Finding Hope#ToHelpMyAnxiety
Posted on June 3, 2023
TW: Mentions of self harm and Trichotillomania.
So the theme set by the Mental Health Foundation for Mental Health Awareness Week this year was anxiety. They pushed the hashtag #ToHelpMyAnxiety to raise awareness but I didn’t see it once on social media so I decided to write a whole blog post on the topic, on what helps my anxiety as well as what I’ve heard from others about what helps them. I ranted recently about how people engage with Mental Health Awareness Week, and awareness days in general, but I do think that sharing coping mechanisms for anxiety is a useful thing to do and a good use of those days.
I live with very severe anxiety, so bad that nothing I do actually banishes it, but I have found certain things that help to manage or reduce it. And I’ve spent a lot of time talking with friends and acquaintances about anxiety, discussing how we all try to cope with it. So I have a lot of tried and tested methods that have all worked for at least one person and therefore will hopefully be useful to at least one of you. If any of these ideas help just one person, then it’s worth the work to compile them. (Some of these have been pulled from my experience as an autistic person but many of them are useful for anxiety so I figured it was worth including them.)
I do think it’s worth mentioning that not all of my coping mechanisms are good, healthy ones. I’m focussing on the healthy ones because those are the ones we should all be aspiring to practice but I felt it would be remiss to not even mention them.
General Tips:
- Maintaining a healthy lifestyle – Getting enough sleep, eating healthily, moving your body, and, in some cases, taking additional supplements (I am not knowledgeable about this, nor qualified, to give advice but I do personally take supplements on the advice of a nutritionist, one who has experience with my health problems) are all important in managing anxiety. Not getting enough sleep or not eating enough can drastically increase anxiety, as you’ll know if you’ve struggled with anxiety in the past (and present).
- Make sure I’m breathing properly – I know people who swear by deep breathing exercises but I don’t usually need to go that far; I often find myself breathing very shallowly and need to reset, take a deep breath and remind myself what normal breathing is. At home, singing is really useful for this, I think because it forces me to control my breathing, plus it’s something I love to do.
- Consciously relax my body – When I’m really anxious, I’ll suddenly find my body so tense that I’m like a coiled spring. I have to focus and physically relax my muscles – drop my shoulders, unclench my fists, uncurl my toes, etc – sometimes multiple times a day. I usually find the tension creeping in again but making the effort to relax over and over does seem to help.
- Avoid loud noises – Loud noises are a serious trigger for my anxiety so I try to avoid them as much as possible, although some environments seem to be exceptions, like concerts for example. Most of the time noise cancelling headphones do the trick so I’m very grateful to have such a great pair.
- Avoid certain fabrics – This is probably more Autism anxiety than general anxiety but I thought it might be useful to someone. The sensory irritation of some fabrics (I particularly struggle with acrylic and polyester) slowly overload my brain until my anxiety makes it impossible to concentrate. So sticking to safe textures, like cotton, is a good strategy, even if it does mean I miss out on cool clothes occasionally.
- Fidget toys or fidget jewellery – We all stim (shortened from self-stimulatory behaviour) to some degree, both neurodivergent and neurotypical people, and one of the most common reasons for stimming is anxiety. Many stimming behaviours aren’t harmful (and many autistic individuals enjoy their stims) but sometimes they are and sometimes they can draw unwanted attention. This is where fidget toys and fidget jewellery can be really helpful because it fulfils the same need as stimming but allows that behaviour to stay under the radar, if that’s what you want. I’m not ashamed of being autistic or of my stimming behaviours but some of them are harmful and need redirecting and some of them are such that I don’t always want them to be people’s first impression of me; I prefer to choose when I reveal that sort of information but still need to stim in the meantime.
- Creating something with your hands – I’m not very artistic, not in the making of physical art anyway, but I do find it soothing to make things with my hands, whether that’s doing origami or making friendship bracelets. This is apparently a very common thing, as it allows our brains to essentially switch off and take a break from the relentless noise pouring in.
- Bullet journalling – Organising and updating my bullet journal (or my version of it that’s accidentally evolved over the years) and to-do list help me to keep track of what’s happening so I don’t have to worry that I’m forgetting something.
- Learning a language – This is something I’ve learned over the last year. I started using Duolingo and found it to be a really good way to distract myself when I was anxious, plus I was learning something new at the same time. I would like to use the language and, in theory, I will but even if I don’t, I did manage to reduce my anxiety, learn a new language, and feel better about myself.
- Socialising (to the best of my ability) – Depending on what’s best for you, a certain level of socialising can be really good for managing anxiety (especially if you have someone to talk to who understands what you’re going through). It’s a bit of a balancing act because it can help up to a point and then become overwhelming, but if you can walk that line, you can find relief from anxiety in both socialising and alone time (as many of us know from experience, too much of either can just make the anxiety worse).
- Therapy – If your anxiety is ongoing or seriously impacting your life, therapy might be something to consider. I talk about my anxiety in therapy a lot: what I’m anxious about, what I can do to mitigate it, short term and long term strategies, what else it might be connected to. I’ve learned a lot about myself and my anxiety and although some anxieties are impossible to avoid, I have learned how to manage some of them.
At Home:
- Blanket – Unless it’s absolutely sweltering, I usually have a blanket draped over my legs and lap. It’s not a weighted blanket because those are just too much for me but a light blanket provides just enough weight to be calming, to be grounding.
- Controlling the temperature – I’m more able to handle my anxiety when I’m comfortable, regulating my temperature included. So that I don’t have to adjust the whole house, I have a little electric blanket that I can sit on if I’m cold (also great for my chronic pain) and an amazing fan (noiseless because the noisy ones can trigger my anxiety) and that way I can adjust the temperature really easily as I need to.
- Burning my favourite candle – When I’m feeling anxious, burning my favourite candle (my personal choice is the pink pepper grapefruit candle from The Candle Bar, but really any pink grapefruit candle will do) helps to relax me; I feel safer and calmer and like I can breathe more easily.
- Stroking my cats – It’s been scientifically proven that spending time with animals lowers our stress levels and I absolutely know it to be true from my personal experience. Being around my cats relaxes me and it’s only when I’m away from them – even for only a few days – that I realise just how much they reduce my anxiety. So being with animals, if possible, is definitely a good tactic and fortunately, these days, there are many ways to do that if it’s not possible to own a pet yourself.
- Favourite movies and TV shows – When I’m having a bad day, returning to my favourite movies and TV shows (even if I have to work on stuff while I watch them) is very calming. The familiarity and nostalgia of those stories and characters makes me feel safe, pushing the outside world and all its stresses away for a while. As psychologist Pamela Rutledge says, “It can become really therapeutic, especially if you are feeling anxious. Watching the same piece multiple times reaffirms that there’s order in the world and that it can create a sense of safety and comfort on a primal level.”
- Diary writing – I feel like, with every day that passes, I’m carrying around more and more memories and the longer I go without writing them down and putting them somewhere safe, the more anxious I get. This is where my OCD chimes in. Complying with that need to write everything down may feed my OCD but it also brings me huge relief, both in that it relieves the weight that I feel like I’m carrying – and the anxiety that I could forget those memories and that they’d therefore be lost forever – but also in that it helps me process what I’ve been going through; the act of writing out my thoughts and feelings helps me untangle and make sense of them. I couldn’t cope without it.
Out and About:
- Have a well packed bag – It often ends up being a little over excessive (and heavy) but by making sure I have everything I know I’ll need (or might need), I can avoid a lot of anxiety and uncertainty; it’s my safety net. The contents depend a little on where I’m going but I usually have my phone (and portable charger so that I’m always able to reach someone if I need to), my noise cancelling headphones, my ID, my wallet (and travelcard), my keys, my sunflower lanyard, a bottle of water, a face mask (and a spare), hand sanitiser, medication (for anxiety and pain), my bullet journal, a fidget toy, and something to distract myself with if necessary, like a book. I think that’s everything. But if I’m prepared for everything, I’m less likely to end up in a situation that triggers my anxiety because I already have a solution.
- Exercise – I think there’s a bit more nuance to this one than is often made clear. Because of my mobility and chronic pain problems, exercise is hard for me and swimming is the only thing I can reasonably do at this point, which isn’t something I can just get up and do. But I do love it and I do find that it makes me feel better. I do agree that moving your body is helpful but I think that you get more out of it when it’s a form of exercise you enjoy, rather than exercise for the sake of exercise. Some of my friends love running and find that really centering and yoga is often recommended as a good choice of exercises, particularly because of the relationship you develop with your breathing, another well known coping mechanism for anxiety.
Other People’s Tips:
- A change of scenery – Sometimes we can just get stuck in the spiral of anxious thoughts and one way to break that spiral is to literally move to a different place. Our brains are super sensitive to changes in our surroundings and new experiences are closely linked to reward and positive feelings.
- Gardening – While gardening is not something that helps me, it’s something that many people find really helpful, whether that’s tending a full garden or looking after plants and window boxes. My Mum loves to garden and when I asked her why she finds it relaxing, she said that part of it is that she’s outside and away from work, but also that it requires all of her attention and that there’s always progress to be made. I can definitely understand that even if plants specifically aren’t my thing.
- Reduce caffeine – I don’t understand the science, but it has been scientifically proven that reducing caffeine reduces stress. As far as I can tell, caffeine has no effect on me at all – energy-wise, at least – so I have no idea if it affects my stress levels. But if you’re ingesting a lot of caffeine, it might be worth cutting down your intake and seeing how you feel.
- Listening to music – Some people find listening to music deeply relaxing and it’s true that, as an activity, it lowers your heart rate and cortisol levels. Personally, it might physically relax me but since music is my job, it’s not very relaxing for my brain. I think they call it ‘a busman’s holiday.’
- Reading – Reading is also proven to lower your heart rate and ease tension in your muscles so it’s a technique worth trying but, of course, reading isn’t everybody’s cup of tea.
- Puzzles – My friend loves doing puzzles and, as it turns out, puzzles actually help release dopamine in your brain, which is why we feel good when we do puzzles. I prefer doing puzzles with people rather than doing them alone and I’m sure that that has its own benefits too.
- Self care – The idea of doing something that helps you feel good, mentally and physically, seems obvious but it’s so easy for all of us to get caught up in everything we need to do and everything we’re worried about, that we often forget. For some people, this is taking a long bath, for others it’s painting their nails, or catching up with a friend, sleeping in, or keeping a gratitude journal. The list of potential options is probably longer than The Lord of the Rings books so I’m sure there’s something useful there for all of us; it just might take a while to find the right thing.
- Meditation – I don’t know a whole lot about meditation (and all of the different types) but I know that some people swear by it. Not only does it reduce symptoms of anxiety, depression, and PTSD, it can also improve your sleep, blood pressure, and heart rate. Regular meditation can also physically change the structure of your brain, improving your senses, your concentration, and ability to process emotions. Knowing it can do all of that, it definitely seems worth researching.
- The 333 rule – I’ve seen many variations of this technique so you don’t have to stick to these rules, just the ones you set for yourself, the ones that work best for you. In this example, when you’re anxious, you try to redirect your focus to three things you can see, three things you can hear, and three things you can touch. I’ve heard some people say that this is too easy and doesn’t distract them enough, leading to all sorts of imaginative versions of this idea: my favourites, I think, are three things you can fit in your pocket, three things you can balance on top of each other, etc. Whatever works for you, if it works for you.
Other notes:
- I’ve been taking medication for my anxiety for a long time now, Diazepam as and when I need it (although it does have to be monitored, which it is). It has been incredibly helpful although I’m careful about never getting dependent. There are ebbs and flows in my anxiety where I take it more and I’ll take it if I know I’m about to do something stressful, like have a stressful meeting or take a flight, but it’s very much a balance of taking them and using other strategies like the ones I’ve listed.
- As I said, I do think it’s also worth noting that I have some harmful, self-destructive methods of coping with my anxiety. I’ve been self harming on and off since I was twelve because I just needed to give all of the intense feelings an escape route out of my body, like a pressure valve (it’s always been sporadic though – I’ve never been a really serious self-harmer, not in comparison to how much some people struggle with it). My hair pulling is worse though. I’m not sure if it’s Trichotillomania or if I’m stimming but either way, it’s not good: I’ve always been able to avoid it being visible but I have so many patches of hair at different lengths and my scalp gets so sore. I’ve also developed problems in my hand, wrist, elbow, and shoulder from the repetition of pulling. But it’s so hard to stop and trying to resist the urge to pull causes me incredible stress and anxiety so I just end up pulling to escape it. I’m talking about it in therapy though so maybe we’ll make some progress with that.
So I hope this has been helpful. Hopefully there are enough ideas here that there’s something for everyone, to try at least. If you’re reading this and struggle with anxiety, I feel for you and I’m in this with you and I hope that you find something to help you manage it. Severe anxiety is not something that we just have to accept, just have to live with. There are ways to make it easier – maybe there are even ways to shed it – and I hope you find them because you deserve to enjoy your life. You deserve to feel everything, not just anxiety.
Happy Birthday, Claire
Posted on April 10, 2022
TW: terminal illness and death.
Today is what would’ve been Claire Wineland’s twenty-fifth birthday and even though she died in 2018, I still think of her often. I wanted to do something for her birthday and since I hadn’t yet watched the documentary about her that was released after her death, I decided it was time to watch it, even if it would make me cry (not much of a spoiler: it did). She was an incredible person and it breaks my heart that she’s no longer here, that she didn’t get the chance to live a life she fought so hard for and saw so much potential in.
As I said, I wanted to honour her birthday so I sat down and watched the documentary; here are some of my thoughts…
It’s a beautifully made documentary and a beautiful tribute to Claire and the message that she dedicated her life to sharing with people. You get a real sense of her: she’s so articulate and eloquent but she doesn’t take herself too seriously (and ‘Little Claire,’ as she refers to herself, is so cute). So much of what she said was so poignant and moving and, as always, I felt deeply inspired by her words. It also gives you real insight into what living with Cystic Fibrosis is like, as much as you can as someone on the outside, and while her experiences are very specific to Cystic Fibrosis, I could also see a lot of broader parallels as a person with multiple disabilities.
I found the second half (approximately) especially emotional because I remember experiencing it in real time: watching her videos, donating to her gofundme and watching the total rise and rise, watching her live on social media when she got the call from the hospital for the transplant, waiting for news, and then finally hearing that she’d died. I remember it all so vividly. And seeing the video about needing new lungs now, hearing her say, “There’s so much more I wanna do,” makes me so deeply sad because everyone was so hopeful throughout the transplant process but then, suddenly, it was over and Claire was gone. There was so much she wanted to do and she truly saw how much she could do in this world and she didn’t get the chance; that still makes me so very sad.
The montage at the end was gorgeous and the ending was perfect. As I said, it’s beautiful and I feel like, as familiar as I was with Claire’s videos and therefore her approach to life and so on, I walked away from the documentary with a better understanding of her and her message.
There are so many great quotes throughout the documentary but here are a few that stuck out to me…
- “The truth is: people who are sick, people who have suffered have something beautiful to give to the world. So, for me, it was really important to see people who were sick who were thriving… It’s important to have people who are sick who are actually living full lives so that kids like me, like Little Claire, doesn’t have to feel like all there is in the world is being someone’s pity case. You know, that there’s a life for her to live. And that it’s going to be wonderful.”
- “Innovation doesn’t happen because there’s some person who’s in a great circumstance and everything’s going well and they just get on a roll and they make something for the world. Innovation happens, art happens, because of suffering.”
- “We’re all just trying to not feel so alone and to feel like we have something that is worth giving.”
- “There’s this notion that we go through life with that, if we’re just better… If we just do more, if we just fix ourselves more, if we become better people, if we get healthy […] Once you’re healthy, then you can live your life. Once you’re healthy, then you’ll be happy. Once you’re healthy, then you’ll be okay. And we all go through life like that, not just sick people… all of us. Like, once we’re rich we’ll be okay; once we’re in love we’ll be okay; once we have a family, we’ll be okay. Health itself is never gonna make your life better but for some reason, people don’t wanna frame it that way. If I was to sit here and say, ‘money doesn’t equal happiness – it’s what you do with the money,’ you’d be like, ‘Yeah, completely.’ But if I was to say, you know, ‘being healthy doesn’t matter – it’s what you do with the health…’ People don’t like hearing that necessarily.”
- When talking about her near death (and actual death) experience: “And after the terror left, there was this grief, you know? Like, I grieved how much potential there was in me and how much of that I didn’t utilise in the time I had. And I grieved it. It wasn’t fear. It wasn’t, like, ‘Oh god, I don’t wanna die.’ It was, like, ‘Wow. There is so much that a human being is capable of doing and I won’t be able to do that.'” [This moment made me cry and seeing that the memory moved Claire to tears as well made me so incredibly sad and touched that it was something they shared with us; it was very moving and had a big impact on me.]
- “For me, what purpose really meant was changing the conversation around someone who’s sick where they have to wait and wait and wait until the day that they’re healthy before they do anything, to this notion that I could be exactly who I was in the moment with all of my mess ups and my failures and my pain and my complications, that I could be a sick person and still have something to give, still have a life worth living.”
- “Ever since the time I was a kid… and I think everyone has this experience… you’re taught that someone else is gonna do it, there’s someone else who knows more than you, someone else who can do this better, you’re not there yet, you’re not ready. And I realised that I can’t spend my entire life waiting for someone to give me permission to live a life that I’m proud of.”
- “I think everything good in my life has come from my sickness and that’s a terrifying thing to admit to someone because then, you know, what else is there?”
- “There is a really fine line between wanting something because of what you can give with that thing versus wanting it because you think it’s gonna make life better.”
I will also be making a donation to Claire’s Place Foundation as well. Claire had a profound effect on my life and I want to pay that forward. I’ll never been able to thank her for how she’s helped me but I can do my best to follow the example that she led by, to follow the message that she embodied.
I really recommend watching this documentary, especially if you or someone close to you is living with a serious illness or disability. Having said that, it’s very emotional so please take care of yourself if you’re going to sit down and watch it.
I’m sending all of my love to Claire’s loved ones, especially today.
Finding Hope 