Finding HopeContinuing Bonds (National Grief Awareness Week 2023)
Posted on December 5, 2023
This week, from 2nd to 8th December, is National Grief Awareness Week 2023, run by The Good Grief Trust. The goal of the week is to create opportunities for people to discuss the loved ones they’ve lost and their experiences with grief in safe spaces and with people who’ve gone through similar events and emotions. After all, it is often easier to talk about difficult things with people who can relate. The organisation encourages people to put on events and arrange group meet ups during the week – online or in person – providing that safe space to talk.
For my part, I thought I’d share something that had a really big impact on my experience of grief, a line of thinking known as the Continuing Bonds Theory of Grief…
When I was thirteen, my Dad died very suddenly. He’d lived with a chronic illness for years but he developed pneumonia and quickly deteriorated (there’s a lot more to this story but I don’t think the post is big enough for all of it and it would distract from the point I want to make – maybe I’ll come back to that another time). Initially I scrambled for ways to remember him, still in a haze of shock and disbelief: I kept candles lit; I wrote letters to him; I bought the CDs of the music we listened to in the car. But after a while, that just hurt too much and I pushed all of those things away. And it was a combination of that, the lack of casual reminders (since I didn’t live with him and therefore didn’t have anything of his around me), and the fact that my family didn’t really know how to talk about what had happened, that resulted in a strange strange period of my life where… it wasn’t that we pretended he never existed; we just seemed to move around the metaphorical empty space with such focus that we didn’t even think about what we were dancing around. And that’s just how things were, from my perspective at least.
For a long time – for years – I didn’t talk about any of it: how much I missed him, how much it hurt, how disconnected I felt. I didn’t know how. I also avoided anything that reminded me of him. It wasn’t until I was in my early-to-mid twenties that I started to willingly – if cautiously – engage with the things that reminded me of him. I rewatched Hot Fuzz, a film we watched together (interesting choice, Dad); I reached out to a friend of his in the hope of getting answers to some of my long held questions; I even started to explore with the world of superheroes that he loved so much. I rewatched the Fantastic Four movies, the second of which we saw in the cinema together (plus there’s definitely a resemblance between Ioan Gruffudd, who plays Reed Richards, and my Dad so I do sometimes see Dad in some of the other characters he’s played, like Daniel Harrow in Harrow). I also watched Teen Titans from the beginning, an animated TV show that we had watched together on Saturdays and spent hours discussing, from the characters and their powers, to the storylines, to the silliest of jokes. All of those have remained special to me and after revisiting them, I moved further into that world. I watched films and TV shows that we most likely would’ve watched together and then endlessly discussed: I watched Supergirl (and I feel certain that he would’ve agreed with me that Season 1 was the strongest, when it was on CBS); we would’ve watched the new Fantastic Four movie and discussed the differences between it and the earlier ones; I would’ve nagged him until he watched Sanctuary with me and, when I inevitably adored Amanda Tapping (and he did too), we would’ve watched the entirety of Stargate SG-1 as well and he would’ve been the one to come to conventions with me (and I can absolutely imagine us dressing up); we would’ve gone to see Wonder Woman as soon as it came out in cinemas, her being my favourite DC character as a kid; we would’ve seen each of the Marvel movies and afterwards we would’ve compared favourite scenes before ultimately complaining how complicated the franchise was getting with every new film; and, most importantly to me, we would’ve watched Agents of SHIELD and Dad would’ve watched as the show, and specifically Daisy Johnson, became a new special interest that changed my life. I’ve always felt that superheroes, and the messages in their stories, are his legacy to me and that means a lot to me, even more so since it led me to Daisy. That’s something I will always be beyond grateful for.
Left collage: Teen Titans (top left), Hot Fuzz (top right), Fantastic Four (bottom left), and Justice League (bottom right).
Right collage: Sanctuary (top left), Black Widow (top right), Supergirl (bottom left), and Agents of SHIELD (bottom right).
Alongside this, I’d also started to write songs about what had happened, songs where I talked to him, songs where we had new experiences together. It took a long time to get to that place – I’d been writing songs for about five years before I felt able to do it – but once I did, writing those songs felt almost sacred, regardless of whether or not they were any good when I finished them. It is, of course, my job to put out music and, while there are multiple songs about my Dad that I’m very keen to release when the time is right, that’s never been something I even thought about when writing these songs: they have always been solely for me and my heart and my voice. That is true, to an extent of all my songwriting – I wouldn’t be writing the song in the first place if it wasn’t an expression of something I felt deeply – but there’s a… I’m hesitant to call it this because it’s such a hard feeling to define… a healing element to writing these songs that is just different to anything else I’ve experienced.
It wasn’t until a friend mentioned the theory of Continuing Bonds to me, a passing comment in the thick of university research projects, that I realised that that was exactly what I was doing. Both in engaging with superheroes and in writing songs about him, but especially the latter. From the first song I wrote, a song about feeling frozen by grief, my relationship with him actively continued, a new chapter in our story.
The Continuing Bonds Theory of Grief was developed by Klass, Silverman, and Nickman and laid out in their book, Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief, in 1996. They questioned the existing models of grief that generally considered the process of grieving to be one where you eventually ‘let go’ of the person who has died, where any behaviour that encourages holding on is viewed as unhealthy and potentially harmful; they disagreed with this and proposed a new model where it’s normal and healthy for a person to hold on to and continue their bond with the person who has died, having observed many cases in their research where a continued bond had helped an individual to cope with loss.
Ask anyone who has any experience of grief and they’ll likely tell you that grief doesn’t just end. That’s a simplistic and frankly silly idea; just because a person is no longer physically there doesn’t mean that they no longer matter to you, that your relationship with them no longer impacts your life. Their death doesn’t cut your life into chapters of ‘with them’ and ‘without them.’ Many people consider grief to be a permanent entity but one that evolves, becoming more than just the pain of losing the person. We carry them with us and find ways to bring them into our present; the relationship – the bond – continues.
In my personal experience, it has been far healthier to engage with my memories of him and make art about my feelings than to try and ‘move on,’ to think of my Dad as belonging only to the first thirteen years of my life; I suffered more in the years when I didn’t think about him compared to the years since I started writing about him and to him. Before, there was only grief but now, even though the loss and the grief are still painful, that isn’t all there is. He might not be physically present in my life but he does have a presence: engaging with the things he loved, as well as the things I feel sure he would’ve loved, and writing the songs that keep him alive and here are, in general, really special experiences. As I said, I’d love to release these songs as a project at some point; I think that would be a really lovely way to honour him and could potentially – hopefully – also help other people to cope with their experiences of grief. Maybe it could inspire and encourage others to nurture that continuing bond rather than suppress it. I wonder what amazing, moving art could be made in the process…
Other than making art to connect with a lost loved one, there are many ways to honour that bond between you…
- Talking to your loved one as if they’re still there (Amanda Tapping has talked about how, before her Mum died, they’d have a catch up over the phone as she drove home from work and how, after she died, she continued talking to her Mum as she drove home even though her Mum wasn’t on the phone).
- Writing them a letter or keeping a diary of letters updating them about your life.
- Keeping a little alter dedicated to them with, for example, a photo and candle.
- Choosing a day, such as their birthday, to celebrate their life every year.
- Continue to share memories of them as you meet new people and make new friends.
- Listen to their favourite music, read their favourite books, and/or watch their favourite movies (or any of the former that you shared).
- Going to their favourite places or places you visited together.
- Research and write their memoir.
- Pick up one of their hobbies.
- Have a piece of personalised jewellery made to wear and keep them close.
- Make a memory box or jar.
- Keep something that belonged to them.
- Plant a tree or flowers in their memory.
- Reach out to their friends or family (if appropriate).
- Do something that they would’ve enjoyed had they still been here (like seeing a film they would’ve liked or an event they would’ve enjoyed).
I hope that this week hasn’t stirred up too much distress, not that grief only exists during one week of the year of course. For some people, it can be validating to see so many people talking about grief but I know that it can also be very upsetting to suddenly have your social media feeds flooded with such stark reminders. I hope that, as hard as it may be to think about, that this post has been helpful in some way. The theory of Continuing Bonds – including the practical aspects of it before I knew what I was doing – has had such a big impact on me and I hope that, if it’s something you want, this has given you some ideas for how you might stay connected to your loved one.
September 2023 in Photos
Posted on October 1, 2023
It’s been ages since I did a photo challenge and I’ve always really enjoyed them so I thought it was about time I revisited the practice. So here we are. This is my September, guided by the Planner & Paper photo challenge on Instagram, Life in Pockets…
Day 1 – Wardrobe Change
Given that the weather hasn’t changed yet, my wardrobe hasn’t really changed. It was a really warm day but I don’t like being uncovered: it makes me feel really exposed and vulnerable. I did wear my brown ankle boots, which I don’t usually wear; they’ve been all but living in my wardrobe up until now but I like them too much to let them just gather dust.
Day 3 – Your Choice!
My Mum bought a new toy for the cats and they were big fans, of the catnip at the very least. It wasn’t long before they were all rolling around on the rug, blissed out on catnip. It was very cute. We don’t usually get all of them inside together at this time of year; they’re usually stretched out in the garden, either in the sun or the shade depending on their preference moment to moment. It’s very cute but it was delightful to have them all back in for while, even if only for a little while.
Day 4 – Listening To
I’m obsessed with The Good Witch by Maisie Peters and have been listening to it on repeat since it came out. I absolutely love pretty much all of them – picking a favourite is actually impossible – but I’ve been having a great time singing along to this song, ‘BSC,’ recently. Maybe because there’s a certain person I’ve been talking about in therapy that I’m reminded of when I sing some of the lyrics to this song. I love the chorus: it’s such a true, relatable, hilarious-but-still-kind-of-heartbreaking statement so succinctly put. Her songwriting is SO clever and I always lose my mind over the genius lyrics like, ‘Mister “I don’t want a label” / You made me ‘Little Miss Unstable.” I also absolutely love the bridge: ‘I am unhinged / I am scaling all these walls I’ve gone within / I am both Kathy Bates and Stephen King / I can write you out the way I wrote you in.’ That last line is so empowering and I think that being a writer myself makes me love it even more. ‘I am unhinged’ is just hilarious and so relatable and ‘I am both Kathy Bates and Stephen King’ is so freaking clever. I could honestly talk about these songs for HOURS.
Day 5 – Cozy
I didn’t take a picture for this one but I wanted to include it here because I find it so hilarious. Here in the UK, we’re experiencing a heatwave and oh my god, the idea of cozy is just so far from my mind; all I want is to cool down. I’m melting in this heat. And suffocating in the humidity.
Day 7 – Reading
I started out listening to this book on my phone, passing the time on a long drive, but ended up continuing it in physical form; I prefer physical books to audiobooks for reading but I can’t deny the convenience of audiobooks when in the car or when swimming, for example. I really enjoyed This Is Going to Hurt so I was keen to read Undoctored. So far I’m really enjoying it; I really like the way Adam Kay writes and he’s utterly hilarious.
Day 8 – On The TV
My Mum and I are currently watching the second series of Annika. My whole family LOVES Nicola Walker and I would honestly watch the worst show ever just for her. This certainly isn’t the worst show. It’s pretty lighthearted most of the time with some heavy moments and Nicola Walker’s character, Annika, is hilarious and awkward in a really endearing way. She’s a mess but all of her relationships with her family and friends and colleagues are really lovely and I honestly never want this show to end; it’s really nice to see her play a character who isn’t deeply and consistently traumatised, as most of her characters seem to be. It also seems like a really fun show to be on, which just adds to the enjoyment of it.
Day 10 – Sunday’s Are For…
In theory, I like Sunday to be for collecting myself for the coming week, recuperating, and doing my favourite things. Having said that, I’m usually frantically busy trying to catch up with things from the previous week before they spill into the next week. This Sunday, however, I was able to just dedicate my time to practicing for the show I’m playing on Wednesday and spend time with Izzy, our brand new puppy: playing when she was awake and snuggling as she slept. It was a very pleasant day.
Day 12 – Below
I had no idea what to do for this prompt until we got Izzy. I keep picking her up like this because she’s just so adorable and so chilled out, when she’s sleepy at least. And she looks so ridiculously cute. As she always does. All the time. It’s very distracting.
Day 13 – From Behind
I mean, with ears this spectacular, how could I take a photo of anything else for this prompt?
Day 15 – Boots
My favourite pair of boots, and the ones I wear practically everyday, are Sorel Joan of Arc lace up boots. They’re the same boots that Daisy Johnson in Agents of Shield wears a lot, especially during Season 2. I always thought they looked super cool and the fact that she was wearing them was an added bonus. They’re really comfortable, they look cool, and I feel like a superhero when I wear them. Is it any wonder I wear them all the time?
Day 17 – Time Alone
Right now, all of my ‘alone time’ is actually ‘Izzy time.’ I’m either playing with her and keeping her occupied so that she doesn’t get into anything she shouldn’t or I’m sitting with her while she naps. Sometimes I try and get stuff done while she sleeps but sometimes all I can do is sit and adore her; the fact that she’s actually real, that this absolutely gorgeous little creature is mine to love is still kind of overwhelming and I just find the time disappearing as I stroke her and cuddle her.
Day 18 – Something Brown
I could’ve easily stuck another puppy picture here but I thought I’d try and come up with something a little more interesting, for one day at least. There’s no such thing as too many pictures of this puppy. So here is my beloved guitar, an electro-acoustic Taylor that I got during my first year at university. It has the most gorgeous sound and I honestly have no desire to ever get a new one, even if I could afford to get a ‘better’ one. This one just sounds and feels so beautiful; it feels like an extension of me, and of my songwriting.
Day 19 – Something For You
A couple of months ago, I ordered this necklace from Etsy. I’ve been looking for one like it for years and having finally found it, I didn’t want it to slip away again – I’ve let that happen far too many times. I have such anxiety around money that I struggle with spending it on myself when there isn’t a ‘productive’ purpose (like learning a new skill) but I’ve been working so hard at my physiotherapy and hydrotherapy that I said, ‘fuck it,’ and bought the necklace. I can get my head around a little reward for over a year’s worth of hard work.
Day 20 – Selfie
I did it for the challenge but I really don’t like taking selfies. I can just about manage selfies if they’re with people or as part of a special event or at a specific place but I’m rarely happy with how I look in them. I think a big part of that is that I’m masking really hard in order for the photo to be a good one and so I think I just don’t end up looking like myself. I like candids because they’re in the moment and honest and real. But, as I said, I have obliged for the challenge.
Day 23 – Lazy Afternoon
Lucy was certainly having a lazy afternoon (while I was busy working away). Of all of the cats, she’s the most unfazed by Izzy’s appearance: she’s not thrilled and they’re not playing (yet?) but Lucy will chill out in the same room and will engage with her to a limited extent. Having said that, she’s not shy about giving Izzy a swipe if Izzy gets overexcited and ends up swerving too close to her. The other cats have barely managed five minutes in the same room; I have to hope that they’ll get used to her over time, especially as she learns what to do and what not to do. Anyway, as well as Lucy’s handling the Izzy situation, she’s happiest when Izzy is downstairs and she can just relax without having to worry that Izzy might bound over to her at any second. So this was a thoroughly blissed out moment, unbothered by a tiny canine.
Day 25 – 11am
This is my physio set up, just before I ran through my personal exercise plan. I feel very lucky to be able to work with a physiotherapist and not just a physiotherapist but an excellent physiotherapist who has a really good, working understanding of Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I’ve been working with her for a few months now and have a series of exercises that take about fifteen minutes to do, trying to strengthen and stabilise my body. As of earlier this week, we cut one exercise and added two new ones for my elbow and shoulder because I’ve been experiencing serious pain in them for a really long time now. So I’m still getting to grips with those. Although, having said that, my arm has been sore as a result of my recent COVID jab (my fourth, I think) so I haven’t managed as much as I usually do. If it follows the same pattern as the others, it’ll be fine in a couple of days and I’ll be able to work at normal capacity again.
Day 28 – Book Review
I love Trista Mateer’s poetry and I loved her previous book, Aphrodite Made Me Do It. I loved Artemis Made Me Do It even more. I read it in less than twenty-four hours, folding a ridiculous number of page corners. Her poetry is so visceral, like the earth just spits it out; it’s beautiful and delicate and brutal and fierce and I feel like I could write a song inspired by every poem. I really loved it and I can’t wait to read the next one in the series.
Day 29 – Weather
My birthday was on the 29th and part of that involved doing this really amazing Equine Facilitated Learning session about building confidence and assertiveness so I spent the morning in a field, working with three gorgeous horses. It was a bit chilly but a beautiful day with warming sunshine and big blue skies. It was a good day.
Day 30 – Self Care
One of the things that makes me feel like my best self – physically, mentally, and emotionally – is swimming. And, near where I live, the pool does this awesome thing on weekend evenings where they turn off the main lights and place a few lanterns around, basically lighting the space with the pool lights. They keep the number of people to two per lane so it never feels crowded or cramped and they play music to minimise the potential echoes in the room. All in all, it’s a really amazing way to swim and such a soothing experience, especially for someone like me who often finds swimming pools overwhelming and overstimulating. I’ve always loved swimming so I’ve put up with it, trying to find the quietest times to swim at whatever pool I’m going to but this is just amazing. It’s my favourite place to swim and I never get tired of it. I feel very lucky to have discovered it and to have pretty regular access to it.
I didn’t manage to take photos every day: sometimes I was too busy, sometimes I forgot, and sometimes nothing about the day matched the prompt (like ‘cozy’ in a heatwave or ‘fall leaves’ when we don’t have anything resembling autumn yet). I also didn’t do the bucket list because I find that they trigger my anxiety at the moment. But on the whole, it was really fun to document my days with photos again. I have a fair amount of fun things coming up over the next couple of months so I wouldn’t be surprised if I find myself doing another challenge sooner rather than later.
A Week In My Life (July 2023)
Posted on September 30, 2023
I really overdid things in June and pushed myself harder than I could really handle; I was just so overwhelmed and drained and exhausted so, in July, I tried to take things more gently, to varying degrees of success. Having said that, I did have some completely one-off opportunities booked that I couldn’t – and didn’t want to – miss. It’s hard, relearning to balance doing things with recharging and building my stamina. There are still so many things I want to do, especially see my friends and schedule more sessions with my favourite cowriters but I just really struggle to make things fit, and make things fit without absolutely crashing and burning, something that has happened repeatedly since I started taking the Phenelzine – and therefore doing things – again.
The week in this post started on Monday 3rd July 2023 and ended on Sunday 9th July 2023.
MONDAY
I woke up before nine and worked through some of my morning habits, like drinking water and my Duolingo practice, before getting up and getting in the shower. Then I settled in the living room and got to work on my current blog post, alternating with closing some of the many tabs I have open and trying to tidy my laptop up a bit. My Mum had gone in to town to get her laptop fixed and she’d asked about mine and it’s new habit of randomly turning off at any given moment. They said that, when it was made in 2015 (I got it later, refurbished), running it was like asking it to function at 100% but now, eight years later, running it is like asking it to run at 200%, which is obviously problematic. And given my propensity to work on about seven different things at once (with so many tabs open), I’m honestly surprised that it’s survived this long. They basically said that it’s not going to last much longer and I’m going to need to get a new one soon: the dreaded words with the Taylor Swift ticket sales coming up. Even though I’ve been saving for these concerts and have savings for moments like these (when something necessary, like a laptop, needs to be bought), the money anxiety was sitting in my stomach like a slimy, writhing creature.
Early afternoon, one of my friends came over to visit. She’s probably my oldest friend; we met when we were thirteen and we’ve been really close ever since, even though we don’t see each other as much now, living in different cities and working and so on. But our friendship has been one of the great pillars of my life; we always pick up right where we left off and there’s never any awkwardness. It was so, so lovely to see her, to hang out with her even though it wasn’t as long as we’d hoped for, but we got to catch up properly and we had a good laugh. I miss her more now that she’s further away, further away than she ever has during our friendship; it’s so much harder to see each other. But it’s comforting to know that our friendship has never really changed, even if it has evolved since we were at school and saw each other every day.
When she left, I made sure to take some rest time. Mum and I were both hanging out in the living room; she was working on her laptop and I spent a couple of hours continuing the work of cleaning up my laptop. We’ve been half watching House at times like this and we finally finished it, watching the ‘making of’ at the end. For the most part, it was fun and interesting but there was one part that really got under my skin: one woman was talking about the creation of the character of Gregory House and how the original idea was that House was in a wheelchair but that that was ‘too difficult’ so they changed it. I’m sure she meant it from a filming and set perspective and they eventually got to the idea of him using a cane, which I do think was a better choice for storytelling given the character, but the way she talked about it just felt really ableist and insensitive. I know I get triggered by that ‘too difficult’ and ‘too complicated’ talk but it just felt really uncomfortable and, at the very least, borderline offensive to wheelchair users.
My Mum and I had an early dinner together and finished His Dark Materials while we ate. It was the first time Mum had seen the end and my second. God, the end just wrecks me; it’s so heartbreaking. Dafne Keen and Amir Wilson’s performances (and, of course, Ruth Wilson’s – I love her) are just incredible. I think series three is my least favourite, just because there’s so much happening that needs to be shown in order for the end to make sense but, when any of those three are onscreen (plus the scenes between Ruth Wilson and James McAvoy), it’s breathtaking.
I was freaking exhausted but I made myself go and do my hydrotherapy anyway. I tried – I really, really tried – but my back still hurt and I was so exhausted that I didn’t manage as much as I usually do. I was so tired that I felt like, if I’d rolled over and floated face down, my body would have been too tired to care and I would’ve just drowned. But going was better than not going and I had a nice time with two of my parents swimming too.
Back home afterwards, I put on Doctor Who, too tired to think any harder about what to watch, and kept working on my laptop. It was a struggle though because I kept getting distracted by the cats playing with their new donut toys, plus I kept falling asleep sitting up; I was that tired.
I dragged myself to bed, utterly exhausted, but then I was still awake at three for some reason. That was deeply frustrating; I was so tired but I just couldn’t sleep.
TUESDAY
I struggled to wake up, finally managing to drag myself out of bed around twelve; I was just so tired and the lack of decent sleep made me feel heavy and groggy. I don’t know whether it was connected or not but for the next few hours, I had some really miserable stomach problems that meant I couldn’t do much more than lie on the sofa. I felt hot and faint and nauseous and sweat was all but dripping off me. It wasn’t fun but eventually it did recede a bit and I was able to haul myself up and into the shower.
Back in the living room, I spent the next several hours working on blog posts, hanging out with the cats, and dreading therapy. I was just feeling so tired and raw that putting my feelings under a magnifying glass was the last thing I felt like doing. But I went and it wasn’t as bad as I’d imagined it would be: I’d recommended The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green to her because I related to so many of the feelings and philosophies that Green had written about (my copy, full of highlighted passages and comments scribbled in the margins, is an incredibly revealing insight into my brain, into my emotions and experience of the world) and she’d just finished it so we decided to go through some of the things that had really resonated with me, especially in the context of my mental health. It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t as hard as it could’ve been. I do think our discussion made it clearer than ever that my depression is still hanging around, dark and heavy and cloying.
Back home, I spent the evening working on blog posts and trying to reduce the amount of open tabs on my laptop. For a while, there was some amazing heavy rain and that really helped to lift my mood; I’ve always found it so calming but also really invigorating. If I recall correctly, rain releases a wave of negative ions which apparently relieve stress and alleviate depression as well as boosting energy. I don’t know how much research is behind those findings but heavy rain and thunderstorms always have that effect on me.
I wrote in my diary for a bit and then started to go to bed early but got distracted by the piano. A little fiddle turned into a couple of hours as I started playing old and half finished songs; my early night became a distance memory when I got sucked into writing a bridge for a song I’ve always loved but never managed to finish.
When I eventually got to bed, I quickly planned out my route into London for the next day and then went to sleep around two in the morning.
WEDNESDAY
I struggled up early but kept falling asleep again, which resulted in me running around like a headless chicken as I tried to get ready to leave. I just managed to catch my train and spent the journey catching up with various family members, working on various blog posts, and listening to Maisie Peters’ album, The Good Witch. I’m obsessed with it.
It seemed to take ages to get to Richard (one of my best friends, my most trusted cowriter, and my producer) but I did eventually arrive, exhausted, out of breath, and hot. We hung out for a bit as I gathered myself, catching up and chilling. We were both tired but eventually we got going, settling into his studio to work on some music. We didn’t have a specific plan and ended up writing a new song together, based on an idea that I’d been turning over in my head. It was hard to start with, like we’d both forgotten how to write together after going so long without doing it – it did get easier but I think that, if we can get back to writing together more often, we’ll find our groove again (no pun intended). By the time we had to stop, we’d written a delicate little song based on The Nettle Dress, an art piece with an accompanying documentary.
That done and running late, we raced across town (my joints were deeply unimpressed – although admittedly I shouldn’t have tried to be a hero and just gotten the lift out of the tube station instead of trying to manage all of the stairs) to the O2 Forum Kentish Town for the Maren Morris show. We both love her and we always go to see her together whenever she tours here. My Mum met us there: I had a disabled ticket and she had the accompanying companion ticket since I find these environments so hard (concert accessibility is unbelievably terrible) and she knows best how to help me through them. The O2 Forum Kentish Town doesn’t have an accessible section (which, again, just blows my mind – how can they be a functioning concert venue that hosts acts as big as Maren Morris without accessible seating?!) but they offered me early access so that I could, in theory, get a suitable seat. That was very stressful but fortunately we did get in quickly enough to get a seat that wouldn’t leave me in excruciating pain the next day. The few in total that I could’ve used only fanned my frustration with them as a venue.
Sam Palladio was the support act and he was good but his musical style wasn’t really my taste; for the most part, I couldn’t stop thinking about him as Stoke in Episodes, which was pretty distracting. Ah well. I’m happy to simply enjoy the support slot; becoming a fan of the person filling that slot is a bonus considering they’re not the person you’re there to see.
Maren Morris was incredible, as always, and she played so many of my favourites, including ‘Circles Around This Town,’ ’80s Mercedes,’ ‘The Middle,’ ‘RSVP,’ ‘Nervous,’ ‘Once,’ ‘Second Wind,’ ‘Rich,’ ‘The Bones,’ and ‘My Church.’ Her voice was in top form and she’s such a great performer; it’s always such an amazing experience to see her live. I love how much London means to her, how she never fails to acknowledge how much she loves it. And to honour that this time, she played a brand new song called ‘Get the Hell Out of Here.’ That was really special.
It was a really, really awesome show. She’s such an amazing performer. My only regret was that she didn’t play ‘Humble Quest’ since I love it so much, but then it seems that we got a lot more songs than the rest of the tour did – plus a new song – so I really can’t complain. It is surprising to me though, since it is the title track of her most recent album. (The show had also meant I missed the Song Suffragettes show – and, as it turned out, the last one – which I was sad about because I love or am desperate to see most of the girls playing and see my friends who work the event but it couldn’t be helped. It’s Maren Morris!)
Richard and I hugged goodbye, repeatedly and effusively, before going our separate ways. A short bus ride later and I was on the train home. I was exhausted but I used the time to make sure my Ticketmaster and AXS accounts were linked up and organised, all the information stored clearly and carefully to hopefully make any ticket buying as straightforward as possible. It was a cold train on a cold night and even though I’d sat for most of the show, my joints were so sore (probably from the slightly panicked journey to the venue); I was hobbling by the time I got off the train.
I was very pleased to get home and into my bed but I needed some time to decompress before I could sleep. I was scrolling through BBC iPlayer, looking for something that would soothe the still surging adrenaline. I spotted Wallace & Gromit, consistent figures in my childhood, and ended up falling asleep as those stories played out.
THURSDAY
My alarm went off at the usual time but I ended up going to back to sleep. It was a very slow start to the day but I was just so tired and sore from the night before. I also had a throbbing headache so I figured I was dehydrated, having probably not drunk enough at the concert. I’ve been trying to drink more water (my hEDS comes with Dysautonomia so I’m quickly and easily dehydrated) but the habit hasn’t become ingrained yet and I’d been distracted by the trip to London.
I lay in bed for a while, looking through my photos from the night before. There weren’t many good ones. I would love to get a new camera – mine is probably ten years old now, if not more, and I’m finding myself increasingly unhappy with the quality of the photos – but between the cost of Taylor Swift tickets (fingers crossed that I can get them) and the looming expense of a new laptop (mine is dying a slow, painful death), I can’t afford it, at least not for a while. Hopefully I’ll be able to get one before hopefully seeing Taylor Swift next year.
It turned out to be a hard day. I did manage to get my budget clearly worked out for seeing Taylor (I’d had a rough idea, having been saving since The reputation Tour ended, but it needed to be hammered out, which I’ve now done) but I spent most of the day in tears, stressed and overwhelmed and exhausted; it’s never been clearer that I need a day off, that I’ve been doing too much and need to slow down a bit. The boost Phenelzine gave me seems to have worn off, at least to some degree, and now I’m left with more plans than I have the energy or emotional capacity for. Between the busy weekend ahead, my stress around money, and the fear that I won’t get to see The Eras Tour next year: I’d received a presale code but there was no information about disabled access and when we rang them to ask how to handle the ticket sale, the information was different from last time. It’s different every time. The whole thing is just getting more and more distressing; it’s just another aspect of the world telling me that, because I’m disabled, I don’t matter as much as the rest of the population.
So it wasn’t the best day and I struggled to get much done. I did some writing and posted on my cat Instagram – a throwback to when my lovely Lucy was a kitten – but that was about it, having lost so my of the day to panic and distress…
I had a quiet evening, watching New Tricks with Mum and working on a couple of different blog posts before going to bed.
FRIDAY
I could not sleep, no matter what I tried; I think three hours is probably a generous estimate if I totalled up the sleep I did manage to get. It was frustrating and boring but the timing could’ve been worse as it meant I was awake to listen to Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) when it came out. Given that her album releases are always at five am for me, I don’t get to join in the countdown with everyone online. So that was a bonus of sorts.
I always loved Speak Now – it was the album that had me absolutely invested in Taylor’s music – and I think this is the best rerecording of the three so far, in terms of how closely she’s managed to replicate the sound. The vault comes close to being my favourite, just after the vault on Red (Taylor’s Version): I love ‘Electric Touch (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault),’ ‘I Can See You (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault),’ ‘Timeless (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault),’ and ‘Castles Crumbling (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)’ is fast becoming one of my favourite songs on the whole album. And the prologue is beautiful but heartbreaking; I’m tempted to call it one of the best non-musical things she’s written. Speak Now has always been about using her music to express her feelings and tell her side of so many different stories but this new prologue exposes a new side of that: that she was ashamed of not speaking up in the moment (something that she now tries hard to do) and that writing these songs was her way of coping with it, like she needed to prove to herself – and everyone else – that she could speak up. That undertone of shame is also present when you look at the songs she didn’t include at the time, in the context of the prologue: there are powerful emotions and experiences – the insecurity in ‘When Emma Falls in Love (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault),’ exploring her sexuality in ‘I Can See You (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault),’ and the pressures and fears that you can hear in ‘Castles Crumbling (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault),’ for example – that it seems she didn’t feel able to share and thus an album about being honest wasn’t as honest as she’d intended. I have so many thoughts about this album already but I think I’ll save them for my albums post.
I got up around seven, bored of trying to sleep; I figured I’d have a nap later in the day if I needed one. My plans for the day had changed anyway: I’d originally been going to see Madeline Edwards at OMEARA that night, having seen her in Nashville and fallen in love with her album, Crashlanded, but she’d cancelled the show (with promises to come back soon). I was disappointed – I’d been really looking forward to seeing her perform again and seeing her perform a show after seeing her in a songwriters’ round capacity – but personally, it was probably a good thing that I didn’t have to travel up to London with the weekend I had ahead of me. I was already completely exhausted and it meant I could still go to therapy – not as much fun but still a worthy use of time.
I tried to have a restful day but I was so anxious about going to London Film and Comic Con the next day. It was my third attempt; my first was thwarted by COVID and the second by my anxiety. It’s not a happy environment for me and I was stressed about being surrounded by so many people and so much noise. I was also worried about messing up out of anxiety when meeting Amanda Tapping, my reason for going. So the whole thing had me basically paralysed by anxiety. I tried to do nice things, like watch my favourite TV shows and make bracelets (my current hyperfixation), but it was still a lot.
I went to therapy and we split the time between going over the coming days and my coping strategies before continuing with our discussions inspired by The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green. I do like having something to prompt our conversations, especially when it’s a busy, stressful week; I feel like it allows us to keep moving forward, for her to keep learning about me, without flooring me the way sessions often do. When I’ve got something big the next day (or during the week), I can’t really afford to give everything to therapy. It’s a good way of still making the most of the time, at least for me.
Back home, I put on New Tricks (an oldie but such a goodie – apart from some of Brian’s mental health stuff) and continued resting, methodically making more bracelets. I wasn’t sure if I’d have the opportunity (or the confidence) to give the handful I’d made for Amanda to her but I wanted to be prepared. I also wrote out my letter for her (I wanted to make sure I could share the thoughts I wanted to share with her, even if I froze up in the moment) and chose the photo I wanted her to sign at the autograph booth (one from the final episode of Sanctuary – Sanctuary, my beloved).
One of my parents (one that doesn’t live with me and Mum) joined us for dinner and we caught up and continued our watching of Lucifer while we ate. I finished the bracelets I’d been making and went to bed early, very aware of how early I had to be up in the morning to get to London.
SATURDAY
I had a stressful early start but despite everything, Mum and I still made the train on time. Mum had a carer’s pass for LFCC; there was no way I could do it without her. Maybe one day but certainly not at this point, having already attempted to go and backed out because my anxiety over it was so paralysing. Even with her there, I was worried about getting overwhelmed and having a meltdown. But at least with her there, someone knows what to do; I wouldn’t have to manage something like that on my own.
On the train, I managed to get my new blog post up and then there was nothing left to do but wait and deep breathe until we got to London and then over to Olympia. Getting in as a disabled person was complicated and stressful – I absolutely would’ve had a meltdown if I’d been there by myself, without her to take over and cut through the chaos – but the people were really nice (one of them at least was autistic too) and skipped through all the complications to make it easier and get me through the registration and back out into the open hall and away from the dense crowd, which I really appreciated. We’d arrived in good time so at least I didn’t have to worry about that. We’d planned to be there just for the Amanda Tapping parts – the meeting and photograph, the autograph, and her talk later in the afternoon – so that I didn’t overwhelm myself when I was already anxious about my first trip to the convention but that meant we had a pretty big gap in the middle of the day; I hadn’t booked anything because I hadn’t been sure how the autographs worked. But according to the schedule Clark Gregg and Iain De Caestecker – both from Agents of Shield – had a talk right in that block of empty so I booked us into that.
I’d been well prepared and had the map on my phone so I navigated us up to the second level where the photo booths and autograph tables are. I spotted Amanda quickly and just stood for a while, watching people take their turn and trying to get an understanding of how the whole thing worked. But since it was just about time for her photo session, I didn’t join the queue; I’d just have to leave it again in a few minutes. So I found a quieter area to sit and wait, deep breathing to try and keep myself calm for the impending meeting. I was so anxious and so anxious about doing something stupid or embarrassing that would make me cringe for the rest of my life; I tried not to obsess over that possibility and just breathe but it was hard. My Extra Help wristband meant that I was allowed to go straight through for the photo – so I didn’t have to stand and didn’t have to spend too long completely surrounded by people – but there were still several people before me, which was a relief; that meant I could watch both how the process worked and how they interacted with Amanda (and how Amanda interacted with them, not that that had changed from when I met her back in 2018 at AT9 – she’s so open and warm) to prepare myself. When it was my turn, we hugged and I said how good it was to see her in real life and not on a screen. She was really lovely; I hate that the memory is already fading. We posed for the photo and then we said goodbye, that I’d see her at the autograph table. I don’t know how she does that kind of event; I’d be completely overwhelmed. My photo was printed right there and I collected it on the way out. I wish I was happier with it: my fringe rarely looks good in photos and I feel like I never look like myself in posed photos. But, as it turned out, it was the autograph moment that was really special.
The adrenaline was still pumping, my hands shaking, when I met up with Mum outside the photo booth and it took almost an hour for me to calm down. The adrenaline crash was making me feel sick and I was obsessing a bit over whether I should’ve done the autograph before the photo, whether I’d been too enthusiastic, and so on and so forth. The photo session had ended and, after taking a photo with Matt Smith, Amanda was back at the autograph table. I was really stressing about messing up but I knew that putting if off was just giving me more time to worry. At that moment, the queue was pretty short so I joined the end and pulled out the photo I’d printed for her to sign.
The photo sparked surprise from her helper person – I think everyone had one to take care of the admin of checking everyone off and getting names right – about her with long, dark hair, which Amanda laughed about and I expressed my love of Sanctuary and how important the show was to me, how it always will be. I gave her the letter I’d written, briefly explaining that I’m autistic and had worried that I’d get too overwhelmed to talk, which she took in stride (I was feeling pretty overwhelmed, talking to her face to face – although having no one behind me, waiting for me to move on, did help). I also gave her the bracelets I’d made and she was so gracious and so lovely about them, instantly noticing that both Mum and I were wearing others that I’d made. The conversation actually felt surprisingly easy and, like any fan I think, I couldn’t help wishing I had hours to talk to her and ask her questions. My Mum also grabbed a moment with her, thanking her for everything she’s done for me – for how much her presence in my life has helped me – from one mother to another. We all ended up quite emotional and Amanda stood up and gave us both a hug, saying that we’d made her weekend. I’m sure that we’re one of multiple moments that made her weekend but that meant a lot to me; I treasure that comment.
I was beyond hyped and very emotional after that and needed a quiet moment to myself in the bathrooms in order to bring everything back down to manageable levels, levels where I wouldn’t get tipped into a meltdown by the business and background noise of the convention. And by the time I’d managed that, it was time for the Clark Gregg and Iain De Caestecker talk.
Clark Gregg is so lovely, warm and open and affable, and although he was quieter, Iain De Caestecker seemed really nice too. They were clearly really good buddies and they told lots of funny stories; they were very enjoyable to listen to. It was really cool to hear how they got into acting and how some of their early roles shaped them and their approaches to their careers and their new projects sound interesting, although I’m not entirely sure Iain’s is my thing. They talked a little bit about Agents of SHIELD but I couldn’t help wishing that they’d talked about it a bit more, about their experiences on the show and with their castmates. I’m pretty sure everyone there was an Agents of SHIELD fan and would’ve welcomed any behind the scenes stories. On that note, I’m still sad about missing Ming Na Wen when my anxiety forced me to cancel and I would LOVE to see Chloe Bennet at a convention, although I’m not sure she does them anymore; she hasn’t done one in years, pandemic irrelevant. I can only imagine what an absolute mess I’d be if I had the opportunity to meet her, given how important the character of Daisy Johnson is to me; her acting is, of course, a big part of that.
When the talk ended, Mum and I found a table tucked away and had some lunch. We ended up chatting with a man who had a service dog, a gorgeous yellow lab or golden retriever, I wasn’t quite sure. But he was lovely and that got us talking. Now that I’ve been accepted to Autism Dogs‘ service dog programme (yes, I am SO excited about getting a service dog but I want to talk about that properly in its own post because the whole thing is a really big deal), I’m always keen to talk to people about their experiences and about their service dogs. This guy – he was also autistic but had his service dog due to being in the armed forces – patiently talked with me about his previous and current service dogs and even showed me photos of his dogs meeting various famous people; that made me laugh. While obviously not a good reason for trying to get an Autism service dog, I think that must be a super cool way of raising awareness about Autism and the needs of autistic individuals: posting pictures of your service dog with someone famous.
When the time rolled around, me and Mum headed down to the little auditorium area. I ended up making friends with someone in the queue and we spent the wait, discussing how much we love Amanda Tapping, about Stargate SG-1 and Sanctuary. She was having a hard time and, as the only person there, I did my best to keep her occupied until the talk began and then we were all absolutely occupied by Amanda. She walked out onto the stage and I noticed straight away that she was wearing three of the bracelets I’d made her – I thought I might explode with joy. (I couldn’t see, at the time, which ones she’d chosen and my photos turned out not to be clear enough. I ended up scouring social media for photos that would reveal them and, although it took several days, I did eventually get to see which ones they were, which made me very happy.)
I’ve always found Amanda to be a beautiful, thoughtful speaker. Even when answering questions from the audience, questions she couldn’t have prepared for, she speaks well, earnest and personable and funny, always engaged with both the person who asked the question and the audience as a whole. I think it’s because everything she does comes from a place of empathy. All of that said, the talk was really interesting and enjoyable. She told stories, from the set of Stargate SG-1 and Supernatural, and joked around with the host; she talked about her upcoming projects (although the future is very unknown with the writer’s strike going on) and how she’d been thinking about the future and what she wants to do next, how she’s told her agents that she wants to act again. That was very exciting to everyone. She also shared quite a lot about her life, like stories from quarantine times and how she prepares for these events and recovers after, and it was so lovely and such an honour to get a little glimpse into her world. The one thing that I felt was missing was any talk of Sanctuary, especially as her most recent starring role and a project that was such a world unto itself, driven by this small, emotionally invested circle. It would’ve made the experience perfect to hear a couple of stories from that time. I kept waiting for her to mention it or someone to ask a question about it but nobody did. I’d finally gathered the courage to put my hand up and ask a question about it (I can’t remember what it was now – probably something about how it differed to other shows she’s been a part of or about the character of Helen Magnus, another of my absolute favourite characters of all time) but it was too late; we’d run out of time and they weren’t taking anymore questions. But it was fine. The day had been amazing and the fact that I’d even considered asking a question was a really big deal. Maybe next time I go to a similar event, I’ll actually manage to ask one.
So, yes. As I said, it was an amazing day and an amazing experience, despite all of my anxiety around. It took me a while to process it all but when I finally felt like I could put at least some of it into words, I posted this…
When Amanda’s talk finished, Mum and I got going, heading back to the station and catching the train towards Manchester. Having been accepted by the Autism Dogs charity, we wanted to go to their fundraiser the next day to show our support and our gratitude. It was a bit of a trek though, especially after such a long, emotional day. I’d planned to work on the train but I was so tired that I ended up putting my head down on the table and sleeping for more than two hours. Oops.
It was pouring with rain when we arrived – absolutely tipping it down – and since our hotel didn’t do dinner, we picked up fish and chips and the hotel was really lovely and accommodating in letting us eat in our room. I was still falling asleep, literally wherever I stopped (like leaning on the bannister while the hotel staff member retrieved plates and cutlery for us); I barely made it through my dinner. We ended the day watching one of the Sanctuary episodes I had on my laptop (and were properly weirded out, watching Amanda with long, dark hair after just talking to her in person with short, blonde hair). We were both asleep early, probably by ten and definitely by eleven.
SUNDAY
Exhausted from the day before, it was a struggle to wake up early but I did eventually manage to force myself out of bed. The shower was super slippery and I nearly fell over several times, which was a bit scary, but I did survive – just – and then ran around like a headless chicken as I got myself ready and packed up. The cab was already waiting when I was done but then I got lost twice on my way out of the hotel. So… not the most graceful beginning to a day.
My Mum and I spent the morning at the Autism Dogs fundraiser, which was really enjoyable. We ate cake, met some gorgeous dogs, and watched the dogs compete in some very adorable competitions, including waggiest tale and several rounds of musical sits. It was all very cute.
The event being so far away meant that we didn’t know anyone there (apart from a few people from Autism Dogs) but we met a really nice family and ended up spending most of our time chatting to them (and their gorgeous dog). It was a really nice morning.
Then it was back to the station, a really long wait for the train, and a long series of trains home. The only thing of note was a really adorable corgi on one of them. I could definitely see myself having a corgi. But beyond that, it was long and cold and monotonous. I was completely exhausted – physically, mentally, and emotionally – so I didn’t manage to do anything on the journey; I ended up alternating between scrolling through social media and sitting back with my eyes closed.
Getting home was a great relief. It had been a really good weekend but, as exhausted as I was and needing to process everything that had happened, I really needed some time in my safe space without loads of people around. I was delighted to see the cats too; I hate being away from them. I went to bed ridiculously early and was asleep in minutes.
This post is – clearly – quite late. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if anyone cared, a fear that I often have about this blog, especially in my lower moments. But this blog really matters to me so I’m trying to ignore those whispers. This was a really cool week where some really special things happened and so I came back to it and pushed myself to get it done. I hope you enjoyed it, or at least found it interesting. It’s kind of funny; I think these are the posts where you can potentially learn the most about me but because they’re so busy, with so much happening in each one, that fact sometimes goes unnoticed. I don’t know. Maybe that’s just my runaway brain overthinking.
I hope you’re all doing well.
Finding Hope 