Finding HopeESCAPRIL 2023 (With A Sprinkling of NaPoWriMo)
Posted on May 6, 2023
TW: Mentions of blood, injury, dermatillomania, and drug use.
April has come and gone and the poetry challenges – ESCAPRIL and NaPoWriMo (National Poetry Writing Month) – are over. I am such a fan of these challenges and I keep meaning to seek out more of them; I love writing poetry but it tends to be the creative outlet that always slips down my list of priorities, just because there’s always so much to do. So a challenge or series of prompts is a great impetus to get writing again. I didn’t manage to write everyday, especially at the beginning of the month when I was still in Nashville and then releasing my new single, ‘House on Fire,’ but when I got into it, I couldn’t stop writing.
On the whole, I wrote more for ESCAPRIL than I did for Na PoWriMo. I think I was just more inspired by this year’s prompts from the former. Plus I think it’s fair to say that more of the NaPoWriMo prompts experiment with form and structure whereas ESCAPRIL focusses on content, the part of poetry writing that I find more exciting and fulfilling.
ESCAPRIL encourages participants to post their work on social media throughout the month but I’ve never engaged in that part of the challenge; doing the challenge is for me and my writing, although I do enjoy sharing some of my favourites at the end of the month. I mean, that’s why I do this blog post. But I can’t imagine posting a piece right after writing it, when it’s still soo fresh and raw; that sounds more than a little bit terrifying. Anyway…
Here are the prompts for 2023:
Here are a few of my favourites from the month. A lot of them weren’t comfortable to write – and now to read – but they feel raw and real and that’s what’s most important to me in poetry, especially my own…
ESCAPRIL
NaPoWriMo
(Inspired, obviously, by the short film, The Nettle Dress.)
So there you have it, a handful of the poems I wrote throughout April, inspired by these two challenges. I feel like a lot of dark stuff comes out in my poetry, as well as stuff that I went through when I was younger, I think because I didn’t necessarily have the the emotional maturity to recognise what I was feeling or the language to describe those feelings. Some of them come from my present day brain though, working through stuff by writing about it. That is, after all, what writing poetry is for me, in whatever form that may take.
BEHIND THE SONG: House on Fire
Posted on May 5, 2023
Today I posted a new video on Youtube, talking about the inspiration and process behind the writing of my newest single, ‘House on Fire.’ I posted it on all of my social media accounts but I also wanted to post it here because I put so much of myself into this song. Both my initial inspiration for the song and the interpretation that has evolved over time mean so much to me and it means a lot to me to share it all in more detail. I just felt like you guys might connect with these stories, as well as the song.
If you haven’t listened to the song yet, you can find it here and I’ll be releasing more stuff soon. I hope you like the song, I hope it makes you feel something, and I hope it’s been interesting to hear the story behind the writing of the song, some of the behind the scenes of the creative process.
As always, thank you for listening to my songs, watching my videos, and reading my posts. It means more than I can say.
EDIT: You can now watch the behind the scenes of making this video, where I rambled, tripped over my own tongue, and accidentally advertised Red Bull! Enjoy! (x)
It Only Took Eight Years…
Posted on April 22, 2023
Last week, I had a little moment – relating to being autistic – that just utterly made my week, my month… you get the idea. And I wanted to share that on here.
Sometimes it feels like medical professionals just don’t get it and it’s easy to feel pressured into making decisions that we wouldn’t necessarily have made had our needs been understood and had we been given more time to think about it. But then something like this happens and it just… makes me feel hopeful, I guess. That things will get better, that people will become more aware and more understanding.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you may remember that I’ve been going to a specialist dental clinic for several years now, having had some pretty traumatic experiences at the dentist before that, before my Autism diagnosis. Since then, going to the dentist has been a lot less scary; I think it will probably always be stressful but it is a lot easier than it used to be (and for that I am very grateful).
I was at my appointment last week and after a gentle and patient check, my dentist ran through the potential next steps. Then she paused and acknowledged that I probably needed some time to think about it, that, while I seemed calm, she didn’t want to make any assumptions about what I was actually feeling and what I would be comfortable with. It surprised me in the moment but fortunately it was an easy choice so we moved on quickly. But then, as I was walking out, I processed what had just happened and I was kind of floored by it. I don’t think I’ve ever had a medical professional say something like that to me before, not in the eight years since I was diagnosed as autistic: I probably needed some time to think about it, that, while I seemed calm, she didn’t wanted to make any assumptions about what I was actually feeling and what I would be comfortable with. (I’ve talked about masking and needing time and feeling pressured with therapists but I don’t really put them in the same box as every other kind of medical professional: GPs, consultants (some who work with autistic people and therefore really should know better and some who don’t but should still know better), mental health professionals, dentists, etc.) If I had a pound for every time someone just assumed I was fine because I look fine – even knowing that I’m autistic, even knowing about masking – I would be unbelievably rich. So, having that acknowledged and considered and validated… I don’t even know how to describe how great that feels.
While having this all the time would be amazing, I’m really grateful to have it in a medical space, the kind of space that can be so stressful and pressured. Generally I’m not afraid to tell people that I’m struggling but masking or that I need time to think about things but after so many traumatic experiences in medical settings, I find it very hard; the pressure feels more suffocating and I feel so close to panicking. It would be great to have more people like my dentist with her approach in healthcare but, in this moment at least, I’m just deeply grateful that I have one safe space when it comes to managing my health.
I’ve been thinking about this experience a lot since it happened and while I remain incredibly grateful to have this dentist taking care of me, I just can’t help wondering what it would be like if there were more people like her, not only in medical spaces but in society in general. I can’t even imagine what that would be like. I’m pretty loud and proud about being autistic (even if I don’t always feel proud – I just can’t bear the thought of being even a small part of the reasons why someone might feel bad or scared or ashamed of being autistic) but I don’t always feel safe doing that. And that applies to everything from physical safety to work opportunities to potential friendships. I’m painfully aware that I could be jeopardising those things when I make it clear that I’m autistic (not that it will stop me – after all, it’s going to come up sooner or later). I just can’t help imagining what it would be like to be and talk about my whole self and feel safe doing that.
Finding Hope 