Finding HopeNovember 2023 in Photos
Posted on November 30, 2023
I really enjoyed doing the photo challenge in September so I couldn’t resist doing another one. It’s been a weird month though; I don’t know if I would’ve committed to it had I known what the month would hold, how exhausted and burned out I’d feel, but once I’d decided to do it, I had to follow through. Between how tired and how focussed on my current writing I’ve been, there haven’t been many opportunities to take unique or exciting photos but I’ve done my best. So here is my November 2023 in photos, as prompted by the Planner & Paper photo challenge on Instagram, Life in Pockets…
1. Thankful for…
How could I not be thankful for this gorgeous little bean? She’s soft and warm and snuggly and she adores me as much as I adore her.
2. Home Decor
My favourite room in my house is the living room and that is largely due to the fairy lights that we hung around the room a few years ago. They give the room a soft, warm glow and it always feel inviting and safe. Sometimes I put them on during the day, regardless of the light level, because it just gives me a little boost to look at them.
3. Selfie
I rarely take selfies anymore, especially alone. I just really don’t like looking at myself if I’m completely honest. But I have taken a few while holding Izzy, if she’s doing something particularly cute, like she did in this moment: falling asleep on my chest and tucking her face into my neck. It was too adorable not to take a photo of.
6. Home Project
I don’t have a home project exactly but my current self-care-craft-project-sort-of-thing is making bracelets, inspired by The Eras Tour. There’s just something really soothing about the repetitive motion, about making something – even something this simple – with my hands.
8. While I’m At Work
If I flip down the lid of my laptop where it sits on my little sofa table, this is my view: Izzy curled up on or against me, a cat or two on various soft surfaces, and sometimes my Mum working similarly. It’s a very companionable, pleasant way to work.
9. Something Not So Fun
After several days of feeling pretty unwell, I took a COVID test. I’d thought it was just exhaustion and over-exertion after a very intense week with a lot of travel and late nights but then I developed a sore throat so I took a test straight away. I don’t love the sensations involved with taking a test – I’m pretty used to them at this point – but then the first test came back void and I had to do it all again; I was not impressed by that and neither were my sore throat and sinuses. It was, of course, worth it: I was negative and while I still had to be careful – I was still sick after all – I was relieved that it wasn’t anything as serious as COVID.
10. Out The Window
Okay, I’m cheating a bit because I didn’t take this photo on the tenth but it is honestly the greatest thing I’ve ever seen outside of my house. How could I not share it?! Not only is the name hilarious for a waste clearance company, but the tag followed by the phone numbers is so fucking funny. Apparently The Lord of the Rings franchise have sent them cease and desist letters and they’re now in litigation: they have to change the colour if they want to keep everything else. That seems ridiculously petty – and pretty pathetic, lacking all sense of humour – for such a wealthy franchise. I’m glad they’re getting to keep everything but the colour because it genuinely made my day.
12. Your Choice!
We had our first evening at puppy school! We met some gorgeous puppies (I’m pretty sure Izzy is still the smallest though) and learned some basic skills, including settling on a blanket, recall training, and the beginnings of walking on a lead. Izzy was picking it up very quickly but she was definitely ready to go home at the end: concentrating for that long was understandably hard for a young puppy and she was quite clearly getting overwhelmed by all of the other dogs. She’s really good at meeting new people but meeting dogs makes her anxious, which doesn’t really surprise me since almost all of them are bigger than her. Anyway, she did well and we have some exercises to practice before next week’s class.
15. A Hug
That day I was working at home, alone, all day so there was no one to hug. Well, no people. Izzy was very snuggly and, as afternoon turned into evening, she climbed on top of me – while I was sitting at my laptop – and curled up on my shoulder. I ended up sliding down to accommodate her and she fell asleep like that. It was so cute that I couldn’t help myself: I stopped working and just stroked her, almost drifting off myself.
17. Your Choice!
I had a session with Richard – Richard Marc, one of my best friends and favourite cowriters, as well as my producer – and we worked on some of the songs for my next project. I’m so excited about it and so keen to get it out in the world; I’m trying my hardest not to let my passion for it burn me out before that point BUT I’M JUST SO EXCITED.
18. Comfy
I feel so lucky that Izzy and I have such a strong, close bond and that she wants to spend so much time as close to me as possible. It’s so cute and I always feel better for it. An extra joy of it is that I catch every adorable or ridiculous position that she adopts, like this snuggle with her toy elephant, Nellie.
21. Preparation
While I love the flexibility of my bullet journal – how I can customise it to exactly what I want or need – drawing it out every month can get a bit tedious. And it doesn’t help that Izzy keeps stealing my pens and then chewing them to death. But it can be quite meditative, if I haven’t left it to the absolute last minute that is.
23. Thankful
The night before, I played a set at a local gig and I had such a good time. As anxious as I can get beforehand and despite how much pain I tend to find myself in afterwards, I love performing so much. I love playing the songs I’ve written – songs that I love so deeply – and sharing them with new people. And it’s so special when people reach out to tell me why they connect to them. Even though I often struggle with not being further along the path than I am, I’m so thankful that I get to do this at all. There’s nothing I love more.
24. Family
Given that my actual family is somewhat scattered at the moment, I thought I’d post about my cats, my gorgeous family of cats. I haven’t seen as much of them as usual because all but Lucy are keeping their distance, still wary of Izzy; Lucy isn’t phased but then she has already bent Izzy to her will. The others are getting bolder but it’s a slow process. At this time of year, they’d usually be draped around the living room so I am really missing them, just having them around. So this little moment with all of them was very nice.
25. Sleep
God, I’ve been so tired this month. I’ve been falling asleep constantly, regardless of where I’m sitting or what I’m doing (now if only I could sleep properly at night). And Izzy, the little sweetheart that she is, is always desperate to snuggle up, to get as close as possible. Hence these pictures. And while they’re very cute, she does actually help me sleep; soft and warm and breathing steadily, she’s better than any weighted blanket.
26. Self Care
While going to the pool for a swim and my hydrotherapy exercises is good for my body, it’s also really good for my mental state. I know that a big part of that will be due to the endorphins from the exercise but I do think that there’s more to it: I’ve always loved the feeling of being in the water but it’s also such a relief to be able to move around without pain, something that just feels so glorious and freeing. I think there’s also some self esteem stuff going on, being able to exercise and get stronger after feeling so physically incapable and broken. But now I’m actually getting fitter and stronger, which I feared I would never be able to do without serious discomfort, pain, and distress. So the pool represents a lot of things to me and swimming really lifts my mood.
27. Weather
We’ve had some amazing weather recently, from glorious sunshine to torrential rain. I’ve seen multiple rainbows and several beautiful sunsets. It’s been a stunning November. This was my second favourite sunset, recently at least.
30. Self Care
While spending time with my cats is always good for my soul, it’s particularly special right now: the cats have – unsurprisingly – been avoiding the whirlwind that is Izzy and, since she’s usually with me, I haven’t been seeing them much. Not to snuggle with, at least. But they are getting braver and although Lucy doesn’t take any shit from her, she’s reluctant to get close enough to me to cuddle if Izzy’s around. But there have been a couple of occasions recently – when Izzy has been hanging out with Mum – where Lucy has taken advantage of the moment and curled up with me, which have just been gorgeous. Running my hands through her fur and listening to her purring, I can feel an internal meter filling up.
* Bonus: In The Distance
Up in London, I was walking back along the Southbank and everything was lit up and beautiful. The London Eye usually is, as far as I know but the lights in the trees and between buildings were stunning and there’s different pieces of art and installations everywhere. I love it.
As well as the lights in these pictures, there was a strip of rainbow neon along the bridge and there were lights spelling out ‘PROUD’ underneath, visible to boats and people walking by. I tried to get a picture but I couldn’t get anything unobstructed by various parts of the bridge.
Unsurprisingly, this month’s photos feature Izzy heavily: between all of the time I’ve spent writing, sitting at my laptop with Izzy curled up against me, and the fact that she’s still very young and thus needs a lot of supervision, she’s been a very obvious subject for my photos. I also haven’t done much outside my normal routine this month – having had so much work to do and having felt so tired and burned out – so there haven’t been many exciting opportunities for new and interesting pictures. But, as I said, I tried my best and hopefully the adorable puppy pictures make up for the lack of variation…
Everyday Essentials
Posted on July 1, 2023
Given my health situation – living with multiple chronic illnesses that require daily management – I thought it might be interesting to make a list of the things I need and use everyday and maybe if any of you guys live with chronic illnesses, you could compare it to what you use. Are these things helpful to you? Might they be? Are there things that are helpful to you that aren’t on this list?
GLASSES – This is a pretty obvious one. I can’t see three feet in front of my face without them; I am incredibly short-sighted. Both of my biological parents are or were short sighted and I believe that certain forms of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS) can affect your eyesight. Regardless, I’m not going anywhere without my glasses.
MEDICATION – I have certain medications that I have to take everyday, as well as some that are situation dependent. The most important are my anti-depressant, Phenelzine, and the beta-blocker, Propranolol, and I really feel it if I don’t take them; while it took them a while to take effect at the beginning, it can through everything off course if I miss a day. So taking your meds… very important!
PAINKILLERS – Okay, this isn’t an everyday occurrence but it’s very common, especially at the moment (I hurt my back about a month ago – a story for another time). I have them on me all the time and I regret it if I don’t. Pain can be so debilitating and if I don’t have something to manage them, if only to get home, then I’m in really trouble. I also get migraines that absolutely incapacitate me so having the pills that help with those is vital. I often feel like a walking pharmacy but I’ve learned the hard way – several times – that it’s better to be prepared.
LOTS OF WATER – Generally, none of us are drinking enough water but as a person with Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), I’m sure I’m not, as hard as I try. When I was diagnosed, the recommendation was that I drink more than double what a person without hEDS is supposed to drink (x); I’ve been trying to build up my water intake but it’s a slow process. I also have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), which often occurs with hEDS, and includes symptoms like dizziness, light-headedness, swelling in the legs after standing for short periods of time, palpitations, fainting, and more, all of which can increase in intensity when a person is dehydrated, after exercising, or during hot weather (I want to write a more in depth post about all of this when I have more time). Dehydration has also been linked to an increase in pain sensitivity (x). Increasing water intake has proven to help POTS symptoms so I’m doing my best to always have water with me (or cordial if the taste of water becomes a struggle, something my nutritionist okayed, given that I’d still be getting the fluids) and I think it’s helping me to drink more (x). It’s surprisingly hard though, to drink that much water.
MY PHONE – I know that many people talk about needing breaks and time away from their phones but, in general, having my phone around is more helpful than it isn’t. I find social media pretty triggering for my anxiety so I rarely find myself scrolling through Facebook or Twitter or Instagram (and I hate TikTok more than I can even articulate) whereas I find the apps for setting alarms and timers helpful, Duolingo really good for my anxiety (and mental health in general), and the Notes app vital to writing down thoughts and ideas to follow up on. I do find it stressful that it means anyone has access to me, can contact me whenever they want, but then Airplane Mode is right there… But generally, my phone is more helpful than not.
MY BULLET JOURNAL – Between my ADHD and my general anxiety about being organised, my bullet journal (or what began as a bullet journal and has evolved into a more personalised version of the system) is all but permanently attached to me. It has my list of commitments, the list of things I want to get done during the day, and anything else that might be relevant, like stuff to do with the cats or the house. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without it.
FIDGET TOYS – My hair pulling has been particularly bad recently (plus I’ve seriously struggled with chewing the callouses on my fingertips and tearing at a scar on my face) and after years of dealing with it, I have a slightly ridiculous collection of fidget toys that I rotate using as the urge to pull varies; sometimes certain fidgets are more effective than others. So I usually have at least within reach, whether that’s wherever I am or in my bag.
NOISE-CANCELLING HEADPHONES – Having had some very unpleasant experiences with just how loud the world is (you may remember this particular disaster), I got an amazing set of noise-cancelling headphones that have made navigating my hometown, London, transport systems, etc so much easier. I’ve recommended them to multiple people and those who got them have agreed that they make life – and all of its noise – a lot more manageable.
FACE MASK AND HAND SANITISER – I know that, for a lot of people, it feels like the pandemic has ended but, for many, many others, it hasn’t. I know immunocompromised people, those struggling with Long COVID, people who are still getting COVID and getting seriously sick so it certainly doesn’t feel over to me. If I’m out, I’m pretty neurotic about hand sanitiser and wearing a mask; I’m not perfect and I do sometimes forget, especially if I’m feeling overwhelmed in a social situation and there’s no prompt of other people wearing masks, but I’m still pretty on the case about it all.
A HIDDEN DISABILITIES SUNFLOWER LANYARD – I’m not sure when I first got my sunflower lanyard and I can’t honestly say it’s changed my life but there are certain places that it does make life easier, like at airports and concerts (and getting support in those sorts of places is so important). Mostly I wear it when travelling around London because having a big ‘autistic’ label around my neck reminds people to take care and hopefully be a bit more aware of what they’re doing and what’s going on around them. I’m sure there are people who see it and it makes them uncomfortable or contrary or belligerent (because, in my experience, those people tend to be everywhere) and I think there are places where it probably makes me more vulnerable but, on the whole, it tends to be helpful if I use my judgement.
JOINT SUPPORTS – Because of my hEDS, I struggle with a lot of pain in my joints (the gift that keeps on giving) so I have a handful of different supports and braces. I mainly use them for my knee and for my wrists, but I also have one for my back. They not only really help with my stability – something I’m struggling with more and more – but, as with my sunflower lanyard, they remind people that I am kind of fragile and that they need to be careful around me, especially on trains and the underground etc.
POLARISED SUNGLASSES – The last time I went to get new glasses, I mentioned that I have hEDS and the optician recommended getting polarised sunglasses because they can help with light sensitivity, something that many people with EDS struggle with: our eyes are sensitive can get really tired because they are made up of 80% collagen, which is – as we know – what EDS negatively affects. And if you can reduce the strain on your eyes – which these glasses do, even if you’re inside but it’s still very bright – then you can hopefully reduce the chances of developing problems with your eyes (again, EDS: the gift that keeps on giving).
LIP BALM – A common symptom of multiple types of EDS is sensitive skin and that can manifest as dry lips (and cracked lips that take ages to heal) so I try to always have a good lip balm around. My personal preference is the EOS Crystal Lip Balm in Hibiscus Peach, which I’m not totally sure they make anymore but it’s still available through various online stores. But it’s their crystal lip balms that are best for hydrating your lips (but it’s worth reading this article because some people have had allergic reactions to certain ingredients); the previous, more waxy versions were nice but I didn’t find them to be super effective. This one helps my skin recover really quickly (and stay hydrated) and I can barely feel it on my lips, a plus considering that the sensory experience of make up and skincare can be really difficult for me. But there are a lot of great ones out there; I’ve used several from The Body Shop that I would recommend too.
CBD GUMMIES – Over the last couple of years, my sleep schedule – for the most part – has been awful. Most nights I was getting a fractured few hours and then there were nights where I didn’t sleep at all. It was horrible and it just made my mental health even worse, which was pretty impressive given how bad it was when my sleep was at its worst. I felt like I’d tried every strategy ever suggested, including some pretty strong prescription sleeping pills; they worked-ish but I suffered from some pretty miserable side effects for not much reward. I’d always been vaguely resistant to trying CBD based products for some reason – I’m not really sure why – but I was desperate and ended up trying a few different types of CBD gummies. Within a few days, my sleep was deep and reliable again. Months later, it’s remained pretty good. Plus it’s helped me avoid relying on prescription pills, which I’ve had to do in the past even though it’s not generally advised (this was with the approval of my doctor); taking them every night can increase your tolerance and so they stop working and no one really knows what the long term effects are, although some people become addicted and can experience symptoms like hallucinations. So avoiding that is definitely a pro on the pro-con list. Research is still being done around CBD but so far it seems that the only problems are certain drug interactions, which would just involve a conversation with a doctor. None of those interactions were a problem for me so I’ve been taking them consistently ever since and my sleep has been so much better. They’re a constant presence on my bedside table.
So I hope that was of some interest, at least. As I said in my introduction, let me know if you use these things; let me know if you use other things; let me know if there are things that might work better than the ones on this list! Over to you!
Grateful 2018
Posted on December 24, 2018
Last year, I posted on Christmas Eve about the things I was grateful for (here) and I really liked it as a practice. Since we don’t have Thanksgiving in the UK, there’s no holiday directly related to being thankful and I think it’s important to make time to think and feel these things. And I always feel overwhelmed by how lucky I am at Christmas so this seems like a good time to do it, to do this post.
My family – I am endlessly grateful to my family. They have loved and supported me through some really difficult times this year and even though that’s what family should do, I’m so, so grateful to them for doing that. I don’t take them for granted. A particular shout out to my Mum for going above and beyond. She’s my hero.
My friends – I am also endlessly grateful to my friends. I haven’t seen as much of them as I would’ve liked this year but I’ve been doing my best to stay in touch. They mean so much to me and I hope they know that. Again, a particular shout out to Richard because he has been incredible this year, supporting me as a friend and a writing partner. I’m more grateful than I can say.
My therapist – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I am so grateful for my therapist. My depression has been brutal this year and there were more than a few moments where I had no idea how I was going to survive (I say that like it’s over and I’m not sure whether it’s over or not). I absolutely wouldn’t have made it through that without her.
Song Suffragettes – If you don’t know what Song Suffragettes is, prepare to have your musical life changed. It’s an organisation in Nashville that focuses on boosting the up and coming female songwriting talent and they have weekly shows showcasing these awesome women. I was lucky enough to join them on my last trip to Nashville and it was definitely the best day of my year (and one of the best in my life). Everyone involved is so lovely and they are doing such important work. Check them out on Twitter here.
Claire Wineland – I’ve written about Claire quite a bit (here, here, here, and here if you’re interested) but she’s been on my mind a lot. I miss her – her presence in my life – more than I know what to do with but I am so grateful to have had her at all. That doesn’t make me okay with what happened (not at all) but I am grateful. She was an incredible human being and she’s still helping people even though she’s no longer here.
Flowers – This is a simple one but having beautiful, colourful flowers around improves my mood and improves my day. In a year that’s felt very dark and colourless, having flowers in the house has made a noticeable difference to my day-to-day life.
My bullet journal – Having somewhere to organise my thoughts and my life has been so helpful. Up until now I’ve never had a system that really worked for me so this is a big deal. I’ve written more about it here.
Lauren Kaech – I discovered Lauren on YouTube earlier this year and I have found her videos and her attitude really inspiring. I talked about her in my post about social media favourites and she makes videos about her experience of living with an eating disorder. And while that’s not an experience I can directly relate to, there are aspects that I can. She talks about facing the things that scare you, the realities of happiness, and a whole host of recovery related topics that apply to anxiety and depression as well as eating disorders. I’m so grateful to have had this in my life this year and at my very worst (in the very worst of my depression), looking forward to her videos got me through the day and kept me going.
Swimming – I’ve written a whole post about this (here) but I wanted to include it here because I’m so, so grateful for it. Almost every morning, I get up and go to the pool and do something that makes sense. Even if the rest of the day doesn’t, that does. I’m also really proud of myself for keeping this up for six months, especially given how bad my depression has been.
Taylor Swift – Miss Swift was on my grateful list last year and the reasons are all still relevant. But this year, I got to see her live (twice!) and that experience was so much fun in the middle of a really dark place. I felt all that weight lift for a couple of hours and that is a big deal. I’m also really grateful to her for voicing her political opinions (breaking her career long silence on the subject) and encouraging young people to vote. In the twenty four hours after she made her Instagram post on the subject, 65,000 people registered to vote, which is just incredible. It made me really proud to be a fan. I don’t think I can say more than, as always, I am grateful for Taylor Swift.
So there you have it. I could write more – there are so many things to be grateful for – but I’ll stop there. I’m wishing you all a safe, happy, and healthy Christmas and I’ll see you in the next post.
Finding Hope 