Goals For 2020

So the 19 for 2019 was probably overambitious, especially considering the instability of my mental health. I just didn’t realise how fragile it really was until it crashed. A lot of this year is going to be about looking after and rebuilding my mental health. So this year, I’m going for something a little gentler: a handful of goals that aren’t super specific. They’re more about trying than achieving.

GET BACK TO SWIMMING – For a year, I swam almost everyday and I loved it. It made me feel really good in my body. But then the depression, the medication side effects, the fatigue, and the meltdowns all made that impossible. I was either too unwell or too physically weak. But I really miss it. It wasn’t possible during the first semester of my Masters (my anxiety was so high and I was having so many meltdowns that I just didn’t have the energy) and I’ve spent the holidays working on my assignments but I’m optimistic that this next semester will be a bit gentler and I’ll  have the time and energy to start building the swimming in again.

START WEARING MY INVISIBLE BRACES AGAIN – Again, I did really well at this for a while but the mental health crash derailed it and it was just one thing too much. I was going through so much during the day that pressure in my face during the night was just more than I could take. But my teeth haven’t completely regressed so at least I’m not starting from the beginning. I’m wearing them again and it’s uncomfortable and hard but I’m trying my best to focus on the end goal: straight teeth that make me feel confident when I smile.

COMPLETE YEAR 1 OF MY MASTERS DEGREE – Because of the way the part time course is set up, I only have one more semester this academic year and from what I understand of it, it shouldn’t cause me the same levels of anxiety as the last one, as much as I enjoyed it. I’m also kind of looking forward to the assessment because it’s an essay where you can write about anything music related. How cool is that?! All the possibilities! And that’s year one done so all things going well, that should be possible. I’m cautiously optimistic.

CONSUME NEW MEDIA RATHER THAN JUST FAMILIAR MEDIA – With all the mental health stuff, it’s been hard to engage with anything that isn’t safe and comforting. It’s been especially difficult in the last few months when my OCD has been so bad, because it’s hard to concentrate on something new when I’m trying to write everything down. I’m going to be working on that specifically but also my mental health in general this year so hopefully those needs won’t take up so much time, leaving some time for watching, reading, and listening to new things.

GET BACK TO THERAPY AND FOCUS ON MY MENTAL HEALTH – I only went to therapy sporadically in the second half of the year last year because my therapist and I couldn’t get our schedules to match up and because of certain things going on in our lives and although I don’t yet know my timetable for the new semester, we (me, my Mum, and my therapist) are all determined – furiously so – to make it work because I really need the support. Things have gotten really bad and I really, really need the support.

WORK ON NOT COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS IN MUSIC – This is probably the hardest one and a lot of the time, it feels unbearable to even think about. While I need to work on not comparing myself to others in general – in all situations – I figure that’s too big a task for such a difficult feeling so I just picked one area. Music has always been my happy place and I want it to stay (or go back to being or something) my happy place and it’s not, when I look at other artists and feel lost and sad and lonely and angry and bitter. So I want to work out – probably with therapy – how to focus on me and not worry about other artists beyond a practical, objective sense. This feels really, really hard so I don’t know if I’ll manage it in a year or whether I’ll even manage to start but I want to so I’m trying to think about it and figure out a place to start because I don’t want to feel all of these things. I want my happy place back.

So these are my goals for this year. It’s difficult to really even think about things like this at the moment because everything feels so, so hard that I just feel overwhelmed. I feel like everything chips off pieces of me and at twenty five, I shouldn’t feel so small. I shouldn’t feel like there’s so little left of me. I’m struggling and I don’t know how to keep going and I don’t know what to do and a big part of me wants to just give up but I don’t know how. How do you give up? Because life just keeps going on without you. I guess that’s why my main goal this year is my mental health because I don’t know what to do anymore.

Some of the Little Things

I was looking back through the blog and I realised that you guys are getting all these big things in my life without really knowing much about me. I struggle with all things identity (which is a big thing for people with BPD) but I’m trying. I’m trying to figure myself out. I know little things, like favourite films and TV shows or whatever, but when it comes to who I am as a person, I feel very unsure. I’ll write more about that at some point but, for the moment, here are some of the little things:

  • I don’t drink tea or coffee.
  • My favourite books are The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, Finding Home by Cecilia Knapp (although that was a show first), The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, Sounds Like Me by Sara Bareilles, and the Tomorrow When The War Began series by John Marsden. Oh, and I really enjoyed Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert.
  • When I was twelve, I wrote a twenty thousand word story. It’s still on the hard drive of my computer.
  • I play guitar and piano, not super well but enough to write and accompany myself.
  • I love strawberry milkshakes.
  • My favourite colour totally depends on my mood but I will probably always love blue the most.
  • As a kid, I was obsessed with history, especially Ancient Egypt.
  • I really want to see the Northern Lights.
  • One of my all time favourite songs is ‘Wish You Were Here’ by Pink Floyd.
  • My favourite place in the UK is Norfolk and my favourite place outside the UK is Nashville, but I also loved Australia and New Zealand.
  • My favourite subjects at school were Maths, History, and Psychology.
  • I love Harry Potter and it was a huge part of my childhood. I read the last book in less than two days. My favourite book is Order of the Phoenix and my favourite film is probably Prisoner of Azkaban or Half Blood Prince. And whenever I had exams, I’d put them on in the background while I was revising. When I first signed up to Pottermore, I was sorted into Ravenclaw but I forgot the password and it was an old email address so I had to sign up again and I was sorted into Slytherin. And when I took an online quiz, it said I was equally all the houses so who knows.
  • Puns are my favourite type of humour.
  • I’ve never broken a bone, although I have cracked a rib.
  • My favourite movies are Cloud Atlas, Tomorrow When The War Began, I Robot, Nausicaa, and The Fault in Our Stars. And Arrival.
  • I love swimming.
  • I don’t think I’ve ever been in love but I have had my heart broken.
  • I’m fascinated by space and the universe.
  • I’m a big TV show person and I love Agents of Shield, Supergirl, Criminal Minds, Reign, Scott and Bailey, Fringe, Orphan Black, Nikita, Sanctuary, Stargate SG-1, Law and Order SVU, and Stalker. I have also enjoyed Doctor Who, Torchwood, Spooks, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, and Glee.
  • I love the musical Wicked and my favourite Elphaba is Willemijn Verkaik.
  • I’m terrified of going to the dentist.
  • I’ve always loved animals and my dog and cat make me so, so happy.
  • I have a degree in Songwriting.
  • I was born in London.
  • Amanda Tapping is my hero and I’ve been lucky enough to meet her. She is the loveliest human being alive.
  • I listen to a lot of different music but my absolute favourites are Taylor Swift, Sara Bareilles, Against Me!, Halsey, OneRepublic, Maren Morris, Lauren Aquilina, and Natalie Hemby. There are lots more but that could take a while.

So now you know a bit more about me. Hopefully this gives a little context to all the other stuff I post.