Finding HopeGrateful 2022
Posted on December 24, 2022
TW: Mentions of depression and suicidal thoughts.
I think it’s safe to say that this has been the worst year of my life. I’ve been so depressed and suicidal and that has just swallowed up the whole year. And feeling like that, it’s hard to access gratitude, even when you know that there are things to be grateful for. So I’m trying, according to my yearly tradition, to focus on the things that I know I’m grateful for, even if I can’t always feel it properly.
My Mum – What can I say, my Mum is amazing. So much of this year has been so awful and she’s been with me through all of it; she’s never given up, even when I kind of wish she would. She has been my champion. She’s the best and I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve her.
My family – I’m not sure what more I can say about my family, about how great they are. I have not been easy and my issues have taken up a lot of energy and yet, they have been there for me, supporting me in whatever way I needed at the time without judgement. There are so many different things I could write about, moments I could mention, but the most important thing to say is that I love them, more than I could possibly express.
The friends who’ve supported me – I am grateful for all of my friends but I wanted to give a special shout out to the friends who’ve been especially supportive over this last year. I’ve felt very alone and when friends reached out to me, it meant (and means) a lot. They didn’t necessarily do anything (although a few friends gave me gifts this year that I feel utterly undeserving of but am deeply grateful for nonetheless) but they sat with me in it, whether that meant actually talking about it all or watching TV together.
New friends – Despite the fact that I haven’t been out much this year, I have actually made some new friends this year, which has been nice. The pandemic hasn’t exactly been conducive to meeting new people and neither has my depression but the new friends that I have made, especially the ones that I have some quite heavy stuff in common with, have been a gift.
The connections that survived the pandemic – There were friends and acquaintances that I didn’t see for a long time because of the pandemic, several of those in Nashville for example, that I worried wouldn’t be the same after so long. Part of that is just my relentless anxiety that maybe no one actually likes me but part of that is also that everyone has a life, has their own stuff, and went through a trauma with the pandemic; I wasn’t sure if some of my relationships would survive all of that and I wouldn’t have held it against them if they hadn’t. But to my surprise and delight, many of these connections did survive the pandemic and even managed to grow over the year.
The cats – I don’t know what I’d do without my gorgeous cats; I really don’t. They’re adorable, they’re snuggly, they’re funny, they’re comforting… The list goes on. I feel very lucky to have them; there’s always one around to cuddle up with or make me smile. Lucy ushers me to bed when I stay up too late and keeps watch until she’s sure I won’t get up again. Tiger headbutts me until I stroke her and then she purrs like I’ve bestowed the greatest honour upon her. Mouse is slowly becoming more affectionate, having always been less sociable than her mother and her sibling, and has started seeking us out for strokes and cuddles. Sooty gets obviously impatient if I don’t make space for her on the sofa and then instantly settles down, stretched out and pressed up against me. Sweep appears and flops dramatically on top of her mother, like they’ve been separated for weeks (and, bless her, still struggles with the cat flap occasionally despite it having been there her whole life). They’re all the sweetest of little souls and I love them dearly.
Finding a private pool for hydrotherapy – It took many months and several attempts but we finally found a private pool that was a good fit for me to do my hydrotherapy exercises. Many of the preceding ‘failures’ didn’t allow me to do certain exercises or required travelling a fairly significant distance, so I am very pleased to have found such a gorgeous pool that has everything I need almost on my doorstep (plus the owners are lovely and their passion for decorating the pool for each holiday always makes me smile). When my routine is running smoothly, I manage to get there three times a week, which is great; sometimes it’s less than that but such is life. I’m doing my best here.
The fictional worlds I can escape into – One of my main coping mechanisms this year has been watching TV shows, old favourites mostly, and reading fanfiction and escaping into those familiar, comforting worlds. They’ve been both an escape and a relaxation technique. They give my thoughts somewhere safe to go when everything else, inside my brain and out in the world, doesn’t feel safe, when all of that stuff feels like a terrifying minefield. I’m grateful to have these worlds to lose myself in, even if only for a while.
When I feel like this, like I’m drowning in my depression with these near constant suicidal thoughts, things to be grateful for feel like a double edged sword. Sometimes they’re things that make me feel like I can keep hanging on, even if just for a little bit longer, and sometimes they feel like weights tied to my ankles, keeping me here when I desperately don’t want to be and I have to admit I resent them for that. So it’s anything but simple. It’s good and bad and hard and confusing; I can feel differently, ten different times in a day sometimes. But these are the objectively good things in my life and I can recognise that. I wanted to honour them for that.
The First Six Months of Hydrotherapy
Posted on August 13, 2022
When I was first diagnosed with Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome back in October 2020, hydrotherapy was recommended both for general fitness and muscle strength (which would, in theory, help with the back and leg pain I was struggling with) and to build up my core muscles, which are a notoriously weak area for hypermobile people. I was up for that since I’ve always enjoyed being in the water but COVID made the whole process very complicated and very slow.
As far as I can tell, with the way things currently are, it seems that the way to get a referral for hydrotherapy is to be referred for physiotherapy and then a physiotherapist assesses you and refers you on to the hydrotherapy department. I’d been referred for physio three times, I think, by three different doctors between May 2020 and when I finally got an appointment in November 2021. I find myself feeling a level of righteous indignation over waiting eighteen months for a simple referral, especially when I was in pain pretty much every day, but I know it was all more complicated than that. COVID was the obvious cause for the delay but the NHS waiting lists are also incredibly long anyway. But, as soon as it all started happening, it all happened at once.
At the beginning of November 2021, I met with a physiotherapist and he referred me on to the hydrotherapy department and at the end of the month, I had an appointment with them. I will admit that, after waiting eighteen months for an appointment, I was a bit appalled that the appointment consisted of just a half hour run-through of exercises to do without a huge amount of guidance. But this is how the system works and I’ll take what I can get.
While I continued swimming in my ‘normal’ pool, I struggled to find a pool that allowed me to do all of the exercises I’d been assigned: the height of the water needed to be within a certain range, I needed to be able to walk in the water, I needed a step of a specific height and width, and so on. And finding a pool that fitted all of the requirements was difficult, and that was without all of my COVID related anxieties being factored in. We finally found a pool just as Omicron started rearing its head and I had a meltdown leaving the first session; I was massively overstimulated and my anxiety was just overwhelming. Those weren’t exactly fond memories that I was keen to revisit but it wasn’t going to work anyway as the steps didn’t allow me to do the step related exercises and there are too many of those not to have access to the right kind of steps. I was managing a modified version of the exercises in my usual pool while we searched for another hydro-friendly pool but then Omicron hit in earnest and we all retreated inside to insure Christmas could go ahead as planned.
From December 2021 to early March 2022, I was incredibly unwell because of the ADHD medication I’d been trying, too unwell to swim at all. But, in that time, my Mum had found another pool. The first session went well (although it was really hard work after so little movement for a couple of months) and the set up of the pool meant I could do all of the suggested exercises. I got a few sessions in before I left for Nashville in late March.
Back from Nashville and semi-recovered from the jet lag in late April, I got back in the pool, both to swim and to do my hydro exercises. It took a bit of work and scheduling but after a while, I managed to build in two sessions a week while I got used to the routine and started building up my strength and stamina after so little proper exercise for so long. I’ve had multiple conversations with multiple health professionals about my tendency to throw my all into stuff and how I need to take things slowly if it’s going to actually help so, even though it’s very frustrating, I am trying my best to push down that irritation and just focus on the exercises.
So, that was my first six months of hydrotherapy. There’s a few months between where this post finishes and where I am now but I thought those first six months were important to document. Since then, I had to stop using one pool and tried out another – which I love – despite difficulty actually getting out to swim because my mental health has been so bad.
Although it hasn’t been a priority (and still isn’t one really – one thing at a time), I do want to find a new all-round gym since the gym I used to go to closed down after the multiple lockdowns. I want to get fitter; I’m just having to take a longer route than I would’ve previously thought.
Goals For 2022 (Part 1)
Posted on February 26, 2022
I had intended to set goals at the beginning of the year but honestly, I was feeling so terrible that I couldn’t even see twenty-four hours ahead, let alone six months or a year. So I decided to shelve the setting of goals until I felt a bit more… like myself, I guess. I’m not sure I’m ready to commit to anything too… much just yet, given that I’m barely back on my feet (something that still feels debatable some days). It’s hard to plan ahead. So, I thought I’d split this post into two this year: goals for the first six months and then goals for the second. Maybe. It does feel a bit like I’m just going through the motions but maybe that’s just what I need to do right now.
GET MY MENTAL HEALTH STABILISED – Between the pandemic stuff I was already carrying around, the burnout post-MA, the disaster that was the ADHD medication, and the anxiety induced breakdown I had at the end of January (plus having been unable to see my therapist pretty much since last May), I’m one big mess. I’ve started the Moclobemide but it still feels too early to say for sure whether or not it’s the right thing. I’m starting to write again though, which is a good sign. Hopefully I’ll be back at therapy in the not too distant future, plus there are some other options for support to consider. I just feel like, until I get my head sorted – or at least a bit more sorted – my life is on hold and I hate it. I can’t have a real life until there’s some resolution here.
GET BACK TO SWIMMING – I haven’t been very mobile at all over the last few months, given how bad my mental and physical health has been, and I’m definitely feeling it. My chronic pain over the last couple of weeks has been awful – back to the levels it was last summer – and now that I actually feel able to leave the house, I really want to get back to swimming and to my hydrotherapy exercises. I want to get fitter and I want to get stronger; the hope is that, the stronger my body is, the better my life with hEDS will be.
RELEASE NEW MUSIC – I’m so desperate (in a good way) to release new music. It’s been so long since the Honest EP came out and even longer since I wrote the songs. So much has changed since then, for me as person and as a songwriter. I am working on an album and that’s my real passion project but it is going to take time and I don’t want to keep anyone waiting that long. Hell, I don’t want to wait that long. So I am working on music to release before the album and while it’s taking a bit longer because of the last few months, it is happening and it is coming.
I don’t have an exact deadline for these goals, especially since mental and physical health don’t always adhere to any schedule you set for yourself. But I’m hoping that I can do these things – and perhaps more – within the first half of the year. Then, maybe, I can set a new series of goals that are a bit more exciting and ambitious once I’m feeling a bit more solid.
Finding Hope 