Finding HopeNovember 2023 in Photos
Posted on November 30, 2023
I really enjoyed doing the photo challenge in September so I couldn’t resist doing another one. It’s been a weird month though; I don’t know if I would’ve committed to it had I known what the month would hold, how exhausted and burned out I’d feel, but once I’d decided to do it, I had to follow through. Between how tired and how focussed on my current writing I’ve been, there haven’t been many opportunities to take unique or exciting photos but I’ve done my best. So here is my November 2023 in photos, as prompted by the Planner & Paper photo challenge on Instagram, Life in Pockets…
1. Thankful for…
How could I not be thankful for this gorgeous little bean? She’s soft and warm and snuggly and she adores me as much as I adore her.
2. Home Decor
My favourite room in my house is the living room and that is largely due to the fairy lights that we hung around the room a few years ago. They give the room a soft, warm glow and it always feel inviting and safe. Sometimes I put them on during the day, regardless of the light level, because it just gives me a little boost to look at them.
3. Selfie
I rarely take selfies anymore, especially alone. I just really don’t like looking at myself if I’m completely honest. But I have taken a few while holding Izzy, if she’s doing something particularly cute, like she did in this moment: falling asleep on my chest and tucking her face into my neck. It was too adorable not to take a photo of.
6. Home Project
I don’t have a home project exactly but my current self-care-craft-project-sort-of-thing is making bracelets, inspired by The Eras Tour. There’s just something really soothing about the repetitive motion, about making something – even something this simple – with my hands.
8. While I’m At Work
If I flip down the lid of my laptop where it sits on my little sofa table, this is my view: Izzy curled up on or against me, a cat or two on various soft surfaces, and sometimes my Mum working similarly. It’s a very companionable, pleasant way to work.
9. Something Not So Fun
After several days of feeling pretty unwell, I took a COVID test. I’d thought it was just exhaustion and over-exertion after a very intense week with a lot of travel and late nights but then I developed a sore throat so I took a test straight away. I don’t love the sensations involved with taking a test – I’m pretty used to them at this point – but then the first test came back void and I had to do it all again; I was not impressed by that and neither were my sore throat and sinuses. It was, of course, worth it: I was negative and while I still had to be careful – I was still sick after all – I was relieved that it wasn’t anything as serious as COVID.
10. Out The Window
Okay, I’m cheating a bit because I didn’t take this photo on the tenth but it is honestly the greatest thing I’ve ever seen outside of my house. How could I not share it?! Not only is the name hilarious for a waste clearance company, but the tag followed by the phone numbers is so fucking funny. Apparently The Lord of the Rings franchise have sent them cease and desist letters and they’re now in litigation: they have to change the colour if they want to keep everything else. That seems ridiculously petty – and pretty pathetic, lacking all sense of humour – for such a wealthy franchise. I’m glad they’re getting to keep everything but the colour because it genuinely made my day.
12. Your Choice!
We had our first evening at puppy school! We met some gorgeous puppies (I’m pretty sure Izzy is still the smallest though) and learned some basic skills, including settling on a blanket, recall training, and the beginnings of walking on a lead. Izzy was picking it up very quickly but she was definitely ready to go home at the end: concentrating for that long was understandably hard for a young puppy and she was quite clearly getting overwhelmed by all of the other dogs. She’s really good at meeting new people but meeting dogs makes her anxious, which doesn’t really surprise me since almost all of them are bigger than her. Anyway, she did well and we have some exercises to practice before next week’s class.
15. A Hug
That day I was working at home, alone, all day so there was no one to hug. Well, no people. Izzy was very snuggly and, as afternoon turned into evening, she climbed on top of me – while I was sitting at my laptop – and curled up on my shoulder. I ended up sliding down to accommodate her and she fell asleep like that. It was so cute that I couldn’t help myself: I stopped working and just stroked her, almost drifting off myself.
17. Your Choice!
I had a session with Richard – Richard Marc, one of my best friends and favourite cowriters, as well as my producer – and we worked on some of the songs for my next project. I’m so excited about it and so keen to get it out in the world; I’m trying my hardest not to let my passion for it burn me out before that point BUT I’M JUST SO EXCITED.
18. Comfy
I feel so lucky that Izzy and I have such a strong, close bond and that she wants to spend so much time as close to me as possible. It’s so cute and I always feel better for it. An extra joy of it is that I catch every adorable or ridiculous position that she adopts, like this snuggle with her toy elephant, Nellie.
21. Preparation
While I love the flexibility of my bullet journal – how I can customise it to exactly what I want or need – drawing it out every month can get a bit tedious. And it doesn’t help that Izzy keeps stealing my pens and then chewing them to death. But it can be quite meditative, if I haven’t left it to the absolute last minute that is.
23. Thankful
The night before, I played a set at a local gig and I had such a good time. As anxious as I can get beforehand and despite how much pain I tend to find myself in afterwards, I love performing so much. I love playing the songs I’ve written – songs that I love so deeply – and sharing them with new people. And it’s so special when people reach out to tell me why they connect to them. Even though I often struggle with not being further along the path than I am, I’m so thankful that I get to do this at all. There’s nothing I love more.
24. Family
Given that my actual family is somewhat scattered at the moment, I thought I’d post about my cats, my gorgeous family of cats. I haven’t seen as much of them as usual because all but Lucy are keeping their distance, still wary of Izzy; Lucy isn’t phased but then she has already bent Izzy to her will. The others are getting bolder but it’s a slow process. At this time of year, they’d usually be draped around the living room so I am really missing them, just having them around. So this little moment with all of them was very nice.
25. Sleep
God, I’ve been so tired this month. I’ve been falling asleep constantly, regardless of where I’m sitting or what I’m doing (now if only I could sleep properly at night). And Izzy, the little sweetheart that she is, is always desperate to snuggle up, to get as close as possible. Hence these pictures. And while they’re very cute, she does actually help me sleep; soft and warm and breathing steadily, she’s better than any weighted blanket.
26. Self Care
While going to the pool for a swim and my hydrotherapy exercises is good for my body, it’s also really good for my mental state. I know that a big part of that will be due to the endorphins from the exercise but I do think that there’s more to it: I’ve always loved the feeling of being in the water but it’s also such a relief to be able to move around without pain, something that just feels so glorious and freeing. I think there’s also some self esteem stuff going on, being able to exercise and get stronger after feeling so physically incapable and broken. But now I’m actually getting fitter and stronger, which I feared I would never be able to do without serious discomfort, pain, and distress. So the pool represents a lot of things to me and swimming really lifts my mood.
27. Weather
We’ve had some amazing weather recently, from glorious sunshine to torrential rain. I’ve seen multiple rainbows and several beautiful sunsets. It’s been a stunning November. This was my second favourite sunset, recently at least.
30. Self Care
While spending time with my cats is always good for my soul, it’s particularly special right now: the cats have – unsurprisingly – been avoiding the whirlwind that is Izzy and, since she’s usually with me, I haven’t been seeing them much. Not to snuggle with, at least. But they are getting braver and although Lucy doesn’t take any shit from her, she’s reluctant to get close enough to me to cuddle if Izzy’s around. But there have been a couple of occasions recently – when Izzy has been hanging out with Mum – where Lucy has taken advantage of the moment and curled up with me, which have just been gorgeous. Running my hands through her fur and listening to her purring, I can feel an internal meter filling up.
* Bonus: In The Distance
Up in London, I was walking back along the Southbank and everything was lit up and beautiful. The London Eye usually is, as far as I know but the lights in the trees and between buildings were stunning and there’s different pieces of art and installations everywhere. I love it.
As well as the lights in these pictures, there was a strip of rainbow neon along the bridge and there were lights spelling out ‘PROUD’ underneath, visible to boats and people walking by. I tried to get a picture but I couldn’t get anything unobstructed by various parts of the bridge.
Unsurprisingly, this month’s photos feature Izzy heavily: between all of the time I’ve spent writing, sitting at my laptop with Izzy curled up against me, and the fact that she’s still very young and thus needs a lot of supervision, she’s been a very obvious subject for my photos. I also haven’t done much outside my normal routine this month – having had so much work to do and having felt so tired and burned out – so there haven’t been many exciting opportunities for new and interesting pictures. But, as I said, I tried my best and hopefully the adorable puppy pictures make up for the lack of variation…
Changing Therapist
Posted on November 5, 2023
TW: Mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts and urges.
It’s been a year since I started therapy again after an unintentional break, essentially starting again with a new therapist. It’s been a hard and emotional process, and at times a distressing one; just going to therapy can make you feel so vulnerable and so open to further hurt as you dig into the hard stuff – wading into dark waters that you’d rather ignore and pretend don’t exist, even as they’re eroding your mental health – that adding difficulties to that already difficult thing can feel unfairly cruel. So, given that I’m me, I thought that, perhaps, writing about it might be helpful and maybe not just for me but for anyone going through a similar transition. And if not helpful, then hopefully validating in some way.
I’d been seeing Therapist A for almost seven years when everything changed. She was taking leave and I was on my own.
Pre-2021, I’d seen Therapist A once or twice a week pretty consistently since early 2016. Even when the UK went into lockdown due to COVID-19 at the beginning of 2020, we continued our sessions online; I didn’t find them as productive but it was better than nothing. We continued that way for a while, trying to manage my crippling anxiety over the pandemic, working on issues that came up as I persisted with my now online Masters classes, and continuing to work on the issues that had landed me in therapy in the first place. But then the schedule began to slip: Therapist A’s home life was pulling her away from work and I was working myself into the ground in order to complete the final project of my Masters. I barely saw her in the last four months of the course, which I really struggled with: I was digging into some pretty hard stuff, writing song after song about my experience of being autistic, and I craved that safe space to play them to her, to hear her perspective on what I was saying, talk about the feelings they were bringing up, and she wasn’t there. I told myself that it was a short term thing and that, once the Masters was over and her stuff was resolved, the schedule of our sessions would go back to normal. I think it’s safe to say that, given the title of this post, it didn’t.
I finished the Masters in September 2021 and officially graduated, walking the stage, a few months later in November. I had reduced and stopped taking Phenelzine at this point, in preparation for trying ADHD meds (and we all know how appallingly that went), and my depression was creeping back in; the situation was getting pretty desperate. But luckily, that was when Therapist A reached out and we started having sessions again. We had a lot of catching up to do but, by mid-December, we were up to date. Unfortunately, the ADHD medication was already hitting me hard and my depression had gone from a state I recognised to a whole new level of despair with increasingly overwhelming suicidal thoughts. My most vivid memory from that time is sitting in Therapist A’s new office, staring at the unfamiliar rug and hearing my voice in my ears as I confessed to those thoughts, my voice completely flat (this is known as ‘flat affect,’ a recognised symptom of depression and other mental health conditions). It still makes me nauseous to think about, even though so much time has passed and my depression has gotten so much worse since; I think, in my head, that was the beginning of this awful, awful time.
My last session was on New Years Eve and I was drowning, all of the impending new beginnings feeling more like a threat than a promise. When we hung up, I felt achingly hollow and that was only the beginning of a terrible night. But that’s a story for another time. January was passing around me, aimless and anxious, when I finally heard from Therapist A. But instead of setting up our next session, she was letting me know that she was taking leave indefinitely. Her reasons aren’t mine to tell but, between those, my ongoing abandonment issues, and my overwhelmingly bad mental health, I was devastated, spiralling into some grotesque hybrid of a meltdown and a panic attack that went on for hours: I screamed, I cried, I scratched at my face, I tore at my hair, I shrieked like an animal in pain. I guess that’s what I was. I felt like I was trying to exorcise a corrosive demon from my body but nothing helped, nothing alleviated the pain. I was shattered as brutally as if I’d been hit by a wrecking ball. That’s what it felt like, what my life felt like.
Eventually I physically ran out of energy and fell asleep, too tired and emotionally drained to even engage with the world. My depression became more and more overwhelming, compounded by the devastating effects of the ADHD medications and the loss of a massive source of support in my life, and, for months afterwards, I barely got out of bed, barely ate, barely talked. I abandoned social media and I avoided mirrors at every opportunity, to the point where I started to forget what I looked like. The suicidal thoughts were only getting stronger, stronger than they’d ever been in my life, and the feeling of being intrinsically, irreparably broken was – and is – a constant weight in my chest.
I’m not sure when or why I started getting out of bed, why I decided that I needed to go back to therapy. I think I knew I was getting into a very precarious position mentally and the excruciating pain of being inside my head was getting so unbearable that I was willing to do anything to lessen the pressure. I did see a consultant at the local mental health unit but the experience was another traumatic one: after a panic attack at the front door, a junior doctor took my history and then brought in the consultant who told me about ECT and the Ketamine trials before telling me why I shouldn’t do them and recommending doing more of the things I love (which I’d already told him I couldn’t engage with because I was so depressed). So that didn’t improve my relationship with doctors and the medical profession.
For a short while, I worked with a therapist I’d met several years previously but the sessions only made me feel worse and while I have no doubt that it wasn’t intentional, I ended up feeling more broken and more traumatised by some of the things he said, trauma that I’m still carrying around with me. So I stopped seeing him and met with several new therapists, trying to get a feel for them and their methods before committing to someone new. But, just like with Therapist A, Therapist B was the first of the group that I met (a year ago yesterday, I believe) and between her therapeutic approach, her personality, and the fact that she’d brought along a dog she knew in order to put me at ease, she was the obvious choice.
As therapists, they both trained in several of the same disciplines and their skillsets overlap to a certain degree but, when discussing a particular issue, there were differences to how they’d approach it; there has been a fair amount of whiplash in getting use to Therapist B’s approach after so many years with Therapist A. But the point of this post isn’t to compare them – they’re both lovely people and very good at what they do, at least as far as I can tell – but rather to reflect on the process of moving from one to another and the feelings that that kicked up. And a lot of feelings there were – I even wrote a song about it called ‘Grave Digger.’ During the early sessions with Therapist B, we made a timeline of my life and discussed some of the biggest moments, many of which were difficult and distressing (and remain so to this day). Revisiting and recounting the hardest parts of my life was gruelling but I did my best to push through the internal resistance and breathe through the resulting turmoil; between that and the ongoing mental anguish, it was a difficult few months. I don’t mean to make it sound like one continuous torture because that isn’t true -we’ve talked about the good experiences that’ve made me who I am, of course, and there have been sessions where we’ve laughed a lot – but I think that building a strong relationship with a therapist and making progress will always involve periods of incredible vulnerability, which is always scary and, at times, painful.
Sometimes – okay, often – I feel like I’m not making any progress at all, partly because of all the disruption and the distress it’s caused. A year ago, I hadn’t expected to see 2023 and my depression and chronic suicidal thoughts haven’t lessened, even though I am taking Phenelzine again (at a higher dose, in fact) – after many discussions with Therapist B. It has made me more functional, to a certain degree, but the decision came with a price tag: my self harming escalated from cutting my arm to cutting my face. I’m not convinced anything’s changed; I don’t feel any better. But I can see that some things have changed and changed for the better, even though I can’t feel the effects yet: something has allowed me to start talking about some of the worst stuff in my brain, even if only a little. It’s something I could never have imagined doing so I know that that’s progress, even though I struggle to feel it.
I have heard from Therapist A several times now; the news has generally been positive, which has been a great relief (and I appreciate having a little less uncertainty in my life). Therapy is continuing as normal – the current version of normal at least – which I’m pretty sure is a good thing: the idea of trying to work my way through all of the emotions that I know would come up as a result of any potential change makes me feel physically nauseous.
I’m not always convinced that I’ve adjusted and sometimes I forget that I’m not going to see Therapist A, my body moving in the direction of that office as the car turns down a different road; that experience is more ingrained than I had realised at the time. And I know I’m still carrying a lot of hurt and anger over the whole thing, even though over a year has passed. I’m not angry at the people involved – nobody chose any of this – but there is anger and, although I’ve been slower to realise it, hurt too. I think it’s easier to be angry than to be hurt. Not always but sometimes. And, as I said, I have abandonment issues, issues that I’ve struggled with for a long time, which – unsurprisingly – have been exacerbated by this whole thing. It’s hard to lose someone that you trusted to never leave (a naïve ideal, I know) and it’s hard to trust someone new, ignoring the whispers that they’re just another person who will inevitably walk away. I think these issues are important to mention but they probably need their own blog post rather than taking up space here: when talking about changing therapists, it’s not something that everyone has mixed into the equation. All of that said, I’m trying to trust and I think that, for the most part, I am, even if it does sometimes feel like a conscious, concentrated effort. The progress isn’t as fast as I’d hoped it would be when I committed to therapy again last year but the proof is there. I’m sharing things I never thought I’d share and that’s certainly not nothing.
September 2023 in Photos
Posted on October 1, 2023
It’s been ages since I did a photo challenge and I’ve always really enjoyed them so I thought it was about time I revisited the practice. So here we are. This is my September, guided by the Planner & Paper photo challenge on Instagram, Life in Pockets…
Day 1 – Wardrobe Change
Given that the weather hasn’t changed yet, my wardrobe hasn’t really changed. It was a really warm day but I don’t like being uncovered: it makes me feel really exposed and vulnerable. I did wear my brown ankle boots, which I don’t usually wear; they’ve been all but living in my wardrobe up until now but I like them too much to let them just gather dust.
Day 3 – Your Choice!
My Mum bought a new toy for the cats and they were big fans, of the catnip at the very least. It wasn’t long before they were all rolling around on the rug, blissed out on catnip. It was very cute. We don’t usually get all of them inside together at this time of year; they’re usually stretched out in the garden, either in the sun or the shade depending on their preference moment to moment. It’s very cute but it was delightful to have them all back in for while, even if only for a little while.
Day 4 – Listening To
I’m obsessed with The Good Witch by Maisie Peters and have been listening to it on repeat since it came out. I absolutely love pretty much all of them – picking a favourite is actually impossible – but I’ve been having a great time singing along to this song, ‘BSC,’ recently. Maybe because there’s a certain person I’ve been talking about in therapy that I’m reminded of when I sing some of the lyrics to this song. I love the chorus: it’s such a true, relatable, hilarious-but-still-kind-of-heartbreaking statement so succinctly put. Her songwriting is SO clever and I always lose my mind over the genius lyrics like, ‘Mister “I don’t want a label” / You made me ‘Little Miss Unstable.” I also absolutely love the bridge: ‘I am unhinged / I am scaling all these walls I’ve gone within / I am both Kathy Bates and Stephen King / I can write you out the way I wrote you in.’ That last line is so empowering and I think that being a writer myself makes me love it even more. ‘I am unhinged’ is just hilarious and so relatable and ‘I am both Kathy Bates and Stephen King’ is so freaking clever. I could honestly talk about these songs for HOURS.
Day 5 – Cozy
I didn’t take a picture for this one but I wanted to include it here because I find it so hilarious. Here in the UK, we’re experiencing a heatwave and oh my god, the idea of cozy is just so far from my mind; all I want is to cool down. I’m melting in this heat. And suffocating in the humidity.
Day 7 – Reading
I started out listening to this book on my phone, passing the time on a long drive, but ended up continuing it in physical form; I prefer physical books to audiobooks for reading but I can’t deny the convenience of audiobooks when in the car or when swimming, for example. I really enjoyed This Is Going to Hurt so I was keen to read Undoctored. So far I’m really enjoying it; I really like the way Adam Kay writes and he’s utterly hilarious.
Day 8 – On The TV
My Mum and I are currently watching the second series of Annika. My whole family LOVES Nicola Walker and I would honestly watch the worst show ever just for her. This certainly isn’t the worst show. It’s pretty lighthearted most of the time with some heavy moments and Nicola Walker’s character, Annika, is hilarious and awkward in a really endearing way. She’s a mess but all of her relationships with her family and friends and colleagues are really lovely and I honestly never want this show to end; it’s really nice to see her play a character who isn’t deeply and consistently traumatised, as most of her characters seem to be. It also seems like a really fun show to be on, which just adds to the enjoyment of it.
Day 10 – Sunday’s Are For…
In theory, I like Sunday to be for collecting myself for the coming week, recuperating, and doing my favourite things. Having said that, I’m usually frantically busy trying to catch up with things from the previous week before they spill into the next week. This Sunday, however, I was able to just dedicate my time to practicing for the show I’m playing on Wednesday and spend time with Izzy, our brand new puppy: playing when she was awake and snuggling as she slept. It was a very pleasant day.
Day 12 – Below
I had no idea what to do for this prompt until we got Izzy. I keep picking her up like this because she’s just so adorable and so chilled out, when she’s sleepy at least. And she looks so ridiculously cute. As she always does. All the time. It’s very distracting.
Day 13 – From Behind
I mean, with ears this spectacular, how could I take a photo of anything else for this prompt?
Day 15 – Boots
My favourite pair of boots, and the ones I wear practically everyday, are Sorel Joan of Arc lace up boots. They’re the same boots that Daisy Johnson in Agents of Shield wears a lot, especially during Season 2. I always thought they looked super cool and the fact that she was wearing them was an added bonus. They’re really comfortable, they look cool, and I feel like a superhero when I wear them. Is it any wonder I wear them all the time?
Day 17 – Time Alone
Right now, all of my ‘alone time’ is actually ‘Izzy time.’ I’m either playing with her and keeping her occupied so that she doesn’t get into anything she shouldn’t or I’m sitting with her while she naps. Sometimes I try and get stuff done while she sleeps but sometimes all I can do is sit and adore her; the fact that she’s actually real, that this absolutely gorgeous little creature is mine to love is still kind of overwhelming and I just find the time disappearing as I stroke her and cuddle her.
Day 18 – Something Brown
I could’ve easily stuck another puppy picture here but I thought I’d try and come up with something a little more interesting, for one day at least. There’s no such thing as too many pictures of this puppy. So here is my beloved guitar, an electro-acoustic Taylor that I got during my first year at university. It has the most gorgeous sound and I honestly have no desire to ever get a new one, even if I could afford to get a ‘better’ one. This one just sounds and feels so beautiful; it feels like an extension of me, and of my songwriting.
Day 19 – Something For You
A couple of months ago, I ordered this necklace from Etsy. I’ve been looking for one like it for years and having finally found it, I didn’t want it to slip away again – I’ve let that happen far too many times. I have such anxiety around money that I struggle with spending it on myself when there isn’t a ‘productive’ purpose (like learning a new skill) but I’ve been working so hard at my physiotherapy and hydrotherapy that I said, ‘fuck it,’ and bought the necklace. I can get my head around a little reward for over a year’s worth of hard work.
Day 20 – Selfie
I did it for the challenge but I really don’t like taking selfies. I can just about manage selfies if they’re with people or as part of a special event or at a specific place but I’m rarely happy with how I look in them. I think a big part of that is that I’m masking really hard in order for the photo to be a good one and so I think I just don’t end up looking like myself. I like candids because they’re in the moment and honest and real. But, as I said, I have obliged for the challenge.
Day 23 – Lazy Afternoon
Lucy was certainly having a lazy afternoon (while I was busy working away). Of all of the cats, she’s the most unfazed by Izzy’s appearance: she’s not thrilled and they’re not playing (yet?) but Lucy will chill out in the same room and will engage with her to a limited extent. Having said that, she’s not shy about giving Izzy a swipe if Izzy gets overexcited and ends up swerving too close to her. The other cats have barely managed five minutes in the same room; I have to hope that they’ll get used to her over time, especially as she learns what to do and what not to do. Anyway, as well as Lucy’s handling the Izzy situation, she’s happiest when Izzy is downstairs and she can just relax without having to worry that Izzy might bound over to her at any second. So this was a thoroughly blissed out moment, unbothered by a tiny canine.
Day 25 – 11am
This is my physio set up, just before I ran through my personal exercise plan. I feel very lucky to be able to work with a physiotherapist and not just a physiotherapist but an excellent physiotherapist who has a really good, working understanding of Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I’ve been working with her for a few months now and have a series of exercises that take about fifteen minutes to do, trying to strengthen and stabilise my body. As of earlier this week, we cut one exercise and added two new ones for my elbow and shoulder because I’ve been experiencing serious pain in them for a really long time now. So I’m still getting to grips with those. Although, having said that, my arm has been sore as a result of my recent COVID jab (my fourth, I think) so I haven’t managed as much as I usually do. If it follows the same pattern as the others, it’ll be fine in a couple of days and I’ll be able to work at normal capacity again.
Day 28 – Book Review
I love Trista Mateer’s poetry and I loved her previous book, Aphrodite Made Me Do It. I loved Artemis Made Me Do It even more. I read it in less than twenty-four hours, folding a ridiculous number of page corners. Her poetry is so visceral, like the earth just spits it out; it’s beautiful and delicate and brutal and fierce and I feel like I could write a song inspired by every poem. I really loved it and I can’t wait to read the next one in the series.
Day 29 – Weather
My birthday was on the 29th and part of that involved doing this really amazing Equine Facilitated Learning session about building confidence and assertiveness so I spent the morning in a field, working with three gorgeous horses. It was a bit chilly but a beautiful day with warming sunshine and big blue skies. It was a good day.
Day 30 – Self Care
One of the things that makes me feel like my best self – physically, mentally, and emotionally – is swimming. And, near where I live, the pool does this awesome thing on weekend evenings where they turn off the main lights and place a few lanterns around, basically lighting the space with the pool lights. They keep the number of people to two per lane so it never feels crowded or cramped and they play music to minimise the potential echoes in the room. All in all, it’s a really amazing way to swim and such a soothing experience, especially for someone like me who often finds swimming pools overwhelming and overstimulating. I’ve always loved swimming so I’ve put up with it, trying to find the quietest times to swim at whatever pool I’m going to but this is just amazing. It’s my favourite place to swim and I never get tired of it. I feel very lucky to have discovered it and to have pretty regular access to it.
I didn’t manage to take photos every day: sometimes I was too busy, sometimes I forgot, and sometimes nothing about the day matched the prompt (like ‘cozy’ in a heatwave or ‘fall leaves’ when we don’t have anything resembling autumn yet). I also didn’t do the bucket list because I find that they trigger my anxiety at the moment. But on the whole, it was really fun to document my days with photos again. I have a fair amount of fun things coming up over the next couple of months so I wouldn’t be surprised if I find myself doing another challenge sooner rather than later.
Finding Hope 