Finding HopeGlimmers
TW: descriptions of meltdowns, mentions of pet loss/grief, theatre about rape and sexual assault trials, bad disabled access experiences and ableism (and not a trigger but vague spoilers for the TV Show, Alice and Steve).
At the beginning of June, I went looking for the month’s new photo challenge and found this instead: a challenge to find a glimmer every day for the thirty days of June…
Most of us have heard of a ‘trigger,’ of ‘being triggered’: when we see, hear, sense, etc something that activates our nervous system and ‘triggers’ our stress response to danger, whether that be fight, flight, fawn, or freeze. We become anxious and tense and our breathing and heart rate increase, all things that are helping when facing an actual threat but not so much when we’re dealing with memories, anxiety, and daily stresses. Living in this activated state is terrible for both our physical and mental health and can result in long-term physical and mental health problems, as well as acquired neurodivergent conditions such as CPTSD, and it can be incredibly difficult to heal your nervous system after living in this state for an extended period of time (I say this from experience – I’m trying to do it right now in therapy). But where there are triggers that activate our sympathetic nervous systems, there are ‘glimmers’ that help us to regulate our nervous systems, bringing us out of that activated state, and move us into a rest state, activating our parasympathetic nervous systems. This shift can be initiated by a sign of safety, something that makes you feel calm and peaceful and connected. Our brains are constantly scanning for information and making predictions to keep us safe but human brains have a negativity bias and we’re much more likely to see potential threats than we are to see signals of safety. This is why building in the practice of noticing the glimmers throughout your day is so good for your nervous system and your overall health: you’re retraining your brain to see safety over threat, you’re building emotional resilience in a healthy way, and you’re guiding an overactive nervous system into a more stable sense of calm.
Glimmers don’t negate any distress, mental health struggle, or trauma that we might be dealing with but they do help to create a balance in our lives where we are more able to manage these issues; the more we can notice the glimmers in our daily lives, the greater capacity we have to function, to heal, to connect. They can’t, for example, cure a chronic illness but improved nervous system regulation – a result of retraining our brains to identify safety and joy – is beneficial for our mental health and therefore make us more able to manage the challenges we’re facing; we’re more likely to be in a regulated state, built on a stable foundation, when that challenge appears, rather than in a stressed emotional state where we’re already running out of the capacity we need to make decisions or manage the situation. I’m in no way an expert at regulating myself but, a few weeks ago, I was triggered by a very loud noise while waiting to see my doctor and, in the past, I absolutely would’ve had a meltdown but because I am getting better at regulating myself, I was able to manage my response and my emotional reaction and avert a full blown meltdown; it was hard and I was still overstimulated and upset but I wasn’t crying and screaming and curled up on the floor so I’m calling that a very big win. Noticing glimmers and making that a habit slowly changes the pathways in your brain, helping you to become more regulated with a nervous system that is less likely to get triggered. And while these are just words on a screen, the result of this practice can be absolutely life changing. And the more open and willing you are, the more benefits you are likely to experience.
So a challenge like this is a great way to practice noticing the glimmers in your life. I’ve been doing it for some time but I’ve never really documented it or talked about it on here so I thought I’d use this as an opportunity…
Monday 1st June – I take Daisy, my Autism Assistance Dog, to therapy every week and she has been, without fail, amazing during my sessions. Sometimes she just lies beside me but sometimes she will climb onto my lap and get as close as possible, applying deep pressure with her body weight. Then, while I’m on the massage table for the somatic massage part of the session, she usually curls up on the sofa or lies on the floor as close to alongside me as she can get. It’s so cute and she’s such a comforting, stabilising presence. During today’s session however, she was curled up on the sofa and she suddenly starting making a really strange noise. She does snooze sometimes while I’m having therapy but she never goes to sleep so deeply that she snores so I was really surprised. But it wasn’t quite a snore: it sounds more like loud, heavy purring! Both me and my therapist burst out laughing, which did snap her back to the present, but it was so funny and so adorable and I’ve never heard her do it before. I really hope she does it again sometime.
(LEFT: Daisy on the sofa with me during my therapy session. // RIGHT: My first ice cream sandwich in years.)
Tuesday 2nd June – I had a lot of up and down emotions in the morning because of trying to get Gracie Abrams tickets and the whole ordeal of trying to navigate the access system for The O2 (I did manage to get tickets, which I am excited about, but it was very stressful) so, from that point on, it was a pretty quiet, undemanding day. However, my Mum had bought ice cream sandwiches, which I haven’t had in years so that was a lovely treat.
Wednesday 3rd June – It was a quiet day but it still held a few glimmers! In the morning, I found two of my three cats, Mouse and Tiger (who are sisters, left and right respectively), curled up together on my Mum’s bed and I got to have some bonding time with them. Between the recent heatwave and the fact that I almost always have a dog at my ankle, they’re not always in the mood for snuggles but for whatever reason, they were very keen today, especially Tiger – she couldn’t get enough chin scratches and I ultimately had to get moving before she dismissed me. It was so cute and I’m still really missing Sooty, one of Mouse’s kittens (she had to be put down very suddenly not long ago), so every moment with them feels extra precious right now.
(LEFT: Snuggles with Mouse (left) and Sooty (right). // RIGHT: Daisy on the sofa with me, draped over my leg.)
I also had a really lovely moment with Daisy. One of her advanced tasks is to pick up on my anxiety or stress, come to me, and lie across me or in my lap, using her body weight to apply Deep Pressure Therapy, which helps me to ground myself and to regulate my nervous system, bringing down my anxiety. Because of how much pain I was in last year due to the pinched nerve in my back, this skill has been hard to practice and between Daisy’s presence and the progress I can see myself making in therapy (even though there are still days when it doesn’t feel like it), I’ve ended up not needing her to perform DPT as much as I’d initially expected. So this task isn’t as practiced and therefore as ingrained as some of her other skills: most of the time I still have to ask her to come to me or my Mum will bring her over to me and then she knows what to do. But today, when I was in the middle of getting wound up about something, she came over by herself, hopped up onto the sofa and stretched out beside me, leaning her full weight against my body. Initially it was surprise that stopped my spiralling more than anything else but then the pressure started to kick in and I tried to keep my focus on her and slowly my anxiety did start to go down. So that’s a huge win but it also definitely felt like a glimmer, both emotionally and physically: she was, after all, helping me to regulate my nervous system but the fact that it was one of the first times that she’d done it completely unprompted, just as this month of focussing on glimmers is starting, felt so timely and therefore extra sweet. (Also Sara Bareilles announced her first album since Amidst The Chaos (2019), which just filled me with so much excitement and love for her and her music – she’s truly such a special artist.)
Thursday 4th June – Today was stressful but it was also full of glimmers, most of which I wasn’t able to photograph. Driving into London, I saw a woman with a bag that said “I’m so recycled to see you,” which for some reason deeply entertained me and has made me giggle every time it’s popped back into my head. I was going to see Romeo & Juliet at The Harold Pinter Theatre in London and it was also Daisy’s first experience of going to the theatre, of anything even vaguely resembling that kind of environment. I found it quite nerve-wracking to leave her with the staff while I went to my seat but they were all so lovely (particular shout out to Georgia for being particularly wonderful!) and they were all so respectful and kind and open to whatever I (or Daisy needed) – it was an absolutely amazing first experience in this kind of event/environment. That’s what I really want to highlight here because more often than not, people aren’t so respectful, but I also want to give honourable mentions to the father-daughter low-five-fist-bump that Sadie Sink and Clark Gregg exchanged during their first on stage interaction as Juliet and Lord Capulet respectively – it was just really funny and cute and it was just such a Dad thing to do – and then, when I met Clark Gregg at the stage door, how carefully he put my letter into his bag. We didn’t even have a minute of interaction but he was very sweet about my letter and about meeting Daisy (he played one of the most significant characters in Agents of Shield, the show that Daisy’s namesake is from) and as much as I’m sure he’s a pro at all of this stage door/crowd interaction/autographing aspect of being an actor, the set up of this stage door felt like it would be very overwhelming to walk out to and so I deeply appreciated that, although the interaction was brief, it didn’t feel rushed and that was because of how he managed it. The play was also incredible and there were multiple moments where I just felt so moved just to be there, witnessing it. So it was a day full of glimmers really.
(LEFT: Daisy settled on her mat at The Harold Pinter Theatre in London while I saw Romeo & Juliet. // RIGHT: Working on a track with in Logic Pro X with my producer, Richard Marc.)
Friday 5th June – Another busy day with many glimmers! I left early and headed across London to do a session with Richard Marc, my producer, and on the tube, I found myself dancing around to the new Maisie Peters album, Florescence – not wildly or obnoxiously or in anyone’s personal space but just ambivalent to what people might thinking to my swaying or bouncing on the spot of whatever I felt in the moment; it was nice and it was freeing to just not care what people thought. That’s pretty rare for me: it’s not that I necessarily care what people are thinking but even just being looked at can activate my sympathetic nervous system (yes, I realise the irony of that when I willingly put myself on stage to perform very vulnerable songs that I write not thinking about who will hear them). It was a good session but the glimmer that really sticks out to me after the fact was, when we were trying to create a particular vocal effect, Richard pointing out that I sounded like I belonged in The Clangers, which just absolutely cracked me up because it was so accurate. I surprised both of us by how hard I laughed and that just made it even more funny to me. His family are also really dear to me so it’s always lovely to spend time with them and then, when I got back to Brighton, one of my dogs – Izzy, who had not been included in the London trip and therefore hadn’t seen me for over twenty-hour hours – was absolutely beside herself to see me. Daisy was very happy to see me too but Izzy was grinning, licking me, patting me with her paws, wrapping her legs around my arm, and then eventually settled in what we call ‘first position,’ where she tucks herself along the length of my forearm, between my arm and my stomach – how I held her on her very first (and very long) car journey when I first brought her home. It’s so adorable and I feel like my heart will burst out of my chest every single time she does it.
Saturday 6th June – It was a quiet day (thankfully – I was tired after such a busy few days) and I deliberately didn’t have a lot going on. But I slept really well for the first time in months and when I woke up, I could really feel it in my body and it felt so good. Another simple thing about the day was the freshness in the air, how it smelled like there was going to be a thunderstorm. I don’t think we got one in the end, unless I slept through it completely, but that change of air pressure felt so good after the hot weather and I really tried to just sit and breathe it all in.
(LEFT: My super cosy bed with Daisy waiting for me. // RIGHT: One of the songs included in the Maisie Peters’ workshop with Poetry Orchard and MazzieMemes.)
Sunday 7th June – I woke up to an Instagram message from Clark Gregg, in response to the letter I gave him at the stage door of Romeo & Juliet, and I was so touched that he took the time not only to read it but to reply. I also had a really lovely cuddle with Daisy when she climbed into my lap to give me some Deep Pressure Therapy. And then… always a highlight of my week: a Poetry Orchard workshop. This one was a deep dive into the new Maisie Peters’ album, Florescence, in collaboration with Maisie’s biggest fan page on social media, MazzieMemes, and it was so much fun! The atmosphere was just so excitable and creative and supportive and it was great to have so many new people in the group, sharing thoughts and ideas and the poems they wrote; it was so creatively invigorating and my jaw was on the floor over how amazing these poems were. I was really pleased with my piece too and the idea of re-running the workshop did come up, which would be so much fun.
Monday 8th June – I didn’t have the most interesting day but I did finally manage to record my lyrical analysis video for TikTok, which I’ve been meaning to do for a while. So just completing it was a glimmer in it’s own right. But as I was talking and sharing the ideas I’d already made notes on, I was having more ideas and making more connections and having new perspectives as I went and the feeling of my brain firing and firing and firing – like a firework show – was so exciting and fun and just felt really amazing. I don’t think that there’s a greater joy than when it feels like this and given that I’ve been struggling with my creative brain for a while, it was even more satisfying. Now I just have to edit the video down because it got very long! And then, in the middle of night, I was still awake and heard Daisy dreaming, even with half of the house between us. She’s so loud and she makes such funny noises when she’s dreaming that it always makes me laugh.
Tuesday 9th June – It was quite an intense day but, at one point, Daisy climbed into my lap, responding to my stress and applying Deep Pressure Therapy and, of course, Izzy (my little dog) had to be involved and snuggled up with me too; it was really sweet and definitely did bring my stress down. They’re so adorable. And later in the day, after quite an emotional therapy session, the group of friends I’d watched Avatar: The Last Airbender with (one of my favourite experiences over the last year) reunited to start watching Andor. I’ve never watched anything in the Star Wars franchise but I hadn’t been familiar with Avatar and ended up having a great time so I was happy to go with the recommendation; it took me a couple of episodes to get into it but then there was a specific moment in the third episode that just had me absolutely hooked and that was so fun – I’ve been choosing such bad or… meh films and TV shows recently that it was so exciting to feel so hyped about a new TV show. And last but not least, I ended up spending over an hour on the Splice INSTRUMENT plug-in and having such a good time finding and downloading new sounds to use in the production of my music. It really got my brain firing and it got me so inspired to create new things and try out new sounds.
(LEFT: Scrolling through new sounds on Splice INSTRUMENT. // RIGHT: At the studio, choosing new sounds from Splice INSTRUMENT – with Daisy’s supervision.)
Wednesday 10th June – I got up early to go to London and on the drive up, I was playing my Mum the new Maisie Peters’ album, Florescence, and it was gorgeous and sunny and I was just feeling everything and both the sad and happy songs made me cry; I was just feeling really emotional and open and it was kind of amazing to be so moved by these big emotions, happy and sad. I also had a really great session in the studio with my cowriter and producer, Richard Marc, and we worked on a new song; I’m obsessed with the track we’ve created and I can’t stop listening to it! And what also feels very exciting is that, while it absolutely is a collaboration, more and more of the ideas are coming from me: I’m better able to articulate my ideas for a track; I know more about how to achieve the sounds that I’m imagining so I can say exactly what I want an instrument to do because I know that it will create the effect that I want; I have so much more experience with plug-ins and so I can go straight to a particular sound or effect rather than trying to describe the sound for Richard to try and find or create… I’m still learning how to produce but I feel so much more confident, both in my ideas and in how to implement them; I can feel the change and it’s really exciting and empowering.
Thursday 11th June – I so wanted to see Romeo & Juliet again before the run ended, if at all possible, but I couldn’t afford another ticket at the full price so I tried the other options, like the ticket lottery, and then – because she is the absolute best – my Mum was able to get me a rush ticket. I was so excited that I was able to go again that I forgot that these tickets were THE FRONT ROW! It was incredible to be so close to these amazing actors, to be able to see their facial expressions and body language so clearly; it was amazing from the dress circle but this was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I was beyond moved by it, by the storytelling, by the themes, by the performances… I fear it has set a very high bar for future theatre experiences. I’m kidding. Mostly. It truly was a once in a lifetime show and I’ll never forget it.
(LEFT: In the front row of The Harold Pinter Theatre for Romeo & Juliet, so close to the stage that I could touch it. // RIGHT: Noah Jupe (left), Sadie Sink (middle), and Clark Gregg (right) during the encore for Romeo & Juliet.)
Friday 12th June – Most of the day was monopolised by a migraine but I did manage to reclaim some of the day after I’d medicated it into submission, which was satisfying. And my signed Maisie Peters’ albums arrived (apart from one that was missing – I’ve emailed the shop about that) and they are so gorgeous! I’ve never had anything signed by Maisie before – I did buy a signed copy of The Good Witch secondhand but it doesn’t feel the same as getting your own and knowing it’s just yours – and so I’m just so happy to have these signed albums that have lyrics I chose on them. They are so beautiful to me!
(LEFT: My signed Florescence CD and vinyl, with lyrics from ‘Girl’s Just Flying’ and ‘Old Fashioned’ respectively. // RIGHT: Some of my favourite vinyls finally up on my wall.)
Saturday 13th June – I finally got my vinyls up on the wall in my bedroom! Between life being busy and needing a drill to get the shelves up (the noise of a drill can cause a meltdown on the best day), it’s been on the to do list for ages. And now, finally, the shelves are on the wall and my favourite vinyls are on display! Well, not all of my favourite vinyls! I limited myself to one per artist, which was the case for most of them to be honest, and I don’t have some of my favourite albums on vinyl (like Kaleidoscope Heart and The Blessed Unrest by Sara Bareilles) so I used the one vinyl of hers that I do have (although I do also love that album a lot too). I love looking at it – it looks so cool! Although, now that I have a signed copy of Florescence, I am very torn about which Maisie album to display!
Sunday 14th June – Although the process of dyeing my hair always feel like a very arduous one (anyone with POTS who dyes their hair – I know you get me), having my hair re-dyed is always so satisfying. I am still so obsessed with the colours and style, even after all these years, and the refreshed look always makes me feel good! I just need to get the rest of the orange dye out of my skin and I’ll be good to go!
(LEFT: Me with freshly dyed hair. // RIGHT: A very clean, sweet-smelling Izzy, curled up in my lap while she dried off.)
Monday 15th June – It was such a horrible day that glimmers were hide to find, both because upsetting things just kept happening (which I had to keep responding to so I never really got free of it all) and because, when I feel so completely overwhelmed by depression, anxiety, and… overwhelm, glimmers are so much harder to see. That is, after all, one of the big problems with depression: it stops seeing good things and after a while, you stop believing that those good things exist. I’ve lived with depression for so long that, unless I’m deep in the trenches of it, I can usually still recognise some of the familiar glimmers even if I can’t really feel or connect to them. But today I just couldn’t see anything that I could even exaggerate into a glimmer so I decided that I needed to engineer one. So Izzy ended up getting a shower. It was not a glimmer for her (she cooperates but she hates it when her ears get even a little bit wet) but it was for me: I got a lap full of warm, silky, sweet smelling dog and I really, really needed it. She was so soft and she smelled likes pears and she just wanted cuddles and I tried to soak up every second of it. It was hard but I tried and it did help a bit.
Tuesday 16th June – I had such a bad, hard, overwhelming day but Izzy was a constant presence. She was such a velcro dog but in the best way: she was either curled up in my lap or curled up right beside me, pressed against my leg, like she knew how much I was struggling and was trying to be there for me and make it better. She has always had a thing about “helping” and “fixing things,” which is very cute. For example, she always tries to lick away my tears when I’m crying, like “See! The sad is gone!” It always makes me smile, even if I’m still upset. Izzy’s presence obviously didn’t fix all of the stuff that was overwhelming me but trying to get through the day while having almost constant contact with her is so much better than trying to do it without.
(LEFT: Izzy being super snuggly and lick-y on a very bad day. // RIGHT: The Red Bull van – have they finally tracked me down?!)
Wednesday 17th June – Despite it being an absurdly stressful and overwhelming day, there were a number of really lovely glimmers. When I walked out of my house, there was a Red Bull van, which – as a big Red Bull drinker – made me giggle; I texted my friend a picture with “They’ve found me!” The Red Bull guy was actually there to stock up the corner-shop-like-shop-that-isn’t-on-a-corner and I ended up chatting to him when he came out, joking that he really should’ve just delivered them straight to me since I’m no doubt their best Red Bull customer. He was really nice and then, just as I was getting in the car to leave, he came over and gave me a couple of cans of flavours I haven’t tried yet – for free! It was so sweet of him and I was genuinely so moved; it had just been a quick chat and we hadn’t exchanged names or anything so it was a really nice thing to do and even just that would’ve made my day. But there was so much day still to go! My Mum and I drove up to London and the two of us, Daisy, and another of my parents headed to HMV Oxford Street for the Maisie Peters signing event. We’d had great difficulty with their disabled access – from the moment I’d bought my ticket – and when I was finally able to get in touch with someone, they’d said that there was nothing they could do, that their limited access spaces were full (how can a queue have limited access spaces?!). The whole thing had caused multiple meltdowns and so many days had been swallowed up by the stress of it. But my parent, who has also been my disability advocate before in the past, had gone in the day before and gotten it all sorted; she came in with us today just to be sure and thankfully it was and all of the staff we spoke to were wonderful and so, so helpful and got us sorted kindly and efficiently (I have many thoughts about this access experience but I don’t want to dwell on that here). With that sorted, I was a bit less stressed out; my capacity was still pretty low but I felt like the event went pretty well. Everybody was lovely about Daisy – the head of events was particularly taken with her – and she was a superstar despite the completely new experience but more on her in a minute. I had a really fun time chatting with the people next to me in the queue, about concerts and signings and tattoos (and Daisy, of course) and then it was time for the signing. I was up first because of having Daisy (I am so grateful that I don’t really get starstruck anymore – and if I do, I’m able to lock it down until I’m not in front of the person I’m star struck by) so I was able to talk to Maisie rather than freeze up. She was so lovely and I introduced her to Daisy (her fans are ‘Daisies’ so it felt very fitting): Daisy, on my instruction, put her paws on the table and Maisie was able to stroke her and say a proper hello and it was just really adorable. There wasn’t time for a proper conversation and I was very aware that there were about three hundred people behind me, all waiting for their moment, so I gave her the card I’d written for her – which had the important things I would’ve wanted to share with her – and we focussed on the signing. She wrote ‘To Lauren’ on the Florescence CD I’d brought and ‘To Lauren and Daisy’ on the vinyl of The Good Witch that I’d brought! I love it when people do this: it’s so hilarious and so cute! She was so lovely and we took a picture (which I actually like!) before saying goodbye. I’m not sure I made much of an impression but I’m pretty sure Daisy did! I had a bit of an adrenaline crash that almost devolved into a meltdown when it was over – the stress of making that happen had just been so overwhelming and it was finally really hitting me. I managed to get through the rest of the day and Izzy was beside herself to see me when I got home, all wiggles and grins, which was absolutely delightful. And then, the icing on a day so full of glimmers, I shared some photos of Daisy meeting Maisie and so many people said so many nice things: one person had even taken better pictures than the ones I had and shared them with me, which made me so, so happy. You can properly see Daisy with her jacket (decorated with daisies) and Maisie’s face while talking to her; I love them so much.
(LEFT & RIGHT: Maisie Peters meeting Daisy at the HMV Oxford Street Florescence album signing.)
Thursday 18th June – Between a string of long, busy days and sleeping terribly, I was absolutely exhausted but I still managed to get up and go to London to see the play, Inter Alia, at Wyndham’s Theatre. It’s practically a one woman play with Rosamund Pike starring as a judge trying to balance her job with being a wife and mother; when her son is accused of rape, her role as a mother, her identity as a feminist, and her career overseeing rape and sexual assault trials are all called into question, by herself and others. It was an amazing show and Rosamund Pike’s performance was an incredible demonstration of craft and skill; the actors playing her character’s husband, Jamie Glover, and son, Cormac McAlinden, were also fantastic but I’m not sure she left the stage once in just under two hours, serving as both main character and narrator. I was utterly captivated and suddenly it was the last scene which was unbelievably powerful, due to both the performances from Rosamund Pike and Cormac McAlinden and the piece of music playing, what I believe was an original composition by one of the composers, Erin LeCount. The fact that Erin was one of the two composers of the show was my initial reason for wanting to see the show and I’m so glad I did and the final song was stunning. I was about to burst into tears when the lights went out and suddenly it was the end. The run ends this week so I’m really, really glad I got to see it: the story was really compelling and I know I’ll be thinking about it for a long time. The access staff were also fantastic; it was a really great access experience, which was so lovely after all of the stress about getting access lately. The moon was also really pretty and my dogs were super excited to see me when I got home, which was absolutely adorable.
(LEFT: At the theatre to see Inter Alia. // RIGHT: A post-sedation, very sleepy Izzy.)
Friday 19th June – Izzy had to go to the vet for some tests (which she had to have under sedation) so she was very sleepy and floppy all afternoon. She just curled up in my lap, rested her chin on arm, and slept the day away and it was just super, super cute. We also had a Virgin Media guy come to sort out our very glitchy TV and he was so cool and we ended up having a lovely chat about music and tattoos and our animals; unknown people coming into my space is usually a pretty stressful experience but today it was really nice.
Saturday 20th June – It was a quiet day, thank goodness, so I didn’t see much outside of my living room, limiting the opportunities for glimmers somewhat. But my Mum came home with muffins unexpectedly, which was lovely, and she’d had a good day out despite being nervous about it, which I was really pleased to hear about. I also finally finished my blog post about the first year of having Daisy, a fully qualified assistance dog after slowly chipping away at it for months! That was very satisfying and such a relief! And then, when I was checking my phone before I went to bed, I saw that I had a really lovely comment on one of my videos and that made me actually flap with joy; so much of social media just feels like shouting into the void so getting real engagement is always exciting but getting a comment like this one was just… I cannot describe it accurately because you cannot see my stimming.
Sunday 21st June – I was feeling very stressed and overwhelmed all day but my Mum did suddenly appear with amazing, fresh banana bread. It was still warm to eat and that did cheer me up a bit.
(LEFT: The banana bread my Mum made. // RIGHT: My copy of The Fangirl Journal from The Fangirl Nation – it arrived just a couple of days after I ordered it!)
Monday 22nd June – I had a good morning: I discovered a really cool notebook called The Fangirl Journal, which allows you to enthuse about all of the things – all of the forms of media – that you’re enjoying in one place. I’ve never seen that before and I’ve been looking for somewhere to put all of that stuff for ages! I also had a really lovely comment on my TikTok cover of ‘The Cinema’ by Erin LeCount, which made me so happy and glowy. I’ve been doing a lot more planning and posting more consistently on social media and I am seeing a change, which is really satisfying to see. The afternoon/evening was less good though: therapy felt very hard and I felt unexpectedly triggered afterwards. I couldn’t figure out what was causing it and after a while, I just had to lie down on the sofa and sleep to get away from it. I didn’t feel great when I woke up but I did feel a bit better and a little less close to having a meltdown.
Tuesday 23rd June – Because of the heat, I really, really struggled to sleep and was still awake when my Mum got up in the morning. I was still feeling really triggered and depressed and so I didn’t just get up and ended up drifting off and sleeping through the worst of those feelings. That did help my mood a bit over the day but I did feel pretty terrible when I first woke up, like I was suffocating in the heat because, oh my god, it was hot: it was in the mid-thirties for most of the hours that I was awake for and I do not cope well in the heat. So, between the bad night, the heat, and my low mood, I really, really struggled to find a glimmer; I really thought I wasn’t going to find anything even vaguely resembling one. But then, in the evening, I continued a watch-a-long of Andor (Season 1) with friends and although I’m still struggling to keep up with all of the characters and elements of the society (especially on very little sleep) but I am invested and it was really lovely to spend some time with friends, even just in a group chat as we watched the show.
Wednesday 24th June – Despite the horrendous heat, I actually slept well and somewhat restfully, which is practically unheard of for me so I started the day feeling better than I had in a while. It was so hot – again, mid to high thirties – that travel into London was strongly advised against but I’d been looking forward to a gig in London for weeks so I was determined to go. But throughout the day, my POTS symptoms got worse and worse, I got more and more anxious about something going wrong and being without Daisy (it was far too hot for her to be working), and then my skin started reacting to the heat, getting hot and raised and itchy and sore; I was pretty miserable but still only reluctantly admitted defeat just before I would’ve had to leave. So, between the health havoc going on and my bad mood about missing the gig, I was not a happy camper but somehow I did manage to turn the day around somewhat (I include all of this because I feel like it was somewhat of a glimmer to be able to actually have an okay afternoon and evening after such a rubbish day). I still managed to do the session of the my social media course – even though I felt like my skin was on fire and like my brain was melting out of my ears – and for the first time, I felt like I actually kind of knew what I was doing: several of the things mentioned are things I’m actually doing and several more are in process. It obviously wouldn’t be great if this was the case for the whole course because I wouldn’t be learning anything (and I really have been) but it was satisfying to know that there are things I’m doing right already, that I’ve been able to work out for myself. In the evening, my Mum and I started watching Alice and Steve, which we’re both really enjoying already; we both love Nicola Walker so much and she’s so funny in this. I would not change my Mum – or any of my parents – for the world but I am vaguely (and very unseriously) jealous of the actors who get to have her as their pretend Mum. I also FINALLY bought a new desk chair after looking for the right one for months – years really – and it will arrive next week! I also successfully practiced waiting on a hyperfixation craft project to see if I still wanted to do it over two months later and since I do, I treated myself to some coloured pens that were on sale, so that was a multi-layered win. And because apparently that wasn’t enough, a vague song idea came to me just after I’d gone to bed (at around 2am) so I got up, put a wet towel over my head to try and stay cool, and sat down at the piano to try and work it out. I’m not sure how I feel about it but I’m glad I tried and it makes for a funny story if nothing else.
(LEFT: Attempting to write a song during the heatwave, the towel around my neck so that my face was visible for the photo. // RIGHT: Izzy with her ice cream.)
Thursday 25th June – We finally managed to track down some dog ice cream, which Izzy and Daisy were both very excited about. I have never seen such focus; they were not going to be distracted for anything! It was very cute and even cuter when we saw that they both had some on their chins! My Fangirl Diary arrived and I booked in my next few tattoos, which does feel a bit nerve-wracking but also really exciting!
(LEFT: Online production session with Richard Marc. // RIGHT: Breath by James Nestor. Finished at last!)
Friday 26th June – It was a good day! The heat finally started coming down a little, enough at least that I didn’t feel like I was constantly choking on the hot air. But it was still too hot to drive to London (with the dogs in the car) for a production session with Richard and it was clearly very hot in his studio so we decided to work online instead; everything we wanted to do could be done remotely, thank goodness. We finished several things, which is very exciting, and we worked on something new, which is also very exciting; I love my last project, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1, so much but I’ve also been working on it for a really long time so it’s really invigorating to work on something new and different. I also did some writing just on my guitar and although I’m not sure how I feel about what I wrote, it felt good to do. And then I finally finished Breath by James Nestor! I’ve been reading it for about two months and while I’ve found it fascinating, I did struggle to get through it: I think part of that was because of how much information there was to absorb but I think it was mostly because the chapters were really long and that can be a bit of a sticking point for me as a reader with ADHD. When I went to tell my Mum (we’ve been talking about how weirdly hard I’ve found this book), she showed me that her first sweet pea is blooming – sweet peas are very special to us, so much so that we have matching sweet pea tattoos. Then we gave the dogs frozen blueberries for the first time and it was very funny to watch them chase them around the kitchen and then balk at the new texture and flavour – not that it stopped them! We had also bought them an extra special ice cream, since it is Izzy’s birthday and was Daisy’s birthday just over a week ago, which we gave them, much to their absolute glee; they are definitely huge fans of ice cream and it was so cute to watch them lick their bowls with such incredible focus, their tails wagging wildly. Then me and my Mum watched another episode of Alice and Steve, which we’re both getting such a kick out of; all of the actors are really good in their roles but Nicola Walker is, as usual, absolutely brilliant. I’d meant to go to bed early but I ended up chatting with friends online and the conversation just got more and more ridiculous until I was laughing so hard that no noise was coming out: I was crying and wheezing and my stomach hurt and it was just wonderful. It’s been a while since I’ve laughed like that. So I did go to bed much later than intended but it did mean that I was still awake when the downpour started. We’d had a thunderstorm earlier in the evening but it had been pretty far away so I didn’t quite get that negative ion buzz (I think that’s what it is – correct me if I’m wrong!) that I usually get during storms and that’s one of the things I love most about them. I was pleased with that but then, around 2am, the skies opened and it just rained and rained and rained. I sprinted out of the house with Izzy and Daisy and we should stood in the garden, soaking up the rain and cool air; it was glorious.
(LEFT: Daisy and Izzy with their birthday ice cream. // RIGHT: Standing in the garden as the thunderstorm started.)
Saturday 27th June – I managed to sort out a lot of small tasks that have been taking up space in my brain, which was very pleasing, and my Mum and I even managed to book tickets for a one off National Theatre Live screening – The Misanthrope with Sandra Oh! – in September, which is very on the ball for us. We had a pretty good thunderstorm going on and off throughout the afternoon, which made the air feel so good, and I managed to do a bit more songwriting; I really don’t know how I feel about it but it helps me to feel less frenzied in both my brain and my body by trying to do it. I also went for a swim for the first time in too long and it was so, so lovely, even without the relief from the heat. It just felt wonderful to be in the water again and to use my body without pain. I was also very pleased with myself because I’d managed to find my waterproof headphones (and the charging cable!) just in time to take them so I was able to listen to music while I swam, which is always a nice experience since my thoughts have a tendency to go a little haywire when left to their own devices. It was just delightful and I’m a bit sad that I now won’t be able to swim for a while since I’m getting some new tattoos – I’m obviously very excited about that but my love of swimming and my love of tattoos aren’t easily compatible. Back at home and unwinding before bed, my Mum and I watched the last episode of Alice and Steve (so far, hopefully!), which was absolutely fucking hysterical – see the screenshot below – and had us shrieking multiple times. I generally prefer Nicola Walker in her darker dramas because that’s always been a genre I enjoy more than comedy but she’s a fantastic comic actor, as this episode proves.
(LEFT: A delightful trip to the pool. // RIGHT: Nicola Walker taking unhinged to new levels in Alice and Steve.)
Sunday 28th June – It was a hard day so I did struggle to find glimmers but I had a catch up phone call with an old friend and we talked for an hour and a half, which was so, so lovely. She’s currently living abroad so I don’t get to see her anywhere near as much as I wish I could but it was so great to hear all of her news, both exciting and day to day. I’m really, really looking forward to the next time we can hang out in person because I miss her so much.
Monday 29th June – It turned out to be a really big day! I got to meet the lovely Erin LeCount again outside the BBC at a semi-impromtu meet up to celebrate the release of her new single, ‘The Cinema’ (such a great song). She is the absolute sweetest and she was so gorgeous with Daisy and it was so lovely to talk to her again. So that was much, much more than a glimmer! But there were definitely glimmers around it too: the staff at Broadcast House were really excellent and created an accessible space beside the area behind barriers, which a few others later joined; I got to spend several hours hanging out with a few other Erin fans who were absolutely lovely; and Daisy did really well in a very new, very busy, distracting space and only lost focus once, when she spotted a huge statue towering over us (I jumped too so I don’t blame her and she settled again quickly). And even though, I had brought Daisy over to her, Erin still asked whether it was okay for her to stroke Daisy and I was really touched by that because so many people make assumptions. But access is something that Erin has always spoken out about and this is another example of her practising what she preaches and that was very moving to see firsthand. I also had my wheelchair with me, which I’ve never used with Daisy so, after Erin left and I’d said goodbye to everybody, we zoomed up and down the street together, which was so fun and Daisy did so well with it. I have no doubt that she’ll manage with no problem whenever we next all venture out together.
(LEFT: Erin and Daisy’s first meeting. // RIGHT: Me and Erin.)
Tuesday 30th June – I had a very stressful travel day, which did overwhelm the day a bit but there were still a handful of glimmers that brought me a lot of joy. I had a really good discussion with a new tattoo artist and I’m really excited about all of the threads we pulled on and what the design is going to look like. She also had a really sweet dog who really liked me, which was so lovely. Once I was back home and settled for the evening, I was seeing glimmers everywhere: my beloved poetry group, Poetry Orchard, had announced more workshops, which I immediately signed up for; I saw an Instagram post that I instantly knew my friend would love and sent it to them (they did love it); and I had a very lovely conversation with a group of friends on Discord. And I was able to cross off the final goal on my June bingo board in my planner, which was super satisfying; I’ve only managed to do that once since I implemented the practice at the beginning of the year and while I usually manage to achieve most of them, it’s still unusual – and thus very satisfying – to achieve them all.
So I have spent the last month looking for at least one glimmer every day. It hasn’t always been easy, even with my previous experience. But actively engaging with the practice again has reminded me how many there are when you train your brain to notice them and I can see the positive impact that it has had on my mental state over the last thirty days. And that is pretty huge for me, considering everything I’ve been dealing with over the last few years.
And now… I’m challenging you to try it! Glimmers don’t have to be big or momentous; as you’ve likely seen from this post, they’re often moments that could so easily be overlooked. See if you can find one today, or tomorrow if you’re reading this late at night. Just one. Sit with it and try to feel whatever it makes you feel, whether that’s relaxation, calm, joy, feeling present in the moment… And if it doesn’t feel like anything, that’s fine too. Try again tomorrow. Just keep an eye out. And if it helps to note it down or take a picture so that you can revisit it, go right ahead – make a scrapbook if you want! But it’s also completely okay to notice them, acknowledge them, and then move on with your day. Rewiring your brain is no easy task but as long as you keep looking for them, keep making a conscious effort to notice them, your brain is learning: you’re teaching it a new way of processing the world around you. It’s a pretty fucked up world right now and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and out of control so what if you could allow your brain to rest, even for just a moment each day? Imagine what you could do if you didn’t have to expend so much energy on the things you can’t change and could focus on the things you can? All of that can start with looking for glimmers.
Finding Hope 