Posted on June 11, 2022
TW: Mentions of suicidal thoughts.
After a couple of months of Moclobemide, it became increasingly clear that it wasn’t really working. It was better than nothing but it wasn’t good enough; I was having less bad days than I’d been having previously but I wasn’t having many good days. I don’t expect constant happiness – I know that that’s not a realistic dream – but I have to believe it’s better than this. But, in order to try something new, I had to get off the Moclobemide first.
I was taking 300mg twice daily before I began to reduce the Moclobemide and I came off it fast. As always, this was a process I discussed with my psychiatrist and we made all of the decisions together, dependent on my medical history and our joint understanding of my reactions to these kinds of medications. This is just my experience. Please don’t start, change, or stop taking any medications without the advice and support of a medical professional.
150mg Twice Daily (+ 20mg Propranolol Twice Daily)
The first phase of the reduction was a little over a week and I didn’t feel particularly different. I was still feeling depressed and hopeless and miserable; I was so incredibly anxious. I didn’t want to be around people: I just felt so overwhelmed and oversensitive. I was feeling pretty unmoored and lost but on the worst days I felt pathetic and unaccomplished and useless. It was awful. Plus, it was a pretty hard week: although I had one really good hangout with a friend, I also had two quite upsetting medical appointments and a migraine that lasted several days.
Sleep-wise, it was still a struggle – as it has been for months. Getting to sleep was frustrating; sometimes it took hours, even on the few occasions that I took sleeping pills (I haven’t found them helpful since I tried ADHD medications back in November last year, which have thoroughly screwed up my sleep). The longer my difficulty with sleeping goes on, the more anxiety I have around it, which definitely isn’t helping. When I finally did sleep, I slept badly with the vivid, stressful dreams that I’ve come to associate with the changing of medications. I’d sleep late – into the afternoon – but even then, when I had managed to get up, I was still tired and sleepy, actually falling asleep on the sofa during the day several times.
I was craving food – particularly salty foods – but nothing satisfied the craving, which was incredibly frustrating.
It’s probably worth noting that I was in the middle of a pain flare up, with the pain mainly in my arms around the elbow. It was pretty bad, worse than the chronic pain has been for a while. It was especially bad in the mornings and was part of why I struggled to get up once I finally managed to wake up. It was so bad one day that I had to cancel my hydrotherapy session because just the thought of washing my hair in the shower had me near tears. Fortunately, it did start to get better by the end of the first phase, much to my relief.
150mg Once Daily (+ 20mg Propranolol Twice Daily)
The second phase of reducing the Moclobemide lasted ten days. It was a hard week: I was very depressed (and the suicidal thoughts were back) and I was easily overwhelmed and upset. It felt like my brain just wouldn’t shut up and kept magnifying all of the most distressing or anxiety-provoking thoughts I had; I was doing my best to keep myself distracted by mundane stuff as much as possible but I wasn’t always successful. As I said, it was a really hard week.
It was still taking me hours to get to sleep, even on the nights I was falling asleep on the sofa. Most nights, I slept badly and I had more of the same vivid, stressful dreams (and nightmares) before struggling to wake up, no earlier than eleven. I was sleepy within an hour of waking and Red Bull didn’t seem to help. I was so tired and so sleepy during the day; I fell asleep on the sofa in the day several times during those ten days. I was so tired all the time that I struggled to get anything done.
I was still craving the sensation of eating – especially salty foods, as I said – but again, food just wasn’t satisfying or filling in any way. I’ve got it under control for the most part – I’m getting better at resisting the urges and eating according to what I should be eating and not what I randomly want to eat which I then get no pleasure out of anyway – but it’s very frustrating. I’m also talking to a nutritionist about the specific salt craving and she’s sent off for blood tests to determine whether I have a vitamin or mineral deficiency that needs attending to.
The chronic pain got bad again after it’s momentary dip. It was so bad that it was repeatedly waking me up in the night and washing and drying my hair was an exhausting experience. I had several really bad pain days that made it a struggle to concentrate, to do anything. I also had a several horrible migraines that took me out of commission for a couple of days each, which was very unpleasant. They have been worse though so I’m grateful for that.
Washout (+ 20mg Propranolol Twice Daily)
The one day washout period was awful. I was deeply depressed with suicidal thoughts; I was barely functional. Fortunately, it was just one day without medication rather than the usual two weeks. That’s always the worst part of changing medications for me so I’m grateful that it was so short this time.
So coming off the Moclobemide wasn’t fun but it wasn’t as terrible as it could have been either. I’ve definitely had worse. I’m just glad it’s over and now I’m onto the next medication, which will hopefully be better. It’s hard to stay hopeful when I just seem to be finding medications that don’t work but even when I do feel hopeless, I honestly don’t know what else to do. So I just keep going.
[I just thought I’d add that, a few days after this, the chronic pain faded and I started to feel a lot better. So that was very good news.]
Category: chronic fatigue, chronic pain, depression, food, heds, medication, mental health, sleep, treatment Tagged: antidepressants, appetite, chronic fatigue, chronic pain, depressed, depression, drowsiness, eds, ehlers danlos syndrome, food, heds, hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome, maoi, maois, migraine, moclobemide, side effects, sleep, withdrawal symptoms
Posted on June 5, 2022
Summer is upon us, although it seems hesitant to commit this year. At least where I am. But we’ve had some gorgeous sun, some beautiful blue skies, and a spectacular summer storm. So I think we’re getting there. And thus I thought I’d share some quotes about summer…
“In early June the world of leaf and blade and flowers explode, and every sunset is different.” – John Steinbeck
“Summertime is always the best of what might be.” – Charles Bowden
“Summertime. It was a song. It was a season. I wondered if that season would ever live inside of me.” – Benjamin Alire Sáenz
“In summer, the song sings itself.” – William Carlos Williams
“One benefit of summer was that each day we had more light to read by.” – Jeanette Walls
“Summers had a logic all their own and they always brought something out in me. Summer was supposed to be about freedom and youth and no school and possibilities and adventure and exploration. Summer was a book of hope. That’s why I loved and hated summers. Because they made me want to believe.” – Benjamin Alire Sáenz
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable. Stuck in airless offices, every fiber of our being seems to cry out for freedom. We’re reminded of being stuck in double maths while the birds sing outside.” – Tom Hodgkinson
“In the summer, the days were long, stretching into each other. Out of school, everything was on pause and yet happening at the same time, this collection of weeks when anything was possible.” – Sarah Dessen
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy. To do nothing and have it count for something. To lie in the grass and count the stars. To sit on a branch and study the clouds.” – Regina Brett
“The sunshine was like powdered gold over the grassy hillside.” – Maud Hart Lovelace
“Live in the sunshine. Swim in the sea. Drink in the wild air.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Summer has a flavor like no other. Always fresh and simmered in sunshine.” – Oprah Winfrey
“In the summertime, when the weather is hot, you can reach right up and touch the sky.” – Mungo Jerry
“The summer night is like a perfection of thought.” – Wallace Stevens
“It’s summer and time for wandering…” – Kellie Elmore
“August rain: the best of the summer gone, and the new fall not yet born. The odd uneven time.” – Sylvia Plath
“The sun tires of summer and sighs itself into autumn.” – Terri Guillemets
“One must maintain a little bit of summer, even in the middle of winter.” – Henry David Thoreau
Summer was always a conflicting time for me. When I was in school, I mourned the end of comfortable routines and the parts of school that I liked but looked forward to the freedom of the holiday. It was the same during sixth form and university. This year is one of the first summers I’ve had without of educations on either side of it so it’s a bit weird; I’m in uncharted waters to a certain degree. And the COVID numbers are still far too high for my anxiety to relent around all of the possible socialising that summer traditionally involves.
Do you have any quotes that you associate with summer? Or if not quotes, what about poems or songs?
Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), ADHD (Inattentive Type), and Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), as well as several mental health issues.
I’m a singer-songwriter (it’s my biggest special interest and I have both a BA and MA in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is on all platforms, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.
My debut EP, Honest, is available on all platforms, with a limited physical run at Resident Music in Brighton.
I’m currently working on an album about my experiences as an autistic woman.