Posted on February 28, 2026
My proudest achievement of 2025 was releasing new music: two singles and an EP! Having not released a project since my Honest EP in 2020 (although I later released the acoustic version in 2021), I’ve been so desperate to release more music but health stuff got in the way and it took a long time to get back to a place where I was even close to capable of managing the stress of putting out a new project (and stressful it was). Given everything that happened between late June and December, I didn’t have the headspace, the physical ability, the time, or any combination of the three to write about it properly. But I didn’t want to skip it because it is so important to me and to the last year so – finally – here is the post about my recent EP, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1. This is – hopefully – the first in a series about my experiences of being autistic, inspired by how lonely and isolating it was to grow up, never seeing or hearing my life represented in books, film, TV, music, and so on. It’s taken a long time to feel ready to take on a project like this but now that I am, I know without a doubt that this is the art that I’m meant to be making.
“What makes Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 powerful is its dual role as personal diary and shared lifeline. Hooper writes for her younger self, for others navigating similar realities, and for those who may be hearing these experiences articulated for the first time. The result is a project that doesn’t just speak – it listens back, offering connection in a world that often overlooks the voices that need to be heard most.” (x)
To reintroduce myself and to lay the foundation of the EP, I released two singles at the beginning of the year called ‘Write This Out‘ and ‘In The Mourning.’ When I was planning the EP and choosing which songs to include on it, which songs felt like the most important to include on a first EP – my first EP – about being autistic, I felt like neither of them were quite the right fit. But they still felt like important parts of the story that I wanted out in the world so they became the two singles released ahead of the EP and its official first single. And even though they’re separate releases, they’re deeply connected on a thematic level and so, to represent that connection, I used photos from the EP photoshoot for the cover artwork of each single.
“Every line in ‘Write This Out’ carries the grounded honesty of someone who has learned to create calm in the middle of chaos. It’s heartfelt without ever feeling heavy, and the sincerity behind her words lands with real clarity.” (x)
(Photography by Thomas Oscar Miles and editing by Richard Sanderson)
“Another personal moment that stood out to me was how the song leaves you with a sense of companionship, as if she’s reminding listeners that they’re not alone in the messier parts of their thoughts… It feels like the beginning of an important new chapter for her.” (x)
I’m so proud of them both, for so many different reasons, and each of them felt so key to setting the scene for the EP. ‘Write This Out’ is driven by the need to get overwhelming emotions out of my body but keep them documented and protected while ‘In The Mourning’ reflects my stream of consciousness after being diagnosed as autistic. I felt like both this feeling and this emotional process were important pieces of the picture that I hoped this EP would paint and releasing them first could only make for a deeper understanding of it. Obviously I can’t ensure that people listen to them ahead of the EP, now that it’s out in the world, but something has to determine in what order the music gets released and when the chronology of this music means a lot to me, why not?
“The songwriting is exquisitely vulnerable, with metaphors and lyrics that cut deep without ever losing hope.” (x)
(Photography by Thomas Oscar Miles and editing by Richard Sanderson)
“And then there’s ‘The Loneliest Whale,’ a track that feels like both a personal lament and a communal sigh – isolation turned into shared understanding.” (x)
The first official single of the EP was ‘The Loneliest Whale.’ As I talked about in the blog post I shared when I put this song out, I wrote it about The Loneliest Whale, a whale that sings at a higher frequency than other whales, making it impossible for them to communicate with each other; I’ve been fascinated by it for as long as I can remember and I’ve always wanted to write a song about it. I deeply related to this idea of feeling isolated from everyone around me, both before and after my diagnosis, and so I used the whale as a metaphor for the loneliness I have experienced as an autistic person. But it’s also about connection.
Before I sat down to write the song, I did some research to make sure all of my facts were up to date and discovered the extensive amount of art that has been made by people who have been moved by the story of The Loneliest Whale. So, so many individuals and communities relate to this story, to the emotions this whale represents, and I was so inspired by that. I’d originally expected the song to be a sad one but, after seeing how many people felt connected to this whale and having the epiphany of how connected we are to each other through these shared feelings, the song transformed into something more positive and uplifting. And because connection is the whole point of this EP, of all of the music I make, it was the obvious choice for the first single.
“With this album, both tender and powerful, Lauren Alex Hooper reminds us that music can be a space of refuge, truth, and connection. A rare and necessary project.” (x)
(Photography by Thomas Oscar Miles and editing by Richard Sanderson)
“In a world where pop often leans into glossy generalities, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 by Lauren Alex Hooper feels like a rare act of rebellion – not loud or brash, but intimate, precise, and unwaveringly honest. The five-track EP is a deeply personal exploration of Hooper’s experience as an autistic woman, told in vivid lyricism and delicately layered alt-pop production. It’s not just a collection of songs; it’s a lived reality, shaped into art.” (x)
While ‘The Loneliest Whale’ was the lead single, the EP opens with ‘Armour,’ a tumultuous track about the difficulty of masking as an autistic person in a neurotypical society. When I sat down to write this song, I was all set to write about how far I’d come with learning to unmask, only to realise that I hadn’t made as much progress as I’d thought. I’ve done a lot of work on it but I think that’s only made me realise how much more there is to do and that was more than a little bit overwhelming. After that particular revelation, my writing shifted and a theme I kept coming back to was how suffocated I feel by masking and the conflict between wanting to be my true self and the fear of rejecting the protection that masking can and has provided. It was clear to me very early on that this was the opening track because it’s a statement about trying to be more honest and authentic, a process which begins in earnest with this song, and it’s precisely the reason that this EP exists.
“Opening with ‘Armour,’ the artist lays bare the quiet violence of masking and the daily effort to hide neurodivergent traits for social acceptance. It’s a haunting introduction, with delicate instrumentation that mirrors the tension between self-protection and self-erasure.” (x)
Next up is ‘Eye To Eye,’ which builds on the intensity of the first track by digging into the tension and vulnerability of making eye contact, a well documented struggle for many autistic individuals for a whole spectrum of reasons. I’ve always found it difficult and while there were a handful of different things I could’ve focussed on, I most wanted to explore how deeply vulnerable it feels to be eye to eye with someone, to feel like they can see everything you’re feeling and everything you’ve been through. It was hard to write, especially the bridge, and it would’ve been so easy to be less vulnerable but, when that is the whole point of the song, it was really important to me to stay the course and not take the easier road.
“‘Eye to Eye’ and ‘The Loneliest Whale’ are masterclasses in metaphor, turning everyday autistic struggles into poignant pop poetry.” (x)
‘The Loneliest Whale’ sits in the middle of the EP’s tracklist at track three. I’ve already talked about it a bit above and I wrote more about the inspiration behind this song and the creative process – in this post – when it came out. It felt like such a special song right from the beginning and I’m so happy that I was able to release it despite it being pretty unconventional, subject matter-wise, for a pop song.
“‘The Loneliest Whale’ is the metaphor-rich centerpiece, capturing the feeling of calling out into the world and not knowing if anyone is listening.” (x)
The fourth song on the EP is ‘Overexposed,’ which is about my experience of sensory overload, about how overwhelming the world can be, and how hard it can be to exist in the world when it feels so bright and loud and emotional and intense. This is the oldest song on the EP: I wrote the original draft not long after I was diagnosed, on one of my first trips to Nashville with one of my best friends there, Caylan Hays, who is a beautiful songwriter and artist. It’s evolved quite a bit since then: I have a clearer understanding of sensory overload and I’m better at articulating my experience of it and both of those things have, of course, changed the song. But the central imagery of an overexposed photograph always stuck with me so I was keen to revisit it when writing for the EP.
“In ‘Overexposed,’ sensory overload is rendered sonically through layered textures and dynamic shifts, allowing the listener to feel the push-pull of intensity and withdrawal. Hooper’s voice remains the constant – warm, clear, and unwavering, even in the most vulnerable admissions.” (x)
The final track of the EP is ‘Last One Standing.’ I wrote this from the point of view of the Agents of Shield character, Daisy Johnson, who has been one of my special interests from the moment I started watching the show (I’ve written more about her and some of the reasons I love her so much here and here) and, songwriting being my biggest and oldest special interest, I’d been thinking about how to bring the two together for a long time. I must’ve spent hours watching edits and fanvideos on YouTube, noting the scenes from the show that featured repeatedly and analysing the songs chosen, from the emotional undercurrent of the track to the lyrical themes to the production choices. It gave me such an insight into what other fans of the character loved about her, what resonated with them, the themes and sounds they associated with her. When I eventually brought the idea to Richard, I knew exactly what I wanted the song to sound like: an anthem of tenacity and perseverance and strength… all of the things that Daisy Johnson has always represented to me. And as I wrote the lyrics, I tried to channel the hours I’ve spent absorbing the show and so I shaped the language around her speech patterns, deliberately favouring some words and avoiding others. One review called it “unapologetically nerdy” and that may be the biggest compliment I could receive for this song, especially given the creative process behind it. I’m pretty sure it’s the biggest deep dive into not just one but two special interests that I’ve ever done; it’s my truest expression of autistic joy. But regardless of how deeply for me this song – and the creative process behind it – is, it ended up being a song that I really wanted to release because I think there are multiple meaningful messages in it. It’s a celebration of determination and resilience – and of autistic joy, particularly when that joy is a form of resistance and defiance – but it also represents, to me at least, the ongoing struggle that is being autistic in the often resistant, inflexible society that we live in, just to be seen and treated and accepted in the same way that our allistic peers are; you need self-belief and strength of will to keep taking steps forwards, to keep standing up for yourself and fighting for what you need and what you deserve. I needed a song to empower me, to remind me of this when I forget it, to lend me that energy on the days that I can’t find it within myself. It means a lot to me to have that and I hope it can do the same for those who listen to it.
“‘Last One Standing’ closes the set with hope and fierce individuality. It’s a love letter to the passions and inner worlds that sustain so many autistic people – and a powerful reclamation of identity.” (x)
(During the writing of the project)
“Lauren Alex Hooper’s Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 is a raw and open-hearted collection that speaks with quiet strength. Across five tracks, she explores identity, mental health, and neurodivergence without holding back or dressing things up. Her songwriting is honest in a way that feels lived-in, not performative. Each lyric feels like a page from a journal you were never meant to read but are lucky to experience.” (x)
The project started out very solitary as I figured out what I wanted to say and started writing the songs but as it grew, I got to work with more and more awesome people; I love the intimacy and laser focus of a small project but getting to bring in people who believed in the songs and the project… it felt like we were just feeding it more and more oxygen, which was really exciting. I love writing by myself – as evidenced by ‘Write This Out’ and ‘In The Mourning’ – but I also love collaborating: I wrote ‘The Loneliest Whale’ with one of my MA classmates, a super cool artist called lukeistired, and ‘Overexposed’ with my friend, Caylan, as I’ve already mentioned. I also took drafts of multiple songs to my longtime collaborator and writing partner, Richard Marc. Richard and I have been making music together for ten years now: we worked on my first single together, my first EP, and enough unreleased music to fill multiple hard drives. He’s a fantastic producer, songwriter, and guitarist (multi-instrumentalist, really) and we’ve always been good collaborators – and good at having fun while doing it. I’ve always been involved in the production of my songs but, with this project, I really dug into it with Richard, making both micro and macro choices and guiding the songs to sound like the colours I heard when I sang them. I’ve always found production quite overwhelming – and overstimulating – so to take new steps into that space and that process was really empowering and inspiring.
“Light touches of electronic instrumentation sit beside organic guitar parts and minimal beats. Nothing feels too polished, and that’s part of the charm. You’re not listening to a performance; you’re sitting next to someone telling their truth. […] It didn’t scream for attention, and that’s exactly why I kept thinking about it. There’s power in letting things exist without apology.” (x)
(Writing and recording with Richard Marc)
“In a world saturated with processed emotion, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 by Lauren Alex Hooper is a breath of fresh air – a quiet rebellion told in lush dream-pop textures and honest lyricism. The five-track EP is a deeply personal dive into Hooper’s lived experience as an autistic woman. From the whispering melancholy of ‘Armour’ to the anthemic tenderness of ‘Last One Standing,’ the project feels less like a performance and more like an intimate conversation. Acoustic warmth and subtle folk influences run like threads through each track, anchored by Hooper’s soft, expressive voice. It’s a voice that invites, reassures.” (x)
During the recording process, I was able to bring in several friends to build the sonic world of the songs. Richard and I invited our friend, Lasse Corus – who is an incredible drummer – to record live drums on several of the tracks, going back to Bluebarn Studios where we’ve recorded multiple times before. That was a really lovely way to bring some of the history behind this EP into the creation of it. I also invited my wonderful friend, Luce, to sing backing vocals on some of the songs: she’s a brilliant songwriter and a gorgeous singer, known as LUCE, and it was so special to have her voice on this project. She’s witnessed this project take shape from a core idea to everything it is now along with all of the growth that came with it, not dissimilarly to how I’ve watched her upcoming project blossom from the original idea into something so much bigger and bolder. Creating such personal projects in parallel was so inspiring to me – I truly can’t wait for her to put her project out into the world – and so it meant a lot to me to have her singing on the project.
“It’s vulnerable but never self-pitying, wounded but unafraid to bite back.” (x)
(Lasse recording the drums for one of the tracks // Richard, Luce, and I listening back to Luce’s backing vocals)
The tracks were mixed and mastered by Josh Fielden of Sprogglet Studios, who has worked on all of the music that Richard and I have made together and he always does such a fantastic job. I love the richness he’s able to bring out of my voice and the arrangements. He’s also the patron saint of patience when it comes to my perfectionistic tendencies.
“The EP’s production balances indie-pop accessibility with singer-songwriter intimacy. Electronic elements weave around acoustic foundations, creating a space where personal storytelling meets contemporary sonic design. This balance allows the themes to resonate without feeling didactic; the songs invite empathy rather than demand it.” (x)
(The day of the EP photoshoot)
“Lauren Alex Hooper’s Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 is a revelation. With five strikingly personal tracks, Hooper dismantles the myth of the “universal” pop experience by offering something rarely heard: an unfiltered, autistic lens. The EP is both emotionally raw and musically refined – a delicate balance that showcases her songwriting depth and willingness to confront difficult truths.” (x)
I also had the utter joy of working with Thomas Oscar Miles on the cover art. I’d discovered his photography on Instagram and we talked about collaborating on a project for years – beginning in 2021, I think. Then, in 2024, we finally got to work together on the photoshoot for the EP’s artwork. We spent hours on Zoom, discussing the themes and sending moodboards back and forth, and we got on really well so, in many ways, I was really looking forward to the photoshoot. But I was also incredibly nervous: I was in a really bad place with my issues around body image and I was so anxious that, regardless of how much I was looking forward to working with Thomas, I would end up hating the photos because of those issues. I so wanted to love them and be proud of how they represented the project but I was stuck in an endless loop of anxiety about it, convinced that I would never even be able to like them because they were photos of me.
Fortunately, we got on just as well in real life as we had online. It was absolutely freezing that day – Thomas’ train had actually been delayed because of snow – and I couldn’t feel my face, hands, or feet by the time we decided that we had everything we needed, after almost two and a half hours of taking photos. But I didn’t want it to end! It was such a fun shoot and we laughed so much and it felt so inspiring and creative and collaborative. We did a quick flick through the photos at the end, I was so excited by what I saw. I loved them! Thomas edited them beautifully and then Richard finished them up to be cover art ready. I’ve truly loved the artwork of every project I’ve released but these ones feel beyond special; they’re going to be incredibly difficult to outdo on the next project…
“A powerful five-track EP that marks her most personal and resonant work to date. With this project, Hooper doesn’t just share songs; she shares herself. Drawing from her lived experience as an autistic woman, the EP dives deep into the emotional terrain of neurodivergence with honesty, clarity, and a quiet but undeniable strength. In a pop landscape that too often glosses over complexity, Hooper offers something different: a raw, nuanced, and deeply human portrait of life lived in contrast to the neurotypical norm.” (x)

(Photography by Thomas Oscar Miles)
“In a world that constantly asks autistic people to shrink themselves – to be quieter, more adaptable, more like everyone else – Lauren Alex Hooper is doing the opposite. On her new EP, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1, she’s louder in the best way: more honest, more direct, more herself. The result is one of the most emotionally gripping alt-pop releases of the year. A seasoned songwriter with a delicate but defiant voice, Hooper has always used music as a way to process and communicate her inner world. But this time, she’s not holding back. Each of the five tracks on the EP offers a deeply personal window into the complexities of living as a neurodivergent woman.” (x)
I knew going in that the promotion of the EP was going to be the hardest part for me, both before and during the rollout: I am so grateful to Tahnee, to Abi, and to Amelia and her team at Decent PR for all of their advice and their help and, perhaps most of all, their belief in me and my music. I so appreciate all of the time and effort that they put in to helping me get this EP in front of people who really heard the songs, who connected to them, and who really understood what I was trying to say, what I was hoping people would hear. And as a result of that, I’m so grateful to those people who listened to it and felt so moved by it that they wrote about it and encouraged other people to listen to it, because they felt it mattered that much. There have been so many wonderful reviews that I’m honestly still reeling because I never imagined hearing something I’d made described this way:
And, of course, I cannot say thank you enough to those of you who have listened to the EP, those of you have who have streamed it, bought it, blasted it in the car or cried to it under your duvet… To everyone who has listened to it, watched the videos, and followed my social media over this last year, I am so deeply grateful for you. I can’t believe how many people these songs have reached in just over twelve months: I’m a super small artist – I don’t have thousands of listeners on Spotify or thousands of social media followers – so the fact that these songs have been streamed over 100,000 times is amazing to me. I can only hope that they’ll go on to reach more people over time and that this is just the beginning of something even bigger and more beautiful.
“[Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1] feels like a rallying cry wrapped in melody – not loud or angry, but insistent, intimate, and brave. For those who’ve long felt like their stories were too much, or not enough, Hooper offers a reminder that they’re exactly right, just as they are.” (x)
And so, many months later, we have the round up of my most recent EP, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1. It was a cathartic, empowering, and challenging process but I’m so proud of it and I’m so grateful for the love it has received ever since I put out the first single in January 2025. Putting out music, especially as an independent artist, is an expensive, complicated, and risky endeavour and so to have it received so warmly made it all worth it. Calling it a rollercoaster would be an understatement, especially considering the most recent logistical nightmare – all of the music I’ve ever released disappearing from every music platform (years off my life, I swear!) – but I never expected making music as an autistic (and disabled) person to be easy; I always knew that it would take everything I had and then some. But these songs, and the experiences that inspired them, are so important to me and, somewhat unbelievably, I’m starting to see how important they are to other people too. All I’ve ever wanted to do is to make honest and vulnerable music and to help other autistic people feel less alone in the world and if this project has done that for even one person, then all of the difficulties will have been worth it. And going forward, hopefully my music can help two people, and then three, and then four… If that’s how my music career is ultimately measured then I could not be more proud.
“What sets this EP apart is this creative’s refusal to simplify or sanitize her truth. She doesn’t shape her experience into something more palatable. She lets it stand as it is: complicated, beautiful, and often misunderstood. Her lyricism is sharp and evocative, her voice rich with sincerity, and the production choices consistently elevate the emotional core of each track. Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 is a cultural milestone. Lauren Alex Hooper is forging a new path for autistic representation in music, and she’s doing it with honesty, grace, and undeniable talent.” (x)
“This EP doesn’t just tell a story – it reshapes how stories like these are told. Hooper has found her voice, not in spite of her autism, but through it. And with Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1, she’s made a compelling case that the future of pop is broader, braver, and more inclusive than we imagined.” (x)
Thank you so much for reading and you can listen to the EP here.
Category: activism, anxiety, autism, body image, chronic pain, diagnosis, emotions, life lessons, mental health, music, ocd, special interests, writing Tagged: 52 hertz whale, agents of shield, album artwork, alt pop, alt pop artist, altpop, altpop artist, armour, asd, autism, autism spectrum disorder, autistic artist, autistic joy, autistic photographer, autistic singer, autistic singersongwriter, autistic songwriter, backing vocals, caylan hays, collaboration, cover art, cowriting, creative process, daisy johnson, ep artwork, ep reviews, eye contact, eye to eye, in the mourning, independent artist, indie artist, indie pop, indie pop artist, josh fielden, last one standing, lauren alex hooper, live drums, luce, lukeistired, marketing, masking, mastering, mixing, music production, new ep, new music, new music uk, new single, overexposed, photoshoot, production, production process, promotion, recording, recording session, recording sessions, recording studio, richard marc, richard marc music, richard sanderson, sensory issues, sensory overwhelm, sensory processing, sensory sensitivities, sensory sensitivity, songwriting, songwriting inspiration, songwriting process, special interest, special interests, sprogglet studios, the loneliest whale, thomas oscar miles, too much and not enough, too much and not enough vol 1, unmasking, unsigned artist, visuals, vocals, write this out
Posted on December 12, 2020
Since my last week-in-my-life post didn’t include any time ‘at’ university, I thought I’d write another one this semester, one that included uni time and all that that entails.
After three really bad mental health days, I was a bit wary about the week ahead – starting it feeling so depleted. It ended up being a very mixed week, as they’ve all been recently. Maybe it’s an end of term thing: I start off strong but then I hit a wall somewhere in the middle and it doesn’t always take much. I’ve worked hard this semester so hopefully I’ll be able to finish all of my assessment stuff fairly quickly – it’s mostly just polishing now – and get some proper holiday time. Last year, I had to work every day of the Christmas break, only taking Christmas Day off. So some time off would be really nice.
The week in this post began on Monday 30th November and ended on Sunday 6th December 2020.
MONDAY
I slept badly so I took my time getting up and having a shower. I had some breakfast (and ALL of my pills – there’s so many at the moment, what with my normal medication, extra supplements, and some antibiotics) and then I got myself sorted for my session with Richard.
We spent about three hours on the call, working on the production for a new song I’d written, and then just chilling out together, chatting about our uni work, the various projects we’re working on, the tv shows we’re watching, and so on… We’re always texting and we have our Zoom sessions but we haven’t hung out together in months and I really miss that.

When we finally hung up, I was exhausted and what started as an episode of The Split while I recovered turned into finishing the second series. It was really, really good – even better than the first series. Nicola Walker and Stephen Mangan were particularly fantastic. I love Nicola Walker; she was incredible in Spooks, Scott & Bailey, River, and now in Unforgotten and The Split. Her performances throughout this second series have been breathtaking and the ending had me in floods of tears. She blows me away every time.
I spent what was left of the afternoon and early evening working on my assessment essay. Then Mum and I had dinner together before starting a rewatch of Unforgotten (yes, we’re on a bit of a Nicola Walker kick at the moment), while I did some diary writing. I’m so far behind, what with everything I’ve been dealing with healthwise and doing for uni. My anxiety over it is so high but so is my anxiety over my uni work so the two are constantly pushing against one another. I never have any respite from it and it’s exhausting.
I managed to go to bed reasonably early, which was an achievement, especially since I had to get up early the next morning for uni.
TUESDAY
Again, I slept restlessly but with disturbing dreams that I couldn’t quite remember when I woke up; it just left me feeling kind of uneasy for most of the day, which wasn’t fun. I swear, I’ve had as many nightmares or disturbing dreams since the pandemic began than in my whole life up to that point. It’s horrible; I really feel for anyone who deals with this generally, independent of the pandemic.
I got up, got showered and dressed, had breakfast and pills before logging into my first class of the day. I could only stay an hour of the two (pre-arranged with my tutor) but we spent that hour identifying and discussing different kinds of hooks and how they’re used in songs. Then I had to sign off for a call about my rheumatology referral. It seriously cannot come quickly enough; the pain in my arm, hand, back and legs is only getting worse as time passes.
Before I got down to work, I checked my Spotify stats and saw that the Honest EP has surpassed 30,000 streams. It’s a weird feeling, knowing that so many people have heard these songs. A good feeling, but a weird feeling. I can’t really describe it.
I spent several hours working on my essay, all but finishing the first draft. So that was a good bit of work done – more than I can usually manage between classes. I had some lunch, some time to dedicate to my diary writing, and then I was signing back into class.
The afternoon’s workshop was a productive one. We got through a lot of songs and we had some really good discussions, despite only having an hour. Everyone was really lovely about my song, which meant a lot since it was such a personal one. I also had questions about the grading criteria and learning outcomes because I find the language very unclear and that lead to a good conversation about the assessment as well as inclusivity and accessibility of the course. So it felt like a really positive class, in all sorts of ways.
When my class finished, my Mum and I FaceTimed with my Granny for her birthday and I also got to see my aunt (they’re in a bubble together), which was really lovely. I don’t think I’ve seen either of them in person since Christmas, which has been hard, even knowing that it’s the right, responsible thing to do. It a weird world – a difficult world – when the best way to love someone is to stay away from them.
I also FaceTimed with one of my parents who’d had a particularly rough day. So it was a very social day! It was good to do but I definitely felt drained afterwards.
I was having some downtime, doing some blog writing and watching TV, when another of my other parents called me and told me to change channel to a very cute programme about puppies. It was indeed very cute and it did make me wish for a puppy again, not that we intend to get one in the foreseeable future – we don’t have enough time to properly devote to one so it wouldn’t be fair. But I’m always up for any puppy time I can get.
But the best bit was how one of my cats, Mouse, reacted to it. She was fascinated by the puppies, even patting the screen, trying to touch them. It was utterly adorable. She sat patiently through the advert break and was just as absorbed by the puppies when they returned to the screen. She watched intently for the rest of the programme and then, when the credits rolled, she got up and walked away. It was the funniest thing.
So that was very adorable.
Mum and I had dinner with another few episodes of Unforgotten and I finished my essay. Well, the first draft anyway. It needed a read through and a tidy up before I sent it off but what I’d wanted done for my tutorial session was essentially done. A productive day’s work and in bed before eleven: not bad at all.
WEDNESDAY
So Lockdown 2.0 has ended, not that it felt like much of a lockdown. If you’re going to call it a lockdown, then you have to do what you did in the first lockdown and shut everything down. Otherwise it’s not going to make a difference, people are going to have even less faith in it as a safety measure, and they’ll flaunt the rules because they don’t think it matters. It’s been driving me up the wall. I’m so frustrated: with the government, with the people ignoring the rules (and boasting about it), anyone who is putting casual convenience over the safety of others… Yes, that’s a generalised statement. I’m aware that there are important and necessary reasons to go out but there just seem to be so many people who just don’t care that we’re still in a pandemic and I find that incredibly distressing.
I woke up at eight and intended to get up but then suddenly it was quarter past nine so I must’ve accidentally gone back to sleep. I did manage to get up then and headed straight for my desk to record the vocals for the song I’d been working on with Richard. Even though I love it, for some reason, I find it really hard to motivate myself to start recording so it seems that the easiest way is to just get up and do it before I can get into a procrastinating mindset.
That done, I had breakfast and a shower, leaving me with just enough time to tidy up my essay and send it to my tutor before heading out to have a blood test. I had one a month or so ago and it showed dangerously low Vitamin D levels so I’ve been on a high dose Vitamin D supplement to try and build them up again. This blood test should tell us whether they’ve helped and what the next steps are.
It was almost dark by the time we got home so we settled down in the living room, lit a fire (one of my favourite things about this time of year and about this house – the fireplace) and continued watching Unforgotten. I also kept working on my Lockdown 2.0 blog post. I’d been keeping the list updated throughout the lockdown so it was just a case of tidying it up, adding all the right links, and writing an introduction and conclusion.
I had to stop in the middle to sign in to my tutorial. I had a really good session with my tutor. He was complimentary about what I’d already done and had some really good feedback so I feel pretty good about my next steps. I know what I need to do and now I just need to do it. Then I get one more tutorial before the holidays for any final feedback or guidance. The deadline is in sight, which is more than a bit scary. I just really, really want to do well.
I was exhausted afterwards but I still managed to finish and post the Lockdown 2.0 blog. So I guess it was a pretty productive day.
That done, I had a quick scroll through social media and saw that people had started to post their Spotify stats of the year, both as listeners and as artists. I always find this difficult, regardless of any rational talking to I give myself, regardless of whatever I’ve personally gone through or achieved that year; it just taps into my lifelong insecurity of not doing well enough, not being ‘good enough.’ So it’s not easy. This year should’ve been different, with four of the five tracks from my EP being released since January, but Spotify doesn’t count anything after 31st October and with ‘Honest‘ coming out on 30th October, only one day of its streams were counted. So my most successful song wasn’t a part of my Spotify Wrapped, making it completely inaccurate. So I haven’t shared it – haven’t wanted to – and I feel a little bit robbed of that. I have included the percentage increases here but in reality, they’re a good bit higher since ‘Honest’ did so well.
Hopefully next year, or whenever it is that I release more music, the figures will be more accurate and I’ll feel confident in sharing them. This ‘comparison anxiety,’ as my friend called it, was something I really wanted to work on in therapy this year but even when I’ve felt able to ‘go’ to therapy, it’s been difficult to get much further than damage control around the pandemic. That’s been really difficult – a real frustration – this year. I’ve just felt completely stuck at therapy: while I want to move forward, I’ve only felt able to maintain the fragile balancing act I’ve managed to create. And I haven’t even been able to do that a lot of the time.
Early evening, my Mum and I FaceTimed with my Granny before having fish and chips with one of my other parents. We watched the new episode of His Dark Materials (Series 2 Episode 4) and it was so good. Oh my god, that cliffhanger!
I was just getting ready for bed when I felt the pain in my back. It had been aching all afternoon but that’s not unusual right now but then it started to get worse, sharper and higher. It came on so suddenly that I couldn’t get from the bathroom to the bedroom without Mum’s help and then, when I collapsed on the bed, I couldn’t move because the pain was so bad. It seems to come in waves: there’s the pain and then it surges like a series of electric shocks before finally (FINALLY) receding back to the original pain level. And I never know how long it will go on for; sometimes painkillers seem to make a difference and sometimes it seems to go on for ages regardless. I’m not entirely sure how long this one went on for but it was at least half an hour. And then it always takes quite a long time for me to get my body to relax afterwards, my muscles having been so tense while the electric shock pain was so bad. So even though I was exhausted, it took me a long time to get comfortable and drift off.
THURSDAY
It took me a long time to get up because I was so stiff and sore. The rheumatology appointment can’t come soon enough. I struggled through breakfast and a shower and then had a Zoom production session with Richard, continuing to work on the song we’d started on the Monday. Considering how out of our normal styles the song was, I think we did a good job, especially for a demo and I’m definitely interested to hear what my class have to say when they hear it.
We also had some chill time, just chatting and hanging out, almost like we would if we were actually together, which was really nice. We’re coping with remote sessions but I cannot wait to hang out again properly, have face-to-face writing sessions, and actually do things together. Or not do things together but do that together in the same room, if you know what I mean.

When we finished, I did a couple of FaceTime calls with family and then collapsed on the sofa. I was completely exhausted. Me and Mum watched the last episode of Unforgotten Series 3 and oh my god, it gets me every time (if you know, you know – I’m not going to spoil it but the acting is incredible). Nicola Walker does not get the credit she deserves, although from what I’ve read in interviews, she seems to be pretty happy just buckling down on great projects and not doing the whole spotlight thing. (I’m so annoyed with myself that I missed seeing her in The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time – I would love to see her on stage and it’s such a great book.)
Mum and I were having a relatively chilled evening until I asked her about her call with my doctor. There had been multiple things to update her on and ask about but some of the advice she’d given was just really triggering and upsetting. I will talk about it at some point because I think it’s an important thing to have conversations about but it’s not something I’m personally ready to talk about yet. But it really upset me and just killed the warm, cozy mood of the evening.
And then, to make matters worse, Mouse (the cat) brought in a dead mouse, which is something that almost always sets off a meltdown (fortunately Mum understands this and is okay with dealing with it while I do my best to avoid said meltdown). I managed to remove myself quickly enough that I didn’t have one but it was just the final straw on what I could handle that evening so even though it was still quite early, I went to bed. It was all just too much.
FRIDAY
I slept for about twelve hours but I still woke up feeling exhausted, depressed, and miserable. I feel like I spent most of the first lockdown working really hard to get my mental health into some sort of box so I felt like I wasn’t constantly overwhelmed but most days, it still feels like I’m walking on a tightrope and it takes so little to knock me off and back into that suffocating depression. And that’s exactly what the night before did.
I really struggled all day. I just felt completely unmotivated and so, so tired. I was also having to deal with side effects of my antibiotics – they left me with a disgusting taste in my mouth all the time – which was just an extra strain. I only had one day left so I tried to focus on that but it just felt so much harder than it would’ve had I not already been feeling so awful. I did manage to finish and post the blog post about What’s Next for the Honest EP so that was good to do and helpful for my mental state – ticking stuff off my list always gives me at least a bit of a boost.
The good news of the day was that Kalie Shorr had re-released (I guess) her debut album, Open Book (which I wrote about here), but as Open Book: Unabridged, the original album plus four more songs. ‘My Voice’ and ‘Lying To Myself’ had already been released as singles and she’d played ‘Eighteen’ during her livestream concert but ‘Out Of It’ was completely new, which was really cool. They’re all stunning songs and all in their own way. ‘My Voice’ is empowering and unapologetic, as well as a very effective middle finger at the Country labels in Nashville. ‘Lying To Myself’ paints an aching authentic picture of insecurity after a break up with incredible lyrics like, “I picked out all my favourite things you said, then like a delusional architect, I built you up like a house of cards” and “You liked it up on that pedestal ’cause damn, you looked incredible, but coming down’s inevitable.” ‘Eighteen’ is a brutally honest, heartbreaking song about looking back at a relationship that really wasn’t okay, where you were all in but you were only ever treated badly. And ‘Out Of It’ is similar to a previous Kalie song, ‘Awake,’ but this time, she’s saying ‘no’ and isn’t going to get pulled into the bullshit; this time, she’s cutting the cord between herself and the other person. And because I’m a lyric nerd, here is my favourite (or one of my favourites) from each song:
My Voice: “Too rock for country, too country for punk / But who said I had to pick either one / Tattoos at the Opry / I could cover em up but it’s not me”
Lying To Myself: “I’m a little out of touch with reality, it’s never been that nice to me / I like the pictures I paint the best”
Eighteen: “I see you out with younger versions of me / While I’m trying to find who I used to be / I’m terrified that you and I will always be chasing eighteen”
Out Of It: “Your mom and dad put you through hell / You tell your secrets ’til you scare yourself / It’s a big dramatic entrance then you leave / And now I’m the girl I said I’d never be”
Late afternoon saw me dragging myself through some preparation for a mental health assessment that I have coming up, which was another thing I needed to do. But I was so tired that it took forever and I spent a lot of the time it took with my head on my arms, just trying to think. It was just a really bad mental health day. There was no way around it so I just tried to get through it. I was too tired to do anything really but I still tried to write my blog post about the UniversitiesUK Conference. I find it so hard to just do nothing; it causes me a lot of anxiety so even when I’m exhausted, I’m still desperately trying to do something.
By necessity, it was a quiet evening and I went to bed early, all too aware of how soon I had to wake up again to watch Maren Morris’ livestream concert.
SATURDAY
After MANY alarms, I struggled up at 2am to watch Maren Morris’ livestream concert. It felt very strange to not be a part of the crowd, singing (or screaming) along with her but it was so good to see her perform and hear her gorgeous voice again. It was very comforting, like a reminder that some things don’t change. The world might’ve turned upside down but Maren Morris is still Maren Morris, an exceptional songwriter, singer, and performer. So I was really grateful that she and her team put together this show for us.
I didn’t get back to sleep until about five and couldn’t be roused for anything. I eventually woke up at twelve and then I felt so tired and heavy that I could barely get out of bed. I spent several hours unable to do anything but lie on the sofa and watch TV. Disrupting my sleep patterns always throws me for six and with the depressive feelings still very overwhelming, I was really struggling.
Eventually I managed a shower, which completely exhausted me. It also makes me feel sick and dizzy to stand up for the amount of time it takes to sort the shower, have the shower, and then get dried and dressed. One more thing on the list of things being investigated.
Back in the living room, I put on Lucifer and attempted to do something productive. Mostly I ended up jumping between this and my diary, writing a few sentences here and there before switching back, just too tired to think enough to write anything decent. So that was frustrating, plus I had the nerve pain in my leg again – not the electric shock version but the bit that always comes before that (even if it doesn’t turn into said electric shock feeling) where it aches deeper than feels physically possible. So that didn’t help.
Mum and I had an early dinner and then she went for a swim. I really wanted to go and felt like I should – I’d been looking forward to it ever since the pool closed for lockdown – but I just had absolutely no energy. So she went and hopefully I’ll feel able to go next time. I got some good writing done though, so at least the time didn’t go to waste.
Having gotten up so late, I ended up going to bed too late, which was a bit of a pain. My sleep schedule is so easily knocked off course and then so difficult to correct. It was worth it though. Seeing Maren Morris perform is always good for my soul.
SUNDAY
I slept restlessly and struggled up around ten. I still felt incredibly depressed and it took a huge amount of effort to just get out of bed, into the shower, and up into the living room. I had a quiet day, not that that I think I could’ve managed anything else. I managed to finish and post my blog post about speaking at the UniversitiesUK Conference. I also finished all the paperwork for the upcoming mental health assessment and worked on the interview questions my university had sent me about doing the conference (that interview has since been posted). So, considering how awful I felt, I did manage to get something out of the way and check some things off the ongoing list, which – as I think I’ve said – at least helps me to keep my mental state from sinking lower. Having said that, I don’t want to promote the idea that being constantly productive is essential for your mental health; I’ve just found that, if I can tick something off of my to do list, even if it’s something tiny, then that can help me to keep moving forward, help me not to get stuck in my depression. It doesn’t always work; sometimes I just have to surrender to a bad day and hope that the next one will be better. But trying , even if not succeeding, does seem to do something positive.
In the evening, one of my parents came over and the three of us had a chilled evening, eating dinner in front of the fire and continuing our rewatch of Lucifer. It was gentle and undemanding and I did feel better for it. I often simplify my mood into two levels: surface and deep. And in this case, even though my deep mood was still very depressed and twisted up, my surface mood was a bit lighter. Calling it a surface mood doesn’t, to me at least, make it any less important than the deeper mood; it just means that it’s the mood that deals with the day to day stuff while the deeper mood is the one that you carry inside you and the one that sits with all the big, important stuff in your head and in your life. I guess, I see this mood as the one that’s so intricately intertwined with a person’s overall mental health. For example, in the previous few days, I was depressed on both levels (I’m not sure how good a job I’ve done of illustrating that but it’s the truth) but after the Sunday evening, my surface mood started to lift out of that depressed place. My deeper mood was still there though (and still is as I post this). But the lightening of my surface mood did make it a bit easier to face Monday and the coming week.
I tried to go to bed early but as usual, failed. I swear, I’m desperate to sleep all day and then, at about seven o’clock in the evening, my brain snaps on and starts firing wildly, almost too fast for me to keep up with my own thoughts. It’s so frustrating. It’s almost as if my brain has got day and night confused.
So there you have it: another week completely different from the last. I think I’m grateful for that – it must be better than feeling like you’re stuck in a hamster wheel surely – but it’s not without it’s difficulties. When planning is the thing that makes life easier to bear, it can be hard when each new week seems to bring something unexpected.
You guys seem to like these posts so I’ll be sure to do another one soon but probably not until the new year. Touch wood, I can get all of my coursework done in the next ten days and then I can have some time off (although I’m not exactly sure whether it will feel like time off – my brain already has an anxiety fuelled to-do list waiting for me – but I’m going to try my best.) Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this and I hope to see you in the next post.
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Posted on December 2, 2020
On the 31st October, it was announced that England would be going into lockdown again on the 5th November so it seemed appropriate to revive this list. Having said that, it hasn’t felt like a lockdown at all with so many business, schools, and activities continuing still open; life seems to have continued as normal, which has felt very stressful. I don’t want to make generalisations though. I know that many people have stuck to the rules and been very careful and I am so grateful to everyone who has done so.
As a disabled person, my life hasn’t changed much with the lockdown. The only significant change has been that I haven’t been able to swim, the only exercise I am currently able to do. I can admit that that has been very frustrating and upsetting but if it helps to keep people safe, then that is something that I’m more than willing to do. I just hope that the sacrifices so many people are making are worth it – most so much bigger than mine – that they outweigh the lack of care that some people have shown. Just my two cents.
Now, to the list…
I hope that was interesting to read, that you got something out of this post. Hopefully there won’t be cause to revive it again but if there is, I guess we’ll see what I get up to. I hope you’re all staying safe and are coping the best you can. See you in the next post.
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Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), ADHD (Inattentive Type), and Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), as well as several mental health issues.
I’m a singer-songwriter (it’s my biggest special interest and I have both a BA and MA in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is on all platforms, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.
My debut EP, Honest, is available on all platforms, with a limited physical run at Resident Music in Brighton.
I’m currently working on an album about my experiences as an autistic woman.
Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), ADHD (Inattentive Type), and Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), as well as several mental health issues.
I’m a singer-songwriter (it’s my biggest special interest and I have both a BA and MA in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is on all platforms, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.
My debut EP, Honest, is available on all platforms, with a limited physical run at Resident Music in Brighton.
I’m currently working on an album about my experiences as an autistic woman.
Finding Hope