A Lot Has Been Happening

My sincerest apologies for not posting in so long. Life has been hectic and difficult and busy and strange. It’s been really difficult to write, to write anything at all (apart from my diary, which I’ll explain in a minute) so I just had to give myself a break from posting here and hope that you guys would understand. It’s just been too much. I don’t think I’m ‘back,’ but hopefully there won’t be such big gaps between posts and maybe we’ll even get back to weekly posts at some point.

So here’s what’s been going on, so you’re all up to date…


TWENTY FIFTH BIRTHDAY

First things first, I turned twenty five. I’m not gonna lie, I was having a bit of a quarter century crisis. There’s a definite milestone about turning eighteen and then twenty one but turning twenty five felt (and still feels) like a big step into adulthood and I’m finding that very scary. I still feel stuck at seventeen: young and naïve and vulnerable. So I’m struggling with it a bit.

The day itself was a struggle. My anxiety is through the roof (which I’ll talk about it in a minute) but my compulsive writing of my diary (something I’ve struggled with on and off for a long time) has become really extreme, to the point where I’ve been finding it difficult to do anything else. So while I had some really lovely moments on my birthday (twenty five yellow roses from my Mum, some really lovely presents, and dinner with my family), all I could think about was how I should be writing, how I was wasting time that should be spent catching up with my diary. It was very upsetting because there were so many things I’d rather be doing than writing my diary or stressing about it.

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I’ve had a habit of many years to think on my birthday ‘this year will be better’ or ‘this year I’ll be happier.’ But I’m done with that. I’m not going to waste time comparing the ups and downs of the last several years but I never felt as if those statements came true. I always felt as if I was struggling just as much, if not more so, than the year before. So, as I said, I’m done with that. I have no expectations of this year. At the moment I’m too anxious to think beyond the next week or so,   v so I don’t even really feel capable or doing it anyway. It’s all too overwhelming.

Anyway, I’m twenty five. I’m not sure what that means yet. So I guess we’ll see.

I’VE STARTED A MASTERS

Unsurprisingly, it’s in songwriting. I’m doing it part time so I only have half the workload as a traditional Masters student and that has turned out to be absolutely the right choice. At the time, my main reason was because it would allow me to really take in what I was learning and apply it to my songwriting, rather than just absorbing it only to regurgitate it for an exam or coursework piece. And that’s still true but it’s turned out to be completely necessary for my mental health. One day of classes (plus the commuting) requires at least two days of recovery and my mental health, particularly my anxiety, has made it very, very difficult to complete the work required and so having only half the workload and the extra time to do it in has been a blessing.

I’m just about to start week three and so far, I’m really, really enjoying the classes. This first module is about Creative Process, the theory of it and the exploration of our own, and the content we’re covering and discussing is just fascinating. I actually wish the two hour lecture was longer. For example, we just learned about autoethnography (exploring your personal experience and how it connects to wider cultures and experiences and so on) and it’s really hard not to stop my current research and just dive face first into that.

But anyway, the practical songwriting class has been a bit up and down for me personally. My writing massively depends on my mental health and so when I’m really anxious, I find it impossible to write. During the first week, I barely managed to turn in a song but this week, I’ve felt more able to write. I don’t want to comment on the anxiety, on whether it’s passed or not because that just makes my anxiety worse. If it comes back after making a statement like that, it will just be even more of a struggle. So regardless of the anxiety, I’ve felt more able to write and am currently in the middle of my second song. I love writing again and I love having writing briefs to explore and experiment with. So, so far (without the stress of assessment), I’m really enjoying it.

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Also, I have a really small group and so we’re getting to know each other pretty quickly, which is really nice. It’s so inspiring to hear the developing music of others again, as well as getting feedback on your own fresh work. I’ve really missed that.

I’M RELEASING AN EP

WHAT?!

Yes, I’m releasing my first EP. My God, it’s been an emotional complicated process. I’ve gone through so much since I decided I wanted to release an EP last year and I honestly don’t even recognise myself. I’ll talk more about that in a minute but first, let me introduce you to the project…

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And here is my big announcement!⁣ ⁣ Over the next nine months, I will be releasing an EP of five songs. I’ve been waiting to release new music for so long and I’m so emotional about you guys finally hearing these songs. The EP is called ‘Honest’, and I’ve been working with some fantastic people for a long time on these songs so I’m really excited to finally let them find their place in the world. ⁣ ⁣ Keep an eye out because I’ll be sharing more details of the first track next week.⁣ ⁣ ***⁣ ⁣ This EP is essentially a short story, a short story about my experiences with mental health up until now. It’s been difficult and excruciating and frustrating and lonely, but it started getting better when I started writing about it and talking about it, even if it just meant I wasn’t keeping it tightly sealed inside myself. I’ve worked hard to get myself into a better place but I don’t know if the ground will ever truly settle, if I’ll dig up all the landmines. We all have our struggles, our fears, our ghosts but maybe being honest is the first step, whoever it may be with.

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And I’ve just announced the first single…

If you want to get the information as soon as it’s released, you can follow my social medias, which are all listed on the main page of the blog.

I don’t think I could untangle my feelings about the songs if I had thousands of words to do so but I think a big part of that is all the anxiety I’ve been struggling with. Living with extreme anxiety, everything feels like the wrong choice, everything makes me feel sick and useless and miserable. It’s really hard to be excited about releasing something like this, about anything, when I feel like that. So it’s a struggle. I’m trying to be positive and enthusiastic because I have been those things but I’m finding it hard right now. But a lot of hard work and love went into these songs and this project and I am really proud of that.

More details soon!

I’M LIVING IN A MELTDOWN

I was going to write a whole post about this but then all this time passed and it just made sense to include it here.

Just over a month ago, I had the worst meltdown I’ve ever had. In the middle of Victoria train station (for those of you not familiar, one of the biggest train stations in the UK). A big plan had been changed and the new one was vague and I was alone and anxious already. I completely fell apart: sobbing and shaking and hyperventilating. There was nowhere quiet to go so I curled up in a chair, desperate not to be seen, desperate to disappear. I couldn’t think. I didn’t know what to do. And I couldn’t get hold of anyone on the phone so I had no one to give me advice or help me calm down. Eventually I did manage to get hold of my Mum and she had to literally walk me step by step onto a train home, plans abandoned.

Usually it takes me a couple of days to recover from a meltdown, sometimes a week if it was a really bad one. I feel anxious and fragile and raw and completely overwhelmed. But this time, those feelings didn’t go away. Over the last month, I’ve been constantly filled with extreme anxiety, so much so that I’ve been almost unable to function. I’ve felt so fragile and so easily overwhelmed that any new stress has triggered a meltdown, resulting in multiple meltdowns a day: screaming and crying and throwing things. It’s been absolutely hideous. It’s like I’m permanently living in a meltdown, with waves of anxiety and hypersensitivity and then the waves of shouting and crying. I don’t know if that makes sense; I’m still looking for the perfect metaphor, at least for my experience.

So all of this has affected every other part of my life. Sometimes I can push through it and manage what I need to manage and sometimes – a lot of the time right now – I can’t. I’m trying. I’m doing my best.


So now you’re up to date. To a degree. Some of this stuff is really hard to explain, as I’m sure you know if you’ve experienced it or anything like it. There’s a lot going on, a lot of stressful stuff in particular, so life isn’t exactly a cakewalk right now. But as I said, I’m trying.

I hope you’re all well, or at least coping as well as you can. Hopefully I’ll post again soon.

A Year of Kittens

In the afternoon of the 26th February 2018, my gorgeous cat Lucy had her second litter of kittens. As with her first litter, she made a nest on one of the levels in my wardrobe and that’s where she headed when she went into labour, after checking that I was right behind her. For both labours, she came in search of me and yowled until I followed her up to my room. She was very insistent. So I went and sat with her; every time I tried to leave, she yowled. So I sat there all day and saw far more than I needed to… But it resulted in these two handfuls of fur: we nicknamed the older, grey one ‘Mouse’ and the younger, tabby one ‘Tiger.’

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(Day 1 – 27th February 2018)

They were gorgeous. Utterly gorgeous. They were soft and warm and just so cute. I loved every minute with them and as you can imagine, I spent most of their kittenhood with them in my bedroom. Watching them grow and explore and experience the world around them was enchanting: they are so completely and fully engaged with everything they do, from eating to playing to getting into trouble. Your whole world shrinks down to the room you’re sitting in. It’s very mindful to watch. And I found their innocence very healing. Then (and now) they look at me with such trust that it takes my breath away.

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When they were two months old, we moved house. Of all of us, the cats were the least traumatised: they continued to eat, sleep, and play. They even ventured outside and fell in love with the garden. I don’t think there’s anything as cute as kittens pouncing on long grass.

I was very distressed by the move (and still am to some extent) and it really exacerbated both my depression and my anxiety. So I found it very difficult to know how I felt about anything, let alone something as significant as whether or not we should keep the kittens. I was also repeatedly weaning myself on and off different medications, which did a number on my emotions. It was a mess. I was a mess. A very sad mess.

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Eventually we decided to keep them. I still felt very unsettled but I figured that since there had been so much change, a little more wouldn’t make much difference (in the context of my anxiety). We’d thought about it a lot: before they were born, we’d entertained the idea of keeping one but after getting to know them and watching how bonded they were right from the start, I knew that I couldn’t keep one and give away the other. We couldn’t keep two out of the little family of three.

Not long after we made that decision, Lucy started getting really irritated with them, hissing and swiping at them as they approached and even going out of her way to have a go at them. And when that showed no signs of stopping, I started to get really upset. That coincided with a medication change that made me so anxious all I could do was cry. I was terrified I’d made a huge mistake, that I shouldn’t have kept them but now I loved them too much to let them go, keeping us trapped in this very stressful situation. It was excruciating.

Fortunately, things have been better recently. They’ve all started to bond again and I often find them all snuggled in a bed together, legs and tails everywhere. It’s completely adorable. We even bought them a cat tree that has both a nest and a mouse on an elastic string; they absolutely love it and I get such joy from watching them play.

Now, I’m not just writing this because I love talking about my cats. Today is the kittens’ birthday and that seemed like a good opportunity to reflect on the choices, the anxiety, and all the emotion that has gone into this experience so far. I haven’t got it all figured out yet. I still don’t know if I made the right decision and maybe I never will. Maybe it’s just a case of learning to live this life that I’ve chosen, just as we learn to live with every choice we make, sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly. But regardless of all of that, I love my animals and I’m grateful to have them in my life. Hopefully that’s enough.

Because Sometimes You Need To Laugh

I don’t know about you but I’ve had a pretty intense few weeks. It’s stressful and exhausting and I’m looking forward to a few days on my sofa with some good TV and my animals. But in the meantime, I thought I’d share some YouTube videos that make me smile, even when I’m having a really bad day.

1. An arctic fox laughing…

2. Simon The Cat Refuses To Dog…

3. Because everyone needs to see a husky having a tantrum…

4. Dog vs Strawberry…

5. Because we all secretly want a munchkin cat…

So I hope these brought a smile to your face. Do you have any favourite YouTube videos? If you’re having a tough time at the moment, I’m thinking of you and sending you good vibes. I know it might feel unbearable but I hope you try to bear it for a little longer. Things change, little bit by little bit.

2018 in Review

This year has been a struggle. Almost eighteen months ago, I made the decision to change my medication and that has basically been my life ever since. Lots of pills and doctors appointments but mostly dealing with the side effects, everything from nausea to shaking to a complete inability to think clearly. I don’t think I realised what a huge undertaking it was going to be but it’s not exactly surprising: you’re throwing all the chemicals in your brain and body out of whack. I tried Venlafaxine, Lithium, and Lamotrigine; I weaned myself off Venlafaxine, tried Amitriptyline, and now I’m taking Pregabalin and Clomipramine. This is the most promising combination so far and I’ve actually had a few really good days so I’m cautiously optimistic. But it’s been a long, hard road, sometimes so difficult that I wasn’t sure I’d survive it. And I don’t really feel able to acknowledge the good bits without paying tribute to the really tough things I had to go through and so got through.

The first of The Big Difficult Things was moving house. God, that was a struggle. Having thought that I’d found some sort of peace around it, when it came to the day, I was absolutely devastated. There were a lot of tears – from all of us. That house was my home for fifteen years – home to the greatest triumphs and tragedies of my life – and so, to some extent, it will always be my home. I think I could probably walk into my old bedroom twenty years from now and fall right back into that old rhythm.

I’m still learning the rhythms of the new house. There are days where it feels normal and then others where I hate it so much I could scream. Most of the time, it still feels like someone else’s house. Someone else’s house with all our stuff in. But every day is a step in the right direction. We’re filling all the empty space with memories, slowly but surely.

I’ve been writing a lot about Claire Wineland of late but I couldn’t write about this year and not mention her. Her death was another of The Big Difficult Things of this year. I stumbled across her YouTube channel late last year and have been following her on social media ever since. She was – and still is – a big inspiration for me and her death hit me really hard. It just makes no sense to me and never will and I’m still struggling to cope with that.

And through all of this, depression has been my constant, oppressive companion. While I had experienced depression before, this was a whole new kind of prison. The lows were lower than I’d ever experienced and there were several pretty scary moments. And as well as affecting my mood, my depression made it almost impossible to write songs. I’ve had many discussions about writer’s block over the years and I’ve always thought that there are things that can make writing difficult and so you have to figure out what’s causing the block and address it. In my case, it feels like depression suppresses the creative part of my brain: I don’t get random sparks of inspiration, I can’t solve problems creatively, and any active creativity – like songwriting – is like pulling teeth. It feels like writing songs requires a certain level of functioning that I’m just not capable of reaching while depressed. I want to write more about this – about depression and writer’s block – but that’s for another post.

Having said all of that, there have been good days, as well as good experiences on bad days.

By far the best part of this year has been the time spent with my friends and family, whether that be online or in the physical world, in Nashville, London, or Brighton. Or anywhere in between. These people have kept me going through the hardest period of my life so far and I’m so ridiculously grateful to them for that.

I got to travel a little bit this year, which was amazing. I managed to get back to Nashville where I had the most intense ten days possibly of my life. I got to see some lovely people, write songs (or try to), listen to some of the best songwriters in the world, and play a Song Suffragettes show. Even though I was incredibly anxious about it, that may very well have been the best day of my year.

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I also travelled to Iceland for the first time and saw so many beautiful things, including a 60m waterfall, the Diamond Beach, and the Northern Lights. The natural scenery in Iceland took my breath away time and again. It felt like the first breath you take after being underwater. Of course, there was a lot of anxiety during the trip but it helped me in a way that only the magnificence of nature is able to.

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There have been more wonderful live music events than I can count: Paramore, Kelsea Ballerini, Sugarland, Kacey Musgraves, Natalie Hemby (and all of Tin Pan South in Nashville), Frank Turner, Betsy Lane, The Shires, Sinead Burgess, The Brummies, Halsey, Kina Grannis, Aislin Evans, Maren Morris, and of course, Taylor Swift. Despite the anxieties around concerts, these are the places where I feel most alive and so, throughout this difficult period, I’ve always tried to ensure that there was another concert to look forward to.

And despite my musical struggles this year, I’ve actually played a few gigs and played shows that I am so proud to have been a part of. I got to play with WRTW again and it was even more fun than the first time (if that’s possible). I played Autism’s Got Talent in London, which was such a great opportunity. I played for Brighton Soup and Disability Pride in Brighton, two amazing organisations that I can’t praise enough. I also played Summer Fest in Worthing, my first show with my awesome friend, Richard Sanderson. And of course, I got to play a Song Suffragettes show when I was in Nashville.

I’ve also managed to do a handful to Autism research studies, as well as giving blood. I’ve been feeling so useless so I tried to contribute as best I could during this time where I’ve felt incapable of contributing anything at all.

Another big part of this year was getting used to the kittens: my cat had two kittens in February and me and my Mum just fell in love with them so we ended up keeping them. I love them dearly but it has been a major adjustment and a real struggle, especially with the daily battle that is depression. So this has been both a good and a bad thing. I want to write more about this whole experience because there were – and still are – a lot of complicated emotions involved. But above it all, we have Lucky and Lucy and the kittens and I love them more than life itself.

So, that’s it: 2018. It has been a hard, hard year, and one I’m very happy to leave behind but I’m cautiously optimistic about the next few months and the next year. I’ve felt better in the last couple of weeks than I have all year and I’m hopeful that this is characteristic of what’s to come.

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“2018, the year of living, fighting, but ultimately, surviving depression. There was a lot of gold in the grey but I’m so ready to move on to 2019.” (x)

Taking A Self Care Day

Within an hour or so of waking up, I knew I needed a self care day.

I’d started the day at the gym, swimming in the outdoor pool. It felt good to do but by the time I got out, I was feeling really anxious and fragile. I thought about it and talked to my Mum and decided that I needed a day to look after myself. I needed a little break from life, from all the big, hard stuff.

It was never going to be a particularly busy day. I had planned to do a couple of things in town but there was nothing urgent and I felt really low on social energy. Sometimes it’s worth pushing through, worth practicing opposite action, but sometimes it just makes more sense to focus your energies elsewhere. So I cancelled that stuff and headed home.

On my way, I popped into the supermarket and bought some treats for myself. I’ve been pretty good about eating healthily recently, which I’m really proud of given my issues with food. But we all need unhealthy stuff sometimes and that day was one of those days. I also bought some new notebooks, which always cheers me up.

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Once I was home, I headed to the living room and drew the curtains. I’ve never had white curtains before but I absolutely love it: you can draw the curtains and shut out the world but there’s still good natural light. It’s a little bubble in which I feel safe. I changed into my favourite T-shirt, put on a Harry Potter film for background noise, and got to work on the emails I’ve been avoiding. I was avoiding them because they were stressful but ignoring them only created more stress so I needed to address that. I just needed the right environment – a calm environment – to feel able to do that. And I felt SO much better afterwards. I also got caught up with my diary and my photo albums, both of which are my self care staples.

Another thing I was really worried about was my cat. She was spayed not that long ago and I just had this anxiety that the wound wasn’t healing properly. My Mum was taking our dog to the vet so I asked her to take Lucy with her. I have serious anxiety about going to the vet (probably from when we had to have my previous cat put down) which does need addressing but that wasn’t going to happen in a day and I didn’t want Lucy to suffer because of it. The vet checked her out and gave her a clean bill of health, much to my relief.

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It’s also a really good time to try and practice good habits, healthy habits. I’m trying to build several things into my daily routine (not that I really have a daily routine), including drinking the recommended amount of water, practicing my instruments, and making sure I do something creative. Without a day to stop and take stock of my life, it’s easy to get into a really frenetic cycle that just gets faster and faster until I inevitably crash. So, for me, it’s important to stop.

So there you have it. This is what I do in a self care day. Obviously it’s different each time because of what’s happening in my life but, for me, a self care day involves several things:

  • Calming my environment
  • Addressing anxieties
  • Assessing my routine and my habits
  • Feeling safe and comfortable

Sometimes that means curling up in bed with my cats and my favourite TV show and sometimes it’s replying to all my emails and so on that have built up. Sometimes it’s like an aesthetic instagram post with fluffy socks and candles and sometimes it’s ugly with tears and frustration. We all do it differently and we all do it differently each time. Self care is a very small title for a very big idea.

The Importance of Pets

The last post was a heavy one with lots of emotional stuff in it so I thought I’d go for something that was a bit more light hearted this time – try and maintain a kind of balance. So here we go. The animals in my life have had a really big impact on my mental health so I thought I’d introduce them and talk a bit about the positives of having pets when you struggle with mental illness.

This is Lucky, our thirteen-year-old Labrador. We first met him when he was two days old and we’ve had him since he was about eight weeks old. He’s endlessly friendly and enthusiastic. One of my favourite things about him is how unashamedly excited he gets about everything: people arriving, food (even though it’s the same thing everyday), any kind of attention. It’s a good little reminder to appreciate the good things, even if they are everyday occurrences. As he’s gotten older, he’s become very sensitive, especially to people’s emotions. At it’s most extreme, he’s left the room when people on TV get upset. Poor boy. I can relate to that.

And this is Lucy, my two-year-old cat. She’s all energy and adventure, in the daylight hours anyway. Come the evening, she’s very happy to curl up on my bed with me. She sort of reminds me of a teenager that doesn’t want to be seen with her parents because it isn’t cool but once there’s no one around, she enjoys a good cuddle. She loves Lucky and often tags along on the evening walk around the block. I absolutely adore her. She’s incredibly calming to watch and play with; she’s so present and that’s really good for my anxiety. And having her sleeping beside me helps me to sleep because I can focus on her breathing (and purring) and block out any anxiety I have.

She also had kittens last year, which was a great holiday from real life. They were gorgeous and when I was watching them or playing with them, everything else fell away. It was like the world outside my bedroom didn’t exist. They were the only thing that helped me when Christina Grimmie was killed. I’d been watching her videos for years and she was the same age as me; it was very upsetting (and I’m still dealing with the emotions of that but I’ll save that for another post). Watching them play and wrestle and explore my bedroom with such focus and such fearlessness was very soothing. I’m so grateful to have had them for that period of my life. And I was very aware that, as one of the few humans in their lives, I was affecting who they would become, consciously or not. It made me feel like I was making a difference, even if it was only on a small scale.

But back to Lucky and Lucy. They frequently accompany me to therapy (although not together). Neither are actual therapy pets but having one of them with me often helps, especially when we’re talking about really tough stuff. They can be a distraction, a tension diffuser, a comfort.

So there you have it: my animals. They are so important to me and have such an impact on my life that I couldn’t not write about them. I hope you enjoyed this and if you need me, I’ll be curled up with either or both of them.