Mental Health Update (March 2022)

TW: Mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts.

It’s been a while since I did one of these updates and the last few months have been A LOT. An update is somewhat necessary, if only for blog cohesion. It’s all been pretty awful, hence all of my posts about medication: we’ve been desperately trying to get a handle on things. I’m not sure we have but there’s a natural point here, around medication and my upcoming trip to the US, so I figured now was probably the best time to do it…


The end of last year and beginning of this year was bad. Really, really bad. I was the most depressed I’ve ever been, self harming and suicidal. I’ve been suicidal in the past but never like this, never to this extent. It was awful but it was also kind of cozy and cotton wool-y, especially compared to what came next. I had a kind of anxiety-induced breakdown, something beyond and different to a meltdown, that just wrecked me. Like, it was so bad that I missed being suicidal. The anxiety was paralysing and the whole thing completely wrung me out. It was unbearable but it was probably the only thing that would’ve forced me onto the new medication – something I’d been resisting out of sheer exhaustion and hopelessness. But I couldn’t go on feeling like that. I was scared the medication would bury the stuff that needs dealing with and I still am but I couldn’t go on like that.

So I started taking Moclobemide but I was also taking Diazepam pretty consistently, given how bad my anxiety was. Things are better than they were – and I’m writing again, which is a good sign – but they’re still not great. I’m still struggling with a lot of stuff. I haven’t been able to go to therapy for a while now and I’m not sure when I’m going to be able to go back – that unexpected twist in the road certainly hasn’t helped. So I’m feeling kind of stuck in terms of how to move forward.

Physically, things haven’t been awesome either. My appetite hasn’t recovered much from the battering it took from the ADHD meds; I’m still not really eating but I am doing better than before so that’s something (the whole thing definitely hasn’t helped my already complicated relationship with food). And after a short break, my chronic pain is back with vengeance. It’s throughout my whole body but my arms, wrists, hands, and fingers in particular have been especially painful. I’m still waiting to hear back from the Pain Clinic. I haven’t written much about my experience with them; I guess I’ve kind of been waiting to have something to write about but so far, I haven’t received any proper support. They said they’d get back to me after their next team meeting but that was early November at the latest so I’m not exactly holding my breath. The Chronic Fatigue Service gave up on me – they literally told me my case was too complicated – and I don’t have high hopes about this experience either. I’ve been waiting for some sort of support for this pain since May 2020 and I know that the NHS have been overwhelmed but that is a really, really, really long time when you’re in pain.

My sleeping is better but still not great. The melatonin helped somewhat and I managed to wrestle my sleep cycle into something a bit more reasonable: rather than lying awake all night and then sleeping through the day, I am now at least sleeping mostly at night. But I’m incredibly tired all the time and I’m drowsy in the day again, just like I was when I was taking Phenelzine. I’ve picked up my Red Bull habit again – although not to quite the same degree (yet) – which I really never wanted to do again.

Between the sleepiness and the not feeling that much better, I’m not convinced by the Moclobemide. It’s pretty reasonable to assume – at this point – that MAOIs are the only antidepressants that help at all but as I said in my Moclobemide review, this level of better doesn’t feel like enough. I still don’t feel great; I don’t even really feel good. And I’m so sleepy, all the time. I don’t feel like it’s that much to ask for: to feel functional, to write songs, to have the capacity to feel good, to even be happy sometimes. Is that really more than I should hope for?


It’s been a long few months and it’s all left me feeling very raw. And, as excited as I am to get back to Nashville, I’m also terrified. The COVID risk aside, the whole world has been through this huge thing so how could going back not be different, feel different? It also just feels very soon to be out in the world for so much of every day when I still feel so… fragile, I guess. It’s like I’ve just started putting myself back together and I’m not ready for the Jenga tower to get toppled again, to start over. I don’t know if I have it in me. I just really hope – really, really hope – that everything goes as well as it can while I’m still getting my feet under me.

Goals For 2022 (Part 1)

I had intended to set goals at the beginning of the year but honestly, I was feeling so terrible that I couldn’t even see twenty-four hours ahead, let alone six months or a year. So I decided to shelve the setting of goals until I felt a bit more… like myself, I guess. I’m not sure I’m ready to commit to anything too… much just yet, given that I’m barely back on my feet (something that still feels debatable some days). It’s hard to plan ahead. So, I thought I’d split this post into two this year: goals for the first six months and then goals for the second. Maybe. It does feel a bit like I’m just going through the motions but maybe that’s just what I need to do right now.


GET MY MENTAL HEALTH STABILISED – Between the pandemic stuff I was already carrying around, the burnout post-MA, the disaster that was the ADHD medication, and the anxiety induced breakdown I had at the end of January (plus having been unable to see my therapist pretty much since last May), I’m one big mess. I’ve started the Moclobemide but it still feels too early to say for sure whether or not it’s the right thing. I’m starting to write again though, which is a good sign. Hopefully I’ll be back at therapy in the not too distant future, plus there are some other options for support to consider. I just feel like, until I get my head sorted – or at least a bit more sorted – my life is on hold and I hate it. I can’t have a real life until there’s some resolution here.

GET BACK TO SWIMMING – I haven’t been very mobile at all over the last few months, given how bad my mental and physical health has been, and I’m definitely feeling it. My chronic pain over the last couple of weeks has been awful – back to the levels it was last summer – and now that I actually feel able to leave the house, I really want to get back to swimming and to my hydrotherapy exercises. I want to get fitter and I want to get stronger; the hope is that, the stronger my body is, the better my life with hEDS will be.

RELEASE NEW MUSIC – I’m so desperate (in a good way) to release new music. It’s been so long since the Honest EP came out and even longer since I wrote the songs. So much has changed since then, for me as person and as a songwriter. I am working on an album and that’s my real passion project but it is going to take time and I don’t want to keep anyone waiting that long. Hell, I don’t want to wait that long. So I am working on music to release before the album and while it’s taking a bit longer because of the last few months, it is happening and it is coming.

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I don’t have an exact deadline for these goals, especially since mental and physical health don’t always adhere to any schedule you set for yourself. But I’m hoping that I can do these things – and perhaps more – within the first half of the year. Then, maybe, I can set a new series of goals that are a bit more exciting and ambitious once I’m feeling a bit more solid.

Goals For 2021 Reviewed

In hindsight, I don’t really know what I was thinking, setting goals when I had no idea what the year was going to look like. I’m not really surprised that I haven’t done as well as I would’ve liked, had the year been a normal year. But it wasn’t a normal year and I try to remember that when I feel myself getting stressed.


FIND A RHYTHM IN THERAPY AGAIN – This has been a tricky one. For various reasons, my therapy was fairly erratic for the first half of the year and then I wasn’t going at all until just a few weeks ago. A lot has happened and a lot has changed and going back is hard; it feels like I’m learning how to do therapy all over again. But we’ve worked through tough periods before. There’s no reason why we can’t figure out this one too.

PROGRESS WITH MY INVISIBLE BRACES – Okay, I officially failed at this. I’ve actually slipped backwards, going back to an earlier mold. It was just that, with everything going on, sleeping was the one time where I didn’t feel some sort of sensory overwhelm and I was so reluctant to lose that one safe space. I have worn it a little but not enough so I need to figure out a more manageable way to wear it.

WORK ON MY CORE – This has been a tricky one. Since the lockdown ended, I’ve been swimming as much as I can (and feel able to depending on various things: mental health, COVID numbers, etc) and I do feel like it’s helped, although it doesn’t feel like the pain mirrors how much or how little swimming I’m doing. Eleven months after the Hydrotherapy referral, I got a Physiotherapy appointment which resulted in them referring me to Hydrotherapy and a month or so later, I finally got a Hydrotherapy session. I’ve been doing the exercises by myself and I have a follow up appointment in the new year to make sure everything’s happening as it should. It’s too soon to know what effect it’s having but hopefully it’ll help with some of the problems caused by my EDS.

COMPLETE MY MAJOR REPERTOIRE PROJECT – I did it! It was hard work and utterly exhausting and, by the end, I was working twelve (or more) hours a day but I absolutely loved it. I loved being totally absorbed by one project and just writing as many songs for it as possible. I did struggle to balance what I wanted to do with the project with what I needed to do for the grade (although it’s true that trying to meet that criteria did result in it being a better project) but I had a fantastic supervisor, who was passionate and knowledgeable about a lot of the same things as me and who was also neurodivergent, which I think made a big difference when it came to tackling problems and her general support; my project was better because of her help. The day of my final presentation was a bit anti-climactic after everything and suddenly it was all over. But I’m so proud of the work I did, the many songs I wrote, and the mark I achieved, my highest out of every module. I’m so relieved, so happy, so proud, and so grateful to everyone who helped me get there. It was the best part of this year, easily.

FINISH MY MASTERS DEGREE – I still kind of can’t believe that I did this, given everything over the last couple of years. It’s so weird to look back at the beginning of the Masters in late 2019, knowing what I do now. But I did it: I completed my Masters Degree in Songwriting. During a global pandemic no less. But despite that, it was still an amazing experience; I met a lot of incredible people, I did a lot of work that I’m so proud of, and I got so much out of it. I’m so proud of my final project in particular and it was amazing to get such a high grade, as well as the Outstanding Student Award at graduation; that meant so much to me after everything that went in to getting the degree. And while I am excited for what comes next, I’m also really, really sad that it’s over; that’s the end of my education at ICMP and I don’t want my time there to be officially over. I loved my BA but doing an MA was the best thing I’ve ever done. It was beyond difficult and there were times when I hated it but it was an amazing experience and I’m so proud of myself and the work I did.

MAKE SIGNIFICANT PROGRESS IN CATCHING UP WITH MY DIARY – Yeah, no, I did not manage this. I’m barely managing to keep up, let alone clean up the messy notes I’ve been keeping over the last two years. My diary writing is in a state of chaos right now. It takes up so much time and causes me so much anxiety but I can’t stop; my OCD won’t let me. So I’m just keeping on keeping on; I don’t know what else to do.

WORK ON NOT COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO MUSIC – I think it’s fair to say that this is probably something I’ll be working on for the rest of my life; it’s not something that will ever be done, complete. I’m not sure if I’d say I’ve made progress with this but I do think I’ve learned a lot about myself and my insecurities. Two big factors that affect those insecurities are my mental health and how much I’m writing. When my mental health is good and I’m doing a solid amount of writing, I feel more comfortable and confident in myself and what other people are doing doesn’t feel scary or upsetting; they feel inspiring and exciting. But when my mental health is bad – and thus, my ability to write disappears – everything feels just too much. So most of the year was great, apart from a few dips, but my mental health hasn’t been great over the last two months – or in other words, completely fucking awful – so that’s what I’ve been focussed on: trying to make that better.

FIND MY NEXT PROJECT – This goal kind of makes me laugh now. To think I wanted to find my next project and now I have more projects than I know what to do with. It’s kind of stressful, trying to manage so many things at once, but it’s also wonderful to have so many things that I’m excited about. They’re all in process right now and I don’t know how they’re going to turn out so I don’t want to say anything yet, but I definitely found my next project.


This year has been a hell of a year for many reasons and while there were many negative surprises, there were also positive ones; those just aren’t always visible in the review of goals set at the beginning of the year. I’m really proud of a lot of things from the last twelve months and, given everything that’s happened, I’m actually kind of impressed that I was able to complete any of these goals at all. So I’m trying to focus on that.