Finding HopeGrateful 2025
Posted on January 1, 2026
TW: pet loss, pet death, depression.
I had hoped to get this up on Christmas Eve – like I used to – but given everything that’s been going on with my mental and physical health and the resulting fatigue, I’m not writing as quickly or as effortlessly as I have done in the past. But fast or slow, writing down my thoughts helps me to reflect and, considering how extreme the highs and lows of this year have been, some reflection – especially on the good things in my life – has helped me to feel more grounded as the year ends.
MY MUM – I’m always grateful for my Mum but I couldn’t have imagined the ups and downs of this year if I’d tried and I absolutely couldn’t have gotten through them without her. Between Daisy (my Autism Assistance Dog) moving in and getting settled, the difficulties and stress surrounding releasing new music, music and conference commitments, chronic pain and illness flare ups, a pinched nerve, a hospital visit, and a debilitating mystery illness (which, thankfully, has now been demystified and I’m starting to recover from), she has been an anchor, a touchstone, and a source of endless support. And considering the busy year she’s had, I’m so beyond grateful that I don’t know how to fully express it. I just know that there’s no way I could’ve survived this year without her.
MY PARENTS – With everything going on this year, I’m so grateful to have had the support and encouragement of my parents. Everyone’s had a lot to deal with – it’s certainly not been the easiest twelve months – but they’ve still been there for celebration and every challenge that this year has brought. They’ve been so supportive of everything I’ve taken on this year – and not just mine: they’ve been champions of my friends and their projects too, which I couldn’t love them more for.
THE TIME I HAD WITH LUCY – I still feel so deeply sad and the house feels so lonely without Lucy but I would never give up the time I had with Lucy; I will always be grateful for every moment I had with her, even at the end when it was so distressing – for all of us. She was with me through so much hard stuff, through so much growing up, and coming home to her was always so comforting. She was so special – so sweet and affectionate and sensitive – and she’ll always have a special place in my heart; I’ll always love her more than I can properly explain. Nothing I say feels like it’s enough. I miss her more than I know what to do with and I still feel more than a bit lost and untethered without her at the centre of the house.
THE FAMILY OF CATS – Between the arrival of Daisy early in the year, the loss of Lucy, my health issues, and the summer months when they’re almost entirely in the garden, home has felt very much in flux and I haven’t seen as much of my little family of cats as I would’ve liked and that’s been really hard. It was also incredibly scary to find out that Sweep, one of the youngest generation, suddenly needed a really big surgery, especially so soon after Lucy had had to be put to sleep. But fortunately, it went really well and she recovered beautifully, if impatiently. Things are getting better: they’ve migrated back inside with the colder weather and they’re slowly becoming braver – or at least less likely to run – around Daisy. It’s not that she’s a danger to them in any way, she’s just deeply enthusiastic and bouncy, the unpredictability of which they are not fans of (plus she must seem huge to them, while Izzy has always been even smaller than they are). They’re getting used to her and she’s getting better about not bounding up to them every time she sees them. It’s been a big change for everyone and I’m honestly just so grateful that, even with Daisy’s arrival, they’ve never doubted where their home is. I’m so, so grateful for the time I have had with each of them this year – I don’t take a second of it for granted – and I’m hopeful that things will only improve and become more stable going forward.
IZZY – I’m so grateful to have this fluffy, little sock thief in my life. She’s a constant source of love and joy and hilarity. If she could, she’d spend every hour of the day in my lap and I can’t say I’d complain; she spends almost all day curled up against me on the sofa and then all night curled up against me on my bed. She’s so adorable, so sensitive and snuggly, and she’s so funny and playful. She has struggled a bit since Daisy moved in: she doesn’t like having to share me. She gets jealous of how Daisy supports me and tries to take over, tries to prove that she can do it just as well as Daisy can and, to her, Daisy is big and enthusiastic and unpredictable (and Izzy’s face is right at the height of Daisy’s furiously wagging tail, which has caused more than a few incidents between them). They’re getting there and, thankfully, Daisy is very patient with her; I couldn’t bear it if they were just fundamentally incompatible. My relationship with Izzy is so deeply special, both because of how it began and what it’s grown into, and she’s a constant comforting presence that I’m beyond grateful for.
DAISY, MY AUTISM ASSISTANCE DOG – At the beginning of the year, Daisy officially moved in and, a few months later, she was fully qualified as my Autism Assistance Dog. I’ve posted about almost all of the training process but I really need to write something about what it’s been like since she was qualified; I don’t think this post is the place to reflect on all of that because I have so many thoughts on it but this post would’ve been incomplete without her. It’s safe to say that it’s been a massive change and, as someone who’s not very good at change, it has been a hard year with a lot of anxiety. It takes time, after all, for any dog to settle into a new home, as does getting an Assistance Dog used to more and more situations and environments. She’s been doing so well and I don’t think I’ve been doing too badly either but it’s been slow going, especially as it’s been complicated by a chronic pain flare up, a pinched nerve, and months of stomach issues. So we haven’t done as much as I would’ve liked but I’m really proud of everything we’ve managed so far. Her relationships with Izzy and with the cats are still developing and their interactions don’t always go smoothly but they have and are making progress. It’s easy to spiral about them never truly getting on but I have to trust the progress they’ve made so far and that they can make more. She’s an amazing dog: sweet, smart, eager to please, always up to play or snuggle… She has such a gorgeous face and she gets so excited whenever I pick up her jacket: she’s so excited to do her job, which is just adorable and always makes me feel calmer about going out with her. It’s a long process, getting confident working as a team, but every step has been in the right direction and I’m really grateful for that. I’m also really grateful for the ongoing support from Autism Dogs. I wouldn’t have Daisy at all without them, of course, but their support this year – from accommodating me during the the final stages of Daisy’s training to the regular check ins – has been amazing and so appreciated. It’s been a huge undertaking, especially as a chronically ill and disabled person, but they’ve been so helpful and so encouraging. I’m not sure we could’ve done this without their consistent support.
(Left: Izzy // Right: Daisy, my Autism Assistance Dog)
MY THERAPIST – Having abandoned talk therapy and started somatic therapy for trauma release in 2024, this was the year that I really committed everything to it and although I’m not sure I can fully explain it, I can say that it has had a huge impact on my life. Without a doubt. I learned a lot in talk therapy but I think it can only do so much when it comes to neurodivergence and trauma (although that’s just my opinion based on my experience) and somatic therapy takes a very different approach. I’ve been working with my therapist on learning to regulate my nervous system and helping my brain and body to reconnect so that my brain is able to recognise the trauma that my body is holding onto and then strengthening it so that I can go on to process that trauma as my brain and body feel able to. For a long time, I’ve struggled to fully feel my feelings, like I can only feel so much before they get shut down and, over the last six months, that’s started to change, which is both amazing and kind of terrifying. There is a reason we shut down these feelings after all. But my therapist is brilliant. Right from the beginning, we’ve gotten along really well and I so appreciate how she’s adopted my special interests to help me make sense of aspects of somatic therapy and how to get the most out of it; she always meets me where I am and I’ve never felt alone in the process. Because somatic therapy focusses much more heavily on feeling (while talk therapy – in my experience, at least – focusses much more on thinking and reasoning), I feel like I often go into it very much on trust: I might not fully understand or feel whatever it is we’re working on in that moment or in that session but I trust my therapist and I trust her confidence in the process. It’s hard to define the progress I’ve made – trauma and safety and emotions aren’t easily measurable – but I know it’s there. I’m learning a lot and my body’s learning a lot and I know that, in time, I’ll see the proof of all of this learning.
MY FIRST HYDROTHERAPY POOL AND FINALLY GETTING BACK TO THE POOL – Early in the year, the gorgeous pool that I’ve been using to do my hydrotherapy since 2021 closed, much to my distress. Not only did it fit all of my needs and allow me to do my exercises without an audience, it was an important fixture when my mental health was particularly bad (from late 2021 to late 2022). I was very attached. I’m so grateful for the time I had there: I needed a safe space, physically and emotionally, to start building my strength back up and I couldn’t have asked for anywhere better. Finding a new pool has been really difficult but I have recently started going to a new one; it’s not the same but it has different advantages and it does allow me to get back to working in the pool, which I am very grateful for. The transition is hard but I’ve never been particularly good at change. It will just take time; it always does.
THE TATTOOS I GOT THIS YEAR – Spending less time in the pool meant that getting more tattoos wasn’t as logistically complicated as it had been previously and over the last twelve months, I’ve managed to get several new ones, including my tangle for the ten year anniversary of my Autism diagnosis and a tribute to my beloved Lucy. I had hoped to get more but with four months of the year getting swallowed up by a pinched nerve and a mystery illness, just getting out of the house has been a challenge, let alone going to a tattoo studio and sitting through a session (having said that, I do actually find being tattooed more relaxing than painful – so far at least). I’m pretty sure they weren’t necessarily the ones I thought I’d be getting when I imagined this year but I’m certainly not complaining! I love them all and I’m looking forward to getting more whenever the opportunity presents itself.
(Left: Two dragons by @valeries.tattoo // Right: Tangle by @gaiahart)
POETRY ORCHARD – I touched on this in last year’s Grateful post but, at the beginning of 2024, I joined an online poetry community called Poetry Orchard and it was, without doubt, one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’ve written so much poetry that I’m so proud of since I started going to their workshops, which are always fun and cathartic and inspiring; they’re always a highlight in my week. And I’ve met so many amazing people in this community: they’re all so lovely and thoughtful and such brilliant writers. There’s not one among them that shouldn’t be a published poet. We have the most interesting, moving discussions and I feel so seen and so understood (there’s a lot of overlapping experiences with mental health, neurodivergence, disability, chronic illness, and so on). I feel so lucky to have found this space and the friendships that have grown from it are so special to me.
MY FRIENDS – I’m so, so grateful for my friends, from the steadiness of my oldest friendships to the blossoming of the newer ones. Between working with Daisy and releasing new music in the first half of the year and my chronic pain and illness during the second half, I haven’t seen nearly enough of them but they’ve still been so supportive of me, of my music, as I’ve struggled with my health stuff… I feel so lucky to have such wonderful, kind, creative, and passionate people in my life; I’m inspired by them everyday and it’s an honour to play even the tiniest role in the incredible work they’re doing and putting out into the world, even if all I am is a witness and cheerleader. I see them changing the world, person by person, and I can’t be anything but thankful for the path that led me to each and every one of them.
RELEASING MUSIC AGAIN – This year, I finally, FINALLY, released new music and, not only that, but I released my beloved Autism centric project, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1. I started working on this in 2021 but I’ve been thinking about it for even longer and now it’s finally out in the world and people are actually listening to it! I’ve had some amazing feedback on it and some of the stories people have shared with me upon hearing it have been so incredibly touching. I’m so grateful to everyone who has listened to it so far and I am so beyond grateful to everyone who helped me to make it what it is and then get it out in the world. Working with you all was an absolute joy and I could not have done this without you. It may have been the most stressful experience of my life but I have never been so proud of anything and I can’t wait to share what I have planned for 2026.
(Write This Out – Single, In The Mourning – Single, The Loneliest Whale – Single, Too Close And Not Enough, Vol. 1 – EP (top to bottom, left to right))
SO MANY GREAT SHOWS – Concert wise, I thought last year was probably unbeatable with so many incredible concerts – from the super special album release shows of my friends to the almost-four-hour-long epic that was Taylor Swift’s The Eras Tour – but this year was also deeply special in its own way. Several of my friends released new music and I got to see them perform those songs live at the launch parties. Cora Rebel released her second EP, Small Town Murder, which I love even more than her first EP, Room For Wonder. I’m not kidding: I’m still obsessed with every single song. Similarly, I’ve been a fan of Jaz Beeson’s music since we met at university and the EP she released this year, Aren’t You Cool, is so good and her live performance has only gotten better since I last saw her and her band perform. I also made friends with the wonderful Tygermylk this year and when they released their debut album, Local Girl, Always Tired, I got to see them play the whole album live in a beautiful church in London; it was such a special event. I feel so lucky to have so many creative friends putting such awesome work out in the world and I’m so excited for what I know is coming in the new year. I also got to see Maisie Peters at one of her two Before The Bloom shows, where she gave us a sneak peak at her new album while revisiting past songs that she felt reflected the same energy as the new music, which I thought was a really cool way of structuring a gig; I got to see Maren Morris blow the roof off The Roundhouse with one of my greatest friends (we’ve been going to her shows together since The Hero Tour in 2017); and Gracie Abrams just blew me away on The Secret of Us Tour to the degree that I bought a ticket to a second show because she was so good. And I can’t talk about amazing gigs without talking about Erin LeCount (although I want to talk about her more in a minute). I saw her first in May where she headlined Bush Hall in London and she was amazing. I wasn’t able to see her the next time she was in London (because the accessibility team at the venue were actually the worst I’ve ever encountered) but when I saw her in December when she sold out KOKO in London, she was absolutely incredible: she only released her second EP in April and she’s already such a compelling performer. That second show was one of the best I’ve ever been to and I was so moved when she played my favourite songs that I cried (something I’m rarely able to do in public after years of masking). It was a deeply special year of concerts, just like 2024 but in a very different way. I’m grateful for every single one.
(Left: Sarah Close, Cora Rebel, Gracie Abrams, Erin LeCount (clockwise) // Middle: Gracie Abrams, crybby, Maisie Peters, Jaz Beeson (clockwise) // Right: Maren Morris, Tygermylk, Erin LeCount, Erin LeCount (clockwise))
And while it wasn’t a show, I did get to go and fangirl my little heart out at Ascension, a new Stargate convention. I got to see so many of my friends from The Companion, which was so much fun and although Amanda Tapping, one of my biggest heroes, had to pull out of the event, I got to meet Richard Dean Anderson who is the most wonderful human being and it was such a special experience. And he’s such a dog person so he and Daisy had some absolutely gorgeous moments together. It was Daisy’s biggest outing so far but she did brilliantly and was absolutely adored by everyone from the moment I took her jacket off to the moment I put it back on again – everyone was so respectful when she was working, which made the experience so much easier for the both of us, and it was so lovely to see how happy she made all of the guests and attendees, especially when she was off duty and was allowed to interact with everyone. Richard Dean Anderson called her his favourite convention attendee, which still makes me smile so much. I can’t wait for Ascension 2 in 2026!
ERIN LECOUNT’S MUSIC – I found Erin LeCount in late 2024 and her music completely dominated my listening time over the last year. She put out her second EP, I Am Digital, I Am Divine, in April, which is a stunning, beautifully cohesive project: the concept, the themes, the lyrics, the vocals, the melodies, the production… they’re all incredible. When she released the EP, she described it as being “about feeling dysfunctional and like there is something inherently wrong with you, the ‘digital’ being this neurotic, obsessive, ‘cold’ and very analytical part of me that felt like a battling a part of me that’s very sensitive, the ‘divine’ and the big overwhelming feelings. They’re two sides of the same coin that I’m always finding how to balance, and these songs are all those many imbalances and highs and lows.” I relate to that statement so much and I relate to every song, although my favourites are ‘Marble Arch,’ ‘Sweet Fruit,’ and ‘Silver Spoon’ (I’ve written more about the individual songs in my upcoming Songs of 2025 post so I won’t double up by deep diving into them here), with lyrics like “I am hard to love / Not what you thought / Am I? Am I? Am I? / Is there a fault in my core? / Did I do something wrong? / Did I? Did I? Did I?” and “I need someone / To look through and see me, to rip out the weeds / Growing where my heart was” and “I split the good wine, I panicked / A disaster, a knee-jerk reaction / Then everyone around us starts laughing / Is that how it’s meant to happen?” and “You were sweet, I got mean / And when we fight, I refuse to eat.” She’s since released two more songs, ‘808 HYMN‘ and ‘MACHINE GHOST,’ both of which I love but ‘MACHINE GHOST’ instantly became my favourite song of this year and probably for a long time to come; I feel the theme of dissociation so deeply (especially as I do more and more somatic work and the connection between my brain and body gets stronger – I actually listen to this song during therapy because my therapist says my body is more receptive to releasing trauma compared to when I’m not listening to it) and the lyrics, like “It hurts to stand, it hurts to stand / It hurts to stand, it hurts to stand,” and “Lights come on and there’s nobody home / And all my love pushed my back against the wall / Can someone tell god I should be feeling this more? / I can’t love you like I am supposed to / Baby, you’re the machine and I’m the ghost,” and “‘Cause everything starts hurting when I see the world in colour / And I wanna turn it off,” and “I’m not at the party and I’m not in my body,” feel like they could’ve been written for me. I feel so seen and so validated by her music and watching her produce all of her music and then recreate some of these tracks live on stage is so inspiring to me, so much so that I’ve started learning more about production for my own creative process when making music. I’ve already talked about seeing her live and how special that has been, her recent show at KOKO being one of the best shows I’ve ever been to. I wish I’d found her sooner but I’m so grateful that I found her when I did because her music means so much to me and watching her creative process and live performance develop in real time is so, so beautiful.
There has been so much to be thankful for, despite how difficult this year has been. In my experience, the relationship between gratitude and depression can be a complicated one, given how depression distorts reality and dampens emotions, and it’s something I’ve been struggling with for several years now. Sometimes engaging with that tug of war is just too hard, especially when I’m already working so hard in therapy, so the only thing I can do is acknowledge that it’s there – that it is complicated – while honouring the things in my life that are objectively positive, the things that make my life better. Sometimes that’s all you can do and that’s got to be enough.
Grateful 2024
Posted on December 31, 2024
TW: Mentions of therapy trauma and self harm.
I know I usually get this post up on Christmas Eve but I just haven’t been able to keep up with my old schedule this year; between the exhaustion from my erratic sleep schedule and my ADHD outdoing itself in fucking up my concentration, writing has been taking a lot of time and energy. I still love it but suddenly it’s just taking so much effort, in all forms, and that has massively slowed down my ability to finish anything. But there has been a lot to be grateful for this year and so I really wanted to get it down, no matter how long it took.
MUM – I know I specifically list my Mum on my ‘Grateful’ lists but it never becomes less true; I never become less grateful. I find more reasons with each year. The support she has given me this year, in good times and in bad, has been amazing: she made it possible for me to move through the Autism dog process, go to concerts, take up opportunities that I would never have been able to participate in otherwise. She’s supported me through meltdowns, the days that I couldn’t get out of bed, everything I’ve needed to make the music I’ve made this year, helping me to find the people who can support me in my mental and physical health… I couldn’t do any of this without her.
FAMILY – Not that I would ever call my family unsupportive but I feel like there have been specific instances this year that have felt new and different, in the context of the way they support me: help with applying for grants, help with getting my academic paper ready for publication, help with the Autism Dogs process, help with going to see Taylor Swift, help with finding a new therapist, even rescuing me when I’ve gotten stranded mid-meltdown… They listen to me; they know when to push me when I need it and let me stop when I need to stop; they remind me to rest (something I’m notoriously back at). My health, both physical and mental, has been so bad this year that I’ve really needed them and that change has created more change. The dynamic feels different than it has in the past and, for the most part, in a positive way; there’s room for growth.
THE FAMILY OF CATS – The cats have been a bit distant since we got Izzy. They find Izzy a pest at the best of times and so they’ve stayed away from her and therefore us as Izzy is usually with me and/or Mum. But over the last few months, they’ve started to stray from their ‘safe space’ in the kitchen and further into the house. They’re now sleeping in my room and the living room and even asking for attention, which feels like such a big win. They still avoid Izzy for the most part because she can be so excitable and unpredictable in her playfulness but we definitely have progress from the beginning of the year.
IZZY – Although she can be a little menace at times, I honestly don’t know what I’d do without Izzy in my life. I think she may well have saved my life when we got her last summer and somehow I love her even more than I did then. I love her more every day. She’s a constant presence – a constant soft, warm heartbeat – beside me and as bouncy and hyper and playful as she can be, she can be just as gentle and affectionate and sensitive; whenever I’m upset or even having a meltdown, she presses herself as close to me as possible and even licks away my tears. All she wants to do is make it better and even though it’s rarely something she can affect at all, her belief that she can and the effort she puts in can make me feel at least a little less awful.
AUTISM DOGS – While the process of working towards my Autism Assistance Dog, Daisy, and the anticipation (and, I will admit, anxiety) of waiting to see how it all plays out when she arrives, it’s also been really exciting and such a learning curve. Even though I swing backwards and forwards into various big doubts, the staff have been incredible at reassuring me and, if it’s a practical anxiety, showing me what to do to make me feel more confident. Daisy is utterly gorgeous and so eager to please and very sensitive to my needs already; I don’t know what I’m going to do if, mid-cry, I have two dogs launching themselves at me… Izzy and Daisy are getting on better but Izzy is still very possessive of me and I just have to hope that when they get to spend some significant time together (i.e. more than ninety minutes at a time), they’ll find it easier to figure out each other’s boundaries. So there’s a lot of joy there, even if there’s also a lot of anxiety. And getting to meet so many dogs has been so lovely – once there was even a litter of puppies!
OLD FRIENDS AND NEW FRIENDS – My friends and the love I have for them has been a consistent thread throughout this year. I’ve spent a lot of time, in real life and over the video calls if travel was tricky, with friends from all different periods of my life – something I feel so incredibly lucky to have. I’m still friends with my best friend from secondary school, from sixth form, from my BA, and my MA group of friends; it’s something that makes me so emotional, that we’ve managed to maintain these friendships over all of this time, despite everything that’s happened in our lives, and pick up – pretty much – as if no time has passed. Being able to share my life, hear about theirs, and hopefully support them as much as I’m able to through tough times is one of the greatest honours of my life and I can only hope that I’ve been clear enough about how much they mean to me. Their circles have broadened my circle too and that’s also been really lovely.
And due to the wedding of a friend from sixth form (she, Lois, animated a gorgeous music video for me and we’ve kept in touch sporadically over the years), I had the opportunity to see so many old friends from sixth form, many of whom I haven’t seen for years. Because of the pandemic, going to universities all over the country, traveling and moving abroad, we haven’t all been together for a really long time so I was positively giddy to see so many old friends. Life just gets so busy and with everyone scattered across the country and beyond, it hasn’t always been easy to stay in contact but, as I said, it was an absolute joy to see everyone again and I spent most of the evening hugging one person or another (apart from the solid twenty minutes of Taylor Swift music where I danced so hard that I nearly died at the end of it). There were so many exciting updates from everybody and it was just so nice to be together again. Hopefully it won’t be as long as last time before we can hang out together again.
I’ve also made a whole new group of friends, due to joining an online poetry group. What was such a casual decision has completely changed my life: my love of poetry and my creativity has grown exponentially but, more importantly, I adore the other members of the group. They’re all so kind and brave and creative and they make me feel understood and supported and safe. There’s a lot of overlap in mental illness, neurodivergence, disability, and chronic illness so we share a lot of experiences and common ground so we constantly support and ground and educate each other. Finding them was a complete fluke and now I miss our writing sessions if we go more than a week without one; they came into my life just when I needed them and I couldn’t be more grateful.
NASHVILLE FRIENDS – It was SO lovely to see my friends in Nashville when I was out there in late March-early April. And by some wonderful cosmic timing, I happened to be there the same week that my friend, Candi Carpenter, was releasing their debut album, Demonology (which is fantastic). And because they were also putting on a release show – and afterparty – lots of their friends and people who have become my friends online were all flocking to Nashville so I got to see loads of lovely people, some in person for the first time. If it hadn’t been for that, I’m not sure I would’ve seen my friend Kalie Shorr (who is also an incredible songwriter and artist) so I was very grateful for that and we had a blast at Candi’s release show and even managed to fit in a coffee and a catch up while we were both still in town. In some ways I got to see a lot of Candi – at their release show, at the afterparty, and then at another show they were playing later in the week – but they were obviously very focussed on getting the album out (completely understandably) so we really didn’t get much time at all to just hang out and catch up but it was so incredibly special to be at their show and celebrate the album and then be the super annoying fan whooping from the front row at the second gig. I truly would’ve been gutted to miss the release show: I’m pretty sure it was one of the best shows I’ve ever been to. So the time I did get to see Candi was very precious. And I also got to see Caylan, my very oldest Nashville friend, and we got to have a really lovely catch up and managed at least one Pancake Pantry outing. While my previous Nashville trips have been much more focussed on Tin Pan South, this trip ended up being much more focussed on my friends, although I did manage to get to see some of my Nashville faves, like Ingrid Andress.
ESCAPISM – While there were some really great days this year, there were still a lot of bad ones and still a lot of really, really terrible ones and I’m grateful for the escape that various activities have given me. I didn’t read much this year – my ADHD, brain fog, difficulty concentrating, etc was brutal this year – but diving into films and TV really got me through some of the tough times. Film wise, A Quiet Place: Day One was so much better than I thought it would be, considering how many times alien invasion films have been done and the fact that the main characters weren’t in it; I thought the lens through which they told the story was really moving. I also watched Fitting In and The Fallout and found both of those really powerful; they’re both the kinds of stories that we need to be telling and learning from because they dig into really big subjects and don’t always follow the storyline you expect them to, which often makes them much more true to real life. Oh, and I loved the most recent film from The Hunger Games franchise, The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes (which I did actually also read). I really didn’t expect to like it because I really wasn’t interested in a story with Snow as the protagonist but I ended up finding it fascinating and enjoying it more than the original trilogy by far; Rachel Zegler and Viola Davies were, of course, also fantastic and I think it’s one of the most beautiful and visually interesting films I’ve seen in a really long time. (I also watched The Trap, which I recommend nobody watch ever – it’s actually amazing how terrible a film can be.) TV wise, I got back into Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, which was really nice because I love Olivia but was so bored of the storyline and Elliot features when I sort of tuned out; I’ve been enjoying the recent series a lot more. I also loved the new season of The Lincoln Lawyer and the new season of Criminal Minds: Evolution was better than I ever imagined possible: I’m honestly still obsessed with it – the character arcs, the acting, the greater plot, the strings left untied – and I can’t wait for the next one. I really got into Nobody Wants This, A Man on the Inside, and Black Doves (I’ve never seen Keira Knightly so good and I may never get over the relationship between her and Ben Whishaw’s characters) and I’m really excited that all three of them have been renewed for another season because I just want more! I also really enjoyed Red Eye – which was on ITV and I think was just a standalone series – with its amazing cast, acting, and storyline; it was really compelling right from the beginning and it was able to stay high stakes while still being clever and interesting and actually quite moving. And, of course, I found escape in music: I got really into both Beth McCarthy and Gracie Abrams because of their new releases this year; I was and still am, of course, obsessed with Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poet’s Department; and one of my favourite people, Candi Carpenter, put out their debut album, Demonology, which I know will stay as one of my favourite albums forever. Both Candi and another of my favourite people, Kalie Shorr – both of whom I first met in Nashville – started Patreons to fund their sophomore albums and while the perks of subscribing are lovely, getting to see these two albums come together is so freaking cool and I feel like I’m learning so much about the album process, from writing to production to creative direction and so on. I highly recommend checking them out and supporting them if you can. Candi’s is here and Kalie’s is here.
AMANDA TAPPING AND THE COMPANION – I have always loved Amanda Tapping – she’s been a hero of mine for more than fifteen years now – and I was lucky enough to meet her again at Basingstoke Comic Con this year. It was a tough few days – the event was very chaotic and there was an awful heatwave – but I have so many special memories of the experience. The panels were really interesting and all of the guests were really open and good-humoured despite the heat and exhaustion. I was, as always, really excited to see Amanda and getting to see Richard Dean Anderson was really wonderful; I’d sort of forgotten how much I love him and Jack O’Neill. I was kind of disappointed that I hadn’t bought a pass to meet him but the queue was so long that people were missing other things and I think I would’ve passed out before meeting him (having said that, I did run into him in the hallway before one of his panels and although he was barely able to stop moving, he was really sweet). Talking to Amanda again was as lovely as it always is (she is one of the kindest people I’ve ever met) and, although the meet and greet wasn’t what was promised, it was still really special. I also got to meet the organisers and many members of The Companion, an organisation that celebrates sci-fi and fandom and one of their biggest projects has been Embracing Mental Health as a Fandom with Amanda Tapping; it was so freaking lovely to meet them all in person for the first time after having everything be online for so long. The Companion panel with Amanda was amazing and really moving and I felt so lucky to be there. I missed it all as soon as I got in the car to go home but it was so special and I can’t wait for the next event, whatever and whenever that may be.
WALKING AWAY FROM MY LAST THERAPIST – I wrote an incredibly long post about this earlier in the year but the short version is that, at the beginning of the year, my therapist of the last couple of years traumatised me, triggered a meltdown, and ultimately pushed me into a dissociative state. I couldn’t go back for over a month and while I tried to engage with her over a phased return (because I felt too traumatised to even go back into the room), she wouldn’t discuss it and then threatened to terminate therapy unless I came back. Honestly, I never wanted to see her again at this point but I wanted to understand why she’d apparently become a completely different person from when I’d first met her. That session was a complete disaster but in a way I’d never expected: she babbled like an idiot, unable to justify any of her decisions or reasons for terminating therapy (which she was doing, regardless of the previous manipulation of terminating unless I came back). She accused me of threatening her livelihood by missing sessions (although she’d been fully aware of the issue and she’d had notice for every session apart from one, when I’d thought I’d be able to get there and then couldn’t) and then referred to my six-ish weeks of trauma-induced dissociation due to her actions as ‘an extended holiday.’ I had such a physical reaction to that that I honestly thought I was having some kind of cardiac event: my heart rate had been so high throughout the session and I’d been shaking like a leaf, unable to take deep breaths. She asked if she could come and sit next to me and I honestly don’t know what I would have done if she had; I did not want her anywhere near me. But at some point during the session, something changed for me: it was like shedding my skin that I’d long needed to let go of and this new version of me had a new kind of strength, I guess… the emotional strength to push back rushed into my body like much-needed oxygen. For every lie, I had evidence against her; for every attempt to manipulate me, I called her out; for every time she tried to make it my fault, I was able to volley the accusation back. Maybe seeing her had triggered the fury I felt and as soon as I felt that, I was able to stand my ground and push back. Or maybe it was the absolute ridiculousness of her behaviour. I wasn’t going to let her get away with that. I did end up going to one final session, to give her a final chance to explain, but she was just as all over the place and halfway through the session, the air just went out of me and I left. I didn’t want anything to do with her for another minute and there was nothing she could say or do to change that. It was a very traumatic experience and I’m not grateful for that at all; I’m beyond sick of terrible therapists who hurt their clients more than they help them. But I’m really grateful for the new person I grew into as a result of it all, even if it took me a while to recognise it.
GETTING THE TATTOO BUG – After almost fifteen years of wanting tattoos but other things just getting in the way, I finally got my first tattoo… and my second… and my third… and at the time of writing this, I have six with plans for many more. I love having them and I love getting them, which is apparently not that unusual for people who have self harmed; I find it oddly therapeutic and I definitely get a rush from it. I have had one really bad experience with a tattoo artist discriminating against me and refusing me disability accommodations, which was traumatic and has been taking up a lot of my time and brain space to resolve. It’s not, as of yet, resolved but I’m still working on it and I hope that there will be some progress soon. But that incident aside, I’ve absolutely loved it and I’m looking forward to figuring out which tattoos I’ll be getting next…
AMAZING SHOWS, FROM BASEMENT BARS TO STADIUMS – I had a year of amazing concerts, from small songwriters’ circles (shout out to Stories in Song) to Taylor Swift’s almost four hour long epic, The Eras Tour, at Wembley Stadium (shout out to Electrolyte Fastchews for keeping me alive). I got to see multiple incredible songwriters at Tin Pan South in Nashville (including my long time fave, Ingrid Andress), as well as my beloved Kalie Shorr and Candi Carpenter – it was so special to be able to be in the room cheering for them, rather than stuck behind the screen on a livestream. I got to see Holly Humberstone for the first time. I got to see Bleachers twice, which I was particularly grateful for: the first time I ‘saw’ them, the accessibility team put me in the back row of the seating and, even though the seats were raised, everyone stood up and refused to sit down when told by security so I wasn’t able to see much of anything. I got to see Maisie Peters twice as well, first opening for Taylor Swift (which was awesome and so emotional that I cried through most of it) and then opening for Noah Kahan, who was also amazing. I got to see one of my tutors, Jonathan Whiskerd, play the launch gig of his stunning upcoming album, which was so special, even more so because I know how much time and effort and care has gone into it. I got to see Beth McCarthy headline Heaven, which was so much fun; I got to see Halsey play a surprise show at KOKO, performing a mix of songs from their previous albums and a few new ones, The Great Impersonator having not been released yet (that show was super emotional); and I got to see Kelsea Ballerini play an incredible one night only show at The Roundhouse. It was an amazing year for concerts and I’m not sure how 2025 could beat it but I do have a few very cool ones lined up.
TAYLOR SWIFT AND THE ERAS TOUR – Taylor Swift usually makes her way onto my grateful lists, for one reason or another, and this year I have so many reasons to be thankful for her. The paper that I wrote on her lyric writing and presented at what I believe was the first Taylor Swift centric conference, Taylor Swift Study Day 2021, is about to be published (I did an interview about it here), which is so exciting! She released her newest album, The Tortured Poets Department, which I love and feel like I’ve learned so much from, from a songwriting perspective; I love it so much that I got a tattoo of a lyric from ‘The Black Dog.’ I endlessly enjoyed following The Eras Tour online and discussing each night and each night’s mashup on Tumblr. And then getting to go… Getting to go to The Eras Tour was absolutely magical; I will never forget how special it felt to be there, to experience those shows with the wonderful people I got to go with. I was so lucky to be able to go multiple times but the most special part of that was the fact that I had so many friends who wanted to go and wanted to go with me, their resident Swiftie friend: as a teenager I was bullied and harassed relentlessly for loving Taylor so to have more friends wanting to go with me than there were shows in London (not that I went to every show in London) was so healing for my younger self. The show was beyond incredible, I had so much fun with my friends (and, of course, my Mum – we’ve been to many Taylor shows together), and I got to witness the most beautiful mashups and special guests, including Paramore as an opener, the live debut of ‘The Black Dog,’ the first Eras Tour performance of ‘I Did Something Bad,’ Maisie Peters as an opener, the mash up of ‘Change’ and ‘Long Live,’ Jack Antonoff as a special guest, and the first ever live performance of ‘Florida!!!’ WITH Florence + The Machine. I will honestly never get over the experiences I had. The effort it took to go to the shows required almost a month of recovery time and it took over a week before I was able to make coherent sentences but it was so completely worth it. I’m not sure there will ever be another concert experience like The Eras Tour but then this is Taylor Swift we’re talking about so who knows…
HALSEY – I’ve loved Halsey for years and I’ve always felt her music very deeply; there are multiple odd little parallels in our lives (we were actually born on the same day, only a few hours apart) that have always made her music feel like it’s deeply personal just to me, even though I know there is a thriving fandom out there who I’m sure feel the same way. I found it quite difficult to hear that they were going through really difficult health stuff, partly because I was also going through difficult health stuff, so it was a big relief when they started doing shows again. I was ridiculously lucky and managed to get a ticket to see them live at KOKO, just before The Great Impersonator came out, and it was just so magical to see them perform live again (I last saw Halsey live on The Manic Tour at The O2 Arena in 2020) and not just live but live at a super small, intimate venue. When they teared up, I could actually see the shine in their eyes because that’s how small the venue was; being at such a small show – just them and us – felt like a really special moment of reconnection. It was an incredible show, as I’ve always known Halsey shows to be, and see them so at ease onstage and so moved to be in front of a crowd (and a crowd of fans who were so thrilled to be there) was really moving (and, as I said, really reassuring). I got to hear songs I never thought I’d hear live due to the Love + Power Tour having been a US only tour: I was so excited when I realised that anything was up for grabs and it was a breathtaking experience to hear songs like ‘1121’ and ‘honey’ live. It was also one of the best gigs, accessibility wise, that I’ve ever been to, from the venue to the staff to the other fans; that meant a lot to me. And then, of course, there’s the new album, The Great Impersonator, which is incredible. It’s so raw, so moving and so powerful, and it’s been crafted so carefully and beautifully; the stories, within the greater story, that Halsey is telling are so detailed and delicate and the production is so varied and expressive. I’m just obsessed with it. But the rawness of it also makes it painful to listen to. Listening to it, I felt like so many of the songs could’ve been about me to a certain extent because I related to them so deeply; it’s a hard listen and it does feel like an excavation of every wound but I also felt so seen and so understood, which is so rare. All of the songs feel so precious to me (‘Life of the Spider (Draft)’ and the ‘Letter to God’ trio especially so) and it will always be an incredibly special album to me. I read one review that summed it up really well: “This is not an album designed to be a chart-topper; it’s a masterclass in the ways we use art to survive – which is to say, a masterclass in honesty.” I think this is so true, for the album, for Halsey as an artist, and for the way I feel about songwriting as an artist myself.
TRYING SOMATIC THERAPY – I needed a break after the traumatic end to my last relationship with a therapist but I still really needed help. I’ve reached a point where I don’t think talk therapy can do much for neurodivergence and trauma related issues (although I do think it can be helpful for working through certain things – I’m still in contact with a talk therapist I trust for when I do need that sort of support) so I started doing some research and ended up looking for a somatic therapist. I managed to find one really close by and I’ve had three sessions with her so far and I really like her; we get along really well and she just gets me. I can’t really explain it but I do think I feel different and I would recommend it to everyone, neurodivergent or neurotypical (I’ve already specifically suggested it to multiple people in my life, if only to get the short term relief I felt after the first session). We’re all carrying a lot of trauma these days, especially after the pandemic and with everything going on in the world, and the trauma of it all seems to be flying under the radar. I’m nervous to let my hopes get too high but I’m cautiously optimistic about how I might feel after more sessions in the new year.
NEW WORKING RELATIONSHIPS – This year I’ve met and worked with some truly amazing people that have made me so excited for my upcoming music releases. Up to this point, it’s pretty much been me, Richard Marc, and my Mum making things happen (and, of course, Josh of Sprogglet Studies who always does a fantastic job of mixing and mastering my tracks). But this year, I’ve met some wonderful people who really get me and get my music and, for the first time, I feel like I have music industry professionals (ones who I didn’t already know) who believe in me and who are passionate about what I’m passionate about and that means so much to me. I don’t want to say too much yet, since I haven’t made any official announcements about new music, but I’m so grateful to Tahnee and now Abi for everything they’ve done so far and for everything we have planned. I’ve also worked with some very cool photographers this year. In Nashville, I worked with Katie-Mac Photography and she had some ideas that, even now, I’m obsessed with; I only wish we’d had longer to explore them (and that the logistics hadn’t been so stressful). I did a shoot with Fraser MacKenzie, which was really fun; because we didn’t have a specific plan in mind, we were just able to improvise and see what worked and that was really cool. I’m learning so much through all of these experiences and so I’m really grateful for all of them. And then, of course, I finally got to work with Tom, who I’ve been chatting to for YEARS at this point: we’ve been talking about doing the artwork for this project ever since I came up with the idea and despite the pandemic and my health issues and our busy lives, we finally did it and it’s SO GOOD. I’m SO excited for people to see it; I’m absolutely obsessed. I also have to give Richard his own special shout out for all of the time and work and care that he’s poured into this project with me to make this new music; he has been my musical partner for over ten years now and I could not do it all without him. Making art with him is like making magic and our sessions together are some of my very favourite times. They, like our friendship, feel like anchors in my life and I can’t wait to create more stuff in the new year.
So I managed to finish it! It is still 2024. Just. I do want to get my unfinished 2024 (and 2023 – oops) posts up in time but I’ve been so hard on myself about it and that hasn’t gotten them finished or been good for me so I’m trying to just take my time and slowly get them done. Anyway. As I said, even though it’s been a tough year, there has been a lot to be grateful for and oh my god, do I feel grateful. I can’t imagine how any year could ever be like this year but who knows what next year will bring, good and bad.
Discovering Cosmic Horror
Posted on December 23, 2024
A while back, my poetry group did a workshop based on the theme of ‘cosmic horror’ and I had, of course, signed up because I sign up to every workshop. The materials we discuss are always fascinating, the discussions are so much fun, and the poems everyone writes are incredible. I didn’t know what cosmic horror was but I’d been to workshops I’d known little about before and ended up writing poems I was really proud of. Still, I felt like I should do some research since I didn’t know what ‘cosmic horror’ actually was…
I spent several hours googling and searching on different social media platforms – sometimes I find someone describing something in layman’s terms easier to understand – but I wasn’t finding an explanation that really made it click for me. Then I came across this post on Tumblr…
(x)
Reading this, I almost threw up because it explained a feeling I’ve had for as long as I can remember: that the world is horrifying and overwhelming and that living in it is all but unbearable. I don’t know when the pieces clicked together, what it was I learned that triggered that realisation but it’s one that I have never been able to forget even though I have no idea what the root of it is; every day it’s a battle not to be overwhelmed by it. I have never been able to articulate it but I feel like the ant described here. I’m full of emotions I can’t comprehend but can’t forget. I feel like I can’t be a ‘normal’ person ever again because once you learn what the world is really like, you can’t unlearn it. I feel ‘mad’ in the way this post describes. I feel like this ant, screaming and convulsing until it kills me. I’ve never seen or heard anything that comes so close to describing how I feel at the core of who I am as a human being. I can’t tell whether it’s more validating or triggering.
I don’t know how accurate this is as a definition or explanation of cosmic horror but it resonated with me so shockingly that I still feel rattled by it. The poetry workshop was excellent, as usual, and the poems written by the group really blew me away. I didn’t feel able to get that far into the subject matter – all of these feelings were still too raw – but I think I still managed to write some interesting pieces. I’d like to finish them at some point or take them in a different direction if the cosmic horror theme still feels too much.
It’s interesting to me that I found this just as I’ve started somatic therapy sessions, given that somatic therapy is about releasing the trauma you’re carrying in your body, knowingly or unknowingly. I don’t know where this terror of the unknowable, these existential fears, came from but maybe my body does and maybe this therapy will help because I don’t know how much longer I can carry this; an ant can only scream and convulse for so long before it dies.
Finding Hope 