Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 – Out Now!
Posted on February 28, 2026
“This EP isn’t just music; it’s connection, validation, and advocacy wrapped in melody.” (x)
My proudest achievement of 2025 was releasing new music: two singles and an EP! Having not released a project since my Honest EP in 2020 (although I later released the acoustic version in 2021), I’ve been so desperate to release more music but health stuff got in the way and it took a long time to get back to a place where I was even close to capable of managing the stress of putting out a new project (and stressful it was). Given everything that happened between late June and December, I didn’t have the headspace, the physical ability, the time, or any combination of the three to write about it properly. But I didn’t want to skip it because it is so important to me and to the last year so – finally – here is the post about my recent EP, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1. This is – hopefully – the first in a series about my experiences of being autistic, inspired by how lonely and isolating it was to grow up, never seeing or hearing my life represented in books, film, TV, music, and so on. It’s taken a long time to feel ready to take on a project like this but now that I am, I know without a doubt that this is the art that I’m meant to be making.
“What makes Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 powerful is its dual role as personal diary and shared lifeline. Hooper writes for her younger self, for others navigating similar realities, and for those who may be hearing these experiences articulated for the first time. The result is a project that doesn’t just speak – it listens back, offering connection in a world that often overlooks the voices that need to be heard most.” (x)
To reintroduce myself and to lay the foundation of the EP, I released two singles at the beginning of the year called ‘Write This Out‘ and ‘In The Mourning.’ When I was planning the EP and choosing which songs to include on it, which songs felt like the most important to include on a first EP – my first EP – about being autistic, I felt like neither of them were quite the right fit. But they still felt like important parts of the story that I wanted out in the world so they became the two singles released ahead of the EP and its official first single. And even though they’re separate releases, they’re deeply connected on a thematic level and so, to represent that connection, I used photos from the EP photoshoot for the cover artwork of each single.
“Every line in ‘Write This Out’ carries the grounded honesty of someone who has learned to create calm in the middle of chaos. It’s heartfelt without ever feeling heavy, and the sincerity behind her words lands with real clarity.” (x)
(Photography by Thomas Oscar Miles and editing by Richard Sanderson)
“Another personal moment that stood out to me was how the song leaves you with a sense of companionship, as if she’s reminding listeners that they’re not alone in the messier parts of their thoughts… It feels like the beginning of an important new chapter for her.” (x)
I’m so proud of them both, for so many different reasons, and each of them felt so key to setting the scene for the EP. ‘Write This Out’ is driven by the need to get overwhelming emotions out of my body but keep them documented and protected while ‘In The Mourning’ reflects my stream of consciousness after being diagnosed as autistic. I felt like both this feeling and this emotional process were important pieces of the picture that I hoped this EP would paint and releasing them first could only make for a deeper understanding of it. Obviously I can’t ensure that people listen to them ahead of the EP, now that it’s out in the world, but something has to determine in what order the music gets released and when the chronology of this music means a lot to me, why not?
“The songwriting is exquisitely vulnerable, with metaphors and lyrics that cut deep without ever losing hope.” (x)
(Photography by Thomas Oscar Miles and editing by Richard Sanderson)
“And then there’s ‘The Loneliest Whale,’ a track that feels like both a personal lament and a communal sigh – isolation turned into shared understanding.” (x)
The first official single of the EP was ‘The Loneliest Whale.’ As I talked about in the blog post I shared when I put this song out, I wrote it about The Loneliest Whale, a whale that sings at a higher frequency than other whales, making it impossible for them to communicate with each other; I’ve been fascinated by it for as long as I can remember and I’ve always wanted to write a song about it. I deeply related to this idea of feeling isolated from everyone around me, both before and after my diagnosis, and so I used the whale as a metaphor for the loneliness I have experienced as an autistic person. But it’s also about connection.
Before I sat down to write the song, I did some research to make sure all of my facts were up to date and discovered the extensive amount of art that has been made by people who have been moved by the story of The Loneliest Whale. So, so many individuals and communities relate to this story, to the emotions this whale represents, and I was so inspired by that. I’d originally expected the song to be a sad one but, after seeing how many people felt connected to this whale and having the epiphany of how connected we are to each other through these shared feelings, the song transformed into something more positive and uplifting. And because connection is the whole point of this EP, of all of the music I make, it was the obvious choice for the first single.
“With this album, both tender and powerful, Lauren Alex Hooper reminds us that music can be a space of refuge, truth, and connection. A rare and necessary project.” (x)
(Photography by Thomas Oscar Miles and editing by Richard Sanderson)
“In a world where pop often leans into glossy generalities, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 by Lauren Alex Hooper feels like a rare act of rebellion – not loud or brash, but intimate, precise, and unwaveringly honest. The five-track EP is a deeply personal exploration of Hooper’s experience as an autistic woman, told in vivid lyricism and delicately layered alt-pop production. It’s not just a collection of songs; it’s a lived reality, shaped into art.” (x)
While ‘The Loneliest Whale’ was the lead single, the EP opens with ‘Armour,’ a tumultuous track about the difficulty of masking as an autistic person in a neurotypical society. When I sat down to write this song, I was all set to write about how far I’d come with learning to unmask, only to realise that I hadn’t made as much progress as I’d thought. I’ve done a lot of work on it but I think that’s only made me realise how much more there is to do and that was more than a little bit overwhelming. After that particular revelation, my writing shifted and a theme I kept coming back to was how suffocated I feel by masking and the conflict between wanting to be my true self and the fear of rejecting the protection that masking can and has provided. It was clear to me very early on that this was the opening track because it’s a statement about trying to be more honest and authentic, a process which begins in earnest with this song, and it’s precisely the reason that this EP exists.
“Opening with ‘Armour,’ the artist lays bare the quiet violence of masking and the daily effort to hide neurodivergent traits for social acceptance. It’s a haunting introduction, with delicate instrumentation that mirrors the tension between self-protection and self-erasure.” (x)
Next up is ‘Eye To Eye,’ which builds on the intensity of the first track by digging into the tension and vulnerability of making eye contact, a well documented struggle for many autistic individuals for a whole spectrum of reasons. I’ve always found it difficult and while there were a handful of different things I could’ve focussed on, I most wanted to explore how deeply vulnerable it feels to be eye to eye with someone, to feel like they can see everything you’re feeling and everything you’ve been through. It was hard to write, especially the bridge, and it would’ve been so easy to be less vulnerable but, when that is the whole point of the song, it was really important to me to stay the course and not take the easier road.
“‘Eye to Eye’ and ‘The Loneliest Whale’ are masterclasses in metaphor, turning everyday autistic struggles into poignant pop poetry.” (x)
‘The Loneliest Whale’ sits in the middle of the EP’s tracklist at track three. I’ve already talked about it a bit above and I wrote more about the inspiration behind this song and the creative process – in this post – when it came out. It felt like such a special song right from the beginning and I’m so happy that I was able to release it despite it being pretty unconventional, subject matter-wise, for a pop song.
“‘The Loneliest Whale’ is the metaphor-rich centerpiece, capturing the feeling of calling out into the world and not knowing if anyone is listening.” (x)
The fourth song on the EP is ‘Overexposed,’ which is about my experience of sensory overload, about how overwhelming the world can be, and how hard it can be to exist in the world when it feels so bright and loud and emotional and intense. This is the oldest song on the EP: I wrote the original draft not long after I was diagnosed, on one of my first trips to Nashville with one of my best friends there, Caylan Hays, who is a beautiful songwriter and artist. It’s evolved quite a bit since then: I have a clearer understanding of sensory overload and I’m better at articulating my experience of it and both of those things have, of course, changed the song. But the central imagery of an overexposed photograph always stuck with me so I was keen to revisit it when writing for the EP.
“In ‘Overexposed,’ sensory overload is rendered sonically through layered textures and dynamic shifts, allowing the listener to feel the push-pull of intensity and withdrawal. Hooper’s voice remains the constant – warm, clear, and unwavering, even in the most vulnerable admissions.” (x)
The final track of the EP is ‘Last One Standing.’ I wrote this from the point of view of the Agents of Shield character, Daisy Johnson, who has been one of my special interests from the moment I started watching the show (I’ve written more about her and some of the reasons I love her so much here and here) and, songwriting being my biggest and oldest special interest, I’d been thinking about how to bring the two together for a long time. I must’ve spent hours watching edits and fanvideos on YouTube, noting the scenes from the show that featured repeatedly and analysing the songs chosen, from the emotional undercurrent of the track to the lyrical themes to the production choices. It gave me such an insight into what other fans of the character loved about her, what resonated with them, the themes and sounds they associated with her. When I eventually brought the idea to Richard, I knew exactly what I wanted the song to sound like: an anthem of tenacity and perseverance and strength… all of the things that Daisy Johnson has always represented to me. And as I wrote the lyrics, I tried to channel the hours I’ve spent absorbing the show and so I shaped the language around her speech patterns, deliberately favouring some words and avoiding others. One review called it “unapologetically nerdy” and that may be the biggest compliment I could receive for this song, especially given the creative process behind it. I’m pretty sure it’s the biggest deep dive into not just one but two special interests that I’ve ever done; it’s my truest expression of autistic joy. But regardless of how deeply for me this song – and the creative process behind it – is, it ended up being a song that I really wanted to release because I think there are multiple meaningful messages in it. It’s a celebration of determination and resilience – and of autistic joy, particularly when that joy is a form of resistance and defiance – but it also represents, to me at least, the ongoing struggle that is being autistic in the often resistant, inflexible society that we live in, just to be seen and treated and accepted in the same way that our allistic peers are; you need self-belief and strength of will to keep taking steps forwards, to keep standing up for yourself and fighting for what you need and what you deserve. I needed a song to empower me, to remind me of this when I forget it, to lend me that energy on the days that I can’t find it within myself. It means a lot to me to have that and I hope it can do the same for those who listen to it.
“‘Last One Standing’ closes the set with hope and fierce individuality. It’s a love letter to the passions and inner worlds that sustain so many autistic people – and a powerful reclamation of identity.” (x)
(During the writing of the project)
“Lauren Alex Hooper’s Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 is a raw and open-hearted collection that speaks with quiet strength. Across five tracks, she explores identity, mental health, and neurodivergence without holding back or dressing things up. Her songwriting is honest in a way that feels lived-in, not performative. Each lyric feels like a page from a journal you were never meant to read but are lucky to experience.” (x)
The project started out very solitary as I figured out what I wanted to say and started writing the songs but as it grew, I got to work with more and more awesome people; I love the intimacy and laser focus of a small project but getting to bring in people who believed in the songs and the project… it felt like we were just feeding it more and more oxygen, which was really exciting. I love writing by myself – as evidenced by ‘Write This Out’ and ‘In The Mourning’ – but I also love collaborating: I wrote ‘The Loneliest Whale’ with one of my MA classmates, a super cool artist called lukeistired, and ‘Overexposed’ with my friend, Caylan, as I’ve already mentioned. I also took drafts of multiple songs to my longtime collaborator and writing partner, Richard Marc. Richard and I have been making music together for ten years now: we worked on my first single together, my first EP, and enough unreleased music to fill multiple hard drives. He’s a fantastic producer, songwriter, and guitarist (multi-instrumentalist, really) and we’ve always been good collaborators – and good at having fun while doing it. I’ve always been involved in the production of my songs but, with this project, I really dug into it with Richard, making both micro and macro choices and guiding the songs to sound like the colours I heard when I sang them. I’ve always found production quite overwhelming – and overstimulating – so to take new steps into that space and that process was really empowering and inspiring.
“Light touches of electronic instrumentation sit beside organic guitar parts and minimal beats. Nothing feels too polished, and that’s part of the charm. You’re not listening to a performance; you’re sitting next to someone telling their truth. […] It didn’t scream for attention, and that’s exactly why I kept thinking about it. There’s power in letting things exist without apology.” (x)
(Writing and recording with Richard Marc)
“In a world saturated with processed emotion, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 by Lauren Alex Hooper is a breath of fresh air – a quiet rebellion told in lush dream-pop textures and honest lyricism. The five-track EP is a deeply personal dive into Hooper’s lived experience as an autistic woman. From the whispering melancholy of ‘Armour’ to the anthemic tenderness of ‘Last One Standing,’ the project feels less like a performance and more like an intimate conversation. Acoustic warmth and subtle folk influences run like threads through each track, anchored by Hooper’s soft, expressive voice. It’s a voice that invites, reassures.” (x)
During the recording process, I was able to bring in several friends to build the sonic world of the songs. Richard and I invited our friend, Lasse Corus – who is an incredible drummer – to record live drums on several of the tracks, going back to Bluebarn Studios where we’ve recorded multiple times before. That was a really lovely way to bring some of the history behind this EP into the creation of it. I also invited my wonderful friend, Luce, to sing backing vocals on some of the songs: she’s a brilliant songwriter and a gorgeous singer, known as LUCE, and it was so special to have her voice on this project. She’s witnessed this project take shape from a core idea to everything it is now along with all of the growth that came with it, not dissimilarly to how I’ve watched her upcoming project blossom from the original idea into something so much bigger and bolder. Creating such personal projects in parallel was so inspiring to me – I truly can’t wait for her to put her project out into the world – and so it meant a lot to me to have her singing on the project.
“It’s vulnerable but never self-pitying, wounded but unafraid to bite back.” (x)
(Lasse recording the drums for one of the tracks // Richard, Luce, and I listening back to Luce’s backing vocals)
The tracks were mixed and mastered by Josh Fielden of Sprogglet Studios, who has worked on all of the music that Richard and I have made together and he always does such a fantastic job. I love the richness he’s able to bring out of my voice and the arrangements. He’s also the patron saint of patience when it comes to my perfectionistic tendencies.
“The EP’s production balances indie-pop accessibility with singer-songwriter intimacy. Electronic elements weave around acoustic foundations, creating a space where personal storytelling meets contemporary sonic design. This balance allows the themes to resonate without feeling didactic; the songs invite empathy rather than demand it.” (x)
(The day of the EP photoshoot)
“Lauren Alex Hooper’s Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 is a revelation. With five strikingly personal tracks, Hooper dismantles the myth of the “universal” pop experience by offering something rarely heard: an unfiltered, autistic lens. The EP is both emotionally raw and musically refined – a delicate balance that showcases her songwriting depth and willingness to confront difficult truths.” (x)
I also had the utter joy of working with Thomas Oscar Miles on the cover art. I’d discovered his photography on Instagram and we talked about collaborating on a project for years – beginning in 2021, I think. Then, in 2024, we finally got to work together on the photoshoot for the EP’s artwork. We spent hours on Zoom, discussing the themes and sending moodboards back and forth, and we got on really well so, in many ways, I was really looking forward to the photoshoot. But I was also incredibly nervous: I was in a really bad place with my issues around body image and I was so anxious that, regardless of how much I was looking forward to working with Thomas, I would end up hating the photos because of those issues. I so wanted to love them and be proud of how they represented the project but I was stuck in an endless loop of anxiety about it, convinced that I would never even be able to like them because they were photos of me.
Fortunately, we got on just as well in real life as we had online. It was absolutely freezing that day – Thomas’ train had actually been delayed because of snow – and I couldn’t feel my face, hands, or feet by the time we decided that we had everything we needed, after almost two and a half hours of taking photos. But I didn’t want it to end! It was such a fun shoot and we laughed so much and it felt so inspiring and creative and collaborative. We did a quick flick through the photos at the end, I was so excited by what I saw. I loved them! Thomas edited them beautifully and then Richard finished them up to be cover art ready. I’ve truly loved the artwork of every project I’ve released but these ones feel beyond special; they’re going to be incredibly difficult to outdo on the next project…
“A powerful five-track EP that marks her most personal and resonant work to date. With this project, Hooper doesn’t just share songs; she shares herself. Drawing from her lived experience as an autistic woman, the EP dives deep into the emotional terrain of neurodivergence with honesty, clarity, and a quiet but undeniable strength. In a pop landscape that too often glosses over complexity, Hooper offers something different: a raw, nuanced, and deeply human portrait of life lived in contrast to the neurotypical norm.” (x)

(Photography by Thomas Oscar Miles)
“In a world that constantly asks autistic people to shrink themselves – to be quieter, more adaptable, more like everyone else – Lauren Alex Hooper is doing the opposite. On her new EP, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1, she’s louder in the best way: more honest, more direct, more herself. The result is one of the most emotionally gripping alt-pop releases of the year. A seasoned songwriter with a delicate but defiant voice, Hooper has always used music as a way to process and communicate her inner world. But this time, she’s not holding back. Each of the five tracks on the EP offers a deeply personal window into the complexities of living as a neurodivergent woman.” (x)
I knew going in that the promotion of the EP was going to be the hardest part for me, both before and during the rollout: I am so grateful to Tahnee, to Abi, and to Amelia and her team at Decent PR for all of their advice and their help and, perhaps most of all, their belief in me and my music. I so appreciate all of the time and effort that they put in to helping me get this EP in front of people who really heard the songs, who connected to them, and who really understood what I was trying to say, what I was hoping people would hear. And as a result of that, I’m so grateful to those people who listened to it and felt so moved by it that they wrote about it and encouraged other people to listen to it, because they felt it mattered that much. There have been so many wonderful reviews that I’m honestly still reeling because I never imagined hearing something I’d made described this way:
- “This is not just a strong EP – it’s an essential one.” (x)
- “A rare and necessary project.” (x)
- “A sonic memoir that defies convention.” (x)
- “It’s raw, real, and really important.” (x)
- “[She] doesn’t just claim space – she expands it.” (x)
- “It’s a quiet revolution.” (x)
And, of course, I cannot say thank you enough to those of you who have listened to the EP, those of you have who have streamed it, bought it, blasted it in the car or cried to it under your duvet… To everyone who has listened to it, watched the videos, and followed my social media over this last year, I am so deeply grateful for you. I can’t believe how many people these songs have reached in just over twelve months: I’m a super small artist – I don’t have thousands of listeners on Spotify or thousands of social media followers – so the fact that these songs have been streamed over 100,000 times is amazing to me. I can only hope that they’ll go on to reach more people over time and that this is just the beginning of something even bigger and more beautiful.
“[Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1] feels like a rallying cry wrapped in melody – not loud or angry, but insistent, intimate, and brave. For those who’ve long felt like their stories were too much, or not enough, Hooper offers a reminder that they’re exactly right, just as they are.” (x)
And so, many months later, we have the round up of my most recent EP, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1. It was a cathartic, empowering, and challenging process but I’m so proud of it and I’m so grateful for the love it has received ever since I put out the first single in January 2025. Putting out music, especially as an independent artist, is an expensive, complicated, and risky endeavour and so to have it received so warmly made it all worth it. Calling it a rollercoaster would be an understatement, especially considering the most recent logistical nightmare – all of the music I’ve ever released disappearing from every music platform (years off my life, I swear!) – but I never expected making music as an autistic (and disabled) person to be easy; I always knew that it would take everything I had and then some. But these songs, and the experiences that inspired them, are so important to me and, somewhat unbelievably, I’m starting to see how important they are to other people too. All I’ve ever wanted to do is to make honest and vulnerable music and to help other autistic people feel less alone in the world and if this project has done that for even one person, then all of the difficulties will have been worth it. And going forward, hopefully my music can help two people, and then three, and then four… If that’s how my music career is ultimately measured then I could not be more proud.
“What sets this EP apart is this creative’s refusal to simplify or sanitize her truth. She doesn’t shape her experience into something more palatable. She lets it stand as it is: complicated, beautiful, and often misunderstood. Her lyricism is sharp and evocative, her voice rich with sincerity, and the production choices consistently elevate the emotional core of each track. Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 is a cultural milestone. Lauren Alex Hooper is forging a new path for autistic representation in music, and she’s doing it with honesty, grace, and undeniable talent.” (x)
“This EP doesn’t just tell a story – it reshapes how stories like these are told. Hooper has found her voice, not in spite of her autism, but through it. And with Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1, she’s made a compelling case that the future of pop is broader, braver, and more inclusive than we imagined.” (x)
Thank you so much for reading and you can listen to the EP here.
Grateful 2025
Posted on January 1, 2026
TW: pet loss, pet death, depression.
I had hoped to get this up on Christmas Eve – like I used to – but given everything that’s been going on with my mental and physical health and the resulting fatigue, I’m not writing as quickly or as effortlessly as I have done in the past. But fast or slow, writing down my thoughts helps me to reflect and, considering how extreme the highs and lows of this year have been, some reflection – especially on the good things in my life – has helped me to feel more grounded as the year ends.
MY MUM – I’m always grateful for my Mum but I couldn’t have imagined the ups and downs of this year if I’d tried and I absolutely couldn’t have gotten through them without her. Between Daisy (my Autism Assistance Dog) moving in and getting settled, the difficulties and stress surrounding releasing new music, music and conference commitments, chronic pain and illness flare ups, a pinched nerve, a hospital visit, and a debilitating mystery illness (which, thankfully, has now been demystified and I’m starting to recover from), she has been an anchor, a touchstone, and a source of endless support. And considering the busy year she’s had, I’m so beyond grateful that I don’t know how to fully express it. I just know that there’s no way I could’ve survived this year without her.
MY PARENTS – With everything going on this year, I’m so grateful to have had the support and encouragement of my parents. Everyone’s had a lot to deal with – it’s certainly not been the easiest twelve months – but they’ve still been there for celebration and every challenge that this year has brought. They’ve been so supportive of everything I’ve taken on this year – and not just mine: they’ve been champions of my friends and their projects too, which I couldn’t love them more for.
THE TIME I HAD WITH LUCY – I still feel so deeply sad and the house feels so lonely without Lucy but I would never give up the time I had with Lucy; I will always be grateful for every moment I had with her, even at the end when it was so distressing – for all of us. She was with me through so much hard stuff, through so much growing up, and coming home to her was always so comforting. She was so special – so sweet and affectionate and sensitive – and she’ll always have a special place in my heart; I’ll always love her more than I can properly explain. Nothing I say feels like it’s enough. I miss her more than I know what to do with and I still feel more than a bit lost and untethered without her at the centre of the house.

THE FAMILY OF CATS – Between the arrival of Daisy early in the year, the loss of Lucy, my health issues, and the summer months when they’re almost entirely in the garden, home has felt very much in flux and I haven’t seen as much of my little family of cats as I would’ve liked and that’s been really hard. It was also incredibly scary to find out that Sweep, one of the youngest generation, suddenly needed a really big surgery, especially so soon after Lucy had had to be put to sleep. But fortunately, it went really well and she recovered beautifully, if impatiently. Things are getting better: they’ve migrated back inside with the colder weather and they’re slowly becoming braver – or at least less likely to run – around Daisy. It’s not that she’s a danger to them in any way, she’s just deeply enthusiastic and bouncy, the unpredictability of which they are not fans of (plus she must seem huge to them, while Izzy has always been even smaller than they are). They’re getting used to her and she’s getting better about not bounding up to them every time she sees them. It’s been a big change for everyone and I’m honestly just so grateful that, even with Daisy’s arrival, they’ve never doubted where their home is. I’m so, so grateful for the time I have had with each of them this year – I don’t take a second of it for granted – and I’m hopeful that things will only improve and become more stable going forward.
IZZY – I’m so grateful to have this fluffy, little sock thief in my life. She’s a constant source of love and joy and hilarity. If she could, she’d spend every hour of the day in my lap and I can’t say I’d complain; she spends almost all day curled up against me on the sofa and then all night curled up against me on my bed. She’s so adorable, so sensitive and snuggly, and she’s so funny and playful. She has struggled a bit since Daisy moved in: she doesn’t like having to share me. She gets jealous of how Daisy supports me and tries to take over, tries to prove that she can do it just as well as Daisy can and, to her, Daisy is big and enthusiastic and unpredictable (and Izzy’s face is right at the height of Daisy’s furiously wagging tail, which has caused more than a few incidents between them). They’re getting there and, thankfully, Daisy is very patient with her; I couldn’t bear it if they were just fundamentally incompatible. My relationship with Izzy is so deeply special, both because of how it began and what it’s grown into, and she’s a constant comforting presence that I’m beyond grateful for.
DAISY, MY AUTISM ASSISTANCE DOG – At the beginning of the year, Daisy officially moved in and, a few months later, she was fully qualified as my Autism Assistance Dog. I’ve posted about almost all of the training process but I really need to write something about what it’s been like since she was qualified; I don’t think this post is the place to reflect on all of that because I have so many thoughts on it but this post would’ve been incomplete without her. It’s safe to say that it’s been a massive change and, as someone who’s not very good at change, it has been a hard year with a lot of anxiety. It takes time, after all, for any dog to settle into a new home, as does getting an Assistance Dog used to more and more situations and environments. She’s been doing so well and I don’t think I’ve been doing too badly either but it’s been slow going, especially as it’s been complicated by a chronic pain flare up, a pinched nerve, and months of stomach issues. So we haven’t done as much as I would’ve liked but I’m really proud of everything we’ve managed so far. Her relationships with Izzy and with the cats are still developing and their interactions don’t always go smoothly but they have and are making progress. It’s easy to spiral about them never truly getting on but I have to trust the progress they’ve made so far and that they can make more. She’s an amazing dog: sweet, smart, eager to please, always up to play or snuggle… She has such a gorgeous face and she gets so excited whenever I pick up her jacket: she’s so excited to do her job, which is just adorable and always makes me feel calmer about going out with her. It’s a long process, getting confident working as a team, but every step has been in the right direction and I’m really grateful for that. I’m also really grateful for the ongoing support from Autism Dogs. I wouldn’t have Daisy at all without them, of course, but their support this year – from accommodating me during the the final stages of Daisy’s training to the regular check ins – has been amazing and so appreciated. It’s been a huge undertaking, especially as a chronically ill and disabled person, but they’ve been so helpful and so encouraging. I’m not sure we could’ve done this without their consistent support.
(Left: Izzy // Right: Daisy, my Autism Assistance Dog)
MY THERAPIST – Having abandoned talk therapy and started somatic therapy for trauma release in 2024, this was the year that I really committed everything to it and although I’m not sure I can fully explain it, I can say that it has had a huge impact on my life. Without a doubt. I learned a lot in talk therapy but I think it can only do so much when it comes to neurodivergence and trauma (although that’s just my opinion based on my experience) and somatic therapy takes a very different approach. I’ve been working with my therapist on learning to regulate my nervous system and helping my brain and body to reconnect so that my brain is able to recognise the trauma that my body is holding onto and then strengthening it so that I can go on to process that trauma as my brain and body feel able to. For a long time, I’ve struggled to fully feel my feelings, like I can only feel so much before they get shut down and, over the last six months, that’s started to change, which is both amazing and kind of terrifying. There is a reason we shut down these feelings after all. But my therapist is brilliant. Right from the beginning, we’ve gotten along really well and I so appreciate how she’s adopted my special interests to help me make sense of aspects of somatic therapy and how to get the most out of it; she always meets me where I am and I’ve never felt alone in the process. Because somatic therapy focusses much more heavily on feeling (while talk therapy – in my experience, at least – focusses much more on thinking and reasoning), I feel like I often go into it very much on trust: I might not fully understand or feel whatever it is we’re working on in that moment or in that session but I trust my therapist and I trust her confidence in the process. It’s hard to define the progress I’ve made – trauma and safety and emotions aren’t easily measurable – but I know it’s there. I’m learning a lot and my body’s learning a lot and I know that, in time, I’ll see the proof of all of this learning.
MY FIRST HYDROTHERAPY POOL AND FINALLY GETTING BACK TO THE POOL – Early in the year, the gorgeous pool that I’ve been using to do my hydrotherapy since 2021 closed, much to my distress. Not only did it fit all of my needs and allow me to do my exercises without an audience, it was an important fixture when my mental health was particularly bad (from late 2021 to late 2022). I was very attached. I’m so grateful for the time I had there: I needed a safe space, physically and emotionally, to start building my strength back up and I couldn’t have asked for anywhere better. Finding a new pool has been really difficult but I have recently started going to a new one; it’s not the same but it has different advantages and it does allow me to get back to working in the pool, which I am very grateful for. The transition is hard but I’ve never been particularly good at change. It will just take time; it always does.
THE TATTOOS I GOT THIS YEAR – Spending less time in the pool meant that getting more tattoos wasn’t as logistically complicated as it had been previously and over the last twelve months, I’ve managed to get several new ones, including my tangle for the ten year anniversary of my Autism diagnosis and a tribute to my beloved Lucy. I had hoped to get more but with four months of the year getting swallowed up by a pinched nerve and a mystery illness, just getting out of the house has been a challenge, let alone going to a tattoo studio and sitting through a session (having said that, I do actually find being tattooed more relaxing than painful – so far at least). I’m pretty sure they weren’t necessarily the ones I thought I’d be getting when I imagined this year but I’m certainly not complaining! I love them all and I’m looking forward to getting more whenever the opportunity presents itself.
(Left: Two dragons by @valeries.tattoo // Right: Tangle by @gaiahart)
POETRY ORCHARD – I touched on this in last year’s Grateful post but, at the beginning of 2024, I joined an online poetry community called Poetry Orchard and it was, without doubt, one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’ve written so much poetry that I’m so proud of since I started going to their workshops, which are always fun and cathartic and inspiring; they’re always a highlight in my week. And I’ve met so many amazing people in this community: they’re all so lovely and thoughtful and such brilliant writers. There’s not one among them that shouldn’t be a published poet. We have the most interesting, moving discussions and I feel so seen and so understood (there’s a lot of overlapping experiences with mental health, neurodivergence, disability, chronic illness, and so on). I feel so lucky to have found this space and the friendships that have grown from it are so special to me.
MY FRIENDS – I’m so, so grateful for my friends, from the steadiness of my oldest friendships to the blossoming of the newer ones. Between working with Daisy and releasing new music in the first half of the year and my chronic pain and illness during the second half, I haven’t seen nearly enough of them but they’ve still been so supportive of me, of my music, as I’ve struggled with my health stuff… I feel so lucky to have such wonderful, kind, creative, and passionate people in my life; I’m inspired by them everyday and it’s an honour to play even the tiniest role in the incredible work they’re doing and putting out into the world, even if all I am is a witness and cheerleader. I see them changing the world, person by person, and I can’t be anything but thankful for the path that led me to each and every one of them.
RELEASING MUSIC AGAIN – This year, I finally, FINALLY, released new music and, not only that, but I released my beloved Autism centric project, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1. I started working on this in 2021 but I’ve been thinking about it for even longer and now it’s finally out in the world and people are actually listening to it! I’ve had some amazing feedback on it and some of the stories people have shared with me upon hearing it have been so incredibly touching. I’m so grateful to everyone who has listened to it so far and I am so beyond grateful to everyone who helped me to make it what it is and then get it out in the world. Working with you all was an absolute joy and I could not have done this without you. It may have been the most stressful experience of my life but I have never been so proud of anything and I can’t wait to share what I have planned for 2026.

(Write This Out – Single, In The Mourning – Single, The Loneliest Whale – Single, Too Close And Not Enough, Vol. 1 – EP (top to bottom, left to right))
SO MANY GREAT SHOWS – Concert wise, I thought last year was probably unbeatable with so many incredible concerts – from the super special album release shows of my friends to the almost-four-hour-long epic that was Taylor Swift’s The Eras Tour – but this year was also deeply special in its own way. Several of my friends released new music and I got to see them perform those songs live at the launch parties. Cora Rebel released her second EP, Small Town Murder, which I love even more than her first EP, Room For Wonder. I’m not kidding: I’m still obsessed with every single song. Similarly, I’ve been a fan of Jaz Beeson’s music since we met at university and the EP she released this year, Aren’t You Cool, is so good and her live performance has only gotten better since I last saw her and her band perform. I also made friends with the wonderful Tygermylk this year and when they released their debut album, Local Girl, Always Tired, I got to see them play the whole album live in a beautiful church in London; it was such a special event. I feel so lucky to have so many creative friends putting such awesome work out in the world and I’m so excited for what I know is coming in the new year. I also got to see Maisie Peters at one of her two Before The Bloom shows, where she gave us a sneak peak at her new album while revisiting past songs that she felt reflected the same energy as the new music, which I thought was a really cool way of structuring a gig; I got to see Maren Morris blow the roof off The Roundhouse with one of my greatest friends (we’ve been going to her shows together since The Hero Tour in 2017); and Gracie Abrams just blew me away on The Secret of Us Tour to the degree that I bought a ticket to a second show because she was so good. And I can’t talk about amazing gigs without talking about Erin LeCount (although I want to talk about her more in a minute). I saw her first in May where she headlined Bush Hall in London and she was amazing. I wasn’t able to see her the next time she was in London (because the accessibility team at the venue were actually the worst I’ve ever encountered) but when I saw her in December when she sold out KOKO in London, she was absolutely incredible: she only released her second EP in April and she’s already such a compelling performer. That second show was one of the best I’ve ever been to and I was so moved when she played my favourite songs that I cried (something I’m rarely able to do in public after years of masking). It was a deeply special year of concerts, just like 2024 but in a very different way. I’m grateful for every single one.
(Left: Sarah Close, Cora Rebel, Gracie Abrams, Erin LeCount (clockwise) // Middle: Gracie Abrams, crybby, Maisie Peters, Jaz Beeson (clockwise) // Right: Maren Morris, Tygermylk, Erin LeCount, Erin LeCount (clockwise))
And while it wasn’t a show, I did get to go and fangirl my little heart out at Ascension, a new Stargate convention. I got to see so many of my friends from The Companion, which was so much fun and although Amanda Tapping, one of my biggest heroes, had to pull out of the event, I got to meet Richard Dean Anderson who is the most wonderful human being and it was such a special experience. And he’s such a dog person so he and Daisy had some absolutely gorgeous moments together. It was Daisy’s biggest outing so far but she did brilliantly and was absolutely adored by everyone from the moment I took her jacket off to the moment I put it back on again – everyone was so respectful when she was working, which made the experience so much easier for the both of us, and it was so lovely to see how happy she made all of the guests and attendees, especially when she was off duty and was allowed to interact with everyone. Richard Dean Anderson called her his favourite convention attendee, which still makes me smile so much. I can’t wait for Ascension 2 in 2026!
ERIN LECOUNT’S MUSIC – I found Erin LeCount in late 2024 and her music completely dominated my listening time over the last year. She put out her second EP, I Am Digital, I Am Divine, in April, which is a stunning, beautifully cohesive project: the concept, the themes, the lyrics, the vocals, the melodies, the production… they’re all incredible. When she released the EP, she described it as being “about feeling dysfunctional and like there is something inherently wrong with you, the ‘digital’ being this neurotic, obsessive, ‘cold’ and very analytical part of me that felt like a battling a part of me that’s very sensitive, the ‘divine’ and the big overwhelming feelings. They’re two sides of the same coin that I’m always finding how to balance, and these songs are all those many imbalances and highs and lows.” I relate to that statement so much and I relate to every song, although my favourites are ‘Marble Arch,’ ‘Sweet Fruit,’ and ‘Silver Spoon’ (I’ve written more about the individual songs in my upcoming Songs of 2025 post so I won’t double up by deep diving into them here), with lyrics like “I am hard to love / Not what you thought / Am I? Am I? Am I? / Is there a fault in my core? / Did I do something wrong? / Did I? Did I? Did I?” and “I need someone / To look through and see me, to rip out the weeds / Growing where my heart was” and “I split the good wine, I panicked / A disaster, a knee-jerk reaction / Then everyone around us starts laughing / Is that how it’s meant to happen?” and “You were sweet, I got mean / And when we fight, I refuse to eat.” She’s since released two more songs, ‘808 HYMN‘ and ‘MACHINE GHOST,’ both of which I love but ‘MACHINE GHOST’ instantly became my favourite song of this year and probably for a long time to come; I feel the theme of dissociation so deeply (especially as I do more and more somatic work and the connection between my brain and body gets stronger – I actually listen to this song during therapy because my therapist says my body is more receptive to releasing trauma compared to when I’m not listening to it) and the lyrics, like “It hurts to stand, it hurts to stand / It hurts to stand, it hurts to stand,” and “Lights come on and there’s nobody home / And all my love pushed my back against the wall / Can someone tell god I should be feeling this more? / I can’t love you like I am supposed to / Baby, you’re the machine and I’m the ghost,” and “‘Cause everything starts hurting when I see the world in colour / And I wanna turn it off,” and “I’m not at the party and I’m not in my body,” feel like they could’ve been written for me. I feel so seen and so validated by her music and watching her produce all of her music and then recreate some of these tracks live on stage is so inspiring to me, so much so that I’ve started learning more about production for my own creative process when making music. I’ve already talked about seeing her live and how special that has been, her recent show at KOKO being one of the best shows I’ve ever been to. I wish I’d found her sooner but I’m so grateful that I found her when I did because her music means so much to me and watching her creative process and live performance develop in real time is so, so beautiful.
There has been so much to be thankful for, despite how difficult this year has been. In my experience, the relationship between gratitude and depression can be a complicated one, given how depression distorts reality and dampens emotions, and it’s something I’ve been struggling with for several years now. Sometimes engaging with that tug of war is just too hard, especially when I’m already working so hard in therapy, so the only thing I can do is acknowledge that it’s there – that it is complicated – while honouring the things in my life that are objectively positive, the things that make my life better. Sometimes that’s all you can do and that’s got to be enough.
A Four Month Detour…
Posted on December 24, 2025
I really didn’t mean to abandon this blog but the last four months have been completely miserable, healthwise.
Less than a week after I last posted, I started experiencing what felt like electric shocks in my lower back. It was so painful that, at times, all I could do was scream. Even when the electric-shock-like spasms weren’t actively happening, I was in – quite possibly – the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. And given my experience with chronic pain, that’s saying something. It was horrendous, especially as the painkillers that usually give me some relief weren’t having any effect. Eventually I managed to get some stronger painkillers from my GP and they were so strong that, for the first few days, I could barely keep my eyes open: I was asleep for around twenty hours each day. Thankfully, that did wear off after a while but I still felt slow and blurry while taking them.
It was a completely new kind of pain for me and while we had a few theories from the network of health professionals I’ve worked with, we still didn’t know what was causing it, how long it would go on for, or if it was a permanent change. The massage therapist I’ve done some work with – who has both personal and professional experience of Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and chronic pain – was a godsend and thankfully, my Mum found a new physiotherapist nearby who had professional experience with hEDS and who was able to come to the house to see me. He was fantastic: he was thoughtful and thorough and explained everything with great care (sometimes multiple times); he really listened to me and took my priorities into account when choosing the exercises for me to do; I felt like he actually cared about me as a whole person, which has not been a common experience. He assessed me and felt that I had a pinched nerve in my lumbar spine, which typically heals in about eight to twelve weeks. That felt like an interminably long time but I was relieved to hear that he expected the pain to go away. He gave me some very gentle exercises to do as I felt able to, with the goal of strengthening the muscles in my back to support my especially hypermobile lumbar spine (and hopefully reduce my chronic pain). Between the pills (despite the side effects), the massage, the physiotherapy exercises, and the time that I was forced to take to rest properly, the pain finally started to decrease and I was able to slowly increase my mobility – I’m still working on that.
Unfortunately that was only the first part of the story. In early October, I started to struggle with multiple symptoms that I’ve rarely experienced, including stomach pain, nausea, acid reflux, and difficulty swallowing. It made eating so difficult that I could barely keep any food down and it made sleeping difficult because I felt worse when I was lying down. I felt awful but my Mum had been unwell a week or so earlier and so I assumed that it was the same thing and would pass relatively quickly; I thought I just had to rest and wait it out, like I often do with a seasonal illness or the symptoms of my chronic illnesses. But that didn’t happen. The symptoms got more intense until I wasn’t eating at all – sips of water were all I could manage – and the POTS symptoms I experience everyday had become debilitating. I hate going to the doctor but if there was ever a time, this was it.
I managed to get an appointment with one of the GPs pretty quickly – not my usual GP but that isn’t unusual and I did manage to get an appointment with her for later in the week – but when I explained what was happening, this doctor said that there wasn’t time to explore each of the symptoms so she questioned me about the difficulty swallowing, prescribed me a medication, and sent me on my way. I was deeply unimpressed and had no confidence in her diagnosis or the medication: treating one symptom when several are presenting at the same time… that seemed very unlikely to help whatever was causing the multiple symptoms. I’m passionate about the NHS (and about improving it) but it’s not exactly straightforward when I’ve been repeatedly invalidated and mistreated by medical professionals.
I didn’t have time to even take the medication before the stomach pain got so bad that I couldn’t move. We ended up calling 111 and their recommendation was to call an ambulance and head to A&E. The idea of being in an ambulance – as an already overstimulated autistic person – felt horrific and I almost had a meltdown; I didn’t know what I was supposed to do when I felt like I could barely move. Eventually my Mum had to all but drag me into a cab to go to A&E. For once, being autistic was a help rather than a hindrance because the receptionist moved us straight from the initial waiting room into the actual A&E department where people were being assessed and treated. We still had a considerable wait ahead of us, which felt incredibly long given how much pain I was in. It wasn’t exactly a restful environment either: besides the patients and nurses coming in and out, there were paramedics and police and one young woman who cried the entire time she was there. If I hadn’t been in so much pain and so overstimulated, I might’ve been impressed – and a lot more sympathetic. But I was running on empty and on the edge of sensory overload and all I wanted was some quiet; it was a rough night – for everyone clearly.
After a couple of hours, several different nurses did a series of tests, including taking blood and doing an ECG (during which my cannula from the blood draw was jostled, leading to the bruise pictured below – that hurt for a while). A little while later, another nurse gave me a low dose of morphine that did, thankfully, slowly bring my pain level down. But after that, we were left for several hours; even when we were the only people left in the little waiting area, no one came for us or even gave us an update. I was starting to think we’d been forgotten about.
When a doctor did finally call my name, he didn’t have any real answers for me. He did at least have a reasonable understanding of hEDS and how it can cause strange or skewed test results: a hEDS body does not react to anything the same way a non-hEDS body does, surprise surprise. So there was no obvious explanation for my symptoms but he prescribed antibiotics and recommended getting a referral to the hospital’s Gastroenterology department if the symptoms weren’t resolved by the antibiotics. I don’t love the approach of just throwing medication at a problem and hoping it helps but I was desperate and that was the only option being offered.
(Left: the bruise left by my cannula, having being knocked during A&E tests // Right: me, asleep on the sofa the day after the night spent in A&E with Izzy keeping me company)
We got home around seven and I was asleep the moment I lay down on the sofa. I was just completely exhausted. I took the antibiotics I’d been prescribed but then, when I saw my actual GP, she was surprised by how high the dose was, adjusted it, and prescribed another antibiotic, as well as sending the referral to the Gastroenterology department at the hospital. Again, it wasn’t exactly reassuring since we still didn’t know what the actual problem was and I was starting to spiral a bit about the possibility that this was more than just a passing illness, that it was something much more serious that was getting overlooked (with the potential to lead to an even more debilitating outcome). But I tried not to go down that rabbit hole. I was trying to at least give the various medications a chance to work.
Over the next few weeks, I just lay on the sofa and tried to eat when I felt able to. Between my body trying to fight whatever was going on and the fact that it was trying to function on very little fuel, I was barely able to do anything. I was forced to rest, to literally just rest; I couldn’t even do the most passive of activities. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. My body and my brain were barely functioning: a good day consisted of a shower and watching TV (and eating what I could). But the medications started to work and, very slowly, I started to feel better and the symptoms started to decrease in intensity, even if I was still building back up my capacity after so long with so little fuel in my body. And then, just as I was finishing the courses of medication, I started to feel actually well again and I don’t think describing my mood as “overjoyed” would be an exaggeration. Eating went from being a struggle to being joyful (a word I don’t think I’ve ever used in the context of eating) and I was sleeping well, not only for the first time in weeks but in months: I was feeling so good that it felt more than a little surreal but I wasn’t complaining. It was a huge relief after eight weeks of feeling so terrible.
But less than a week later, the symptoms started to reappear and I started to feel really unwell again. I had bloodwork done (which had been ordered way back when I’d first gone to the doctor) but all of the tests came back fine or inconclusive again. I was wondering if the medications had been treating just the symptoms and not the underlying issue, which made me deeply anxious about what that underlying issue could be. I wasn’t sure what the next step was supposed to be but I’ve had a lot of conversations with a lot of different people in my various circles and, long story short, it seems that these digestive issues were a delayed response to the increase of one of my long term medications: some (professionally guided) experimentation has proved as much as is possible that my digestive system can’t handle this medication over a certain dosage so I’m currently taking a break from it (which is something you can safely do with this medication) while getting my food routine and some of my energy and strength back. After Christmas, or maybe the New Year, we’ll reassess and I’ll likely start taking it again at the lower dose since I had had a positive experience with it until that final dosage increase.
So that is where I’ve been: too sick to do anything, too sick to even write a blog post about being sick. When I say it’s the most unwell I’ve ever felt, I’m not exaggerating. I’ve dealt with a wide range of symptoms and various levels of pain during my life but never have I been so ill, in the way we typically picture illness. I’ve dialled everything right back to absolute basics and I am starting to feel a bit more normal, despite a few bumps in the road. Fingers crossed, I’ll be feeling more like myself again by the time the New Year rolls around…
Finding Hope