Posted on May 10, 2024
NOTE: This is a very specific post that involves a lot of discussion about the show Stargate SG-1 and the lessons to be learned from various episodes. I know this won’t be a post for everyone so, if it isn’t for you, please feel free to skip it and wait for the next post; it will be coming soon. But I really needed to do this post for me, as this challenge has really supported my mental health over the last couple of months and so I wanted to archive it here.
TW: Brief mentions of depression and suicidal thoughts.
In the run up to the launch of the kickstarter for Embracing Mental Health as a Fandom, a collaborative book between Amanda Tapping and The Companion, the latter set several challenges to raise awareness for the fundraiser and the book. The challenge I took part in was the ‘60 for 60 Challenge,’ which involved watching sixty episodes of Stargate SG-1 – with the last episode coinciding with the launch of the kickstarter – and then discussing the themes and lessons of each episode on social media with other Companions.
Because so much has been going on in my life recently, my postings on social media and the discord have been pretty sporadic so I made sure to document my progress and my thoughts in this blog post.
As we watched each episode, we were encouraged to look for mental health and personal growth lessons…
14th March:
At this point, prompts were introduced to give people a discussion point, which made for a more structured analysis of the episodes, stories, and characters…
PROMPT: Arrogance is a huge theme with regards to the Tollan, but self confidence is crucial to doing excellent work. Where is the balance?
Similarly to my original thoughts on the episode, it’s the Tollan’s absolute refusal to believe that they could possibly be wrong that proves to be their undoing; their arrogance and rigidity don’t allow for any doubt and I think it’s doubt, or at least questioning oneself, that allows us to grow and make more considered, more nuanced choices. Being more open to different opinions and different interpretations allows us to be more confident in ourselves and in our choices because, by being open, we know that we’ve done all that we can to take the best step forward.
15th March:
PROMPT: What’s your biggest lesson in Last Stand?
As I noted after watching Summit, a clear lesson from both episodes is that you shouldn’t ever fully trust someone who refuses to tell you the whole story, who doesn’t consider you important enough to share all of the details with. Daniel also demonstrates how important it is to be adaptable and Lieutenant Elliot’s storyline conveys to us how important it is to having meaning to your life and how important it is to say the important things while you still can.
PROMPT: How would you re-live your life in 2024 as a 15-year-old?
The idea of being fifteen in 2024 is a terrifying one. I honestly can’t imagine how anyone, but especially children and teenagers, can be well-adjusted while growing up and forming their identity with everything going on right now: the social pressure and misinformation circulating on social media, the ongoing trauma from the pandemic, the political nightmare that we’re living in, the genocides we’re witnessing while being able to do so little to make a difference. It’s an awful time to be living in, one I never imagined, and, as much as I’m struggling with it, I can’t imagine what it’s like to be growing up with this being ‘normal.’
But if I were to go back to the 2010s and be fifteen again… that’s a very different question. Usually when I think about something like this, I’m wondering what things would’ve been like if I’d been diagnosed autistic back, but I don’t think this is what the question is asking. If I woke up and was suddenly fifteen again… I really don’t know. It’s such an overwhelming thought. With everything I’ve just written, I think I would be crushed under the weight of everything going on in the world right now, even more so than I am as an adult.
17th March:
PROMPT: This episode starts with Sam Carter being promoted to the rank of Major. Truly, a seeing is believing moment. Who inspires you?
I was the first to post in response to the prompt, joking that we were probably all going to name Amanda Tapping: we were, after all, all there as fans of hers. One of the founders of The Companion commented that he probably should have specified someone other than her. She is a hero of mine so, when asked about who inspires me, my answer would be Amanda Tapping.
But if the question is ‘Who inspires you other than Amanda Tapping?’ I would have say that there are multiple people who inspire me: my Mum for more reasons than I can list; Daisy Johnson from Agents of Shield for multiple reasons, including her strength and her ability to always get back up when she’s knocked down, and Chloe Bennet for her acting ability and her kindness; Taylor Swift for her songwriting skill, her creativity, her desire to learn and experiment, and her warmth and openness; my friends for their creativity, for their determination, for their kindness; and that’s just a few. There are definitely more.
19th March:
PROMPT: This is the super soldier episode, but it’s also when Sam Carter gets her first command of SG-1. What strategies or tools can you share when thrust in charge? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
Technically, this isn’t quite right since Sam was given command of SG-1 for the first time in ‘Spirits’ (2.13) when she was still a Captain. But I do really love seeing Sam in charge. She’s learned a lot as Jack’s second in command and taken on many of his qualities as a leader (his sarcasm often included) but she’s also very much her own person with her own strengths. While Jack’s approach was always (or at least usually) analytical to a certain degree, her analytical approach is quite different. I guess what I’m trying to say is that they have many of the same skills (some of which she did learn from him) but they often use them quite differently, both with successful results. It’s an interesting comparison.
Personally, especially as an autistic person, I think clear communication and a willingness to listen are some of the most important skills a person can have when in charge. Without those, a situation can devolve into chaos very quickly. But I also think it’s important to foster respect for everyone in their own roles so that when one person contributes, their knowledge and skills are listened to and given the respect they deserve.
PROMPT: Jonas finally gets assigned to a mission and yet has to sit on the sidelines. How have you dealt with situations on a team where you feel like you could contribute more, but weren’t given the opportunity? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I’ve often felt like this, like I could do so much if I was only given the opportunity (and often if people would only look past their first impressions of me: disabled, autistic, etc). So often I feel like, if I just had one person who would be willing to believe in me, then I could get so much further with my music because it’s incredibly hard to be an independent artist and it’s even harder to be a disabled independent artist.
21st March:
PROMPT: Tollana’s government really operate in a toxic work environment, don’t they? How have you overcome a highly bureaucratic work environment? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
It seems like the Tollan, in their quest for efficiency, have become toxic in many ways: their rigidity, their arrogance and superiority, Narim’s obsession with Sam isn’t exactly healthy… and then, of course, everything that happens in this episode. The whole society has become extremely toxic. (There are some ‘consequences’ of their so-called perfect society that seem pretty unlikely, no crimes committed like murder or rape, for example. Being a technologically advanced society wouldn’t end crimes like that. And calling the act of the government lying to the people ‘worse than murder’ is just wild, particularly at this moment in time when the government does nothing but lie to the people.)
This is a hard question. I wouldn’t say that the music industry is necessarily bureaucratic but it’s definitely toxic, That’s not to say that all of the people are toxic but there are some really awful systems in place that serve only the highest positions while the songwriters, musicians, photographers, videographers, etc often make very little money, despite being the creators that everything rests upon. It’s also incredibly difficult to break into the industry as an independent artist since the higher ups prefer the industry as it is, rather than letting it evolve as music making itself has. It’s deeply frustrating. But I think that all you can do is focus on making your art and trying to build an audience that loves it; I think the only way we can change things is to do them differently and let the change happen as a consequence, especially in such a big industry.
PROMPT: A major early theme is Daniel dealing with the Cassandra Complex, being right about aliens and yet nobody believes him. When this happens to us, this leads us to feelings of frustration and confusion. Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
Since the show begins with proof that Daniel is right, I think grief is a stronger theme here. Jack has lost Skaara who is like a son to him (and goes on to lose Kawalsky); Daniel has lost Sha’re, Skaara, and his life on Abydos, and Teal’c has lost everything. And although Sam hasn’t directly lost everything, her life has dramatically changed too. The writers don’t spend much time on this at all, even though it would’ve been overwhelming for all of them. Plus they’re suddenly facing what must’ve felt like an impossible threat. It would’ve been so easy to just give up and just collapse under the weight of it all. I don’t think I realised until this rewatch how dark and heavy the beginning of the show is.
22nd March:
PROMPT: Following on from yesterday’s topic of people not believing you, share any stories and tools on how you’ve been patient and found ways to win people over. Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
An example that jumps out at me straight away is how I convinced my psychiatrist to explore both BPD and Autism by presenting him with a stack of research at nineteen. I wasn’t trying to convince him I had either specifically but I wanted to show him that they were worth investigating: if I related to so much of the available information about both conditions, surely he should at least consider them rather than brush them off as unlikely. I was eventually diagnosed with both, although the traits of BPD were later absorbed by my diagnoses of ASD and CPTSD. Arguing with him wouldn’t have changed his mind but compiling as much research as possible and giving him tangible reason to change his mind was much more effective.
PROMPT: Reuniting with lost friends. What’s something you wish you could share with someone you’ve lost or lost contact with? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
If I could talk to anyone, it would be my Dad. He died when I was thirteen, before I’d really even become a my own person yet, and what I wouldn’t give to sit down with him and talk about everything that’s happened in the last sixteen years. Sometimes I sit and imagine what it would’ve been like to have him present for all of the big moments – and the small moments – of my life but it’s never enough because I only ever had a child’s perception of him: it was adoring but limited. I never knew him as a whole person, just like he never got to know me as a whole person.
PROMPT: The episode opens with Sam unexpectedly confronted with an intense allegation, and yet she deals with it calmly. She could have easily been defensive, gotten angry, or even aggressive. How have you dealt with confrontation and allegation and any tools to keep calm? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I HATE confrontation so I don’t generally have to talk myself out of it; more often, I have to push myself to stand up for myself. I have been getting better at that recently because I know I don’t deserve to be treated like that but I still find it very stressful and upsetting.
23rd March:
PROMPT: Imposters! A great opportunity to discuss this topic in any way you’d like. Feeling like an imposter, dealing with fake people, imposter syndrome… Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I don’t think I have anything to say about imposter syndrome that anyone else won’t have already said but the ongoing gaslighting of Sam really resonates with me. She’s told over and over again that what she’s experiencing isn’t real and I really relate to that: I’ve been told by so many medical and therapeutic professionals that what I’m experiencing is normal, isn’t a big deal, something I just need to get over or just live with… It’s awful but it also really wears you down. It’s hard to keep fighting against that ignorance and unkindness when it’s so constant. I usually end up putting it above my own needs, which just makes everything worse.
PROMPT: Daniel’s return means the reunion of the original SG-1 team, only Daniel doesn’t remember anything. Sometimes, as friends drift apart, the reunion can be tough and awkward. Friends and classmates remember things differently. How do you reconnect? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I’ve never really experienced this so I thought I’d pull at a different thread: how our memories shape our identities. Daniel is quite different without his memories of Earth, Abydos, Sha’re, and SG-1 and his fears about remembering who he really is are so valid. I’m terrified of forgetting things, of forgetting the things that have really informed who I am; how would that affect my identity? I’m not sure I have the words to elaborate further on this idea but I can only imagine how difficult it would’ve been for Daniel to have these strange people appear out of nowhere and tell him that they know him, that they can tell him who he is and the sudden anxiety of whether or not he actually wants to know.
1st April:
PROMPT: There is no reasoning with a Prior of the Ori and the disagreements can become so hostile. It’s a reflection we see today in news and social media. Some people can get so angry and somehow violence has become an acceptable solution. The reality is most people are good people. What are some ways you believe we can live in a better world where we can disagree and yet still live peacefully together?
This is a really huge question so I doubt that I can come up with any half-decent answer. But I often think of the Amanda Tapping quote: “The best thing you can do is to make your corner of the world as good as possible.” The world can be an awful and terrifying place but I think that, if we focus on what we can do, that is more likely to affect positive change than if we let ourselves get overwhelmed by how enormous the conflicts and troubles can be.
PROMPT: What’s the most ‘X-treme’ thing you’ve ever done? C’mon, secrets don’t make friends… Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I honestly don’t think I’ve ever done anything particularly extreme; extreme just isn’t enjoyable for me. I’ve done a handful of things that I could probably describe as strange, like going to multiple dates of a Taylor Swift tour or seeing Sara Bareillies in Waitress several times or going to meet Amanda Tapping at multiple conventions. But I think those things are only ‘weird’ or ‘extreme’ to the people who don’t do those sorts of things. I think for people who are fans of particular artists would get it. I think people who love Amanda Tapping would get it too. These are things that bring us joy and if we can make them possible, why would we deny ourselves that joy?
BETWEEN THE 2nd AND 8th APRIL, I WASN’T ABLE TO ACCESS STARGATE DUE TO BEING AWAY IN THE US SO I DID GET SOMEWHAT BEHIND IN THE WATCHALONG.
9th April:
PROMPT: Vala’s daughter, Adria, grows up so quickly in this episode. Although this is a sci-fi story, the reality is that time is fleeting for all of us. Who do you wish you could slow down time with and spend more quality time with? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I don’t think there’s anyone I know that I wouldn’t want to slow down time to have more time with them. But my experience of time over the last few years has been very strange: the world feels like it’s moving so fast but I’m moving so slowly. It makes life feel very confusing and stressful and overwhelming. I constantly feel unanchored and at the mercy of everything happening around me and that’s a really hard way to live. I’ll suddenly realise that I haven’t seen one friend or another in months or that a deadline’s coming up and it just makes keeping track of my life very difficult and very stressful. I’d give anything for life to be even a little less stressful.
PROMPT: In Upgrades, the team get stronger and faster but that also leads to irresponsible decisions. When have you made overconfident and impulsive decisions and what lessons did you learn? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I am the opposite of impulsive. And overconfident. I think I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve done something spontaneous and/or reckless. I think it’s probably my autistic-need-to-follow-the-rules thing. Having said that, I have gotten up to some hijinks while away in Nashville (not particularly wild but still pretty big for me). The anxiety and stress that makes me feel so tightly wound just lessens a little and I find myself less resistant to going with the flow. I’ve spontaneously gone to shows, changed my plans, socialised with people I don’t know, grabbed opportunities that usually feel to scary. It’s very strange.
PROMPT: Thor reveals his true self as the grey aliens we’re so familiar with. Has there been a time when you discovered something new and it all just clicked in together? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
Discovering that I’m autistic really changed my life because suddenly so many of my experiences made sense and that happened again and again as I was diagnosed with comorbid conditions that explained more and more of the things that had been making my life difficult. Of course, a lot of these conditions still make my life difficult but at least I know why. When I didn’t know, I just felt so lost but as I’ve gained more and more knowledge about all of these issues, the less lost I’ve felt, at least in regards to my mental health, my physical health, and my disability.
10th April:
PROMPT: The greatest episode in Stargate history… April Fool’s! But seriously, this episode deals directly with inequality and sadly that still exists today. How do you deal with inequality with others that live in ‘completely different ways?’ Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I’m acutely aware of how much I don’t know about people and so I always try my best to stay open and un-judgemental. There’s so much to learn about people, in the wider groups they belong to and as individuals. I’m often misunderstood because I’m autistic, because of mental health issues and my physical health issues, and I know how awful it feels to have people make assumptions and judgements without even trying to understand me. I never want to be someone who does that to people. Of course, we all have our internalised issues that we need to work through but I’m doing my best and I think that that’s all we can do as individuals.
PROMPT: Teal’c and Rya’c deal with a difficult father-son relationship. How is your relationship with your father (or other family member)? Anything you wish they could understand more about you? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I was only thirteen when my Dad died so we never really had the opportunity to have anything other than a good relationship. We got on really well but I was still a kid – a very un-rebellious, well behaved kid – and I didn’t live with him so we never really had the chance to have a bad relationship. I like to think that that would’ve stayed the status quo – a good relationship – in general. I do wonder how he would’ve reacted to my being autistic though, whether it would’ve been something he accepted straight away or whether he would’ve struggled with it like some people have.
PROMPT: In Homecoming, the oldest of the System Lords, Lord Yu, is beginning to suffer from dementia and we know it’s not easy on First Prime Oshu. We know many of you are caring for your aging parents and grandparents. We’d love to hear a wonderful story about them. Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
This situation doesn’t really apply to me but my Mum’s Mum died in September 2021 at the age of eighty-three. It was really hard on my Mum but I’m not sure I’ve really dealt with it: I was too busy just trying to keep it together. But one of the things I loved about her was, despite not necessarily understanding my being autistic or my sibling’s exploration of gender and self expression, she always tried to understand and she always supported us. She wasn’t scared by not knowing; she was always open and empathetic in her approach to learning more. I very much admired that about her and hope that I will be able to respond to the world in a similar way. She was also an amazing piano player.
13th April:
PROMPT: Jack betrays Sam and Daniel throughout this episode. First, by stealing Tollan technology, and later learning that he’s been lying to Sam, Daniel, and Teal’c due to the insistence by the Asgard. Do the ends justify the means? Is it okay to lie for the greater good? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
While I think that there are probably some lies that are acceptable in the grand scheme of things, I don’t think this one was. As I said, I think it was shitty to put the team through that just because the Asguard asked – SG-1 could have been trusted – and I think they forgave him far too easily. I would’ve been really hurt. I think, in general, it’s always better to be honest, although sometimes it might be kinder to choose the moment rather than just blurting something out. But honesty has always been really important to me.
PROMPT: Ronan vs Teal’c? Nah? Rush vs Young? Nope. The greatest fight in Stargate history is between Daniel and Vala. What’s the best ever fight, break up, and make up you’ve ever had with your better half? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
Eh, unconvinced that that’s the greatest fight. It might be the funniest fight though. But whatever. Back to the prompt. I can’t imagine seeing a fight as a good thing so I don’t think I can respond to this prompt particularly well. I’ve only ever had petty spats that eventually everyone got over or devastating conflicts that ultimately ended the relationship. But seriously – seriously – I cannot comprehend looking at a fight of that scale (let alone more than one) and the word ‘best’ ever entering my mind.
PROMPT: Dr. Carter or Major Carter, good Teal’c or bad Teal’c. Alive O’Neill or dead O’Neill. What are you like in an alternate reality? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I think the most obvious alternate reality version of me would be one where I’m not autistic. It’s something I’ve wondered about a lot, what my life would be like. In the almost ten years since I was diagnosed, I haven’t often wished not to be autistic but over the last few years – in the worst depressive episode of my life – I have had periods of hating it and of ruminating over what it would be like to have been neurotypical. I can’t help thinking that life would’ve been easier, even though I know I would’ve just had different problems.
15th April:
PROMPT: Back to back alternate reality episodes! Okay, you can change one thing in your past that would change the trajectory of your life today. What would that be? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I’ve already rambled about autistic me vs. allistic me and while it would’ve absolutely changed the trajectory of my life, I don’t really want to go over that again; there are lots of complicated layers of thought and emotion that go into wondering whether or not you’d change being autistic because it would be to change something so fundamental to who you are. So something else I’d change? I’d change my Dad dying in 2008. That was the first big T trauma of my life and I’d do anything to have him back in my life.To have had him present for all of the big and small moments of my life… that would’ve changed everything.
PROMPT: Yesterday, you shared something you would change but this is such a huge topic. What’s something else you’d like to change? A romance, a fling, a relationship, or something else? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I find this quite a hard question because most of the bad things that have happened to me have ultimately lead to good things. But now that I think about it, I’d change coming off my antidepressants to try ADHD medication: that was probably the worse decision of my life because it triggered a massive depressive episode that’s now been going on for almost three years. So I’d undo that. I was so excited for everything ahead of me after graduation and that medication change (and my reaction to it) stole it from me.
PROMPT: We sadly say goodbye (thank goodness temporarily) to Daniel in this iconic episode. It’s full of grief, loss, and we reflect on the question of why do we wait to tell people about how we really feel. Let’s learn from that lesson. Send a text, drop a note, or give a call to someone you care about. Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I always had a sense of this, even as a child. But I think it really burrowed under my skin after my Dad died when I was thirteen. And for a while, it was a positive, reassuring thing but now it’s a constant anxiety, that something will happen if I don’t tell someone I love them when we part ways. It’s a miserable, stressful way to exist.
PROMPT: Sam and her father, Jacob, come up with a plan to blow up a sun. There are incredibly high stakes, high pressure, and the stress that comes with that. When there are great expectations placed on your shoulders, how do you deal with the stress? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I’d like to say I’m good under pressure – and under certain sorts of pressure, I do handle myself pretty well – but, in general, high stress is not good for me. I mean, I’ve been in this depressive episode for a really long time so I’m not sure, if that were to change, things would be different. I’d like to think so. I’d like to think I’m not, in general, a complete mess.
PROMPT: Teal’c is brainwashed and may never be the same again. How do you deal with poisoned friendships? How much time, support, and grace do you give to someone you’re so close to? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I’m not sure I’d ever describe any of my friendships as having been ‘poisoned,’ but I have had other, less easy to label relationships that have suddenly turned very toxic. They – there were two obvious ones – happened a decade apart and, the first time, I was so hurt that it took me a long time to recover; there was no forgiveness involved. But the second time, I gave the other person several opportunities to explain themselves and they never could; they actually only made things worse. After that, there was no fixing the relationship so I walked away and there’s been no contact since. I think there are some things that are just unforgivable, although I don’t think that necessarily means you have to go on being weighed down by them.
PROMPT: Jack is being tortured and killed over and over again by Ba’al. His old friend, Daniel, appears to provide comfort and guidance. In times of extreme stress, who do you turn to, manifest, or imagine to provide words of comfort and guidance to help. Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I relate to Jack a lot in this episode. My mental health has been so bad over the last couple of years that getting up each day often feels impossible. I had my therapist but after she traumatised me at the beginning of the year, I walked away. So now I don’t really have anyone to talk to, not that l’ve ever heard any advice that’s actually helped. Not with things being as bad as they are. Everything sounds clichéd or cringy and just doesn’t get remotely close to what I feel. I get Jack’s frustration with Daniel, that he could actually help but wouldn’t.
PROMPT: SG-1 need to violate orders to save Earth from the slaughtering at the hands of Apophis. Have you ever done something against someone’s wishes because you knew it was for the best? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I don’t think I’ve ever had to, fortunately, but I do know what it’s like to feel compelled to do what you know is the right thing, to feel like the right thing is so obvious but no one else seems to see it or seems willing to prioritise it.
PROMPT: “Wait a minute, you’re actually saying you need someone dumber than you are?” Thinking laterally and creatively… how do you develop your skills in thinking outside the box? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I think a huge part of my ‘creative’ problem solving is my autistic brain. Quite often, I see things differently to others and have to work backwards to figure out why they see it the way they do. Usually I’ve made some huge leaps that are weird to them so I’ve had a lot of strange looks when I suggest things, just because my explanation didn’t include things that I’d thought were obvious. Bringing these different plans together often results in a decent solution that suits everyone.
17th April:
PROMPT: After having just lost Daniel in the previous episode, the season finale ends with Sam, Teal’c, and Jack grabbing a bite to eat. As they are about to leave, they feel a small breeze, presumably an ascended Daniel. How do you move on after losing a dear friend? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
This is a really big question, one that I could write a whole blog post about. I don’t think that losing someone you love is something you never really get over; it just becomes a part of you, a part that you end up not really knowing how to live with it. For me, it’s important to keep something about them – music they liked, their favourite book, a piece of their jewellery – close. It’s a reminder of them, a personal memorial.
PROMPT: Do you ever feel like you’re cursed? There’s no logic anyone can say, no reasoning anyone can give you to break you from your spell. What ‘curses’ do you carry? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
When my anxiety really starts to get the best of me, I do feel cursed – even though I know that there’s no such thing. I just feel like the universe is telling me that I’m not allowed to be happy, that no good thing can happen without a bad thing coming right on its heels.
PROMPT: Evil Daniel Jackson… How do you help a friend who is struggling, has turned toxic, or all of a sudden changed into somebody completely different? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I think there’s only so much you can do. If a friend doesn’t recognise the change or doesn’t believe that the relationship has become toxic, you’re only going to go round and round in circles. That’s been my experience, at least. Having said that, I do struggle to let people go and I grieve the loss of what was really hard. I give everything to my friendships, sometimes to my detriment, especially when they’re struggling but if they don’t want help or won’t accept help, all you can do is be there until they’re ready.
PROMPT: SG-1 continues on their search for the Sangraal, a perilous quest. What’s a trial that you’ve gone through that was so incredibly hard? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
Trying to get support for my mental health, my physical health, and my difficulties as an autistic person is an ongoing trial. I’ve found so few medical professionals who are even willing to help and then they’re generally only available for a limited time, despite many of my health problems being long term, chronic conditions. Most recently I’ve been trying to get help for my depression and I’ve had to repeatedly turn myself inside out and share my worst, most painful feelings only to have them turn me away. How is it that trying to get help is only causing more damage? Ten years in, I have so much medical trauma that I can barely walk into a medical or therapeutic situation without having a meltdown or a panic attack. And it’s not going to change anytime soon with the government and the NHS the way they are.
PROMPT: Let’s discuss self worth. How have you avoided feelings of inferiority? How do you deal with know-it-alls? How much does it get to you and how do you overcome it? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I’m definitely not an expert on this topic. I do not have good self-worth and I don’t really know how to change that. I can’t really imagine myself any different than the way I am currently, can’t really imagine myself with high self esteem.
PROMPT: SG-1 betray Fifth and puts the Replicators into a time dilation bubble. How do you deal with guilt? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I’m terrible with guilt; I find it just takes over and it’s all I can think about. I obsess over it and how I can make it better until I’ve made it better. It’s not particularly healthy, I know, because you can’t always fix things but I’m working on it (although I have bigger things to work on at this moment in time).
2nd May:
PROMPT: Daniel goes through the Quantum Mirror into a world similar, but different. If you were transported to another dimension, what’s one thing in your life now, you hope would stay the same? What’s one thing you wish would be different? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I’d want my family to be the same: I wouldn’t give them up for anything. As for what I’d hope would change, I think I’d wish for more support in making music. I’m assuming that these changes are only in my life because then my answers would be very different: there are so many changes I’d make globally and nationally. The world is a disaster zone right now (and has been for too long).
PROMPT: For Apophis and Klorel, things don’t go to plan and they must reluctantly retreat. When do you know it’s a time to retreat? How do you know if it’s a good time to quit something? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I think knowing when to quit is a very personal thing but, for me, I know it’s time to walk away from something when it’s no longer serving me, when it’s draining more from me than it’s refilling. That’s the only way I can describe it. There are also occasions when my autistic brain just gets too overwhelmed and I have to remove some of the demands on me in order for me to just keep functioning. I often don’t feel good about doing it but I am learning to accept it, to a certain degree at least.
PROMPT: Jack can’t forgive Cromwell for leaving him behind, even though Cromwell’s decision meant being able to save the team. Jack’s inability to forgive destroyed their friendship. How do you forgive a friend who you feel left you behind? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I experienced this a lot when I was younger, friends abandoning me for other friends without a word. But I don’t know if any of us are particularly good at friendships when we’re young. I think that, as I grew up and got better at navigating relationships, I could recognise when a friendship wasn’t serving each of us anymore and I think that that makes it easier to walk away and to walk away on good terms.
I haven’t ever had a friend hurt me as badly as Cromwell hurt Jack so I don’t think my experiences are really comparable. But having said that, I don’t really believe in forgiveness. I mean, I think it’s possible but I don’t believe it’s necessary to move on. You don’t owe them anything after something like that and if you’re fine the way you are and don’t need to forgive them to move forward, then you can move on on you’re own. There are people in my life who I don’t think deserve forgiveness and I don’t personally need to forgive them to leave them behind. I don’t think it’s a requirement, at least not for everyone.
PROMPT: This episode deals with infertility. For people going through fertility challenges, it can feel like an incredibly lonely journey. One might feel shame, guilt, and feelings of grief. As part of #StargateMentalHealth, we want people to know they aren’t alone. If you’re able to, please share your story.
This isn’t something I can relate to personally but I do feel so many powerful emotions for anyone going through any difficult experience involving growing their family. I can only imagine how devastating it is and how isolating it must feel, even among the people supporting you. I’m sending all my love to anyone reading this who is struggling with any of the experiences related to this topic.
PROMPT: It’s time for a holiday! Jack asks Sam to go to the cabin but Sam kindly declines, preferring to analyse the decay of Naquadah but you know what they say: when you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life. What kind of work would that be for you? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I love doing music and I would never want to change that but I do often wish that it could be a little bit easier, that it could be not quite such an uphill battle. It can be lonely and expensive and scary as an independent artist. If I had some people supporting me and some money going into the projects that wasn’t just mine, I think that I would feel a lot more confident and lot less stressed, at least from a logistical standpoint. Feeling alone in such a huge, terrifying, often toxic industry is really hard.
PROMPT: Ascending is not the final destination but the first step on a new journey and it’s a great metaphor for life. Every time you level up, you’re a novice again and on a new path to discovery. What new journey do you want to start? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I’m in the middle of a lot of journeys now so I can honestly say that if I added another one, my head might explode. The next journey in sight is my next music project, once I’m into the flow of releasing the project that I’m currently finishing, and I’m really excited for that because I’ve been working on the current one for so long. So that will be fun. But I need to wrap up some things first because otherwise I really will grind to a halt (and curl up in a ball).
3rd May:
PROMPT: Road trip with friends! Was there a holiday, vacation, or road trip you took with friends that helped with your mental health? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
As an autistic person, I find holidays and trips very stressful, even when I’m doing something that I enjoy; it’s not necessarily an either/or situation. I had an amazing time in New Zealand when I was fifteen: there was just something about all of the places I visited that had me feeling really at home. I also love my trips to Nashville; there’s a lot during those trips that really feed my soul, even though I find so much about them so stressful. Possibly the best place for mental health is a little town I’ve been to multiple times with my family in Norfolk: it’s quiet and disconnected and just really grounding. Everything about it just seems to create more space in my brain and in my body, which I’m in constant need of (especially at the moment, although we haven’t been for a while).
5th May:
PROMPT: In the final episode of SG-1, the crew are stuck on the Odyssey, finding new ways to pass the time. In some ways, many of us experienced something similar during lockdown in the pandemic. What were new hobbies you learned to pass the time? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I was completing my Masters during the pandemic lockdowns (we had three to various degrees in the UK) so I didn’t really have time to pick up new hobbies; I was busy researching and writing music. I did really get into the subject of intra and intertextuality in songwriting and presented a paper about how these techniques appear in Taylor Swift’s songwriting. That ended up leading me down a very unexpected road!
6th May:
PROMPT: With the Ori threat increasing, SG-1 decide to seek help and visit Atlantis. This is a good opportunity about knowing when to ask for help. Do you have difficulty asking for help? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I don’t have difficulty asking for help, per se: I’ve had a lot of practice as a disabled, autistic person with multiple mental and physical health conditions because I need help a lot. But it does cause me a lot of anxiety. I worry that I ask for help too often, that people will get sick of of me, that they’ll eventually start to see me as a burden and walk away. I’ve had multiple people reassure me that that won’t happen but I find it really difficult to believe: people are unpredictable but my disabilities are constant.
7th May:
PROMPT: In The Fifth Race, we learn about humanity’s great potential. Set aside your place in the vast universe, even the world is such a big place. What is your perspective in how you fit into the world? What is your responsibility to the wider community? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I don’t know what my place in the world is; I often feel like I’m only here as a reminder of what no one wants to be, as an example of a broken person. It’s not particularly rational or healthy but it is how I feel sometimes. More reasonably, I feel like it’s my responsibility to leave a place better than I found it, in whatever way I can, even if it’s only in the smallest of ways. Again, I think about the Amanda Tapping quote I referenced earlier: “The best thing you can do is to make your corner of the world as good as possible.” I’d like to think that I can help to make things better for autistic people, for people with mental health issues, but I don’t always feel confident about that. With the way the world is at the moment, it’s hard not to feel helpless, like nothing you do could ever possibly make a difference.
8th May:
PROMPT: An incredibly fun episode with an important lesson on grief and moving on. What’s something in your life that was incredibly hard but you were able to find peace and move on from? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
I’ve talked about this sort of thing already so I want to look at it from a different perspective, from a different kind of grief. I have a lot of trauma from therapy, from therapists traumatising me. Earlier this year, my therapist traumatised me deeply during a session and then refused to apologise and gaslit me when I tried to get answers from her – I wrote about it in more depth in this post. It was a very difficult and distressing experience and it took me a while to get my feet under me. But I dealt with it in real time, rather than letting it ruminate for months, which I wouldn’t have been able to do before even if I had had the opportunity. I talked it through with a lot of people; I wrote about it a lot, which helped to me understand and express my emotions; and I didn’t repress my feelings about it. I haven’t felt able to do any of that in the past but I learned a lot from coping with such an experience this way and I think the biggest thing was learning to deal with every emotion as it hit me. I know that that’s not always possible because of what life is throwing you but I think it’s so much better for you than holding it in your body.
9th May:
PROMPT: Lost City is the introduction to the beloved character, Elizabeth Weir, who is thrust into an impossible position and yet, she demonstrates poise, integrity, and intelligence. What are some of the leadership qualities from Elizabeth Weir that you would like to take for yourself? Or add another theme you’d like to discuss.
The thing I really respected about Weir is that, despite everyone around her trying to push her one way or the other – even trying to manipulate or straight up blackmail her into what they wanted *cough*Kinsey*cough* – she stood her ground: she gathered all of the information she needed, spoke to all of the people she needed to speak to, and then made an informed decision on what she felt was best, even though – by her own admission – she was completely out of her depth. That steadfastness amidst chaos was really quite something.
10th May:
PROMPT: This is the final episode in our 60 For 60 Watchalong Challenge for mental health. What are some of your highlights over the last two months?
Wow, this is a hard question. My mental health has been extremely bad for a couple of years now: I’ve been in the worst episode of depression that I’ve ever experienced and I’m dealing with constant suicidal thoughts. It’s been really difficult and really painful. But there have been good moments and I’m so grateful for them: I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time snuggled up with my gorgeous puppy; I worked on my upcoming EP, which I’m so excited about; I went to Nashville and, although it was incredibly stressful, I got to celebrate one my good friend’s album release and release show with them; I got to give my puppy her first pup cup; I got to experience the release of Taylor Swift’s new album, The Tortured Poets Department, and discover that it was actually a double album with over thirty songs; I went to visit Autism Dogs and played with some of their dogs in training; I got my first tattoo, which is a tribute to my Dad; I played a fun little show and got some really nice comments on my songs; I saw my old therapist again and it felt so good to be believed and understood; and I’ve been looking forward to meeting Amanda again at Basingstoke Comic Con. Living is really hard right now but watching this show, counting down to the Kickstarter and seeing Amanda… They’ve helped me to keep going and that means a lot.
I love Stargate SG-1 and it’s been so lovely to be immersed in this world again, especially when real life has been so, so hard. It’s been a real balm on my mental health, even if I haven’t been posting about it on social media much (social media is absolutely not a balm for my mental health).
Having said that, I’m somewhat horrified that certain episodes didn’t make IMDB’s top 60 list, which is where this set of episodes came from: Not Death Knell? Not Divide and Conquer? Not Grace or The Scourge or Collateral Damage? Not The Other Side or Line in the Sand, Morpheus or The Changeling? How could these episodes not make the list of best episodes when they’re so, so good?! I also kind of hated watching the episodes out of order; I found it really hard to remember what had happened already, who had met who, which battles had taken place, and so on.
But ultimately, those are just details. I watched the episodes I love alongside the challenge and it’s been so enjoyable. I just fell in love with the characters, the storylines, and the whole universe(s) again… And I just feel so lucky to have Stargate SG-1, Amanda Tapping, and The Companion in my life. I’m so excited to go to Basingstoke Comic Con this weekend and see so many of these awesome people and I can’t wait to see what this book looks like. Check out the Kickstarter now!
And with that, I leave you with this: my favourite Stargate SG-1 fan video of all time…
Category: about me, anxiety, autism, death, depression, diagnosis, emotions, family, favourites, heds, life lessons, medication, meltdowns, mental health, music, quotes, response, special interests, video Tagged: 60 for 60 watchalong, amanda tapping, challenge, embracing mental health as a fandom, fandom, jack o'neill, mental health, sam carter, samantha carter, stargate, stargate sg-1, stargate sg1, the companion
Posted on January 1, 2024
TW: Discussion of depression, self harm, and suicidal thoughts and ideation.
Much like last year, I have no idea how to sum up this year. I don’t think I have it in me to write a long post that involves such intense emotions and I think that, if I wait until I do, we might all be waiting a very long time so I’m just going to write until I can’t anymore and that’ll be that. It’s just too hard.
While there have been good moments (some of which can be seen in the collage below), it’s been a fucking painful year and it’s now the third New Year’s Eve that I’ve spent crippled by depression, suicidal thoughts, and overwhelming fear and dread around the future. I’m pretty sure I’m in full autistic burnout and I feel like I’m living in a fog. Last year, I think I described my depression as a drought but, this year, I think the better metaphor is drowning: I feel like I’m drowning in this depression and I have so little energy left that staying afloat is feeling more and more impossible. I’m so tired. I’m tired of trying so hard, of feeling like I’m not trying hard enough; I’m tired of feeling this way, of feeling like things will never get better, like there’s no point in even trying to feel better because there’s nothing worth feeling better for. It just feels like there’s so much bad in the world, so much agony, that it isn’t a world I want to live in. I feel broken; I feel like a prime example of a defective human being. There have been good things, like I said, but it seems like they can never just be good things: there’s always so much bad or hard twisted up in them that enjoying them isn’t as straightforward as it sounds. I miss feeling safe. I miss feeling safe to feel things.
A big, hard part of this year has been that I started taking Phenelzine again, for the third time. I didn’t want to and I felt coerced by the circumstances to take it. I was so angry about it all that I made potentially my most dramatic, self destructive move so far: I cut my face and then, when it got infected, I was so reluctant to treat it that I’ve ended up with a fairly visible scar. The most confusing part of it was that, even though I didn’t want anyone to bring it up, I was surprised that no one did; it seemed like the kind of thing that would trigger some alarm. Just as I imagined voicing consistent suicidal would but no one’s really commented on that either. It only makes the experience more isolating and lonely. But back to the Phenelzine: while it helped me get out of bed and go out now and then, it hasn’t had the same impact that it’s previously had on my mood, even on the higher dose. And that means that I’ve officially run out of medication options. I’ve been going to therapy consistently, for the most part, but I feel like it’s getting harder and harder; there have been sessions where I’ve left feeling traumatised. We’ll be trying something different in the new year but I’m struggling to feel hopeful, but that’s not specific to just therapy.
I look at the collage I made for this year and although I remember each of these moments, I feel disconnected from them; the emotions feel dulled. A lot has happened, somewhat to my surprise…
I went to multiple small shows; I went to hydrotherapy religiously and started physiotherapy; I got adopted by a puppy and then had my heart broken when she was taken away; I went to Nashville for Tin Pan South; my application for an Autism Service Dog was successful; I released my single, ‘House on Fire,’ as well as creating all of the visuals for it; I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia; I went to art exhibitions (and even helped to build my favourite art piece, Breathing Room); I hung out with friends, online and in real life; I travelled to Germany for the wedding of one of my best friends and was reunited with multiple friends that I hadn’t seen in years; I got to hang out with some of my American friends when they performed here; I fought for Taylor Swift tickets; I had my heart broken again when the rescue puppy we applied for was homed with someone else; I went to some amazing concerts; I met Amanda Tapping again and she’s still one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever known; I started performing again; I read books and watched movies and TV shows that are now among my favourites; I adopted a puppy (which still doesn’t sound real to me); I swam 5km for Mind, raising over £600; I went to multiple Maisie Peters shows and got to meet her too; one of my cats got very sick and we had to nurse her back to health; my aunt died; I changed heart medications; and I worked on lots of different musical and academic work. I know all of these things happened; I remember them clearly but it’s like watching them play on a screen. I know these memories are mine but they don’t feel like mine. It’s weird and sad.
I’m so tired. I’m tired of masking but I don’t know how to stop. I feel broken – physically, mentally, and emotionally – but as hard as I try, it never feels like enough. Over ten years later, it should be getting better not worse, right?
I don’t know what else to say. Life feels increasingly scary, internally and externally, and I just feel too broken to manage. I don’t know how people walk around without all of the fear and grief and anxiety that I do, that I see as such an intrinsic part of being human. As I wrote last year, “I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I don’t know what I want it to. I didn’t want this year. I didn’t expect to still be here and I’m not happy or pleased or grateful for that. I feel pathetic and stupid and cowardly; I feel broken beyond repair. I feel frozen, overwhelmed by all of these big feelings. If feelings could kill you, I think these would have.“
Category: animals, anxiety, autism, chronic fatigue, chronic pain, death, depression, diagnosis, emotions, event, family, favourites, heds, hydrotherapy, medication, mental health, pots, self harm, suicide, therapy, treatment Tagged: 2023, actuallyautistic, amanda tapping, antidepressants, asd, autism, autism spectrum disorder, autistic, autistic burnout, autistic singersongwriter, charity, dbt, depression, dialectical behaviour therapy, ehlers danlos syndrome, family, fibromyalgia, heds, hydrotherapy, hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome, maisie peters, maois, medication, mental health, mental illness, monoamine oxidase inhibitors, new year, new years eve, phenelzine, physiotherapy, radically open dialectical behaviour therapy, rodbt, self esteem, self harm, self injury, self loathing, singersongwriter, songwriter, suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts, taylor swift, therapy, treatment resistant depression, trigger, trigger warning, year in review
Posted on December 25, 2023
TW: Mentions of depression and suicidal thoughts.
This has been a fucking hard year and there were multiple moments when I wasn’t sure I’d make it to this point; I’m not convinced I’m glad that I have. My anxiety and depression and chronic suicidal thoughts have been doing their best to swallow me whole; several people have suggested that I’m in autistic burnout and I wouldn’t be surprised but I don’t know how to be sure of that with the depression and CPTSD in play. I’m just putting one foot in front of the other, even when I’m not really sure why.
It’s somewhat confusing to still recognise the good things and be grateful for them in amongst all of that. While I never thought depression and suicidal ideation were simple, I never would’ve imagined that they could be this confusing and conflicted. But that’s a train of thought and discussion for another time. For now, these are some of the things I’ve felt grateful for this year…
Mum – I don’t know what else I can say about my Mum that I haven’t already said in my previous Grateful posts (2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022) but, holy shit, am I grateful for her. Something I’ve thought a lot about over the course of the year is how she always seems to take things in stride. I know it’s not that simple: she’s human and so, of course, she has feelings about everything that happens but the way she handles things with such openness and grace blows me away.
Family and friends – Despite how hard this year has been and how desperately I’ve wanted to just hide away, I’ve managed to spend a surprising amount of time with my family and friends: over Zoom, at music events, at each others homes, even abroad. I honestly don’t know how I got so lucky to find and keep the friends I have but I am so deeply, deeply grateful. I look back at all of the bad things that have happened to me and I find that can’t hate them completely because, if they hadn’t, I wouldn’t have met and become friends with the people I have.
The cats – My gorgeous pride of cats. I love them all so dearly. We’ve had some health scares this year, which have been very scary but, fortunately, everyone has recovered and we’re celebrating Christmas as a healthy family. Izzy has thrown a spanner in the works to a certain degree and the peace of the house has been disturbed dramatically; we’re still finding a new normal and all of these new relationships are still evolving. On the whole, the cats are still avoiding Izzy because she gets so overexcited; she just wants to play but often, that either scares them or they don’t understand and so they take a swipe at her. It’s slow going and although progress is being made, I miss the cats being around and struggle with the frustration of just wanting everything to be okay and peaceful right now. I love them and I don’t like not seeing them as much.
My time and friends in Nashville – My trip to Nashville this year was a serious emotional rollercoaster. There was a school shooting in the city on the first full day we were there; I saw some of the most amazing Tin Pan South shows I’ve ever seen; I became a Madeline Edwards fan; I saw some of my lovely friends; I hung out with new friends; we weathered the edge of a tornado (and had a little party in the motel room we were sheltering in; I got to go to Song Suffragettes’ 9th anniversary show and catch up with the lovely Natalie Hemby; I struggled with some serious chronic pain… It was a lot to take in, a lot to process. It was a really tough trip but the good moments were really good and I am grateful for those.
My therapist (and the dogs that joined our sessions) – It’s been just over a year since I started seeing my new therapist and, if I’m honest, I’m still getting used to her and all the little differences. I saw my previous therapist for eight years and the loss of her from my life was a trauma so it’s not surprising to me that it’s been a really difficult adjustment; I still miss her and our sessions. My new therapist is good and I really like her and we’ve had some really productive sessions but it’s been a very different scenario: my mental health has never been so bad, the worst stuff so close to the surface. That makes therapy really fucking hard. It makes me feel triggered; it makes me feel like a frayed nerve; it makes me feel like I can’t breathe. It’s exhausting. But I know that nothing will change if I don’t go. Part of my experience of depression means that I don’t always want things to change but, as I said earlier, it’s such a confusing, messy, complicated well of feelings that it’s hard to articulate and this certainly isn’t the post to get into it, but it does provide some context as to why therapy is so hard. I can’t seem to clearly explain why I’m grateful for therapy and for my therapist, not with my headspace being the way it is right now, bit I know that I am. Sometimes I think that has to be enough.
The puppies – Over the summer, I got to spend a solid amount of time with a litter of four Pomchi puppies and it was glorious. One of them in particular, the only girl who was nicknamed ‘Skye,’ took to me straight away: it was like she saw me and went, “You. You’re my person.” It was adorable and I loved every second that I got to spend with her. I hadn’t thought I was ready to bond with another dog but Skye showed me that I was (and honestly, the name ‘Skye’ just felt like a sign – one of my biggest special interest characters, Daisy Johnson, having chosen that name for herself before she discovered who she was, who she was supposed to be) and it was such a joy. And then my heart was broken when I wasn’t able to keep her. I was devastated and the pain of it really shook me. I worried about her endlessly and although that has faded over time, it still hits me now and then; I hope she’s safe and happy and loved. And even though it ended in utter heartbreak and a lot of bad feeling, I wouldn’t take it back; it was a really special experience and showed me that I was ready to have a dog in my life again and ultimately lead to Izzy.
Writing songs again – Songwriting has been a difficult for a while now, as it usually is when my depression gets bad (and it’s been the worst it’s ever been). It feels like my creative brain goes into hibernation. Since I started taking Phenelzine again in March, things have gotten better in that regard. I’ve been writing again but it doesn’t feel as fast or as easy as it used to; like it takes actual physical effort to make my brain work when it used to come really easily. So it’s definitely not perfect but I’ve written some songs I’m really proud of and I’m grateful for that.
Getting to reunite with my friends from university – In the Spring, I went to Germany for the wedding of two of my friends and although there lots of stressful aspects to the week away, there were some truly joyful moments too and one of them was seeing some of my wonderful friends. Because we’re scattered around the world, we don’t often get to see each other and we rarely get to see each other altogether and, with COVID of course, it’s been an even longer time than planned so that was really special. It was really emotional too, more so than I’d expected, but then it was a very emotional week.
There’s five of us buried in this huddle.
Acceptance into the Service Dog program – A few years ago, we applied for the Autism service dog program but they didn’t have space for me. This year we applied again and I’ve been accepted! The process from being accepted to actually getting a dog is a long one but that’s okay: it gives me time to get used to it and to learn everything I need to know, with the assurance that support is coming. I’ve met quite a few people who are part of the organisation and they’ve all been so lovely and supportive and warm so I feel like I’m in good hands. I have my anxieties about it – it’s a big responsibility to take on a dog, particularly a specially trained one, and I’m aware that, by having one, I’m representing the organisation and, to a certain degree, disability and neurodivergence – but I think it would naïve and irresponsible not to. So I’m doing my best to prepare and to get into a healthy, balanced headspace about it.
Breathing Room – After years of loving the work known as ‘Breathing Room’ by Anna Berry, I finally got to see it. First in London and then in Croydon. Finally seeing it in real life was magical; it was utterly breathtaking. During each visit, I spent ages just sitting inside it, watching the cones flutter and listening to the gentle creak of the machinery. It was so calming; I could’ve sat there forever. And it had my mind spinning with new ideas for songs, both specifically about the piece and for other songs. I loved that. Both times, I had to all but be dragged out.
The London experience was also incredibly special because I got to help construct it before it opened to the public. It was a viciously hot, airless day (which resulted in a very stupid-looking sunburn, which unfortunately didn’t fade for months) and even with the gloves, I got some pretty nasty splinters that had my fingers stinging for days but I loved every second of it. I loved the repetitive movement, the soothing count, the intense concentration that had the rest of the world fading to nothing. I’d been in excruciating pain and I did struggle with my back during the session but I would’ve happily kept going; I only left because I had a prior commitment. I loved it and it was a really special thing to get to do. I also, by some magical serendipity, got to meet Anna herself and talk with her briefly about my love for the project and the idea of writing a song about it. She was really lovely and it was a very cool cherry on top to the day.
Discovering Maisie Peters – I’ve listened to Maisie a little, on and off, over the years but I think I just felt like I never quite had the brain space to really get into her music. But then I heard ‘Lost The Breakup’ and I was completely hooked. I played it on repeat until The Good Witch came out and then I was just obsessed; I didn’t listen to anything else for weeks and even when I did start listening to other stuff, I still often returned to it. I can’t quite explain what was so magical about it or why it resonated with me so strongly but it really did and I’m still completely obsessed with Maisie’s songwriting; I could talk about it for hours. I’d love to write with her. I also got to see her twice on tour and they were both really special shows: I saw her in Bristol on Halloween at the smallest venue of the tour and I saw her headline at Wembley, the biggest venue of the tour and a real milestone, at the end of the UK leg. She’s a fantastic performer and I absolutely loved the shows. I was also lucky enough to go to the VIP pre-show acoustic sessions and those were really, really special. I have a Week In My Life post half done about that week that I hope to get up soon where I talk more about that so I’ll come back and link it here – it was an exhausting week that took a long time to recover from but it was absolutely, 100% worth it. I saw her perform at the Communion Xmas Party too and got to talk to her briefly afterwards too, which was really lovely (her keys player, Tina, too). It was definitely my Maisie Peters season and long may it continue; I’m so glad to have her music in my life.
Listening to The Good Witch, making bracelets for the tour, dressing Izzy up as the song, ‘BSC,’ Maisie’s acoustic set in Bristol, the Halloween stop of The Good Witch Tour, the acoustic set at Wembley Arena, Maisie’s sold out show at Wembley Arena, Maisie performing at the Communion Xmas Party in London, and meeting her after she performed.
Getting a TENS machine – Given how bad my chronic pain has been this year, getting a TENS machine was a revelation. It has been so helpful and I’m so very grateful to have a way to reduce my pain when it’s really bad. I don’t know how I didn’t come across it sooner but I’m so thankful for the recommendation from my GP (who is an actual miracle worker).
Meeting Amanda Tapping at LFCC 2023 – Amanda Tapping is one of my favourite people in the world and has been since I was about fourteen. She’s played some incredible roles that have inspired me deeply and she is a truly wonderful human being. I met her several years ago and although I was almost paralysed by anxiety, she was so kind and open and it was a really special experience. This year she started doing livestreams with The Companion and it was so, so nice to see her again, regardless of the fact that she couldn’t see me. The livestream was great and I looked forward to the promised future ones. Then, in the summer, I went to my first Comic Con and got to meet her again in person. We had such a lovely conversation – as did she and my Mum, who was with me as my disability support person – and it’s a memory that I will always hold close and keep safe; it was a very special experience. And then, my third Amanda Tapping moment of the year was the second livestream, which was great on its own, but I also had a ‘backstage’ ticket and I was able to talk to her briefly afterwards. She’s so open to big, honest, vulnerable conversations and it feels like she really sees you and hears you when you talk and that’s such a powerful feeling; I remember thinking about that after I met her the first time and it was exactly the same this time. She, and the characters she’s played, have been a constant source of inspiration and strength for me and stumbling across her all those years ago was such a fluke but, my god, I’m so grateful I did.
Getting The ERAS Tour Tickets – Even though, it was incredibly, sickeningly stressful (and caused a fair amount of ableism-based trauma), I am very grateful to have gotten tickets to The Eras Tour in the summer – and not only one but multiple times, since several friends and groups of friends wanted to go and wanted to go with me. That felt very special and I’m both grateful that we were able to get the tickets and that I have been able to afford it, having been saving since The reputation Tour ended. I have a very complicated relationship with the future and with looking ahead but it was a huge relief to know that I wouldn’t have to watch the every show happening without being there even once. So I’m grateful for that. And, as always, I’m just grateful for Taylor herself: for her music, for being a person I can look up to, and for the inspiration and opportunities she has given me.
The Disability-Focussed Writing Workshop run by Sick Stories – I discovered this online workshop on Eventbrite and from the first one I attended, I had an absolute blast. Sophie, the host, is absolutely lovely and the prompts always led me down interesting rabbit roles. The first prompt Sophie suggested resulted in an idea for a novel that I would love to write at some point, my love of writing fiction returning that immediately. The fact that it was disability-focussed, along with Sophie’s excellent hosting, made it feel like a really safe and fun place to explore and share ideas that might’ve otherwise felt too personal and vulnerable, leaving all of the amazing pieces of writing I heard unwritten. I love a lot of the stuff I wrote in those sessions and although I don’t yet have anything to do with them, I hope that I will at some point find a way to share them.
Discovering Juneberry Red Bull – Among my family and friends, my Red Bull consumption is somewhat legendary, despite the fact that it seems to give my no caffeine hit whatsoever (I think I’m still living in denial that one day it will start helping again). But it had kind of waned… until I tried the new summer flavours. The other three didn’t do anything for me but this one has me in a chokehold: I love it so much. I would drink it all day if it wasn’t as unhealthy as Red Bull obviously is. But it’s a nice little treat that I’m very pleased they came up with.
Being able to afford a new laptop when my old one died – My laptop was dying a slow and painful death and, given that I use it for most of my work, that was a very stressful position to be in. But, thanks primarily to disability benefit, I was able to buy a new one and while that was obviously great for work reasons, it’s the first time I’ve had a brand new laptop in a long time so that was very exciting. I love shiny, new gadgets and, since they’re usually very expensive, I don’t get to do the whole “oh my god, a shiny, new gadget!” thing very often.
Nimona – Watching the film, Nimona, was a really emotional moment for me. I loved the story and the world and the animation style and the humour but the character of Nimona really resonated with me. I really related to her and saw a lot of myself in her: her feelings of otherness, her self loathing, her masking – there were so many parallels to being autistic. Seeing that was very moving. And I really, really related to her in her ‘monster’ form. *SPOILERS* The scene below is constantly on my mind and that scream has me in tears every single time: that is what it sounds like in my head, in my soul. That is what it feels like to be me. Being able to point at that and say to someone, “That’s how it feels,” has been so emotional. It’s hard to describe but I’m so, so grateful to have this film. It might mean more to me than any other film, specifically because of this sequence.
Swimming, hydrotherapy, and starting physiotherapy – For most of the year, I’ve kept to a pretty solid schedule with my swimming and hydrotherapy and then, halfway through the year, I met with an amazing physiotherapist and have been pretty consistently working at that too. Having now worked with both a hydrotherapist and physiotherapist who really understand hEDS, I can say with absolute confidence that it is a completely different experience; I’ve worked with good people before but that lack of understanding has always been a major obstacle and I’d find myself burning out and giving up. I’ve always loved to swim but I’ve found that I can really love hydrotherapy and physiotherapy (although I have had some periods of pain so bad that I had to take a break until it faded). We’ve found two really lovely pools to swim in, which makes it even more enjoyable, and I’ve made some real physical improvements. That’s been kind of mind blowing – to actually see that happen. And to the point where I was able to swim 5km for Mind! But more on that in a minute.
Izzy – I still can’t quite believe that I got a puppy this year, that I actually have a puppy now. That’s definitely not something I expected at the beginning of the year; it was probably the last thing I expected. But here we are and I’m madly in love with her. Izzy is a golden Pomchi (half Pomeranian half Chihuahua) and she’s utterly gorgeous: she’s soft and warm and snuggly and amazingly smart. The bond we’re building is already so strong and so special and that means so much to me, even though it’s kicked up some hard stuff. But I want nothing more to love and protect her and she seems to feel the same, guarding me at almost all times and trying to lick away my tears when I’m sad and looking to me when she’s distressed. My relationship with Lucky was incredibly special and always will be but, just as I learned after my first cat was put too sleep and we then got Lucy, I can love another animal and not feeling like the new relationship is replacing the old one. This relationship is new and special in its own ways and I feel lucky and honoured to have a puppy to pour all of that love into.
Getting to fundraise for Mind – Getting to fundraise for Mind felt really, really special, not just because we managed to raise so much more money than I’d expected (over £600 compared to my goal of £200) which was amazing, but because I was finally physically capable of doing it. I swam 5km for Mind, 1km a night over seven nights, partly due to managing my hEDS and partly do the logistics of pool time, but I was really proud of finding a way to make it work. I was exhausted and sore afterwards but it was absolutely worth it. I was so impressed and so touched by the generosity of everyone who donated it and I was so proud of myself for committing to it and competing it. I look forward to doing something similar at some point.
Spending my birthday with horses – My birthdays have been a source of stress for quite a long time now so I’ve taken to either ignoring it completely or trying to find something un-birthday-like but still special to do. And this year, I found myself going on a wellbeing course that centred around horses. I’ve always loved horses so, while the confidence building stuff was hard, it was so nice to spend time with these gorgeous animals again. It was a really cool, interesting way to spend the day.
The excellent books I’ve read this year – I worked really hard to get back into reading this year and I read a lot of really good books. The ones that have most moved and inspired me are Trista Mateer’s poetry, Blythe Baird’s poetry, The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green, and Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin. All of these books had a really profound effect on me and they’ve all become so special, each a little piece of my personal creative and artistic mosaic. I don’t know why I picked them up when I did but I’m so thankful that I did.
A year of Duolingo – It’s hard to believe that I’ve now been learning Dutch for over a year. It’s hard to believe how far I’ve come. But I have and I have. It’s so strange to me: I hated learning languages at school but I’ve loved learning Dutch. There are plenty of obvious reasons for why I hated it at school but they’re not really worth dwelling on at this point but I had no idea when I started learning through Duolingo just how much I would love it, how restful I’d find it, how much fun I’d have. I had no idea that learning a language could be such an enjoyable experience – could be enjoyable at all – after my school experiences and it’s even inspired me to think about other languages. But one thing at a time. I love learning Dutch and I feel no need to change the way I’m currently doing things. I don’t know why I thought to download the app that day but I’m really glad I did and I’m proud of myself for opening it and practicing every day since.
As I’ve repeatedly said, to call my feelings a mess is the understatement of the year. I was re-reading my post from last year and I don’t know if I can describe gratitude amidst depression and suicidal thoughts any better than I did then: “When I feel like this, like I’m drowning in my depression with these near constant suicidal thoughts, things to be grateful for feel like a double edged sword. Sometimes they’re things that make me feel like I can keep hanging on, even if just for a little bit longer, and sometimes they feel like weights tied to my ankles, keeping me here when I desperately don’t want to be and I have to admit I resent them for that. So it’s anything but simple. It’s good and bad and hard and confusing; I can feel differently, ten different times in a day sometimes. But these are the objectively good things in my life and I can recognise that. I wanted to honour them for that.”
Category: about me, animals, anxiety, autism, autism dog, book, chronic pain, depression, emotions, event, exercise, family, favourites, food, heds, hydrotherapy, mental health, music, school, special interests, therapy, treatment, video, writing Tagged: 2023, ableism, accessibility, actually autistic, actuallyautistic, adhd, alternative therapy, amanda tapping, anna berry, anxiety, anxiety disorder, asc, asd, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, audhd, autism, autism service dog, autism spectrum condition, autism spectrum disorder, autistic, autistic artist, autistic burnout, birthday, books, breathing room, cat, cats, charity, charity swim, chronic pain, chronic suicidal thoughts, chronic suicidality, concert, cptsd, depression, disability, disabled, dog, duolingo, dutch, equine facilitated learning, eras tour, family, family of cats, fibromyalgia, friends, friendship, fundraising, gad, generalised anxiety disorder, grateful, gratitude, heds, horses, hydrotherapy, hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome, hypermobility, installation, juneberry, language, laptop, learning, maisie peters, mental health, mental health charity, mental illness, mind, nashville, neurodivergent, new puppy, pain, pet, physiotherapy, pomchi, pomchi puppy, pride of cats, puppy, reading, red bull, service dog, sick stories, singer songwriter, singersongwriter, songwriter, songwriting, suicidal, suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts, suicidal urges, swimming, taylor swift, tens, tens machine, thankful, the good witch, the good witch tour, therapist, therapy, tin pan south, travelling, trigger warning, tw, wedding, writing
Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), ADHD (Inattentive Type), and Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), as well as several mental health issues.
I’m a singer-songwriter (it’s my biggest special interest and I have both a BA and MA in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is on all platforms, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.
My debut EP, Honest, is available on all platforms, with a limited physical run at Resident Music in Brighton.
I’m currently working on an album about my experiences as an autistic woman.