Posted on June 27, 2021
This past month – this module – has been pretty all-consuming, not that I’m surprised as it is the final project of the Masters. This module is called the Major Repertoire Project where we research a particular topic (most commonly one we have a personal passion/connection/investment in) and use the research to write songs on the subject. I’ve been working on an autoethnographic project in the form of an album about my experience as a woman with Autism Spectrum Disorder. It’s a really exciting and fulfilling project to be working on but I won’t deny that it has dug up some hard stuff. And the timeframe does make it more than a bit stressful. But this module is why I wanted to do the Masters and despite the difficulties, it’s definitely been an interesting ride so far.
Other than that, there’s been a lot of other stuff going on, including my health stuff, travelling to London by train again for the first time, and getting my second vaccine!
The week in this post started on Monday 7th June and ended on Sunday 13th June.
I slept late, having swam hard in the pool the night before. I had an early Occupational Therapy appointment so I dragged myself out of bed and had a shower, only just ready in time for the video call. I was still out of breath when the call went through.
The call was somewhat frustrating because the connection wasn’t very good and we had to hang up and call back multiple times. That made it hard to have a real discussion and make any real progress. But we managed to talk about a few things: we talked about the hand exercises I’ve been doing; we talked about the swimming I’ve been doing and how my joints were responding to it; I told her about the ergonomic equipment that was due to arrive later in the week (it came through DSA, which I will talk about at some point because it was a very different experience to my previous DSA experiences); and we talked about the recent awful pain and instability in my right knee. We didn’t come to any conclusion on that and we’re still waiting on the physiotherapy referral; fortunately we live on the same street as a physiotherapist and she was able to give us some general advice. Plus, by the end of the call, we’d had a message from the dentist saying the consultation for my tooth extraction had been booked for Saturday – much quicker than I’d expected. So I was hopeful about that at least.
I ran through the exercises for my hands and then got back to work on my project, various childhood movies from Disney+ playing in the background as I worked. My focus for the day was researching special interests and how they present differently in girls and women. I know a lot about all of this already from my personal research but going through it again is good for both my final presentation and for the creation of the songs in this project. It can get a bit tedious at times, going over a lot of the same material but sometimes I’ll read something I’ve read before and see it with a completely new perspective or I’ll find something new that just gets my wheels turning. And then, suddenly, I’m halfway through a new song.
About mid-afternoon, I was really flagging, hungry and tired. I nearly fell asleep on my desk.
Somehow, I managed not to doze off; I moved around, got some food, and got back to work. I tidied up the research I’d done and then updated the journal we keep throughout the project: record what we do, what we learn, we critically analyse what we learn, write songs using the knowledge or inspiration we find, reflect on that process, etc. I was a few days behind in updating it but I’d mainly been working on the song ideas I’d slowly started pulling together the week before. These songs seem to be taking longer to write than usual; I think I’m just spending a lot of time turning over the core idea and making sure the weight of the song is in the right place – if that makes sense – before I start working out the exact narrative and arranging all of my lyrics ideas.
After several more hours of work, I called it a day on the work. I had a FaceTime call with one of my friends from uni and we caught up about our projects, about plans to actually hang out in person (although it would probably have to be a work-date with everything we have to do for our projects), and the Friends Reunion – we were even quoting in unison from the show by the end of the call. We probably looked and sounded ridiculous but we had a good laugh, something I think was good for both of us.
I spent the last few hours of the day working on the lyrics of a new song. I don’t often write love songs so that was a new experience for me, something that was really fun. It was actually really cathartic in a strange way, to write a song about a realistic, meaningful relationship, one that has ups and downs but that ultimately works because of the mutual commitment. It felt really good and I was really enjoying the process of writing it.
I went to bed at a reasonable time but then I accidentally stayed up reading until almost two am. That’s happening far too often at the moment. It’s not kind on my sleep schedule.
After the late night, I struggled up around eleven. I had a shower, an excellent breakfast of poffertjes and strawberries, and finished Avengers: Age of Ultron, which I’d started the night before. Oh, and I did my physio exercises.
I spent several hours doing background research – the foundational research, I guess. I know all of this stuff inside out but I need to be able to present it as part of my project; chances are the people assessing me won’t know even the basics about Autism, let alone that it presents differently in women and girls. So that wasn’t the most interesting research for this project but it was important to do so I did it.
That done, I worked on the song I’d been writing the day before. The rest of it came together pretty easily and I’m really happy with it. As I said, I don’t often write love songs so it was pretty exciting to feel like I’d done a good job when it’s not something I have much experience with. I particularly like how visual it is: the lyrics conjure different pictures and situations as well as the emotional weight of the relationship being described. Yeah… I’m really proud of it.
Early afternoon, I had an online meeting with my supervisor and module leader about my project – we get a set amount of time with our supervisors (specifically chosen based on the projects we proposed) over the course of the module and they provide advice, insight, etc. We had a good discussion and I got a lot of my questions answered – they’d been accumulating as I got further and further into my research and writing. So it was really helpful but by the time we wrapped up, I was tired and more than a bit overwhelmed.
I had a little break to check in with my social media. I’ve actually been using it a lot less recently; the potential for something to trigger my anxiety is just so high that I’ve been staying away from it for the most part. I don’t want anything to disrupt this project so I guess I’m just being extra careful right now.
I did some more research and then spent several hours trying to tidy up my laptop, deleting files and closing tabs and windows that I didn’t need anymore. I’m kind of terrible about leaving things open, just in case I need them again, but my computer was starting to sound very stressed out so I figured that I really needed to do something about it before my computer exploded… That took a somewhat ridiculous amount of time but the fan was significantly quieter when I was done.
I spent the evening watching What Happened To Monday (I love Noomi Rapace in this film – she plays each of the different septuplets so incredibly), updated my project journal, and had dinner. I actually managed to get to bed at a reasonable time but then I accidentally stressed myself when I let my brain wander down the wrong avenue. I needed my Mum to talk me down off the ledge but even then it was hard to get to sleep because it was so hot.
I was so deeply asleep that Mum had to wake me up; my alarm was going off but I was sleeping right through it. Waking up felt a bit like swimming up through treacle. Not the most enjoyable way to start the day.
After a shower and some breakfast, I worked on the chords for one of the songs I’ve been thinking about but not for long as I really needed to focus on preparing for my cowrite the next day which involved working on a different idea. So I got the idea down and went back to my laptop.
With the film, Close, on in the background (another great Noomi Rapace film), I ran through my physio exercises and then got to work on the prep for my cowrite. I had this idea to write a song about The Loneliest Whale so I started researching said whale and the factual information around it’s discovery, it’s signature call, and how it came to be called ‘The Loneliest Whale.’
No artist was listed with this illustration but it came from this article (x)
I was interrupted by my new ergonomic equipment being delivered, set up, and explained – thank you DSA and Posture People! I want to write about that whole process in a bit more detail but that really belongs in its own post. The two guys from Posture People were lovely and really well informed about the equipment they were setting up: they ran through everything in detail (but not so much detail that it was overwhelming) and they gave me time to test everything out to make sure I really understood how to make it work. The most exciting part was the beautiful ergonomic chair that they gave me. I’ve never had a comfortable desk chair – I’ve never been able to find one – and although it’s gonna take a while to adjust to sitting in a new position, I’m really excited to be able to sit at my desk and not feel really uncomfortable.
When they left, I went back to my research and collected quotes and phrases for inspiration. Then I went through those and wrote down the lyrical ideas that came to me as I read. Some of the ideas fitted together really clearly but I tried not to get ahead of myself since the song was supposed to be a cowrite.
In order to get into uni, we have to have tested negative for Covid less than twenty-four hours prior so I did a test and – hurray, hurray – it came back negative. Not that I thought I had it. But the negative result did mean that my plans could go ahead, I could see some of my friends, and I could do my cowrite so I was very pleased.
I spent the rest of the afternoon working on a blog post about special interests in Autism (and how it presents differently in girls and women). I figured that, since I had the research for my project, using it to write a blog post would be a win-win. I was momentarily – or not so momentarily as it turned out – pulled away from that when one of the cats got herself stuck in the attic and I had to tempt her down with Dreamies. Fortunately all of the cats become fairly dumb when the Dreamies come out. I was surrounded in seconds. Lucy didn’t immediately come flying out of the attic hatch but after I laid a trail of treats for her to follow, she did climb down and I was able to go back to writing.
One of my parents came over and we had a good catch up, which was really nice. I also showed her the ‘pivot’ blooper from the Friends reunion (which I absolutely loved) and we had a good laugh. She, having not seen it yet, laughed nearly until she cried. The three of them unable to stop laughing is just so funny.
We had dinner with Lucifer and I tried to catch up with my diary. I’m just permanently behind what with the Masters and it’s exhausting. It would be the ultimate relief to be caught up but I have no idea when that might be a possibility.
I went to bed early but then I had some lyric ideas for two of the songs I’ve been working on and that sort of snowballed until they were both nearly done. It was almost midnight so I stayed up a bit longer so I could send my friend a birthday message at the exact moment it became her birthday. That done, I curled up and went to sleep, with Friends on low for background noise.
I was up early, despite having woken up at four and struggled to get back to sleep. But I had things to do and places to be. I had a shower, got dressed, put on make up and jewellery; I had some breakfast and packed my bag before heading to the station to catch a train to London. It was around ten so it wasn’t super busy (although I did have to sit on the floor on the second train because I just couldn’t figure out where to sit that didn’t break social distancing rules – as much as possible on a train anyway). It was my first train journey in over a year and it was very surreal; it felt like a lifetime since I’d last been on a train and like the most normal thing in the world at the same time. I knew I didn’t have the energy to spare pondering that contradiction so I tried to just put it to one side and focus on the work I wanted to do. I was semi-successful, mostly because, with my mask, my glasses kept steaming up (yeah, I know, I still haven’t figured that one out) so I eventually abandoned them, ending up hunched over my computer in order to see the screen.
My second train (at least, the second train I’d planned to take) was cancelled. I can’t help feeling that there’s something kind of incomprehensible and yet somewhat comforting (although maybe not at that particular moment) that there was a global pandemic and the world basically turned upside down but Southern Rail is still as unreliable as always. Anyway. It was a complete faff to reroute and it made me horribly late but eventually – two trains later – I made it to uni. It wasn’t an enjoyable first train journey: talking on the phone to various friends and family did help my anxiety a bit but my knee was already killing me and it was going to be a long day. It’s been hurting for weeks now and I have an appointment with the onsite physio at my doctors’ surgery but it’s not for another two weeks so I’m not sure how I’m supposed to manage until then.
Fortunately my cowriter was very understanding and we had a really good – and fun – session; we laughed a lot, which was really nice. We didn’t have as much time as I would’ve liked but we built a strong foundation for the song with two verses and a chorus that I felt really good about. It obviously needs more work but it was a really solid start and I felt really positive about where it was going.
We had a class at two so we had to stop there. Even though we were at uni, it was an online class so we had to log in to attend – that was kind of funny, attending a uni class that wasn’t at uni while I was at uni. I don’t know if that makes any sense but I couldn’t help a wry smile. Anyway. Everyone in the group shared their project, where they were at with it, if they were having any problems, and so on; they all sound so fascinating. We’re going to have to have a week long listening session at the end of the module so that we can all hear each other’s work. It was a long class so it did get a little difficult to stay completely engaged throughout but, as I said, all of the projects are really interesting.
After the class, I desperately needed a break, having been concentrating (or, at the very least, trying to) for over four hours solid. I got to have a good hang out and catch up with my friend Luce, which was just what I needed, and we also got to see our friend Eddi who I certainly haven’t seen since before the pandemic, which was just so lovely and an unexpected gift. If there’s a bright side to being separated for so long, it’s the complete joy of being reunited – it’s a real celebration every time.
There was also an online song sharing that afternoon so Luce and I found an empty room and logged in. There were about ten of us, I think, including two of our part-time classmates who were also at uni, in another room in the building somewhere. Anyway. The session was really fun and inspiring. Since we have our supervisors (or each other one on one) for critique, the session is more about hyping each other up and offering creative ideas and just sharing our writing/project journey in a really positive, uncritical environment. So many of the songs were just SO GOOD. I mean, I thought every song was good because everyone has improved so much over the module and really got a sense of their songwriting identity, their strong points, their stylistic preferences, and so on, but some of the songs were just mind-blowing. The songs that Luce, my friend Joy, and my newer friend Shristi played particularly stick out in my mind as some of the best songs I’ve heard on the course (and definitely better than many of the songs I hear outside the course).
I played one of my newest songs, which was actually kind of terrifying because it’s not the kind of song I usually write and I really wasn’t sure how it was going to go over (I don’t mean to be intentionally cryptic – but I’m planning to release it, the song and this project, so I don’t want to spoil anything or, even worse, promise something and then not deliver). But everyone really, really liked it and were so enthusiastic and supportive, even picking out their favourite lines despite having heard it only once. It was a bit overwhelming but in a really lovely way. I really love this song and I’m so glad that people liked it and were responding to the emotion in it.
When the session ended, we packed up, said hi to our friends who’d been in the building, and headed off in our different directions. It was officially home-time; it was after seven and I still had a couple of hours of travel ahead of me. And, of course, my overground train was cancelled but with the low sun and fresh air, I was happy to sit and relax, especially after being inside all day; sometimes uni can feel a bit like a casino – the lack of clocks and windows at uni can make it really hard to tell how much time has passed, what time it is, etc. Days could’ve passed and you wouldn’t know.
Eventually, I managed to get moving and between talking to my parents (they all wanted to know how the day had gone and when there’s four of them, that can take a while!) and some project work, I managed to stay awake all of the way home. But after the long day and all the changing trains, my knee was excruciating; I could barely walk by the time I made it home.
Crashed out on the sofa, I inhaled a dinner of fish and chips (THE BEST fish and chips in the world, I might add) and half watched The Proposal – I love the movie but I was so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open.
I managed a barely coherent Instagram post before going to bed at eleven, exhausted and sore. I was asleep in minutes and slept like the dead.
I woke up with my alarm at eight thirty but I was so exhausted from the day before that I accidentally fell asleep again and slept until ten. I had a slight headache so I took some pills straight away before it could get worse. I had too many things to do to have my day derailed by a major headache or, worse, a migraine.
It took me a while to get up but I did eventually manage to drag myself out of bed and after a shower and breakfast, I got to work. I spent the next several hours working on stuff for my project; mostly, I caught up with the journal-like document that we keep both as a record of what we’ve done and as a place to reflect on what we’ve learned in our research, on the songs we’re writing, and the whole process that is the project. That’s the broad strokes: you can use it for whatever is helpful to your project but I guess that’s the basic scaffolding of it. I had rather a lot to catch up on, having had a busy but productive few days of project work.
When I eventually finished that, I took a break and had a quick scroll through my social media. The first thing I saw was that an interview I’d done a few months back had been published and shared…
I still find it a very surreal experience to be interviewed, and I’m not sure I’ve had an illustration of myself before! Surreal but very cool. So that’s out there and you can check it out via the link if you would to!
My social media also alerted to me the fact that the day before was the anniversary – the 5th anniversary – of Christina Grimmie’s death. I can’t believe it’s been five years. I really can’t. I’m still dealing with a level of cognitive dissonance, I guess. It just feels so wrong, like something that should not have been possible according to the laws of physics, even after all this time. I’ve written about her death before and I doubt there’s anything new to say – the facts haven’t changed – but I still struggle with it. I know I’d had a busy, stressful, painful day but I felt guilty for forgetting, for only remembering the next day when I was prompted by social media.
It was almost like Sooty knew I was getting upset because she suddenly appeared, hopped into my lap, and demanded that I put down my phone and pay her some attention. Loudly. So I put down my phone and we had a good cuddle. She wriggles and rolls and purrs like a train and it’s very soothing. And she definitely seems like she has a good time.
When Sooty resettled herself on my legs, I did some diary catch up and then some blog writing before trying to work on the song about The Loneliest Whale. I really tried but I was so tired and my head was starting to hurt so after a while, I just put on a movie and dozed on the sofa until one of my parents arrived for our weekly dinner and hang out.
We had a good catch up (even though we catch up practically every night) before having dinner with Lucifer. It was really nice and chilled out and probably just what I needed. But eventually she had to go. We said our goodbyes, had lots of hugs, and then, once she’d gone, I had another go at my whale song. I’m always more productive and creative at night (unfortunately for my neighbours) and I had actually managed to make some progress, which was very satisfying after the trouble I’d had earlier in the day.
I slept restlessly so getting up was a struggle. Oh, how I miss the days of a good sleep schedule…
I had a shower and some breakfast and then got to work at my computer. I did another clean up of my laptop, closing all the windows with research I didn’t need anymore before working one of the songs I’m currently working on. With this project, working on multiple songs at once, it’s a bit like spinning plates. It’s a challenge. But it’s a fun and satisfying challenge most of the time.
In the middle of the day, I had to go to the hospital for a dental assessment, the next step in the process of my upcoming tooth extraction. I really don’t know what the point of the appointment was: there was no new information in either direction, we had the exact same conversation as we had in the first appointment at my dentist, and all he did was refer me for the extraction (which seemed an unnecessary step since, as far as I could tell, I’d already been referred). The whole thing felt pointless and a waste of everybody’s time: for me it was annoying and I’m sure there had to be better things he could’ve been doing. And I still have no idea when the extraction might happen and if it will affect my Masters.
So that whole experience was frustrating and exhausting and then, when we got home, the pain in my knee was so bad that I physically couldn’t walk from the car to the house. I ended up sobbing in the street. My Mum had to all but carry me the rest of the way. It was horrible. But I had a rest and eventually managed to recover myself, enough at least to have another go at the song I’d been working on earlier in the day. And another one. What can I say? Spinning plates.
Early evening I realised I hadn’t posted the blog post I’d written so I put that up (it’s the one about living with unmedicated ADHD). Then my Mum and I had a light dinner, had a break to digest, and headed to the pool. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before but, on Saturdays and Sundays, one of the local-ish pools have evening sessions that are very Autism-friendly. That’s not specifically their purpose but they’re very calm and soothing: quiet, low lighting, and only a few people. Plus they have super strict COVID regulations so I’ve always felt safe going there. It’s so nice. Those nights are usually high points in my week.
We swam and I worked hard, which felt really good. And the fact that my knee doesn’t hurt in the water, giving me a break from the pain, is definitely good for my mental and emotional state. Although, in a typically me move, I did have to get out in the middle to record a song idea in the changing room. I’m betting that if you’re a songwriter reading this, you’ve done something similar more than once too.
Back home, exhausted but buzzing with endorphins, I finished the lyrics to one song and worked on another. That was very satisfying. Then I went to bed, read for a bit, and went to sleep around half midnight.
I had an early start, caught up with my diary a bit, and then headed to the vaccination centre for my second vaccine. They were great – quick, efficient, and warm – and then I was out of there, fully vaccinated. That felt really, really good. The only negative to the experience was that my knee was so painful that I could barely walk on it; we managed to get a parking space close to the doors but just fifteen minutes on my feet was excruciating.
When I got home, I tried to work on the song I didn’t finish the night before. I found it difficult to concentrate but I kept trying all afternoon, all evening until dinner. While we were eating, we talked about the week ahead and what needed to be done for each day. I’m juggling a lot at the moment and while – most of the time – I feel like I can handle it, suddenly it all got on top of me and I got really stressed out and upset.
It took me quite a long time to recover and I didn’t really want to go out and interact with people, even if it was only a few of them at the pool. But I only get two opportunities a week to swim there – in that relatively stress-free environment – and I was loathe to give one of them up. So I dragged myself out of the house and over to the pool.
Again, I worked hard, which felt good. I can already feel the difference in my strength and stamina from when I started swimming consistently again after the last lockdown ended. My arm had started to ache post-vaccine but it wasn’t too bad; it didn’t affect my swimming (or anything else and it only lasted a few days unlike the two weeks of pain I had last time).
I crashed on the sofa when we got home, watched TV for a bit, and then I spent a little time working on song lyrics before going to bed.
Every week at the moment is different but the intensity is pretty consistent. My brain is constantly on a hamster wheel and while I love all of the stuff I’m working on, it’s pretty stressful and exhausting. And on that note, I just wanted to flag that I might not be as consistent about posting over the next two months or so. I’m not going anywhere – I have absolutely no intention of abandoning this blog – but I need to focus on this final project for the Masters and the two other research projects I’m working on. They have to be the priority for a little bit but then I will be back. I promise. I love this blog and I get so much out of writing it. And that’s not to say that I won’t post at all in that time; I just don’t think every week is going to be possible for a little bit. So, I hope you enjoyed this blog and I will see you in the not too distant future!
Category: about me, anxiety, autism, covid-19 pandemic, death, event, family, heds, medication, mental health, music, research, sleep, treatment, university, video, writing Tagged: a week in my life, adhd, anxiety, asd, autism, autism spectrum disorder, autistic, autistic adult, autistic student, blog writing, cats, christina grimmie, coronavirus, covid test, covid vaccine, covid-19, covid-19 vaccine, cowriting, death, dental assessment, dental surgery, disabled student allowance, dsa, eds, ehlers danlos syndrome, energy levels, ergonomic equipment, exhaustion, family of cats, film, friends, friends reunion, heds, hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome, interview, joint pain, journal, london, low energy, major repertoire project, masters degree, masters degree in songwriting, masters part time, mental illness, murder, my cats, occupational therapy, online class, online classes, pandemic, pandemic 2020, physiotherapy, public transport, research, singersongwriter, sleep, songwriting, special interests, swimming, the loneliest whale, tooth extraction, tv, university, vaccine
Posted on August 15, 2020
It hasn’t been that long since my last week-in-my-life post but life is so different week to week at the moment that I thought I’d do another one once I started to see how the week was turning out. I thought, if anything, it would be interesting to be able to look back and see how different different periods of time could be during this pandemic and the subsequent lockdown.
The week in this post started on Monday 20th July and ended on Sunday 26th July.
I got up around eight, determined to be productive: do admin, send emails, work on blog posts, and so on. But I quickly discovered that the internet was down for the whole street and so I had to adjust my plans. I went back to my photo library and managed to finish sorting out my photo library: I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this but when I loaded my photo library onto my new laptop, there were multiple duplicates of every single photo and the only way to be sure that I was getting rid of all of them (and not losing any of the originals) was to go through it manually. It took about two weeks of dedicated work but that morning, I finally finished deleting the duplicates, cutting the library down from 85,000 to 30,000 – no wonder Photos was running so slowly… I wasn’t quite done: I had to finish organising the remaining original photos into albums but it was real progress and that was very satisfying.
Since I was filming the music video for my next single, ‘Back To Life,’ the next day, I’d recoloured my hair a couple of days earlier (it had grown out A LOT) but since my usual dye had been discontinued, I’d had to guess at a new one and I wasn’t super happy with it so with my Mum’s help, we dyed it again, using a much redder dye than the previous one. It still wasn’t quite what I wanted but it was better than before.
I spent the afternoon working on (and finishing!) my next blog post, My Lockdown Favourites, and then, in the evening, I tried on the outfits and jewellery for the video, just to make sure that everything matched and was comfortable enough to move freely in. I avoid weighing myself because of my struggles with food – I don’t believe I have an eating disorder but I have gone through phases of disordered eating so I’m careful to avoid things that trigger that, like keeping a frequent eye on my weight – but I don’t think I’ve gained much, if any, weight during lockdown. My weight fluctuates within a certain range and I’m currently wearing the bigger size of jeans but that did happen pre-lockdown times. So I was relieved that everything was comfortable and that I don’t need to spend money on new clothes.
I was happy with the two different looks and as comfortable with our safety plan as I could be, given that I find just going out incredibly stressful, but I still felt very anxious about making the video. We were shooting early to avoid as many people as possible, would be masked (apart from me when I was on camera), and would be socially distanced, but I was still anxious about being out, about acting relaxed and happy for the upbeat song while feeling so anxious, as well as all the normal anxieties about making music videos and being filmed. So it’s safe to say I was struggling. But if we didn’t shoot the video, we couldn’t move forward with the EP, and I would continue to carry all of that anxiety.
In an attempt to relax a bit before bed, I caught up with one of my parents over FaceTime and watched an episode of The Mentalist with Mum. Then we went to bed early, given that we had to get up pretty early for the video shoot. I don’t know how I’ve managed to come up with three music videos (four shoots in total), all that have involved getting up at vaguely ridiculous hours.
My alarm was due to go off at six but I woke up at five thirty. That was positively luxurious compared to Richard’s ‘call time,’ since he’d had to leave his house before five (he was catching the first train from London – we’d talked about this a lot before we even started planning but he said he felt safe doing it, otherwise we wouldn’t have gone forward with the filming). But that extra time was good: it gave me some time to settle myself and collect my thoughts.
When my alarm went off, I got up and got showered, made up, and dressed in the first outfit I’d be wearing. I had a bit of breakfast and it was all going really well when, of course, I discovered a problem: a white residue had appeared on the frames of my glasses. It’s happened before but Mum had managed to get rid of it using a general household cleaner but nothing seemed to be working this time. We were supposed to be picking Richard up from the train station but I couldn’t do the video with my glasses looking the way they did (it was really noticeable and would look horrible) and I was rapidly spiralling into a meltdown, which I really couldn’t afford to have if we were going to film the video. In the end, Mum had to go and get Richard while I desperately tried to clean them, using anything and everything I could think of. A combination of googling and just experimenting later, I discovered that a thorough scrubbing with toothpaste was the answer. So, just in case you ever find yourself with the same problem…
PRO TIP: If your glasses develop a white residue on the frames, a good scrubbing with toothpaste will make them look as good as new.
I was just finishing when Mum and Richard got back and we headed straight out to the beach. I’d expected it to be pretty quiet, given that it was eight in the morning and a section of the beach a good distance from Brighton, but it was actually quite busy: there was an almost constant flow of people, most of whom weren’t wearing masks. This only added to my stress, in terms of safety and in terms of filming.
I don’t want to give too much away since this post will go up before the video is released. But we shot footage in three different locations (which included a somewhat awkward outfit change) and got everything we needed. I’d been worried about singing and making eye contact with the camera, something I’ve never done before, but that turned out to be much easier than before. It was hard work though, especially considering I’ve been inside for the last several months and my high level of anxiety. But we got it done and I’m cautiously optimistic about it as a finished video.
Here’s what I posted on Instagram afterwards…
After so much physical exertion (for the last year or so, even standing for extended periods of time can make me feel lightheaded and dizzy), it was a struggle to get back to the car. My whole body hurt, particularly my hip and knee joints and my steps got shorter and shorter. It felt like there was broken glass between the bones at each joint. It was horrible.
Eventually we made it back to the car and then home. We sat socially distanced in the garden for some lunch and then, as I watched Richard attempt to reconnect with the cats, I ended up falling asleep in my chair, completely exhausted by the emotion, the anxiety, and the physical activity. Fortunately Richard understands that this does happen – it’s happened before. I didn’t sleep for long and then we had a good catch up before dropping him back at the station around four. We were both really wiped from the early starts and the shoot.
Home again, I flopped down on the sofa and caught up with my other three parents who were all eager to hear how it had gone. Then me and Mum watched a couple of episodes of The Mentalist, had dinner, and went to bed early.
It was a really tough day because I was in a lot of pain after the shoot the day before. My whole body hurt, every single time I moved, every time I even shifted my weight. It was hideous. No one has managed to explain why I experience this level of pain after ‘normal’ levels of activity and our investigation has been stalled by the pandemic. Hopefully one day we’ll be able to find out, or at least find some solid ways of managing it so that I don’t feel so limited (I think the lack of exercise – swimming is the only form of exercise that I can do without pain – hasn’t helped).
I’d planned to have a very gentle day anyway, knowing I’d be tired, so I settled in to watch Absentia Season 3. I knew from watching the first two seasons that I would get so absorbed that I wouldn’t want to stop until I finished it so I dedicated the day to binging the whole thing. I’m finding this to be a really good form of escapism at the moment, especially because I don’t have the concentration to do anything but watch it. Anyway, it was really good and I really, really enjoyed it. Having only started it a month or so ago, it’s already one of my favourite shows. I think the first season is my favourite but I’ve loved all of them and I love Emily Byrne (played by Stana Katic). She’s such an interesting character with such a complex history that I could just watch endless episodes of her. It’s definitely a show that I’ll watch over and over again.
This is the trailer for Season 1 even though I was watching Season 3 – I just don’t want to spoil the show for anyone.
I was so overwhelmed when I finished it that all I could really do was sit and absorb it. But eventually my brain started working again and I had a quick scroll through social media (I haven’t been spending much time on it recently but I do try to check in every now and then so that I’m update to date with what and how my friends are doing) before doing a bit of work, despite my dedication to a day of relaxation. A Dutch journalism student had reached out to me, asking if he could interview me as a new artist dealing with the pandemic. I’d been happy to help and he’d sent me a series of questions that I’d been thinking about so I pulled them up and wrote out my answers before sending the document back to him.
I FaceTimed with one of my parents (it’s hilarious – we talk more now than we did pre-pandemic even though we’re currently doing less and therefore have less to talk about, leading to some pretty bizarre conversations) and then me and Mum had dinner with The Mentalist. And after taking some time to digest, she gave me a massage (I think I’ve mentioned previously that she used to be a massage therapist) to help with all the pain I was in. It wasn’t exactly comfortable but I think it helped in the long run.
Lying on the carpet post massage, I was so relaxed that it was very hard to get up. I didn’t end up going to bed until around eleven.
Despite the less than early night, I woke up at six and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was still tired but I enjoyed the cool and quiet of the early morning. It’s the time of day when I feel most calm, I think.
I stayed curled up in bed but I got to work, answering all of my outstanding messages (and there were A LOT of them). Over the last month or so, I’ve found that taking a couple of days away from social media can be really good for my mental health but then almost all of my socialisation with my friends is through social media so I’ve been working at finding a comfortable and healthy balance. The messages do pile up every now and then though so I’m not there yet. But I’m trying.
That done (and it felt like a real achievement considering how many messages there were), I got up and went downstairs to feed the cats. I was still in pain but it was mainly just in my joints and where the body bends, rather than absolutely everywhere like it had been the day before. So that was progress.
I spent the morning updating my bullet journal and working on various blog posts with Friends on the TV with volume turned down low (background noise helps me work and it seems to be the only thing that doesn’t distract me). I was just getting on with that when I got a handful of notifications from Taylor Swift’s social media accounts, announcing that she was releasing a new album at midnight (or 5am for me in the UK).
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Most of the things I had planned this summer didn’t end up happening, but there is something I hadn’t planned on that DID happen. And that thing is my 8th studio album, folklore. Surprise 🤗Tonight at midnight I’ll be releasing my entire brand new album of songs I’ve poured all of my whims, dreams, fears, and musings into. I wrote and recorded this music in isolation but got to collaborate with some musical heroes of mine; @aarondessner (who has co-written or produced 11 of the 16 songs), @boniver (who co-wrote and was kind enough to sing on one with me), William Bowery (who co-wrote two with me) and @jackantonoff (who is basically musical family at this point). Engineered by Laura Sisk and Jon Low, mixed by Serban Ghenea & Jon Low. The album photos were shot by the amazing @bethgarrabrant. Before this year I probably would’ve overthought when to release this music at the ‘perfect’ time, but the times we’re living in keep reminding me that nothing is guaranteed. My gut is telling me that if you make something you love, you should just put it out into the world. That’s the side of uncertainty I can get on board with. Love you guys so much ♥️
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My brain basically short-circuited. It was such a shock – a good one, yes – but a shock nonetheless. I was incredibly excited but I also had this weird mix of adrenaline and anxiety rushing through my system; I think the only way I can describe it is that it’s like when my plans suddenly get derailed and I’m left scrambling to try and figure out what the new plan is. It’s not a comfortable feeling. Having said that, I don’t want to come across as negative because I was genuinely immensely excited but sudden changes are a lot to handle when you’re autistic so I was dealing with a lot of overwhelming emotions.
Given this news, my concentration was shot for the rest of the day. Usually, we have a lot longer to wait between announcement and release so the anticipation builds over months but this time, it felt like it was all compressed into less than a day. It took hours to get back into a headspace that wasn’t just ‘OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! TAYLOR SWIFT IS RELEASING A NEW ALBUM AND WE’LL HAVE IT IN LESS THAN TWENTY FOUR HOURS!’ and even then, the thought would leap up out of nowhere and smack me in the face, derailing my thought process. So it wasn’t the most productive day ever.
I spent (or tried to at least) the rest of the day trying to catch up with my diary so that I could immediately write down my thoughts on the new album the next day. I didn’t quite make it but I got close enough that I would still be writing about it on its release day.
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folklore will have 16 songs on the standard edition, but the physical deluxe editions will include a bonus track called “the lakes.” Because this is my 8th studio album, I made 8 deluxe CD editions and 8 deluxe vinyl editions that are available for one week😄 Each deluxe edition has unique covers, photos, and artwork. Available exclusively at taylorswift.com
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Something that I started doing with the ‘Red’ album was predicting which songs I would like based on the titles. Obviously that’s not much to go on and there’s no logic to it really but it’s a fun exercise. My guesses for ‘folklore’ were ‘the last great american dynasty,’ ‘exile’ (I mean, a collaboration with Bon Iver?!), ‘my tears ricochet,’ ‘seven,’ ‘august,’ ‘this is me trying,’ and ‘epiphany.’ So I wrote those down, set multiple alarms to wake me up for my traditional 5am first listen, and went to bed early.
My alarm went off at 4.45am and I flipped through various apps on my phone, just trying to wake myself up for the 5am release. But when the time came around, the album wasn’t available on iTunes. Fortunately lyric videos for each song had been uploaded to YouTube so I watched those according to the track listing. It’s always really important to me to listen to a new album in order because that’s a creative decision the artist made when they put it together. I often continue to listen to albums like that (unless I’m in a specific mood and need the validation that songs of a similar emotion provide).
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In isolation my imagination has run wild and this album is the result, a collection of songs and stories that flowed like a stream of consciousness. Picking up a pen was my way of escaping into fantasy, history, and memory. I’ve told these stories to the best of my ability with all the love, wonder, and whimsy they deserve. Now it’s up to you to pass them down. folklore is out now. 📷: Beth Garrabrant
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As I listened, I noted down my thoughts about each track. I love how our relationships to songs change over time and as we discover all the layers within them so I always find it really interesting to look back and see what my original thoughts were for comparison. I don’t know if anyone cares but I’m going to stick them in here because I love the album and loved it from the first listen.
I’m really looking forward to hearing ‘the lakes’ and seeing how that fits into the album and I’m just really excited to listen to the album over and over and over again, until I know every little detail. Again, because I love it so much (and because I’m a Songwriting Nerd), I’ll probably make a whole post about it at some point once I’ve listened to it more and have a better understanding of the stories. If that’s not your thing then I absolutely won’t be offended if you skip that post.
I bought some merch (the international shipping is atrocious but I’m trying not to beat myself up since I’ve barely spent any money since lockdown began) and spent the morning on Tumblr, reading people’s reactions and theories and analyses of the new songs. This is always one of my favourite parts of a new Taylor album, everyone coming together to peel back all of the layers in each of the songs. It reminds me of this Daisy Johnson quote from Agents of Shield (my favourite TV show): “Usually one person doesn’t have the solution, but a hundred people with one percent of the solution? That will get it done. I think that’s beautiful… pieces solving a puzzle.”
Early afternoon, I had a Zoom session with my therapist. We talked through the week since my last session, discussing the difficulties and how I’d dealt with them. She also let me ramble about Taylor Swift for a little bit because she knows how much I love her and how important her music is to me, both as a person and as a songwriter. For the most part though, we talked about how much I have and still am struggling with the different reactions people have had and are having to the pandemic and lockdown. I’ve never been able to get my head around the way some people have managed to be super motivated and productive during this time while I feel like I can’t move past the fact that we’re in a pandemic, that tens of thousands of people have died, hundreds of thousands of people are mourning, and so on. It’s like this giant roadblock that I just cannot navigate around. Yes, I’ve been able to do bits and pieces here and there but this is always in the middle of my brain, making it impossible to be much more than minimally functional. I don’t think a person is bad or wrong for being able to compartmentalise or manage however they are managing; I just don’t understand how someone actually does it. Usually I can understand how someone might approach a situation differently even if I can’t actually do it myself but right now, I can’t. I wish I did; I wish I knew how to not feel constantly overwhelmed by distress and grief and fear.
By the time we finished, I was really starting to flag; the early start, the emotions of ‘folklore,’ and the difficult discussions in therapy. I was TIRED; I was struggling not to fall asleep on the sofa. I lay there for a while, just processing everything, and when Mum came upstairs to check on me, we ended up watching The Mentalist together while I did some diary writing. My emotions were all over the place and I just needed some gentle time.
Dinner and another episode later, me and Mum got in the car and went for a drive. I always introduce her to new albums on long drives and it’s a tradition we both really love (something we haven’t done since before we went into lockdown). We didn’t have anywhere to drive to so we just decided to drive up to a particular junction on the motorway and back, listening to the album beginning to end. For some reason, it feels like an album that sounds best in the dark, hence why we’d waited until the evening. It was really fun and we both really enjoyed it. Mum’s initial favourites were ‘illicit affairs,’ ‘this is me trying,’ and ‘mad woman.’ After a day of listening to it, my top three were ‘this is me trying,’ ‘mirrorball,’ and ‘exile.’ But I really, really love a lot of them. It’s mostly a case of which ones do I love more or less and which ones do I connect to more or less.
There was a diversion due to roadworks so we ended up getting home pretty late. We were sorting out the cats and getting ready for bed when we came to a decision on something we’ve been discussing for a while: we decided to buy the one thing I wanted for my birthday, a Gretsch hollow body electric guitar. I’ve wanted one for months and it was going to be my birthday present but me and Mum had discussed it and decided to buy it a couple of months early so that I can make the most of it before university starts again in early October (my birthday is at the very end of September). I want to improve my skills and also just play for fun as much as possible before I have to start factoring in university work, in whatever form that takes. We’ve been talking about it for a while now but that evening, we decided to finally stop talking about it and actually do it. It was very exciting and would be arriving in just a few days (the picture below is from when it arrived).
I woke up feeling tired and unsettled and anxious and it just got stronger and stronger throughout the day. I just felt really overwhelmed by all the things I feel I still need to do before uni starts again, which ironically and frustratingly made it harder to get anything done.
It was a rainy day so the cats spent a lot of time indoors with us, which was a comfort. They’re usually busy playing in the garden so it was nice to have them around. They were all pretty affectionate but Sooty was especially snuggly and I gratefully accepted every invitation to cuddle.
I posted my weekly blog post, My Lockdown Favourites, and then spent most of the day catching up with my diary. It’s so easy to get behind and that causes me such anxiety. I also spent a bit of time at the piano and continued messing around with a couple of song ideas I’ve been working on recently. I’ve been experimenting with writing from the point of view of fictional and historical characters over lockdown and although I find it much harder than writing about my personal experiences, it’s a fun challenge and one that I think is improving my songwriting skills, as well as resulting in some interesting songs. So, all in all, it was an okay day.
In the evening, one of my parents came over for dinner in the garden. We’d also planned to watch Hamilton together but given how stressed and anxious I’d been, we decided to postpone that until next time so that I’d actually be able to enjoy it. I’ve really been looking forward to seeing it so I was grateful for the flexibility; I wanted to be able to really get stuck in and engage with it and I just didn’t feel able to that day. Still, it was really nice to see her in really life and hang out together.
When she left, me and Mum watched a couple of episodes of The Mentalist while I did some diary writing and then we went to bed, far too late as usual. Sleeping badly has got me all twisted up about going to bed so I dread it and put it off and usually end up sleeping worse because of it. It’s a habit I’m trying to break but so far I haven’t done very well. It’s just so easy to get sucked into trying to finish whatever I’m doing.
I slept restlessly (as is my new normal) and woke up feeling tired and low. But I dragged myself up and me and Mum fed the cats – it really is a two person job with five very eager cats. They’re so cute though and watching them practically inhale their food and then skip out into the garden to play is a good way to start the day.
Mum headed out straight away and drove to our gym since she hasn’t been able to get anyone on the phone. Because of my Chronic Fatigue and the ongoing problems with my joints, weight bearing exercise can be really painful so swimming is really the only serious exercise I can do. I’m really concerned that gyms are opening too early but as they are, I at least wanted to know what the safety precautions are and what my options might be. Our gym has a therapy pool that was always empty first thing in the morning so we would use that but when she returned, she reported that the therapy pool wasn’t an option because they didn’t have enough life guards yet. And when it came to their safety precautions, I just didn’t feel like it was worth the risk. But we’re going to keep talking to them and try to work out an arrangement as a disabled member. So it’s not the end of the road but it was very disappointing and didn’t help my mood.
I was supposed to have a music lesson (via Zoom) but my anxiety was even worse than the day before so, in the end, I cancelled it. Fortunately my teacher is one of my parents and so she understands that if I say I can’t do something, I really can’t. I’d really tried to motivate myself and push through my anxiety but I just felt like I was going to start crying at any moment. It was just too much.
So I curled up on the sofa with the TV on low and continued catching up with my diary. I always get behind when Taylor Swift releases an album because I end up writing so much about it – the lyrics, what I like and what I’d do differently, the production, my overall thoughts – and sticking in interesting analyses from Tumblr. I’m always amazed at how quickly some people are able to analyse a song and see all the layers while I’m still overwhelmed by the amount of layers and all the emotions the songs evoke.
I also did a bit more work organising my photo library but I hadn’t got very far before I was interrupted (very pleasantly) by one of my parents dropping in to say hello. She hadn’t planned on staying long but then we got talking about ‘folklore.’ She’s a huge music nerd so she’s always interested to know what I’m listening to. I played her a couple of the songs and that turned into a full album listening party, which was really fun, although I’m always a little anxious about playing her music that’s special to me because she can have really strong opinions. But she was really into it (she particularly liked ‘mad woman’) and asked me to share it with her so she could listen to it some more. So that was very cool.
I ended the day having dinner and watching The Mentalist with Mum (we are both complete saps when it comes to the Jane and Lisbon relationship in the final season) while I continued writing my diary.
So that’s another week of my lockdown experience. I feel like, aside from unexpected difficulties with my mental health or an autistic meltdown, I’m finding a groove where I’m as productive and comfortable as I can be. It’s far from what I would’ve wished for during this period (apart from the new Taylor Swift album) but I’m cautiously optimistic that I’m managing a bit better, in the sense that I’m better at taking things day by day.
So I hope this was interesting to read, interesting to see someone else’s experience and maybe escape your own life for a bit. I hope you’re all doing well, staying safe and coping the best you can.
Category: autism, body image, covid-19 pandemic, emotions, event, favourites, meltdowns, mental health, music, therapy, video Tagged: a week in my life, absentia, agents of shield, anxiety, back to life, behind the scenes, blog writing, blogging, cat, cats, cfs, chronic fatigue, chronic fatigue syndrome, coronavirus, covid-19, daisy johnson, dbt, diary, disordered eating, disturbed sleep, ep, face mask, facemask, facetime, family, fatigue, folklore, food, friends, glasses, gretsch, guitar, gym, hair dye, honest ep, interview, journal, laptop, lockdown, low mood, making a music video, mask, massage, me/cfs, mood, music lesson, music theory, music video, music video shoot, new guitar, new music, new single, organisation, pain, pandemic, photo albums, photo library, pool, quarantine, quote, safety, safety precautions, singer, singersongwriter, singersongwriter life, sleep, stress, swimming, taylor swift, the mentalist, tumblr, tv show, university, video shoot, wear a mask, week in my life, weight
Posted on July 4, 2020
It’s been a while since I did a ‘week in my life’ post and I haven’t done one about lockdown, mainly because I feel like most of my days are incredibly similar, which wouldn’t exactly make for a scintillating post. But I saw the idea in my ‘blog ideas’ list and realised that over the last few weeks, I have managed to be a bit more productive (with my mental health fluctuating so wildly, it’s hard to really get into anything) and so each day is looking more like its own entity.
The week in this post started on Monday 22nd June and ended on Sunday 28th June.
Even though I don’t have anywhere to be, I’m still getting up relatively early, partly because I’m at my best mentally in the mornings (generally) and partly because we have five cats who are always very eager for breakfast. They’re actually really helpful when it comes to maintaining some kind of routine; sometimes I think it’s easier when there’s something external to build from, rather than trying to build it from nothing.
Cats fed, I settled on the sofa and replied to all the messages on my phone that were waiting for me. In times of mental distress (which there is a lot of lately), I tend to abandon my phone and withdraw from communications because it’s all just more than I can handle. However, it can then be a rather daunting task when I feel able to engage again. But I managed to reply to everyone and messaged some of my friends that I hadn’t checked in with for a while.
I spent the morning sorting through my tech box of electronics, my store of everything electronic, from spare pairs of headphones to camera equipment to cables I know longer own the devices for – I’m sorting through all of my possessions and this was next on my list. I went through it, throwing out the stuff that was damaged or so old that it was no longer useable, piling up some stuff to give away, and organising the remaining items by function. I certainly don’t need the big box anymore.
I didn’t stop there though. I went through all eight of the USB sticks I’d found, deleting the files I didn’t want and storing those I did. I now have multiple memory sticks empty and ready to go whenever I need them. And then I started on the hard drives, most of them assorted back ups of my laptop. That’s a job that’s going to take considerable time. But I’ve assigned each of them a function and started moving the relevant files. I can’t have done more than a quarter of the work and even that took most of the day.
Eventually I gave up, having spent so much time on it that I kept getting confused about which hard drive I was in. So I disconnected them, packed them away, and did a couple of hours work on my blog post for the kittens’ birthday post (here). Me and Mum had dinner together, continuing our rewatch of Nikita, and then I spent about forty five minutes at the piano, during which I recorded this:
Then we fed and settled the cats before going to bed.
It was a quiet day. I spent most of it working at my laptop, finishing the blog post for the kittens’ birthday the next day and writing the one about coming off Pregabalin (here). I also planned out the next few as well, with sketches of the rough post structures. So it felt like a pretty productive day, which I was pleased with.
My Mum and I usually work pretty companionably since her desk is in the living room and I tend to work from the sofa (it’s better for the physical pain that I usually deal with to some degree or another – I need to get a specifically supportive desk chair but I’d have to go and try them out, something I can’t – and wouldn’t choose to – do until it’s safe). But recently she’s been working at the kitchen table, paper spread out around her as she transfers her accounts to a new system. It’s weird, going from being basically on top of each other to almost feeling like I’m alone in the house.
We reconvened in the evening, having dinner with several more episodes of Nikita, and then I sat at the piano, playing for almost an hour, methodically practicing each of the songs I’ve been learning recently. Thank god my neighbours are so easygoing and even supportive of my music because I usually ending up playing fairly late at night and even though I try to keep it as quiet as possible, some noise does drift through the walls.
I was just going to bed when I got a Twitter notification that Ingrid Andress is doing a virtual show on Tuesday 30th June. I love her and was supposed to see her live when I went to the US (before the trip was scuttled by the pandemic) so that was really exciting. I went straight to my computer to get a ticket and thank god I did because it was already difficult to get a ticket. I also managed to get a meet and greet, which should be fun; I have no idea how it will work online (plus it will be about 3am my time…) but it will be really nice to see her again. I’ve been going to her shows and chatting with her afterwards for the last several years so I’m glad that lockdown won’t prevent that.
(Note from present me to past me: it was an awesome show and I really enjoyed my chat with Ingrid.)
It was the kittens’ first birthday so we didn’t delay in heading downstairs and presenting them with their present. They both had a go at it but it was Sweep that eventually managed to open it, revealing the birthday cake shaped toy. Despite not having had breakfast yet, they were both very excited and played with it enthusiastically. It remained in tact for about twenty minutes before Sooty managed to tear the felt flame of the candle off it… Sigh. Ah well. They don’t seem to mind.
Unfortunately, I ended up getting caught in a panic spiral about the loosening of lockdown (I know I’m not the only one who feels that the government cares more about the economy and their reputation than the lives of the British public) and the scientists declaring that they feel we’ll still be dealing with the pandemic next year, that a second wave is extremely likely. The idea of feeling so terrified and so unsafe and so worried for my loved ones (plus the uncertainty around my education and my career) for all that time is exhausting and makes me feel almost overwhelmingly sick.
In hindsight, it probably turned into a meltdown but I didn’t really process that thought at the time. The intensity of my emotions are so extreme at the moment that it can be hard to clearly identify them within the mess I’m feeling. In the end, I was so worn out that I fell asleep on the sofa and didn’t wake up for three hours, a common reaction to a meltdown, for me at least.
When I woke up, I didn’t feel better – that’s not how it works, at least for me – but my head was a little clearer. WordPress had been playing up on my laptop so I hadn’t been able to post the kitten birthday post but eventually I got it up, complete with a video of the kittens: one second a day everyday for the first year of their lives…
In the evening, I spent about an hour on FaceTime with one of my friends. We had a good moan about missing each other and the things we can’t do, drooled over the guitars we wish we could afford, made plans for the first time we can hang out properly again. It was fun and nice and as normal as you can get in a time like this. Mum had wandered in and out of the room during the conversation and commented that we sounded like we always do, hanging out as if we were on opposite ends of the sofa. That made me laugh.
We had dinner together and continued our rewatch of Nikita, staying up far too late.
I’d struggled to sleep with the heat so I woke up, still tired and with a throbbing headache. Not exactly the greatest start to a day.
I sorted the cats and then spent some time tidying the living room and sorting out my space: it had gotten pretty chaotic with the various stationary and electronics that I always have within reach due to my frequent need for them. It’s definitely better and I’m always calmer and more productive in a tidy space.
I’d intended to do some more organising of my hard drives but the rising heat (over 30 degrees) was only making my headache worse. I ended up lying on the sofa with my eyes covered, waiting for the painkillers to kick in, except I accidentally fell asleep and didn’t wake up until about three hours later. Thankfully I slept through the hottest part of the day: I don’t cope very well in the heat. The cats were struggling too, poor babies, stretched out on the cool of the kitchen floor. I’ve never seen them look so flat.
I didn’t manage a huge amount because the headache never really abated but I did get a few bits and pieces done: some research for the blog, some blog writing, watching a bit of TV. But most of my energy was focussed on managing the headache; I spent a lot of time with my eyes covered, blocking out the light.
Mum and I kept to our evening routine of dinner and Nikita rewatch (we’ve just finished season two, which has such a great finale) and then, to finish off the evening, I listened to the two tracks that Richard (my writing partner) had sent me and gave him my feedback. I loved them: they’re both really cool but I had a handful of comments that can hopefully be of use. I also sent him a song of mine to listen to before we start work on the production.
That done, I went to bed but it was so hot and humid that I felt like I could barely breathe.
It was so hot that I just couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t until about five am that I finally drifted off. It was uncomfortable and frustrating but as least I got to witness the incredible thunderstorm that started at about two. There was a lot of lightning and heavy rain, although not much thunder. I sat up and watched it for ages. I absolutely love thunderstorms; they’re my favourite kind of weather. The air just feels different and I feel lighter. Apparently thunderstorms create negative ions in the atmosphere and that’s where that feeling comes from (x).
I struggled up at eight thirty and managed to have breakfast and a shower in time to relax for a moment and collect my thoughts before my therapy session. It’s taken me a while to get used to therapy via Zoom and while I still think face to face is better (and I really miss it), I am really grateful for it. I know that going without therapy during this time would be incredibly damaging for my mental health. I think it’s probably fair to say that we’re not necessarily focussed on making progress right now, rather we’re focussing on managing my emotions and the things I’m struggling with in the present moment, like my overwhelming fear of going outside and my sudden inability to sleep properly to name a few. I mean, technically it all comes under distress tolerance, one of the fundamental areas of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy so I guess we are making progress in a sense. Anyway, we had a pretty intense session because of several tough things going on at the moment, not helped by my lack of sleep. By the time we were done, I was exhausted.
I had a gentle afternoon, watching Nikita with Mum, and then napped on the sofa for a couple of hours. Three hours of sleep really isn’t enough. Throw in a tough therapy session and I was completely useless. I wasn’t going to make it to the end of the day without a nap.
In the evening, we had a socially distanced dinner and movie with one of my parents (she doesn’t live with us). Despite keeping up to date with the briefings and doing my own research, I’m still really confused about what the official safety guidelines are so we’re just sure to be really careful: apart from seeing each other now and then, none of us go out for anything other than the essentials, we social distance when we’re together, and we keep the space (and ourselves) as clean/hygienic as possible. It’s hard not being able to behave naturally together – having to be so conscious of the risks all of the time – but it’s so, so good to see her and hang out and have just a touch of normality, even if it is only a touch. I’ll take what I can get. Getting to see her in person is better than not getting to see her in person.
Despite my nap, I was tired and so me and Mum had a quiet evening together. Exhaustion always makes my anxiety worse so I just needed some time with her. Sometimes we joke that, rather than an emotional support animal, I have her: my emotional support person.
Always far too late (I swear I’m trying to maintain a regular sleep pattern), we fed and settled the cats before going to bed.
I slept better but still not well and I woke up feeling very anxious and unsettled, usually how I feel when I’ve had nightmares but can’t quite remember them – I definitely want to write a post about how the pandemic has affected sleep and the increased number of nightmares. It was still quite early so I stayed in bed, trying to shed the feeling. The cool, grey weather helped.
Eventually I got up, fed the cats, and managed to get a few good cuddles in, which also helped. Although nothing helped as much as the Diazepam I took.
I had a quiet morning, doing some admin, some blog post writing, and a couple of video calls to family and then I spent the afternoon catching up with my diary. The one mental health problem that hasn’t been too badly affected by the pandemic and lockdown is my OCD. It’s much easier – and quicker – to write down everything that happens when so much less is happening; before lockdown, busy days could take hours and hours to write up. My ability to concentrate has been seriously compromised by my anxiety so it still takes longer than it should but at least, with emptier days, it balances out a bit.
Mum and I had dinner, continuing our rewatch of Nikita, and then I spent some time at the piano. One of the things I really wanted to use my empty semester – and I guess, now the lockdown – for was improving my musical skills and at the moment, I’m just really in love with playing the piano. I’ve definitely improved already, which is really satisfying. I practiced my current repertoire and then tried to work out a new song. But it was tricky and I was tired so I didn’t get far before giving up – for the night, not on the song in general.
It was late but before going to bed, Mum (who used to be a full-time massage therapist, although it’s no longer her primary job) massaged my neck and right shoulder. My Trichotillomania urges have gone into overdrive since Covid-19 emerged and they’ve only gotten worse as time has passed. How I haven’t ended up with any bald spots, I have no idea. But because of my excessive pulling, my arm and shoulder have seized up and become really quite painful. The muscles actually hurt to touch but she was very gentle and I do think it helped.
We went to bed and I actually managed to get to sleep fairly quickly, which is a bit of a miracle at the moment.
I managed to sleep in a bit, which was nice, although I’d still had busy dreams. It took me a while to make sense of what was the dream and what was real and when I dragged myself out of bed, I felt slow and sluggish. Fortunately the cats had been very patient about breakfast. Having said that, they were very pleased to see us (and vocal about it).
I had breakfast and a shower, leaving me with fifteen minutes or so to clear my head before my music lesson. One of my parents is a professional musician and music teacher and as another of my goals for this period of time is to improve my understanding of musical theory, I’d asked a while ago if we could spend some time on it together (well, via Zoom). So, every Sunday, we dedicate a couple of hours (sometimes more if we’re on a roll) to working out the chords to a song, figuring out the rhythms to play, etc and then discussing the theory that underpins those things in that particular song. Then I practice it in the week before our next session. It’s hard work – I’ve always found theory quite difficult to really understand – but I do think I’m getting better, if slowly. I think learning it in a practical, applied way is helping and it’s much more fun than just trying to memorise it from a book. To my amusement, it’s basically turned into an attempt to learn every Kalie Shorr song because I love her writing so much but it’s also given me a new appreciation for the songs because I’m seeing how much more to them there is. As I said, it’s difficult and I’m exhausted afterwards (probably from the effort of keeping my concentration on it – a serious job at the moment) but it feels good to be learning and trying to improve my skills.
My concentration is always pretty poor afterwards but I did manage to get some blog writing done. I’m really enjoying this style of writing at the moment; it just flows really easily. I’m also trying to get ahead of myself by a couple of posts, creating a buffer of sorts, just in case I hit a period of writers’ block. That happened a while back and suddenly writing became really difficult and stressful, not exactly something I need more of right now. So I’m taking advantage of (and enjoying) how good and effortless it feels.
Early evening, Mum and I FaceTimed with my Granny. Mum speaks with her everyday while I join in every few days (sometimes in the frame and sometimes just in the room, adding to the conversation). We do the crossword together – something we’ve always done when we’re actually together – which is really fun and catch up on each other’s days. I worry about her, her age making her more vulnerable and her being alone during lockdown. We (especially my Mum and my aunt and uncle) try and talk as much as possible and suggest new things to do and new forms of entertainment (especially when her television died and no one would go out to fix it) but I still worry.
After we hung up, I tried to set up the laptop that had finally arrived from DSA, only to find out that they’d sent me the wrong one. Fortunately, I discovered that (sadly, I’m experienced enough with the problems of getting support as a disabled person to check) before I loaded all my files onto it. So we got in contact with them (and after a lot of back and forth) and they’re sending another one to swap it with. When this process is officially over – as in I’ve got the laptop and everything is signed off on – I will write a blog post about this whole process because it has been long and complicated and stressful and I think these experiences need to be out there.
Me and Mum had dinner with more Nikita and I did some more diary writing.
Somewhere closer to a sensible bedtime, we fed and settled the cats and went to bed.
I hope this was somewhat interesting. When I started writing it, I hadn’t counted on a heatwave that made me just this side non-functional for two days; I’d been hoping to be more productive. I know that we don’t have to be productive everyday but achieving something, even something small does help me to manage my mental health and keep my depression and anxiety from getting into a cycle that’s difficult to break out of.
Anyway, that was a week in lockdown: some routine and some different activities to mix things up. This seems to be the best approach for me. The routine is comforting but the variation keeps me from feeling like I’m in a time loop, living the same day over and over again.
I hope you’re all keeping safe and healthy in these times. I hope lockdown isn’t too traumatic for you and I’m sure you’re managing the best that you can.
Category: animals, covid-19 pandemic, emotions, meltdowns, mental health, music, therapy, trichotillomania, video Tagged: 365 days of kittens, a week in my life, anxiety, anxiety disorder, asd, autism, autism spectrum disorder, autistic adult, birthday, blog writing, blogger, blogging, cat, cat owner, cats, collaboration, concentration, coronavirus, covid-19, cowriting, dbt, decluttering, depression, dialectical behaviour therapy, diary, digital decluttering, disabled student allowance, dreams, dsa, facetime, family, feedback, focus, friends, hair pulling, headache, heatwave, ingrid andress, insomnia, journal, journaling, kalie shorr, kitten, kittens, laptop, little voice, lockdown, massage, medication, meltdown, messages, mum, music lesson, music lessons, music theory, musical theory, new laptop, newborn kittens, nightmare, nightmares, nikita, obsessive compulsive disorder, ocd, online therapy, pandemic, piano, pregabalin, quarantine, sara bareilles, singersongwriter, sleep, social distancing, social media, songwriting, therapy session, thunderstorm, trich, video calling, video calls, week in my life, writers block, writing, year of kittens
Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder, as well as several mental health issues. I’m a singersongwriter (and currently studying for a Masters in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is now available on iTunes and Spotify, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.
I’m currently releasing my first EP, Honest, track by track and all five songs are now available on all major music platforms. However, there’s still more content to come…