Escapril Poetry Challenge 2020

A while back, I discovered the ‘Escapril’ poetry challenge, organised by writer Savannah Brown. For every day in April, there’s a poetry prompt that can be used in whatever way inspires you. You then post the piece you’ve written on social media. I’d been eagerly awaiting it for what felt like ages because I’d been really excited to get into writing poetry again (prompts or briefs often help me when I’m out of practice at something), even if it did land in the same month as the deadline of my most recent university assessment.

Here are this year’s prompts:

I didn’t manage a poem everyday (especially while working on my essay) and very quickly, I realised that I didn’t want to post them online until I’d had more time to develop them, edit them, and just make sure that they were good enough to share. I didn’t want to put a piece of work out into the world that I wasn’t confident in.

I have to admit that I’ve been struggling to be creative since the pandemic started and we went into lockdown, something I know a lot of people are dealing with. I read that long term fear and stress affect your brain, making it difficult to find inspiration and be creative – I don’t know about you but having a scientific reason for why I’m struggling so much definitely helped, even if it hasn’t actually solved the problem. Knowing why at least reassured me that my brain hadn’t just stopped working for no reason, that presumably it will start functioning again at some point. So I just have to be patient with myself, as hard as that may be. I’m a lot less patient with myself than with others, as it turns out.

Anyway, the month and the challenge are now over. As I said, I didn’t manage to write a poem everyday but I did manage to write something for most of the prompts and I really enjoyed writing in this format again, despite struggling with all things creative. Since I didn’t post anything during the challenge, I thought I’d share a few here that I’m pleased with or can see potential in…

2. GROWTH/DECAY

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6. OBSESSION

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12. SUBMERGED IN WATER

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17. GRIEF

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18. HOW DID THE SKY LOOK?

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24. BLACK HOLE

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So I hope you enjoyed these, that they’re not too obscure or clunky. As I said, I’m out of practice at writing poetry. It has a very different feel to writing songs and it’s definitely different to writing essays, the two forms of writing I’ve been doing over the last few months. So, yeah, I hope they’re okay. I hope you like them.

Have you taken up any new hobbies or skills since the lockdown? Or revisited old ones?

19 for 2019 Reviewed

In January, I was inspired to try the 19 for 2019 challenge, setting myself nineteen goals to achieve by the end of the year. They didn’t have to be massive goals; they could be one off things to simply try. I was inspired so I came up with nineteen things and gave it a go. Unfortunately, I wasn’t aware of what a hell of a year I was about to experience.

  1. Stop pulling my hair out – Complicated. I’ve gone long stretches without pulling my hair out but then the stress induced habit has usually been replaced by another one. Right now I’m going through an incredibly stressful time and have recently started pulling again. Maybe next year’s the year.
  2. Read ten books – I read a handful of books early in the year but I didn’t really start to enjoy reading again until I read This Is Going To Hurt by Adam Kay. I devoured that: he has a beautifully personal writing style. Not long after that, I started my Masters Degree and I had an overly ambitious reading list so I read a lot. Plus, I had a phase of reading books from my childhood when I went through my bookshelf. So I definitely read more than ten books.
  3. Get a tattoo – I still haven’t managed to do this. I still like the thought of getting one and have multiple ideas but I really don’t like the way they blur over time. I don’t think I could bear to have a blurred tattoo on my body so I still haven’t gotten one.
  4. Continue swimming (or let it evolve) – There were periods of the year where I did manage this but sometimes the medication I was on meant I physically didn’t have the energy. And then when the kittens were born, I loved watching them in the early mornings, which was when I swam (before the gym got busy and stressful). Add in doing the Masters and what a drain on my energy that was, I haven’t been swimming half as much as I’d life. It’s definitely something I want to get back into in 2020.
  5. Write more songs – Given all the changes of medication (something that always seems to affect my songwriting) during the first six months or so of the year, I wasn’t able to write. I tried. I tried really hard and managed a few with the help of some wonderful cowriters. But now that I’m back on the Phenelzine, I am able to write again, alone and with others and I love it. For me, writing a song is the best feeling world; it’s feeling alive, it’s feeling connected to myself, to my soul, to the universe. It’s feeling real. So I’m writing again, as much as I’m able. And as I’ve started my MA, I’m writing for that too. I’m very aware of how much I’m learning and how much my songwriting is developing.
  6. Get my photo albums up to date – I did. And then they got out of date again. It was something I’d hoped to do over the Christmas break but I’ve literally been working on my assessments every single day. Fortunately my photos are well organised so when I have some time, it won’t be a terrifying task to attempt.
  7. Pursue the cause of my tiredness – I’ve tried. My god, I’ve tried. I’ve seen doctors and been to the Chronic Fatigue Clinic for a general session but that wasn’t at all helpful. I knew everything they told and have known for years and the other people there hadn’t been dealing with it for a fraction of the time I have been. So I didn’t feel very positive about that experience. I’m waiting for a follow up from them but I had no idea when that will be or how much it will help me.
  8. Improve my instrument skills – I barely did anything musical for a significant part of the year due to medication side effects and crushing depression so I’ve probably gone backwards in my instrumental skills. Having said that, I have been working on them since I started the Masters (particularly the piano so I didn’t have to carry a guitar up and down from London). So not a total loss. And hopefully this will continue as I continue with the Masters.
  9. Watch a meteor shower – In January actually, I did manage to catch a meteor shower and it was beautiful. I don’t think I’ll ever get over how magical meteors are; they’re just takes me breath away. And there was one huge one that streaked across the sky, like a knife cutting through the roof of a tent and letting in light. It was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen.
  10. Write more poetry – I did write a little poetry, but that was only during NaPoWriMo. Either my mental health was going down the drain or I was too busy writing songs for poetry. Why is there never enough time? Sometimes I feel like the world is moving really fast around me while I move at an ordinary speed.
  11. Finishing decorating and organising my room – I started to and then I somewhat undecorated it with the creation of the music video for my single, ‘Bad Night.’ While it’s mostly been returned to rights, there’s still some damage (a fist sized crack in the plaster that I haven’t gotten around to repairing). It’s just one of those things that’s always on the list but slips down to more urgent things. Hopefully I’ll get there at some point.
  12. Find an alcoholic drink I like – I’m now back on a medication that means I can’t really drink. The odd drink is fine but yeah, I can’t really drink. Before that though, I tried a lot of different types of alcohol and just really hated all of them. I also discovered that I’m allergic to limes, which are in a ridiculous amount of alcoholic drinks, including one that I actually did like. The one drink that I do enjoy is a passionfruit mojito even though it does contain lime extracts. So far, drinking them – and I’m not drinking them very often – doesn’t cause a reaction.
  13. Find a tea or coffee I like – Nope, they all still taste awful to me. I find it frustrating because drinking coffee is such a ‘normal’ thing and I feel like, having been denied so much by my Autism, it’s unfair that I don’t even get to be normal in this tiny way.
  14. Get invisible braces – Success! I was fitted for invisible braces and have received the first half of the set. I did really well at wearing them for a while but during the second half of the year, I haven’t done so well. It just felt like too much when I was struggling with serious anxiety. I’m hopeful that, with what seems like a less stressful semester starting January, I’ll be better at wearing them.
  15. Go rock climbing – Nope. I would’ve loved to but again, all the medication and energy stuff made that impossible. Another dream for another year.
  16. Participate in FAWM – I tried really, really hard to take part in February Album Writing Month but as it was (obviously) at the beginning of the year when I was trying different medications and therefore really struggling with my writing, I didn’t get far. I made several solid attempts and wrote several parts of songs but I didn’t manage to write even one full song.
  17. Participate in NaPoWriMo – Again, I tried and did write some poetry but nothing I was terribly enthused by. And I wasn’t particularly consistent and didn’t do it everyday but I tried. I tried.
  18. Donate blood again – I would’ve loved to have donated blood again but a lot of the medications made me ineligible to donate, which sucks because it’s something that’s really important me. So this is off the cards for the moment but as soon as it’s possible again, I’ll be back.
  19. Join the bone marrow register – Another one I’ve failed at. There’s just been too much health stuff and I’ve just been too unwell to think about it. Plus there were long stretches where I simply forgot. I want to do it so it will stay on the list until I manage it.

So it’s a pretty mixed bag and considering the year I had, I’m surprised I managed any of them at all. I’ve struggled throughout the year, especially recently, with how little I’m achieving and the frustration and anger and guilt that comes with that, that comes with living with mental health problems and a developmental disability. I’m trying to focus on the fact that, where I could, I tried. I tried to do as many of these things as possible.

Overall, an interesting challenge but I think I’ll try something different for 2020. I haven’t found the right kind of goal system yet so I’m just gonna have to keep looking and keep trying.

World Poetry Day 2019

Hurray, it’s World Poetry Day!

I love poetry. I wish I had more time to read poetry and more poetry books to read and more spoken word events to go to but there’s only so much time in a day. I resent my physical limitations and the physical limitations of the world that prevent me from reading more. But today is supposed to be good and positive and exciting. So here are some spoken word poems that I love:

Cecilia Knapp is a wonderful human being and her writing constantly inspires me. The imagery and the emotions are so rich and magical. I don’t think there’s a poem of hers that I don’t like.

I love the chaotic nature of this poem, how the rhymes spring out of nowhere. It’s so intense and emotive.

(Trigger warning for self harm and sexual assault.)

I know there are a lot of mixed opinions about Thirteen Reasons Why but I don’t want to talk about that here (I’ve written about it in this post). I want to talk about Hannah’s poem. I love the imagery and the loneliness is so intense.

This one breaks my heart, the thought that these lines could fit in both love letters and suicide notes. It’s so achingly sad.

I love the references to Van Gogh in this one. I love the pulling together of parallel stories, especially with historical figures. It reminds me that we’re all deeply connected through our lives and our stories and our pain.

Do you have any favourite spoken word pieces?

I’m off to Nashville in a few hours so I’ll see you all when I get back. If you want to follow my adventures, you can find me on Instagram.