Finding HopeA Week In My Life (May 2023)
Posted on June 26, 2023
It’s been a long time since I did a Week In My Life post but I thought they’d be fun to revisit. I don’t really have typical weeks anymore – every single one looks different with all of the different things I’m doing and experiencing – but I thought that might add to what makes them interesting; the format remains the same but the contents will always be completely different. This was a super busy week because, on the Monday morning after it ended, I was flying out to Germany so I had to get a lot of stuff done; there could be no putting it off and my ADHD brain did not like that. So it was stressful and busy and chaotic but there were also some really cool, fun, joyful moments too. So it was an interesting one to record.
The week in this post started on Monday 22nd May and ended on Sunday 28th May.
MONDAY
I was up at eight thirty and pretty much straight out to the hairdressers to have my hair coloured in preparation for going to Germany (I’d had it cut the week before). I find it takes several days to settle, for the sharp lines to soften and the colours to blend together nicely. I get so used to seeing it faded (because it’s expensive to get redone – I often top it up out of a box but needed it to look particularly nice on this occasion so didn’t) that seeing it fresh and bold is shocking, in the best way. I love it; it looks amazing every time and I can’t believe that I ever considered doing something different with it (apart from wanting blue hair because who doesn’t). It makes me feel so much more confident; it makes me feel like me.
Back home, I got stuck into some admin work. It took a lot of effort because my brain really didn’t want to do it but I got the necessary emails sent, submitted my Amanda Tapping story for her livestream (which I wrote about in my last post in case you missed it), did some diary catch up, and worked on several upcoming blog posts. I feel like there is never any time to breathe anymore, like I’m always only just keeping up so there isn’t even a moment to stop and think before moving onto the next thing. It’s really stressing me out.
When I had a brief look at social media, Twitter specifically, because of it being Mental Health Awareness Week, all I saw were the usual vague platitudes, corporate statements that didn’t mean anything, and pictures of the royals going to various events. The whole thing infuriated me and I started ranting, tweet after tweet until the thread was barely coherent and I nearly posted it but then I stopped and thought about what I was doing. The thoughts were rushed and frustrated, it’s so easy be taken out of context when you have so few characters, and Twitter can be a pretty toxic place. So I saved the tweets and resolved to elaborate on the thoughts in a better medium, like this blog (which I did and it turned into this post.)
I spent the evening packing since I was going to London the next day and then went to bed relatively early for me, around midnight. But unfortunately, I couldn’t sleep, despite doing everything that usually helps (a routine I have long since refined); I couldn’t seem to relax, my whole body shaking. I was still awake at four, practically vibrating with tension even as I tried to relax enough to sleep. I’ve had sleep paralysis before and it wasn’t that so I don’t know what was going on; I just kept finding my jaw clenched, my hands in fists, and even my toes curled. It was hideous and exhausting.
TUESDAY
I struggled up at nine thirty, got myself showered and dressed, and settled on the sofa with my laptop. I had some more admin work to do, more emails to send, and so I worked through that list before taking a break and scrolling through social media for a little bit. Then I spent several hours working on blog posts and an academic paper about Taylor Swift’s songwriting that I had to submit before I left for Germany; the paper itself was already written but I had a list of edits to work on plus two re-recordings and a new album to integrate into the existing relevant parts of the paper. I don’t mean to be so cryptic but I don’t want to talk too much about the specifics of it until there’s more certainty surrounding the project; it still feels very up in the air, to me at least. But maybe that’s just because it’s the first time I’ve done anything like this.
Mid-afternoon, I had therapy. I don’t want to get too deeply into what we talked about; that is very personal after all. But we did talk about all of the things I had to do before leaving for Germany, as well as how I was going to handle the trip to Germany itself. Sometimes my therapist brings a friend’s dog with her, which is always a bonus. I love her and she loves me and we have some great cuddles, which are very good for balancing out some of the hard stuff we talk about. But no such luck that day (it’s fine though – it’s not like I go for the dog). We finished on time and I managed to get to the station in time to catch my train. It isn’t a long journey but I filled the time, working on blog stuff. I had to make every minute count with so much to do before the week ended and I headed off to Germany.
I got off the train at Victoria station to a very strange sight. I’d paused several feet beyond the barrier to rearrange some of the stuff in my hands and pockets and saw a man standing with a wheelchair and a dog. As I stood there, he encouraged the dog into the wheelchair and it jumped up, turning around and sitting down like it knew exactly what to do. And then, out of his pocket, this man pulled a lizard – a bearded dragon, maybe – and placed it on the dog’s back. Again, it was like both of these animals had done this a hundred times and knew exactly what they were supposed to do. And off they all went, the man pushing the two of them in the wheelchair. It was so surreal to witness. I got the rest of my stuff rearranged and headed for the tube station, fascinated that nobody else seemed to have found this a strange moment to be present for. But then it is London, I guess; everyone is very ‘stay in your lane.’ The whole situation was just so bizarre and I was very aware that I was probably watching something that I’d never see again.
Usually I stay with one of my parents when I do an overnight in London but she already had someone staying so there wasn’t room for me. I ended up staying with family friends – as did my Mum actually since she was was working in a school in London, starting early the next morning – which was really nice because I hadn’t seen them for ages. So it was really nice to catch up. We were all tired and had early starts so we didn’t last long (and had to create a schedule to get everyone in and out of the bathroom in order for everyone to leave on time, which I don’t think I’ve had to do since I was a teenager in secondary school). It took me a while to decompress and go to sleep but it was still quite early by my standards, thank goodness.
WEDNESDAY
I had to get up at half six to get ready, which is most definitely the earliest I’ve had to get up in years. I had a shower, got ready, had some breakfast, and headed for the underground. An organisation I’m a part of, The F List, which supports female and gender minority researchers in music research, particularly research that supports gender equality in music and music research was holding an event, The F List Gender in Music 2nd Annual Research Hub Conference, at my university and I was keen to learn as much as possible – my brain finds learning new things positively addictive, something that I don’t think is uncommon for people with ADHD – even if I was a bit nervous about how long I could stay focussed for. But fortunately that wasn’t too bad and they’d made accommodations for anyone who needed them, although they were very neurodivergent sounding accommodations (as it turned out, there were so many neurodivergent people there that I was starting to wonder if we were all members of the club). As they said on their website: “The F-List Research Hub aims to expand and better introduce the existing feminist and interdisciplinary collective of researchers, dedicated to evidence-led activism which aims to create an environment in which women and gender expansive people in the music industries will be able to more successfully start and sustain their music careers for longer.” And the theme was ‘identity’: “Identity is a central theme in feminist research, which sees ‘who we are’ intimately entangled with ‘what we research.’ The definition above is deliberately broad and (we hope) inclusive to all who seek to research gender issues in music.“
They ended up asking me to write the blog post for the event, which was really exciting. I would be taking notes all day anyway so I just added some extra notes about how the event worked, how everyone socialised, how things felt, in order to sum up the day accurately. We came up with a plan for what the blog would focus on and how long it would be and I played around with it in my head as I listened to the speeches and presentations.
Professor Sophie Daniels, one of the directors of The F List, the head of the songwriting program at ICMP, and my tutor for years, gave the keynote speech, which was really cool. This is what I wrote for the F-List blog because I’m not sure I could say it better: “After a bit of mingling, the day began with the Keynote speech from Professor Sophie Daniels, where she discussed, amongst other things, her career in the music industry, her founding of the songwriting program at ICMP, her artist project, Liberty’s Mother, and it’s associated advocacy work, as well as her research into why we write songs. I first met Sophie in 2014 and she was my teacher on and off for seven years while I studied at ICMP; so while I knew much of what she was sharing, it was really insightful to hear it presented this way, through the lens of feminism, particularly in the music industry and music education. Sophie has always inspired and supported me – as a songwriter, an artist, a researcher, a mental health and Autism advocate, and, ultimately, as a person – and so it was very special to watch her give the Keynote speech.” And it was: it was really special. I will never get tired of hearing ‘I Can Love You From Here.’ It makes my heart ache now just as it did when I first heard it eight years ago.
It was a lot of information but the presentations were short, about fifteen minutes each, which was the perfect length for my ADHD brain and each one was really interesting; I don’t know if it’s the neurodivergent brain but learning new things is always fun for me. The topics ranged from Trans and Non-binary inclusion in the music industry to support for those with ADHD in the music industry to exploring black feminism in the music industry to investigating the interwar generation of women composers at the Royal College of Music, as well as a conversation with the CEO of the Independent Society of Musicians. At one point, she talked about how badly the arts are treated and how they’re so important because they give life meaning: “They lie at the heart of what it means to be a human being.”
Oh, and I greatly enjoyed being introduced to this song…
I found all of it interesting – I really did – (although I did need some time in the quiet space because it was a lot of information and a lot of noise) but I think I was most engaged by the presentations on support for neurodivergent individuals in the music industry, by the one on the emerging trends in the careers of women in the music industry, and the one investigating the interwar generation of women composers at the Royal College of Music. I did wonder whether my Granny would actually be part of that group but when I worked it out, I realised that she wouldn’t have enrolled until after the end of the period of study. It would’ve been so bizarre if her name had appeared in that research.
When the presentations finished, we congregated in the attached cafe to socialise and network, which turned into a commemoration Tina Turner dance party, which was a fun if bizarre way to end the day. It was hard to leave: it was such a nice group of people plus I was dreading the long journey home. But it was a good day; I learned a lot, I fell into some really cool opportunities, and spent time with friends, old and new.
I did eventually make my way to the station and catch a train home. My Mum very kindly picked me up – I was beyond exhausted from so much standing and socialising and focussing all day – and when I got home, I went straight to bed. I had a look at social media for a while, decompressing from the outside world, before going to sleep around one, which isn’t bad for me at the moment.
One of the opportunities that came out of the day was the chance to do the write up – a blog post – of the day. You can find that here.
THURSDAY
I spent most of Thursday at my laptop, working on my Taylor Swift paper. I was really on a roll; I felt like the Kermit the Frog at a typewriter meme. I had already been writing and making progress with it but I hadn’t really managed to get on a roll until that morning and having finally hit my stride, I was having a blast. I was expanding on ideas already present in the paper and building in new ones; the only problem was that I was just increasing the word count and the task of cutting it down was looming. But I was enjoying the fun parts while they lasted and I vaguely resented being interrupted when I had to go out.
It’s been a really long time since I had my last appointment with my psychiatrist, although we’ve stayed in touch. He was in a new office – with a gorgeous view of both the Downs and the sea – and it was much nicer than the last one, which had felt incredibly medical and sterile. I like this one a lot more. And, in the waiting room, there was a painting that I instantly fell in love with: a seascape by a local artist called Sara Hill. I would love to own something like this, to get to look at it everyday. It was completely gorgeous and I found it very soothing to look at, which I suppose is fitting for a psychiatric office.
The appointment went well. My psychiatrist and I talked through my experience with the Phenelzine and what has improved and what’s still a struggle. I’d wanted to discuss increasing the dosage, which we did. It had been too much last time – I felt very overstimulated all of the time – but I thought that, given that I’ve been trying to climb out of a deeper, darker place, a higher dose might be what I needed to make it that extra distance. We talked through that idea – and how much I want to write more again, which I just haven’t been able to – and he agreed. And, proving how well he knows me after all of this time, he suggested we judge the effectiveness by how much I’m writing. Sounds good to me.
Back home, I tried to re-harness my previous focus on my paper and while it wasn’t quite as effective, I did manage to get another good chunk of work done. I even had some time to do a bit of blog writing since I doubted I’d have much time to write while in Germany, I needed to have something prepared for the Saturday at the end of the trip. By the time I went to bed, I was completely exhausted and my brain felt vaguely like I’d put it in the microwave for too long.
FRIDAY
Despite going to bed so late, I was able to drag myself up early for a very important Zoom call. I don’t want to talk about who it was with and what it was about yet, not until things are more certain. But it was a very exciting call and, all being well, some awesome life things will come out of it. That’s all I’ll say for now.
I didn’t have long until my next Zoom call so I spent about ninety minutes or so working on blog stuff. I just needed some decompression time and I find blog post writing very soothing for some reason; I think it just allows my brain to turn over an idea, over and over and over until it makes sense, and getting the words into a satisfying rhythm.
I had a really nice Zoom call with one of my best friends and we ended up talking for about two hours. We can talk about anything, from movies to the really big stuff in our lives, and we can talk for days without needing a break; we can just go off on these tangents that go on for hours and then we eventually backtrack to our original conversation topic, only to go off on another tangent. We have a lot in common and we have so much fun together. At one point, we tried to figure out how we became friends – having met on the MA – but we couldn’t: it seems that we both thought we were already friends and just skipped the whole ‘becoming friends’ part of the friendship, which is actually pretty on brand for us now that we are really good friends. I have no idea if that makes any sense but that’s how it is.
We hung up so that I could get ready and go to therapy. Again, I don’t really want to talk in detail about what we discussed but, in general, we talked about going to Germany, the things I was anxious about, and how I might manage them. I wasn’t feeling too stressed (which turned out to be ridiculous because I found the whole trip incredibly stressful) so it wasn’t too bad.
When I came out of therapy and checked my phone, I saw that Taylor Swift had made an announcement, the release of Midnights (The Late Night Edition) and the new song, ‘You’re Losing Me.’ Someone had already shared it online. Had the song been released somewhere where I could listen to it legally where Taylor would get paid for my purchase or stream, I absolutely would’ve done so – I’ve always felt very passionate about that – but since it’s only available on a CD one can buy at tour dates, I don’t feel bad listening to it online. And what a song it is; it immediately joined my 2023 in Songs post because I love it so much, especially the lyrics. I’ve talked about it more there (I’ll add the link when that post goes up in December) but the ongoing medical imagery is heartbreaking, the way the bridge just keeps building is one of my favourite Taylor techniques, and the imagery in the lyrics all had me absolutely hooked (I particularly love “Remember lookin’ at this room, we loved it ’cause of the light / Now, I just sit in the dark and wonder if it’s time,” “And I wouldn’t marry me either / A pathological people pleaser / Who only wanted you to see her,” and “Do something, babe, say something / Lose something, babe, risk something / Choose something, babe, I got nothing / To believe / Unless you’re choosin’ me / You’re losin’ me”). It’s a gorgeous, gorgeous song and weeks later, I’m still listening to it over and over. So that was a moment to have missed because of therapy.
Back home, I went back to working on my paper. One of my parents stopped in for dinner and we had a good catch up before I got back to work. Then I had some decompression time, writing more of my Mental Health Awareness Week blog post before going to bed.
SATURDAY
I spent the morning working on my paper before catching a train to London. I used the trip to keep writing and then navigated the tube system to get to the Thin Air exhibition at The Beams near London City Airport. And it was absolutely stunning…
The exhibition was made up of several different rooms, designed by different artists or artistic collaborations. I didn’t like all of them but of the ones I liked, I absolutely loved:
- The first was a hallway filled with moving lights and low frequencies. The lights were mesmeric and the low frequencies felt heavy in my chest, which was a weird feeling: on the one hand, it felt a little like my chest was about to implode but on the other, it was like I could feel every vibration in the room passing through my lungs. The description at the beginning of the piece read,”In Cleanse/Mantra, laser light travels down a corridor at 11o Hz per second, which is a wavelength of just under 3 metres. As visitors pass through the installation, their viewing distance is sliced into even sections. This creates a visual mantra: a repeated series of waves, which increase in amplitude. 110 Hz is known as the ‘human pitch,’ stimulating the right side of the brain, where art spirituality, and emotion are centred.” It was made by James Clar, an artist who works with light and technology with an interest in how new media technologies shape human behaviour. Many of his works play with perception using sculptural elements that appear to warp between dimensions, using a wide range of materials and systems, such as multi-channel video installations, lasers, LEDs, and 3D printed elements. He combines these elements to create complex narratives that reference mythology and global history, while questioning our engagement with digital culture.
- The second one was a big, warehouse like room where red and white light seemed to flash sporadically, plunging you into darkness as sporadically. It played strangely with your vision and the same low, heavy frequencies pressed in on you despite the huge space; the contrast was very weird. I found it very compelling; I felt it drawing me in even as the pressure of the low frequencies began to hurt. The space was designed by404.zero, a collaboration between the artists Kristina Karpysheva and Alexandr Letsius. The duo specialises in real-time, generative, and code-based art, which is presented in large-scale installations, performance and music. They combine noise with randomised algorithms to stimulate visceral and awe-inspiring reactions. Through their use of digital technology, they question the power structures of the Anthropocene and global politics, revealing them as invisible yet impregnable environments of the contemporary condition. On their Instagram, they describe it by saying, “In our artistic installations, we endeavour to eschew narrative descriptions, encouraging individuals to introspect rather than rely on external interpretations. We challenge visitors to delve deeper into their own perceptions and explore the depths of their personal experiences!”
- The third of the rooms was a similar warehouse-like room but with lines of lights across the ceiling, the lights speeding overhead almost like cars on a road at night or flashing on and off suddenly. It was beautiful, the colours changing; one of colour combinations stuck out in my mind because it reminded me of a lion fish. Around the room, there were big bean bags that you could sit or lie on and look up at the lights. We ended up staying there for ages, even though the low frequencies of the room were creating so much pressure in my body. While part of me liked that feeling, it did start to feel painful after a while; other than that, it was incredibly relaxing and I could’ve sat there for hours. It was called Lines, made by S E T U P, a studio founded by Znamensky Dmitry, Novikov Stepan, Zmunchila Pavel and Kochnev Anton in 2018, that works with light, programming and sculpture to create installations that sharpen physical perception, merging the lines between multimedia art, lighting & stage design, and performance programming.
- The fourth room was much smaller with a screen on the floor that we all stood around and watched as the points of multiple lasers moved across the screen as if carving out pathways in a landscape; they’d follow the same route but always slightly different, like the erosion of rivers made from light. It was hypnotic and very soothing to watch; I could’ve watched it for hours had there been somewhere to sit. It was called ‘Phosphor’ by Robert Henke and the description read: “In Phosphor, an ultraviolet laser paints temporary traces, on a layer of phosphorus. Retained for just a moment, the lines are ever evolving, combining into marks that evoke natural patterns of erosion.” Ha, I’d forgotten it said that so the imagery it was trying to evoke definitely certainly worked. Anyway. Robert Henke is a digital artist who works with algorithmically generated images, laser installations and early personal computer hardware. Also a co-creator of the cult music software Ableton Live, Henke has redefined the way we create and experience electronic music.
- And the last room that really inspired me was one full of red lasers that were aimed around the room. The shape of the space it created reminded strongly of being inside a circus tent. It was very surreal to move through it because you kept expecting to walk into a fence – which the lines of light looked very much like – and bounce back but then, of course, you moved through them. I had great fun pretending I had superpowers, pretending that I was creating the beams of light. It was created by Matthew Schreiber and the description read: “A site-specific light sculpture, Banshee 2023 responds to the volume of the room it inhabits. The precise placement of lasers produces a series of geometric patterns frozen in space. Evoking the tools of the entertainment industry and its production of spectacle, visitors are invited to move within a static light show, seeing it change as we shift our position in the room.” Matthew Schreiber is a multi-disciplinary artist best known for his large-scale laser light sculptures, such as this one and visitors are often invited to interact with his work. Interested in how physics, technology and perception can alter our experience of the world, he reimagines light and space to explore unseen forces.
It was really cool and I’m really glad we got to see it before it closed (while we were in Germany). I would’ve stayed longer if I could’ve but I still had so much to do and they do encourage you to keep moving through the rooms.
Then it was back on the train home and even though I was exhausted, I continued working on the paper and on the upcoming blog posts. I also managed to reply to some of the messages I’d been unintentionally procrastinating over, accidentally pushing them back in favour of getting more work done. So that felt like an achievement too. I was pretty much getting things done out of sheer willpower – something that absolutely does not always work but did this time for some reason – which I was very relieved by. Of course, so pleased to be on a successful streak and unwilling to break it, I ended up going to bed much too late.
SUNDAY
It was a very goal focussed day. I managed to get my blog post of the week – So That Was #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek… – done and published relatively early in the day and then I moved on to the piece about The F List conference. I had all of my notes from the actual day and I’d been making notes since then: thoughts that felt important to include, anecdotes that would make it more personal, and so on. I got that done mid afternoon, I think, and sent it off (they really liked it and it was published and shared a few days later).
Afternoon and evening, I packed for Germany. I was going to be there for a week but I am a terrible packer – I just find it really hard. I wonder if that’s an ADHD thing, given that it’s an organisation and planning based skill. Interesting; I’d never thought of that. I don’t know but possibly. I’ll have to do some research. Anyway, as I said, I’m a really bad packer (I once packed for five weeks in Australia two hours before I left for the airport – the dread and procrastination were so bad) so I struggled through that as a task. Eventually I got that done, with probably much more than I’d need.
I spent the rest of the evening trying to finish my Taylor paper. This edit was essentially finished – apart from one section, which I couldn’t work on until I got some of the literature they’d promised to send me (and now have sent me) – but it was way over the word limit and, as hard as I tried, I couldn’t get it down without cutting out significant parts of whatever point I was making or the evidence for it. But I kept trying and trying and trying, as well as tidying the whole thing up. In the end, around two in the morning, I decided that I would send it as it was and ask the organisers – all of them accomplished academics – for their advice on the word count. I’ve never done this before but they have; hopefully they can help me get it down to the required length without compromising the content on the next edit. So I stopped at two and went to bed, my laptop on the bedside table so that I could send it first thing in the morning.
It was a very anxious week: there was the pressure of trying to get everything done, the unknowns of the conference, and the anxieties around going to Germany. It was hard. But it’s also really nice to be productive again, to be working and producing, even if my mental health and neurodivergence do make that a struggle sometimes; over the last couple of years, I’ve been so paralysed by my mental health problems – by my depression and anxiety specifically – that I’ve barely been able to do anything. So just to do things at all, let alone the amount of things I’ve been doing, is kind of amazing to me.
A(nother) Week In My Life (In Lockdown)
Posted on August 15, 2020
It hasn’t been that long since my last week-in-my-life post but life is so different week to week at the moment that I thought I’d do another one once I started to see how the week was turning out. I thought, if anything, it would be interesting to be able to look back and see how different different periods of time could be during this pandemic and the subsequent lockdown.
The week in this post started on Monday 20th July and ended on Sunday 26th July.
MONDAY
I got up around eight, determined to be productive: do admin, send emails, work on blog posts, and so on. But I quickly discovered that the internet was down for the whole street and so I had to adjust my plans. I went back to my photo library and managed to finish sorting out my photo library: I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this but when I loaded my photo library onto my new laptop, there were multiple duplicates of every single photo and the only way to be sure that I was getting rid of all of them (and not losing any of the originals) was to go through it manually. It took about two weeks of dedicated work but that morning, I finally finished deleting the duplicates, cutting the library down from 85,000 to 30,000 – no wonder Photos was running so slowly… I wasn’t quite done: I had to finish organising the remaining original photos into albums but it was real progress and that was very satisfying.
Since I was filming the music video for my next single, ‘Back To Life,’ the next day, I’d recoloured my hair a couple of days earlier (it had grown out A LOT) but since my usual dye had been discontinued, I’d had to guess at a new one and I wasn’t super happy with it so with my Mum’s help, we dyed it again, using a much redder dye than the previous one. It still wasn’t quite what I wanted but it was better than before.
I spent the afternoon working on (and finishing!) my next blog post, My Lockdown Favourites, and then, in the evening, I tried on the outfits and jewellery for the video, just to make sure that everything matched and was comfortable enough to move freely in. I avoid weighing myself because of my struggles with food – I don’t believe I have an eating disorder but I have gone through phases of disordered eating so I’m careful to avoid things that trigger that, like keeping a frequent eye on my weight – but I don’t think I’ve gained much, if any, weight during lockdown. My weight fluctuates within a certain range and I’m currently wearing the bigger size of jeans but that did happen pre-lockdown times. So I was relieved that everything was comfortable and that I don’t need to spend money on new clothes.
I was happy with the two different looks and as comfortable with our safety plan as I could be, given that I find just going out incredibly stressful, but I still felt very anxious about making the video. We were shooting early to avoid as many people as possible, would be masked (apart from me when I was on camera), and would be socially distanced, but I was still anxious about being out, about acting relaxed and happy for the upbeat song while feeling so anxious, as well as all the normal anxieties about making music videos and being filmed. So it’s safe to say I was struggling. But if we didn’t shoot the video, we couldn’t move forward with the EP, and I would continue to carry all of that anxiety.
In an attempt to relax a bit before bed, I caught up with one of my parents over FaceTime and watched an episode of The Mentalist with Mum. Then we went to bed early, given that we had to get up pretty early for the video shoot. I don’t know how I’ve managed to come up with three music videos (four shoots in total), all that have involved getting up at vaguely ridiculous hours.
TUESDAY
My alarm was due to go off at six but I woke up at five thirty. That was positively luxurious compared to Richard’s ‘call time,’ since he’d had to leave his house before five (he was catching the first train from London – we’d talked about this a lot before we even started planning but he said he felt safe doing it, otherwise we wouldn’t have gone forward with the filming). But that extra time was good: it gave me some time to settle myself and collect my thoughts.
When my alarm went off, I got up and got showered, made up, and dressed in the first outfit I’d be wearing. I had a bit of breakfast and it was all going really well when, of course, I discovered a problem: a white residue had appeared on the frames of my glasses. It’s happened before but Mum had managed to get rid of it using a general household cleaner but nothing seemed to be working this time. We were supposed to be picking Richard up from the train station but I couldn’t do the video with my glasses looking the way they did (it was really noticeable and would look horrible) and I was rapidly spiralling into a meltdown, which I really couldn’t afford to have if we were going to film the video. In the end, Mum had to go and get Richard while I desperately tried to clean them, using anything and everything I could think of. A combination of googling and just experimenting later, I discovered that a thorough scrubbing with toothpaste was the answer. So, just in case you ever find yourself with the same problem…
PRO TIP: If your glasses develop a white residue on the frames, a good scrubbing with toothpaste will make them look as good as new.
I was just finishing when Mum and Richard got back and we headed straight out to the beach. I’d expected it to be pretty quiet, given that it was eight in the morning and a section of the beach a good distance from Brighton, but it was actually quite busy: there was an almost constant flow of people, most of whom weren’t wearing masks. This only added to my stress, in terms of safety and in terms of filming.
I don’t want to give too much away since this post will go up before the video is released. But we shot footage in three different locations (which included a somewhat awkward outfit change) and got everything we needed. I’d been worried about singing and making eye contact with the camera, something I’ve never done before, but that turned out to be much easier than before. It was hard work though, especially considering I’ve been inside for the last several months and my high level of anxiety. But we got it done and I’m cautiously optimistic about it as a finished video.
Here’s what I posted on Instagram afterwards…
Braved my anxieties to work on something special with the lovely @sandersonphoto today 🌊 (x)
After so much physical exertion (for the last year or so, even standing for extended periods of time can make me feel lightheaded and dizzy), it was a struggle to get back to the car. My whole body hurt, particularly my hip and knee joints and my steps got shorter and shorter. It felt like there was broken glass between the bones at each joint. It was horrible.
Eventually we made it back to the car and then home. We sat socially distanced in the garden for some lunch and then, as I watched Richard attempt to reconnect with the cats, I ended up falling asleep in my chair, completely exhausted by the emotion, the anxiety, and the physical activity. Fortunately Richard understands that this does happen – it’s happened before. I didn’t sleep for long and then we had a good catch up before dropping him back at the station around four. We were both really wiped from the early starts and the shoot.
Home again, I flopped down on the sofa and caught up with my other three parents who were all eager to hear how it had gone. Then me and Mum watched a couple of episodes of The Mentalist, had dinner, and went to bed early.
WEDNESDAY
It was a really tough day because I was in a lot of pain after the shoot the day before. My whole body hurt, every single time I moved, every time I even shifted my weight. It was hideous. No one has managed to explain why I experience this level of pain after ‘normal’ levels of activity and our investigation has been stalled by the pandemic. Hopefully one day we’ll be able to find out, or at least find some solid ways of managing it so that I don’t feel so limited (I think the lack of exercise – swimming is the only form of exercise that I can do without pain – hasn’t helped).
I’d planned to have a very gentle day anyway, knowing I’d be tired, so I settled in to watch Absentia Season 3. I knew from watching the first two seasons that I would get so absorbed that I wouldn’t want to stop until I finished it so I dedicated the day to binging the whole thing. I’m finding this to be a really good form of escapism at the moment, especially because I don’t have the concentration to do anything but watch it. Anyway, it was really good and I really, really enjoyed it. Having only started it a month or so ago, it’s already one of my favourite shows. I think the first season is my favourite but I’ve loved all of them and I love Emily Byrne (played by Stana Katic). She’s such an interesting character with such a complex history that I could just watch endless episodes of her. It’s definitely a show that I’ll watch over and over again.
This is the trailer for Season 1 even though I was watching Season 3 – I just don’t want to spoil the show for anyone.
I was so overwhelmed when I finished it that all I could really do was sit and absorb it. But eventually my brain started working again and I had a quick scroll through social media (I haven’t been spending much time on it recently but I do try to check in every now and then so that I’m update to date with what and how my friends are doing) before doing a bit of work, despite my dedication to a day of relaxation. A Dutch journalism student had reached out to me, asking if he could interview me as a new artist dealing with the pandemic. I’d been happy to help and he’d sent me a series of questions that I’d been thinking about so I pulled them up and wrote out my answers before sending the document back to him.
I FaceTimed with one of my parents (it’s hilarious – we talk more now than we did pre-pandemic even though we’re currently doing less and therefore have less to talk about, leading to some pretty bizarre conversations) and then me and Mum had dinner with The Mentalist. And after taking some time to digest, she gave me a massage (I think I’ve mentioned previously that she used to be a massage therapist) to help with all the pain I was in. It wasn’t exactly comfortable but I think it helped in the long run.
Lying on the carpet post massage, I was so relaxed that it was very hard to get up. I didn’t end up going to bed until around eleven.
THURSDAY
Despite the less than early night, I woke up at six and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was still tired but I enjoyed the cool and quiet of the early morning. It’s the time of day when I feel most calm, I think.
I stayed curled up in bed but I got to work, answering all of my outstanding messages (and there were A LOT of them). Over the last month or so, I’ve found that taking a couple of days away from social media can be really good for my mental health but then almost all of my socialisation with my friends is through social media so I’ve been working at finding a comfortable and healthy balance. The messages do pile up every now and then though so I’m not there yet. But I’m trying.
That done (and it felt like a real achievement considering how many messages there were), I got up and went downstairs to feed the cats. I was still in pain but it was mainly just in my joints and where the body bends, rather than absolutely everywhere like it had been the day before. So that was progress.
I spent the morning updating my bullet journal and working on various blog posts with Friends on the TV with volume turned down low (background noise helps me work and it seems to be the only thing that doesn’t distract me). I was just getting on with that when I got a handful of notifications from Taylor Swift’s social media accounts, announcing that she was releasing a new album at midnight (or 5am for me in the UK).
My brain basically short-circuited. It was such a shock – a good one, yes – but a shock nonetheless. I was incredibly excited but I also had this weird mix of adrenaline and anxiety rushing through my system; I think the only way I can describe it is that it’s like when my plans suddenly get derailed and I’m left scrambling to try and figure out what the new plan is. It’s not a comfortable feeling. Having said that, I don’t want to come across as negative because I was genuinely immensely excited but sudden changes are a lot to handle when you’re autistic so I was dealing with a lot of overwhelming emotions.
Given this news, my concentration was shot for the rest of the day. Usually, we have a lot longer to wait between announcement and release so the anticipation builds over months but this time, it felt like it was all compressed into less than a day. It took hours to get back into a headspace that wasn’t just ‘OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! TAYLOR SWIFT IS RELEASING A NEW ALBUM AND WE’LL HAVE IT IN LESS THAN TWENTY FOUR HOURS!’ and even then, the thought would leap up out of nowhere and smack me in the face, derailing my thought process. So it wasn’t the most productive day ever.
I spent (or tried to at least) the rest of the day trying to catch up with my diary so that I could immediately write down my thoughts on the new album the next day. I didn’t quite make it but I got close enough that I would still be writing about it on its release day.
Something that I started doing with the ‘Red’ album was predicting which songs I would like based on the titles. Obviously that’s not much to go on and there’s no logic to it really but it’s a fun exercise. My guesses for ‘folklore’ were ‘the last great american dynasty,’ ‘exile’ (I mean, a collaboration with Bon Iver?!), ‘my tears ricochet,’ ‘seven,’ ‘august,’ ‘this is me trying,’ and ‘epiphany.’ So I wrote those down, set multiple alarms to wake me up for my traditional 5am first listen, and went to bed early.
FRIDAY
My alarm went off at 4.45am and I flipped through various apps on my phone, just trying to wake myself up for the 5am release. But when the time came around, the album wasn’t available on iTunes. Fortunately lyric videos for each song had been uploaded to YouTube so I watched those according to the track listing. It’s always really important to me to listen to a new album in order because that’s a creative decision the artist made when they put it together. I often continue to listen to albums like that (unless I’m in a specific mood and need the validation that songs of a similar emotion provide).
As I listened, I noted down my thoughts about each track. I love how our relationships to songs change over time and as we discover all the layers within them so I always find it really interesting to look back and see what my original thoughts were for comparison. I don’t know if anyone cares but I’m going to stick them in here because I love the album and loved it from the first listen.
- the 1 – I instantly loved the nostalgic feel, created by the warm and gentle production. It had gorgeous lyrics with beautiful imagery and the melody felt easy and natural; I was singing along by the end of my first listen. It was instantly a favourite.
- cardigan – This one felt darker and a little more jaded with slightly more chaotic production. But it still had a warmth to it; it reminded me of a fire on a winter evening. The lyrics were detailed with more beautiful imagery.
- the last great american dynasty – This one has such an expansive, detailed story and I just loved the idea of this truly shameless woman but I didn’t personally connect to the song until it flipped and the story turned personal and then I was grinning like an idiot. The production felt very fitting with the story being told and again, the detail (and wide vocabulary) made for a great song.
- exile feat. Bon Iver – This is the collaboration I never knew to hope for. Bon Iver has a gorgeous voice and I just loved the two opposite sides, telling their story both in concert and over each other in a way that only intensified an already incredibly emotive song. It was an instant favourite and had me sobbing on the first listen. The lyrics were absolutely stunning and while I loved pretty much all of them, I really loved the first and final lines of the main chorus. There was just something about it that hit me square in the chest.
- my tears ricochet – The vocals in this one were particularly gorgeous and the lyrics were gorgeous and rich, kind of reminding me of velvet and stately rooms. The story is a mystery but beautifully detailed and I’m looking forward to listening over and over again until I understand it better. (I have to add that as soon as someone pointed out that it was, or at the very least could be, about the betrayal of Borchetta and sale of her masters, I fell in love it, with the metaphor and the emotion.)
- mirrorball – I instantly loved the guitar sound and I just loved the lyrics, how fragile they were but still so full of hope for love. It had some really beautiful lyrics and somehow, the whole song – lyrics, melody, and production – sounded just like a mirrorball.
- seven – I found this one a bit hard to follow but it had real character and some beautiful lyrics. I also really loved the relationship between the characters in the song.
- august – This one just sounded like a hazy summer day to me and the story was just so clear. The production was full and glorious and again, I loved the relationship between the two characters and the obvious complexity of their relationship, even though we don’t know who they really are or if they’re real at all.
- this is me trying – I was instantly struck by the production: thick and stunning and emotional. And I loved the reverb on the vocal and how it added to the emotion of the song. It was a favourite straight away, with gorgeous lyrics and imagery, and it was so honest and vulnerable in its simplicity. I just wanted to close my eyes and live in it. I found the rhythm of the bridge a little bit jarring but I’m sure I’ll get used to that with more listening. It seemed more real than some of the others. I’m not sure why but some of them just seemed more real.
- illicit affairs – It took me a while to get into this one – I found the verses lyrically beautifully but the rhythms tripped me up a little – but I loved the stripped back-ness of it. I loved the chorus lyrics and I adored the bridge: the pain and the fury in it were just so real, so brutally honest and vulnerable.
- invisible string – I thought this one told a really lovely story with both tongue-in-cheek lyrics and beautifully sincere ones. But I didn’t like something about the production of the vocal, something that made it a little uncomfortable to listen to.
- mad woman – Definitely the biggest oh-my-god of the album. I kind of wanted it to be a huge, relentless wall of sound but I think the calm, beautifully honed steel approach is probably more effective, given the subject matter (another take on Borchetta, Braun, and the sale of her masters). I loved it and loved her refusal to be shamed for being angry. The lyrics were truly awesome and I loved how she went straight for the jugular, all in in an incredibly gratifying demolition.
- epiphany – I found this one hard to listen to because the emotions were so raw but it was beautifully written, a stunning tribute to the people described and their stories. I cried from the first verse until long after the song finished.
- betty – I thought this big, busy story was told really well but I didn’t really connect with the characters. I just ended up getting distracted wondering who the characters were, who the songs were about. The production also wasn’t really a style I love but the key change did make me smile. And hearing her sing, ‘would you tell me to go fuck myself’ made me laugh, even though she’s singing in character.
- peace – This is, I think, one of the most beautiful, vulnerable, honest love songs I’ve ever heard. It reminds me of wedding vows, of all of the promises she’s willing to make but then asking him if they’re enough to outweigh the hard times. She lays everything bare and I think that’s part of what makes the song so special. The production is also simply gorgeous (even though I would’ve loved a big, glittering bridge but I get that that’s not how this genre or style seems to work). It was another real favourite and I was a puddle of tears by the end.
- hoax – This one feels intricately connected to ‘peace’ somehow: a darker but still painfully honest, vulnerable love song. Having said that, I could be completely wrong. I don’t feel like I fully understand it with just one listen because there are just so many lyrics and metaphors and emotions to unpack but I’m looking forward to listening to it over and over again and sharing theories with other fans until I understand it better. But back to the song, the beautiful lyrics are only accentuated by the simple production. It ends the album on a very complex note, which isn’t something she traditionally does.
I’m really looking forward to hearing ‘the lakes’ and seeing how that fits into the album and I’m just really excited to listen to the album over and over and over again, until I know every little detail. Again, because I love it so much (and because I’m a Songwriting Nerd), I’ll probably make a whole post about it at some point once I’ve listened to it more and have a better understanding of the stories. If that’s not your thing then I absolutely won’t be offended if you skip that post.
I bought some merch (the international shipping is atrocious but I’m trying not to beat myself up since I’ve barely spent any money since lockdown began) and spent the morning on Tumblr, reading people’s reactions and theories and analyses of the new songs. This is always one of my favourite parts of a new Taylor album, everyone coming together to peel back all of the layers in each of the songs. It reminds me of this Daisy Johnson quote from Agents of Shield (my favourite TV show): “Usually one person doesn’t have the solution, but a hundred people with one percent of the solution? That will get it done. I think that’s beautiful… pieces solving a puzzle.”
Early afternoon, I had a Zoom session with my therapist. We talked through the week since my last session, discussing the difficulties and how I’d dealt with them. She also let me ramble about Taylor Swift for a little bit because she knows how much I love her and how important her music is to me, both as a person and as a songwriter. For the most part though, we talked about how much I have and still am struggling with the different reactions people have had and are having to the pandemic and lockdown. I’ve never been able to get my head around the way some people have managed to be super motivated and productive during this time while I feel like I can’t move past the fact that we’re in a pandemic, that tens of thousands of people have died, hundreds of thousands of people are mourning, and so on. It’s like this giant roadblock that I just cannot navigate around. Yes, I’ve been able to do bits and pieces here and there but this is always in the middle of my brain, making it impossible to be much more than minimally functional. I don’t think a person is bad or wrong for being able to compartmentalise or manage however they are managing; I just don’t understand how someone actually does it. Usually I can understand how someone might approach a situation differently even if I can’t actually do it myself but right now, I can’t. I wish I did; I wish I knew how to not feel constantly overwhelmed by distress and grief and fear.
By the time we finished, I was really starting to flag; the early start, the emotions of ‘folklore,’ and the difficult discussions in therapy. I was TIRED; I was struggling not to fall asleep on the sofa. I lay there for a while, just processing everything, and when Mum came upstairs to check on me, we ended up watching The Mentalist together while I did some diary writing. My emotions were all over the place and I just needed some gentle time.
Dinner and another episode later, me and Mum got in the car and went for a drive. I always introduce her to new albums on long drives and it’s a tradition we both really love (something we haven’t done since before we went into lockdown). We didn’t have anywhere to drive to so we just decided to drive up to a particular junction on the motorway and back, listening to the album beginning to end. For some reason, it feels like an album that sounds best in the dark, hence why we’d waited until the evening. It was really fun and we both really enjoyed it. Mum’s initial favourites were ‘illicit affairs,’ ‘this is me trying,’ and ‘mad woman.’ After a day of listening to it, my top three were ‘this is me trying,’ ‘mirrorball,’ and ‘exile.’ But I really, really love a lot of them. It’s mostly a case of which ones do I love more or less and which ones do I connect to more or less.
There was a diversion due to roadworks so we ended up getting home pretty late. We were sorting out the cats and getting ready for bed when we came to a decision on something we’ve been discussing for a while: we decided to buy the one thing I wanted for my birthday, a Gretsch hollow body electric guitar. I’ve wanted one for months and it was going to be my birthday present but me and Mum had discussed it and decided to buy it a couple of months early so that I can make the most of it before university starts again in early October (my birthday is at the very end of September). I want to improve my skills and also just play for fun as much as possible before I have to start factoring in university work, in whatever form that takes. We’ve been talking about it for a while now but that evening, we decided to finally stop talking about it and actually do it. It was very exciting and would be arriving in just a few days (the picture below is from when it arrived).
SATURDAY
I woke up feeling tired and unsettled and anxious and it just got stronger and stronger throughout the day. I just felt really overwhelmed by all the things I feel I still need to do before uni starts again, which ironically and frustratingly made it harder to get anything done.
It was a rainy day so the cats spent a lot of time indoors with us, which was a comfort. They’re usually busy playing in the garden so it was nice to have them around. They were all pretty affectionate but Sooty was especially snuggly and I gratefully accepted every invitation to cuddle.
I posted my weekly blog post, My Lockdown Favourites, and then spent most of the day catching up with my diary. It’s so easy to get behind and that causes me such anxiety. I also spent a bit of time at the piano and continued messing around with a couple of song ideas I’ve been working on recently. I’ve been experimenting with writing from the point of view of fictional and historical characters over lockdown and although I find it much harder than writing about my personal experiences, it’s a fun challenge and one that I think is improving my songwriting skills, as well as resulting in some interesting songs. So, all in all, it was an okay day.
In the evening, one of my parents came over for dinner in the garden. We’d also planned to watch Hamilton together but given how stressed and anxious I’d been, we decided to postpone that until next time so that I’d actually be able to enjoy it. I’ve really been looking forward to seeing it so I was grateful for the flexibility; I wanted to be able to really get stuck in and engage with it and I just didn’t feel able to that day. Still, it was really nice to see her in really life and hang out together.
When she left, me and Mum watched a couple of episodes of The Mentalist while I did some diary writing and then we went to bed, far too late as usual. Sleeping badly has got me all twisted up about going to bed so I dread it and put it off and usually end up sleeping worse because of it. It’s a habit I’m trying to break but so far I haven’t done very well. It’s just so easy to get sucked into trying to finish whatever I’m doing.
SUNDAY
I slept restlessly (as is my new normal) and woke up feeling tired and low. But I dragged myself up and me and Mum fed the cats – it really is a two person job with five very eager cats. They’re so cute though and watching them practically inhale their food and then skip out into the garden to play is a good way to start the day.
Mum headed out straight away and drove to our gym since she hasn’t been able to get anyone on the phone. Because of my Chronic Fatigue and the ongoing problems with my joints, weight bearing exercise can be really painful so swimming is really the only serious exercise I can do. I’m really concerned that gyms are opening too early but as they are, I at least wanted to know what the safety precautions are and what my options might be. Our gym has a therapy pool that was always empty first thing in the morning so we would use that but when she returned, she reported that the therapy pool wasn’t an option because they didn’t have enough life guards yet. And when it came to their safety precautions, I just didn’t feel like it was worth the risk. But we’re going to keep talking to them and try to work out an arrangement as a disabled member. So it’s not the end of the road but it was very disappointing and didn’t help my mood.
I was supposed to have a music lesson (via Zoom) but my anxiety was even worse than the day before so, in the end, I cancelled it. Fortunately my teacher is one of my parents and so she understands that if I say I can’t do something, I really can’t. I’d really tried to motivate myself and push through my anxiety but I just felt like I was going to start crying at any moment. It was just too much.
So I curled up on the sofa with the TV on low and continued catching up with my diary. I always get behind when Taylor Swift releases an album because I end up writing so much about it – the lyrics, what I like and what I’d do differently, the production, my overall thoughts – and sticking in interesting analyses from Tumblr. I’m always amazed at how quickly some people are able to analyse a song and see all the layers while I’m still overwhelmed by the amount of layers and all the emotions the songs evoke.
I also did a bit more work organising my photo library but I hadn’t got very far before I was interrupted (very pleasantly) by one of my parents dropping in to say hello. She hadn’t planned on staying long but then we got talking about ‘folklore.’ She’s a huge music nerd so she’s always interested to know what I’m listening to. I played her a couple of the songs and that turned into a full album listening party, which was really fun, although I’m always a little anxious about playing her music that’s special to me because she can have really strong opinions. But she was really into it (she particularly liked ‘mad woman’) and asked me to share it with her so she could listen to it some more. So that was very cool.
I ended the day having dinner and watching The Mentalist with Mum (we are both complete saps when it comes to the Jane and Lisbon relationship in the final season) while I continued writing my diary.
So that’s another week of my lockdown experience. I feel like, aside from unexpected difficulties with my mental health or an autistic meltdown, I’m finding a groove where I’m as productive and comfortable as I can be. It’s far from what I would’ve wished for during this period (apart from the new Taylor Swift album) but I’m cautiously optimistic that I’m managing a bit better, in the sense that I’m better at taking things day by day.
So I hope this was interesting to read, interesting to see someone else’s experience and maybe escape your own life for a bit. I hope you’re all doing well, staying safe and coping the best you can.
Finding Hope 