Posted on December 31, 2018
This year has been a struggle. Almost eighteen months ago, I made the decision to change my medication and that has basically been my life ever since. Lots of pills and doctors appointments but mostly dealing with the side effects, everything from nausea to shaking to a complete inability to think clearly. I don’t think I realised what a huge undertaking it was going to be but it’s not exactly surprising: you’re throwing all the chemicals in your brain and body out of whack. I tried Venlafaxine, Lithium, and Lamotrigine; I weaned myself off Venlafaxine, tried Amitriptyline, and now I’m taking Pregabalin and Clomipramine. This is the most promising combination so far and I’ve actually had a few really good days so I’m cautiously optimistic. But it’s been a long, hard road, sometimes so difficult that I wasn’t sure I’d survive it. And I don’t really feel able to acknowledge the good bits without paying tribute to the really tough things I had to go through and so got through.
The first of The Big Difficult Things was moving house. God, that was a struggle. Having thought that I’d found some sort of peace around it, when it came to the day, I was absolutely devastated. There were a lot of tears – from all of us. That house was my home for fifteen years – home to the greatest triumphs and tragedies of my life – and so, to some extent, it will always be my home. I think I could probably walk into my old bedroom twenty years from now and fall right back into that old rhythm.
I’m still learning the rhythms of the new house. There are days where it feels normal and then others where I hate it so much I could scream. Most of the time, it still feels like someone else’s house. Someone else’s house with all our stuff in. But every day is a step in the right direction. We’re filling all the empty space with memories, slowly but surely.
I’ve been writing a lot about Claire Wineland of late but I couldn’t write about this year and not mention her. Her death was another of The Big Difficult Things of this year. I stumbled across her YouTube channel late last year and have been following her on social media ever since. She was – and still is – a big inspiration for me and her death hit me really hard. It just makes no sense to me and never will and I’m still struggling to cope with that.
And through all of this, depression has been my constant, oppressive companion. While I had experienced depression before, this was a whole new kind of prison. The lows were lower than I’d ever experienced and there were several pretty scary moments. And as well as affecting my mood, my depression made it almost impossible to write songs. I’ve had many discussions about writer’s block over the years and I’ve always thought that there are things that can make writing difficult and so you have to figure out what’s causing the block and address it. In my case, it feels like depression suppresses the creative part of my brain: I don’t get random sparks of inspiration, I can’t solve problems creatively, and any active creativity – like songwriting – is like pulling teeth. It feels like writing songs requires a certain level of functioning that I’m just not capable of reaching while depressed. I want to write more about this – about depression and writer’s block – but that’s for another post.
Having said all of that, there have been good days, as well as good experiences on bad days.
By far the best part of this year has been the time spent with my friends and family, whether that be online or in the physical world, in Nashville, London, or Brighton. Or anywhere in between. These people have kept me going through the hardest period of my life so far and I’m so ridiculously grateful to them for that.
I got to travel a little bit this year, which was amazing. I managed to get back to Nashville where I had the most intense ten days possibly of my life. I got to see some lovely people, write songs (or try to), listen to some of the best songwriters in the world, and play a Song Suffragettes show. Even though I was incredibly anxious about it, that may very well have been the best day of my year.
I also travelled to Iceland for the first time and saw so many beautiful things, including a 60m waterfall, the Diamond Beach, and the Northern Lights. The natural scenery in Iceland took my breath away time and again. It felt like the first breath you take after being underwater. Of course, there was a lot of anxiety during the trip but it helped me in a way that only the magnificence of nature is able to.
There have been more wonderful live music events than I can count: Paramore, Kelsea Ballerini, Sugarland, Kacey Musgraves, Natalie Hemby (and all of Tin Pan South in Nashville), Frank Turner, Betsy Lane, The Shires, Sinead Burgess, The Brummies, Halsey, Kina Grannis, Aislin Evans, Maren Morris, and of course, Taylor Swift. Despite the anxieties around concerts, these are the places where I feel most alive and so, throughout this difficult period, I’ve always tried to ensure that there was another concert to look forward to.
And despite my musical struggles this year, I’ve actually played a few gigs and played shows that I am so proud to have been a part of. I got to play with WRTW again and it was even more fun than the first time (if that’s possible). I played Autism’s Got Talent in London, which was such a great opportunity. I played for Brighton Soup and Disability Pride in Brighton, two amazing organisations that I can’t praise enough. I also played Summer Fest in Worthing, my first show with my awesome friend, Richard Sanderson. And of course, I got to play a Song Suffragettes show when I was in Nashville.
I’ve also managed to do a handful to Autism research studies, as well as giving blood. I’ve been feeling so useless so I tried to contribute as best I could during this time where I’ve felt incapable of contributing anything at all.
Another big part of this year was getting used to the kittens: my cat had two kittens in February and me and my Mum just fell in love with them so we ended up keeping them. I love them dearly but it has been a major adjustment and a real struggle, especially with the daily battle that is depression. So this has been both a good and a bad thing. I want to write more about this whole experience because there were – and still are – a lot of complicated emotions involved. But above it all, we have Lucky and Lucy and the kittens and I love them more than life itself.
So, that’s it: 2018. It has been a hard, hard year, and one I’m very happy to leave behind but I’m cautiously optimistic about the next few months and the next year. I’ve felt better in the last couple of weeks than I have all year and I’m hopeful that this is characteristic of what’s to come.
“2018, the year of living, fighting, but ultimately, surviving depression. There was a lot of gold in the grey but I’m so ready to move on to 2019.” (x)
Category: animals, anxiety, autism, depression, event, holidays, medication, mental health, music, treatment Tagged: 2018, 2018 in review, amitriptyline, anti anxiety, anti depressants, anti-depressant, antianxiety, antidepressants, anxiety, cat, claire wineland, clomipramine, concert, concerts, creative block, death, depression, family, friends, grief, halsey, happy new year, iceland, kitten, kittens, lamotrigine, life, lithium, maren morris, medication, mental health, mental health blog, mental health blogger, mental health blogging, mental health treatment, mental illness, moving house, nashville, new home, new house, new year, performing, pregaballin, singer, singersongwriter, song suffragettes, songwriter, songwriting, support system, taylor swift, treating depression, treatment, venlafaxine, writers block
Posted on December 29, 2018
Just as I did last year, I want to send off 2018 with the songs that made up my year, the songs that marked the happy moments and the sad, the lost and the lonely. Here goes:
1. Damn Sky by Kalie Shorr
I am obsessed with Kalie’s most recent EP, Awake. It’s SO GOOD. The songwriting, the production, the guitar parts, the vocals… I love it. There are multiple songs I could’ve chosen for this list but I think this one is so empowering. These songs have been the soundtrack to my year and I listen to them practically everyday.
What do you do when your whole heart breaks
And love only leaves you blind
Somebody had to light the way
So I learned to have the stars in my own damn sky
I got the nails, I got the hammer
If I got myself, I got the answers
2. I Am Disappeared by Frank Turner
Back in February I went to my university’s monthly songwriters’ circle and Frank Turner was the special guest. I love his songwriting, especially his lyric writing. The stories he tells are so rich and vivid. He asked if anyone had a request and someone shouted out this song and I just fell in love with it on the spot. It’s become a soundtrack to my anxiety, but not in a negative way. It’s like it translates my anxiety into something real and that’s such a relief.
I keep having dreams
Of pioneers and pirate ships and Bob Dylan
Of people wrapped up tight in the things that will kill them
Of being trapped in a lift plunging straight to the bottom
Of open seas and ways of life we’ve forgotten
I keep having dreams
3. Without by Megan O’Neill
Another month, another songwriters’ circle. Megan was the special guest at the March circle and I just fell in love with her voice. And her lyrics and her melodies. With every song she played, I was more and more inspired. This one is a particular favourite.
If I can’t have you, you can’t have me
‘Cause it’s all or nothing and there’s nothing in between
If you’re halfway in, I’m halfway out
Baby, we can’t shine in the shadow of a doubt
I can’t live with a love you can live without
4. Babe by Sugarland feat. Taylor Swift
I still can’t quite believe that two of my absolute favourite artists/bands collaborated and created such a beautiful song (and performed it live – what I wouldn’t give to have been there). It’s one of those songs that I’ve just had on repeat. I love Jennifer Nettles’ voice and Taylor Swift’s lyrics blow me away as usual. The imagery is especially gorgeous. I also love the combination of their voices, a nice treat that we otherwise wouldn’t have.
What a waste
Taking down the pictures and the plans we made, yeah
And it’s strange how your face doesn’t look so innocent
Your secret has its consequence and that’s on you, babe
I break down every time you call
We’re a wreck, you’re the wrecking ball
We said no one else, how could you do this, babe?
5. Running Out Of Red Lights by Lena Stone
I have loved Lena’s writing ever since I saw her perform at Tin Pan South in 2016 and I feel like I’ve been waiting for her to release this song for almost as long. It’s so beautiful and the sense of urgency is so real. And I freaking love the electric guitar part, more than life itself. Just kidding, but I do really love it. I can’t wait for her to release more music.
Six blocks down from your new place
High heels never hitting those breaks
If nothing’s gonna stop me then it’s too late
To change my mind
Wishing I could leave you in the rearview
‘Cause every yellow that I run through
Gets me closer to crashing to you
And I’m running out of red lights
6. Tennessee Bound by Sinead Burgess
I saw Sinead Burgess open for The Shires on their tour earlier this year and I loved her writing from the first song, which was this one. I was in a really bad place and her energy just woke me up. It was magical. And now, every time I feel like I’m getting lost, I listen to it and it reminds me of that. I’m really grateful for that.
Hell, I’m ready for my brand new life
Get a new apartment, change my hair, no I won’t be thinking twice
About the things that I’m gonna miss
‘Cause I sure as hell ain’t going out like this
So I’m ready for my brand new life
7. New Light by Baylor Wilson
I have Song Suffragettes to thank for the discovery of this song. They posted a video of it on their YouTube channel and I just fell in love. I love her voice. And I love the lyrics: they’re all beautiful but there’s one – “I thought ‘love’ was just a word that people use, until I heard you say it and I said back to you” – that takes my breath away every time I hear it. There’s something about it that makes me believe that love really is out there somewhere.
Every wrong turn turned out all right
And even when the sun sets, it’s still gonna rise
I see it in a new light
I see it in a true light
Every chapter, every verse of my life
Every time that I look in your eyes
Every cloud and all the blue in the sky
Now I see it in a new light
8. Nightmare by Nikita Karmen
My inner songwriting nerd gets so excited about this song. I saw Nikita Karmen at Tin Pan South earlier this year and I just fell in love with the way she writes lyrics. They’re smart and funny and quirky and wise; I get major songwriting jealousy. And the fact that she deliberately rhymes ‘right’ with ‘right’ and then ‘left’ with ‘left’ – in the SAME SONG – makes me shriek every time I hear it; I love it.
It was just a little doubt that got left behind
From a love that didn’t work out
Just ghosts from yesterday
But they don’t live here now
Reach over to my left
To know you never left
9. Eyes Closed by Halsey
I got to see Halsey live this year (twice!) and it was an amazing experience (even though I was in a really difficult place). This was the first song on the set list and the crowd sang along so loudly that it took my breath away. Literally. I felt breathless with… just awe. The concert was amazing and the crowd was amazing and it was really, really special. This song reminds me of that and I’m really grateful for it.
Now if I keep my eyes closed, he looks just like you
But he’ll never stay, they never do
Now if I keep my eyes closed, he feels just like you
But you’ve been replaced
I’m face to face
With someone new
10. Get Up by Nick Wilson
I heard this song at one of my university’s songwriters’ circle and then listened to it on repeat for the next week. It’s beautiful. The imagery is gorgeous, the production is amazing, and his voice sounds incredible. And it sounds even better live!
You gotta get up, you gotta get up
I know it’s always better than you think it will be
It’s never enough, it’s never enough
You don’t know what you want until you know what you need
Don’t break the silence when it’s beautiful
Just hold your tongue
But you gotta get up, you gotta get up now
11. The Goldfish Song by Kina Grannis
I finally got to see Kina Grannis live this year after following her on YouTube for years and years. That was so exciting and I got to hear so many favourite songs, old and new. This is one of those favourites and I’ve been listening to it on and off for the last few months. I guess it just really resonated with me.
I know what you’ve been thinking
It’s too soon to empty my cocoon
This butterfly’s not ready
But wouldn’t she know better than you
12. Loving You, Using You by Caylan Hays
Caylan is one of my favourite people and I am so excited that she’s putting her gorgeous songwriting out into the world. We’ve written together several times and I always look forward to it because she just has this way with words that is different to anybody else I’ve ever met. This song is so raw and so honest and I’m so excited for the project she’s about to release.
Maybe I’m loving you because I’m lonely
Maybe I’m holding you because you know me
Maybe I’m loving you
Oh, because you’re lonely too
Maybe I’m here because I’m grieving
Maybe I’m terrified of leaving
Maybe I’m loving you
Maybe I’m using you
I wish I knew the truth
13. The Middle by Zedd, Maren Morris, and Grey
I know that the format of this is twelve songs – one for every month – but I have to include this one, a song for the whole year if you like. This is no doubt my most played song of the year – it feels pretty fitting that just a few weeks ago, it was nominated for multiple Grammys. And I got to here it performed live and acoustic. I love it. Maren’s voice is beyond gorgeous and there is no song more fun to sing in the car.
So pull me closer
Why don’t you pull me close?
Why don’t you come on over?
I can’t just let you go
Oh baby, why don’t you just meet me in the middle?
I’m losing my mind just a little
So why don’t you just meet me in the middle?
In the middle
So there we go. My 2018, my songs of 2018. As always, there could’ve been so many more but I’ll leave it there. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much I enjoyed writing it.
Category: holidays, music, university Tagged: 2018, 2018 in songs, baylor wilson, caylan hays, frank turner, halsey, happy new year, kalie shorr, kina grannis, lena stone, maren morris, megan o'neill, music, music recommendations, new year, nick wilson, nikita karmen, sinead burgess, song suffragettes, songs, songs of 2018, songwriting, sugarland, taylor swift
Posted on October 20, 2018
I’ve never really written about meltdowns before. Not long after I started writing this blog, I started taking Venlafaxine for my depression, which essentially numbed me to all my emotions. And since my meltdowns have always come from an emotional place, I basically stopped having meltdowns. But I couldn’t deal with not being able to feel anything: everything I do – writing, songwriting, relationships, choices – everything I do is based on emotion. So I came off that medication and my emotions (and my ability to think clearly) came back. But I hadn’t had any meltdowns until recently.
A couple of weeks ago, I was supposed to be going to see Halsey in London, something I’ve been looking forward to for years. Since I saw her in 2016. I love her songs – a masterclass in lyric writing, melody, production, songwriting in general – and she’s an incredible performer, one of the best I’ve ever seen. I particularly love the Badlands album: somehow the songs just make me feel brave. So I was really, really excited.
If you’ve been keeping up with my blog, you’ll know that my depression has been particularly suffocating recently and when it’s that bad, being out and around people is incredibly difficult. Sometimes talking about those emotions and the strength of them is helpful: just letting it out of my body lessens the pressure and makes it easier to cope but sometimes, like this time, it’s like a crack in the dam. It just started pouring out and I couldn’t reign it back in. I was desperate to get to this show though so I kept trying.
My Mum drove me to the station but when we got there, I couldn’t get out of the car. It was like a magnetic force preventing me from getting out of my seat, from making decisions. My Mum suggested alternative ways of doing the day but I could feel all the possible decisions and deviations spiralling away from me and I ended up shouting that I needed her to stop (all that anxiety and stress and emotion just exploded out of me). I just couldn’t. I couldn’t find the right decision but I knew when they were wrong. So my Mum said she was going to drive me to London and take me to the show. That’s the only way I was going to be able to go. So that’s what we did.
This is one kind of meltdown. There seem to be different variations of them based on the situation. Usually, I can’t do anything after having one; usually I just have to go and sleep until I feel like myself again. But my desperation to go to the show pulled me through all of that somehow. It took me over an hour to be able to think clearly and make sentences again and by the time we got to the show, I was just about functional – I could walk, I could interact with others (although I still couldn’t make eye contact with anyone) – although I felt like I was in a different dimension to everyone else: we could see each other and interact but it was like we were on different frequencies. I’m mixing my metaphors I know. Meltdowns mess with your head.
It was an amazing show. Halsey shows are unlike any other shows in my experience. She gives everything to her performance. The energy is just off the charts, her vocals were incredible, and the stage/backdrops are complete works of art. The songs I loved before, I loved even more. The songs I liked before, I loved by the end of the show. The performances and the stories she tells about them make every single song special and I will hold on to all of it forever.
Because of the meltdown, I was in a really strange headspace: I felt far away and disconnected and kind of lost. So I couldn’t enjoy the show in the way I would have had I not had the meltdown. But I did enjoy it and looking through my photos and videos makes me so, so happy and grateful and proud that I managed to get there. And it helped somehow. I can’t really explain it but it helped. It’s like it filled in all the cracks with gold, to use a Japanese art form as an analogy.
I got home, went to bed, and got up the next day, ready to do the whole thing again, although without the meltdown (or so I thought). As an autistic person and a concert lover, I really like to go to shows twice where possible. With the lights, visuals, music, the scream, the energy expended, the energy expended getting there… I find it incredibly difficult to process everything and I get overwhelmed very quickly. It all starts to pass through me without really landing. Fortunately, the only thing I really spend money on is concerts so that is something that I am sometimes able to do.
For several days after a meltdown, I feel really, really fragile. So my Mum – my hero – said she’d come to the show again. Thank goodness she likes Halsey too. So we drove up to London, got to the venue, and really enjoyed the show. My god, Halsey is just so good. And seeing it twice just meant that I could take in all of it and that was just so amazing. Some of my favourite moments include (I could easily list everything but I’ll try my best to just keep it to a few):
There are so many more moments I could name but I’ll leave it there. They were two really incredible concerts and I feel so lucky to have experienced them.
When the show finished, I was absolutely exhausted, physically and mentally. Walking down the stairs to the venue exit was physically painful. I’d specifically bought a seated ticked because I don’t have the energy at the moment to stand for such a long period of time but there were two girls who stood for the whole thing (almost everybody sat behind them ended up standing in the aisle so that they could see – they refused to sit down or move despite the disruption they were causing) so I kept having to stand up to see. My whole body hurt by the time it was over. Apparently that’s another unexplained Autism thing: fatigue and pain and so on with no obvious cause.
We made it out of the venue and were halfway across the street – standing on the traffic island – when an ambulance less than a few feet away turned on its siren. I don’t know if I can really explain it: it’s something so deeply rooted in emotions and sensory stuff that I’m still searching for the right words. I might never find them. But the sound – the high-pitched, ear-splittingly loud sound – just completely overwhelmed me in a split second. It was like it blew a fuse in my brain and suddenly I was screaming and my knees buckled and I would’ve hit the ground if Mum hadn’t caught me. At some point the screaming turned into crying and shaking and somehow my Mum got me onto the tube, back to the car, and home to my bed and my cats. It took most of the journey before my brain reengaged and I could think in complete sentences but even then I couldn’t talk. It just took too much energy.
We got home, went to bed, and I spent the next few days recovering. In truth it took me over a week to feel like myself again and to process and commit to memory the amazing moments from the concert before the meltdown, before my brain shut down. It was a lot to make sense of. Meltdowns are traumatic and I don’t use that word lightly. I will write more about them, when I’m in a more stable, more composed place. I’m more than a bit all over the place at the moment. But this page here is an amazing resource so do have a look at that if you want to know more about meltdowns (and shutdowns).
And just in case:
Thank you Halsey (I never know whether to think of you as Halsey or as Ashley). Thank you for an amazing show and a treasured experience. It might’ve been a rough weekend but the shows were worth the meltdowns. Concerts make me feel alive, make me feel real. You gave me that and I’m really grateful.
Category: autism, depression, emotions, event, meltdowns, mental health Tagged: actuallyautistic, anxiety, asd, ashley frangipane, autism, autism in girls, autism in women, autism spectrum disorder, autistic, autistic adult, autistic meltdown, autistic meltdowns, badlands, concert, depression, halsey, hfk tour, hfktour, hopeless fountain kingdom, hopeless fountain kingdom tour, live music, london, meltdown, meltdowns
Posted on December 16, 2017
Since I’m a songwriter first, last, and always, I thought I’d pull together some of my favourite songs this year as a sort of send off for 2017. So here goes, in no particular order:
I first heard this song last year when I went to Nashville for the first time (but it came out this year and I’ve played it a lot since then). I was there for the Tin Pan South songwriting festival and there were so many shows to go to but someone told me that, out of everybody there, I had to see Travis Meadows. So I did and I was blown away. In my opinion, he’s one of the greatest songwriters out there and I was transfixed by every song, as was everyone else in the room. And when I went back to Nashville this year, I made sure to get to his show. The chorus of this song speaks to me so deeply. You push something down and it comes out in ways you never expected and bitter thoughts do carve highways in the person you’re trying to become.
If I could buy myself a conscience that wasn’t broken
Mend every fence I drove my hard head through
Re-lock all the doors I wish I never opened
Unlearn the things I wish I never knew
And it came out through the bottle
It came out through my fists
It came out way too early
I wish it never did
Push it down, it comes out sideways
Push it down, it comes out sideways
Bitter roads turn into highways
Push it down it comes out sideways
This is another song that came out last year but I didn’t get around to listening to it until this year. During my teenage years Lauren Aquilina was one of my most listened to artists but that was a really tough time and I wasn’t super eager to jump back into all those associated emotions. I planned to listen to her album eventually; I was just waiting until I felt ready. And then I found out that she was playing a songwriters’ circle at my uni, the same one I was scheduled to play. It felt like the universe was telling me something so I listened to the album and fell in love. It sounds like the whole thing was written about the same person in one evening, to me at least. I love it. I love every song but I really love this one. Just because you’re doing the right thing doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Also, I’m a sucker for half time drums. Since hearing this song for the first time, I’ve met Lauren, played a songwriters’ circle with her, and written a song with her, and she is as lovely as I’d hoped she’d be.
People break each other’s hearts
In their individual ways
You broke mine clean in half
When you let me stay
You made me feel so exposed
Asked for the feelings I held close
And I gave them away
I knew this was coming from day one
This was never love, it was chaos
I was right, but I’ve never wanted to be so wrong
I loved this song from the moment I heard it. It was the song I didn’t know I needed. Moving on is hard but songs like this one make it easier. Kalie is super sweet and played it for me when I finally made it to a Song Suffragettes’ show in Nashville. That meant a lot to me. I’ve managed to get to a couple of their shows now and they’re all amazing songwriters. I can’t wait to go back.
Sun’s always gonna set in the west
Lipsticks and convertibles look better in red
And the best songs are three chords and the truth
But that ain’t nothin’ new
‘Cause ever since the beginning
Since the world started spinning, oh
It’s just a matter of fact
Girls want boys that don’t want them back
I’m just being honest, don’t matter what you call it, oh
The sun still shines, the sky’s still blue
You don’t want me, and I love you
But that ain’t nothin’ new
That ain’t nothin’ new
I know this song came out last year but it’s been on repeat all year; me and my writing partner listened to this album in so many sessions, for inspiration and just because we love it. I saw her perform three times this year, at Country2Country and twice on her UK tour, and she was absolutely incredible. I even got to meet her and she is so, so lovely. She is one of my favourite songwriters and one of my favourite singers, probably ever. This is a song I listen to when I need a boost and it delivers every time.
An airplane’s only paper ’til it finds a breeze
But don’t you know that it’s the low that makes the high so sweet?
When they try to break, break, break you
That’s when you get your break, break, breakthrough
You can’t forget about me
While you weren’t lookin’ I was gettin’ even higher
Say what you want about me
Your words are gasoline on my fire
You can hate me, underestimate me
Do what you do cause what you do don’t phase me
Just when you think I’m at the end
Any second I’ma catch my second wind
When Natalie announced she was releasing an album, I literally shrieked. I was so excited and the album exceeded all my expectations. It reminds me of hazy summers and nostalgia and Nashville. I was listening to it as I flew in when I went back in March and it’s now forever tied to those memories. I got to see her play a songwriters’ round while I was there and she played this song. I also got to meet her afterwards; she signed my songwriting book and I got to tell her that she is one of the songwriters I most want to write with one day. I’m heading back to Nashville in March… A girl can dream.
Oh, this town still talks about you
Like you never left
Hidden sounds in cracked sidewalks and the church pews
How could we forget?
You were so loved, you were one of our own
And it’s never been the same since you’ve been gone
Oh, this town still talks about you
I loved the Badlands album so I was so excited for Hopeless Fountain Kingdom. It took me a while to get into the latter but I think that’s because there’s just so much in it; I was completely overwhelmed to start with. I think it’s the kind of album that you have to immerse yourself in to get the best listening experience. I love the rawness of the emotion in this song and some of the lyrics cut so deep. Because the production is so layered and so all encompassing in many of her songs, I think that people sometimes forget or get distracted from what a great songwriter she is; even the songs that I would call my least favourites on the album – emotionally, stylistically, whatever – still have my songwriter brain going, “That’s so cool! That’s so clever!” I love the way she uses little details to create such vivid pictures.
You said I’m
Too much to handle
You said I
Shine too bright
I burnt the candle
Flew too high
Gotta wake up, gotta wake up
Gotta wake up, gotta wake up
Gotta wake up, come back to life
Gotta wake up, gotta wake up
Gotta wake up, gotta wake up
Gotta wake up, come back to life
Charlotte is one of my very best friends in the world and she’s an awesome singersongwriter so there was no way I wouldn’t include one of her songs in this list. She’s released two singles this year and there’s another one in the works but this one holds special memories for me. I remember sitting in her room in Nashville, listening to her talk about this song idea she’d had, hearing the first draft in class, and then counting down the minutes to its release with her. It’s my favourite of hers because I relate to it so strongly, to the confusion and distress when someone abandons you without explanation. But it’s also about taking back the power and moving forward, bravely and deliberately. Since this song’s release, I’ve been more involved with her project, writing bits and pieces for her press releases and I feel so honoured and grateful to be on this journey with her.
He’s tired of my blue eyes and the chase
I became a fierce sea in his place
I’m thunder, he was the rain
I hold onto my heart as it aches
Warm up from the chill he creates
There’s more to me than this pain
People play pretend, they change
Their minds, we’re all the same
I didn’t plan on this, it’s fine, just go
Did I become someone you couldn’t love
Did I become something you couldn’t love
Couldn’t love, couldn’t love
Couldn’t love, couldn’t love, oh
Is there a part of me that was not enough
A part you found, a part that you couldn’t love
Couldn’t love, couldn’t love
Couldn’t love, couldn’t love, oh
Another ‘old’ one but I couldn’t leave this one out. This year, I hit the lowest point I’ve ever been and for a while, I was so depressed that I couldn’t listen to music. I’ve only had that experience a couple of times but it’s always excruciating. But when I start to come out of it, Sara Bareilles is my go to, especially this song. It sounds as fragile as I feel but it has the hope that I need to keep going. Many of Sara’s songs have marked important moments in my life, both good and bad, and I’m grateful for that (one of the best moments of my life was when she dedicated her song ‘Uncharted’ to me during a show). She is one of my all time favourite singers, one of my all time songwriters, and I’m endlessly inspired by her.
She’s imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine
It’s not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it’s all true
And now I’ve got you
And you’re not what I asked for
If I’m honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew
I’ve loved Rachel Platten since ‘Fight Song’ so I was very excited for her to release more music (although I don’t think anything could beat out ‘Fight Song’ for the number one spot). When this song came out, I listened to it all the time, especially when I had to do something that made me anxious. It gave me a boost emotionally and made me feel invincible, much like ‘Fight Song’ did when I first heard it. I love the confidence and the surety in this song. Although ‘Fight Song’ had a similarly empowering message, something about it sounded like it had something to prove. ‘Broken Glass’ has moved on from that; this song doesn’t need to prove anything and I love that.
So I bet on me and my own heartbeat
When all the odds are piling
Like bricks around my feet
You know, you know it’s more than
More than just for me
You know it’s worth it
I still believe, yeah
I’m gonna dance on broken glass, on broken glass
And I’m gonna make that ceiling crash, that ceiling crash
So what? Still got knives in my back
So what? So I’m tied to the tracks
I’m gonna dance on broken glass
And here I go, ya here I go
Yeah here I go, here I go
And here I go, here I go
I get major songwriting envy when it comes to Kelsea Ballerini. I know that we all have different styles but damn, I wish I could write like her. I swear she manages to fit more words into a song than anyone else and that makes for a beautifully detailed world in every song. I love this one for its sense of acceptance, for its pure you-and-me-against-the-world-ness. I also love the way it blends pop and country together. I think there’s something really special about the way country writers write pop songs.
We were golden, we were fire, we were magic
Yeah, and they all knew our names all over town
We had it made in the middle of the madness
We were neon in a grey crowd
Yeah, we wrote our own story
Full of blood, sweat, and heartbeats
We didn’t do it for the fame or the glory
But we went down in history
Yeah, we were legends
Loving you baby, it was heaven
What everyone wondered, we never questioned
Closed our eyes and took on the world together
Do you remember?
We were crazy, tragic and epic, and so amazing
I’ll always wear the crown that you gave me
We will always stay lost in forever, and they’ll remember
We were legends
Of course there was going to be a Taylor song on this list. Taylor Swift is one of my all time favourite people. I was beyond excited for the new album and I fell in love with this song from the first listen. It’s like a full-length movie fitted into four minutes; the detail is exquisite. I love the journey, the emotion, the energy. It reminds me of ‘Out of the Woods’ from the 1989 album. I think it’s one of her best songs from a songwriting perspective and every time I listen to it, I hear more layers, both in the production and in the lyrics. I want to write a song that complex and cohesive one day. I also love the ‘Making of a Song’ video for this song because that’s how I write songs. I love how excited she gets when they finish writing the bridge; I’m exactly the same.
It was the great escape, the prison break
The light of freedom on my face
But you weren’t thinking
And I was just drinking
Well, he was running after us, I was screaming, ‘Go, go, go!’
But with three of us, honey, it’s a sideshow
And a circus ain’t a love story
And now we’re both sorry (we’re both sorry)
X marks the spot, where we fell apart
He poisoned the well, every man for himself
I knew it from the first old fashioned, we were cursed
It hit you like a shotgun shot to the heart
You were driving the getaway car
We were flying, but we’d never get far
Don’t pretend it’s such a mystery
Think about the place where you first met me
We’re riding in a getaway car
There were sirens in the beat of your heart
Should’ve known I’d be the first to leave
Think about the place where you first met me
In a getaway car
No, they never get far
No, nothing good starts in a getaway car
Not from this year but I only discovered it recently. I know Nadine from university and I love her music but this one is really special. I feel like it’s talking directly to me and encouraging me forward, and I know I’m not the only one who feels that way. When I listen to it, especially when I’m in the fragile place I am at the moment, it gives me hope and makes me feel like I will get through all the hard stuff. It reminds me to trust myself and I’ve really needed that.
You’ve wasted hours
Knocking on iron doors
Maintained your head and heart
You know, he can’t be yours now
Now run, my soul
From regrets too old
Be strong, be bold
Let new ways unfold
Now your cheeks turn back to colour
As you’re blinking in the sun
In time you will recover
I can see new life’s begun
Spring will come
There are so many songs I wanted to put on this list but if I wrote about all of them, we’d still be here at the end of 2018. So I’ll stop. But this has been really fun. I hope you enjoyed it too. What were your songs of 2017?
Category: holidays, music Tagged: 2017, 2017 in songs, 2018, charlotte black, favourites, friends, halsey, kalie shorr, kelsea ballerini, lauren aquilina, maren morris, music, NADINE, nashville, natalie hemby, new year, rachel platten, sara bareilles, singer, singersongwriter, song suffragettes, songs, songwriter, songwriting, taylor swift, travis meadows
Hey! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder, as well as a number of mental health issues. I’m also a singer-songwriter so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is now available on iTunes and Spotify, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.