Finding HopeNovember 2023 in Photos
Posted on November 30, 2023
I really enjoyed doing the photo challenge in September so I couldn’t resist doing another one. It’s been a weird month though; I don’t know if I would’ve committed to it had I known what the month would hold, how exhausted and burned out I’d feel, but once I’d decided to do it, I had to follow through. Between how tired and how focussed on my current writing I’ve been, there haven’t been many opportunities to take unique or exciting photos but I’ve done my best. So here is my November 2023 in photos, as prompted by the Planner & Paper photo challenge on Instagram, Life in Pockets…
1. Thankful for…
How could I not be thankful for this gorgeous little bean? She’s soft and warm and snuggly and she adores me as much as I adore her.
2. Home Decor
My favourite room in my house is the living room and that is largely due to the fairy lights that we hung around the room a few years ago. They give the room a soft, warm glow and it always feel inviting and safe. Sometimes I put them on during the day, regardless of the light level, because it just gives me a little boost to look at them.
3. Selfie
I rarely take selfies anymore, especially alone. I just really don’t like looking at myself if I’m completely honest. But I have taken a few while holding Izzy, if she’s doing something particularly cute, like she did in this moment: falling asleep on my chest and tucking her face into my neck. It was too adorable not to take a photo of.
6. Home Project
I don’t have a home project exactly but my current self-care-craft-project-sort-of-thing is making bracelets, inspired by The Eras Tour. There’s just something really soothing about the repetitive motion, about making something – even something this simple – with my hands.
8. While I’m At Work
If I flip down the lid of my laptop where it sits on my little sofa table, this is my view: Izzy curled up on or against me, a cat or two on various soft surfaces, and sometimes my Mum working similarly. It’s a very companionable, pleasant way to work.
9. Something Not So Fun
After several days of feeling pretty unwell, I took a COVID test. I’d thought it was just exhaustion and over-exertion after a very intense week with a lot of travel and late nights but then I developed a sore throat so I took a test straight away. I don’t love the sensations involved with taking a test – I’m pretty used to them at this point – but then the first test came back void and I had to do it all again; I was not impressed by that and neither were my sore throat and sinuses. It was, of course, worth it: I was negative and while I still had to be careful – I was still sick after all – I was relieved that it wasn’t anything as serious as COVID.
10. Out The Window
Okay, I’m cheating a bit because I didn’t take this photo on the tenth but it is honestly the greatest thing I’ve ever seen outside of my house. How could I not share it?! Not only is the name hilarious for a waste clearance company, but the tag followed by the phone numbers is so fucking funny. Apparently The Lord of the Rings franchise have sent them cease and desist letters and they’re now in litigation: they have to change the colour if they want to keep everything else. That seems ridiculously petty – and pretty pathetic, lacking all sense of humour – for such a wealthy franchise. I’m glad they’re getting to keep everything but the colour because it genuinely made my day.
12. Your Choice!
We had our first evening at puppy school! We met some gorgeous puppies (I’m pretty sure Izzy is still the smallest though) and learned some basic skills, including settling on a blanket, recall training, and the beginnings of walking on a lead. Izzy was picking it up very quickly but she was definitely ready to go home at the end: concentrating for that long was understandably hard for a young puppy and she was quite clearly getting overwhelmed by all of the other dogs. She’s really good at meeting new people but meeting dogs makes her anxious, which doesn’t really surprise me since almost all of them are bigger than her. Anyway, she did well and we have some exercises to practice before next week’s class.
15. A Hug
That day I was working at home, alone, all day so there was no one to hug. Well, no people. Izzy was very snuggly and, as afternoon turned into evening, she climbed on top of me – while I was sitting at my laptop – and curled up on my shoulder. I ended up sliding down to accommodate her and she fell asleep like that. It was so cute that I couldn’t help myself: I stopped working and just stroked her, almost drifting off myself.
17. Your Choice!
I had a session with Richard – Richard Marc, one of my best friends and favourite cowriters, as well as my producer – and we worked on some of the songs for my next project. I’m so excited about it and so keen to get it out in the world; I’m trying my hardest not to let my passion for it burn me out before that point BUT I’M JUST SO EXCITED.
18. Comfy
I feel so lucky that Izzy and I have such a strong, close bond and that she wants to spend so much time as close to me as possible. It’s so cute and I always feel better for it. An extra joy of it is that I catch every adorable or ridiculous position that she adopts, like this snuggle with her toy elephant, Nellie.
21. Preparation
While I love the flexibility of my bullet journal – how I can customise it to exactly what I want or need – drawing it out every month can get a bit tedious. And it doesn’t help that Izzy keeps stealing my pens and then chewing them to death. But it can be quite meditative, if I haven’t left it to the absolute last minute that is.
23. Thankful
The night before, I played a set at a local gig and I had such a good time. As anxious as I can get beforehand and despite how much pain I tend to find myself in afterwards, I love performing so much. I love playing the songs I’ve written – songs that I love so deeply – and sharing them with new people. And it’s so special when people reach out to tell me why they connect to them. Even though I often struggle with not being further along the path than I am, I’m so thankful that I get to do this at all. There’s nothing I love more.
24. Family
Given that my actual family is somewhat scattered at the moment, I thought I’d post about my cats, my gorgeous family of cats. I haven’t seen as much of them as usual because all but Lucy are keeping their distance, still wary of Izzy; Lucy isn’t phased but then she has already bent Izzy to her will. The others are getting bolder but it’s a slow process. At this time of year, they’d usually be draped around the living room so I am really missing them, just having them around. So this little moment with all of them was very nice.
25. Sleep
God, I’ve been so tired this month. I’ve been falling asleep constantly, regardless of where I’m sitting or what I’m doing (now if only I could sleep properly at night). And Izzy, the little sweetheart that she is, is always desperate to snuggle up, to get as close as possible. Hence these pictures. And while they’re very cute, she does actually help me sleep; soft and warm and breathing steadily, she’s better than any weighted blanket.
26. Self Care
While going to the pool for a swim and my hydrotherapy exercises is good for my body, it’s also really good for my mental state. I know that a big part of that will be due to the endorphins from the exercise but I do think that there’s more to it: I’ve always loved the feeling of being in the water but it’s also such a relief to be able to move around without pain, something that just feels so glorious and freeing. I think there’s also some self esteem stuff going on, being able to exercise and get stronger after feeling so physically incapable and broken. But now I’m actually getting fitter and stronger, which I feared I would never be able to do without serious discomfort, pain, and distress. So the pool represents a lot of things to me and swimming really lifts my mood.
27. Weather
We’ve had some amazing weather recently, from glorious sunshine to torrential rain. I’ve seen multiple rainbows and several beautiful sunsets. It’s been a stunning November. This was my second favourite sunset, recently at least.
30. Self Care
While spending time with my cats is always good for my soul, it’s particularly special right now: the cats have – unsurprisingly – been avoiding the whirlwind that is Izzy and, since she’s usually with me, I haven’t been seeing them much. Not to snuggle with, at least. But they are getting braver and although Lucy doesn’t take any shit from her, she’s reluctant to get close enough to me to cuddle if Izzy’s around. But there have been a couple of occasions recently – when Izzy has been hanging out with Mum – where Lucy has taken advantage of the moment and curled up with me, which have just been gorgeous. Running my hands through her fur and listening to her purring, I can feel an internal meter filling up.
* Bonus: In The Distance
Up in London, I was walking back along the Southbank and everything was lit up and beautiful. The London Eye usually is, as far as I know but the lights in the trees and between buildings were stunning and there’s different pieces of art and installations everywhere. I love it.
As well as the lights in these pictures, there was a strip of rainbow neon along the bridge and there were lights spelling out ‘PROUD’ underneath, visible to boats and people walking by. I tried to get a picture but I couldn’t get anything unobstructed by various parts of the bridge.
Unsurprisingly, this month’s photos feature Izzy heavily: between all of the time I’ve spent writing, sitting at my laptop with Izzy curled up against me, and the fact that she’s still very young and thus needs a lot of supervision, she’s been a very obvious subject for my photos. I also haven’t done much outside my normal routine this month – having had so much work to do and having felt so tired and burned out – so there haven’t been many exciting opportunities for new and interesting pictures. But, as I said, I tried my best and hopefully the adorable puppy pictures make up for the lack of variation…
World Mental Health Day 2023
Posted on October 10, 2023
If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know that I find awareness days, like World Mental Health Awareness Day and Mental Health Awareness Week, really hard. I find it really frustrating to watch so many people – businesses, celebrities, every man and his dog, etc – jump on the #MentalHealthAwareness bandwagon just to show that they really do care about mental health, to prove that they are socially engaged and empathetic (before reverting to their previous routine of never discussing the subject). I have absolutely no problem with people not making it their primary social cause; I do have a problem with people trying to claim social credit by talking about it for one day a year.
I also struggle with the consistently vague annual themes that many charities and organisations stand behind. This year, the World Federation for Mental Health announced that their theme for 2023 is ‘mental health is a universal right,’ to which my immediate reaction was, ‘No shit.’ What is that supposed to mean? That everyone deserves to have good mental health? That everyone should have access to mental health support? Isn’t this blatantly obvious? The problem is that we’re stuck with outdated medical education, out of touch care providers, no support services, and no money to fix any of it. So how does this vague statement help? What does it change? We need more. We need better. We need support and education and resources. We need a government that cares about the people it serves, that cares about the wellbeing of the people it serves. But instead, we have a group of entitled, morally-bankrupt, evil narcissists who only care about money and power.
I’m sick of feeling so angry and I’m sick of feeling so powerless. I doubt there’s anything that can truly change that, aside from massive institutional change. But it doesn’t seem like that’s coming from the government any time soon so I’m trying to channel my focus and my energy and my feelings into doing what I can as an individual. The proceeds from my single, ‘Invisible,’ go to YoungMinds of course but that’s in place and I want to do more. I want to do everything I can. So, this year, I decided to raise money for Mind (Charity Number: 219830) by swimming 5km. Because of my hEDS, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to swim more than a kilometre at a time without potentially aggravating my chronic fatigue and chronic pain so I planned to do the 5km over a series of nights, completing the 5km in time for World Mental Health Day on the 10th October. There’s a nagging voice in my head that keeps snarkily pointing out that I should’ve been doing this for years but I know logically that I couldn’t even have done it last year because of both my physical and mental health. So I’m trying not to beat myself up for not doing it sooner. I’m doing it now.
I really had no idea what to expect in terms of raising so I set it at £150. That seemed doable since most of my friends are still struggling financially post university and we are all in a cost of living crisis. While this also affects the more financially established people in my life, I knew that there were people who were more able to help me achieve this. That, I think, is a big part of why I didn’t set a super ambitious target; the cost of living crisis is hitting everyone hard (apart from the incredibly wealthy Tory politicians, it seems) so I felt that raising any money at all was an achievement; I was deeply appreciative of every donation, whatever the amount. I figured out the details and set up my JustGiving page:
“For World Mental Health Day 2023, I will be swimming 5km in aid of Mind (charity number: 219830), a charity that supports those struggling with their mental health. As a person with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome who suffers from chronic pain and chronic fatigue, I will be swimming this distance over a week in order to avoid worsening these conditions. It has taken me over a year to reach this point, where I am physically fit and healthy enough to do this, and I want to celebrate this and honour World Mental Health Day by challenging myself with this swim and raising money to support a charity that helps those who are struggling with issues that I have struggled with myself.
I know that times are really tough and that we are all affected by the cost of living crisis but even a few pounds can make a difference. If you can’t afford to donate, please help me to reach more people by sharing this page on your social media.
Thank you for reading this post and for whatever help you can manage. I truly and deeply appreciate it.“
And then it was time to swim the thing!
SWIM 1
The first swim was at the longer, lane swimming pool that I go to, which meant swimming fifty lengths to achieve the first of the five kilometres. I had, in typical fashion, slipped off an uneven curb earlier in the day (right before my first ever sponsored 5k ever, of course); fortunately I was fine, if a little sore, because I wasn’t changing the plan for anything. I’d swum the distance a few times already and found it a challenge but a doable one; I expected the same for each of the five nights. But it was surprisingly smooth-going. I was tired at the end, my muscles a bit shaky, but I was excited and energised by it; I couldn’t wait to do the rest of them.
SWIM 2
For the second swim, I was in the smaller pool, the one that’s more suited to and where I usually do my hydrotherapy exercises. It’s short – only 8.5m – so the amount of times you have to turn in order to swim a kilometre can get a bit tedious but it’s a beautiful little pool. This kilometre was harder. Given that it was the second of two nights swimming a kilometre, I was tired before I started and my arm and leg were actually more painful than the night before, presumably because I hadn’t been able to rest them post fall. So it was a bit of a struggle but I made it! Two down, three to go!
SWIM 3
I had a night off and then I was swimming again, another kilometre in the small pool. Having had a break and some time to rest my sore arm and leg, I felt better and stronger in the face of the swim and, unsurprisingly, it was easier than both I’d done so far. That said, I was exhausted by the time I was done and fell asleep on the sofa when I got home. My body definitely isn’t used to this. But it was very exciting to have passed the halfway point! And I was at almost £500 with my fundraising when I hadn’t even expected to break £200!
SWIM 4
For the fourth of the five kilometres, I was back in the long pool. Despite having a few days off, this one felt really hard: it wasn’t that the lengths felt longer but more that my arms and legs were heavy and tired and it took more effort to pull myself through the water. I think I got tired faster too. But I managed it, even if only just in time before I had to get out of the pool. Four kilometres in a week! Even though I was exhausted with another kilometre to go, I still felt energised and excited about going to the pool. And so motivated to finish the 5k.
SWIM 5
Because I’m me and apparently really can’t go a week without falling over, tripping on something, or colliding with a door frame, I managed to trip in the street on my way back from the pool the night before (because I was so tired, I think). I twisted my ankle and landed on my knee and although I hadn’t done any serious damage – thank goodness – I did go into the last kilometre feeling sore and a little wobbly. But I was so excited to do it, both to complete the challenge and fulfil the promise I’d made to Mind and to all of the wonderful people who’d donated. I was so proud to be earning that money, the total having reached £500 that morning!
1km later and I’d done it! 5km! It felt so good. It hadn’t felt as hard as the night before either, maybe because I was back in the groove, maybe because I was so close to achieving the goal and was therefore more motivated and noticed my fatigue less. Whatever, it was done and I didn’t feel too exhausted to actually get out of the pool. The lifeguard was really nice about it when we realised we confused the time of our slot and even donated before we left!
By the end of the day, with the swim completed, the total donation sat at £510. I was very, very proud of that, having never thought I’d reach such a number. And I was really proud of myself: I’d done it. I’d completed the challenge I’d set for myself. I’d swum 5km when, just several months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to swim half that. It’s a big milestone in terms of my fitness.
It’s been a really positive experience, even if – at times – I was tired or sore or anxious that I wouldn’t raise the money. So much work has gone into the week, into these five kilometres; it’s taken so much time and effort to get physically healthy and fit enough (plus in a healthy enough mental state) to do this. I’m really, really proud of myself for getting to this point and I’m really, really proud of completing the 5k; I can’t think of a better way to celebrate all of that than by challenging myself with this swim and raising money to support a charity as important as Mind.
There is still time to donate – the page is here – but at the time of posting this blog, the total raised is £620. That is so incredible to me and I’m so moved by the generosity of human beings and their desire to support each other. Thank you so much to everyone who has donated and to those who weren’t able to but shared the link, helping this fundraiser to reach a wider audience. While I’m sure there are many, many things that this money can go towards, these are some of the ways that the money we’ve raised together will help people…
As I said, I’ve been struggling with awareness days like this one for the last several years, feeling powerless and frustrated. But this year has been different and that’s because of this fundraising challenge. Not only am I proud of completing the physical challenge and blowing the fundraising target out of the water (that pun was originally accidental but it’s too funny to me to take out), I feel like I’ve made a difference. It might be a small one in the grand scheme of things but it’ll be no small thing to the individual(s) Mind is able to help because of this donation. So, with that in mind, Happy World Health Awareness Day. We made a difference.
I Rediscovered Swimming
Posted on November 3, 2018
One of the most common pieces of advice with anything mental health or mental illness related is to exercise. And while that’s not bad advice, it’s not necessarily good advice in the practical sense. It’s about as helpful as saying, ‘eat healthy’ or ‘get enough sleep.’ It’s something that has to be tailored to you. Specific types of exercise will help where others may make you feel worse. So you need to find the one for you.
For example, I hate running. I would love to love it but I hate it. I find it at best uncomfortable and at worst painful: it’s like my bones are rattling inside my body. I’ve heard this from others with Autism but I don’t know if it’s specific to that or whether it’s a coincidence. But anyway, running is not the thing for me. Swimming however…
I have always loved to swim. I love the feeling of moving through water and when I was a kid, I loved the silence that comes from being underwater. I would’ve given anything to be able to breathe underwater so that I could stay in that silence. That’s pretty ironic given that I would grow up to develop anxiety that is triggered by a lack of noise and distraction.
I got back into swimming a couple of months ago. At the beginning, my anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t even swim: the lack of stimulation for my brain meant that I just spiralled and my anxiety became completely overwhelming. So me and my Mum would walk and talk, planning the day or talking through whatever thing was on my mind that morning. Eventually my anxiety mutated into a different state and I was able to swim. It’s had such an impact on my life so I really wanted to write about it.
Swimming pools have the potential to be very difficult for me, from a sensory perspective. When it’s busy, the sound bounces around and around, making it one big fog of noise, which makes me very anxious. And the fact that I’m so short sighted I can barely see without my glasses makes that anxiety even worse: I can’t see anything and the sound feels like it’s coming from everywhere and that causes me paralyzing anxiety. It’s how I imagine it would feel to be on a carousel but if the carousel was going at ten times the normal speed. It’s scary. The best times to get in a quiet swim seem to be first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I’ve been sticking to the morning; it makes for a more productive day for me.
Knowing that this is the time that allows for the best swimming experience, I’ve been getting up early and getting to the gym for about seven forty five (sometimes I even get the pool to myself, which is glorious). And knowing that I have to get up that early, I’m going to bed at a sensible time, rather than accidentally staying up until three in the morning. So a routine sort of formed by accident and that has been so good for me. My relationship with sleep has never been so good.
Exercise has always been difficult for me given my historic struggle with energy but also because ‘weight bearing’ exercise often feels very jarring. As I’ve already said, it makes me feel like my bones are rattling inside my body and each impact makes it worse. Sometimes it’s not that bad and I can be distracted by whatever I’m doing but sometimes it can actually be painful. So swimming is perfect. It takes that whole aspect out of the equation and makes exercise actually enjoyable. It reminds me of my arthritic dog: he goes for hydrotherapy and as soon as he’s in the water, chasing tennis balls, he’s like a puppy again. He loves it and I can totally relate.
The best thing about swimming is that it’s something that makes sense and that’s something I really need at the moment. The world feels hard and unfair and this is something that I can control. The more I swim, the stronger I get. I can see the results. I’ve been swimming most days for the last three months and I see my own progress: I’m swimming further; I’m swimming faster; I can see my body changing. It makes sense. That grounds me.
The one thing I do have to be careful of is my tendency to obsess: about the number of laps, getting to the next ten, getting to a hundred… Once it’s in my head that I ‘have’ to get to a particular number, there’s not much I can do to change my own mind and it causes me serious anxiety if I don’t reach the number I’ve ‘decided on.’ So I have to be aware of that. Sometimes I can avoid it by distracting myself or by deciding on exactly how long I’m going to spend in the pool but sometimes I just have to manage it. Sometimes that’s all you can do.
But overall, rediscovering swimming has been one of the major highlights of this year. It’s helped my physical health and my mental health, as well as my day to day life. So I feel very grateful to have found it again.
And since I can’t take my phone into the pool with me, here’s a photo of my dog, enjoying his fortnightly swim.
Finding Hope 