2017 in Songs

Since I’m a songwriter first, last, and always, I thought I’d pull together some of my favourite songs this year as a sort of send off for 2017. So here goes, in no particular order:


  1. Sideways by Travis Meadows

I first heard this song last year when I went to Nashville for the first time (but it came out this year and I’ve played it a lot since then). I was there for the Tin Pan South songwriting festival and there were so many shows to go to but someone told me that, out of everybody there, I had to see Travis Meadows. So I did and I was blown away. In my opinion, he’s one of the greatest songwriters out there and I was transfixed by every song, as was everyone else in the room. And when I went back to Nashville this year, I made sure to get to his show. The chorus of this song speaks to me so deeply. You push something down and it comes out in ways you never expected and bitter thoughts do carve highways in the person you’re trying to become.

If I could buy myself a conscience that wasn’t broken 

Mend every fence I drove my hard head through 

Re-lock all the doors I wish I never opened 

Unlearn the things I wish I never knew 

And it came out through the bottle

It came out through my fists

It came out way too early

I wish it never did

 

Push it down, it comes out sideways

Push it down, it comes out sideways

Bitter roads turn into highways

Push it down it comes out sideways


  1. Hurt Any Less by Lauren Aquilina

This is another song that came out last year but I didn’t get around to listening to it until this year. During my teenage years Lauren Aquilina was one of my most listened to artists but that was a really tough time and I wasn’t super eager to jump back into all those associated emotions. I planned to listen to her album eventually; I was just waiting until I felt ready. And then I found out that she was playing a songwriters’ circle at my uni, the same one I was scheduled to play. It felt like the universe was telling me something so I listened to the album and fell in love. It sounds like the whole thing was written about the same person in one evening, to me at least. I love it. I love every song but I really love this one. Just because you’re doing the right thing doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Also, I’m a sucker for half time drums. Since hearing this song for the first time, I’ve met Lauren, played a songwriters’ circle with her, and written a song with her, and she is as lovely as I’d hoped she’d be.

People break each other’s hearts

In their individual ways

You broke mine clean in half

When you let me stay

You made me feel so exposed

Asked for the feelings I held close

And I gave them away

 

I knew this was coming from day one

This was never love, it was chaos

I was right, but I’ve never wanted to be so wrong


  1. Nothin’ New by Kalie Shorr

I loved this song from the moment I heard it. It was the song I didn’t know I needed. Moving on is hard but songs like this one make it easier. Kalie is super sweet and played it for me when I finally made it to a Song Suffragettes’ show in Nashville. That meant a lot to me. I’ve managed to get to a couple of their shows now and they’re all amazing songwriters. I can’t wait to go back.

Sun’s always gonna set in the west

Lipsticks and convertibles look better in red

And the best songs are three chords and the truth

But that ain’t nothin’ new

 

‘Cause ever since the beginning

Since the world started spinning, oh

It’s just a matter of fact

Girls want boys that don’t want them back

I’m just being honest, don’t matter what you call it, oh

The sun still shines, the sky’s still blue

You don’t want me, and I love you

But that ain’t nothin’ new

That ain’t nothin’ new


  1. Second Wind by Maren Morris

I know this song came out last year but it’s been on repeat all year; me and my writing partner listened to this album in so many sessions, for inspiration and just because we love it. I saw her perform three times this year, at Country2Country and twice on her UK tour, and she was absolutely incredible. I even got to meet her and she is so, so lovely. She is one of my favourite songwriters and one of my favourite singers, probably ever. This is a song I listen to when I need a boost and it delivers every time.

An airplane’s only paper ’til it finds a breeze

But don’t you know that it’s the low that makes the high so sweet?

When they try to break, break, break you

That’s when you get your break, break, breakthrough

 

You can’t forget about me

While you weren’t lookin’ I was gettin’ even higher

Say what you want about me

Your words are gasoline on my fire

You can hate me, underestimate me

Do what you do cause what you do don’t phase me

Just when you think I’m at the end

Any second I’ma catch my second wind


  1. This Town Still Talks About You by Natalie Hemby

When Natalie announced she was releasing an album, I literally shrieked. I was so excited and the album exceeded all my expectations. It reminds me of hazy summers and nostalgia and Nashville. I was listening to it as I flew in when I went back in March and it’s now forever tied to those memories. I got to see her play a songwriters’ round while I was there and she played this song. I also got to meet her afterwards; she signed my songwriting book and I got to tell her that she is one of the songwriters I most want to write with one day. I’m heading back to Nashville in March… A girl can dream.

Oh, this town still talks about you

Like you never left

Hidden sounds in cracked sidewalks and the church pews

How could we forget?

You were so loved, you were one of our own

And it’s never been the same since you’ve been gone

Oh, this town still talks about you


  1. Devil In Me by Halsey

I loved the Badlands album so I was so excited for Hopeless Fountain Kingdom. It took me a while to get into the latter but I think that’s because there’s just so much in it; I was completely overwhelmed to start with. I think it’s the kind of album that you have to immerse yourself in to get the best listening experience. I love the rawness of the emotion in this song and some of the lyrics cut so deep. Because the production is so layered and so all encompassing in many of her songs, I think that people sometimes forget or get distracted from what a great songwriter she is; even the songs that I would call my least favourites on the album – emotionally, stylistically, whatever – still have my songwriter brain going, “That’s so cool! That’s so clever!” I love the way she uses little details to create such vivid pictures.

You said I’m

Too much to handle

You said I

Shine too bright

I burnt the candle

Flew too high

 

Gotta wake up, gotta wake up

Gotta wake up, gotta wake up

Gotta wake up, come back to life

Gotta wake up, gotta wake up

Gotta wake up, gotta wake up

Gotta wake up, come back to life


  1. Someone You Couldn’t Love by Charlotte Black

Charlotte is one of my very best friends in the world and she’s an awesome singersongwriter so there was no way I wouldn’t include one of her songs in this list. She’s released two singles this year and there’s another one in the works but this one holds special memories for me. I remember sitting in her room in Nashville, listening to her talk about this song idea she’d had, hearing the first draft in class, and then counting down the minutes to its release with her. It’s my favourite of hers because I relate to it so strongly, to the confusion and distress when someone abandons you without explanation. But it’s also about taking back the power and moving forward, bravely and deliberately. Since this song’s release, I’ve been more involved with her project, writing bits and pieces for her press releases and I feel so honoured and grateful to be on this journey with her.

He’s tired of my blue eyes and the chase

I became a fierce sea in his place

I’m thunder, he was the rain

I hold onto my heart as it aches

Warm up from the chill he creates

There’s more to me than this pain

 

People play pretend, they change

Their minds, we’re all the same

I didn’t plan on this, it’s fine, just go

 

Did I become someone you couldn’t love

Did I become something you couldn’t love

Couldn’t love, couldn’t love

Couldn’t love, couldn’t love, oh

Is there a part of me that was not enough

A part you found, a part that you couldn’t love

Couldn’t love, couldn’t love

Couldn’t love, couldn’t love, oh


  1. She Used To Be Mine by Sara Bareilles

 Another ‘old’ one but I couldn’t leave this one out. This year, I hit the lowest point I’ve ever been and for a while, I was so depressed that I couldn’t listen to music. I’ve only had that experience a couple of times but it’s always excruciating. But when I start to come out of it, Sara Bareilles is my go to, especially this song. It sounds as fragile as I feel but it has the hope that I need to keep going. Many of Sara’s songs have marked important moments in my life, both good and bad, and I’m grateful for that (one of the best moments of my life was when she dedicated her song ‘Uncharted’ to me during a show). She is one of my all time favourite singers, one of my all time songwriters, and I’m endlessly inspired by her.

She’s imperfect but she tries

She is good but she lies

She is hard on herself

She is broken and won’t ask for help

She is messy but she’s kind

She is lonely most of the time

She is all of this mixed up

And baked in a beautiful pie

She is gone but she used to be mine

 

It’s not what I asked for

Sometimes life just slips in through a back door

And carves out a person

And makes you believe it’s all true

And now I’ve got you

And you’re not what I asked for

If I’m honest I know I would give it all back

For a chance to start over

And rewrite an ending or two

For the girl that I knew


  1. Broken Glass by Rachel Platten

I’ve loved Rachel Platten since ‘Fight Song’ so I was very excited for her to release more music (although I don’t think anything could beat out ‘Fight Song’ for the number one spot). When this song came out, I listened to it all the time, especially when I had to do something that made me anxious. It gave me a boost emotionally and made me feel invincible, much like ‘Fight Song’ did when I first heard it. I love the confidence and the surety in this song. Although ‘Fight Song’ had a similarly empowering message, something about it sounded like it had something to prove. ‘Broken Glass’ has moved on from that; this song doesn’t need to prove anything and I love that.

So I bet on me and my own heartbeat

When all the odds are piling

Like bricks around my feet

You know, you know it’s more than

More than just for me

You know it’s worth it

I still believe, yeah

 

I’m gonna dance on broken glass, on broken glass

And I’m gonna make that ceiling crash, that ceiling crash

So what? Still got knives in my back

So what? So I’m tied to the tracks

I’m gonna dance on broken glass

And here I go, ya here I go

Yeah here I go, here I go

And here I go, here I go


  1. Legends by Kelsea Ballerini

I get major songwriting envy when it comes to Kelsea Ballerini. I know that we all have different styles but damn, I wish I could write like her. I swear she manages to fit more words into a song than anyone else and that makes for a beautifully detailed world in every song. I love this one for its sense of acceptance, for its pure you-and-me-against-the-world-ness. I also love the way it blends pop and country together. I think there’s something really special about the way country writers write pop songs.

We were golden, we were fire, we were magic

Yeah, and they all knew our names all over town

We had it made in the middle of the madness

We were neon in a grey crowd

Yeah, we wrote our own story

Full of blood, sweat, and heartbeats

We didn’t do it for the fame or the glory

But we went down in history

 

Yeah, we were legends

Loving you baby, it was heaven

What everyone wondered, we never questioned

Closed our eyes and took on the world together

Do you remember?

We were crazy, tragic and epic, and so amazing

I’ll always wear the crown that you gave me

We will always stay lost in forever, and they’ll remember

We were legends


  1. Getaway Car by Taylor Swift

Of course there was going to be a Taylor song on this list. Taylor Swift is one of my all time favourite people. I was beyond excited for the new album and I fell in love with this song from the first listen. It’s like a full-length movie fitted into four minutes; the detail is exquisite. I love the journey, the emotion, the energy. It reminds me of ‘Out of the Woods’ from the 1989 album. I think it’s one of her best songs from a songwriting perspective and every time I listen to it, I hear more layers, both in the production and in the lyrics. I want to write a song that complex and cohesive one day. I also love the ‘Making of a Song’ video for this song because that’s how I write songs. I love how excited she gets when they finish writing the bridge; I’m exactly the same.

It was the great escape, the prison break

The light of freedom on my face

But you weren’t thinking

And I was just drinking

Well, he was running after us, I was screaming, ‘Go, go, go!’

But with three of us, honey, it’s a sideshow

And a circus ain’t a love story

And now we’re both sorry (we’re both sorry)

 

X marks the spot, where we fell apart

He poisoned the well, every man for himself

I knew it from the first old fashioned, we were cursed

It hit you like a shotgun shot to the heart

 

You were driving the getaway car

We were flying, but we’d never get far

Don’t pretend it’s such a mystery

Think about the place where you first met me

We’re riding in a getaway car

There were sirens in the beat of your heart

Should’ve known I’d be the first to leave

Think about the place where you first met me

In a getaway car

No, they never get far

No, nothing good starts in a getaway car


  1. Spring Will Come by NADINE

Not from this year but I only discovered it recently. I know Nadine from university and I love her music but this one is really special. I feel like it’s talking directly to me and encouraging me forward, and I know I’m not the only one who feels that way. When I listen to it, especially when I’m in the fragile place I am at the moment, it gives me hope and makes me feel like I will get through all the hard stuff. It reminds me to trust myself and I’ve really needed that.

You’ve wasted hours

Knocking on iron doors

Maintained your head and heart

You know, he can’t be yours now

 

Now run, my soul

From regrets too old

Be strong, be bold

Let new ways unfold

 

Now your cheeks turn back to colour

As you’re blinking in the sun

In time you will recover

I can see new life’s begun

Spring will come


There are so many songs I wanted to put on this list but if I wrote about all of them, we’d still be here at the end of 2018. So I’ll stop. But this has been really fun. I hope you enjoyed it too. What were your songs of 2017?

BPD and Feeling Abandoned

Feeling abandoned is a big thing when it comes to Borderline Personality Disorder. And events as everyday as someone not immediately responding to a text can trigger that feeling. The smallest slight can be incredibly upsetting and anything bigger can feel devastating. It’s never ending and exhausting. And with the fear of being abandoned hanging over you, relationships (of any kind) can be very stressful. They can feel like a waiting game, wondering how long it will take for the other person to give up on you.

As someone with BPD, I feel emotions very strongly and when something upsetting happens, it feels like I’ve been hit by a massive wave and it’s all I can do to find my way back to the surface. The emotion overwhelms me and there’s no room for logical reasoning. It doesn’t matter what else is going on; all my energy is taken up trying to process all of that feeling. It can take weeks to recover and I feel more fragile each time.

And what makes it more difficult is the fact that it’s not completely irrational; there is ‘evidence’ to support the fear. People have abandoned me in the past, both voluntarily and involuntarily, so whenever I try and talk myself out of the panic, my BPD lays out all these examples, ‘proving’ to me that I will always be abandoned. It’s an exhausting cycle.

I’m not going to go through my history of feeling abandoned, example-by-example, but there is one experience that I want to share. I think it’s too important to leave out. A few years ago, someone really important to me cut ties when I was in the lowest place I’d ever been (something they were aware of). I felt completely abandoned and it had a massive impact on my mental health and view of the world. I was so hurt and so confused and for a long time, those emotions overwhelmed everything. I felt broken. But slowly, that weight lifted. It took two years but I’m finally free of it. And that’s amazing. But it’s not the end of it. That experience has affected me, especially when it comes to my relationships and my anxiety around them. And like I said, it’s hard to talk myself out of that fear when I feel like I’m about to go through all that again.

I’ve wanted to write about this for a while but I wasn’t sure how to frame it, if that makes any sense. But a conversation with one of my best friends brought all of this to the surface.

So let me tell you a story:

One of my best friends had just come back from a trip to the US and was desperate to go back. I was in a pretty fragile place already (dealing with another situation where I felt like I was being abandoned) and watching her plan her next trip abroad felt a lot like she was abandoning me. I didn’t want to say anything and I felt guilty for feeling the way I did: she was building her career and she was so excited and here I was, wanting her to stay. But in the end, I had to say something. We’ve always talked everything through so, even though I was terrified of sounding needy and pathetic, I reached out and told her how I was feeling. She knows a lot about my mental health difficulties so I told her how I struggle with feeling abandoned and that I might need some extra reassurance around her upcoming trip.

(I want to add that although it might sound easy, it wasn’t. Part of me – a big part of me – was convinced that expressing these feelings would be the ‘final straw’ and that she would abandon me on the spot, that I had finally become too much to deal with. This is something that I think is often misunderstood about BPD. This reaction is not because of the other person; it’s because of the BPD. The other person could be the most reliable person in the world. It doesn’t matter. It’s the BPD telling you that everyone will leave, that you’re not enough to make the other person stick around. So defying that and telling my friend how I felt was very, very scary.)

And this is the important bit: how my friend reacted. Instead of telling me I was being ridiculous or brushing off my request, she responded compassionately. She told me not to feel pathetic or guilty, that she understood why I was feeling the way I was. She asked me how she could help, and said that she would do whatever she could to make it easier for me. She said, “I am not going to leave you.”

It was such a relief that I burst into tears. It meant (and still does mean) so much to me. She validated my feelings, asked me what she could do, and gave me the reassurance I needed. I wish everyone responded this way. Perhaps ironically for a condition with such close links to invalidation, these feelings often get written off as being oversensitive or overdramatic. And in my experience, that only makes it worse. Things are better now that the important people in my life understand where these feelings come from; before the diagnosis, the only explanation was that I was very sensitive and therefore needed to ‘toughen up’. It was a fault. And that’s what I thought too. But now that we understand it, we know how to handle it, how to approach it.

I will likely need to hear this again and again to combat my fear of being abandoned but that doesn’t minimise the importance of this moment. As I’ve said, change is a series of moments like these, moments I hold very close, like charms on a charm bracelet.

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