TW: pet loss, pet death, depression.

I had hoped to get this up on Christmas Eve – like I used to – but given everything that’s been going on with my mental and physical health and the resulting fatigue, I’m not writing as quickly or as effortlessly as I have done in the past. But fast or slow, writing down my thoughts helps me to reflect and, considering how extreme the highs and lows of this year have been, some reflection – especially on the good things in my life – has helped me to feel more grounded as the year ends.

MY MUM – I’m always grateful for my Mum but I couldn’t have imagined the ups and downs of this year if I’d tried and I absolutely couldn’t have gotten through them without her. Between Daisy (my Autism Assistance Dog) moving in and getting settled, the difficulties and stress surrounding releasing new music, music and conference commitments, chronic pain and illness flare ups, a pinched nerve, a hospital visit, and a debilitating mystery illness (which, thankfully, has now been demystified and I’m starting to recover from), she has been an anchor, a touchstone, and a source of endless support. And considering the busy year she’s had, I’m so beyond grateful that I don’t know how to fully express it. I just know that there’s no way I could’ve survived this year without her. 

MY PARENTS – With everything going on this year, I’m so grateful to have had the support and encouragement of my parents. Everyone’s had a lot to deal with – it’s certainly not been the easiest twelve months – but they’ve still been there for celebration and every challenge that this year has brought. They’ve been so supportive of everything I’ve taken on this year – and not just mine: they’ve been champions of my friends and their projects too, which I couldn’t love them more for. 

THE TIME I HAD WITH LUCY – I still feel so deeply sad and the house feels so lonely without Lucy but I would never give up the time I had with Lucy; I will always be grateful for every moment I had with her, even at the end when it was so distressing – for all of us. She was with me through so much hard stuff, through so much growing up, and coming home to her was always so comforting. She was so special – so sweet and affectionate and sensitive – and she’ll always have a special place in my heart; I’ll always love her more than I can properly explain. Nothing I say feels like it’s enough. I miss her more than I know what to do with and I still feel more than a bit lost and untethered without her at the centre of the house. 

THE FAMILY OF CATS – Between the arrival of Daisy early in the year, the loss of Lucy, my health issues, and the summer months when they’re almost entirely in the garden, home has felt very much in flux and I haven’t seen as much of my little family of cats as I would’ve liked and that’s been really hard. It was also incredibly scary to find out that Sweep, one of the youngest generation, suddenly needed a really big surgery, especially so soon after Lucy had had to be put to sleep. But fortunately, it went really well and she recovered beautifully, if impatiently. Things are getting better: they’ve migrated back inside with the colder weather and they’re slowly becoming braver – or at least less likely to run – around Daisy. It’s not that she’s a danger to them in any way, she’s just deeply enthusiastic and bouncy, the unpredictability of which they are not fans of (plus she must seem huge to them, while Izzy has always been even smaller than they are). They’re getting used to her and she’s getting better about not bounding up to them every time she sees them. It’s been a big change for everyone and I’m honestly just so grateful that, even with Daisy’s arrival, they’ve never doubted where their home is. I’m so, so grateful for the time I have had with each of them this year – I don’t take a second of it for granted – and I’m hopeful that things will only improve and become more stable going forward.

IZZY – I’m so grateful to have this fluffy, little sock thief in my life. She’s a constant source of love and joy and hilarity. If she could, she’d spend every hour of the day in my lap and I can’t say I’d complain; she spends almost all day curled up against me on the sofa and then all night curled up against me on my bed. She’s so adorable, so sensitive and snuggly, and she’s so funny and playful. She has struggled a bit since Daisy moved in: she doesn’t like having to share me. She gets jealous of how Daisy supports me and tries to take over, tries to prove that she can do it just as well as Daisy can and, to her, Daisy is big and enthusiastic and unpredictable (and Izzy’s face is right at the height of Daisy’s furiously wagging tail, which has caused more than a few incidents between them). They’re getting there and, thankfully, Daisy is very patient with her; I couldn’t bear it if they were just fundamentally incompatible. My relationship with Izzy is so deeply special, both because of how it began and what it’s grown into, and she’s a constant comforting presence that I’m beyond grateful for.

DAISY, MY AUTISM ASSISTANCE DOG – At the beginning of the year, Daisy officially moved in and, a few months later, she was fully qualified as my Autism Assistance Dog. I’ve posted about almost all of the training process but I really need to write something about what it’s been like since she was qualified; I don’t think this post is the place to reflect on all of that because I have so many thoughts on it but this post would’ve been incomplete without her. It’s safe to say that it’s been a massive change and, as someone who’s not very good at change, it has been a hard year with a lot of anxiety. It takes time, after all, for any dog to settle into a new home, as does getting an Assistance Dog used to more and more situations and environments. She’s been doing so well and I don’t think I’ve been doing too badly either but it’s been slow going, especially as it’s been complicated by a chronic pain flare up, a pinched nerve, and months of stomach issues. So we haven’t done as much as I would’ve liked but I’m really proud of everything we’ve managed so far. Her relationships with Izzy and with the cats are still developing and their interactions don’t always go smoothly but they have and are making progress. It’s easy to spiral about them never truly getting on but I have to trust the progress they’ve made so far and that they can make more. She’s an amazing dog: sweet, smart, eager to please, always up to play or snuggle… She has such a gorgeous face and she gets so excited whenever I pick up her jacket: she’s so excited to do her job, which is just adorable and always makes me feel calmer about going out with her. It’s a long process, getting confident working as a team, but every step has been in the right direction and I’m really grateful for that. I’m also really grateful for the ongoing support from Autism Dogs. I wouldn’t have Daisy at all without them, of course, but their support this year – from accommodating me during the the final stages of Daisy’s training to the regular check ins – has been amazing and so appreciated. It’s been a huge undertaking, especially as a chronically ill and disabled person, but they’ve been so helpful and so encouraging. I’m not sure we could’ve done this without their consistent support.

(Left: Izzy // Right: Daisy, my Autism Assistance Dog)

MY THERAPIST – Having abandoned talk therapy and started somatic therapy for trauma release in 2024, this was the year that I really committed everything to it and although I’m not sure I can fully explain it, I can say that it has had a huge impact on my life. Without a doubt. I learned a lot in talk therapy but I think it can only do so much when it comes to neurodivergence and trauma (although that’s just my opinion based on my experience) and somatic therapy takes a very different approach. I’ve been working with my therapist on learning to regulate my nervous system and helping my brain and body to reconnect so that my brain is able to recognise the trauma that my body is holding onto and then strengthening it so that I can go on to process that trauma as my brain and body feel able to. For a long time, I’ve struggled to fully feel my feelings, like I can only feel so much before they get shut down and, over the last six months, that’s started to change, which is both amazing and kind of terrifying. There is a reason we shut down these feelings after all. But my therapist is brilliant. Right from the beginning, we’ve gotten along really well and I so appreciate how she’s adopted my special interests to help me make sense of aspects of somatic therapy and how to get the most out of it; she always meets me where I am and I’ve never felt alone in the process. Because somatic therapy focusses much more heavily on feeling (while talk therapy – in my experience, at least – focusses much more on thinking and reasoning), I feel like I often go into it very much on trust: I might not fully understand or feel whatever it is we’re working on in that moment or in that session but I trust my therapist and I trust her confidence in the process. It’s hard to define the progress I’ve made – trauma and safety and emotions aren’t easily measurable – but I know it’s there. I’m learning a lot and my body’s learning a lot and I know that, in time, I’ll see the proof of all of this learning.

MY FIRST HYDROTHERAPY POOL AND FINALLY GETTING BACK TO THE POOL – Early in the year, the gorgeous pool that I’ve been using to do my hydrotherapy since 2021 closed, much to my distress. Not only did it fit all of my needs and allow me to do my exercises without an audience, it was an important fixture when my mental health was particularly bad (from late 2021 to late 2022). I was very attached. I’m so grateful for the time I had there: I needed a safe space, physically and emotionally, to start building my strength back up and I couldn’t have asked for anywhere better. Finding a new pool has been really difficult but I have recently started going to a new one; it’s not the same but it has different advantages and it does allow me to get back to working in the pool, which I am very grateful for. The transition is hard but I’ve never been particularly good at change. It will just take time; it always does. 

THE TATTOOS I GOT THIS YEAR – Spending less time in the pool meant that getting more tattoos wasn’t as logistically complicated as it had been previously and over the last twelve months, I’ve managed to get several new ones, including my tangle for the ten year anniversary of my Autism diagnosis and a tribute to my beloved Lucy. I had hoped to get more but with four months of the year getting swallowed up by a pinched nerve and a mystery illness, just getting out of the house has been a challenge, let alone going to a tattoo studio and sitting through a session (having said that, I do actually find being tattooed more relaxing than painful – so far at least). I’m pretty sure they weren’t necessarily the ones I thought I’d be getting when I imagined this year but I’m certainly not complaining! I love them all and I’m looking forward to getting more whenever the opportunity presents itself.

(Left: Two dragons by @valeries.tattoo // Right: Tangle by @gaiahart)

POETRY ORCHARD – I touched on this in last year’s Grateful post but, at the beginning of 2024, I joined an online poetry community called Poetry Orchard and it was, without doubt, one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’ve written so much poetry that I’m so proud of since I started going to their workshops, which are always fun and cathartic and inspiring; they’re always a highlight in my week. And I’ve met so many amazing people in this community: they’re all so lovely and thoughtful and such brilliant writers. There’s not one among them that shouldn’t be a published poet. We have the most interesting, moving discussions and I feel so seen and so understood (there’s a lot of overlapping experiences with mental health, neurodivergence, disability, chronic illness, and so on). I feel so lucky to have found this space and the friendships that have grown from it are so special to me.

MY FRIENDS – I’m so, so grateful for my friends, from the steadiness of my oldest friendships to the blossoming of the newer ones. Between working with Daisy and releasing new music in the first half of the year and my chronic pain and illness during the second half, I haven’t seen nearly enough of them but they’ve still been so supportive of me, of my music, as I’ve struggled with my health stuff… I feel so lucky to have such wonderful, kind, creative, and passionate people in my life; I’m inspired by them everyday and it’s an honour to play even the tiniest role in the incredible work they’re doing and putting out into the world, even if all I am is a witness and cheerleader. I see them changing the world, person by person, and I can’t be anything but thankful for the path that led me to each and every one of them.

RELEASING MUSIC AGAIN – This year, I finally, FINALLY, released new music and, not only that, but I released my beloved Autism centric project, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1. I started working on this in 2021 but I’ve been thinking about it for even longer and now it’s finally out in the world and people are actually listening to it! I’ve had some amazing feedback on it and some of the stories people have shared with me upon hearing it have been so incredibly touching. I’m so grateful to everyone who has listened to it so far and I am so beyond grateful to everyone who helped me to make it what it is and then get it out in the world. Working with you all was an absolute joy and I could not have done this without you. It may have been the most stressful experience of my life but I have never been so proud of anything and I can’t wait to share what I have planned for 2026.

(Write This Out – Single, In The Mourning – Single, The Loneliest Whale – Single, Too Close And Not Enough, Vol. 1 – EP (top to bottom, left to right))

SO MANY GREAT SHOWS – Concert wise, I thought last year was probably unbeatable with so many incredible concerts – from the super special album release shows of my friends to the almost-four-hour-long epic that was Taylor Swift’s The Eras Tour – but this year was also deeply special in its own way. Several of my friends released new music and I got to see them perform those songs live at the launch parties. Cora Rebel released her second EP, Small Town Murder, which I love even more than her first EP, Room For Wonder. I’m not kidding: I’m still obsessed with every single song. Similarly, I’ve been a fan of Jaz Beeson’s music since we met at university and the EP she released this year, Aren’t You Cool, is so good and her live performance has only gotten better since I last saw her and her band perform. I also made friends with the wonderful Tygermylk this year and when they released their debut album, Local Girl, Always Tired, I got to see them play the whole album live in a beautiful church in London; it was such a special event. I feel so lucky to have so many creative friends putting such awesome work out in the world and I’m so excited for what I know is coming in the new year. I also got to see Maisie Peters at one of her two Before The Bloom shows, where she gave us a sneak peak at her new album while revisiting past songs that she felt reflected the same energy as the new music, which I thought was a really cool way of structuring a gig; I got to see Maren Morris blow the roof off The Roundhouse with one of my greatest friends (we’ve been going to her shows together since The Hero Tour in 2017); and Gracie Abrams just blew me away on The Secret of Us Tour to the degree that I bought a ticket to a second show because she was so good. And I can’t talk about amazing gigs without talking about Erin LeCount (although I want to talk about her more in a minute). I saw her first in May where she headlined Bush Hall in London and she was amazing. I wasn’t able to see her the next time she was in London (because the accessibility team at the venue were actually the worst I’ve ever encountered) but when I saw her in December when she sold out KOKO in London, she was absolutely incredible: she only released her second EP in April and she’s already such a compelling performer. That second show was one of the best I’ve ever been to and I was so moved when she played my favourite songs that I cried (something I’m rarely able to do in public after years of masking). It was a deeply special year of concerts, just like 2024 but in a very different way. I’m grateful for every single one.

(Left: Sarah Close, Cora Rebel, Gracie Abrams, Erin LeCount (clockwise) // Middle: Gracie Abrams, crybby, Maisie Peters, Jaz Beeson (clockwise) // Right: Maren Morris, Tygermylk, Erin LeCount, Erin LeCount (clockwise))

And while it wasn’t a show, I did get to go and fangirl my little heart out at Ascension, a new Stargate convention. I got to see so many of my friends from The Companion, which was so much fun and although Amanda Tapping, one of my biggest heroes, had to pull out of the event, I got to meet Richard Dean Anderson who is the most wonderful human being and it was such a special experience. And he’s such a dog person so he and Daisy had some absolutely gorgeous moments together. It was Daisy’s biggest outing so far but she did brilliantly and was absolutely adored by everyone from the moment I took her jacket off to the moment I put it back on again – everyone was so respectful when she was working, which made the experience so much easier for the both of us, and it was so lovely to see how happy she made all of the guests and attendees, especially when she was off duty and was allowed to interact with everyone. Richard Dean Anderson called her his favourite convention attendee, which still makes me smile so much. I can’t wait for Ascension 2 in 2026!

ERIN LECOUNT’S MUSIC – I found Erin LeCount in late 2024 and her music completely dominated my listening time over the last year. She put out her second EP, I Am Digital, I Am Divine, in April, which is a stunning, beautifully cohesive project: the concept, the themes, the lyrics, the vocals, the melodies, the production… they’re all incredible. When she released the EP, she described it as being “about feeling dysfunctional and like there is something inherently wrong with you, the ‘digital’ being this neurotic, obsessive, ‘cold’ and very analytical part of me that felt like a battling a part of me that’s very sensitive, the ‘divine’ and the big overwhelming feelings. They’re two sides of the same coin that I’m always finding how to balance, and these songs are all those many imbalances and highs and lows.” I relate to that statement so much and I relate to every song, although my favourites are ‘Marble Arch,’ ‘Sweet Fruit,’ and ‘Silver Spoon’ (I’ve written more about the individual songs in my upcoming Songs of 2025 post so I won’t double up by deep diving into them here), with lyrics like “I am hard to love / Not what you thought / Am I? Am I? Am I? / Is there a fault in my core? / Did I do something wrong? / Did I? Did I? Did I?” and “I need someone / To look through and see me, to rip out the weeds / Growing where my heart was” and “I split the good wine, I panicked / A disaster, a knee-jerk reaction / Then everyone around us starts laughing / Is that how it’s meant to happen?” and “You were sweet, I got mean / And when we fight, I refuse to eat.” She’s since released two more songs, ‘808 HYMN‘ and ‘MACHINE GHOST,’ both of which I love but ‘MACHINE GHOST’ instantly became my favourite song of this year and probably for a long time to come; I feel the theme of dissociation so deeply (especially as I do more and more somatic work and the connection between my brain and body gets stronger – I actually listen to this song during therapy because my therapist says my body is more receptive to releasing trauma compared to when I’m not listening to it) and the lyrics, like “It hurts to stand, it hurts to stand / It hurts to stand, it hurts to stand,” and “Lights come on and there’s nobody home / And all my love pushed my back against the wall / Can someone tell god I should be feeling this more? / I can’t love you like I am supposed to / Baby, you’re the machine and I’m the ghost,” and “‘Cause everything starts hurting when I see the world in colour / And I wanna turn it off,” and “I’m not at the party and I’m not in my body,” feel like they could’ve been written for me. I feel so seen and so validated by her music and watching her produce all of her music and then recreate some of these tracks live on stage is so inspiring to me, so much so that I’ve started learning more about production for my own creative process when making music. I’ve already talked about seeing her live and how special that has been, her recent show at KOKO being one of the best shows I’ve ever been to. I wish I’d found her sooner but I’m so grateful that I found her when I did because her music means so much to me and watching her creative process and live performance develop in real time is so, so beautiful.

There has been so much to be thankful for, despite how difficult this year has been. In my experience, the relationship between gratitude and depression can be a complicated one, given how depression distorts reality and dampens emotions, and it’s something I’ve been struggling with for several years now. Sometimes engaging with that tug of war is just too hard, especially when I’m already working so hard in therapy, so the only thing I can do is acknowledge that it’s there – that it is complicated – while honouring the things in my life that are objectively positive, the things that make my life better. Sometimes that’s all you can do and that’s got to be enough.