Posted on January 2, 2021
I think it’s safe to say that we have no idea what this year is going to look like so making resolutions or goals could seem a bit pointless. But considering everything last year, I did make some recognisable progress with my 2020 goals, something I’m really proud of considering how much I was struggling. Yes, it’s a bit of a shot in the dark to make any sort of long term plans this year but I find that having goals like these give me some direction, some structure, which is especially helpful when I currently have so little external structure in my life. (As I said in my previous post, I prefer goals to resolutions: I find that resolutions create unnecessary pressure whereas goals help me to focus on particular areas. That works better for me but then I’m sure that that pressure is helpful for others.)
Since we don’t know what this year will hold, I’m still going to make goals. If I have to abandon them, then so be it but otherwise, they’ll hopefully be a helpful tool in moving through the year, creating some internal stability if nothing else. I’m hopeful that I can make progress in all of these areas: in my physical health, in my mental health, and in my work.
FIND A RHYTHM IN THERAPY AGAIN – The pandemic and lockdown have really thrown a wrench in my therapy sessions. Not only have they been physically disrupted, in the sense that they’ve moved from in person to online, but the pandemic has done such a number on my mental health that I couldn’t even cope with going to therapy for a while. And now that I’m going again, I feel like I don’t know how to do it anymore. I have a really good relationship with my therapist so I don’t know why I’m finding it so hard to talk about stuff; we just end up catching up about what’s happened between sessions. I really want to find a way back to the place where we really dug into things, the big things that affect me and my mental health. I’m not sure how to do it but my therapy sessions are so vital that it needs to be done so we’ll have to figure it out.
PROGRESS WITH MY INVISIBLE BRACES – Given how up and down last year was, I’m surprised I managed to wear it at all but this year I really want to build and embed the habit in what daily routine I have. The main problem is that, often, I’ll need to take a break and suddenly I haven’t worn it in months. So I also want to work out how to take a break without completely breaking the habit.
WORK ON MY CORE – For hypermobile people, the core muscles are particularly weak, which can cause referred fatigue and pain throughout the body. When I was diagnosed, the specialist asked what exercise I did and I talked about how much I loved swimming, how good it feels to exercise without having to bear the weight of my body. She said that swimming is the best possible exercise for a hypermobile person, especially someone actively dealing with pain and fatigue. I certainly didn’t need the encouragement to swim more. Where possible (in the context of the pandemic and lockdowns), I want to keep swimming as much as I can, as well as practicing the basic hydrotherapy exercises I’ve been given. I don’t know when my referral for hydrotherapy will actually go through, when I’ll actually get sessions, but hopefully it won’t be too long and hopefully that will help with the fatigue and pain.
COMPLETE MY MAJOR REPERTOIRE PROJECT – The final module of the Masters is dedicated to researching, writing songs, and creating a body of work around a particular subject. I’ve been really looking forward to this module, and hearing about the subject matter investigated by my course mates from last year (familial connections, identity, and gender transition, for example) and the work they created has only inspired me more. I have multiple ideas that I’d love to work on, although there are two that stand out more than the others. So I’ll have to choose at some point but we’re encouraged to remain open until just before the module starts. I’m so looking forward to really diving into a project and hopefully I can use my enthusiasm to help me get the best grade possible.
FINISH MY MASTERS DEGREE – By the end of September, I will have finished all of the modules and assessments of the Masters, all being well. With everything that’s happened since the start of the Masters, just finishing it will be an achievement in its own right but I really, really, really want to do well. It would be incredible to get a Distinction (that would be my ideal scenario) but, as I said, with everything that’s happened and how much I’ve had to deal with, that may not be on the cards. It might be initially disappointing to end up with a Merit but I know that, given some processing time, I could get my head around it and be proud of it.
MAKE SIGNIFICANT PROGRESS IN CATCHING UP WITH MY DIARY – Due to my university work and the ups and downs of my mental health, I’m majorly behind with my diary (although I do keep rough notes) and while I’m not sure how I’m going to manage this, I want to get the situation more under control. Being behind just causes me so much anxiety. The university work isn’t going anywhere though and I want to do my best there so I obviously need to find a solution to this problem before I can start implementing it. I’m hoping therapy can be useful here.
WORK ON NOT COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO MUSIC – This was a goal last year but between the pandemic disrupting the entire music industry and my sporadic therapy attendance (in which I’d planned to work on this issue), I didn’t make nearly as much progress as I would’ve liked. This is what I wrote last year and I think it’s still fairly accurate:
“This is probably the hardest one and a lot of the time, it feels unbearable to even think about. While I need to work on not comparing myself to others in general – in all situations – I figure that’s too big a task for such a difficult feeling so I just picked one area. Music has always been my happy place and I want it to stay (or go back to being or something) my happy place and it’s not, when I look at other artists and feel lost and sad and lonely and angry and bitter. So I want to work out – probably with therapy – how to focus on me and not worry about other artists beyond a practical, objective sense. This feels really, really hard so I don’t know if I’ll manage it in a year or whether I’ll even manage to start but I want to so I’m trying to think about it and figure out a place to start because I don’t want to feel all of these things. I want my happy place back.“
Having released more music and received good feedback over the last twelve months, I think my self-esteem and confidence is a bit higher but it doesn’t take much to tip me into that black hole. I really, really want that to stop happening so whatever it takes to avoid those feelings (for the majority of the time, at least), I’m willing to do it and do it for as long as necessary. I want music to be a positive part of my life, not something that’s draining.
FIND MY NEXT PROJECT – As I’ve previously said, there is more content coming that’s part of the Honest project but now that all of the tracks and music videos have been released, I want to work out what my next project is going to be, what the next creative goal I want to work towards is. I may find it during my last two Masters module, I might find it after, or it might find me. I’ve got a lot of ideas I want to explore so I guess it’s just about figuring out which one is the best fit for me in this particular period of time. Whatever it turns out to be, I’m excited. The Honest EP has been such a gift, such a wide and wonderful experience, that I can’t wait to see what the next project has in store for me.
As I said, we have no idea how this year is going to unfold so I don’t know what I will or won’t be able to achieve (in terms of what’s possible with the pandemic and my personal health – physical and mental – in the mix) but these are the areas of my life that I want to work at. If nothing else, last year showed us how strong and adaptable we can be, so who knows: maybe I’ll make progress in all of them or maybe I’ll make progress in entirely different things. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see…
Category: about me, anxiety, chronic fatigue syndrome, covid-19 pandemic, depression, emotions, event, identity, mental health, music, ocd, therapy, treatment, university, writing Tagged: 2021, anxiety, comparing, comparing myself, comparison anxiety, compulsive writing, core muscles, coronavirus, covid-19, debut ep, diary, diary writing, distinction, emotions, exercise, final project, fresh start, goals, good habits, grades, habits, health, honest ep, hydrotherapy, hydrotherapy referral, hypermobile, hypermobility, invisible braces, masters, masters degree, masters degree in songwriting, masters degree year two, masters part time, mental health, mental illness, music industry, negativity, new project, new year, new years resolutions, obsessive compulsive disorder, ocd, pandemic, pandemic 2020, physical health, positivity, processing emotions, setting goals, singersongwriter, singersongwriter life, swimming, therapy, university
Posted on January 1, 2021
It feels like I made these goals a lifetime ago. So much has changed since then; the world feels like (and, to an extent, is) an entirely different place now. I’m not sure it’s possible that anyone could’ve predicted how this year would play out – maybe certain elements but not the whole picture. I don’t know about you reading this but I really struggle to reconcile the person I was before the pandemic, with the hopes, issues, and perspectives I had then, with the person I am now with all of 2020 taking up so much space in my brain. It feels like 2020 was bigger than (or at least, as big as) my whole life up to this year; I know that’s the illusion of time but regardless, I’m finding it very difficult to make sense of everything I’ve experienced in the last year.
With the way the world was turned upside down this year, I have no idea how to think about 2021 but before I address that, I wanted to just take a brief moment to look at the goals I set at the beginning of this year, pre-pandemic, and see how I did, despite everything that’s happened.
GET BACK TO SWIMMING
I struggled with swimming at the beginning of the year, having essentially had no break between my first and second semester. I was exhausted before the second semester had even started. I found it very difficult to balance my uni work, my exhaustion, and swimming so going to the pool did fall by the wayside more often than not. And then, just as the semester was coming to a close with my empty semester (and plenty of opportunities to swim) in sight, the pandemic really hit the UK and we went into a national lockdown. That obviously meant that all of the gyms were closed, eliminating the opportunity to swim.
As the restrictions lifted, I did try going back to my normal pool but it just didn’t feel safe so my Mum and I spent a long time looking for a pool that were really careful and meticulous about their safety precautions. Eventually we found one and although we couldn’t go as much as I would’ve liked (due to the limited number of people they allowed in the pool at a time), it was wonderful to swim again. I just loved it.
When I was diagnosed with hypermobility, I was referred for hydrotherapy (we’re still waiting on that) but the specialist encouraged me to keep swimming as it’s the best exercise for hypermobile people and gave me some basic hydrotherapy exercises to start doing while we waited for the referral to go through. Unfortunately, I only got one more swim in before the UK went into a second lockdown and the gyms closed again. I am all for the lockdowns (not that that second one felt much like a lockdown) but I was upset to lose the swimming.
I got a little bit of swimming and hydrotherapy exercises in between the end of lockdown and everything closing for Christmas and now the Tier Four lockdown, which I was pleased with although I’m really missing the swimming. I have no idea how long it will be before the gyms open again and I can swim but I feel like I’m in a really good place with it so it won’t be hard to get going again.
START WEARING MY INVISIBLE BRACES AGAIN
I struggled to wear them while I was going to university. Sensory-wise, I find wearing them to be really overwhelming, to the point where I can’t concentrate because the pressure in my mouth takes up all the space in my brain. I usually wear them at night to avoid that but it often just gets too much and then, once I’m out of the habit of wearing them, it’s really hard to get back into it again.
Several months into lockdown, once I started to feel a bit more stable, I actually managed to wear it almost every night. I even made progress and moved onto the next one in the series. But again, when uni started, it started to feel like too much very quickly. It’s a lot of sensory stuff during the time when I’m supposed to get a break from everything. It’s really hard, but I’m not giving up.
COMPLETE YEAR 1 OF MY MASTERS DEGREE
This is a simple one, thank god. I completed the second semester of my Masters Degree a few weeks into the first UK lockdown and that was the first year completed. Most of my friends were full time and had to power through with their final project mid lockdown, which I am endlessly impressed by. I genuinely don’t think I could’ve done that. So I’m super proud of them, not only for the amazing work that they created but that they created it in such difficult circumstances.
So I managed this one and I’m proud of that, even though it was largely unaffected by the pandemic. The Masters has been a hugely challenging experience for me and so getting through the first year does feel like a big achievement. And what’s more, I actually did well on the essay for the second module, despite my anxieties. So I’m really proud of that too.
As of the end of 2020, I have completed three of the five modules of the Masters, although I don’t yet know how I’ve done in the third. But I’ve done it. I prepared for it, I worked hard throughout the twelve weeks, and put everything I had into the assessment (I always feel like I could’ve done more but I’m trying to get better at recognising what my limits are and I do think I did the best that I could). Now I just have to hope that it was all enough to get a good grade. I know that the skills I’ve learned are the important part but I still struggle to disconnect my self esteem from my grades. It’s a lot of unlearning to do after so many years in education.
CONSUME NEW MEDIA RATHER THAN JUST FAMILIAR MEDIA
I’d gotten into a bit of a rut, just rewatching old favourites, so I really wanted to branch out and try new things. I didn’t manage much during the uni semester since I was so busy; I was almost constantly working and background noise helps me work so familiar movies and TV shows worked quite well in that regard.
When we went into lockdown, my mental health was so bad and my anxiety around the pandemic was so high that I could barely get off the sofa. I rewatched a lot of my favourite things, needing the comfort and familiarity and nostalgia, but after a while, I tentatively started watching new things. They turned out to be a much needed form of escapism and I discovered so many awesome films and TV shows. It also kept my creative brain working even when I wasn’t able to use it; since it has started functioning again, I’ve written several songs based on stories or characters that I found myself emotionally invested in.
GET BACK TO THERAPY AND FOCUS ON MY MENTAL HEALTH
I was consistently going to therapy before the lockdown and felt like we were doing good work but since the pandemic began and my therapy sessions moved onto Zoom, they’ve been much harder and much less productive than I’d like them to be (and I definitely missed some because I just felt too overwhelmed by everything going on). But digging into the hard stuff is often painful and I’m not exactly keen to upset the fragile balance of my mental health that I’ve managed to maintain, for the most part, over the last few months. I’ve just found it so frustrating because the sessions always end up focussing on just getting through instead of moving forward, which is especially demoralising because I feel like the pandemic has been undoing some of the work we’ve done. So I’ve really tried but it has been beyond difficult. I have to hope that this year it will get easier at some point.
WORK ON NOT COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS IN MUSIC
This was something I really wanted to work on this year, in therapy but also in practice as I released my EP and played gigs. I’ve just always really struggled with insecurity and I guess what you could call comparison anxiety, always feeling insecure and anxious and bad about myself. At worst, it can make me feel really bitter about music. And I really, really don’t want that because music is the thing that makes me happiest.
Lockdown was oddly unifying because the music industry just shut down and pretty much everyone was forced to stop what they were working on. We were all stuck and frustrated. The comparison anxiety wasn’t really present, both because no one was really releasing anything and because the pandemic anxiety was so high that there wasn’t the space or energy to be anxious about anything else.
The only real exception to this was the releasing of Taylor Swift’s folklore but that was so different to what I’ve been working on that, rather than comparing myself, I found myself far more focussed on what I could learn from it. I also spent the summer learning the songs of my favourite writers and artists to improve my musical skills and that also had me focussing on learning and getting better rather than on how I wasn’t good enough and would never be good enough. So I felt like I was actually doing well, all thing considered, like I might actually be making progress in this area.
But then the industry started up again and people started releasing and promoting and so on again and I realised I hadn’t made as much progress as I’d thought. The pandemic anxiety compounded all of the anxiety I have normally around releasing music, leaving me at even more of a disadvantage and making it feel even harder to ‘keep up’ and work through my issues around it.
I always find it hard when everyone starts posting their Spotify Wrapped but I was actually looking forward to it this year, having released four tracks and the EP having reached over 30,000 streams on Spotify. But it turns out Spotify stops counting your streams on the 31st October, one day after my single, ‘Honest,’ was released, the single which brought in most of my streams. So my Spotify Wrapped wasn’t at all accurate and didn’t reflect the year at all; I didn’t end up posting it at all.
I’d really hoped to make some progress with this goal but without the work in therapy and the added anxiety of all that’s been going on this year, I don’t really feel like anything’s changed. And that’s hard. But I’m trying to focus on how proud I am of the EP and how proud I am of how far it’s gone, considering that it’s my debut EP that was pretty much made in various bedrooms with a handful of friends. Because I am really proud of that and grateful for everything that’s come out of this experience. Hopefully I will make some progress in this area this year because I don’t want to feel like this. I just don’t think I know how to get to that place on my own.
I feel like this has been the most helpful approach to a new year of those I’ve tried so far. I like the setting of goals (rather than a strict list to be checked off) because it gives me some structure and helps me to progress as a person without loads of pressure or the constant fear of failing or not trying hard enough. I feel like, for me, it falls nicely between being too much and too little.
As I said, the world was a very different place and I was a very different person when I set these goals so the fact that I made any progress at all in any of them feels like an achievement but I would like to manage more next year. I’m hopeful (because I have to be – it’s too easy for the depression to infiltrate otherwise) that this year will be better, at some point at least. Maybe then I can make some real improvement with some of the more difficult areas of my life and, until then, I’m gonna work on what I can. That’s probably all any of us can do right now.
Category: about me, anxiety, autism, book, bpd, chronic fatigue syndrome, covid-19 pandemic, depression, emotions, event, identity, mental health, music, ocd, therapy, treatment, university, video Tagged: 2020, asd, autism, autism spectrum disorder, autistic, book, books, comparing myself, comparison anxiety, coronavirus, covid-19, debut ep, ep, exercise, film, films, goals, habit, honest ep, hydrotherapy, hypermobility, hypermobility diagnosis, invisible braces, lauren alex hooper, laurenalexhooper, lockdown, lockdown 2.0, lockdown 2020, masters degree, masters degree in songwriting, masters degree year one, masters degree year two, masters part time, mental health, mental illness, movie, movies, music, music industry, new year, new years resolution, new years resolutions, online therapy, overstimulation, pandemic, pandemic 2020, pandemic anxiety, part time masters student, sensory overload, singer, singersongwriter, singersongwriter life, songwriter, spotify wrapped, swimming, therapy, tier 4, tier four, tv show, tv shows
Posted on January 4, 2020
So the 19 for 2019 was probably overambitious, especially considering the instability of my mental health. I just didn’t realise how fragile it really was until it crashed. A lot of this year is going to be about looking after and rebuilding my mental health. So this year, I’m going for something a little gentler: a handful of goals that aren’t super specific. They’re more about trying than achieving.
GET BACK TO SWIMMING – For a year, I swam almost everyday and I loved it. It made me feel really good in my body. But then the depression, the medication side effects, the fatigue, and the meltdowns all made that impossible. I was either too unwell or too physically weak. But I really miss it. It wasn’t possible during the first semester of my Masters (my anxiety was so high and I was having so many meltdowns that I just didn’t have the energy) and I’ve spent the holidays working on my assignments but I’m optimistic that this next semester will be a bit gentler and I’ll have the time and energy to start building the swimming in again.
START WEARING MY INVISIBLE BRACES AGAIN – Again, I did really well at this for a while but the mental health crash derailed it and it was just one thing too much. I was going through so much during the day that pressure in my face during the night was just more than I could take. But my teeth haven’t completely regressed so at least I’m not starting from the beginning. I’m wearing them again and it’s uncomfortable and hard but I’m trying my best to focus on the end goal: straight teeth that make me feel confident when I smile.
COMPLETE YEAR 1 OF MY MASTERS DEGREE – Because of the way the part time course is set up, I only have one more semester this academic year and from what I understand of it, it shouldn’t cause me the same levels of anxiety as the last one, as much as I enjoyed it. I’m also kind of looking forward to the assessment because it’s an essay where you can write about anything music related. How cool is that?! All the possibilities! And that’s year one done so all things going well, that should be possible. I’m cautiously optimistic.
CONSUME NEW MEDIA RATHER THAN JUST FAMILIAR MEDIA – With all the mental health stuff, it’s been hard to engage with anything that isn’t safe and comforting. It’s been especially difficult in the last few months when my OCD has been so bad, because it’s hard to concentrate on something new when I’m trying to write everything down. I’m going to be working on that specifically but also my mental health in general this year so hopefully those needs won’t take up so much time, leaving some time for watching, reading, and listening to new things.
GET BACK TO THERAPY AND FOCUS ON MY MENTAL HEALTH – I only went to therapy sporadically in the second half of the year last year because my therapist and I couldn’t get our schedules to match up and because of certain things going on in our lives and although I don’t yet know my timetable for the new semester, we (me, my Mum, and my therapist) are all determined – furiously so – to make it work because I really need the support. Things have gotten really bad and I really, really need the support.
WORK ON NOT COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS IN MUSIC – This is probably the hardest one and a lot of the time, it feels unbearable to even think about. While I need to work on not comparing myself to others in general – in all situations – I figure that’s too big a task for such a difficult feeling so I just picked one area. Music has always been my happy place and I want it to stay (or go back to being or something) my happy place and it’s not, when I look at other artists and feel lost and sad and lonely and angry and bitter. So I want to work out – probably with therapy – how to focus on me and not worry about other artists beyond a practical, objective sense. This feels really, really hard so I don’t know if I’ll manage it in a year or whether I’ll even manage to start but I want to so I’m trying to think about it and figure out a place to start because I don’t want to feel all of these things. I want my happy place back.
So these are my goals for this year. It’s difficult to really even think about things like this at the moment because everything feels so, so hard that I just feel overwhelmed. I feel like everything chips off pieces of me and at twenty five, I shouldn’t feel so small. I shouldn’t feel like there’s so little left of me. I’m struggling and I don’t know how to keep going and I don’t know what to do and a big part of me wants to just give up but I don’t know how. How do you give up? Because life just keeps going on without you. I guess that’s why my main goal this year is my mental health because I don’t know what to do anymore.
Category: book, mental health, music, therapy, treatment, university Tagged: 2019, 2020, anxiety, books, comparing, comparing myself, dbt, depression, dialectical behaviour therapy, goals, invisible braces, masters, masters degree, masters degree in songwriting, mental illness, movies, new year, new years resolutions, obsessive compulsive disorder, ocd, struggling, surviving, swimming, tv shows
Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), ADHD (Inattentive Type), and Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), as well as several mental health issues.
I’m a singer-songwriter (it’s my biggest special interest and I have both a BA and MA in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is on all platforms, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.
My debut EP, Honest, is available on all platforms, with a limited physical run at Resident Music in Brighton.
I’m currently working on an album about my experiences as an autistic woman.