Posted on February 26, 2022
I had intended to set goals at the beginning of the year but honestly, I was feeling so terrible that I couldn’t even see twenty-four hours ahead, let alone six months or a year. So I decided to shelve the setting of goals until I felt a bit more… like myself, I guess. I’m not sure I’m ready to commit to anything too… much just yet, given that I’m barely back on my feet (something that still feels debatable some days). It’s hard to plan ahead. So, I thought I’d split this post into two this year: goals for the first six months and then goals for the second. Maybe. It does feel a bit like I’m just going through the motions but maybe that’s just what I need to do right now.
GET MY MENTAL HEALTH STABILISED – Between the pandemic stuff I was already carrying around, the burnout post-MA, the disaster that was the ADHD medication, and the anxiety induced breakdown I had at the end of January (plus having been unable to see my therapist pretty much since last May), I’m one big mess. I’ve started the Moclobemide but it still feels too early to say for sure whether or not it’s the right thing. I’m starting to write again though, which is a good sign. Hopefully I’ll be back at therapy in the not too distant future, plus there are some other options for support to consider. I just feel like, until I get my head sorted – or at least a bit more sorted – my life is on hold and I hate it. I can’t have a real life until there’s some resolution here.
GET BACK TO SWIMMING – I haven’t been very mobile at all over the last few months, given how bad my mental and physical health has been, and I’m definitely feeling it. My chronic pain over the last couple of weeks has been awful – back to the levels it was last summer – and now that I actually feel able to leave the house, I really want to get back to swimming and to my hydrotherapy exercises. I want to get fitter and I want to get stronger; the hope is that, the stronger my body is, the better my life with hEDS will be.
RELEASE NEW MUSIC – I’m so desperate (in a good way) to release new music. It’s been so long since the Honest EP came out and even longer since I wrote the songs. So much has changed since then, for me as person and as a songwriter. I am working on an album and that’s my real passion project but it is going to take time and I don’t want to keep anyone waiting that long. Hell, I don’t want to wait that long. So I am working on music to release before the album and while it’s taking a bit longer because of the last few months, it is happening and it is coming.
I don’t have an exact deadline for these goals, especially since mental and physical health don’t always adhere to any schedule you set for yourself. But I’m hoping that I can do these things – and perhaps more – within the first half of the year. Then, maybe, I can set a new series of goals that are a bit more exciting and ambitious once I’m feeling a bit more solid.
Category: adhd, anxiety, covid-19 pandemic, depression, heds, medication, mental health, music, therapy, treatment, writing Tagged: 2022, adhd, antidepressants, anxiety, chronic pain, depression, eds, exercise, goals, heds, honest ep, hydrotherapy, joint pain, lauren alex hooper, medication, mental health, mental illness, music, new music, new years resolution, new years resolutions, pain management, physical health, setting goals, singer, singersongwriter, swimming, therapy
Posted on January 1, 2022
In hindsight, I don’t really know what I was thinking, setting goals when I had no idea what the year was going to look like. I’m not really surprised that I haven’t done as well as I would’ve liked, had the year been a normal year. But it wasn’t a normal year and I try to remember that when I feel myself getting stressed.
FIND A RHYTHM IN THERAPY AGAIN – This has been a tricky one. For various reasons, my therapy was fairly erratic for the first half of the year and then I wasn’t going at all until just a few weeks ago. A lot has happened and a lot has changed and going back is hard; it feels like I’m learning how to do therapy all over again. But we’ve worked through tough periods before. There’s no reason why we can’t figure out this one too.
PROGRESS WITH MY INVISIBLE BRACES – Okay, I officially failed at this. I’ve actually slipped backwards, going back to an earlier mold. It was just that, with everything going on, sleeping was the one time where I didn’t feel some sort of sensory overwhelm and I was so reluctant to lose that one safe space. I have worn it a little but not enough so I need to figure out a more manageable way to wear it.
WORK ON MY CORE – This has been a tricky one. Since the lockdown ended, I’ve been swimming as much as I can (and feel able to depending on various things: mental health, COVID numbers, etc) and I do feel like it’s helped, although it doesn’t feel like the pain mirrors how much or how little swimming I’m doing. Eleven months after the Hydrotherapy referral, I got a Physiotherapy appointment which resulted in them referring me to Hydrotherapy and a month or so later, I finally got a Hydrotherapy session. I’ve been doing the exercises by myself and I have a follow up appointment in the new year to make sure everything’s happening as it should. It’s too soon to know what effect it’s having but hopefully it’ll help with some of the problems caused by my EDS.
COMPLETE MY MAJOR REPERTOIRE PROJECT – I did it! It was hard work and utterly exhausting and, by the end, I was working twelve (or more) hours a day but I absolutely loved it. I loved being totally absorbed by one project and just writing as many songs for it as possible. I did struggle to balance what I wanted to do with the project with what I needed to do for the grade (although it’s true that trying to meet that criteria did result in it being a better project) but I had a fantastic supervisor, who was passionate and knowledgeable about a lot of the same things as me and who was also neurodivergent, which I think made a big difference when it came to tackling problems and her general support; my project was better because of her help. The day of my final presentation was a bit anti-climactic after everything and suddenly it was all over. But I’m so proud of the work I did, the many songs I wrote, and the mark I achieved, my highest out of every module. I’m so relieved, so happy, so proud, and so grateful to everyone who helped me get there. It was the best part of this year, easily.
FINISH MY MASTERS DEGREE – I still kind of can’t believe that I did this, given everything over the last couple of years. It’s so weird to look back at the beginning of the Masters in late 2019, knowing what I do now. But I did it: I completed my Masters Degree in Songwriting. During a global pandemic no less. But despite that, it was still an amazing experience; I met a lot of incredible people, I did a lot of work that I’m so proud of, and I got so much out of it. I’m so proud of my final project in particular and it was amazing to get such a high grade, as well as the Outstanding Student Award at graduation; that meant so much to me after everything that went in to getting the degree. And while I am excited for what comes next, I’m also really, really sad that it’s over; that’s the end of my education at ICMP and I don’t want my time there to be officially over. I loved my BA but doing an MA was the best thing I’ve ever done. It was beyond difficult and there were times when I hated it but it was an amazing experience and I’m so proud of myself and the work I did.
MAKE SIGNIFICANT PROGRESS IN CATCHING UP WITH MY DIARY – Yeah, no, I did not manage this. I’m barely managing to keep up, let alone clean up the messy notes I’ve been keeping over the last two years. My diary writing is in a state of chaos right now. It takes up so much time and causes me so much anxiety but I can’t stop; my OCD won’t let me. So I’m just keeping on keeping on; I don’t know what else to do.
WORK ON NOT COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO MUSIC – I think it’s fair to say that this is probably something I’ll be working on for the rest of my life; it’s not something that will ever be done, complete. I’m not sure if I’d say I’ve made progress with this but I do think I’ve learned a lot about myself and my insecurities. Two big factors that affect those insecurities are my mental health and how much I’m writing. When my mental health is good and I’m doing a solid amount of writing, I feel more comfortable and confident in myself and what other people are doing doesn’t feel scary or upsetting; they feel inspiring and exciting. But when my mental health is bad – and thus, my ability to write disappears – everything feels just too much. So most of the year was great, apart from a few dips, but my mental health hasn’t been great over the last two months – or in other words, completely fucking awful – so that’s what I’ve been focussed on: trying to make that better.
FIND MY NEXT PROJECT – This goal kind of makes me laugh now. To think I wanted to find my next project and now I have more projects than I know what to do with. It’s kind of stressful, trying to manage so many things at once, but it’s also wonderful to have so many things that I’m excited about. They’re all in process right now and I don’t know how they’re going to turn out so I don’t want to say anything yet, but I definitely found my next project.
This year has been a hell of a year for many reasons and while there were many negative surprises, there were also positive ones; those just aren’t always visible in the review of goals set at the beginning of the year. I’m really proud of a lot of things from the last twelve months and, given everything that’s happened, I’m actually kind of impressed that I was able to complete any of these goals at all. So I’m trying to focus on that.
Category: about me, covid-19 pandemic, depression, emotions, heds, identity, mental health, music, ocd, therapy, treatment, university, writing Tagged: 2020, anxiety, comparing, comparing myself, comparison anxiety, depression, diary, diary writing, eds, final project, goals, heds, hydrotherapy, hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome, hypermobility, independent artist, invisible braces, journal, journaling, masters degree, masters degree in songwriting, memory hoarding, mental health, mental illness, music, new years resolution, new years resolutions, obsessive compulsive disorder, ocd, pandemic, pandemic 2020, physiotherapy, plans, reflection, self confidence, self esteem, songwriter, songwriting, therapy, university
Posted on January 2, 2021
I think it’s safe to say that we have no idea what this year is going to look like so making resolutions or goals could seem a bit pointless. But considering everything last year, I did make some recognisable progress with my 2020 goals, something I’m really proud of considering how much I was struggling. Yes, it’s a bit of a shot in the dark to make any sort of long term plans this year but I find that having goals like these give me some direction, some structure, which is especially helpful when I currently have so little external structure in my life. (As I said in my previous post, I prefer goals to resolutions: I find that resolutions create unnecessary pressure whereas goals help me to focus on particular areas. That works better for me but then I’m sure that that pressure is helpful for others.)
Since we don’t know what this year will hold, I’m still going to make goals. If I have to abandon them, then so be it but otherwise, they’ll hopefully be a helpful tool in moving through the year, creating some internal stability if nothing else. I’m hopeful that I can make progress in all of these areas: in my physical health, in my mental health, and in my work.
FIND A RHYTHM IN THERAPY AGAIN – The pandemic and lockdown have really thrown a wrench in my therapy sessions. Not only have they been physically disrupted, in the sense that they’ve moved from in person to online, but the pandemic has done such a number on my mental health that I couldn’t even cope with going to therapy for a while. And now that I’m going again, I feel like I don’t know how to do it anymore. I have a really good relationship with my therapist so I don’t know why I’m finding it so hard to talk about stuff; we just end up catching up about what’s happened between sessions. I really want to find a way back to the place where we really dug into things, the big things that affect me and my mental health. I’m not sure how to do it but my therapy sessions are so vital that it needs to be done so we’ll have to figure it out.
PROGRESS WITH MY INVISIBLE BRACES – Given how up and down last year was, I’m surprised I managed to wear it at all but this year I really want to build and embed the habit in what daily routine I have. The main problem is that, often, I’ll need to take a break and suddenly I haven’t worn it in months. So I also want to work out how to take a break without completely breaking the habit.
WORK ON MY CORE – For hypermobile people, the core muscles are particularly weak, which can cause referred fatigue and pain throughout the body. When I was diagnosed, the specialist asked what exercise I did and I talked about how much I loved swimming, how good it feels to exercise without having to bear the weight of my body. She said that swimming is the best possible exercise for a hypermobile person, especially someone actively dealing with pain and fatigue. I certainly didn’t need the encouragement to swim more. Where possible (in the context of the pandemic and lockdowns), I want to keep swimming as much as I can, as well as practicing the basic hydrotherapy exercises I’ve been given. I don’t know when my referral for hydrotherapy will actually go through, when I’ll actually get sessions, but hopefully it won’t be too long and hopefully that will help with the fatigue and pain.
COMPLETE MY MAJOR REPERTOIRE PROJECT – The final module of the Masters is dedicated to researching, writing songs, and creating a body of work around a particular subject. I’ve been really looking forward to this module, and hearing about the subject matter investigated by my course mates from last year (familial connections, identity, and gender transition, for example) and the work they created has only inspired me more. I have multiple ideas that I’d love to work on, although there are two that stand out more than the others. So I’ll have to choose at some point but we’re encouraged to remain open until just before the module starts. I’m so looking forward to really diving into a project and hopefully I can use my enthusiasm to help me get the best grade possible.
FINISH MY MASTERS DEGREE – By the end of September, I will have finished all of the modules and assessments of the Masters, all being well. With everything that’s happened since the start of the Masters, just finishing it will be an achievement in its own right but I really, really, really want to do well. It would be incredible to get a Distinction (that would be my ideal scenario) but, as I said, with everything that’s happened and how much I’ve had to deal with, that may not be on the cards. It might be initially disappointing to end up with a Merit but I know that, given some processing time, I could get my head around it and be proud of it.
MAKE SIGNIFICANT PROGRESS IN CATCHING UP WITH MY DIARY – Due to my university work and the ups and downs of my mental health, I’m majorly behind with my diary (although I do keep rough notes) and while I’m not sure how I’m going to manage this, I want to get the situation more under control. Being behind just causes me so much anxiety. The university work isn’t going anywhere though and I want to do my best there so I obviously need to find a solution to this problem before I can start implementing it. I’m hoping therapy can be useful here.
WORK ON NOT COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO MUSIC – This was a goal last year but between the pandemic disrupting the entire music industry and my sporadic therapy attendance (in which I’d planned to work on this issue), I didn’t make nearly as much progress as I would’ve liked. This is what I wrote last year and I think it’s still fairly accurate:
“This is probably the hardest one and a lot of the time, it feels unbearable to even think about. While I need to work on not comparing myself to others in general – in all situations – I figure that’s too big a task for such a difficult feeling so I just picked one area. Music has always been my happy place and I want it to stay (or go back to being or something) my happy place and it’s not, when I look at other artists and feel lost and sad and lonely and angry and bitter. So I want to work out – probably with therapy – how to focus on me and not worry about other artists beyond a practical, objective sense. This feels really, really hard so I don’t know if I’ll manage it in a year or whether I’ll even manage to start but I want to so I’m trying to think about it and figure out a place to start because I don’t want to feel all of these things. I want my happy place back.“
Having released more music and received good feedback over the last twelve months, I think my self-esteem and confidence is a bit higher but it doesn’t take much to tip me into that black hole. I really, really want that to stop happening so whatever it takes to avoid those feelings (for the majority of the time, at least), I’m willing to do it and do it for as long as necessary. I want music to be a positive part of my life, not something that’s draining.
FIND MY NEXT PROJECT – As I’ve previously said, there is more content coming that’s part of the Honest project but now that all of the tracks and music videos have been released, I want to work out what my next project is going to be, what the next creative goal I want to work towards is. I may find it during my last two Masters module, I might find it after, or it might find me. I’ve got a lot of ideas I want to explore so I guess it’s just about figuring out which one is the best fit for me in this particular period of time. Whatever it turns out to be, I’m excited. The Honest EP has been such a gift, such a wide and wonderful experience, that I can’t wait to see what the next project has in store for me.
As I said, we have no idea how this year is going to unfold so I don’t know what I will or won’t be able to achieve (in terms of what’s possible with the pandemic and my personal health – physical and mental – in the mix) but these are the areas of my life that I want to work at. If nothing else, last year showed us how strong and adaptable we can be, so who knows: maybe I’ll make progress in all of them or maybe I’ll make progress in entirely different things. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see…
Category: about me, anxiety, chronic fatigue, covid-19 pandemic, depression, emotions, event, identity, mental health, music, ocd, therapy, treatment, university, writing Tagged: 2021, anxiety, comparing, comparing myself, comparison anxiety, compulsive writing, core muscles, coronavirus, covid-19, debut ep, diary, diary writing, distinction, emotions, exercise, final project, fresh start, goals, good habits, grades, habits, health, honest ep, hydrotherapy, hydrotherapy referral, hypermobile, hypermobility, invisible braces, masters, masters degree, masters degree in songwriting, masters degree year two, masters part time, mental health, mental illness, music industry, negativity, new project, new year, new years resolutions, obsessive compulsive disorder, ocd, pandemic, pandemic 2020, physical health, positivity, processing emotions, setting goals, singersongwriter, singersongwriter life, swimming, therapy, university
Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), ADHD (Inattentive Type), and Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), as well as several mental health issues.
I’m a singer-songwriter (it’s my biggest special interest and I have both a BA and MA in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is on all platforms, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.
My debut EP, Honest, is available on all platforms, with a limited physical run at Resident Music in Brighton.
I’m currently working on an album about my experiences as an autistic woman.