Getting Back To Gigging

Over the last twelve months, I’ve barely been performing at all. I just haven’t been up to it. My depression has been completely overwhelming and has only been compounded by trying to find a new antidepressant, what with all the side effects: at one of the few gigs I have done, I was getting so dizzy that I couldn’t stand up long enough to play three songs. So it’s been a struggle. But in the last few weeks, I’ve had two gigs – and two gigs that I really wanted to do – and so I’ve had to figure out how to do everything that that involves while still struggling the way I am. It was hard work and the heat didn’t help but I managed to do them and do them reasonably well all things considered.

The first performance was part of Brighton Soup. For those of you who haven’t heard of it, it’s a community event where four people (or organisations) pitch their ideas to improve Brighton and Hove. Everyone votes and the pitch with the most votes gets the money from the ticket sales to make their idea a reality. They invited me to play at their next event and it turned out to be such a special experience. I was so moved by all of the pitches and the general spirit in the room.

I was really anxious about performing – more than I have been in a long time – and my hands were actually shaking. I find that very disconcerting, not being in control of my body. I took a deep breath and tried to imagine it flowing through my body, imagine everything settling. That helped a bit, as did trying to really feel every line of each song as I sang it.

Before this unplanned break from performing, I felt fairly confident on stage and although I did get nervous, it all but disappeared the moment I started singing. It took longer this time but, by the time I finished my four songs, I felt like myself again. I’m not sure I could explain the process – from shaking mess to confident performer – but I could feel it happening and that, in itself, helped with my anxiety.

The second performance was at Disability Pride in Brighton. I got to play last year (despite technical difficulties, it’s still one of my favourite performing experiences) and I was SO excited to get to play again. It’s such a special event.

It turned out to be a pretty challenging gig. The acoustic stage was inside an inflatable structure, which needed a generator to remain inflated. The generator was so loud that I couldn’t hear myself at all. I was reassured by multiple people that it sounded great from the audience’s perspective, but I still really struggled with it. Had this happened a year ago when I was performing fairly regularly, it wouldn’t have bothered me as much because the more you perform, the more it gets into your muscle memory. So, if you’re struggling to hear yourself, you can rely on other parts of your body to judge how the performance is going: how your voice feels in your throat, for example. But during this ‘break’ from performing, that muscle memory has faded and so I was relying heavily on hearing myself. So it wasn’t as easy as it could’ve been. Plus it was stiflingly hot and I’ve always struggled with heat.

But having said all of that, it was one of the most supportive and most generous audiences I’ve ever played for and I felt so, so lucky to be there. I wish I could’ve given them a better performance. My sincerest thanks to everyone who made the event possible; I literally can’t put into words (I’ve been staring at the computer screen for an hour) how much it means to me.

The last few weeks have been a bit of a rollercoaster, but one that I’m really grateful for. I’d sort of forgotten how much I love performing but this has really helped to remind me.

 

Goin’ Back To Nashville, Thinkin’ ‘Bout The Whole Thing

Ten points if you understand that reference.

As many of you know, I was in Nashville from 1st April to 11th April so here is a post all about that: the travel, the being away from home, some of the things I did, and how I felt about it all. A big part of this is that I do just want to write down some of my thoughts about it but I also think that documenting these experiences as a person with Autism, as a person with mental illness, could be helpful, especially when there is so little information and testimony about living with these issues.

The flight out was smooth. In the literal sense, anyway. But about an hour before we arrived in Charlotte, North Carolina, I started sneezing. I didn’t think much of it until we were walking through the airport and it still hadn’t stopped. And then my nose started to run (this is gross and probably too much information, but it was like water was just leaking out of my nose) and all the sniffing I was doing to try and stop it gradually gave me a terrible headache. So that was a struggle. And it just wouldn’t stop. By the time we arrived in Nashville several hours later, I had the beginnings of a migraine and was practically useless. Fortunately, I was travelling with my Mum and one of my best friends, Richard (who is also my writing partner), so I could hand over responsibility and focus on staying upright. We got to our accommodation and I fell asleep as soon as I sat down (getting back up and walking to the bed was the most asleep I’ve ever been while awake and, no joke, I laughed hysterically until I fell asleep). The jetlag got me good – I was so tired that I fell asleep in the middle of the afternoon every single day – and I still hadn’t gotten myself in sync by the time we were flying home.

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Before I get on to the rest of the trip, I have to say that none of it would have been possible if my Mum hadn’t come with me. This was my third trip to the US and she has been with me each time, sometimes working and sometimes taking a holiday – she freaking deserves one with how hard she works, at everything – and I could not do it without her. This probably deserves it’s own post but in short: she helps me keep my anxiety under control, helps me process everything that’s happening, removes the stress around food by either being there to catch me when I fail at it or completely assuming responsibility for it… She is the certainty I need when every other thing around me is uncertain. All of these things make it possible for me to be functional, let alone make the most out of the trip and the opportunities I’m presented with. She is a complete superstar and I’m so, so grateful.

Another thing that I think is important to mention is how much I struggle with food when I travel. I have huge, huge anxiety around food (see my recent post) and there aren’t many things I can manage. I remember thinking, before my first trip, that there would finally be things I could eat but my perception of the food was wrong; I was convinced I’d gain loads of weight but I actually lost more than half a stone. Since then, both me and my Mum have been more prepared: we travel with things like rice cakes (one of my staples), shop on the first day, and never rely on restaurants or venues. So, this time, we made a huge thing of Stir Fry at the beginning of the week and I basically ate that all week. I know that some people would find that boring but for me, it was comforting to know that there was a meal a day that I wouldn’t have to worry about. Sometimes that’s all I can manage so I need to know that it’s something I can eat. Again, a major shout out to my Mum for supporting me with that. And to Pancake Pantry for getting me excited about food.

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The reason for going at this time of year is the Tin Pan South songwriting festival. Over five days, there are a hundred songwriters’ rounds where all of these incredible songwriters play their songs – some famous, some never released – and tell the stories that inspired them. As a songwriter, it’s the most amazing and motivating experience. As you guys probably know from my playlist post, I saw so many people that I was so excited by but I’m not sure anyone is interested in that, given that this is primarily a mental health blog. Let me know if you would be interested in that. But having said that, I can’t not mention some of them: Natalie Hemby (one of my all time favourite songwriters) was incredible and hilarious; Alyssa Micaela and Emily Shackelton were wonderful; Abby Anderson’s ‘History’ was one of my favourite songs of the festival; the show with Jeff Cohen, Kara DioGuardi, Jamie Hartman, and Ingrid Andress (one of my favourite finds of the week) was mind blowing and definitely a highlight; and Nikita Karmen was another great discovery. All of the shows were fantastic though and I felt so lucky to be there. I felt (and do still although my mental health has crashed since) so, so inspired and can’t wait to write new songs having learned so much.

And on that note, I got to hang out and write songs with one of my favourite people in Nashville. Her name is Caylan and we met during my first trip to Nashville in 2016. We wrote one of my favourite and most personal songs several days later. She is such a beautiful songwriter and again, we wrote some really cool songs and it was so, so nice to see her again. I also did some writing with Richard, which is one of my favourite things to do.

The biggest, most exciting part of my trip was playing a Song Suffragettes round. I’ve been following them on social media and watching their shows on Periscope for years now and I have always been so inspired by their mission to promote these incredible up and coming young women in country music. I’ve always done my best to see the shows in person when in Nashville and it has truly been a dream of mine to play at one of their rounds. And on this trip, that dream came true. It was nerve wracking but it was one of the most positive experiences I’ve ever had and definitely so in the last year: everyone behind the show was so lovely and the other girls were so sweet and so welcoming. My performances weren’t perfect but I’m still proud of them and I felt so, so honoured to be there. It was inspiring and motivating and so special. We finished the show with a cover of ‘Delicate’ by Taylor Swift, which we’d put together in the back room before going on stage and, again, that was really fun. Oh, and the video of that is now on YouTube!

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After the show, we went out to the lobby to meet and talk to anyone who wanted to talk. That turned out to be a real highlight. I hadn’t expected anyone to want to say more than hello since it was my first time playing and no one would’ve known me before the show but so many people came up to me and the conversations we had were and are very special to me. Two of the three songs I played are incredibly personal, including one about my experiences with trying to get help with my mental health, and these are the songs that seem to really connect with people. I’ve had people come up to me, tell me what it meant to them to hear these songs, and share some amazingly personal stories. It blows my mind that a little song that I wrote in my friend’s front room on a Thursday afternoon has made people feel safe enough to share these really important things with me. I’m so honoured. That whole night was so special to me. A massive thank you again to everyone behind Song Suffragettes for all you guys do and thank you, thank you, thank you for inviting me to play.

The last couple of days were a bit of a blur after that but my last activity in Nashville was a memorable one. We went to The Candle Bar to make our own candles, something I’d seen on Instagram and really wanted to do. I really, really struggle with candles because of how sensitive to smells I am so I was excited to find out whether I could create a candle that I could not only tolerate but also enjoy. Because you’re pouring out the fragrance and the wax, you are in control of how strong the candle will smell; obviously you want to be able to smell it but this made it possible to add slightly less of the fragrance so that it won’t be overwhelming. It was a really fun experience, simple and chilled and interesting. I had commitment issues over which container to use and had to change once I’d chosen the fragrance because the colour of it didn’t match how it smelled, but choosing the fragrance was easy: there were only two that I liked. I ended up going for the pink pepper and grapefruit because, as a smell, it had no sharp edges, if that makes sense. There was nothing jarring about it. Since I’ve been home, I’ve only lit it once but I really like it. It’s subtle, which is perfect for me, but I can still smell it and it does actually smell like the fragrance I chose. So I’m really happy with it and would definitely recommend the experience.

And then it was time to go home. Usually I dread going home but after the roller coaster of emotions that I went through on this trip and having the kittens waiting for me, I was ready to go. But it was still hard. I’ve jokingly compared my love for Nashville to a long distance relationship but fortunately, I know it isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. I’ll be back and it will be there, waiting for me. The plane ride home went fine, although we took extra precautions and I wore a mask for most of it. I felt ridiculous but I kept reminding myself that I was trying to avoid more illness and discomfort, that I am allowed to take care of myself.

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Before I sign off, there are a couple of other things that I wanted to mention and the first one is about the emotions throughout the trip. The first half of the ten days was really hard: I was overwhelmed by anxiety and struggling to stay ahead of a particularly bad episode of Depression, my self doubt was paralyzing, and I just had this overwhelming longing to go home where I felt safe and less like I was going to fall apart at any second. It was horrible, but fortunately it did pass (although it’s come back in full force since I’ve been back) and I was able to enjoy the rest of the trip apart from some anxiety (which is totally normal – I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t anxious, and very anxious at that). The lows were very low and the highs were very high, as usual. And with everything on top of that, I was completely and utterly exhausted. So it was definitely a rollercoaster.

The other thing I want to say is that it was vital that I had some time out from it all. I’m going to write a ‘tips for travelling when you’re autistic’ post but I also want to include it here. With all the emotions, the anxiety, the walking and standing, etc, I had to have some recovery time. Apart from the times where I just fell asleep on the sofa, we would watch TV together (shout out to Episodes and Queer Eye – highly recommend both). I tried to ignore the little voice in my head that kept telling me I was wasting the trip by doing that but I tried to remember that I was doing it to ensure that I could make the most of the trip. It’s hard to see it that way sometimes. But without rest, I wouldn’t have been able to go out every night – sometimes to two shows – and I wouldn’t have been able to write the best songs I could and I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy the experience. So yes, if you need to take breaks, take breaks.

And that’s it for this post. I hope it was interesting, that there were a few helpful things in here. I have lots of blog posts on the go or in the planning stages so I’ll talk to you all soon!

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Nashville Playlist

So, as you guys know, I’ve been in Nashville and I just got back on Thursday. I’m working on a post all about the trip – partly because I just really want to write about it and partly because I think there is some stuff in there that could be useful to others – but that’s taking a while so, in the mean time, here is a little list of songs that I listened to while I was away, one for each day. Since I was there for the Tin Pan South songwriting festival, many of these songs haven’t been released yet or were performed by the original writers rather than the person that usually performs them. So, for the songwriters out there, I hope this will be interesting. Also bear in mind that, especially while the festival was going on, I was hearing between twenty and fifty songs a night so a lot of thinking went into these choices…


SUNDAY – ‘Love Is A Wild Thing’ by Kacey Musgraves (Written by Kacey Musgraves, Ian Fitchuk, and Daniel Tashian)

I hadn’t had a chance to listen to Kacey’s new album until I got on the plane and I just fell in love with it. She’d performed this one at Country2Country and I was so excited to hear it again. It did not disappoint and it’s one of my favourites of the album.

Even if you lose it, it will find you

There’s no way to stop it so don’t try to

Running like a river, trying to find the ocean

Flowers in the concrete

Climbing over fences, blooming in the shadows

Places that you can’t see

Coming through the melody when the night bird sings

Love is a wild thing


MONDAY – ‘Give It All Back’ by Jordyn Shellhart

I first heard Jordyn at a Song Suffragettes show (an organisation aimed at showcasing new female songwriters in country music) and I instantly fell in love with this song, with it’s energy, with it’s golden hope. You know when you’re listening to a song and it feels like your lungs are expanding, your head tilts up, and your whole body gets lighter? Yeah, I had that with this song. And then I was lucky enough to hear it in a Tin Pan South round later in the week.

If we got all we ever wanted

But it cost us all we ever had

Pinkie swear, baby, let’s shake on it

If it comes to that,

We’ll give it all back


TUESDAY – ‘Fight Like A Girl’ by Kalie Shorr (Written by Kalie Shorr, Lena Stone, and Hailey Steele)

This song has been out for a few years now but hearing it live is just another thing altogether and, of course, Kalie performed it when I saw her play at Song Suffragettes. I sort of forget how much I love it and then it just smacks me in the face and leaves me breathless. It’s such an anthem and I particularly love the lines about her Mum because I feel exactly the same way.

I’m little but I’m loud

Just wanna make my mama proud

And you can tell without a doubt that I’m her daughter

She raised me to believe

That I can be anything

So when you push me, I’ll just push back harder


WEDNESDAY – ‘Rainbow’ by Kacey Musgraves (Written by Kacey Musgraves, Natalie Hemby, and Shane McAnally)

I freaking love this song and have loved it since Kacey started performing it way back when. I was really disappointed when it wasn’t on her second album and absolutely ecstatic when it was on her third. And then Natalie Hemby performed it at Tin Pan South and I loved it even more, especially when she talked about the writing of it: it’s about how hard it is to recover from a traumatic experience or period in your life and how, even once you’ve come through it, it can be hard to recognise that. I really relate to that.

‘Cause the sky has finally opened, the rain and wind stopped blowin’

But you’re stuck out in the same old storm again

Hold tight to your umbrella, oh darlin’, I’m just tryin’ to tell you

That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head


THURSDAY – ‘Doin’ Fine’ by Lauren Alaina (Written by Lauren Alaina, Emily Shackelton, and Busbee)

This was a hard pick (honorary mention to ‘Between Me and a Bar’ by Alyssa Micaela because it’s freaking awesome and was a very, very close second to this song) but I connected to this song so strongly that it had to be this one. Emily Shackelton performed it during a Tin Pan South round and I fell in love with it straight away. This is my kind of anthem: not rainbows or confetti or fairy tales, but the moment when you realise you just might be okay after a really long struggle.

I’m doing fine enough to know that everyone’s a little broken

Fine enough to learn that hearts are best when they’re wide open

I still got fear inside of me

I’m not okay but I’m gonna be

Alright

For the first time in a long time I’m doing fine

I’m doing fine


FRIDAY – ‘History’ by Abby Anderson

Again, this one was a really, really difficult choice. Shout out to Ingrid Andress because all of her songs were amazing, especially ‘Ladylike.’ But, like the last one, I related to this song so powerfully that I had to talk about it here. As far as I can tell, she only wrote it recently so I’m not sure if it’s available anywhere yet or even if it will be. I really hope it will. It’s the song I’ve been trying to write my whole life.

It may be something that nobody sees

Something that we carry that will always be

If our paths don’t cross and we never speak

And the world moves on, believe you’ll be

A part of me, part of me

‘Cause we have history, history


SATURDAY – ‘First Last Name’ by Madison Kozak

I’ll stop saying this now but this was another one that I really struggled to narrow down. I was absolutely sure that I would choose a Nikita Karmen song because I was absolutely blown away by her in the first round (seriously, go and check her out) but then I heard this song and I couldn’t not write about it. Songs about fathers speak to me on a very specific level and this one just made me cry because it made me think about what our relationship might’ve been like. It’s a beautiful song.

He’s the son of a salesman

Short glass old fashioned

‘How’s your car been running, baby?

Call your mama when you get home safely.’

My hall of fame

He’s never missed a game

My first last name


SUNDAY – ‘Delicate’ by Taylor Swift (Written by Taylor Swift, Max Martin, and Shellback)

I listened to this song a lot on Sunday because I was performing at the Song Suffragettes round the next night and at the end of each show, the girls perform a surprise cover to finish. I was out of my mind excited to play that show so I listened to it on repeat to make sure I really knew it. Anyone who knows me knows that I love Taylor Swift. It wasn’t one of my favourites on the new album but the experience of learning it and performing it in that setting has made me absolutely love it.

Third floor on the west side, me and you

Handsome, you’re a mansion with a view

Do the girls back home touch you like I do?

Long night with you hands up in my hair

Echoes of your footsteps on the stairs

Stay here, honey, I don’t wanna share


MONDAY – ‘Brand New Heart’ by Lucy Scholl

I first heard this song last year when I saw Lucy perform at a Song Suffragettes round and I instantly fell in love with it. The chorus just spoke to me so clearly. I think it’s much better than the ‘I’m grateful you broke my heart because it made me a better person’ songs because, while it acknowledges the other person’s part, it’s about how she made that new heart, that new person. She hadn’t planned to play it at the round we were both performing in but I asked and she very kindly obliged.

Never thought I’d be so proud of these scars

Showin’ ‘em off like they’re a work of art

I took all the pieces that you broke apart

And I made a brand, brand new heart


TUESDAY – ‘Let Me Be’ by Savannah Keyes

Savannah played this song during the Song Suffragettes round and it’s been on my mind ever since. She talked about how she’d been out with friends and how they’d seen a shirt in a shop window, which had the words ‘eat less’ emblazoned on it. That example of how much pressure is put on girls inspired this song, which I just loved, as did my Mum. It was very powerful.

Let me be daring

Let me be kind and caring

A dreamer with a flower in her hair and

Let me be young and free

Let me be sweeter

Let me be an innocence keeper

A follow-my-heart believer

Let me be seventeen

Let me be


WEDNESDAY – ‘Oh What A World’ by Kacey Musgraves (Written by Kacey Musgraves, Ian Fitchuk, and Daniel Tashian)

And in a strange full circle of sorts, I ended up listening to Kacey Musgraves on the flight home. After the ten days I’d just had, ‘Oh What A World’ feels like a pretty appropriate closing track.

Oh, what a world, I don’t wanna leave

All kinds of magic all around us, it’s hard to believe

Thank God it’s not too good to be true

Oh, what a world, and then there is you

To Gig Or Not To Gig

What with the medication and the side effects and the day-to-day consequences of my specific Venn diagram of issues, I have been feeling incredibly unwell over the last several months. It’s been really tough: I’ve been dealing with nausea, dizziness, weakness, shortness of breath, shakiness, and so on. Having spent so much time and effort convincing people that a mental illness is actually an illness, that it isn’t less important just because the symptoms are inside your head, I think it’s easy to forget that these problems also have physical symptoms. I’m guilty of it too and I’m not very good at accepting that reality. But I’ve had to of late. Or, at the very least, try not to give myself such a hard time over it.

But this week I had my first gig in a really long time and I was going to do it, come hell or high water. The hardest thing has been not being able to do the things I love the most, namely singing and songwriting. That makes me a kind of stir crazy that I’m not sure I can put into words. So I did my absolute best to make sure I was ready, in both the health and music sense, and I thought I’d share some of the things I did in case they’re useful to anyone else.

Make sure your expectations are realistic – In the last six months, I’ve been offered a couple of gigs that I knew I just couldn’t do, regardless of how much I wanted to do them. I just wasn’t well enough. But this one was perfect: a short set, a relaxed atmosphere, lovely and supportive people… It was a really good opportunity to do this thing that I love so much without too great a cost to myself.

If it feels right, let those in charge know – I don’t think this is always necessary but when you know it could affect your performance, it can be a good move. It’s my default position to be open and honest and because I write songs about my experiences with mental health and Autism, they find out soon enough anyway but I’m also aware that people can jump to incorrect conclusions when they hear the word ‘Autism.’ So there are pros and cons but it’s something to consider.

Practice in small doses – There’s no getting away from the fact that you need to practice to be ready to perform well at anything. But it doesn’t have to be a huge, daunting black cloud that swallows up your day. I hadn’t been doing much consistent practice because I just felt so awful but I managed to build in fifteen minutes a day. It felt pathetic given that I used to be able to sing and play for hours but I’m trying to just acknowledge the thought and then put it aside. Even fifteen minutes was leaving me shaky but it gave me back some of my confidence and even though I don’t have another gig for a while, I am going to try and keep to this. It gives me more than it takes away.

Physically prepare your body – Make sure you’ve slept enough, eaten enough, and drunk enough water. These can be hard; I’ve struggled with all of them. But try to remember why you’re forcing yourself through it and do your best. It puts you in the best possible position to perform well which is, after all, the goal. Hopefully that motivation is enough.

Do whatever it is that gives you a boost and if you can’t do that, avoid the things that bring you down – I usually listen to music to inspire and energize me before a gig. They’re not necessarily happy songs but they are all high energy or high intensity. That helps me get into the right mindset to perform and that usually overrides whatever I’m dealing with physically.

If you need to stop, stop – I’ve been to multiple gigs where acts have had to call it quits mid set because of a terrible cold or whatever and every single time, the only thing anyone says is how impressed they are that the person got as far as they did. That may not always be the case but would it be better to push through and end up face planting onto the floor when the dizziness turned into fainting? No, it would not. Do what you can for as long as you can and then gracefully retreat.

Now I can’t prove that these things helped but I know they didn’t hurt. The gig went really well and it felt so good to be performing again. A couple of days later and I’m still tired and shaky but if that’s the price, I’m more than happy to pay it. For the first time in weeks, I feel like I’m in sync with my life; my anxiety has dissipated and I actually feel calm. That’s not something I can say very often.

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2018, I’ll Make You A Deal

I’ve been thinking a lot about whether or not to have resolutions. In this particular phase of my life, everything seems so uncertain, both in terms of my mental health and my life post university. I have no idea where I’m going to be in a month so it seems reductionist to start imposing constraints. I don’t really like the expectations around them but I do like the concept, the decision to move forward with better habits. So I’m trying to think of some habits I want to foster and some goals, all which should be achievable, that I’d like to work toward in 2018.

WRITE MORE SONGS – While I was still at university, I was writing a lot of songs, which was awesome, but I haven’t been writing nearly as much since I left. That has mainly been due to a suffocating bout of depression and then the medication-induced rollercoaster that I’ve been riding to try and get out of it. I want to get to a place where my mental health becomes more stable and conducive to writing and then, hopefully, it will be all systems go.

RELEASE MUSIC – This was a goal for last year and it almost happened but the whole process has just taken longer than I’d hoped. But it’s still on track so hopefully my first single will be out soon. That feels like a real milestone that I’m so, so excited for.

FIND THE RIGHT MEDICATION – I’ve already kind of mentioned this but I want to reach a place where my mental health is relatively stable and to get there, I need to get my medication right. The Venlafaxine has been better than nothing but I’m not convinced by it. I feel like I should be feeling better by now, better than I am. It’s been a FREAKING LONG journey already, which will be worth it when we find the right drug or the right dosage or whatever. But while it’s on going, it’s really wearing me down. It’s easy to think that I should’ve stayed on the Phenelzine but I know it wasn’t really helping me by the end. So, yeah, I want to get to a reasonably good place in the next few months.

WORK ON BEING HEALTHIER – This is vague but it’s such a process and I figure that, as long as I’m trying, I’m achieving this goal. I want to work on drinking more water, swimming more, and so on. I was just starting to get into a really good routine when my mental health took a nosedive and suddenly it was all I could do to get through the day. I’m not sure I’m back to the level of being able to go to the gym but I do feel capable of starting the small changes, like drinking more water. Hopefully, as my mental health improves (as it is starting to, if very slowly) I can work on this more. I’m also aware that my relationship with food isn’t very healthy – again, another casualty of my mental health problems. So I’m throwing that in there too.

BECOME MORE INDEPENDENT – This is something I want to write more about in relation to Autism because it’s really important. For some people, Autism makes is really difficult to be independent and that can be a hard thing to get your head around. I’m constantly beating myself up for not having moved out like all my friends, for not having learnt how to drive, for not having a job. But the cold, hard truth is that, at this moment in time, my Autism does not allow me to be independent. With the meltdowns, fatigue, getting overwhelmed by sensory information, getting overwhelmed by emotions, executive functioning struggles, and so on and so on and so on, it’s just not possible. This goal is deliberately vague because it depends hugely on my mental health and what I feel up to doing (and because I’ve only just really started thinking about it) but by the end of this year, I want to be a bit more independent. That’s a journey that I will definitely document.

READ MORE BOOKS – I cannot remember the last time I read a book (that wasn’t for college/university). I think a big part of that comes from my mental health struggles. My concentration has been absolutely terrible so I haven’t really felt able to get into a book but I’ve also felt quite alienated by the books I’ve tried to read. So, so many books are about relationships, about finding ‘the one’ (this seems to be especially true of the Young Adult genre – even when the main storyline is about something different – which is what I was searching through when I last tried to find something to read), and I’m just not interested in that. I don’t want my whole life to revolve around my mental illness but as for my life right now, it really does. That’s fine; it won’t be like that forever. But that means that, right now, I want to read about people like me, people struggling with their mental health, and I just haven’t been able to find much that I connect to. It’s an on going struggle. If you have any suggestions, let me know! This year, provided that my concentration improves as I get my medication right, I want to finish five books. That’s a low goal but I’d rather set a low goal and achieve it than struggle with feeling pressured. I am now part of a book club with my friends and although I haven’t yet been available to go, I’m hoping that that will help with this goal.

IMPROVE MY MUSICAL SKILLS – This is another one from last year, which was again derailed by my mental health. Having no energy and no motivation is a horrible place to be. So my hope is that that will improve (it already has a bit) as well as my concentration and then I will be able to get back to guitar and piano lessons and really improve those skills.

GO THROUGH MY POSSESSIONS – This sounds like a massive job but as I’m moving house this year, I’m going to have to pack everything anyway. I might as well go through it all at the same time. I do really struggle to throw/give things away – I probably fit at least some of the criteria for hoarding disorder – but I’ve been working on this and it feels like the right time. A clean slate and all that.

I’m a big fan of the idea that you can start fresh everyday, or even within days, but I think New Year is a good excuse to get some perspective and create a sense of purpose for yourself. I don’t think New Years Resolutions are useful when they cause anxiety but if you can use them to empower you, I think they can be really helpful. I guess we’ll see how well I do.

2018, I’ll make you a deal: you do your best and I’ll do the same.

2017 in Songs

Since I’m a songwriter first, last, and always, I thought I’d pull together some of my favourite songs this year as a sort of send off for 2017. So here goes, in no particular order:


  1. Sideways by Travis Meadows

I first heard this song last year when I went to Nashville for the first time (but it came out this year and I’ve played it a lot since then). I was there for the Tin Pan South songwriting festival and there were so many shows to go to but someone told me that, out of everybody there, I had to see Travis Meadows. So I did and I was blown away. In my opinion, he’s one of the greatest songwriters out there and I was transfixed by every song, as was everyone else in the room. And when I went back to Nashville this year, I made sure to get to his show. The chorus of this song speaks to me so deeply. You push something down and it comes out in ways you never expected and bitter thoughts do carve highways in the person you’re trying to become.

If I could buy myself a conscience that wasn’t broken 

Mend every fence I drove my hard head through 

Re-lock all the doors I wish I never opened 

Unlearn the things I wish I never knew 

And it came out through the bottle

It came out through my fists

It came out way too early

I wish it never did

 

Push it down, it comes out sideways

Push it down, it comes out sideways

Bitter roads turn into highways

Push it down it comes out sideways


  1. Hurt Any Less by Lauren Aquilina

This is another song that came out last year but I didn’t get around to listening to it until this year. During my teenage years Lauren Aquilina was one of my most listened to artists but that was a really tough time and I wasn’t super eager to jump back into all those associated emotions. I planned to listen to her album eventually; I was just waiting until I felt ready. And then I found out that she was playing a songwriters’ circle at my uni, the same one I was scheduled to play. It felt like the universe was telling me something so I listened to the album and fell in love. It sounds like the whole thing was written about the same person in one evening, to me at least. I love it. I love every song but I really love this one. Just because you’re doing the right thing doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Also, I’m a sucker for half time drums. Since hearing this song for the first time, I’ve met Lauren, played a songwriters’ circle with her, and written a song with her, and she is as lovely as I’d hoped she’d be.

People break each other’s hearts

In their individual ways

You broke mine clean in half

When you let me stay

You made me feel so exposed

Asked for the feelings I held close

And I gave them away

 

I knew this was coming from day one

This was never love, it was chaos

I was right, but I’ve never wanted to be so wrong


  1. Nothin’ New by Kalie Shorr

I loved this song from the moment I heard it. It was the song I didn’t know I needed. Moving on is hard but songs like this one make it easier. Kalie is super sweet and played it for me when I finally made it to a Song Suffragettes’ show in Nashville. That meant a lot to me. I’ve managed to get to a couple of their shows now and they’re all amazing songwriters. I can’t wait to go back.

Sun’s always gonna set in the west

Lipsticks and convertibles look better in red

And the best songs are three chords and the truth

But that ain’t nothin’ new

 

‘Cause ever since the beginning

Since the world started spinning, oh

It’s just a matter of fact

Girls want boys that don’t want them back

I’m just being honest, don’t matter what you call it, oh

The sun still shines, the sky’s still blue

You don’t want me, and I love you

But that ain’t nothin’ new

That ain’t nothin’ new


  1. Second Wind by Maren Morris

I know this song came out last year but it’s been on repeat all year; me and my writing partner listened to this album in so many sessions, for inspiration and just because we love it. I saw her perform three times this year, at Country2Country and twice on her UK tour, and she was absolutely incredible. I even got to meet her and she is so, so lovely. She is one of my favourite songwriters and one of my favourite singers, probably ever. This is a song I listen to when I need a boost and it delivers every time.

An airplane’s only paper ’til it finds a breeze

But don’t you know that it’s the low that makes the high so sweet?

When they try to break, break, break you

That’s when you get your break, break, breakthrough

 

You can’t forget about me

While you weren’t lookin’ I was gettin’ even higher

Say what you want about me

Your words are gasoline on my fire

You can hate me, underestimate me

Do what you do cause what you do don’t phase me

Just when you think I’m at the end

Any second I’ma catch my second wind


  1. This Town Still Talks About You by Natalie Hemby

When Natalie announced she was releasing an album, I literally shrieked. I was so excited and the album exceeded all my expectations. It reminds me of hazy summers and nostalgia and Nashville. I was listening to it as I flew in when I went back in March and it’s now forever tied to those memories. I got to see her play a songwriters’ round while I was there and she played this song. I also got to meet her afterwards; she signed my songwriting book and I got to tell her that she is one of the songwriters I most want to write with one day. I’m heading back to Nashville in March… A girl can dream.

Oh, this town still talks about you

Like you never left

Hidden sounds in cracked sidewalks and the church pews

How could we forget?

You were so loved, you were one of our own

And it’s never been the same since you’ve been gone

Oh, this town still talks about you


  1. Devil In Me by Halsey

I loved the Badlands album so I was so excited for Hopeless Fountain Kingdom. It took me a while to get into the latter but I think that’s because there’s just so much in it; I was completely overwhelmed to start with. I think it’s the kind of album that you have to immerse yourself in to get the best listening experience. I love the rawness of the emotion in this song and some of the lyrics cut so deep. Because the production is so layered and so all encompassing in many of her songs, I think that people sometimes forget or get distracted from what a great songwriter she is; even the songs that I would call my least favourites on the album – emotionally, stylistically, whatever – still have my songwriter brain going, “That’s so cool! That’s so clever!” I love the way she uses little details to create such vivid pictures.

You said I’m

Too much to handle

You said I

Shine too bright

I burnt the candle

Flew too high

 

Gotta wake up, gotta wake up

Gotta wake up, gotta wake up

Gotta wake up, come back to life

Gotta wake up, gotta wake up

Gotta wake up, gotta wake up

Gotta wake up, come back to life


  1. Someone You Couldn’t Love by Charlotte Black

Charlotte is one of my very best friends in the world and she’s an awesome singersongwriter so there was no way I wouldn’t include one of her songs in this list. She’s released two singles this year and there’s another one in the works but this one holds special memories for me. I remember sitting in her room in Nashville, listening to her talk about this song idea she’d had, hearing the first draft in class, and then counting down the minutes to its release with her. It’s my favourite of hers because I relate to it so strongly, to the confusion and distress when someone abandons you without explanation. But it’s also about taking back the power and moving forward, bravely and deliberately. Since this song’s release, I’ve been more involved with her project, writing bits and pieces for her press releases and I feel so honoured and grateful to be on this journey with her.

He’s tired of my blue eyes and the chase

I became a fierce sea in his place

I’m thunder, he was the rain

I hold onto my heart as it aches

Warm up from the chill he creates

There’s more to me than this pain

 

People play pretend, they change

Their minds, we’re all the same

I didn’t plan on this, it’s fine, just go

 

Did I become someone you couldn’t love

Did I become something you couldn’t love

Couldn’t love, couldn’t love

Couldn’t love, couldn’t love, oh

Is there a part of me that was not enough

A part you found, a part that you couldn’t love

Couldn’t love, couldn’t love

Couldn’t love, couldn’t love, oh


  1. She Used To Be Mine by Sara Bareilles

 Another ‘old’ one but I couldn’t leave this one out. This year, I hit the lowest point I’ve ever been and for a while, I was so depressed that I couldn’t listen to music. I’ve only had that experience a couple of times but it’s always excruciating. But when I start to come out of it, Sara Bareilles is my go to, especially this song. It sounds as fragile as I feel but it has the hope that I need to keep going. Many of Sara’s songs have marked important moments in my life, both good and bad, and I’m grateful for that (one of the best moments of my life was when she dedicated her song ‘Uncharted’ to me during a show). She is one of my all time favourite singers, one of my all time songwriters, and I’m endlessly inspired by her.

She’s imperfect but she tries

She is good but she lies

She is hard on herself

She is broken and won’t ask for help

She is messy but she’s kind

She is lonely most of the time

She is all of this mixed up

And baked in a beautiful pie

She is gone but she used to be mine

 

It’s not what I asked for

Sometimes life just slips in through a back door

And carves out a person

And makes you believe it’s all true

And now I’ve got you

And you’re not what I asked for

If I’m honest I know I would give it all back

For a chance to start over

And rewrite an ending or two

For the girl that I knew


  1. Broken Glass by Rachel Platten

I’ve loved Rachel Platten since ‘Fight Song’ so I was very excited for her to release more music (although I don’t think anything could beat out ‘Fight Song’ for the number one spot). When this song came out, I listened to it all the time, especially when I had to do something that made me anxious. It gave me a boost emotionally and made me feel invincible, much like ‘Fight Song’ did when I first heard it. I love the confidence and the surety in this song. Although ‘Fight Song’ had a similarly empowering message, something about it sounded like it had something to prove. ‘Broken Glass’ has moved on from that; this song doesn’t need to prove anything and I love that.

So I bet on me and my own heartbeat

When all the odds are piling

Like bricks around my feet

You know, you know it’s more than

More than just for me

You know it’s worth it

I still believe, yeah

 

I’m gonna dance on broken glass, on broken glass

And I’m gonna make that ceiling crash, that ceiling crash

So what? Still got knives in my back

So what? So I’m tied to the tracks

I’m gonna dance on broken glass

And here I go, ya here I go

Yeah here I go, here I go

And here I go, here I go


  1. Legends by Kelsea Ballerini

I get major songwriting envy when it comes to Kelsea Ballerini. I know that we all have different styles but damn, I wish I could write like her. I swear she manages to fit more words into a song than anyone else and that makes for a beautifully detailed world in every song. I love this one for its sense of acceptance, for its pure you-and-me-against-the-world-ness. I also love the way it blends pop and country together. I think there’s something really special about the way country writers write pop songs.

We were golden, we were fire, we were magic

Yeah, and they all knew our names all over town

We had it made in the middle of the madness

We were neon in a grey crowd

Yeah, we wrote our own story

Full of blood, sweat, and heartbeats

We didn’t do it for the fame or the glory

But we went down in history

 

Yeah, we were legends

Loving you baby, it was heaven

What everyone wondered, we never questioned

Closed our eyes and took on the world together

Do you remember?

We were crazy, tragic and epic, and so amazing

I’ll always wear the crown that you gave me

We will always stay lost in forever, and they’ll remember

We were legends


  1. Getaway Car by Taylor Swift

Of course there was going to be a Taylor song on this list. Taylor Swift is one of my all time favourite people. I was beyond excited for the new album and I fell in love with this song from the first listen. It’s like a full-length movie fitted into four minutes; the detail is exquisite. I love the journey, the emotion, the energy. It reminds me of ‘Out of the Woods’ from the 1989 album. I think it’s one of her best songs from a songwriting perspective and every time I listen to it, I hear more layers, both in the production and in the lyrics. I want to write a song that complex and cohesive one day. I also love the ‘Making of a Song’ video for this song because that’s how I write songs. I love how excited she gets when they finish writing the bridge; I’m exactly the same.

It was the great escape, the prison break

The light of freedom on my face

But you weren’t thinking

And I was just drinking

Well, he was running after us, I was screaming, ‘Go, go, go!’

But with three of us, honey, it’s a sideshow

And a circus ain’t a love story

And now we’re both sorry (we’re both sorry)

 

X marks the spot, where we fell apart

He poisoned the well, every man for himself

I knew it from the first old fashioned, we were cursed

It hit you like a shotgun shot to the heart

 

You were driving the getaway car

We were flying, but we’d never get far

Don’t pretend it’s such a mystery

Think about the place where you first met me

We’re riding in a getaway car

There were sirens in the beat of your heart

Should’ve known I’d be the first to leave

Think about the place where you first met me

In a getaway car

No, they never get far

No, nothing good starts in a getaway car


  1. Spring Will Come by NADINE

Not from this year but I only discovered it recently. I know Nadine from university and I love her music but this one is really special. I feel like it’s talking directly to me and encouraging me forward, and I know I’m not the only one who feels that way. When I listen to it, especially when I’m in the fragile place I am at the moment, it gives me hope and makes me feel like I will get through all the hard stuff. It reminds me to trust myself and I’ve really needed that.

You’ve wasted hours

Knocking on iron doors

Maintained your head and heart

You know, he can’t be yours now

 

Now run, my soul

From regrets too old

Be strong, be bold

Let new ways unfold

 

Now your cheeks turn back to colour

As you’re blinking in the sun

In time you will recover

I can see new life’s begun

Spring will come


There are so many songs I wanted to put on this list but if I wrote about all of them, we’d still be here at the end of 2018. So I’ll stop. But this has been really fun. I hope you enjoyed it too. What were your songs of 2017?

Some of the Little Things

I was looking back through the blog and I realised that you guys are getting all these big things in my life without really knowing much about me. I struggle with all things identity (which is a big thing for people with BPD) but I’m trying. I’m trying to figure myself out. I know little things, like favourite films and TV shows or whatever, but when it comes to who I am as a person, I feel very unsure. I’ll write more about that at some point but, for the moment, here are some of the little things:

  • I don’t drink tea or coffee.
  • My favourite books are The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, Finding Home by Cecilia Knapp (although that was a show first), The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, Sounds Like Me by Sara Bareilles, and the Tomorrow When The War Began series by John Marsden. Oh, and I really enjoyed Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert.
  • When I was twelve, I wrote a twenty thousand word story. It’s still on the hard drive of my computer.
  • I play guitar and piano, not super well but enough to write and accompany myself.
  • I love strawberry milkshakes.
  • My favourite colour totally depends on my mood but I will probably always love blue the most.
  • As a kid, I was obsessed with history, especially Ancient Egypt.
  • I really want to see the Northern Lights.
  • One of my all time favourite songs is ‘Wish You Were Here’ by Pink Floyd.
  • My favourite place in the UK is Norfolk and my favourite place outside the UK is Nashville, but I also loved Australia and New Zealand.
  • My favourite subjects at school were Maths, History, and Psychology.
  • I love Harry Potter and it was a huge part of my childhood. I read the last book in less than two days. My favourite book is Order of the Phoenix and my favourite film is probably Prisoner of Azkaban or Half Blood Prince. And whenever I had exams, I’d put them on in the background while I was revising. When I first signed up to Pottermore, I was sorted into Ravenclaw but I forgot the password and it was an old email address so I had to sign up again and I was sorted into Slytherin. And when I took an online quiz, it said I was equally all the houses so who knows.
  • Puns are my favourite type of humour.
  • I’ve never broken a bone, although I have cracked a rib.
  • My favourite movies are Cloud Atlas, Tomorrow When The War Began, I Robot, Nausicaa, and The Fault in Our Stars. And Arrival.
  • I love swimming.
  • I don’t think I’ve ever been in love but I have had my heart broken.
  • I’m fascinated by space and the universe.
  • I’m a big TV show person and I love Agents of Shield, Supergirl, Criminal Minds, Reign, Scott and Bailey, Fringe, Orphan Black, Nikita, Sanctuary, Stargate SG-1, Law and Order SVU, and Stalker. I have also enjoyed Doctor Who, Torchwood, Spooks, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, and Glee.
  • I love the musical Wicked and my favourite Elphaba is Willemijn Verkaik.
  • I’m terrified of going to the dentist.
  • I’ve always loved animals and my dog and cat make me so, so happy.
  • I have a degree in Songwriting.
  • I was born in London.
  • Amanda Tapping is my hero and I’ve been lucky enough to meet her. She is the loveliest human being alive.
  • I listen to a lot of different music but my absolute favourites are Taylor Swift, Sara Bareilles, Against Me!, Halsey, OneRepublic, Maren Morris, Lauren Aquilina, and Natalie Hemby. There are lots more but that could take a while.

So now you know a bit more about me. Hopefully this gives a little context to all the other stuff I post.