Some of the Little Things

I was looking back through the blog and I realised that you guys are getting all these big things in my life without really knowing much about me. I struggle with all things identity (which is a big thing for people with BPD) but I’m trying. I’m trying to figure myself out. I know little things, like favourite films and TV shows or whatever, but when it comes to who I am as a person, I feel very unsure. I’ll write more about that at some point but, for the moment, here are some of the little things:

  • I don’t drink tea or coffee.
  • My favourite books are The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, Finding Home by Cecilia Knapp (although that was a show first), The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, Sounds Like Me by Sara Bareilles, and the Tomorrow When The War Began series by John Marsden. Oh, and I really enjoyed Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert.
  • When I was twelve, I wrote a twenty thousand word story. It’s still on the hard drive of my computer.
  • I play guitar and piano, not super well but enough to write and accompany myself.
  • I love strawberry milkshakes.
  • My favourite colour totally depends on my mood but I will probably always love blue the most.
  • As a kid, I was obsessed with history, especially Ancient Egypt.
  • I really want to see the Northern Lights.
  • One of my all time favourite songs is ‘Wish You Were Here’ by Pink Floyd.
  • My favourite place in the UK is Norfolk and my favourite place outside the UK is Nashville, but I also loved Australia and New Zealand.
  • My favourite subjects at school were Maths, History, and Psychology.
  • I love Harry Potter and it was a huge part of my childhood. I read the last book in less than two days. My favourite book is Order of the Phoenix and my favourite film is probably Prisoner of Azkaban or Half Blood Prince. And whenever I had exams, I’d put them on in the background while I was revising. When I first signed up to Pottermore, I was sorted into Ravenclaw but I forgot the password and it was an old email address so I had to sign up again and I was sorted into Slytherin. And when I took an online quiz, it said I was equally all the houses so who knows.
  • Puns are my favourite type of humour.
  • I’ve never broken a bone, although I have cracked a rib.
  • My favourite movies are Cloud Atlas, Tomorrow When The War Began, I Robot, Nausicaa, and The Fault in Our Stars. And Arrival.
  • I love swimming.
  • I don’t think I’ve ever been in love but I have had my heart broken.
  • I’m fascinated by space and the universe.
  • I’m a big TV show person and I love Agents of Shield, Supergirl, Criminal Minds, Reign, Scott and Bailey, Fringe, Orphan Black, Nikita, Sanctuary, Stargate SG-1, Law and Order SVU, and Stalker. I have also enjoyed Doctor Who, Torchwood, Spooks, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, and Glee.
  • I love the musical Wicked and my favourite Elphaba is Willemijn Verkaik.
  • I’m terrified of going to the dentist.
  • I’ve always loved animals and my dog and cat make me so, so happy.
  • I have a degree in Songwriting.
  • I was born in London.
  • Amanda Tapping is my hero and I’ve been lucky enough to meet her. She is the loveliest human being alive.
  • I listen to a lot of different music but my absolute favourites are Taylor Swift, Sara Bareilles, Against Me!, Halsey, OneRepublic, Maren Morris, Lauren Aquilina, and Natalie Hemby. There are lots more but that could take a while.

So now you know a bit more about me. Hopefully this gives a little context to all the other stuff I post.

Moving Forward and Looking Back

A few months ago, my therapist moved to a different office and as much as she tried to smooth the transition, it was hard. It didn’t feel real; I felt like I was just waiting to go back to the old office. But last week, for the first time, I walked into the new office and it felt normal. It felt right.

A part of me does still miss the old office. A lot happened there. So this is a little tribute to the old office and my armchair there. A lot of different versions of myself sat in that chair. Depressed me, joyful me, panicked me, hopeful me, hopeless me… That room saw a continuum. It was the setting for a lot of important conversations. I said out loud things I never in a million years thought I’d share. I processed an Autism diagnosis, I talked about the people I’ve lost, I played each new song I’d written, I cried when I was too depressed to talk, I talked about giving up, I talked about changing the world, I even took my cat and her kittens.

That place will always be special but I’m getting used to the new one. I’m learning how me and my emotions fit into that new space and I think they’re starting to.

The Big White Room

Since taking the Venlafaxine, I’ve felt different. I’ve felt a little bit lighter, mentally and emotionally. In some ways this is better but in some ways it’s not. Depression is such a heavy feeling but now I feel a bit like I’m floating away. I feel kind of lost, or like I’ve lost something really important. In a weird way, I miss feeling depressed. No, that’s not right. I don’t miss it, but I feel kind of lost without it. And feeling like that makes me very anxious.

Objectively I understand why I feel this way: I’ve spent a lot of time feeling depressed. It’s familiar. It’s certain. It’s a world where everything is in focus with clear and sharp edges. Now the edges are fuzzy. I feel like I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing. And emotionally, I’m finding that really hard to get my head around.

I know who I am when I’m depressed. Those emotions overwhelm me, they define me. Depression takes over my personality, or becomes the biggest part of it. It affects everything. It’s like depression takes up all that space. But now, there’s suddenly all this space that wasn’t there before. It feels a bit like when you stand in the middle of a really massive empty room. It’s quiet. It’s cold. It makes you feel so small and lonely. And if I look at myself in that big white room, I don’t know who I am. I don’t know if I’m optimistic or pessimistic. I don’t know if I’m a good person or a bad person. I don’t know if I’m loud or quiet. I know some little things but not the big things.

I do recognise the opportunity here, the opportunity for things to be different: to fill the room with new things. That thought is both thrilling and terrifying. But I’m not sure I’m there yet: I’m still pretty overwhelmed by how big this room is, how empty it is. I don’t know where to start.

I’ve thought a lot about identity, both mine and in general. It’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time and something I want to write more about. But I think your identity is made up of the things about you that don’t change, the fundamental aspects of your personality. I don’t know much about myself but I do know that I’m very sensitive. I’ve always been sensitive and I can’t see it ever changing. So I guess that’s a part of my identity.

I’m not sure my depression is gone but I’m not drowning in it anymore. And that’s scary. I’m so used to it that I’m not sure who I am without it. When I’m depressed, that big white room is so dark that I don’t know that all that space is there, so I don’t even know the room is that big. But now I know it’s there and it’s very compelling. I keep turning it over in my mind. As I said, I know who I am when I’m depressed. I want to know who I am when I’m not. So I guess that starts now. It’s a brave new world.

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