My Nashville Playlist (2022)

From Brighton to Boston to Nashville and then back to Brighton, I was listening to a lot of music and like on previous trips, I enjoyed keeping notes of which songs I was listening to. These are all songs that were prominent during my trip, songs that I will probably always connect back to this trip. I didn’t necessarily have a song for every single day but given that I was away for just over two weeks, I figured that this was a perfectly decent number of songs for a playlist.


‘I Wanna Get Better’ by Bleachers

The reason we stopped in Boston on the way to Nashville was so that I could finally see Bleachers live and see them play the Strange Desire album from start to finish, an album that means so much to me. I could’ve chosen ‘Like a River Runs’ because that song is tied with this one as my favourite Bleachers song but the energy of the crowd during this song took my breath away. It was amazing.

Favourite Lyrics: “Woke up this morning early before my family / From this dream where she was trying to show me / How a life can move from the darkness / She said to get better // So I put a bullet where I shoulda put a helmet / And I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away / That’s why I’m standing on the overpass screaming at myself / ‘Hey, I wanna get better!’ // I didn’t know I was lonely ’til i saw your face / I wanna get better, better, better, better / I wanna get better / I didn’t know I was broken ’til i wanted to change / I wanna get better, better, better, better / I wanna get better”

WARNING: FLASHING LIGHTS!


‘Humble Quest’ by Maren Morris

Maren Morris’ new album came out the day I flew into Nashville and so I listened to it as I flew back into town. While I love a lot of the songs, ‘Humble Quest’ stood out to me straight away and it was stuck in my head for days afterwards. I really related to it although I’m not sure what part of me it’s speaking to. But the lyrics “And damn I do my best / Not gonna hold my breath / ‘Cause I still haven’t found it yet / No, I still haven’t found it yet” just resonate really strongly. And it’s catchy as hell.

Favourite Lyrics: “Haven’t looked up in a while / Been biting my tongue behind a smile / Falling on swords that I can’t see / Poison my well on the daily / Got easier not to ask / Just kept hitting my head on the glass / I was so nice till I woke up / I was polite till I spoke up // I’m on a humble quest / And damn I do my best / Not gonna hold my breath / ‘Cause I still haven’t found it yet / No, I still haven’t found it yet”


‘Circles Around This Town’ by Maren Morris

While I was in Nashville (and still recovering from the flights, the jet lag, and the Bleachers concert), Maren Morris’ Amazon Prime show was streamed from New York and I was able to watch it. I really, really enjoyed it and I could’ve chosen so many different songs but ‘Circles Around This Town’ just felt like the right choice. It’s the first single from the new album and the first song she played for this show. I wasn’t sure about it when she first released it but it’s grown on me so much since then, so much since the album came out. It’s so her and yet so easy to connect to.

Favourite Lyrics: “So many times I thought about leaving / Got my ass kicked trying to compete with / Everybody else’s ones that got away / Hung around long enough to catch a break // Couple hundred songs and the ones that finally worked / Was the one about a car and the one about a church / That I wrote // Driving circles around this town / Trying to write circles around this town / Trying to say something with meaning, something worth singing about / I’ve been kind and I’ve been ruthless / Yeah, I got here but the truth is / Thought when I hit it, it’d all look different / But I still got the pedal down / Driving circles around this town / Driving circles around this town”


‘Eighteen’ by Kalie Shorr

Kalie is one of my favourite artists and songwriters and this one is gut-wrenching. It’s beautifully written and while I literally can’t name my favourite songs of hers because I love so many of them, this is one of the ones that I love a lot. I’d never heard it live though – up to this point anyway – but she played it at the Song Suffragettes 8th Anniversary show, which was my first show back in Nashville. That was particularly sweet: because of the pandemic, I haven’t seen Kalie live since she released her debut album, Open Book, which is one of my favourite albums ever so it was very special to hear a song from the album now that I’m finally back in the US and able to see her perform.

Favourite Lyrics: “Which one did you fuck harder my best friend or my self esteem / Remember when you got drunk and said you were the only one dumb enough to love me / I don’t want to live just following your script / The actress is too young and the director is a narcissist” AND “I see you out with younger versions of me / While I’m trying to find who I used to be / I’m terrified that you and I will always be chasing eighteen // This isn’t normal, this isn’t okay / But I didn’t know any better, so I thought it’d be better to stay / Almost beautiful, the things that you taught me / I think I really loved you, I think you really loved that I was / Eighteen”


‘abcdefu’ by GAYLE (Performed by Song Suffragettes – Mia Morris, Ava Paige, Autumn Nicholas, Kalie Shorr, Ava Suppelsa, and Lanie Gardner)

This was one of the songs the Song Suffragettes covered during their anniversary show and it just got stuck in my head. It’s such a mood, both in the context of a break up and when you’re just pissed off: just fuck everybody and all of the stupid things about them that irritate you. The dog is spared though, which just cracks me up. It’s so catchy and my brain was just switching back and forth between this song and ‘Humble Quest’ by Maren Morris.

Favourite Lyrics: “Dated a girl that I hate for the attention / She only made it two days, what a connection / It’s like you’d do anything for my affection / You’re goin’ all about it in the worst ways // I was into you, but I’m over it now / And I was tryin’ to be nice / But nothing’s getting through, so let me spell it out // ABCDE FU / And your mom and your sister and your job / And your broke-ass car and that shit you call art / Fuck you and your friends that I’ll never see again / Everybody but your dog, you can all fuck off / Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah / ABCDE FU”


‘half of my hometown’ by  Kelsea Ballerini (Performed by Kelsea Ballerini and Nicolle Galyon)

Kelsea Ballerini was being honoured at the Song Suffragettes show (the same one Kalie was playing at) and after an interview with Nicolle Galyon (who is also very awesome), the two of them played a couple of the songs they’ve written together that Kelsea’s released. That was very cool and ‘half of my hometown’ is one of my favourite songs on Kelsea’s latest album so it was very cool to hear her sing it live. I love the detail in the lyrics that is so specific to her and yet it’s such a relatable feeling.

Favourite Lyrics: “Back roads raise us / Highways take us / Memories make us wanna go back // To our hometown, settle down / Talk about that one touchdown / Raise some kids in red and black / Go Bobcats, while the other half / Of my hometown was in the crowd / They knew the words, they sang them loud / And all I wanna do is make them proud / ‘Cause half of me will always be / From Knoxville, Tennessee / My hometown / ‘Cause I’m half of my hometown”


‘Small Town Hypocrite’ by Caylee Hammack

I first saw Caylee Hammack in 2017 – at a Tin Pan South show – and she actually played this song. Now, at my first Tin Pan South show of 2022 – my first in three years – she played it again and I was just so happy to be seeing her perform again (another thing that was taken away by the pandemic). In that time, she’s put out an album that I love and is working on her music, some of which she played during the show. She has an incredible voice, which only amplifies the emotion in the song. I also got to have a conversation with her and she’s such a sweetheart. It was, all in all, an excellent start to the festival.

Favourite Lyrics: “And that scholarship was a ship that sailed / When I chose you and daddy gave me hell / I made myself into someone else just to love you, damn, I loved you / Took all my plans and I put ’em in a box / Phantom pains for the wings I lost / Had me circling rings in the catalogs / For seven years and you never got the hint / Ain’t that some shit / I’m just a small-town hypocrite // Swore we’d be running, running, running this town / But you’re just running, running, running around / And I’m staring at a picket fence / Wondering where the hell time went / I should’ve been running, running, running by now / But I just hang around”


‘My First Last Name’ by Madison Kozak 

I could’ve chosen any of the songs Madison Kozak played during her Tin Pan South show because I loved all of them but this one has always been special to me. I’ll never get to have a relationship like this with my Dad but it’s nice to imagine. It makes me super emotional but not in a negative way – or at least, not in a wholly negative way. It does make me sad but I’m grateful for the song. It reminds me of my Dad and the good parts of our relationship. It’s a beautifully written song and I can’t wait to hear the other songs she played that she’s planning to release soon.

Favourite Lyrics: “Yeah, he set the bar real high / But I met a real good guy / Still not much of a crier / Till we’re halfway down the aisle // He’s the son of the salesman / Short glass, old fashioned / ‘How are things going lately?’ / ‘Stop on by, bring the baby’ / People they say, I’m more like him everyday / He can give me away, but no one can take / My first last name”


‘i quit drinking’ by Kelsea Ballerini and LANY (Written by Kelsea Ballerini, Paul Jason Klein, and Nicolle Galyon) (Performed by Nicolle Gaylon)

I love Nicolle Galyon’s songwriting and she has a gorgeous singing voice; she makes all of these iconic songs her own and I love that she’s created a label to specifically support women. She’s just awesome and, again, I could’ve chosen any of the songs that she played. This particular festival slot was a hard one because there were multiple great shows on at that time but I’m really happy I chose this one. I also got to talk to her briefly after the show and she was really lovely. I still feel like I’m getting my feet under me socially, after so long with little in person socialisation (and so I feel very awkward still), but talking about music and songwriting is my favourite thing so that does make it easier.

Favourite Lyrics: “We used to be / Dizzy all morning / Hungover, pouring / Cups of coffee black / Kiss and crawl right back / Under the covers / Down for another / Hour in that bed / Now, I’m here instead // Waking up sober, it feels kind of nice / Except that I can’t sleep at night // You’re the reason there’s no whiskey  anywhere inside this house / You’re the reason all my friends know I don’t go downtown / You’re the reason I hate champagne, never used to turn it down / You’re the only thing I want when one drop hits my mouth / Baby, you’re the reason / I quit drinking // I quit thinking (I quit thinking) / Staring at the ceiling (Oh) / And all my cabernet is down the kitchen sink, yeah (It’s down the kitchen sink, yeah) / I quit mixing (I quit mixing) / All my drinks and feelings / It’s not fixing that you’re gone”


‘Doin’ Fine’ by Lauren Alaina (Performed by Emily Shackelton)

I still remember the first time I heard Emily Shackelton play this song at a Tin Pan South round and how it just hit me; like, the autobiographical details are clearly not mine but the message of the song has been so applicable to me so many times throughout my life and here we are again and it’s still true. There was a new level of poignancy in the performance of this song though as it was written with busbee who is no longer with us – he died late 2019 – and this is the first Tin Pan South since then. Emily dedicated it to him and from what I’ve heard, he was an amazing person. I’m sorry that I never got to meet him.

Favourite Lyrics: “I’m doin’ fine enough to know that everyone’s a little broken / Fine enough to learn that hearts are best when they’re wide open / I still got fear inside of me / I’m not okay, but I’m gonna be alright / Oh, for the first time in a long, long time I’m doin’ fine / I’m doin’ fine”


‘Where Would You Rather Die?’ by Kalie Shorr

I could’ve easily chosen any and all of the songs she performed (and I have chosen two from the round because I love her songs so much) but this was the only one that was completely new to me and it just blew me away. She paints such vivid portraits with her lyrics and the fact that it was based on a real experience (although it obviously did not involve actually dying) makes it even more enjoyable. I would love a music video for this song because it’s just such a wild story.

Favourite Lyrics: THE WHOLE DAMN SONG.


‘The World Keeps Spinning’ by Kalie Shorr

This song gets me every time. Kalie has been open about the inspiring of the song, that it’s about her older sister’s death and while the details are specific to her life, I think it’s very easy to relate to if you’ve lost anyone, especially if they died suddenly. I relate it to my Dad. It makes me well up every time – or full on sob if I’m feeling particularly emotional – because it’s so beautifully written and gets right to the heart of grief. As sad as it is, it’s one of my favourite Kalie songs.

Favourite Lyrics: “The 5th of January is on the calendar every year / Like some kind of messed up holiday to remind me that you’re not here / I hear people laughing, I don’t get the joke / But I can’t hold it against them, cause it’s not like they know // It was just another day, until it wasn’t // The sky / Didn’t even have the decency to cry / And that damn sun still found a way to shine / When the heartache’s hitting / I think it’s kind of cruel that the world keeps spinning”


‘Crowded Table’ by The Highwomen (Performed by Natalie Hemby)

I love Natalie Hemby and she’s always the first person I look for in the Tin Pan South line-up. She’s a fantastic writer, as well as an utterly hilarious and genuinely lovely person. This song kind of reminds me of growing up: my house was always busy and there was always a lot of people around. We were a big, tight knit family (we’re still close but we’re all a bit more spread out now so getting together is harder) and we often congregated around the table at meal times. So, when I listen to it, it reminds me of that. Hearing it live was very cool and the fact that she gave me a shout out before playing this song (in front of the amazing songwriters on stage and the whole show’s audience) just makes me love this song even more; it symbolises a very special memory.

Favourite Lyrics: “The door is always open / Your picture’s on my wall / Everyone’s a little broken / And everyone belongs / Yeah, everyone belongs // I want a house with a crowded table / And a place by the fire for everyone / Let us take on the world while we’re young and able / And bring us back together when the day is done”


‘What Hurts The Most’ by Rascal Flatts (Performed by Jeffrey Steele)

Somewhat hilariously, the first version of this song that I heard – in my Dad’s car – was the more dance/club version. I have no idea why my Dad had it on a CD but hearing it still brings back fond memories. Hearing the country version for the first time was a bit of a surprise but given the memories of my Dad, I have a soft spot for it and hearing Jeffrey Steele perform it was incredible. He’s an amazing singer and an amazing guitarist; it was a bit like the musical equivalent of a religious experience.

Favourite Lyrics: “It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go / But I’m doing it / It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends / And I’m alone // Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret / But I know if I could do it over / I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart / That I left unspoken // What hurts the most / Is being so close / And having so much to say (much to say) / And watching you walk away / And never knowing / What could’ve been / And not seeing that love in you / Is what I was trying to do”


‘right where you left me’ by Taylor Swift

I was listening to evermore quite a bit, given that it was nominated for Album of the Year at the Grammys. It might not have won but it’s still an amazing album and I love it so much. ‘right where you left me’ is such a fascinating song: so specific and yet so relatable; so beautifully written, with some really cool techniques. I wrote about it in my full evermore post. I love it and it’s been stuck in my head on and off during my trip.

Favourite Lyrics: “Help, I’m still at the restaurant / Still sitting in a corner I haunt / Cross-legged in the dim light / They say, ‘What a sad sight’ / I, I swear you could hear a hair pin drop / Right when I felt the moment stop / Glass shattered on the white cloth / Everybody moved on / I, I stayed there / Dust collected on my pinned-up hair / They expected me to find somewhere / Some perspective, but I sat and stared / Right where you left me / You left me no, oh, you left me no / You left me no choice but to stay here forever” AND “Help, I’m still at the restaurant / Still sitting in a corner I haunt / Cross-legged in the dim light / They say, ‘What a sad sight’ / I, I stayed there / Dust collected on my pinned-up hair / I’m sure that you got a wife out there / Kids and Christmas, but I’m unaware / ‘Cause I’m right where / I cause no harm, mind my business / If our love died young, I can’t bear witness / And it’s been so long / But if you ever think you got it wrong / I’m right where you left me / You left me no, oh, you left me no / You left me no choice but to stay here forever”


‘HEARTFIRST’ by Kelsea Ballerini

I’ve very used to the first singles of a new chapter not landing well with me – with basically all artists – so I was very pleasantly surprised when I loved this song straight away. It’s fun, it’s adorable, and it’s so feel good. It’s so uplifting and joyful. The imagery is gorgeous and while it’s obviously about a romantic relationship, the broader idea of jumping into every thing heart first is very relatable to me.

Favourite Lyrics: “I couldn’t wait till later, talking in the elevator / Then we’re kissing in the back of the car” AND “Could be forever or we might break / That’s just the kind of risk that we take / My head is yelling that I could get hurt / But I’m gonna jump right in / Baby, with my heartfirst” AND “And I can’t even stop myself anymore / Oh, we couldn’t end the perfect night outside my front door”


So here is my Nashville 2022 playlist. There were definitely more songs I could’ve included but I tried to keep some sort of constraint on myself, otherwise this probably could’ve gone on forever. There were just so many songs to choose from, practically every day. Anyway. A musical post for a very musical trip.

National Album Day 2021

Today is National Album Day and this annual blog post is one of my very favourites to write. Over the year – since National Album Day last year – I’ve written about my favourite albums or the albums that have given me a lot to think about. Albums are so important to me – both as a listener and as a singersongwriter – and once I get lost in the world of an album, that world just gets bigger and bigger. I find more and more layers, more and more things to think and talk about.

This year, the day has a theme and that theme is celebrating women. Most of the albums I’ve written about in this post are the works of women but there are a few albums written and recorded by men, partly because I started writing this post before I knew that there would even be a theme and partly because I really wanted to talk about their work – as I said, I get very excited and enthusiastic about songwriting and albums and music. These posts just get longer and longer as I listen to more music, as I learn more about music and songwriting and what goes into each album. Sometimes my enthusiasm just gets away from me and suddenly I’ve written an essay where I meant to write a paragraph…


Apart Together by Tim Minchin (November 2020) – I was very curious about what this album would be like, given that 99% of what I’ve heard of his has been comedy. But one of the things that makes this album so fascinating and so clever is how he incorporates humour into the songs: through wickedly funny lyrics in the middle of otherwise serious songs, like, “And wake up in four hours or so / Soaked in relief to find I am alone / With the wrappers of Pringles and Snickers / For which to atone” in ‘I’ll Take Lonely Tonight,’ a song about staying committed even when you’re lonely (or as Minchin himself says, “trying not to have sex with other people,” in his typical irreverent style); through exploring pretty profound emotions but in fairly ridiculous scenarios, such as the plane crash he sings about in ‘If This Plane Goes Down’ where he examines the shallow and the deep parts of himself (“If this plane goes down / Remember me as someone who tried / To find a balance between self-loathing and pride / Dug too hard for love at times,” for example); and via wry, self-deprecating self-reflection throughout ‘Talked Too Much, Stayed Too Long,’ where he sings about where he’s come from and where he thinks he’s headed, but always coming to the conclusion that he’ll ultimately be known for his tendency to ‘talk too much and stay too long.’ This mix of humour and depth makes the album very unique, in my music library at least; I think it’s a hard skill to master. And he has such a unique voice as a writer that, even when he abandons all humour and leans deeply and sincerely into raw emotion, as he does in the final track, ‘Carry You,’ the lyrics are absolutely identifiable as his. I also felt that the instrumentation and production were both extremely cohesive with each song’s lyrics and as an album as a whole. It’s a great album and I can’t wait to hear him perform some of them when I see him live in a few weeks.

Favourite Tracks: ‘Absence of You,’ ‘I Can’t Save You,’ ‘Talked Too Much, Stayed Too Long,’ ‘Leaving LA,’ ‘I’ll Take Lonely Tonight,’ ‘If This Plane Goes Down,’ and ‘Carry You.’

Open Book: Unabridged by Kalie Shorr (December 2020) – I was really surprised when I saw that I hadn’t included the original version of Open Book in last year’s National Album Day post when it’s one of my favourite albums ever, but then I realised that I’d written about it in my post about my favourite albums of the 2010s. I’m also in the middle of writing a post about the whole album, like I did with folklore (although hopefully not quite as long as that one turned out to be). So, that being said, I’ll leave you to read my previous post and await my upcoming post. However, I do want to briefly talk about the tracks that were added to the album for the Unabridged edition: ‘My Voice,’ ‘Eighteen,’ ‘Out of It,’ and ‘Lying To Myself.’ I love all four of these songs and I love how they all bring something different to the album.

‘My Voice’ is full of defiance and self-empowerment, a call to be yourself in an industry that’s constantly trying to make you into something else. If there’s such a thing as a ‘Kalie Shorr lyric,’ then “The only time I’m gonna be boxed in / Is when I’m six feet under in a coffin” is most definitely one. ‘Eighteen’ is heartbreakingly vulnerable (the bridge in particular – “I see you out with younger versions of me / While I’m trying to find who I used to be / I’m terrified that you and I will always be / Chasing eighteen” – gets me every time) and it almost always brings a lump to my throat: I can’t help but think of my own messy relationship and break up from around that age. ‘Out of It’ echoes back to the Awake EP and its title track but this time, Kalie isn’t getting sucked back in to her ex’s drama and it was so cool to see that growth. That’s something I love about songwriters who write autobiographically (for the most part at least): as a listener, you get to see then grow in so many ways, as a writer, as an artist, and as a person. And that feels like a real privilege. And finally, there’s ‘Lying to Myself,’ which questions a past relationship and whether it (and everything that came with it) was ever real, simply and perfectly summed up with the chorus line of “Wеre you lying to me or was I lying to myself?” They’re all stunning lyrically but this one has truly gorgeous descriptions, like “I pickеd out all my favourite things you said / Then like a delusional architect / I built you up like a house of cards” and the evolution of “And I helped you up on that pedestal / Damn, you looked incredible” into “You liked it up on that pedestal / ‘Cause damn, you looked incredible” (goddamn, if that doesn’t take the wind out of me every time I hear it – she could be describing my own relationship). The production of these songs fits in beautifully with the production of the original album songs but there was also something… more about them. Now that her next project is out, I feel like you can hear how those songs were trying to reach for that sound even though they stayed inside the sonic universe of Open Book.

The one thing that I’m not sure about – even now – is how the tracks are inserted throughout the original tracklist. I felt like that original tracklist was so perfect that adding the other songs into that was a bit jarring for me. But having said that, I’m not sure that having all four of them at the end would’ve been the right approach either so I’m not sure what the right thing would’ve been. I think it’s a really interesting way of doing an album re-release or deluxe edition; I think it’s just something that’s stuck with me because I thought the tracklist for the original version of the album was just so good.

Since I haven’t had the opportunity to specify which of the songs on the album are my favourites, I couldn’t help myself and included all of my favourites, even though I’ve only talked about the added ones.

Favourite Tracks: ‘My Voice,’ ‘Messy,’ ‘The One,’ ‘F U Forever,’ ‘Alice in Wonderland,’ ‘Eighteen,’ ‘The World Keeps Spinning,’ ‘Big Houses,’ ‘Out of It,’ ‘Gatsby,’ ‘Lying To Myself,’ ‘Vices,’ ‘Lullaby,’ and ‘Angry Butterfly.’

evermore by Taylor Swift (December 2020) – This album obviously came as a complete surprise given that folklore (a pretty massive surprise in itself) had only been out about six months and describing it as folklore‘s sister album feels very fitting. And it definitely felt like a winter album somehow, in my opinion at least. I read one review that said while folklore is the better album, the strong songs on evermore are stronger and I think, in general, that holds true; folklore is definitely more cohesive but there are more songs that I love on evermore. But then evermore is a lot more experimental: less common time signatures (like in ‘tolerate it’ and ‘closure’), less common song structures (‘ivy,’ and ‘marjorie,’ for example), less conventional production choices (such as the very different sections within ‘gold rush,’ the choice to include a sample of her grandmother’s singing on ‘marjorie,’ and the percussion in ‘closure’), and so on. Some of these choices I really liked and some of them kind of knocked me out of the song because they felt jarring. But then that’s bound to happen when an artist starts exploring new territory.

While I think I’m still adjusting to these fictional songs, I loved the stories Taylor was telling: the heartbreakingly refused proposal and all of the history that led to that moment in ‘champagne problems,’ avenging a murdered friend and getting away with it in ‘no body, no crime (feat. HAIM),’ the complicated process of moving past a relationship in ‘happiness,’ the lessons she learned from her grandmother in ‘marjorie,’ learning to walk away in ‘it’s time to go,’ and so on. They’re all so rich and beautiful and totally absorbing. I still believe, as I did with folklore, that there are personal details and elements and feelings within many of these songs, even if the narratives aren’t true to her own life. Most of us are familiar with feelings of longing (”tis the damn season’), wanting someone you shouldn’t (‘ivy’), the non-linear processing of a broken relationship (‘happiness’), feeling under-appreciated no matter how hard you try to make a person happy (‘tolerate it’), having to make the hard choice (‘champagne problems’), and feeling like you’re in your own little world with someone (‘cowboy like me’). In my mind, exploring these emotions through fictional stories allows Taylor to go deeper into those feelings than she could if people were dissecting them through the lens of her personal life. There are songs that could be interpreted to be about Taylor’s experiences, such as ‘ivy’ and ‘cowboy like me’ being about a special relationship that she’s desperately trying to keep to herself and protect and the possible references to previous relationships in ‘coney island’ (lyrics alluding to moments in her relationships with Jake Gyllenhaal, John Mayer, Harry Styles, and Calvin Harris) but then there are songs that are clearly about her own life, including lyrics that refer explicitly to events we know about or detailing moments she’s talked about in the past: ‘long story short’ reflects on the events of 2016 and finding Joe Alwyn; ‘marjorie’ is, of course, about and a tribute to her grandmother; and there are clear references to Scott Borchetta in ‘it’s time to go.’ But whether truthful, fictional, or a mixture of both, she tells the stories beautifully and the lyrics are stunning.

Favourite Tracks: ‘champagne problems,’ ”tis the damn season,’ ‘tolerate it,’ ‘no body, no crime (feat. HAIM),’ ‘happiness,’ ‘ivy,’ ‘cowboy like me,’ ‘long story short,’ ‘marjorie,’ ‘evermore,’ ‘right where you left me,’ and ‘it’s time to go.’

Crossroads by Roseanna (December 2020) – I love this album and not just because it’s my friend’s debut release (although I love that about it too). Between the beautiful lyrics and catchy melodies, her gorgeous vocals, and the glossy, polished production, I feel wrapped up in this little world she’d created. It kicks my Synesthesia-like responses into high gear: it feels deep purple and some of the songs just shimmer. It reminds me of autumn evenings, heartbeats, and the Northern Lights. I love it and I highly recommend it.

Favourite Tracks: ‘Shell,’ ‘3rd August,’ ‘You,’ and ‘How Does It Feel.’

Fearless (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift (April 2021) – While I was excited for the re-recordings, a part of me was a bit anxious about them too; the idea that it might’ve been a distressing experience (given that it was something she felt she had no choice but to do) was upsetting so I couldn’t feel completely good about it until Taylor herself made it clear that it has, so far, been a really positive and rewarding experience. I’m really, really glad that that’s how she feels about it; I was and am much more excited for them now that I know that she feels that way.

I had a bit of a mixed reaction to this album on first listen. I’m super sensitive to sound (a part-gift-part-curse of my Autism Spectrum Disorder) so, to begin with, all I could hear were the differences. They were tiny differences, yes, but still overwhelming: some of the songs (‘Fearless (Taylor’s Version)’ and ‘You Belong With Me (Taylor’s Version),’ in particular) felt faster even though they weren’t (I counted); the levels of the instruments felt different even though, when I played them one after another, I couldn’t figure out how they were different; I could’ve sworn that there were different emphases in the vocals but, in reality, there didn’t seem to be. The vocals in particular were difficult to process initially: my Synesthesia-like response (I see – and feel – colours, feel textures, and some other sensory stuff that I’m still trying to figure out) to them was very different to my response to the original album vocals and that was quite startling. It was very confusing and for a while I felt like my hearing had gotten all screwed up. It took a few listens before it all started to even out (although I can still hear all of those things). And I can hear differences: as fantastic a job as Taylor does of re-creating her teenage voice, there are still moments when she sounds distinctly adult (I felt like this was actually most prominent in ‘The Best Day (Taylor’s Version)’); some of the instruments have a slightly different sound, or even just tone, to their original counterparts, like the piano in ‘Forever & Always (Piano Version) [Taylor’s Version]’; while ‘You Belong With Me (Taylor’s Version)’ is the same tempo as the original, I noticed that there’s an extra string pluck in the guitar/banjo part, which I think is what makes it sound faster; and I also noticed that there were a few backing vocal changes (I miss the repeat of “silence” in ‘Forever & Always (Taylor’s Version)’ – somewhat disproportionately, I think). I’m not trying to nitpick – I just notice these things and tend to notice them straight away. And now that I’ve had time to listen to it and absorb it, I love it and think it’s incredible (and somewhat surreal) how Taylor and her team have managed to recreate an album so similar to the original, over ten years later. The production is gorgeous and I love sifting through all of the layers that make up each song because so much goes into each track. Her vocals are just lovely and I’ve found myself enjoying songs that I hadn’t liked as much before a lot more because of that. My favourites on each album are actually quite different and given how sensitive my ears are, I think that’s valid because they don’t quite sound the same. But that’s given me the opportunity to love some of the other songs and that’s something I really didn’t expect.

While I do feel it listening to the songs I already know, hearing the ‘new’ songs – the Fearless era songs that we haven’t yet heard (apart from a leaked demo or snippet on YouTube here and there – really reminds me of what an amazing songwriter Taylor always was. It’s easy to say at this point in time but these songs were written when she was between sixteen and eighteen years old (approximately – I believe some of them she wrote even younger). The melodies are so natural and satisfying and her lyric writing was already so sophisticated. Some of the lines are just breathtaking. And there’s something really cool about the production: they absolutely fit into the Fearless sound but they feel more polished somehow, a little glossier. They actually kind of remind of the Red album’s country sound.

So, my first experience of the re-recordings was a bit rocky but I’m hopeful that, now I have some idea of what to expect, the next one (Red (Taylor’s Version), historically my favourite Taylor Swift album – although she does make having a favourite extremely difficult) won’t feel quite so… chaotic, I guess. Hopefully, my first listen will be a lot smoother.

Favourite Tracks: ‘Hey Stephen (Taylor’s Version),’ ‘White Horse (Taylor’s Version),’ ‘Breathe (Taylor’s Version),’ ‘Tell Me Why (Taylor’s Version),’ ‘You’re Not Sorry (Taylor’s Version),’ ‘Forever & Always (Piano Version) [Taylor’s Version],’ ‘The Other Side Of The Door (Taylor’s Version),’ ‘You All Over Me (Taylor’s Version) [From The Vault],’ ‘Mr. Perfectly Fine (Taylor’s Version) [From The Vault],’ ‘We Were Happy (Taylor’s Version) [From The Vault],’ and ‘Bye Bye Baby (Taylor’s Version) [From The Vault].’

Wilds Things by Ladyhawke (June 2016) – I listened through Ladyhawke’s whole discography during my Masters project but this album was my favourite. I was hooked from ‘A Love Song,’ which is still my favourite song on the album. I also loved the production, although I do think the electronic style didn’t quite work for a few of the songs; sometimes it was just perfection and I utterly adored it but, on certain songs, it felt a bit incongruent. The only song I actively didn’t like was ‘Let It Roll’ but I’m pretty sure that that’s because it was in an advert or something that I heard over and over again until pure overexposure made me dislike it. But other than that, I really enjoyed the album. It’s uplifting and energetic and, if nothing else, I’m grateful to the introduction to ‘A Love Song’ because I absolutely adore that song.

Favourite Tracks: ‘A Love Song,’ ‘The River,’ ‘Wild Things,’ ‘Chills,’ and ‘Wonderland.’

And Now, We’re Shining by Sarah Close (March 2020) – The thing that always pulls me right into Sarah Close songs is the catchiness of the melodies. I swear, she could turn the phone book into an earworm. That, and the detail of some of her lyrics, are my favourite things about her music. She’s so good at balancing a more abstract statement, like “If it was me, I’d be kinder” or “Why is everyone trying so hard to be so cool?” with beautifully detailed lyrics that make you feel like you’re right there in that moment, like, “In your car fighting tears on the roadside, remember drives we used to take to nowhere,” “Now you’re backtracking like I’m keys that you forgot,” or “Thursday morning, I’m sat in the window seat, facing the exit ’cause I’m nervous we’re ’bout to meet.” I also love the pop production. It’s not that different to what I’ve been leaning towards so it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s part of why I like it so much, because it’s the way I hear my music too.

Favourite Tracks: ‘If It Was Me,’ ‘You Say,’ ‘Almost,’ and ‘Stay.’

Sour by Olivia Rodrigo (May 2021) – I’ll admit, I find the extreme hype around Olivia Rodrigo and other young artists releasing their first albums kind of tiring: I don’t particularly like having music essentially forced on me by the music industry and/or pop culture. It’s not really about the artist themselves, it’s about the way the world instantly insists that they’re the best thing since sliced bread. So I didn’t listen to Sour for quite a while. I felt kind of overexposed before I’d even heard it so I waited to listen to it until I could listen with an open mind. There were bits I liked: the relatability of ‘brutal’ (I mean, “Where’s my fucking teenage dream?” is painfully real; had I heard it as a teenager, it probably would’ve hit me like a fucking train); the rawness of ‘traitor,’ evident in the lyrics, vocals, and production; how much she swears; ‘good 4 u’ is an absolute jam (and the “goddamn sociopath” lyric is such a ruthless shot to the jugular, which I just love); some of the details in the lyrics are beautifully real; ‘jealousy, jealousy’ is super powerful and probably even more so for listeners younger than me; and the harmonies are just gorgeous. But there were, of course, some things I didn’t like, mostly stylistic: the production could be awesome but there were several occasions where I thought it sounded kind of muddy, like in ‘brutal’ for example; her songwriting style is consistently super wordy even in the softer songs, which I found a bit exhausting after a while; and she has a tendency to do what a songwriting tutor of mine calls ‘Yoda-lyrics,’ where the writer twists a lyric to make it fit, like “your apathy’s like a wound in salt” from ‘good 4 u’ (the non-Yoda-lyric being “your apathy’s like salt in the wound”). So, yeah, mixed feelings but I like it for the most part.

Favourite Tracks: ‘traitor,’ ‘1 step forward, 3 steps back,’ ‘good 4 u,’ ‘enough for you,’ ‘favorite crime,’ and ‘hope ur ok.’

Evolve by Imagine Dragons (June 2017) – I hadn’t listened to Imagine Dragons for a while; somehow they just fell off my playlist. But then, when I was looking through Agents of Shield fan videos earlier in the year – I was trying to write a song from Daisy Johnson’s point of view and was trying to get a sense of the songs people were associating with her – Imagine Dragons songs kept coming up and I got hooked again. I love the epic sound of the songs and the intensity of Dan Reynolds’ vocals. Between those two things, they give the songs so much conviction and emotion, regardless of the subject matter. I feel like they always deliver with songs that make you feel like a goddamn superhero – something we all need from time to time, I think.

Favourite Tracks: ‘Whatever It Takes,’ ‘Believer,’ ‘Walking the Wire,’ ‘Mouth of the River,’ and ‘Start Over.’

Amidst the Chaos: Live from the Hollywood Bowl by Sara Bareilles (May 2021) – I was so gutted that I never got to see this show live so when this album (and the show in the empty venue) were announced, I was so excited. It was the next best thing and would keep me going until a real show was a possibility again. And it really does feel like listening to a concert; if you close your eyes and turn up the volume, you can almost imagine yourself there.

I feel like opening with a snippet of ‘Orpheus,’ with the section that emphases the lyrics, “We will not give up on love now” and “We did not give up on love today,” is like an opening statement for the show. I really love that: that that was the atmosphere, that that was what she wanted people to be feeling going into and during the show. Maybe I’m reading too much into it but I think that’s a really cool way of starting a concert. ‘Fire’ feels like the actual opening song and it’s so big and bold and full; it’s a good opener. Sara’s vocals sound incredible and the strings are just gorgeous. Her exclamation of “Holy shit, we’re at the Hollywood Bowl!” is just so Sara and made me laugh out loud. ‘Poetry By Dead Men’ has such a beautiful arrangement and melody and Sara just sounds so amazing. Again, I snorted with laughter when, between songs, she announces, “This is what I look like standing up!” She’s just so giddy about performing and about performing at The Hollywood Bowl; it’s really quite adorable.’Eyes On You’ has such a great energy live; all of the songs do. There’s something about live music that is so vibrant and while the instruments all sound great and the sound engineer is clearly doing an excellent job, the energy of performing live just adds such a special magic to a song. I wish I could explain it better than that. I love ‘I Choose You’ and it was so cute that there was a proposal during the song; I can’t believe something like that – people getting engaged at your concerts or using your songs for really big occasions like first dances and so on – ever gets old (I can only hope that I get to experience something like that someday). It was cool to hear her talk about her experience at the Women’s March and the thought process that led to the writing of ‘Armor’; hearing both that introduction and the song itself must’ve been amazing to hear live. And it was lovely to hear her talk about falling in love. When the audience cheered, she was like, “I knowwww!” That was very cute and made me smile. And I loved how much everyone cheered when she talked about Waitress; I love how invested everyone is in it because it means so much to her (I mean, that’s not the only reason – it’s a fantastic musical – but I think it has a special meaning to her fans because it’s special to her, because musical theatre is something she’s wanted to do her whole life). Her performance of ‘She Used To Be Mine’ was incredible and the crowd was absolutely silent, like they were so absorbed that they’d forgotten to breathe. It’s an amazing song and she sings it so beautifully; it gives me shivers. Then the spell is broken and the audience erupts into applause, applause that goes on so long that Sara is clearly very touched by the reaction. I was so happy to see that ‘Uncharted’ had been included in the show since the song means so much to me and I love this performance of it: I love that you can hear her smiling as she sings; I love how everyone sings the first chorus so loudly that Sara doesn’t need to sing; and I love how joyful a performance it is. I wish I could’ve been there; I wish I could’ve seen her face when everyone sang that first chorus. I bet that’s not something that ever gets old either. ‘No Such Thing’ is such a gorgeous song and it transitions so beautifully into ‘Satellite Call.’ It’s a mash-up that never would’ve occurred to me but it really works, thematically, musically, and emotionally. I absolutely love her introduction to ‘Brave,’ especially when she said, “As a songwriter, the greatest thing you could ever hope for is that your song kind of becomes part of… that it belongs to everybody else and that’s how this song feels to me and I couldn’t be more proud.” I think that’s very true. Performing ‘Brave,’ she sounds absolutely amazing; she truly has a one-of-a-kind voice. And that’s again highlighted in her performance of ‘Gravity.’ There’s something about the way she sings that song that shows off how incredible and unique her voice is: when she sings it, her voice just sounds so beautiful and so atmospheric – you can feel every little shift, every little flicker of emotion in her voice – and I really can’t imagine a time when it doesn’t hit hard. And just when I think she can’t sound better, she closes the show with ‘Saint Honesty’ with off-the-charts incredible vocals. She’s an amazing performer and my only sadness is that there isn’t a visual to go alongside it, as there was with Brave Enough: Live at the Variety Playhouse.

I really love it as an album: I love that she gave us all a chance to experience the Amidst The Chaos Tour; I love that she included songs from so many different albums and projects; I love that we get to hear her incredible performances; and I love that the song introductions and audience interactions weren’t cut out. She’s so personable and she balances the funny and dorky moments with the more serious and sincere ones so well. Those moments at concerts, when the artist stops to talk to the crowd and you can’t help but feel like they’re talking to you alone… They’re so special and leaving those parts in allows us to have a little bit of that experiences, even if we couldn’t go to a show, whether that was due to COVID or not. It’s a beautiful album and I love listening to her sing, listening to her talk to her audience, listening to her love every second of performing. It’s another project that makes me so proud to be a fan, so proud to look up to her.

I could easily justify including every track in my list of favourites because it’s like listening to a whole concert and the whole thing is just fantastic but I will try to follow my own rules (for once) and pick out just the stand out tracks (based on the performances rather than the songs themselves as this is a live album, although it’s probably unlikely that I can keep my feelings about the songs out of it entirely).

Favourite Tracks: ‘Orpheus / Fire,’ ‘I Choose You,’ ‘Armor,’ ‘She Used To Be Mine,’ ‘Uncharted,’ ‘No Such Thing / Satellite Call,’ ‘Let The Rain,’ ‘King of Anything,’ ‘Brave,’ ‘Orpheus,’ ‘Gravity,’ and ‘Saint Honesty.’

Strange Desire by Bleachers (July 2015) – I’ve heard various tracks from this album over the years but I’ve never sat down and really listened to it. So, before Take the Sadness Out of Saturday Night came out, that’s what I did. And I just loved it, almost every single song. I loved the epic-ness of ‘Wild Heart,’ the production (it’s very much the sound I’ve always associated with Bleachers: big, emotive sounds, bright colours, and huge, open spaces), the vocals and the vocal effects, the big yet so eloquently stated message and then all of the little details in the lyrics, like “So put the shotgun back in the glove / Come on and wait another year for the / Dream far away / To come home, to be brave” and “They boarded up the windows / And the doors to my house / No one will ever read the letters / Or the lies that I told / From the years I was changed / By crooked hearts.” I love it and it was stuck in my head on a loop for days afterwards. ‘Rollercoaster’ really showed off how gorgeous Jack Antonoff’s voice is, although I did think the bridge felt very similar to ‘Closer’ by Tegan and Sara. I loved the concept for ‘Shadow’: “The song is about a New Yorker article I read about how everyone has a shadow, or a lesser version of themselves that only they can see,” but ultimately, that there will always be people who will love you, shadow and all. I’ve always loved ‘I Wanna Get Better’: I love how big and epic it sounds, I love the chaotic production that matches the tumbling emotions, and I love all of the imagery and the depth of each line (“And I’ve trained myself to give up on the past ’cause / I froze in time between hearses and caskets,” representing a very bleak time in his life: “There was 9/11, my sister died (of brain cancer in 2002 at age 13) and my cousin died in the Iraq War (in 2003). So a lot happened in a short span of time. It was an end to an age of innocence. I had PTSD and rarely left the house, and I disassociated from everyone for a long time,” for example). And what he’s said about the song only made me love it more, such as, “It had to be perfect because I was condensing all of me into one song,” and “The message is heavy, it’s not dumbed down… I didn’t write this song thinking to myself, ‘Well this is what I wanna say, but this is what people can handle.’ I just wrote the song and recorded the song. And I didn’t say to myself, ‘Well I want to have all this distortion in my vocal, but on mainstream radio that’s not really what people are doing right now.’ I did it anyway and thought, ‘Well, if the radio plays it, then I can be really proud of it, ’cause then I can feel like I’m a part of something that is pushing things into a different place.‘” I love the slightly mellower sound of ‘Wake Me,’ and the simplicity and sincerity of the lyric. I love the lyrics in ‘Reckless Love’ (like “I keep finding my way to the harshest words,” “I would burn my dreams away,” and “If you don’t let go you’re gonna break me”), especially the bridge. As much as I love ‘I Wanna Get Better,’ I think ‘Like a River Runs’ has to be my absolute favourite; I just really, really feel it, both in the song and what Antonoff has said about it. It just resonates so strongly in all the right ways. I love the production, I love the sentiment, I think the chorus is great, and I just love the lyrics: “When I fall asleep I can see your face / What I lost in you I will not replace / And I could run away, I could let them down / But I will remember your light,” “The summer’s gone and I’m alone / And I get the feeling that you’re somewhere close,” “The rhythm of your wild heart / It beats, been beating since you’ve gone,” “And I know you’re gone but still / I will remember your light,” and “And if you see me in the darkness / I hope you know I’m not alone / I carry you with every breath I take.” It’s a stunning song and I absolutely love it. The only song that didn’t really do anything for me was ‘I’m Ready To Move On / Wild Heart Reprise.’ I just found it a bit too weird and I don’t really understand what the purpose of it is. And then I loved the inclusion of the live versions of ‘I Wanna Get Better’ and ‘Rollercoaster’; they were a really cool addition and just make me want to go a Bleachers show so badly. The energy is almost tangible, even as recordings. 

Favourite Tracks: ‘Wild Heart,’ ‘I Wanna Get Better,’ ‘Wake Me,’ ‘Reckless Love,’ ‘Like a River Runs,’ ‘I Wanna Get Better (Live in Boston),’ and ‘Rollercoaster (Live in Boston).’

Take the Sadness Out of Saturday Night by Bleachers (July 2021) – I really like this album even though it’s a bit left field of my usual tastes. Arrangement and production wise, I loved the sounds he chose: the horns and saxophones were a gorgeous addition and an interesting choice since they aren’t an obvious choice in anything that even vaguely resembles pop music. There was a real warmth to every track; they had a lovely velvety sound. I was reminded of rich, warm colours like burgundy, purple, navy, and gold. What I do find frustrating is how difficult it is to make sense of what he’s singing, a combination, I think, of his style of singing and the production choices made around his vocals; he’s almost unintelligible at various points. I had to look them up just to understand what he was saying. After that, I had a clearer sense of the songs and they all started to grow on me, not just the ones I’d felt naturally connected to. He has some gorgeous lyrics and explores some really interesting ideas but, just from listening to it, I doubt I would’ve got that and if I hadn’t wanted to like it, I don’t know if I would’ve tried so hard to. So I think it’s a shame that the lyrics aren’t clearer because some of them are really beautiful – like, “So I rip floorboards from our place, black out all our windows and then I kick them from their frames,” “These steps toward faith, I can’t imagine it, pack my suitcase up ’til I can’t bear it, who am I without this weight on my shoulder?” “Just don’t go dark on me,” “Are my hopes finally gonna waste me? Am I the worst compass I could know?” and “I don’t know what to do with this faith” – and I wouldn’t be surprised if people move onto something else that’s easier to absorb.

Favourite Tracks: ’91,’ ‘How Dare You Want More,’ ‘Stop Making This Hurt,’ ‘Don’t Go Dark,’ and ‘What’d I Do With All This Faith?’

I Got Here By Accident by Kalie Shorr (August 2021) – I don’t usually include EPs in this list but I love Kalie’s music so I couldn’t leave it out. I’d heard ‘Amy,’ ‘I Heard You Got A Girl,’ and ‘Love Child’ before the EP came out but hearing them with full production and in the context of the other songs was a completely new and gorgeous experience; they all fit together so well. As expected, the songs are full of fantastic lyrics: “Do you want the other half of my sandwich, ’cause I know how much you love my leftovers, you love my leftovers,” “I heard you got a girl, she’s everything you need, sort of funny how, she kinda looks like me,” “I’m afraid that you’ll leave, I’m scared that you’ll stay, and I don’t know which one would be worse,” “Where I heard Rhiannon for the first time, my sister singing along for the last, now she lives in the sky with the radio waves, comes down when I play Fleetwood Mac… 1975 on speed dial, and Rumours in my blood,” “Tell me who to hate, yeah, you don’t have to worry, I don’t have to meet ’em, I believe your story,” and so many more. Her songs are so characteristically her: the stories she tells, the details in the lyrics, the plot twists, THE MULTIPLE PLOT TWISTS, the melodies… I could keep going; she just has such a distinctive voice as a songwriter. Also, as I said on Twitter when the EP came out, I have huge respect for Butch Walker and his production on the project. It’s so cohesive. The guitars in particular are just utterly gorgeous. They just make my autistic brain so happy, so calm in the chaos of everything around me: they have the same frequencies as magic and joy, orange skies and tears of relief. It’s a strange thing to try and explain.

Favourite Tracks: I don’t think I actually have any specific favourites (although ‘Alibi’ is an absolute jam); I just really love the project as a whole. It’s so cohesive, lyrically and musically, and although I have my favourite lyrics, I don’t feel able to pick any song above another because they’re all really good and all consistently really good. And they’re just so Kalie, something that the ‘Love Child’ visualiser shows in such a beautiful way…

If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power by Halsey (August 2021) – (This one is going to be long because I have a lot of thoughts so please bear with me.) As one YouTube comment reads: “It’s the kind of album a queen sings while she declares war.” It’s a very apt description. It’s so cohesive (yes, it’s a concept album but not all concept albums feel cohesive) and so lyrically complex, deep and thoughtful and powerful. I have to admit that, despite the album being out for several months now, I still don’t feel like I fully understand it; I still feel like I have so many layers to peel back.

During her interview with Zane Lowe, she says that feels like she’s finally perfected the concept album – she considers all of her albums to be concept albums – even if it’s to a lesser degree like Manic, which she describes more as having a motif but still fundamentally being a concept album. Lowe comments that all of their albums sound like they’re a complete thought, rather than a selection of random songs thrown together, something Halsey said they would never do: their albums will always have some sort of central theme or throughline to them (I thoroughly appreciate this since I’m the same when creating music projects). The concept for this album was described as “the joys and horrors of pregnancy and childbirth” and “the dichotomy of the Madonna and the Whore,” the societal idea that you can be sexually desirable but not a mother or maternal but not sexually desirable – an idea that Halsey addressed when announcing the album, “…me as a sexual being and my body as a vessel and gift to my child are two concepts that can co-exist peacefully and powerfully…“; it’s not a pregnancy album but an album she wrote while pregnant about her experience of pregnancy and the related issues of womanhood, motherhood, and so on. It could have easily been a girl power/female empowerment album but Halsey is crystal clear in their Zane Lowe interview that it isn’t, pointing out that the only times they talk about femininity, it’s in a negative context: describing the girl as a weapon in ‘Girl Is a Gun’; telling herself to “be a big girl” in ‘You asked for this,’ something that is often said condescendingly, to invalidate a female opinion; ‘honey’ describes a turbulent relationship, detailing the positive and negative qualities of both parties; ‘Whispers’ sees her cruelly list the reasons why she wants to be loved but never will be; in ‘The Lighthouse’ she plays the part of a siren, luring men to their deaths and revelling in the power she has over them, and so on. It’s only a ‘girl power album’ in that she, Halsey, made it but it’s ultimately too nuanced a concept – with lyrics delving into themes including feminism, bodily autonomy, the patriarchy, institutional misogyny, as well as Halsey’s more personal experiences – to be portrayed in a way that could be described as neatly as ‘girl power.’ There is so much to this concept that I feel like, while I like and appreciate the songs as songs, I’m still making sense of them in their wider context. This is something I love about Halsey – how thoughtful and thought-provoking their writing is, whether that’s through lyrics or poetry – but it’s something that I do, at times, find challenging: as an autistic person, I do have a tendency to take things literally and so sometimes I feel kind of stupid for not understanding themes or ideas that other listeners immediately pick up on. That’s something that I really liked about Manic, I think: the songs were still held together by a central idea but it was a bit more… straightforward, if that makes sense. The idea of ‘finding Ashley again after being Halsey for so long’ felt easier to understand and, in some ways, feel a part of. I’ve found that the more complex the concept or narrative that Halsey works with (hopeless fountain kingdom and If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power being the biggest examples of this), the more separate I feel from their music and from the fandom, kind of like, ‘well, if you don’t understand it, you don’t deserve to be here.’ It’s confusing and more than a bit draining sometimes.

Having said that, I do really like the songs, even if I’m still figuring out all of the layers and connections. The lyrics and melodies are as impactful as ever. Listing all of my favourites would take far too long but there are a good handful that just take my breath away every time I hear them: I think ‘Bells of Santa Fe’ is beautifully written, from “Don’t call me by my name / All of this is temporary” to “Jesus needed a three day weekend / To sort out all his bullshit, figure out the treason” to “Don’t wait for me, don’t wait for me, wait / It’s not a happy ending”; I love the verses of ‘Easier Than Lying,’ especially the first with the lyric, “I’m only whatever you make me / And you make me more and more a villain every day” and how that idea is developed through that section; ‘Lilith’ is super interesting and I love the power behind the lyric, “And by now, I don’t need a fuckin’ introduction,” something I also love about the lyric, “I come loaded with the safety switched off” in ‘Girl Is a Gun’; I love pretty much everything about ‘Darling’ but the bridge absolutely gets me every time, especially the lyrics, “I’ll kidnap all the stars and I will keep them in your eyes / I’ll wrap them up in velvet twine / And hang ’em from a fishin’ line / So I can see them anytime I like,” which I think is such an excellent example of what a fantastic songwriter Halsey is; I feel similarly about ‘1121’ in that I just love every lyric and how emotionally raw it makes me feel; ‘honey’ took a while to grow on me but the melody is just incredible and I will probably have it stuck in my head somewhere forever, or at least until she writes something even catchier; the chorus of ‘I am not a woman, I’m a god’ – “I am not a woman, I’m a god / I am not a martyr, I’m a problem / I am not a legend, I’m a fraud / Keep your heart ’cause I already got one” – is so explicit and unapologetic that I can’t help but feel drawn in by it and the verse lyrics only add to that feeling; I absolutely love ‘The Lighthouse,’ the character that Halsey embodies, and the way they weaves the lyrics to create such visceral emotion in a song (to the point where I could probably write a whole blog post on it but I won’t); and ‘Ya’aburnee’ feels like the perfect closer, in its structure, its stripped back production, and the profoundly beautiful lyrics, like “I think we could live forever / In each other’s faces,” “And if we don’t live forever / Maybe one day, we’ll trade places / Darling, you will bury me / Before I bury you,” “So take my pockets, take me whole / Take my life and take my soul / Wrap me in a wedding ring / You know I swear I’d give you anything,” and so on (in her Zane Lowe interview, she talks about how this song contains some of her favourite lyrics and how it’s both a love song to their partner and their child, something Lowe had pointed out previously: the impressive and intriguing way Halsey can write a lyric that could be addressed to themself, their partner, their child, or their listener and that that distinction is left open to interpretation). 

Having said all of this, I do think their lyrical style has shifted slightly since Manic, most notably in the way that they seem to be favouring metaphors over detail. There are very few lyrics like the vivid “Your eyes, so crisp, so green / Sour apple baby, but you taste so sweet / You got hips like Jagger and two left feet / And I wonder if you’d like to meet” and “I grab your hand and then we run to the car / Singing in the street and playing air guitar” in ‘Finally // beautiful stranger’ or the anxious chorus of ‘3am’ or the heart-achingly raw “And I remember this girl with pink hair in Detroit / Well, she told me / She said, ‘Ashley, you gotta promise us that you won’t die / ‘Cause we need you,’ and honestly, I think that she lied / And I remember the names of every single kid I’ve met / But I forget half the people who I’ve gotten in bed / And I’ve stared at the sky in Milwaukee / And hoped that my father would finally call me / And it’s just these things that I’m thinkin’ for hours / And I’m pickin’ my hair out in clumps in the shower / Lost the love of my life to an ivory powder / But then I realize that I’m no higher power / That I wasn’t in love then, and I’m still not now / And I’m so happy I figured that out / I’ve got a long way to go until self-preservation / Think my moral compass is on a vacation / And I can’t believe I still feed my fucking temptation / I’m still looking for my salvation.” This isn’t a criticism per se because every artist grows and develops and each project requires a slightly different approach but there was something so raw and real about the writing on Manic that I do miss on this album (although, of course, it also has things that I love that weren’t present on Manic). And while I think I preferred the production style on Manic (just a stylistic preference), I think the production of this album is fantastic. ‘The Tradition’ and ‘Bells of Santa Fe’ are cinematic and ominous; there’s a heaviness and dread to ‘You Asked for This’; ‘Girl Is a Gun’ and ‘honey’ are wild and energetic; ‘1121’ feels very vulnerable; there’s a confidence and swagger to ‘The Lighthouse’; and ‘Darling’ and ‘Ya’aburnee’ are gentle and intimate. All these songs sound very different but they somehow manage to exist in the same sonically cohesive bubble.

She says something really interesting during the Zane Lowe interview that I’m still thinking about all of this time later. Lowe commented on how their four albums feel reflective of their growth: out of the  deeply conceptual albums of Badlands and hopeless fountain kingdom came Manic, where they seemed to find a real sense of their identity, and now we have If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power, which he said felt like the final step before being able to share your truth and your story and your life with another person, a sentiment that Halsey agreed with. Halsey herself goes on to say that, while it isn’t true and is antithetical to the album (but as a real thought it deserves it’s own space), they felt like they had to say everything that they wouldn’t be able to say once they became someone’s mother; they had to get rid of all of the stories of guilt and insecurity and self sabotage and so on before starting over in this new chapter of their life. They say that they had a moment of panic at about six weeks pregnant about whether they had to be or were going to be boring now, given that so many things that they self identified with aren’t traditionally compatible with being a mother. They talk about a realisation about themselves and their future growth: “Oh, I’m holding on to my trauma because it’s part of how I define myself and I’m never really gonna grow unless I really let go of that trauma.” Lowe suggests that the album is a purging of sorts and Halsey agrees. That whole discussion – about identity and growth and purging oneself of certain parts of the past and certain things that inform who we are – has been really thought-provoking.

And finally, I also really liked the discussion of the title, ‘If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power,’ given how interesting it is and how it isn’t directly referenced within the album itself. Lowe and Halsey talk about how it isn’t a ‘likeable’ title – this idea that if she can’t have a relationship, she’ll work and she’ll be ruthless and hardened and so on – but that it’s more of a starting point, something steadfast that she ends up developing away from because suddenly there’s this baby to consider; ultimately, she chooses love. She says that, “The irony is that the most power I’ve ever had is in the agency I have in that I chose love. That’s what’s given me the most power.” And that statement kind of takes my breath away because we know from what they’ve shared about their life that they’ve been through a lot and it hasn’t been easy; it would be much easier to abandon the idea of love out of a warped sense of self preservation but here they are, working through their shit and choosing love anyway despite the difficult things that they have experienced. They’ve found the comfort and power of taking their life back, making it their own, and putting themselves first, and that feels like an incredible process of growth that we’ve been given the honour of witnessing.

So, to end this incredibly long section on just one album, I feel like I didn’t fall in love with If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power in the same way that I did with Manic (which is totally fine – different albums resonate differently with each of us) but there’s a lot I love about it. It’s grown on me steadily and I think it will continue as I unravel more of the stories and ideas that makes this album so complex and thought-provoking. There’s a lot to admire about it and about Halsey and as much as I love listening to the work they’ve already put out, I also can’t help but look forward to whatever they choose to explore next because I know it will be completely unexpected and completely incredible.

Favourite Tracks: ‘Bells in Sante Fe,’ ‘Girl is a Gun,’ ‘Darling,’ ‘1121,’ ‘Whispers,’ ‘I am not a woman, I’m a god,’ ‘The Lighthouse,’ and ‘Ya’aburnee.’

Human by OneRepublic (August 2021) – While there were songs I liked on Oh My My, I much preferred the more classic soundscape of Native and their previous albums so when Ryan Tedder said that this would be their “most OneRepublic album” up to now, I was really excited and I can absolutely hear that; sonically, it’s definitely reminiscent of Native and Waking Up in particular, although it does incorporate some more electronic sounds (it reminded me of 1989 by Taylor Swift in that sense). The songs (‘Distance’ and ‘Savior,’ for example) are big and epic, which really reminded me of Native; that was something I always really loved about that album. And I think the newer electronic sounds were worked into the arrangements well. The melodies are just ridiculously catchy – if Tedder should be known for anything, it should be his ability to craft a melody so catchy that you’ll most likely remember it for the rest of your life – and Tedder’s vocals are as flawless and emotive as ever. But having said all of that, I was a little disappointed in the lyrics. There were some great lines but I felt like the majority of the album was made up of broader, more general statements. For example, “I’ll keep a message of you if you call, of you if you call / And choke on the memories” in ‘Choke’ from Oh My My or “Heart still beating but it’s not working / It’s like a hundred thousand voices that just can’t sing” in ‘Feel Again’ and “I’ll light your fire till my last day / I’ll let your fields burn around me, around me” in ‘What You Wanted’ from Native all feel deeply emotional with very distinct imagery whereas I didn’t get that same feeling with this album. I really enjoy listening to it but I don’t get that emotional lift that I get from some of their other albums, Native in particular.

Favourite Tracks: ‘Distance,’ ‘Rescue Me,’ ‘Savior,’ ‘Wanted,’ ‘Better Days,’ and ‘Ships + Tides.’

star-crossed by Kacey Musgraves (September 2021) – While I loved a lot of Golden Hour, I can’t help but feel like Kacey Musgraves has been slowly losing the thing that made her so unique back in the days of ‘Merry Go Round’ and Same Trailer Different Park. That feels like a very negative note to start on, which I don’t like doing, but it’s something that I’ve been thinking for a while and it’s something that makes me really sad. I’ve loved songs from all of her albums: nine on Same Trailer Different Park (I loved ‘Silver Lining,’ ‘Keep It to Yourself,’ ‘Stupid,’ and ‘Follow Your Arrow’ especially), five on Pageant Material (I think ‘Family Is Family’ and ‘Cup of Tea’ were my favourites), and seven on Golden Hour (I loved ‘Oh, What a World,’ ‘Love Is a Wild Thing,’ ‘Space Cowboy’ – although the grammatical error in the title still really annoys me… – and ‘Rainbow’). When I liked Golden Hour so much more than I’d liked Pageant Material, I’d hoped that it was just the difficulty of writing a second album after writing such a great (and wildly successful) first one so I was looking forward to this one: Golden Hour was a great third album, she’d had a lot of time to write new material (apparently she’d written forty songs to choose from), and she’d lived a lot of life so I felt like the chances of a strong album were good. But personally, I do feel kind of underwhelmed.

She’s described it as more country than Golden Hour multiple times but I don’t hear that at all – it’ just too shimmery, if that makes any sense at all. To me, it sounds much more like a glossy pop album that occasionally dips it’s toe into country; how it was actually possible to classify it as a country album, I don’t know. I’ve also seen her talk about Greek tragedies and a three act structure to the album, neither of which I would’ve naturally heard in the album: the three act description only made sense once I heard her break down the tracklist. I’m not trying to undermine what she’s saying or how she perceives the album but it just kind of reminds me of when the concept in a concept album isn’t clear enough so that, even if the songs are really good, that overall connecting theme gets lost.

When it comes to the songs, I have pretty mixed feelings. I liked how ‘star-crossed’ very effectively sets the scene for the rest of the album but then ‘good wife’ feels like an odd blend of Christian-pop and RnB. I really liked the imagery in ‘cherry blossom’ but the lyrics still felt a little simplistic compared to her usual writing; the lyrics to ‘simple times’ just felt like a stereotype of the 90s and they kind of made me cringe; and I liked ‘justified,’ mostly because it felt like there was more emotional depth and the lyrics felt stronger. I was kind of put off by the production of ‘breadwinner’ and then the chorus just made me cringe, particularly the lyric, “He wants your dinner.” I don’t know; it just makes me feel weird and uncomfortable. I really liked ‘camera roll,’ even though I don’t generally like songs with such technologically up to date language; I find it tends to date a song. But there were some lovely lyrics in this one, like “Chronological order and nothing but torture / Scroll too far back, that’s what you get / I don’t wanna see ’em, but I can’t delete ’em / It just doesn’t feel right yet, not yet” and “All the best, that’s all that’s left / Cruel evidence,” and it just felt much more Kacey than so many of the other songs. I really liked the chorus of ‘what doesn’t kill me.’ But then I really didn’t get on with ‘there is a light.’ I couldn’t work out what the arrangement was trying to do, the metaphor wasn’t one of her best, and the lyrics just got too repetitive. And while I like what Kacey has said about ‘gracias a la vida,’ I’m not convinced that including it on the album was a good decision. Given that it’s all in Spanish, the production is constantly changing, and that it’s unclear why it belongs on the album without her explanation, I don’t think it’s a strong closing track.

So, while I like the songs I like, I just feel a bit disappointed because we know what a great writer she is. Back in her Same Trailer Different Park days, I considered her one of my favourite artists but I just don’t enjoy her music the way I did back then. I’m not jumping ship as a fan but this album just hasn’t got me in the way some of her previous have. Mainly I’m just a bit sad because I was looking forward to it and looking forward to seeing her tour again but I’m not sure if there are enough songs that I like and if I like them enough to justify the cost of a ticket.

Favourite Tracks: ‘star-crossed,’ ‘cherry blossom,’ ‘justified,’ ‘camera roll,’ ‘hookup scene,’ ‘keep lookin’ up,’ and ‘what doesn’t kill me.’

Pins And Needles by Natalie Hemby (October 2021) – Since this album has barely been out a week, these are very much my first impressions of it; I haven’t had time to have a really thorough listen and really explore it yet. But I couldn’t not mention it on National Album Day when it’s an album I’ve been looking forward to for so long. There’s a lot I like about it. ‘Heroes’ has a great power chorus. ‘New Madrid’ has a catchy, emotive melody  and I love the imagery in the lyrics: “And a heart that hasn’t moved in years,” “Remember when we made the Mississippi River run backwards,” “Shifting pieces, pretending we can’t feel the rift between us,” “And the ground we tread will bury us someday,” and so on. They’re just stunning. The only thing that bothers me is the way the emphasis is on the wrong syllable of ‘Madrid’ (on ‘Ma,’ instead of ‘drid’). I love the imagery and the metaphors in ‘Pins and Needles’ and the internal rhyming in the chorus is so satisfying: “You got my number, my thunder / And it’s your thumb that I’m under.” Ugh, so good! Again, I love the imagery in ‘Lake Air’ – “We were silhouettes / Ghosts in the rain / And we almost froze / When we left our clothes / By the water bank,” “I breathe you in / And kept you there,” and “There’s a certain sound / When the world disappears / And your heart is beating / So hard it’s all you can hear,” for example – it’s all so vivid, like you can see it playing out in front of you. I like the twist in the final chorus of ‘Banshee.’ I LOVE ‘Radio Silence.’ It’s easily my favourite song on the album and possibly my favourite Natalie Hemby song. It’s so sad but so, so beautiful and there’s such wistful longing there; I find it so deeply relatable. The main electric guitar sounds so sad, so lonely; it was the perfect choice of instrumentation for the song. The chorus is one of the most emotive choruses I’ve heard in a long time: “I tried to reach you through the growing static / I tried to replicate the fading magic / Did everything to keep the signal from dying / All I got was radio silence.” It captures the feeling of a friendship or relationship slipping away so perfectly and I just love the metaphor of reaching out only to get radio silence in return; it’s as lonely an image as the feeling of someone you care about fading from your life. The lyrics are gorgeous – “I wasn’t ready for / The way you shut the door / And left me standing in the frame” is one of my favourites – and the lift into the chorus hits in just the right way that it takes my breath away every time. The final chorus, doubled with different lyrics – “I tried to reach you through the growing static / I tried to replicate the fading magic / Did everything to keep the signal from dying / All I got was radio silence / I tried to tell you that it’s gonna get better / I tried to put the pieces back together / Did everything to keep the signal from dying / All I got was radio silence” – adds a new layer of emotional intensity and ends the song beautifully. And her vocals are just perfect. It’s a stunning song. I love the imagery in the lyrics of ‘Pinwheel’: “Pinwheel, my head’s spinning / Tilting all the world in a colourful collision / Pinwheel, visions always blurry / Everything’s a wash, like pictures in a hurry,” “Carried all my dreams by the handle / Heavy as an anvil,” and “Maybe I’m a ten cent amusement / And maybe I’m a weapon and you don’t wanna use it,” and so on. And although I can’t quite explain how, the production sounds like a funfair: all the bright colours; the loud, strange noises; and overly sweet or salty smells and tastes. I can’t explain it; that’s just the sensory experience that comes to mind when I listen to it. And I really like ‘Last Resort,’ for the most part. I loved the guitar; it was such a gentle, soothing sound. And again, I loved the imagery in the lyrics (she’s an incredible lyricist): “When you’re wandering / Lost in your own land / I’ll clear a long road / That you can follow / Lead you to right where I am,” “Caught in the storm / When the shelters you build / Fall without warning,” and “In desperation / Please remember me / When hell burns brighter / I’ll put out the fire / That burns in the bad memories” are my favourites. And the instrumentation is gorgeous too. I particularly love the electric guitar between the second chorus and the bridge; it’s just such a beautiful sound and it’s so emotive. My only issue with it is that, as far as I can tell, this is a song about how you’ll always be there for someone, steadfast when all else fails. But the chorus line of “I’ll be your last resort” sounds more like the narrator is saying that they’re happy to be the other person’s last choice and that doesn’t really jive with the rest of the song as far as I can tell. I feel like it should either be saying something like, ‘I’ll always be here, you never need to ask’ (or ‘I’ll always pick up when you call,’ if you want something that fits with the rhyme scheme) or the song needs to explore why the narrator is okay with being this other person’s last choice, why they’re still always there if that’s the case. Other than that, it’s a beautiful closer.

Favourite Tracks: ‘New Madrid,’ ‘Pins and Needles,’ ‘Radio Silence,’ ‘Pinwheel,’ and ‘Last Resort.’


I like to listen to albums as full albums – from start to finish and in one go, if possible – but I don’t always have the time to do that when life gets busy. So I do have a bit of a backlog on my list of albums to listen to, plus the upcoming albums that I’m looking forward to hearing. Some of these are:

  • It’s Hard To Be Human by Kina Grannis
  • At War With The Silver Fish by Laura Jane Grace
  • Petals For Armor by Hayley Williams
  • Mercury – Act 1 by Imagine Dragons
  • Hurts 2B Human by P!nk
  • Thrive by Cassadee Pope
  • Red (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift
  • 30 by Adele
  • The Shires’ upcoming fifth album
  • Maren Morris’ upcoming third album

But I like having a new album to look forward to and fortunately, there are always more.

A Week In My Life (December 2020)

Since my last week-in-my-life post didn’t include any time ‘at’ university, I thought I’d write another one this semester, one that included uni time and all that that entails.

After three really bad mental health days, I was a bit wary about the week ahead – starting it feeling so depleted. It ended up being a very mixed week, as they’ve all been recently. Maybe it’s an end of term thing: I start off strong but then I hit a wall somewhere in the middle and it doesn’t always take much. I’ve worked hard this semester so hopefully I’ll be able to finish all of my assessment stuff fairly quickly – it’s mostly just polishing now – and get some proper holiday time. Last year, I had to work every day of the Christmas break, only taking Christmas Day off. So some time off would be really nice.

The week in this post began on Monday 30th November and ended on Sunday 6th December 2020.


MONDAY

I slept badly so I took my time getting up and having a shower. I had some breakfast (and ALL of my pills – there’s so many at the moment, what with my normal medication, extra supplements, and some antibiotics) and then I got myself sorted for my session with Richard.

We spent about three hours on the call, working on the production for a new song I’d written, and then just chilling out together, chatting about our uni work, the various projects we’re working on, the tv shows we’re watching, and so on… We’re always texting and we have our Zoom sessions but we haven’t hung out together in months and I really miss that.

IMG_5645

When we finally hung up, I was exhausted and what started as an episode of The Split while I recovered turned into finishing the second series. It was really, really good – even better than the first series. Nicola Walker and Stephen Mangan were particularly fantastic. I love Nicola Walker; she was incredible in Spooks, Scott & Bailey, River, and now in Unforgotten and The Split. Her performances throughout this second series have been breathtaking and the ending had me in floods of tears. She blows me away every time.

I spent what was left of the afternoon and early evening working on my assessment essay. Then Mum and I had dinner together before starting a rewatch of Unforgotten (yes, we’re on a bit of a Nicola Walker kick at the moment), while I did some diary writing. I’m so far behind, what with everything I’ve been dealing with healthwise and doing for uni. My anxiety over it is so high but so is my anxiety over my uni work so the two are constantly pushing against one another. I never have any respite from it and it’s exhausting.

I managed to go to bed reasonably early, which was an achievement, especially since I had to get up early the next morning for uni.


TUESDAY

Again, I slept restlessly but with disturbing dreams that I couldn’t quite remember when I woke up; it just left me feeling kind of uneasy for most of the day, which wasn’t fun. I swear, I’ve had as many nightmares or disturbing dreams since the pandemic began than in my whole life up to that point. It’s horrible; I really feel for anyone who deals with this generally, independent of the pandemic.

I got up, got showered and dressed, had breakfast and pills before logging into my first class of the day. I could only stay an hour of the two (pre-arranged with my tutor) but we spent that hour identifying and discussing different kinds of hooks and how they’re used in songs. Then I had to sign off for a call about my rheumatology referral. It seriously cannot come quickly enough; the pain in my arm, hand, back and legs is only getting worse as time passes.

Before I got down to work, I checked my Spotify stats and saw that the Honest EP has surpassed 30,000 streams. It’s a weird feeling, knowing that so many people have heard these songs. A good feeling, but a weird feeling. I can’t really describe it.

I spent several hours working on my essay, all but finishing the first draft. So that was a good bit of work done – more than I can usually manage between classes. I had some lunch, some time to dedicate to my diary writing, and then I was signing back into class.

The afternoon’s workshop was a productive one. We got through a lot of songs and we had some really good discussions, despite only having an hour. Everyone was really lovely about my song, which meant a lot since it was such a personal one. I also had questions about the grading criteria and learning outcomes because I find the language very unclear and that lead to a good conversation about the assessment as well as inclusivity and accessibility of the course. So it felt like a really positive class, in all sorts of ways.

When my class finished, my Mum and I FaceTimed with my Granny for her birthday and I also got to see my aunt (they’re in a bubble together), which was really lovely. I don’t think I’ve seen either of them in person since Christmas, which has been hard, even knowing that it’s the right, responsible thing to do. It a weird world – a difficult world – when the best way to love someone is to stay away from them.

I also FaceTimed with one of my parents who’d had a particularly rough day. So it was a very social day! It was good to do but I definitely felt drained afterwards.

I was having some downtime, doing some blog writing and watching TV, when another of my other parents called me and told me to change channel to a very cute programme about puppies. It was indeed very cute and it did make me wish for a puppy again, not that we intend to get one in the foreseeable future – we don’t have enough time to properly devote to one so it wouldn’t be fair. But I’m always up for any puppy time I can get.

But the best bit was how one of my cats, Mouse, reacted to it. She was fascinated by the puppies, even patting the screen, trying to touch them. It was utterly adorable. She sat patiently through the advert break and was just as absorbed by the puppies when they returned to the screen. She watched intently for the rest of the programme and then, when the credits rolled, she got up and walked away. It was the funniest thing.

So that was very adorable.

Mum and I had dinner with another few episodes of Unforgotten and I finished my essay. Well, the first draft anyway. It needed a read through and a tidy up before I sent it off but what I’d wanted done for my tutorial session was essentially done. A productive day’s work and in bed before eleven: not bad at all.


WEDNESDAY

So Lockdown 2.0 has ended, not that it felt like much of a lockdown. If you’re going to call it a lockdown, then you have to do what you did in the first lockdown and shut everything down. Otherwise it’s not going to make a difference, people are going to have even less faith in it as a safety measure, and they’ll flaunt the rules because they don’t think it matters. It’s been driving me up the wall. I’m so frustrated: with the government, with the people ignoring the rules (and boasting about it), anyone who is putting casual convenience over the safety of others… Yes, that’s a generalised statement. I’m aware that there are important and necessary reasons to go out but there just seem to be so many people who just don’t care that we’re still in a pandemic and I find that incredibly distressing.

I woke up at eight and intended to get up but then suddenly it was quarter past nine so I must’ve accidentally gone back to sleep. I did manage to get up then and headed straight for my desk to record the vocals for the song I’d been working on with Richard. Even though I love it, for some reason, I find it really hard to motivate myself to start recording so it seems that the easiest way is to just get up and do it before I can get into a procrastinating mindset.

That done, I had breakfast and a shower, leaving me with just enough time to tidy up my essay and send it to my tutor before heading out to have a blood test. I had one a month or so ago and it showed dangerously low Vitamin D levels so I’ve been on a high dose Vitamin D supplement to try and build them up again. This blood test should tell us whether they’ve helped and what the next steps are.

It was almost dark by the time we got home so we settled down in the living room, lit a fire (one of my favourite things about this time of year and about this house – the fireplace) and continued watching Unforgotten. I also kept working on my Lockdown 2.0 blog post. I’d been keeping the list updated throughout the lockdown so it was just a case of tidying it up, adding all the right links, and writing an introduction and conclusion.

I had to stop in the middle to sign in to my tutorial. I had a really good session with my tutor. He was complimentary about what I’d already done and had some really good feedback so I feel pretty good about my next steps. I know what I need to do and now I just need to do it. Then I get one more tutorial before the holidays for any final feedback or guidance. The deadline is in sight, which is more than a bit scary. I just really, really want to do well.

I was exhausted afterwards but I still managed to finish and post the Lockdown 2.0 blog. So I guess it was a pretty productive day.

That done, I had a quick scroll through social media and saw that people had started to post their Spotify stats of the year, both as listeners and as artists. I always find this difficult, regardless of any rational talking to I give myself, regardless of whatever I’ve personally gone through or achieved that year; it just taps into my lifelong insecurity of not doing well enough, not being ‘good enough.’ So it’s not easy. This year should’ve been different, with four of the five tracks from my EP being released since January, but Spotify doesn’t count anything after 31st October and with ‘Honest‘ coming out on 30th October, only one day of its streams were counted. So my most successful song wasn’t a part of my Spotify Wrapped, making it completely inaccurate. So I haven’t shared it – haven’t wanted to – and I feel a little bit robbed of that. I have included the percentage increases here but in reality, they’re a good bit higher since ‘Honest’ did so well.

Hopefully next year, or whenever it is that I release more music, the figures will be more accurate and I’ll feel confident in sharing them. This ‘comparison anxiety,’ as my friend called it, was something I really wanted to work on in therapy this year but even when I’ve felt able to ‘go’ to therapy, it’s been difficult to get much further than damage control around the pandemic. That’s been really difficult – a real frustration – this year. I’ve just felt completely stuck at therapy: while I want to move forward, I’ve only felt able to maintain the fragile balancing act I’ve managed to create. And I haven’t even been able to do that a lot of the time.

Early evening, my Mum and I FaceTimed with my Granny before having fish and chips with one of my other parents. We watched the new episode of His Dark Materials (Series 2 Episode 4) and it was so good. Oh my god, that cliffhanger!

I was just getting ready for bed when I felt the pain in my back. It had been aching all afternoon but that’s not unusual right now but then it started to get worse, sharper and higher. It came on so suddenly that I couldn’t get from the bathroom to the bedroom without Mum’s help and then, when I collapsed on the bed, I couldn’t move because the pain was so bad. It seems to come in waves: there’s the pain and then it surges like a series of electric shocks before finally (FINALLY) receding back to the original pain level. And I never know how long it will go on for; sometimes painkillers seem to make a difference  and sometimes it seems to go on for ages regardless. I’m not entirely sure how long this one went on for but it was at least half an hour. And then it always takes quite a long time for me to get my body to relax afterwards, my muscles having been so tense while the electric shock pain was so bad. So even though I was exhausted, it took me a long time to get comfortable and drift off.


THURSDAY

It took me a long time to get up because I was so stiff and sore. The rheumatology appointment can’t come soon enough. I struggled through breakfast and a shower and then had a Zoom production session with Richard, continuing to work on the song we’d started on the Monday. Considering how out of our normal styles the song was, I think we did a good job, especially for a demo and I’m definitely interested to hear what my class have to say when they hear it.

We also had some chill time, just chatting and hanging out, almost like we would if we were actually together, which was really nice. We’re coping with remote sessions but I cannot wait to hang out again properly, have face-to-face writing sessions, and actually do things together. Or not do things together but do that together in the same room, if you know what I mean.

IMG_5823

When we finished, I did a couple of FaceTime calls with family and then collapsed on the sofa. I was completely exhausted. Me and Mum watched the last episode of Unforgotten Series 3 and oh my god, it gets me every time (if you know, you know – I’m not going to spoil it but the acting is incredible). Nicola Walker does not get the credit she deserves, although from what I’ve read in interviews, she seems to be pretty happy just buckling down on great projects and not doing the whole spotlight thing. (I’m so annoyed with myself that I missed seeing her in The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time – I would love to see her on stage and it’s such a great book.)

Mum and I were having a relatively chilled evening until I asked her about her call with my doctor. There had been multiple things to update her on and ask about but some of the advice she’d given was just really triggering and upsetting. I will talk about it at some point because I think it’s an important thing to have conversations about but it’s not something I’m personally ready to talk about yet. But it really upset me and just killed the warm, cozy mood of the evening.

And then, to make matters worse, Mouse (the cat) brought in a dead mouse, which is something that almost always sets off a meltdown (fortunately Mum understands this and is okay with dealing with it while I do my best to avoid said meltdown). I managed to remove myself quickly enough that I didn’t have one but it was just the final straw on what I could handle that evening so even though it was still quite early, I went to bed. It was all just too much.


FRIDAY

I slept for about twelve hours but I still woke up feeling exhausted, depressed, and miserable. I feel like I spent most of the first lockdown working really hard to get my mental health into some sort of box so I felt like I wasn’t constantly overwhelmed but most days, it still feels like I’m walking on a tightrope and it takes so little to knock me off and back into that suffocating depression. And that’s exactly what the night before did.

I really struggled all day. I just felt completely unmotivated and so, so tired. I was also having to deal with side effects of my antibiotics – they left me with a disgusting taste in my mouth all the time – which was just an extra strain. I only had one day left so I tried to focus on that but it just felt so much harder than it would’ve had I not already been feeling so awful. I did manage to finish and post the blog post about What’s Next for the Honest EP so that was good to do and helpful for my mental state – ticking stuff off my list always gives me at least a bit of a boost.

The good news of the day was that Kalie Shorr had re-released (I guess) her debut album, Open Book (which I wrote about here), but as Open Book: Unabridged, the original album plus four more songs. ‘My Voice’ and ‘Lying To Myself’ had already been released as singles and she’d played ‘Eighteen’ during her livestream concert but ‘Out Of It’ was completely new, which was really cool. They’re all stunning songs and all in their own way. ‘My Voice’ is empowering and unapologetic, as well as a very effective middle finger at the Country labels in Nashville. ‘Lying To Myself’ paints an aching authentic picture of insecurity after a break up with incredible lyrics like, “I picked out all my favourite things you said, then like a delusional architect, I built you up like a house of cards” and “You liked it up on that pedestal ’cause damn, you looked incredible, but coming down’s inevitable.” ‘Eighteen’ is a brutally honest, heartbreaking song about looking back at a relationship that really wasn’t okay, where you were all in but you were only ever treated badly. And ‘Out Of It’ is similar to a previous Kalie song, ‘Awake,’ but this time, she’s saying ‘no’ and isn’t going to get pulled into the bullshit; this time, she’s cutting the cord between herself and the other person. And because I’m a lyric nerd, here is my favourite (or one of my favourites) from each song:

My Voice: “Too rock for country, too country for punk / But who said I had to pick either one / Tattoos at the Opry / I could cover em up but it’s not me”

Lying To Myself: “I’m a little out of touch with reality, it’s never been that nice to me / I like the pictures I paint the best”

Eighteen: “I see you out with younger versions of me / While I’m trying to find who I used to be / I’m terrified that you and I will always be chasing eighteen”

Out Of It: “Your mom and dad put you through hell / You tell your secrets ’til you scare yourself / It’s a big dramatic entrance then you leave / And now I’m the girl I said I’d never be”

Late afternoon saw me dragging myself through some preparation for a mental health assessment that I have coming up, which was another thing I needed to do. But I was so tired that it took forever and I spent a lot of the time it took with my head on my arms, just trying to think. It was just a really bad mental health day. There was no way around it so I just tried to get through it. I was too tired to do anything really but I still tried to write my blog post about the UniversitiesUK Conference. I find it so hard to just do nothing; it causes me a lot of anxiety so even when I’m exhausted, I’m still desperately trying to do something.

By necessity, it was a quiet evening and I went to bed early, all too aware of how soon I had to wake up again to watch Maren Morris’ livestream concert.


SATURDAY

After MANY alarms, I struggled up at 2am to watch Maren Morris’ livestream concert. It felt very strange to not be a part of the crowd, singing (or screaming) along with her but it was so good to see her perform and hear her gorgeous voice again. It was very comforting, like a reminder that some things don’t change. The world might’ve turned upside down but Maren Morris is still Maren Morris, an exceptional songwriter, singer, and performer. So I was really grateful that she and her team put together this show for us.

I didn’t get back to sleep until about five and couldn’t be roused for anything. I eventually woke up at twelve and then I felt so tired and heavy that I could barely get out of bed. I spent several hours unable to do anything but lie on the sofa and watch TV. Disrupting my sleep patterns always throws me for six and with the depressive feelings still very overwhelming, I was really struggling.

Eventually I managed a shower, which completely exhausted me. It also makes me feel sick and dizzy to stand up for the amount of time it takes to sort the shower, have the shower, and then get dried and dressed. One more thing on the list of things being investigated.

Back in the living room, I put on Lucifer and attempted to do something productive. Mostly I ended up jumping between this and my diary, writing a few sentences here and there before switching back, just too tired to think enough to write anything decent. So that was frustrating, plus I had the nerve pain in my leg again – not the electric shock version but the bit that always comes before that (even if it doesn’t turn into said electric shock feeling) where it aches deeper than feels physically possible. So that didn’t help.

Mum and I had an early dinner and then she went for a swim. I really wanted to go and felt like I should – I’d been looking forward to it ever since the pool closed for lockdown – but I just had absolutely no energy. So she went and hopefully I’ll feel able to go next time. I got some good writing done though, so at least the time didn’t go to waste.

Having gotten up so late, I ended up going to bed too late, which was a bit of a pain. My sleep schedule is so easily knocked off course and then so difficult to correct. It was worth it though. Seeing Maren Morris perform is always good for my soul.


SUNDAY

I slept restlessly and struggled up around ten. I still felt incredibly depressed and it took a huge amount of effort to just get out of bed, into the shower, and up into the living room. I had a quiet day, not that that I think I could’ve managed anything else. I managed to finish and post my blog post about speaking at the UniversitiesUK Conference. I also finished all the paperwork for the upcoming mental health assessment and worked on the interview questions my university had sent me about doing the conference (that interview has since been posted). So, considering how awful I felt, I did manage to get something out of the way and check some things off the ongoing list, which – as I think I’ve said – at least helps me to keep my mental state from sinking lower. Having said that, I don’t want to promote the idea that being constantly productive is essential for your mental health; I’ve just found that, if I can tick something off of my to do list, even if it’s something tiny, then that can help me to keep moving forward, help me not to get stuck in my depression. It doesn’t always work; sometimes I just have to surrender to a bad day and hope that the next one will be better. But trying , even if not succeeding, does seem to do something positive.

In the evening, one of my parents came over and the three of us had a chilled evening, eating dinner in front of the fire and continuing our rewatch of Lucifer. It was gentle and undemanding and I did feel better for it. I often simplify my mood into two levels: surface and deep. And in this case, even though my deep mood was still very depressed and twisted up, my surface mood was a bit lighter. Calling it a surface mood doesn’t, to me at least, make it any less important than the deeper mood; it just means that it’s the mood that deals with the day to day stuff while the deeper mood is the one that you carry inside you and the one that sits with all the big, important stuff in your head and in your life. I guess, I see this mood as the one that’s so intricately intertwined with a person’s overall mental health. For example, in the previous few days, I was depressed on both levels (I’m not sure how good a job I’ve done of illustrating that but it’s the truth) but after the Sunday evening, my surface mood started to lift out of that depressed place. My deeper mood was still there though (and still is as I post this). But the lightening of my surface mood did make it a bit easier to face Monday and the coming week.

I tried to go to bed early but as usual, failed. I swear, I’m desperate to sleep all day and then, at about seven o’clock in the evening, my brain snaps on and starts firing wildly, almost too fast for me to keep up with my own thoughts. It’s so frustrating. It’s almost as if my brain has got day and night confused.


So there you have it: another week completely different from the last. I think I’m grateful for that – it must be better than feeling like you’re stuck in a hamster wheel surely – but it’s not without it’s difficulties. When planning is the thing that makes life easier to bear, it can be hard when each new week seems to bring something unexpected.

You guys seem to like these posts so I’ll be sure to do another one soon but probably not until the new year. Touch wood, I can get all of my coursework done in the next ten days and then I can have some time off (although I’m not exactly sure whether it will feel like time off – my brain already has an anxiety fuelled to-do list waiting for me – but I’m going to try my best.) Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this and I hope to see you in the next post.