Finding HopeSeptember 2023 in Photos
Posted on October 1, 2023
It’s been ages since I did a photo challenge and I’ve always really enjoyed them so I thought it was about time I revisited the practice. So here we are. This is my September, guided by the Planner & Paper photo challenge on Instagram, Life in Pockets…
Day 1 – Wardrobe Change
Given that the weather hasn’t changed yet, my wardrobe hasn’t really changed. It was a really warm day but I don’t like being uncovered: it makes me feel really exposed and vulnerable. I did wear my brown ankle boots, which I don’t usually wear; they’ve been all but living in my wardrobe up until now but I like them too much to let them just gather dust.
Day 3 – Your Choice!
My Mum bought a new toy for the cats and they were big fans, of the catnip at the very least. It wasn’t long before they were all rolling around on the rug, blissed out on catnip. It was very cute. We don’t usually get all of them inside together at this time of year; they’re usually stretched out in the garden, either in the sun or the shade depending on their preference moment to moment. It’s very cute but it was delightful to have them all back in for while, even if only for a little while.
Day 4 – Listening To
I’m obsessed with The Good Witch by Maisie Peters and have been listening to it on repeat since it came out. I absolutely love pretty much all of them – picking a favourite is actually impossible – but I’ve been having a great time singing along to this song, ‘BSC,’ recently. Maybe because there’s a certain person I’ve been talking about in therapy that I’m reminded of when I sing some of the lyrics to this song. I love the chorus: it’s such a true, relatable, hilarious-but-still-kind-of-heartbreaking statement so succinctly put. Her songwriting is SO clever and I always lose my mind over the genius lyrics like, ‘Mister “I don’t want a label” / You made me ‘Little Miss Unstable.” I also absolutely love the bridge: ‘I am unhinged / I am scaling all these walls I’ve gone within / I am both Kathy Bates and Stephen King / I can write you out the way I wrote you in.’ That last line is so empowering and I think that being a writer myself makes me love it even more. ‘I am unhinged’ is just hilarious and so relatable and ‘I am both Kathy Bates and Stephen King’ is so freaking clever. I could honestly talk about these songs for HOURS.
Day 5 – Cozy
I didn’t take a picture for this one but I wanted to include it here because I find it so hilarious. Here in the UK, we’re experiencing a heatwave and oh my god, the idea of cozy is just so far from my mind; all I want is to cool down. I’m melting in this heat. And suffocating in the humidity.
Day 7 – Reading
I started out listening to this book on my phone, passing the time on a long drive, but ended up continuing it in physical form; I prefer physical books to audiobooks for reading but I can’t deny the convenience of audiobooks when in the car or when swimming, for example. I really enjoyed This Is Going to Hurt so I was keen to read Undoctored. So far I’m really enjoying it; I really like the way Adam Kay writes and he’s utterly hilarious.
Day 8 – On The TV
My Mum and I are currently watching the second series of Annika. My whole family LOVES Nicola Walker and I would honestly watch the worst show ever just for her. This certainly isn’t the worst show. It’s pretty lighthearted most of the time with some heavy moments and Nicola Walker’s character, Annika, is hilarious and awkward in a really endearing way. She’s a mess but all of her relationships with her family and friends and colleagues are really lovely and I honestly never want this show to end; it’s really nice to see her play a character who isn’t deeply and consistently traumatised, as most of her characters seem to be. It also seems like a really fun show to be on, which just adds to the enjoyment of it.
Day 10 – Sunday’s Are For…
In theory, I like Sunday to be for collecting myself for the coming week, recuperating, and doing my favourite things. Having said that, I’m usually frantically busy trying to catch up with things from the previous week before they spill into the next week. This Sunday, however, I was able to just dedicate my time to practicing for the show I’m playing on Wednesday and spend time with Izzy, our brand new puppy: playing when she was awake and snuggling as she slept. It was a very pleasant day.
Day 12 – Below
I had no idea what to do for this prompt until we got Izzy. I keep picking her up like this because she’s just so adorable and so chilled out, when she’s sleepy at least. And she looks so ridiculously cute. As she always does. All the time. It’s very distracting.
Day 13 – From Behind
I mean, with ears this spectacular, how could I take a photo of anything else for this prompt?
Day 15 – Boots
My favourite pair of boots, and the ones I wear practically everyday, are Sorel Joan of Arc lace up boots. They’re the same boots that Daisy Johnson in Agents of Shield wears a lot, especially during Season 2. I always thought they looked super cool and the fact that she was wearing them was an added bonus. They’re really comfortable, they look cool, and I feel like a superhero when I wear them. Is it any wonder I wear them all the time?
Day 17 – Time Alone
Right now, all of my ‘alone time’ is actually ‘Izzy time.’ I’m either playing with her and keeping her occupied so that she doesn’t get into anything she shouldn’t or I’m sitting with her while she naps. Sometimes I try and get stuff done while she sleeps but sometimes all I can do is sit and adore her; the fact that she’s actually real, that this absolutely gorgeous little creature is mine to love is still kind of overwhelming and I just find the time disappearing as I stroke her and cuddle her.
Day 18 – Something Brown
I could’ve easily stuck another puppy picture here but I thought I’d try and come up with something a little more interesting, for one day at least. There’s no such thing as too many pictures of this puppy. So here is my beloved guitar, an electro-acoustic Taylor that I got during my first year at university. It has the most gorgeous sound and I honestly have no desire to ever get a new one, even if I could afford to get a ‘better’ one. This one just sounds and feels so beautiful; it feels like an extension of me, and of my songwriting.
Day 19 – Something For You
A couple of months ago, I ordered this necklace from Etsy. I’ve been looking for one like it for years and having finally found it, I didn’t want it to slip away again – I’ve let that happen far too many times. I have such anxiety around money that I struggle with spending it on myself when there isn’t a ‘productive’ purpose (like learning a new skill) but I’ve been working so hard at my physiotherapy and hydrotherapy that I said, ‘fuck it,’ and bought the necklace. I can get my head around a little reward for over a year’s worth of hard work.
Day 20 – Selfie
I did it for the challenge but I really don’t like taking selfies. I can just about manage selfies if they’re with people or as part of a special event or at a specific place but I’m rarely happy with how I look in them. I think a big part of that is that I’m masking really hard in order for the photo to be a good one and so I think I just don’t end up looking like myself. I like candids because they’re in the moment and honest and real. But, as I said, I have obliged for the challenge.
Day 23 – Lazy Afternoon
Lucy was certainly having a lazy afternoon (while I was busy working away). Of all of the cats, she’s the most unfazed by Izzy’s appearance: she’s not thrilled and they’re not playing (yet?) but Lucy will chill out in the same room and will engage with her to a limited extent. Having said that, she’s not shy about giving Izzy a swipe if Izzy gets overexcited and ends up swerving too close to her. The other cats have barely managed five minutes in the same room; I have to hope that they’ll get used to her over time, especially as she learns what to do and what not to do. Anyway, as well as Lucy’s handling the Izzy situation, she’s happiest when Izzy is downstairs and she can just relax without having to worry that Izzy might bound over to her at any second. So this was a thoroughly blissed out moment, unbothered by a tiny canine.
Day 25 – 11am
This is my physio set up, just before I ran through my personal exercise plan. I feel very lucky to be able to work with a physiotherapist and not just a physiotherapist but an excellent physiotherapist who has a really good, working understanding of Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I’ve been working with her for a few months now and have a series of exercises that take about fifteen minutes to do, trying to strengthen and stabilise my body. As of earlier this week, we cut one exercise and added two new ones for my elbow and shoulder because I’ve been experiencing serious pain in them for a really long time now. So I’m still getting to grips with those. Although, having said that, my arm has been sore as a result of my recent COVID jab (my fourth, I think) so I haven’t managed as much as I usually do. If it follows the same pattern as the others, it’ll be fine in a couple of days and I’ll be able to work at normal capacity again.
Day 28 – Book Review
I love Trista Mateer’s poetry and I loved her previous book, Aphrodite Made Me Do It. I loved Artemis Made Me Do It even more. I read it in less than twenty-four hours, folding a ridiculous number of page corners. Her poetry is so visceral, like the earth just spits it out; it’s beautiful and delicate and brutal and fierce and I feel like I could write a song inspired by every poem. I really loved it and I can’t wait to read the next one in the series.
Day 29 – Weather
My birthday was on the 29th and part of that involved doing this really amazing Equine Facilitated Learning session about building confidence and assertiveness so I spent the morning in a field, working with three gorgeous horses. It was a bit chilly but a beautiful day with warming sunshine and big blue skies. It was a good day.
Day 30 – Self Care
One of the things that makes me feel like my best self – physically, mentally, and emotionally – is swimming. And, near where I live, the pool does this awesome thing on weekend evenings where they turn off the main lights and place a few lanterns around, basically lighting the space with the pool lights. They keep the number of people to two per lane so it never feels crowded or cramped and they play music to minimise the potential echoes in the room. All in all, it’s a really amazing way to swim and such a soothing experience, especially for someone like me who often finds swimming pools overwhelming and overstimulating. I’ve always loved swimming so I’ve put up with it, trying to find the quietest times to swim at whatever pool I’m going to but this is just amazing. It’s my favourite place to swim and I never get tired of it. I feel very lucky to have discovered it and to have pretty regular access to it.
I didn’t manage to take photos every day: sometimes I was too busy, sometimes I forgot, and sometimes nothing about the day matched the prompt (like ‘cozy’ in a heatwave or ‘fall leaves’ when we don’t have anything resembling autumn yet). I also didn’t do the bucket list because I find that they trigger my anxiety at the moment. But on the whole, it was really fun to document my days with photos again. I have a fair amount of fun things coming up over the next couple of months so I wouldn’t be surprised if I find myself doing another challenge sooner rather than later.
An Unexpected Trigger
Posted on December 5, 2021
NOTE: Spoilers for Unforgotten Series 4.
Back in March, I watched the final episode of Unforgotten Series 4 and if you haven’t seen it – spoiler alert – Cassie, the main character (played by Nicola Walker), dies from injuries sustained in a car accident. It was incredibly shocking and upsetting. It’s something that’s been in my head on and off all year and I would really like to leave it in this year. I guess that’s why I’m writing about it now.
(x)
As I said, I was very upset when the series ended with Cassie’s death. That’s not exactly surprising since I do get very attached to my favourite characters. Upset isn’t really a big enough word: there was shock, distress, grief, anger… it was overwhelming. And in an attempt to process some of these emotions, I wrote a song about grief called ‘Incomplete,’ a snippet of which I posted on Instagram…
And while that helped a bit (coincidentally, it’s the second TV show featuring Nicola Walker that I’ve written a song about), I could feel it all hanging over me. It felt so shocking and so brutal and I felt oddly fragile in the wake of it. It was later that I learned about ‘the alienation effect’ after a researching rabbit hole that ended in me reading about the film, Psycho (a film I’ve never seen by the way – I’m looking at you, ADHD). In his essay about Psycho, film theorist Robin Wood wrote: “[The murder of the main character, Marion] also constitutes an alienation effect so shattering that (at a first viewing of the film) we scarcely recover from it. Never – not even in Vertigo – has identification been broken off so brutally. At the time, so engrossed are we in Marion, so secure in her potential salvation, that we can scarcely believe it is happening; when it is over, and she is dead, we are left shocked, with nothing to cling to, the apparent center of the film entirely dissolved.” I could be wrong – I’m not a film expert by any measure – but I think that’s what’s happened here; this quote certainly describes how I felt about that final episode. Cassie was the focal character, the audience surrogate almost, and she was the glue that held together a show that regularly changes almost the entire cast (along with Sunny and the rest of the team, of course) and her death was incredibly shocking. I’ve always felt things deeply but I haven’t spoken to one person who wasn’t upset by it.
While there were, of course, other factors impacting on my mental health, it was the trigger of that particular period of depression. But months later, even after my depression lifted a bit, I still couldn’t shake it. I still found it very upsetting and I was still having nightmares involving car crashes; as deeply as I feel things, this seemed to be sitting differently. Eventually, it occurred to me that it was potentially more than straightforward upset over the loss of a favourite character and the loss of a favourite show (maybe – I’m still not sure how I feel) and that the storyline – a sudden, completely unexpected, shocking death – had triggered me as a result of the trauma around my Dad’s death, trauma that is still relatively undealt with. It completely blindsided me. I’m still relatively in the dark on my triggers in this area, given that my coping mechanism for most of the last thirteen years has been to, essentially, bury it: facing it just felt insurmountable. But now that I’m starting to unearth it again, it appears that that earth is packed with landmines. The metaphor wears thin, but hopefully you get my point.
I don’t know how I feel about all of this but putting my thoughts into words has helped. This year has been so busy and so emotionally chaotic that I feel like I haven’t had the time or brain space to even start processing it all. In regards to the show, I don’t know whether I’ll watch the next series. Right now just the thought of it is upsetting. Nicola Walker said in an interview that “Cassie’s death wasn’t for effect; [Chris Lang, writer of Unforgotten] is going somewhere with that conversation about grief,” and while I think these are important conversations to have, I’m not sure if I have the emotional bandwidth for a fictional one when I’m already trying to manage my own very real one. I don’t know. But I really don’t want to go through this again if I can avoid it.
“Cassie’s fate may have caught viewers by surprise, but it was something Walker had discussed with the show’s creator and writer, Chris Lang. ‘We were talking from the beginning, really, about what he was doing with this character and this story he wanted to tell,’ Walker told TV Insider. ‘Chris and I were always interested in looking at the cost of being involved with these sorts of cases that we all love watching on television. Cassie does not have superpowers. She’s an ordinary person who’s really good at her job, and it took her to the place of having an emotional breakdown… We talked a lot after Season 3 about where it was going to go, and it was a joint decision,’ she adds. ‘I think the clues were there in Season 3. The title of the show is Unforgotten and I think there’s a great deal of narrative beauty to this woman. She’s not going to be forgotten. I felt like she was quietly very unusual on television because she was a real person.'” (x)
I keep coming back to this quote. I agree with it, with what she says about Cassie, but I still don’t understand why Cassie had to die, why she had to die in a shocking, brutal way. Maybe I never will. Most of all, I’m sad. I’m sad that a show I loved will forever be entwined with distress and painful memories.
Finding Hope 