My When-I-Feel-Safe-Again List

I’ve seen a lot of people posting post-lockdown bucket lists recently and they’ve been really fun to see. It’s nice to see people excited about things. And it’s a nice reminder that there will be an end to this situation, to the restrictions, to the fear. I started writing my own post-lockdown bucket list but halfway through, I stopped and really thought about it all. I’ve mentioned before that I think the British government has handled this crisis appallingly and that I don’t believe that they’re acting in the best interest of the people; with the experts warning about a second wave, it seems incredibly irresponsible and actively negligent to start lifting lockdown. Me and my family have discussed this a lot and have decided to follow the scientific advice, rather than the government’s advice. So I changed my approach to the post and renamed it my ‘when I feel safe again’ list.

So these are the things I want to do as soon as it feels safe enough to do them:

  1. Hug people – I’m a hugger and I always have been so not being able to hug my loved ones has been really hard for me. I’m grateful for the technology that allows me to see them and for the restrictions loosening enough that I can even see a couple of them in real life but I really, really miss being able to hug people.
  2. Write songs with people – While it has technically been possible to cowrite using video calls (which I have done a couple of times), I do prefer writing in person. I find it more productive, more collaborative, and just more fun. So I’m really looking forward to hanging out with other writers, bouncing ideas back and forth, and writing songs I’m proud of.
  3. Hang out with people in real life – As I’ve already said, I’m grateful for the technology that has allowed me to stay in contact with my friends and family, some even in other countries, but I miss seeing people in real life. I find video calls exhausting: I’m sick of looking at and getting distracted by myself throughout conversations, I find the lack of background and body language frustrating, and the constant reminder of how different everything is really triggers my anxiety. So I can’t wait for normal life to resume enough that I can see my friends and family like I did before the pandemic.
  4. Go swimming – Swimming has always been my favourite form of exercise, as well as something I just generally enjoy. It makes me feel really good and an early morning swim always sets me up for a good day. I’m looking forward to starting my days that way again at some point.
  5. Go to concerts – This one is probably going to be a really long time in coming because of all the difficulties they pose (lack of social distancing, usually indoors, etc) but I’m looking forward to it nonetheless. Concerts make me feel alive and just fill me with complete joy and I miss that feeling. I miss seeing the artists that have had such an impact on me in real life and I miss celebrating the music I love with my friends and loved ones.
  6. Go on long drives listening to music – I’ve always loved getting in the car, settling in for the long haul, and blasting my favourite songs one after another until we (me and whoever I’m travelling with) arrive at our destination. It’s so fun to turn up the volume and sing along with all you’ve got and since there have been restrictions on the distances we can travel, I haven’t had one of those drives in a really long time. I didn’t realise how much I’ve missed them until I started making this list and now I’m just really looking forward to those drives again. I think that first one will probably be one to remember.
  7. Finish my bedroom – I’ve been using my time in lockdown to rearrange my room and make the most out of the space. I’ve managed to do a significant amount myself, with the help of online shopping and home delivery, but there are still several things I’d love to change that are best left to the professionals, something that obviously isn’t necessary and will therefore wait until it’s safe. Until then, I’m fine living in an unfinished space; I’ll just be really happy when it can all be finished.
  8. Go back to university – As stressful as my Masters can be, I love it and I really don’t want to finish it remotely, especially as it’s such a practical course. I’m aware (and terrified) of the warnings of a second wave but I really, really hope I’ll be able to complete the course at least partly in person. I really don’t want to do it all online and I really don’t want to defer. I love being part of a group: cowriting, sharing songs, and giving feedback. Plus I’m not sure how well I’ll be able to do with the pandemic hanging over my head and still significantly impacting my mental health.
  9. Get back to playing shows – This is another one that will definitely be a while but I love performing. It’s when I feel most truly myself and I get such a high, one that overpowers all the negative stuff. We don’t know what the music industry and performing opportunities for new artists are going to look like on the other side of this but I have to be optimistic that it will eventually start happening again, even if it does take some serious time.
  10. Get drunk with Richard – This is only a recent plan. I’ve never been a drinker, in large part because I’ve always been on medication that has strongly advised against consuming alcohol. I’m gonna do my research but I think it’ll probably be fine as long as I don’t go overboard. Richard and I were on FaceTime recently, complaining about missing each other, and I randomly suggested we get drunk when we can see each other again. These last months have been so… indescribably strange and hard and unpredictable so it feels kind of right to do something weird or at least out of the ordinary to mark our reunion. Richard described a Harry Potter drinking game to me; two ‘drink when…’s in and I was sold. So I’m looking forward to that.
  11. Getting my hair dyed professionally – While I’ll probably have my hair cut sooner than I wish I had to (there’s a real chance that that could help with my hair pulling, which is causing all sorts of other problems), I’m definitely waiting to have my hair coloured at the hairdressers until it feels safe and not irresponsible to do so. That’s not a reflection on my hairdressers because I truly don’t believe they’d open if they didn’t feel they could keep their staff and clients safe but with the amount of time it takes, I’d rather home dye my hair and keep the risks as minimal as possible.
  12. Do karaoke with my best friends from my course – On our last video call (after watching Isn’t It Romantic), me and my two best friends decided that we have to go and do karaoke together. I’ve always found the idea quite scary, like I’ll be judged for my song choices or for making mistakes, but with these girls, I just feel like I’ll have a complete blast (we’ve previously discussed having a learn-to-wear-high-heels-again party where we don’t actually leave the house but stumble around in our heels like baby giraffes until we remember how to do it). I don’t think this will be possible for a long time, with enclosed spaces and singing being two big risks of transmissions but we’ll get to do it eventually and until then, we can enjoy dreaming about it.

Ultimately, I’m looking forward to feeling safe again and the resulting relief for my mental health. My anxiety isn’t going to recede from its overwhelming levels until then and only then will I be able to function somewhat normally again. I hope.

19 for 2019 Reviewed

In January, I was inspired to try the 19 for 2019 challenge, setting myself nineteen goals to achieve by the end of the year. They didn’t have to be massive goals; they could be one off things to simply try. I was inspired so I came up with nineteen things and gave it a go. Unfortunately, I wasn’t aware of what a hell of a year I was about to experience.

  1. Stop pulling my hair out – Complicated. I’ve gone long stretches without pulling my hair out but then the stress induced habit has usually been replaced by another one. Right now I’m going through an incredibly stressful time and have recently started pulling again. Maybe next year’s the year.
  2. Read ten books – I read a handful of books early in the year but I didn’t really start to enjoy reading again until I read This Is Going To Hurt by Adam Kay. I devoured that: he has a beautifully personal writing style. Not long after that, I started my Masters Degree and I had an overly ambitious reading list so I read a lot. Plus, I had a phase of reading books from my childhood when I went through my bookshelf. So I definitely read more than ten books.
  3. Get a tattoo – I still haven’t managed to do this. I still like the thought of getting one and have multiple ideas but I really don’t like the way they blur over time. I don’t think I could bear to have a blurred tattoo on my body so I still haven’t gotten one.
  4. Continue swimming (or let it evolve) – There were periods of the year where I did manage this but sometimes the medication I was on meant I physically didn’t have the energy. And then when the kittens were born, I loved watching them in the early mornings, which was when I swam (before the gym got busy and stressful). Add in doing the Masters and what a drain on my energy that was, I haven’t been swimming half as much as I’d life. It’s definitely something I want to get back into in 2020.
  5. Write more songs – Given all the changes of medication (something that always seems to affect my songwriting) during the first six months or so of the year, I wasn’t able to write. I tried. I tried really hard and managed a few with the help of some wonderful cowriters. But now that I’m back on the Phenelzine, I am able to write again, alone and with others and I love it. For me, writing a song is the best feeling world; it’s feeling alive, it’s feeling connected to myself, to my soul, to the universe. It’s feeling real. So I’m writing again, as much as I’m able. And as I’ve started my MA, I’m writing for that too. I’m very aware of how much I’m learning and how much my songwriting is developing.
  6. Get my photo albums up to date – I did. And then they got out of date again. It was something I’d hoped to do over the Christmas break but I’ve literally been working on my assessments every single day. Fortunately my photos are well organised so when I have some time, it won’t be a terrifying task to attempt.
  7. Pursue the cause of my tiredness – I’ve tried. My god, I’ve tried. I’ve seen doctors and been to the Chronic Fatigue Clinic for a general session but that wasn’t at all helpful. I knew everything they told and have known for years and the other people there hadn’t been dealing with it for a fraction of the time I have been. So I didn’t feel very positive about that experience. I’m waiting for a follow up from them but I had no idea when that will be or how much it will help me.
  8. Improve my instrument skills – I barely did anything musical for a significant part of the year due to medication side effects and crushing depression so I’ve probably gone backwards in my instrumental skills. Having said that, I have been working on them since I started the Masters (particularly the piano so I didn’t have to carry a guitar up and down from London). So not a total loss. And hopefully this will continue as I continue with the Masters.
  9. Watch a meteor shower – In January actually, I did manage to catch a meteor shower and it was beautiful. I don’t think I’ll ever get over how magical meteors are; they’re just takes me breath away. And there was one huge one that streaked across the sky, like a knife cutting through the roof of a tent and letting in light. It was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen.
  10. Write more poetry – I did write a little poetry, but that was only during NaPoWriMo. Either my mental health was going down the drain or I was too busy writing songs for poetry. Why is there never enough time? Sometimes I feel like the world is moving really fast around me while I move at an ordinary speed.
  11. Finishing decorating and organising my room – I started to and then I somewhat undecorated it with the creation of the music video for my single, ‘Bad Night.’ While it’s mostly been returned to rights, there’s still some damage (a fist sized crack in the plaster that I haven’t gotten around to repairing). It’s just one of those things that’s always on the list but slips down to more urgent things. Hopefully I’ll get there at some point.
  12. Find an alcoholic drink I like – I’m now back on a medication that means I can’t really drink. The odd drink is fine but yeah, I can’t really drink. Before that though, I tried a lot of different types of alcohol and just really hated all of them. I also discovered that I’m allergic to limes, which are in a ridiculous amount of alcoholic drinks, including one that I actually did like. The one drink that I do enjoy is a passionfruit mojito even though it does contain lime extracts. So far, drinking them – and I’m not drinking them very often – doesn’t cause a reaction.
  13. Find a tea or coffee I like – Nope, they all still taste awful to me. I find it frustrating because drinking coffee is such a ‘normal’ thing and I feel like, having been denied so much by my Autism, it’s unfair that I don’t even get to be normal in this tiny way.
  14. Get invisible braces – Success! I was fitted for invisible braces and have received the first half of the set. I did really well at wearing them for a while but during the second half of the year, I haven’t done so well. It just felt like too much when I was struggling with serious anxiety. I’m hopeful that, with what seems like a less stressful semester starting January, I’ll be better at wearing them.
  15. Go rock climbing – Nope. I would’ve loved to but again, all the medication and energy stuff made that impossible. Another dream for another year.
  16. Participate in FAWM – I tried really, really hard to take part in February Album Writing Month but as it was (obviously) at the beginning of the year when I was trying different medications and therefore really struggling with my writing, I didn’t get far. I made several solid attempts and wrote several parts of songs but I didn’t manage to write even one full song.
  17. Participate in NaPoWriMo – Again, I tried and did write some poetry but nothing I was terribly enthused by. And I wasn’t particularly consistent and didn’t do it everyday but I tried. I tried.
  18. Donate blood again – I would’ve loved to have donated blood again but a lot of the medications made me ineligible to donate, which sucks because it’s something that’s really important me. So this is off the cards for the moment but as soon as it’s possible again, I’ll be back.
  19. Join the bone marrow register – Another one I’ve failed at. There’s just been too much health stuff and I’ve just been too unwell to think about it. Plus there were long stretches where I simply forgot. I want to do it so it will stay on the list until I manage it.

So it’s a pretty mixed bag and considering the year I had, I’m surprised I managed any of them at all. I’ve struggled throughout the year, especially recently, with how little I’m achieving and the frustration and anger and guilt that comes with that, that comes with living with mental health problems and a developmental disability. I’m trying to focus on the fact that, where I could, I tried. I tried to do as many of these things as possible.

Overall, an interesting challenge but I think I’ll try something different for 2020. I haven’t found the right kind of goal system yet so I’m just gonna have to keep looking and keep trying.