Finding HopeNovember 2023 in Photos
Posted on November 30, 2023
I really enjoyed doing the photo challenge in September so I couldn’t resist doing another one. It’s been a weird month though; I don’t know if I would’ve committed to it had I known what the month would hold, how exhausted and burned out I’d feel, but once I’d decided to do it, I had to follow through. Between how tired and how focussed on my current writing I’ve been, there haven’t been many opportunities to take unique or exciting photos but I’ve done my best. So here is my November 2023 in photos, as prompted by the Planner & Paper photo challenge on Instagram, Life in Pockets…
1. Thankful for…
How could I not be thankful for this gorgeous little bean? She’s soft and warm and snuggly and she adores me as much as I adore her.
2. Home Decor
My favourite room in my house is the living room and that is largely due to the fairy lights that we hung around the room a few years ago. They give the room a soft, warm glow and it always feel inviting and safe. Sometimes I put them on during the day, regardless of the light level, because it just gives me a little boost to look at them.
3. Selfie
I rarely take selfies anymore, especially alone. I just really don’t like looking at myself if I’m completely honest. But I have taken a few while holding Izzy, if she’s doing something particularly cute, like she did in this moment: falling asleep on my chest and tucking her face into my neck. It was too adorable not to take a photo of.
6. Home Project
I don’t have a home project exactly but my current self-care-craft-project-sort-of-thing is making bracelets, inspired by The Eras Tour. There’s just something really soothing about the repetitive motion, about making something – even something this simple – with my hands.
8. While I’m At Work
If I flip down the lid of my laptop where it sits on my little sofa table, this is my view: Izzy curled up on or against me, a cat or two on various soft surfaces, and sometimes my Mum working similarly. It’s a very companionable, pleasant way to work.
9. Something Not So Fun
After several days of feeling pretty unwell, I took a COVID test. I’d thought it was just exhaustion and over-exertion after a very intense week with a lot of travel and late nights but then I developed a sore throat so I took a test straight away. I don’t love the sensations involved with taking a test – I’m pretty used to them at this point – but then the first test came back void and I had to do it all again; I was not impressed by that and neither were my sore throat and sinuses. It was, of course, worth it: I was negative and while I still had to be careful – I was still sick after all – I was relieved that it wasn’t anything as serious as COVID.
10. Out The Window
Okay, I’m cheating a bit because I didn’t take this photo on the tenth but it is honestly the greatest thing I’ve ever seen outside of my house. How could I not share it?! Not only is the name hilarious for a waste clearance company, but the tag followed by the phone numbers is so fucking funny. Apparently The Lord of the Rings franchise have sent them cease and desist letters and they’re now in litigation: they have to change the colour if they want to keep everything else. That seems ridiculously petty – and pretty pathetic, lacking all sense of humour – for such a wealthy franchise. I’m glad they’re getting to keep everything but the colour because it genuinely made my day.
12. Your Choice!
We had our first evening at puppy school! We met some gorgeous puppies (I’m pretty sure Izzy is still the smallest though) and learned some basic skills, including settling on a blanket, recall training, and the beginnings of walking on a lead. Izzy was picking it up very quickly but she was definitely ready to go home at the end: concentrating for that long was understandably hard for a young puppy and she was quite clearly getting overwhelmed by all of the other dogs. She’s really good at meeting new people but meeting dogs makes her anxious, which doesn’t really surprise me since almost all of them are bigger than her. Anyway, she did well and we have some exercises to practice before next week’s class.
15. A Hug
That day I was working at home, alone, all day so there was no one to hug. Well, no people. Izzy was very snuggly and, as afternoon turned into evening, she climbed on top of me – while I was sitting at my laptop – and curled up on my shoulder. I ended up sliding down to accommodate her and she fell asleep like that. It was so cute that I couldn’t help myself: I stopped working and just stroked her, almost drifting off myself.
17. Your Choice!
I had a session with Richard – Richard Marc, one of my best friends and favourite cowriters, as well as my producer – and we worked on some of the songs for my next project. I’m so excited about it and so keen to get it out in the world; I’m trying my hardest not to let my passion for it burn me out before that point BUT I’M JUST SO EXCITED.
18. Comfy
I feel so lucky that Izzy and I have such a strong, close bond and that she wants to spend so much time as close to me as possible. It’s so cute and I always feel better for it. An extra joy of it is that I catch every adorable or ridiculous position that she adopts, like this snuggle with her toy elephant, Nellie.
21. Preparation
While I love the flexibility of my bullet journal – how I can customise it to exactly what I want or need – drawing it out every month can get a bit tedious. And it doesn’t help that Izzy keeps stealing my pens and then chewing them to death. But it can be quite meditative, if I haven’t left it to the absolute last minute that is.
23. Thankful
The night before, I played a set at a local gig and I had such a good time. As anxious as I can get beforehand and despite how much pain I tend to find myself in afterwards, I love performing so much. I love playing the songs I’ve written – songs that I love so deeply – and sharing them with new people. And it’s so special when people reach out to tell me why they connect to them. Even though I often struggle with not being further along the path than I am, I’m so thankful that I get to do this at all. There’s nothing I love more.
24. Family
Given that my actual family is somewhat scattered at the moment, I thought I’d post about my cats, my gorgeous family of cats. I haven’t seen as much of them as usual because all but Lucy are keeping their distance, still wary of Izzy; Lucy isn’t phased but then she has already bent Izzy to her will. The others are getting bolder but it’s a slow process. At this time of year, they’d usually be draped around the living room so I am really missing them, just having them around. So this little moment with all of them was very nice.
25. Sleep
God, I’ve been so tired this month. I’ve been falling asleep constantly, regardless of where I’m sitting or what I’m doing (now if only I could sleep properly at night). And Izzy, the little sweetheart that she is, is always desperate to snuggle up, to get as close as possible. Hence these pictures. And while they’re very cute, she does actually help me sleep; soft and warm and breathing steadily, she’s better than any weighted blanket.
26. Self Care
While going to the pool for a swim and my hydrotherapy exercises is good for my body, it’s also really good for my mental state. I know that a big part of that will be due to the endorphins from the exercise but I do think that there’s more to it: I’ve always loved the feeling of being in the water but it’s also such a relief to be able to move around without pain, something that just feels so glorious and freeing. I think there’s also some self esteem stuff going on, being able to exercise and get stronger after feeling so physically incapable and broken. But now I’m actually getting fitter and stronger, which I feared I would never be able to do without serious discomfort, pain, and distress. So the pool represents a lot of things to me and swimming really lifts my mood.
27. Weather
We’ve had some amazing weather recently, from glorious sunshine to torrential rain. I’ve seen multiple rainbows and several beautiful sunsets. It’s been a stunning November. This was my second favourite sunset, recently at least.
30. Self Care
While spending time with my cats is always good for my soul, it’s particularly special right now: the cats have – unsurprisingly – been avoiding the whirlwind that is Izzy and, since she’s usually with me, I haven’t been seeing them much. Not to snuggle with, at least. But they are getting braver and although Lucy doesn’t take any shit from her, she’s reluctant to get close enough to me to cuddle if Izzy’s around. But there have been a couple of occasions recently – when Izzy has been hanging out with Mum – where Lucy has taken advantage of the moment and curled up with me, which have just been gorgeous. Running my hands through her fur and listening to her purring, I can feel an internal meter filling up.
* Bonus: In The Distance
Up in London, I was walking back along the Southbank and everything was lit up and beautiful. The London Eye usually is, as far as I know but the lights in the trees and between buildings were stunning and there’s different pieces of art and installations everywhere. I love it.
As well as the lights in these pictures, there was a strip of rainbow neon along the bridge and there were lights spelling out ‘PROUD’ underneath, visible to boats and people walking by. I tried to get a picture but I couldn’t get anything unobstructed by various parts of the bridge.
Unsurprisingly, this month’s photos feature Izzy heavily: between all of the time I’ve spent writing, sitting at my laptop with Izzy curled up against me, and the fact that she’s still very young and thus needs a lot of supervision, she’s been a very obvious subject for my photos. I also haven’t done much outside my normal routine this month – having had so much work to do and having felt so tired and burned out – so there haven’t been many exciting opportunities for new and interesting pictures. But, as I said, I tried my best and hopefully the adorable puppy pictures make up for the lack of variation…
ME/CFS Research: Photo Diary (Pre Lockdown and During Lockdown)
Posted on September 26, 2020
Not long ago, I volunteered for a research study into ME/CFS (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and part of it involved keeping a photo diary as a visual representation for how my life is affected by my CFS. Obviously my life before the pandemic and my life now are quite different and so the researcher asked me to include pre-pandemic photos as well, to ensure that both experiences were recorded for the study. The collection of photos (and descriptions) I sent her was very long but I thought I’d do an abridged version to post here because it was a really interesting exercise.
(It’s worth noting that this was put together before I started back at university, hence why there aren’t any current references to classes or assignments.)
PRE-LOCKDOWN
1. During my BA, I frequently took naps in quiet corners of my university between classes and then at my best friend’s flat when he moved onto the same street as the university. I found the commuting exhausting and the classes were long (some of them three hours) and took a lot of concentration. By the end of the semester, I was often really struggling to wake up to go back for the next class. A few times, I slept straight through both my alarm and my class. Fortunately that only happened a couple of times!
2. I’m currently doing a Masters Degree in songwriting part time and pre-lockdown, I’d go up to London usually once or twice a week for lectures, workshops, and cowriting sessions. This is an example of one of the assignments we had during the first module, which was called Creative Process.
3. Because living alone would be too much for me – I wouldn’t have the energy to look after myself, let alone do anything more – I commute to university (pre-pandemic anyway), involving lots of underground travel and multiple train journeys a week, something that I find exhausting. This is one of the reasons I chose to do my Masters part time because it reduced the amount of travelling and therefore allowed me to spend more energy on the course/work rather than on travelling.
4. At the end of any day that involves hard work or anxiety, I’m utterly exhausted and usually end up horizontal on the sofa or going to bed as soon as I get home from wherever I am. In this instance, I’d just done the assessment presentation for the first module of my Masters – which I’d been incredibly anxious about – and was completely exhausted. Plus the day had involved practicing it in the morning as well as travelling to London and back. I was so tired that I could barely stay awake long enough to eat dinner before going to bed.
5. I spent most of my days out of uni on the sofa, working on music, my mental health blog, or catching up with my diary, a favourite movie or TV show on in the background because I work better with background noise. I’m usually joined by a cat or two.
6. As a singersongwriter, I try to perform as often as I can, both in terms of opportunity and having the energy (I once played three gigs in three days after which I could barely function for over a week because I’d just used up so much physical, mental, and emotional energy). That’s not a common problem – managing my energy around the amount of gigs – as there aren’t a huge number of opportunities with so many aspiring singers in the two cities I perform in, London and Brighton. I love performing. It’s the place I most feel myself, especially if I’m singing songs that I’ve written. I don’t feel any fatigue while I’m performing – I’m feeling so much joy that it’s like I’m flying – and I don’t feel any fatigue until the adrenaline wears off, anywhere between thirty minutes and several hours later.
7. Since getting an Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis, I’ve been able to get access to disabled seats at concerts, which does (in certain ways) improve my concert experience. It can be more stressful and it can make no difference at all but at the very least, it makes me feel better. I am in the disabled section and therefore no one can judge me or think that I don’t deserve to be at the show because I’m not dancing around, not ‘enjoying myself enough.’ That makes me feel more able to sit as I need to, which does make the concert experience easier on me and my body. Having said that, I’m not always so sensible out of sheer enthusiasm.
8. Before the pandemic, my best friend, Richard, and I had almost weekly writing and production sessions. My current EP was made almost entirely by the two of us in various rooms in the various places we’ve lived in over the last few years. These sessions are so fun and invigorating and even when it’s a struggle to find the right words or get the production to sound exactly how I want it to sound, it always feels right. I often feel very drained afterwards because it involves a lot of concentration and communication and we often work for four hours or more at a time. We have had sessions that last all day where I’m barely coherent by the end.
SINCE LOCKDOWN
1. We have five cats in the house and I’ve been spending a lot of time with them. They’ve always been really good for my anxiety – probably because they are so mindful and live so fully in the moment – but they’ve been an extra comfort during these stressful times. I always try to get a good cuddle in the evenings since I get particularly anxious before bed because I’ve been sleeping so badly and having lots of nightmares during lockdown.
2. I generally drink at least two Red Bulls a day to keep myself awake and somewhat alert, although I don’t think they work as well as they used to. I’m sleepy all the time, but whether that’s from the CFS or the side effects of my anti-depressants or both, I don’t know. I hate feeling like I need to drink it and I worry about the effects on my health but it’s currently the only way I can stay awake for at least most of the day. My Mum and I are investigating other options, or we were until the pandemic brought everything to halt. We haven’t given up though.
3. This is my usual day-to-day view at the moment. I have a desk designed for bed or sofa use so that I can work from the sofa, which is more comfortable for me than working at my desk since I’ve been have problems with pain during lockdown (I’ve been referred to various hospital departments but I’m still waiting for the appointments). I’m usually working on my laptop – on my mental health blog, on my diary, on music stuff, etc – and there’s usually a cat draped over me.
4. I usually have the TV on in the background because I seem to be more productive with familiar background noise, like a familiar TV show or movie. But I’ve also been watching new things during lockdown, both to escape from all of the stress around the pandemic but also as inspiration for my music as not much is happening in my personal life to draw from for songs. This is the very last episode of Agents of Shield, my favourite TV show and I was hugely sad to see it end although the ending was as perfect as the end of something you love can be.
5. Since face-to-face writing sessions aren’t safe at this current time, I’ve been doing all of my writing sessions via Zoom. I’m currently doing about two a week, mostly with my writing partner, Richard. We alternate sessions: one on my songs and then one on his songs and so on. It’s harder work and not quite as fun or productive as a normal pre-pandemic session (who would’ve thought that not being able to point at something would trip up the creative process?) but it allows us to keep creating, which I’m grateful for. I’m always careful not to plan anything too difficult afterwards because these sessions are really draining and after about four hours, my ability to concentrate starts to fade.
6. I’ve been playing a lot of piano during lockdown. It distracts me from all that’s going on, I want to improve my skills, and I just genuinely love playing, especially in the lower octaves. I find them very soothing. I can play for hours without noticing the passing time; it’s lovely. Playing and singing for hours is, of course, tiring but it’s worth it because I get so much enjoyment out of it.
7. Because of my fatigue, I spend a lot of time on the sofa, which can get boring and frustrating, but it’s not so bad when I have my Mum (she’s self-employed, primarily working from home – especially now) and the cats around.
8. Most days consist of sitting on the sofa, working on my laptop. I’m writing a lot of posts for my mental health blog at the moment, preparing for when university starts again and I have less time to write. My Mum often does emails similarly, keeping me company even if we aren’t actively engaging with each other.
So that’s my condensed photo diary for the study. There are, of course, other areas of my life and other areas of my life that my CFS affects, like food and exercise but I don’t have any photos relating to those. For example, swimming is my main form of exercise but pre-pandemic I wouldn’t take my phone further than the locker room and since lockdown began, I’ve been struggling to find a way to swim that feels safe. I may have found one but I’m trying not to get too excited: I’ve missed it so much and I’m so desperate to get back to it, for my physical health, my mental health, and my relationship with my body. I was also reluctant to include other people; my exception was Richard because our work and social media presence are so intertwined. So there are obviously gaps but I tried my best to give an overview. Hopefully it will be a useful contribution to the research.
Finding Hope 