The Last Few Weeks…

I’m not quite sure how to describe the last few weeks. Intense, maybe. There’s been a lot going on and I’ve done things and felt things that I’ve wanted to write about but couldn’t figure out how. So I’m writing this, with the good, the bad, and the weird of the last few weeks.

So first, I got to take part in a research study for the Centre for Research in Autism and Education at University College London. I’ve written about my experience with research studies before (here) so I won’t ramble on but I love doing them. It often feels like Autism takes opportunities away from me but this allows me to do something I’d never expected and that’s really exciting. I got to put the EEG cap back on and have my brain waves monitored while I did some computer tasks. It was investigating perceptual capacity in Autism (which I’ve written more about here) and it was really fun, like a Windows computer game from the nineties. And apart from trying to get the saline gel out of my hair, it was a really great experience.

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I also went and gave blood for the first time. That was very exciting! I’ve wanted to give blood for years but up until now I haven’t been well enough or I was on medication that disqualified me. So getting to do it was really exciting and a really cool experience. Everyone was really lovely and I’ve since had a text telling me where my donated blood has gone. So the whole thing was really special and I will definitely do it again.

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Despite these cool and inspiring experiences, my mental health has been pretty bad: I reached a new low with my depression. I feel like I’m always saying that the current period of depression is the worst it’s ever been but for me, there are real differences: new thought patterns, new emotional states, new lines, new fears. Each period of depression has a different colour. Anyway. It’s been really bad and really hard and I’ve had some desperate moments.

Medication wise, it’s been a rollercoaster. As per usual. I got myself all but off the Amitriptyline a while ago but I just wasn’t ready to try another medication straight away. It’s a tough process and I just needed some time to feel steady, even if that was steadily bad. Maybe not the most logical decision I’ve made but it made sense to me at the time. And ultimately it doesn’t matter now. I’ve started the Clomipramine, which is what everyone wanted me to do. Finding the right medication and the right dosage can be pretty gruelling and I just needed to be in the right mental headspace. I’m not sure how I feel about the Clomipramine but it’s still early days.

And on this last Monday, I went to see Maren Morris play an amazing, intimate show at OMEARA in London. The staff were great about making it accessible and I was let in without having to queue and there was a chair reserved for me – I really, really miss the days where I could stand for hours without a problem. And the show was fantastic. Maren is one of my all time favourite artists/songwriters and it was one of the best shows I’ve ever been to.

“When this wonderful world gets heavy and I need to find my escape… yeah, I guess that’s my church.” // @marenmorris was a complete dream tonight. Beautiful, beautiful songs, singing, and stories. My little songwriter soul is so happy. (x)

It might be blurry but I love this photo of me and @richardmarcmusic after the @marenmorris show tonight. We had SUCH a good time. We’re constantly listening to her music, whether we’re in a songwriting session or just chilling out and playing Mariokart. So we were two happy beans tonight. (x)

And now it’s December. Most of my family have birthdays in December and January and of course there’s Christmas and New Year. So that’s a lot of fun things but it also means a lot of high emotion and stress. It’s a tricky time. I’ve found Christmas difficult for the last few years so I’m going to have to be careful to manage my physical and mental health throughout this period. I’m going back to the post I wrote last year about managing Christmas with anxiety and Autism – if that sounds like it might be helpful, you can find it here.

A Study of Autism

Last week I got to take part in another Autism research study. I’ve done a couple of these before but that was before I was writing this blog and I just haven’t got around to writing them up. So far I’ve done two at Kent University; the second one involved seeing my brain waves, which was really cool (although the saline gel that made it easier to pick up my brain waves was not cool – it was gross). This one was at Sussex University and focussed on how people see, process, and remember colour. I was really excited about it since I seem to be very sensitive and responsive to colour. And even though I’ve been really struggling with my energy, I had a really good time.

I was there for about three hours. To begin with, I did a couple of tasks to assess my colour vision and a couple of Autism questionnaires. And later on I did an IQ test. These tasks aren’t used for a clinical evaluation but to provide quantitative scores so that you can compare all the data in the study. This makes the research more reliable because you’re not, for example, comparing two people with vastly different abilities. I’m not massively into IQ tests as an idea – my Psychology teacher used to say that the only thing a high IQ proves is that you’re good at IQ tests – but I did get a great deal of satisfaction out of completing one of the tasks that I’ve previously never been able to do.

The main part of the session was devoted to several different tasks involving colour. One had me putting names to different coloured squares of card, another involved manipulating the colours in various images to turn them grey, and a third required me to repeatedly choose which of two squares was bluer. When we were done, all of these tests were explained to me, what each one showed and how they would draw their conclusions. Had I not fallen in love with songwriting, I probably would’ve done Psychology at university and it’s something that I’ve really missed so I geeked out over it. It was really fun.

I get so much out of doing these research studies. It feels so good to use my Autism for something positive when most of the time, it’s something that I struggle against. I’m still wrestling with how that discovery has changed my life so to be able to channel it into something that will help people helps me. The other reason I like doing these is because all that’s required of me is to be myself as an Autistic person. I don’t have to moderate my behaviour, consciously or unconsciously, and that is so freeing. It’s also kind of empowering: it reminds me that I’m a productive person who can contribute, that I’m not less because I’m Autistic, that I can do good. It’s easy to forget that when you’re struggling with something overwhelming.

So it was a good day. I definitely recommend getting involved with these sorts of projects if you can. I often hear about them through my local Autism charities so search out the ones near your location if you’re interested!

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