‘Cause ever since the beginning
Since the world started spinning, oh
It’s just a matter of fact
Girls want boys that don’t want them back
I’m just being honest, don’t matter what you call it, oh
The sun still shines, the sky’s still blue
You don’t want me, and I love you
But that ain’t nothin’ new
That ain’t nothin’ new
I know this song came out last year but it’s been on repeat all year; me and my writing partner listened to this album in so many sessions, for inspiration and just because we love it. I saw her perform three times this year, at Country2Country and twice on her UK tour, and she was absolutely incredible. I even got to meet her and she is so, so lovely. She is one of my favourite songwriters and one of my favourite singers, probably ever. This is a song I listen to when I need a boost and it delivers every time.
An airplane’s only paper ’til it finds a breeze
But don’t you know that it’s the low that makes the high so sweet?
When they try to break, break, break you
That’s when you get your break, break, breakthrough
You can’t forget about me
While you weren’t lookin’ I was gettin’ even higher
Say what you want about me
Your words are gasoline on my fire
You can hate me, underestimate me
Do what you do cause what you do don’t phase me
Just when you think I’m at the end
Any second I’ma catch my second wind
When Natalie announced she was releasing an album, I literally shrieked. I was so excited and the album exceeded all my expectations. It reminds me of hazy summers and nostalgia and Nashville. I was listening to it as I flew in when I went back in March and it’s now forever tied to those memories. I got to see her play a songwriters’ round while I was there and she played this song. I also got to meet her afterwards; she signed my songwriting book and I got to tell her that she is one of the songwriters I most want to write with one day. I’m heading back to Nashville in March… A girl can dream.
Oh, this town still talks about you
Like you never left
Hidden sounds in cracked sidewalks and the church pews
How could we forget?
You were so loved, you were one of our own
And it’s never been the same since you’ve been gone
Oh, this town still talks about you
I loved the Badlands album so I was so excited for Hopeless Fountain Kingdom. It took me a while to get into the latter but I think that’s because there’s just so much in it; I was completely overwhelmed to start with. I think it’s the kind of album that you have to immerse yourself in to get the best listening experience. I love the rawness of the emotion in this song and some of the lyrics cut so deep. Because the production is so layered and so all encompassing in many of her songs, I think that people sometimes forget or get distracted from what a great songwriter she is; even the songs that I would call my least favourites on the album – emotionally, stylistically, whatever – still have my songwriter brain going, “That’s so cool! That’s so clever!” I love the way she uses little details to create such vivid pictures.
You said I’m
Too much to handle
You said I
Shine too bright
I burnt the candle
Flew too high
Gotta wake up, gotta wake up
Gotta wake up, gotta wake up
Gotta wake up, come back to life
Gotta wake up, gotta wake up
Gotta wake up, gotta wake up
Gotta wake up, come back to life
Charlotte is one of my very best friends in the world and she’s an awesome singersongwriter so there was no way I wouldn’t include one of her songs in this list. She’s released two singles this year and there’s another one in the works but this one holds special memories for me. I remember sitting in her room in Nashville, listening to her talk about this song idea she’d had, hearing the first draft in class, and then counting down the minutes to its release with her. It’s my favourite of hers because I relate to it so strongly, to the confusion and distress when someone abandons you without explanation. But it’s also about taking back the power and moving forward, bravely and deliberately. Since this song’s release, I’ve been more involved with her project, writing bits and pieces for her press releases and I feel so honoured and grateful to be on this journey with her.
He’s tired of my blue eyes and the chase
I became a fierce sea in his place
I’m thunder, he was the rain
I hold onto my heart as it aches
Warm up from the chill he creates
There’s more to me than this pain
People play pretend, they change
Their minds, we’re all the same
I didn’t plan on this, it’s fine, just go
Did I become someone you couldn’t love
Did I become something you couldn’t love
Couldn’t love, couldn’t love
Couldn’t love, couldn’t love, oh
Is there a part of me that was not enough
A part you found, a part that you couldn’t love
Couldn’t love, couldn’t love
Couldn’t love, couldn’t love, oh
Another ‘old’ one but I couldn’t leave this one out. This year, I hit the lowest point I’ve ever been and for a while, I was so depressed that I couldn’t listen to music. I’ve only had that experience a couple of times but it’s always excruciating. But when I start to come out of it, Sara Bareilles is my go to, especially this song. It sounds as fragile as I feel but it has the hope that I need to keep going. Many of Sara’s songs have marked important moments in my life, both good and bad, and I’m grateful for that (one of the best moments of my life was when she dedicated her song ‘Uncharted’ to me during a show). She is one of my all time favourite singers, one of my all time songwriters, and I’m endlessly inspired by her.
She’s imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine
It’s not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it’s all true
And now I’ve got you
And you’re not what I asked for
If I’m honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew
I’ve loved Rachel Platten since ‘Fight Song’ so I was very excited for her to release more music (although I don’t think anything could beat out ‘Fight Song’ for the number one spot). When this song came out, I listened to it all the time, especially when I had to do something that made me anxious. It gave me a boost emotionally and made me feel invincible, much like ‘Fight Song’ did when I first heard it. I love the confidence and the surety in this song. Although ‘Fight Song’ had a similarly empowering message, something about it sounded like it had something to prove. ‘Broken Glass’ has moved on from that; this song doesn’t need to prove anything and I love that.
So I bet on me and my own heartbeat
When all the odds are piling
Like bricks around my feet
You know, you know it’s more than
More than just for me
You know it’s worth it
I still believe, yeah
I’m gonna dance on broken glass, on broken glass
And I’m gonna make that ceiling crash, that ceiling crash
So what? Still got knives in my back
So what? So I’m tied to the tracks
I’m gonna dance on broken glass
And here I go, ya here I go
Yeah here I go, here I go
And here I go, here I go
I get major songwriting envy when it comes to Kelsea Ballerini. I know that we all have different styles but damn, I wish I could write like her. I swear she manages to fit more words into a song than anyone else and that makes for a beautifully detailed world in every song. I love this one for its sense of acceptance, for its pure you-and-me-against-the-world-ness. I also love the way it blends pop and country together. I think there’s something really special about the way country writers write pop songs.
We were golden, we were fire, we were magic
Yeah, and they all knew our names all over town
We had it made in the middle of the madness
We were neon in a grey crowd
Yeah, we wrote our own story
Full of blood, sweat, and heartbeats
We didn’t do it for the fame or the glory
But we went down in history
Yeah, we were legends
Loving you baby, it was heaven
What everyone wondered, we never questioned
Closed our eyes and took on the world together
Do you remember?
We were crazy, tragic and epic, and so amazing
I’ll always wear the crown that you gave me
We will always stay lost in forever, and they’ll remember
We were legends
Of course there was going to be a Taylor song on this list. Taylor Swift is one of my all time favourite people. I was beyond excited for the new album and I fell in love with this song from the first listen. It’s like a full-length movie fitted into four minutes; the detail is exquisite. I love the journey, the emotion, the energy. It reminds me of ‘Out of the Woods’ from the 1989 album. I think it’s one of her best songs from a songwriting perspective and every time I listen to it, I hear more layers, both in the production and in the lyrics. I want to write a song that complex and cohesive one day. I also love the ‘Making of a Song’ video for this song because that’s how I write songs. I love how excited she gets when they finish writing the bridge; I’m exactly the same.
It was the great escape, the prison break
The light of freedom on my face
But you weren’t thinking
And I was just drinking
Well, he was running after us, I was screaming, ‘Go, go, go!’
But with three of us, honey, it’s a sideshow
And a circus ain’t a love story
And now we’re both sorry (we’re both sorry)
X marks the spot, where we fell apart
He poisoned the well, every man for himself
I knew it from the first old fashioned, we were cursed
It hit you like a shotgun shot to the heart
You were driving the getaway car
We were flying, but we’d never get far
Don’t pretend it’s such a mystery
Think about the place where you first met me
We’re riding in a getaway car
There were sirens in the beat of your heart
Should’ve known I’d be the first to leave
Think about the place where you first met me
In a getaway car
No, they never get far
No, nothing good starts in a getaway car
Not from this year but I only discovered it recently. I know Nadine from university and I love her music but this one is really special. I feel like it’s talking directly to me and encouraging me forward, and I know I’m not the only one who feels that way. When I listen to it, especially when I’m in the fragile place I am at the moment, it gives me hope and makes me feel like I will get through all the hard stuff. It reminds me to trust myself and I’ve really needed that.
You’ve wasted hours
Knocking on iron doors
Maintained your head and heart
You know, he can’t be yours now
Now run, my soul
From regrets too old
Be strong, be bold
Let new ways unfold
Now your cheeks turn back to colour
As you’re blinking in the sun
In time you will recover
I can see new life’s begun
Spring will come
There are so many songs I wanted to put on this list but if I wrote about all of them, we’d still be here at the end of 2018. So I’ll stop. But this has been really fun. I hope you enjoyed it too. What were your songs of 2017?
Category: holidays, music Tagged: 2017, 2017 in songs, 2018, charlotte black, favourites, friends, halsey, kalie shorr, kelsea ballerini, lauren aquilina, maren morris, music, NADINE, nashville, natalie hemby, new year, rachel platten, sara bareilles, singer, singersongwriter, song suffragettes, songs, songwriter, songwriting, taylor swift, travis meadows
Hey! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder, as well as a number of mental health issues. I’m also a singer-songwriter so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is now available on iTunes and Spotify, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.