BEHIND THE SONG: Bad Night

This week, I posted a video telling the story behind the song of ‘Bad Night,’ the experience that inspired it, the writing of it, the recording of it… I posted it on all of my social medias but I also wanted to post it because the song is about my experience with depression – or at least one night of it – and so I feel like it’s relevant here, like it might connect with you guys. I hope you like it.

If you haven’t heard the song yet, you can find it here and if you want to see the music video, you can find that here.

I’m drowning in work for my Masters but I’m hoping to post on Saturday. Hopefully see you then.

Reactions to ‘Bad Night’

So, since ‘Bad Night’ has gone out into the world, there have been some really positive reactions and I’m really, really grateful and excited so I thought I’d share them here. It’s been added to playlists on Spotify and PLAYED ON THE RADIO, both of which are just so exciting. While I think we, as artists, all have daydreams of a song going out into the world and being a huge hit and bringing everything we’ve ever wanted to our door, realistically we know that that’s very unlikely. But this song has gone out and cool things have happened, especially for being only the second song I’ve ever released.

It’s been added to a couple of playlists, as you can see here. A super special shout out to Song Suffragettes for their constant support; I feel very lucky to have connected with them. And I’m grateful to FutureNectarSounds for taking the chance on me and adding me to their playlist.

And I got my first radio play, on Cambridge 105! Richard, my cowriter and coproducer, lives near Cambridge, hence the connection. That was very exciting, even though I didn’t get to hear it and I’m really grateful to them for playing it. I’m also currently on their Unsigned Chart, which is very cool. If you go to their site, you can vote for me and help me stay in the chart, maybe even get higher!

As many new artists do, I uploaded the song to BBC Introducing. I’ve done this before but never received a response. But this time, I got an email from the host of BBC Introducing South, asking if I had a radio edit as the song in its original form is quite long for a pop song. We quickly created one, uploaded it, and they decided to play it. I’m not kidding: I totally freaked out. This is something that’s been on my musical bucket list ever since I really started working toward releasing my music. As you can see, I was pretty excited…

And this was my reaction to actually hearing it:

I’m really grateful to BBC Introducing South for giving me this opportunity and this special moment.

And amazingly, they played it again a couple of weeks later. Again, I’m so grateful for the opportunity and it’s amazing to feel like the song is moving out into the world.

It was also played on Radio Reverb, which was really cool, especially as it’s a local, Brighton radio station. My town was playing my song. That made me really happy.

I did an interview with my university, ICMP (The Institute of Contemporary Music Performance), which was cool, although I can get very anxious about answering the questions the ‘right’ way, saying the ‘right’ things. But I think I did okay. You can find it here. I hope you find it interesting!

And finally, the music video had a really lovely, beautiful review from Indigo Eve Music, which you can read here.

I hope some of this was interesting to you. This blog is about following my journey, in music as well as mental health and Autism. I promise there will be more of those posts soon. There’s been a lot of stuff going on, so much that I haven’t had time to write about it so I’m looking forward to updating the blog and you guys.

‘Bad Night’ Music Video – Out Now!

So, again, I’m terribly behind in letting you guys know about my latest musical endeavour. I released the music video for ‘Bad Night’ on Wednesday 13th November. Here it is and I hope you like it:

Despite being the central person in the ‘Invisible’ music video, I’d never done anything like this before. I’d never destroyed a room before (which was way more physically exhausting than I expected since you have to do everything about three times to get the right shots but also multiple times because breaking things isn’t as easy as it looks and I kept messing up). I’d never done a ‘performance part’ of a video, if you know what I mean. I felt very awkward and very overly aware of all my limbs. Oh, and my facial expressions. It was all very new and strange. There were moments where I felt like I was getting it but they were few and far between. Most of the time I felt like I was about two seconds from falling on my face. It was a mix of fun and stressful and exhausting and satisfying.

After the video came out, I posted little behind the scenes videos or photos on social media:

1. Cold, cold, cold.

2. As I said, I felt very aware of my limbs.

3. “This is why I’ve never played sports.”

4. Planning some of the shots…

5. Siri clearly wanted her moment of fame…

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Technical difficulties, you might say… #BadNightBTS

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6. I’m pretty proud of the chaos I created.

7. We were cold and tired but very proud of ourselves.

So there you have it. I’m so proud of this video and am so grateful to work with Richard. He’s such an amazing friend and an amazing photographer and videographer (his website is here). It was a massive jumble of emotions and was really, really hard at times but it’s exactly what I wanted for the song so I’m really, very proud of it.

Bad Night – Out Now!

I’m very late in letting you guys know but my new single, ‘Bad Night,’ is now available to buy/stream/listen to in whatever format you listen to music to!


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laurenalexhooper: AND IT’S OUT! ‘BAD NIGHT’ IS FINALLY OUT!⁣

I’ve been waiting to release this song for so long that it’s oddly surreal to have it out in the world. I wrote it, with the help of @richardmarcmusic, after a particularly difficult night where I just felt completely overwhelmed by my depression. I felt like it was never going to get better. So I do what I always do and wrote a song about it. And eventually it turned into this. Even though it’s a difficult song, I hope you like it and I hope it makes you feel something.

Please, please, please buy/stream it. It would mean the world to me and all the wonderful people who’ve worked on it. You can find it here.


I’m truly sorry that it’s taken me so long to update you guys. After the whole process of ‘Invisible,’ I (and my writing/releasing/everything musical partner) decided to release the song independently and I found all of the aspects of that very stressful. So getting the song out was a mission in itself and then there were the decisions about what social media boosting to employ and it all just took every ounce of everything I had. By the end of that week, I was completely exhausted. And let’s not forget we were both just starting our Masters Degrees.

And then, to make things worse, I had possibly the worst Autism/mental health week of my life (just so you know, I sometimes combine them because I find them hard to extricate, not because I don’t know that they’re not the same thing). As I mentioned in my previous post, I’ve been having A LOT of meltdowns. It had come down to a couple a week but then I had week where I had multiple a day and it was just hideous. I’ll write more about it (hopefully) and meltdowns in general in the future but that put ‘Bad Night’ the furthest from my mind for a moment.

It’s hard to believe that it’s only been about two weeks since the song came out. It feels like a lifetime. But having said that, the journey is far from over. There is a lot of content still to come. A spoiler for you special people: keep an eye on my socials over the next couple of days. Something is coming… Okay, that sounds a lot creepier than it is.

I promise this blog won’t become simply an avenue for me to talk about my music (although much of my music is inspired by my mental health and so does have some relevance). It is just a massive part of my life right now, taking up a lot of my time and focus, as is my Masters, which is also all about music. I’m trying to find a balance but I’m struggling since my mental health has been so bad. I’m barely (and sometimes not) getting done what I need to be getting done so it’s all very chaotic and emotional and difficult right now. Just know that I’m trying my best. I’ll get there, I promise.

A Lot Has Been Happening

My sincerest apologies for not posting in so long. Life has been hectic and difficult and busy and strange. It’s been really difficult to write, to write anything at all (apart from my diary, which I’ll explain in a minute) so I just had to give myself a break from posting here and hope that you guys would understand. It’s just been too much. I don’t think I’m ‘back,’ but hopefully there won’t be such big gaps between posts and maybe we’ll even get back to weekly posts at some point.

So here’s what’s been going on, so you’re all up to date…


TWENTY FIFTH BIRTHDAY

First things first, I turned twenty five. I’m not gonna lie, I was having a bit of a quarter century crisis. There’s a definite milestone about turning eighteen and then twenty one but turning twenty five felt (and still feels) like a big step into adulthood and I’m finding that very scary. I still feel stuck at seventeen: young and naïve and vulnerable. So I’m struggling with it a bit.

The day itself was a struggle. My anxiety is through the roof (which I’ll talk about it in a minute) but theft compulsive writing of my diary (something I’ve struggled with on and off for a long time) has become really extreme, to the point where I’ve been finding it difficult to do anything else. So while I had some really lovely moments on my birthday (twenty five yellow roses from my Mum, some really lovely presents, and dinner with my family), all I could think about was how I should be writing, how I was wasting time that should be spent catching up with my diary. It was very upsetting because there were so many things I’d rather be doing than writing my diary or stressing about it.

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I’ve had a habit of many years to think on my birthday ‘this year will be better’ or ‘this year I’ll be happier.’ But I’m done with that. I’m not going to waste time comparing the ups and downs of the last several years but I never felt as if those statements came true. I always felt as if I was struggling just as much, if not more so, than the year before. So, as I said, I’m done with that. I have no expectations of this year. At the moment I’m too anxious to think beyond the next week or so,   v so I don’t even really feel capable or doing it anyway. It’s all too overwhelming.

Anyway, I’m twenty five. I’m not sure what that means yet. So I guess we’ll see.

I’VE STARTED A MASTERS

Unsurprisingly, it’s in songwriting. I’m doing it part time so I only have half the workload as a traditional Masters student and that has turned out to be absolutely the right choice. At the time, my main reason was because it would allow me to really take in what I was learning and apply it to my songwriting, rather than just absorbing it only to regurgitate it for an exam or coursework piece. And that’s still true but it’s turned out to be completely necessary for my mental health. One day of classes (plus the commuting) requires at least two days of recovery and my mental health, particularly my anxiety, has made it very, very difficult to complete the work required and so having only half the workload and the extra time to do it in has been a blessing.

I’m just about to start week three and so far, I’m really, really enjoying the classes. This first module is about Creative Process, the theory of it and the exploration of our own, and the content we’re covering and discussing is just fascinating. I actually wish the two hour lecture was longer. For example, we just learned about autoethnography (exploring your personal experience and how it connects to wider cultures and experiences and so on) and it’s really hard not to stop my current research and just dive face first into that.

But anyway, the practical songwriting class has been a bit up and down for me personally. My writing massively depends on my mental health and so when I’m really anxious, I find it impossible to write. During the first week, I barely managed to turn in a song but this week, I’ve felt more able to write. I don’t want to comment on the anxiety, on whether it’s passed or not because that just makes my anxiety worse. If it comes back after making a statement like that, it will just be even more of a struggle. So regardless of the anxiety, I’ve felt more able to write and am currently in the middle of my second song. I love writing again and I love having writing briefs to explore and experiment with. So, so far (without the stress of assessment), I’m really enjoying it.

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Also, I have a really small group and so we’re getting to know each other pretty quickly, which is really nice. It’s so inspiring to hear the developing music of others again, as well as getting feedback on your own fresh work. I’ve really missed that.

I’M RELEASING AN EP

WHAT?!

Yes, I’m releasing my first EP. My God, it’s been an emotional complicated process. I’ve gone through so much since I decided I wanted to release an EP last year and I honestly don’t even recognise myself. I’ll talk more about that in a minute but first, let me introduce you to the project…

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And here is my big announcement!⁣ ⁣ Over the next nine months, I will be releasing an EP of five songs. I’ve been waiting to release new music for so long and I’m so emotional about you guys finally hearing these songs. The EP is called ‘Honest’, and I’ve been working with some fantastic people for a long time on these songs so I’m really excited to finally let them find their place in the world. ⁣ ⁣ Keep an eye out because I’ll be sharing more details of the first track next week.⁣ ⁣ ***⁣ ⁣ This EP is essentially a short story, a short story about my experiences with mental health up until now. It’s been difficult and excruciating and frustrating and lonely, but it started getting better when I started writing about it and talking about it, even if it just meant I wasn’t keeping it tightly sealed inside myself. I’ve worked hard to get myself into a better place but I don’t know if the ground will ever truly settle, if I’ll dig up all the landmines. We all have our struggles, our fears, our ghosts but maybe being honest is the first step, whoever it may be with.

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And I’ve just announced the first single…

If you want to get the information as soon as it’s released, you can follow my social medias, which are all listed on the main page of the blog.

I don’t think I could untangle my feelings about the songs if I had thousands of words to do so but I think a big part of that is all the anxiety I’ve been struggling with. Living with extreme anxiety, everything feels like the wrong choice, everything makes me feel sick and useless and miserable. It’s really hard to be excited about releasing something like this, about anything, when I feel like that. So it’s a struggle. I’m trying to be positive and enthusiastic because I have been those things but I’m finding it hard right now. But a lot of hard work and love went into these songs and this project and I am really proud of that.

More details soon!

I’M LIVING IN A MELTDOWN

I was going to write a whole post about this but then all this time passed and it just made sense to include it here.

Just over a month ago, I had the worst meltdown I’ve ever had. In the middle of Victoria train station (for those of you not familiar, one of the biggest train stations in the UK). A big plan had been changed and the new one was vague and I was alone and anxious already. I completely fell apart: sobbing and shaking and hyperventilating. There was nowhere quiet to go so I curled up in a chair, desperate not to be seen, desperate to disappear. I couldn’t think. I didn’t know what to do. And I couldn’t get hold of anyone on the phone so I had no one to give me advice or help me calm down. Eventually I did manage to get hold of my Mum and she had to literally walk me step by step onto a train home, plans abandoned.

Usually it takes me a couple of days to recover from a meltdown, sometimes a week if it was a really bad one. I feel anxious and fragile and raw and completely overwhelmed. But this time, those feelings didn’t go away. Over the last month, I’ve been constantly filled with extreme anxiety, so much so that I’ve been almost unable to function. I’ve felt so fragile and so easily overwhelmed that any new stress has triggered a meltdown, resulting in multiple meltdowns a day: screaming and crying and throwing things. It’s been absolutely hideous. It’s like I’m permanently living in a meltdown, with waves of anxiety and hypersensitivity and then the waves of shouting and crying. I don’t know if that makes sense; I’m still looking for the perfect metaphor, at least for my experience.

So all of this has affected every other part of my life. Sometimes I can push through it and manage what I need to manage and sometimes – a lot of the time right now – I can’t. I’m trying. I’m doing my best.


So now you’re up to date. To a degree. Some of this stuff is really hard to explain, as I’m sure you know if you’ve experienced it or anything like it. There’s a lot going on, a lot of stressful stuff in particular, so life isn’t exactly a cakewalk right now. But as I said, I’m trying.

I hope you’re all well, or at least coping as well as you can. Hopefully I’ll post again soon.

Metaphors For Autism

Autism is not always the easiest thing to understand. That’s okay. I’m autistic and I don’t always understand it. And that’s why words are wonderful: because they can help us make sense of things we don’t understand. The right words can show you a whole new side of something. That’s why I write this blog.

But for now, I thought I’d have a look at some of the most common analogies for Autism:

Possibly the most common analogy is the comparison of computer operating systems. Being autistic is being a Mac in a world of PCs. Ultimately they do the same thing but there are real differences that put them apart. Not all of the software is compatible, which causes problems when interfacing; you have to learn both to communicate smoothly. Functions require different commands on the keyboard or are found in different menus. To a PC, a Mac is weird and other but it’s just a different operating system. It’s also worth pointing out that the metaphor extends in that both PC and Mac can get viruses as both neurotypical and autistics can have mental illnesses. Mental illness and Autism are not synonymous and it’s important that that is always made clear.

Another analogy I’ve recently come across is being a cat in a room full of dogs. In an attempt to fit in, you try and join in, playing and running after sticks. But none of these things feel natural and in reality, you’d rather do your own thing (or sleep). And you only want attention on your terms. You are obviously not a dog, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get on with dogs; it just takes a bit of patience.

A good analogy for day-to-day life as an autistic person is the coke can analogy. Throughout the day, each task, each thing that requires concentration and energy, shakes the coke can a little. Over the day, that builds and builds until you’re just trying to keep it from exploding, at least until you get home. Sometimes you can release the fizz slowly but sometimes it’s all too much and the can explodes, resulting in a meltdown.

So far these are all I’ve found that make sense to me although I’m sure there are more out there. How do you explain or describe Autism? Do you use variations of these ones or do you have entirely different ones?

New Old Medications Thoughts

If I’m honest, I’m still not sure what I’m doing – how I feel about my writing – but there’s been a lot in my head this week so I thought I’d just try and get it all down. Maybe it’ll help.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it already but after two and a half years of trying medications, I’m back on Phenelzine for my depression. I’m back on the drug I was trying to get away from. Back in 2017, it was starting to fail but I was also starting to fight it. The lifts to my mood felt artificial and suffocating. I felt depressed but there was this thick layer of calm suppressing it and it was causing me great, great distress. I felt like I was scratching at the walls of my mind with my fingernails, desperate to get out and just feel how I was feeling. Of course, feeling deeply depressed is a miserable, paralysing experience but at least it felt real. It was the truth and the truth is one of the most important things to me.

But despite all of that, I’m taking it again and I can’t help feeling like we’re starting to run out of options. We must be if we’re going back to a drug that I struggled with, that stopped working – although it’s true that it did work for a significant period of time. But we started looking elsewhere for a reason. Multiple reasons. I voiced that in the session with my psychiatrist and he said that there are still options but I can’t help worrying. Because if I’m running out of options at the age of twenty four, that’s a lot of life left without much to work with. Will we reach a point where I just have to live with it? Live with crushing depression and paralysing anxiety?

And let’s talk about anxiety. Last time I was taking the Phenelzine, I also took Quetiapine, primarily for the insomnia that the Phenelzine caused but it also helped with my anxiety. Because it’s a sleep aid, it has a sedating effect, which helped me to manage that constant anxiety. But I can’t go back to it. The sedative effect almost seemed to increase over time and it got harder and harder to wake up in the mornings. It was like I was so deep underwater that I couldn’t find the surface; I could hear people talking to me but I couldn’t open my eyes or move or speak. By the time we were abandoning the Phenelzine, it was so bad that I was losing half the day just trying to wake up. I can’t go through that again. It was awful.

So that limits the options, if I can’t take that or any of the similar drugs. The drug we’ve decided on is Diazepam. I’ve been taking it on and off over the last year and it works; it stabilises my emotions when they get out of my control. But it has addictive potential and I’m not supposed to take it every day. So, every day, I have to look at my anxiety and feel my anxiety and assess whether it’s bad enough to take the medication. And that’s exhausting. I never get an escape from it. To me, that’s not living. That’s managing.

But this is it for the moment. This is life. We’ll reassess in a month.