Posted on October 31, 2021
Not long after I learned that October is ADHD Awareness Month, I saw this challenge on Twitter and you know me, I love a good challenge.
I thought it would be annoying to post something every day, especially since I knew just from looking at the prompts that there would be days when I didn’t have much to say, so I decided to do the month as one self-contained post. Having ADHD and everything that comes with that… it’s all still relatively new and I’m still trying to figure it all out, especially considering the crossover with autistic traits. I thought that, maybe, this might help with gaining a better understanding of ADHD and how it affects me individually.
So, here we go…
Day 1 – Introduction
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you may know some of this stuff already so bear with me…
My name is Lauren Alex Hooper and I’m a twenty seven year old woman (I use she/her pronouns), although I’m not really sure how I identify in terms of gender and sexuality; up to now, all of my energy has been spent on figuring out and managing my health so there hasn’t really been the time to explore that area of my identity. Between the ages of twenty and twenty six, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) (Inattentive Type), Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), Postural Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). These conditions all affect me daily and I live with both chronic pain and chronic fatigue, believed to be due to my hEDS. Given the often overwhelming challenges that these all present, I’m still living at home with my Mum and our family of five cats (made up of three generations). Two of my other parents live nearby, with my fourth parent in London. My younger sibling, Charlie – who is an amazing artist of many disciplines – is also based there.
In roughly the same time period, I completed a BA and an MA in Songwriting, my biggest and most enduring special interest. In 2018, I released my debut single, ‘Invisible,’ a song that documents my struggle to be seen and heard as I tried to get help for my mental health and ASD; I’m incredibly proud of that song and all of the proceeds go to YoungMinds, a charity supporting young people with their mental health. Then, in 2019, I began the release cycle of my debut EP, Honest, which was completed in late 2020 (delayed somewhat by the pandemic). The EP is a collection of my experiences with mental health, centered around the idea that things only really got better when I started being open and honest about what I was going through. As of October 2021, this little, self released EP that was made in various bedrooms has reached over 120,000 streams with a limited run of physical copies on sale at Resident Music, THE independent music shop in Brighton (UK), where I live. It’s been an absolute rollercoaster but I’m really proud of it and all it’s achieved. And now, with that era all but wrapped up and my Masters done, I’m working on several new projects, including an album about my experiences as an autistic woman.
Day 2 – What I love about being an ADHDer is…
Given the overlap between Autism and ADHD, I’m not entirely sure where which traits come from, if it’s possible to really separate them. I’ve done some research and it seems that there’s too much overlap to truly say that one trait belongs to one and not the other but the following things are what seem to commonly come up in relation to the positives/strengths of ADHD…
I have to say I’m not wild about the term ‘ADHDer.’ It feels very clumsy. It also feels a bit like something I actively participate in, like I chose it, like I’m saying, “I’m a runner,” or “I’m a painter.” I don’t know; I’m not convinced by it as an identifier.
Day 3 – My Identification/Discovery Story
I was being assessed for hypermobility (and was subsequently diagnosed with hEDS) and at the end of the session, it came up in conversation that I was thinking about getting tested for ADHD (I’d been researching the ways I’d been struggling and ADHD had come up as a possibility, which I know often occurs alongside Autism) and the consultant said that she was qualified to do that so we could schedule an assessment if I wanted to. So we did and a few months later, I was diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD.
Day 4 – Reactions to Identification
Since this is just another step on my journey of trying to make sense of myself and why I struggle the way I do, I haven’t really felt the need to make an announcement or anything like that. I told my family and friends, of course, and I’ve brought it up when necessary, like when trying to get accommodations at uni, but otherwise it hasn’t been been a huge thing, not like discovering I was autistic was. So everyone’s just kind of taken it in stride, adding it to their picture of me – those who know about it anyway.
Day 5 – Hobby Graveyard
I’ve never really thought of moving on to a new hobby as leaving them in a ‘hobby graveyard.’ I’ve always felt like it was more that I was prioritising certain stuff or that I was just finding my way to more ‘suitable’ hobbies. Technically, yes, I have multiple hobbies that I’ve stopped doing but rarely because I got bored of them and more because I evolved away from them. But here are some of my past hobbies…
That’s all I can think of off the top of my head. I still love most of these things but I just can’t physically do all of these hobbies: I don’t have the time, they’re expensive, and there are other things I love doing more. But hopefully I can come back to them one day in some way or another.
Day 6 – Supports and Appreciation
I am super lucky to have a lot of great people in my corner. I have a wonderful, close-knit family who have all been deeply supportive; not only have they all been great in general but they’ve all been so incredibly helpful in different areas of my life over the years. I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am, especially to my Mum. She has been a hundred percent with me every step of the way and she’s just been a force of nature in the pursuit of getting people to listen to and help me. And not just that, she supports me every day, helps me to manage just being alive, just being a person in this difficult, inflexible society. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Oh, and there are also my cats who, while they have absolutely no idea about any of this I’m sure, help maintain some level of calm in all the chaos.
I’m also very lucky to have some really great friends. They’ve never been weird about all of my diagnoses, only ever respectfully curious about the parts they don’t know much about. And I’m always open to questions. Once, while in conversation with a friend, I said that I was always happy to answer questions and in reply, she said that all she needed to do to understand me was listen to my songs. I probably looked like a deer in headlights. I mean, that’s what I try to do with my songs but to hear her say it so plainly kind of took my breath away. My friends are really sweet about supporting me and accommodating the issues that make my life hard, that make spending time together hard. I appreciate it so much; a lot of these things that I struggle with make maintaining friendships (from both sides) really hard and it means so much to me that my friends have stuck with me.
And although I’ve had some really supportive tutors over the years, I only recently had a neurodivergent tutor for the first time and it was amazing. It’s like we spoke the same language and she was able to translate this confusing academic world into ideas and words that I understood. I got so much out of my course and out of the work I was doing in the time she was my supervisor; it was pretty amazing to work with the guidance of someone who has a real understanding (and also appreciation as well) of how differently my brain works. And considering how well I did in the module, I think that shows just how well a neurodivergent person can do when they’re understood and supported.
Day 7 – The ADHDer Community
I haven’t really found ‘the community’ yet. After my ASD diagnosis, it was about three years before I sought out any kind of community; I had to figure out what being autistic meant to me first before I could engage further, if that makes sense. So I wouldn’t be surprised if it takes me a while to feel ready to reach out but then maybe it will be quicker this time since I’ve already gone through a similar process. I’m part of multiple Facebook groups relating to Autism, one of which is for women with Autism and ADHD, and I’ve enjoyed those interactions a lot so far. I also have a friend who’s going through the ADHD diagnostic process at the moment so it’s nice to be able to share those experiences with someone I already know since I didn’t go through it that long ago.
Day 8 – Favourite ADHDer Blogs/Comics
I have to say, I haven’t really found any ADHD blogs or comics that really speak to me yet. But I also haven’t been looking in any kind of dedicated way. I’m still making sense of this diagnosis, still trying to manage the struggles, and still trying to get help for it. That’s my main focus at the moment.
Day 9 – Favourite ADHD Owned Business
With Christmas not that far away, I have been looking for present ideas and I do like to buy from independent shops when I can. I’ve found a few autistic owned shops but as of yet, I haven’t found any ADHD owned shops yet. But I’m still looking.
Day 10 – Sensory Seeking/Aversion
I’m generally a sensory-seeking person but they’re very specific sensory experiences that I crave. I love colour and I love lights, especially colourful lights (as long as they’re not in my eyes or face). I love glittery things and shiny things. I also love patterns: smooth curves and crystalline angles. I love the patterns in nature, like the symmetrical patterns in the petals of flowers (Dahlias and Gerberas, for example). They just make my eyes feel good and looking at them relaxes me.
Sound is a bit more complicated (volume can be a real issue for me, especially when I’m stressed) but as a musician, I love the details and nuances in music and in sound. I could talk about music for hours but for this, I think I’ll stick to just distinct sounds. I love the sound of thunder, of heavy rain, the rustle of leaves as you walk through them, snow or frost crunching under foot, the crackle of a fire, the sound of typing. I find all of those sounds so soothing. But then there are also noises that really upset me, that can send me into a meltdown even. Metallic sounds, voices low enough that I can’t quite make out what they’re saying, babies crying, sudden loud noises like fireworks or sirens, shouting or raised voices, mechanical sounds (like buzzing or humming, or that high pitched tone/whine)… they all, at the very least, get the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. Oh, and snoring.
Smell is a really tough one for me. The smells I like, I love: most fruits, especially satsumas; the beach and the sea; forests, pine, cut grass; wood fires and the smell in the air after fireworks (a tough one when the sound of fireworks can cause me to have a meltdown). But the smells I don’t like have me scrambling to get as far from them as possible so that I don’t throw up: metallic, rotten, sickly sweet smells and the way they catch in your throat and leave you choking on them. I’m sure there are more, and more specific ones, but that’s all I can think of right now and it’s not exactly the most enjoyable thing to think about.
Taste is another difficult one, given that food is a complete minefield for me. I crave sweet tastes a lot, especially artificially sweet tastes (although I read recently that that is common in unmedicated ADHD), and I like salty things but anything more complicated than that is unpleasant and overwhelming. Even the lowest point on the spice meter is too spicy for me. (And the texture of food is a whole other issue…)
I’m also super sensitive to what I’m touching. There are sensations that I love, like frost or snow crunching under foot, feeling loud music in your body at a concert, fabrics like velvet, the sensation of being in water, the weightlessness of being in water, how your fingers feel against ice, my cats’ fur, my lovely old dog’s ears, and so on. And there are sensations that I hate, that I can’t bear feeling, that I have to wash off in order to think clearly (and sometimes even that isn’t enough): touching something sticky, clammy, metallic, oily or greasy, slimy, powdery or dusty. They make me shudder just thinking about them.
I’m sure I could talk more about sensory stuff but I think I’ll save it for another day or this post is going to get even longer than it’s already bound to be.
Day 11 – Fidgets and Stims
I go through phases with fidget toys: one will satisfy me for a while and then, out of nowhere, it stops doing whatever it is that helps and I move onto another one. Hence why I have a box of them so I can quickly and easily choose a different one. I’m currently fiddling with two: I tend to play with my tangle one-handed (especially when I’m trying to sleep) and I’m also wearing (or at least trying to remember to wear) a necklace made out of a shoelace with a hairband attached. I’m pretty sure my hair-pulling is how I stim but I really don’t want to be pulling my hair out so I’m trying to redirect the urge; this little set up is as close as I can get to the motion of hair pulling and hoping I can move from hair pulling to that and then a movement that doesn’t put so much repetitive strain on my elbow and shoulder.
From left to right, top to bottom: black tangle, black fidget pad, black fidget cube, two sensory glitter tubes, homemade stimming necklace, three blue magnetic spinning rings, silver elephant spinning ring.
Day 12 – Favourite ADHD Charity
I have yet to go looking for ADHD charities, to be honest. I just haven’t had the headspace but there are a few, local ones especially, that I’d like to investigate further when I feel like I can properly commit to it.
Day 13 – Family
I’ve already talked quite a bit about my family, back in the ‘Supports and Appreciation’ prompt. I have four fantastic parents; then there’s my Dad who died when I was 13. I don’t know much (don’t know enough) about him. Finding out who he was and what he was like is an ongoing project. I also have a younger sibling; we were super close as kids and although we’re not as close now, that’s simply as a result of growing up and building our own lives. We still have a great time whenever we can get together. Due to my various disabilities, I live at home with my Mum and our family of cats. I love them all so much and I’m so proud to call them my family.
Day 14 – Order from Chaos
I feel like I’m more mentally chaotic than physically; I’m not the most organised person in the world but I manage pretty well, particularly with help from my Mum. But my thoughts are another matter. Sometimes my thoughts move so fast that I can’t keep hold of them long enough even to figure out what they are; I find those times really scary. Trying to find something to hold on to in the chaos is hard and it’s easy to feel untethered and panicked. Fortunately it isn’t like that all of the time though. I still feel like I have an overwhelming amount of stuff in my head that I’m constantly sorting through.
Day 15 – Everyone Should Know
It’s not that we’re not trying. We are trying. We’re trying so hard. A big part of ADHD is struggling with executive function, mental skills that help us with organisation, planning, start, stay focussed on, and finish tasks, among other things. What some people assume is laziness or lack of care, is actually difficulty with executive function and struggling with these skills can cause those with ADHD great distress. Being told to ‘try harder’ when you’re already trying so hard is not just frustrating but makes you doubt yourself, wonder whether you actually are lazy. This should never be the case. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder (the debate about whether neurodiversity should involve words like disorder or deficit is ongoing and important but too big to get into here); it’s a medical condition. Difficulties with executive function are ‘part of our wiring.’ That’s not to say that it’s fixed, but telling someone to ‘just try harder’ or ‘just focus more’ when their brain doesn’t respond to that kind of motivation is unhelpful and unkind. They’ve probably already thought of that, you know?
Day 16 – Work/School
Education has been a mixed experience for me. I’ve always been incredibly shy and I struggled socially although no one really realised the extent of it, myself included: I learned to mask very well very quickly, long before I knew what masking was, long before I even knew I was doing it. And being a huge perfectionist, I felt a lot of pressure and anxiety around my grades, sometimes to the point where I made myself unwell. Having said that, I’ve achieved some great things academically and while I’ve never had masses of friends, I get on well with people and have a group of close friends that I absolutely adore. So, yeah, it’s been very mixed.
I think it’s fair to say that the undiagnosed ASD and ADHD clearly contributed to the difficulties I’ve had throughout my time in education, which is most of my life really. And I don’t think it helped that I missed the first two and a half years of secondary school (a period of illness that was half-heartedly diagnosed as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, diagnosed formally in retrospect, and now it may be that it was due to the hEDS – I’m really not sure what to think now), putting me at a disadvantage academically and socially. But what was probably a combination of natural ability, my terrible fear of getting in trouble, and my perfectionism meant that I did relatively well in secondary school. Sixth form and my A Levels were mostly dominated by the strengthening symptoms of my anxiety and depression: I did well in the subjects that I loved but otherwise I struggled. I couldn’t get information to stay in my brain, I couldn’t understand certain concepts as hard as I tried, I felt like I was running an endless obstacle course that only seemed to get harder, and I was constantly exhausted. It all kind of spiralled and I barely managed my exams. I tried to resit several of them the next year but my mental health was so poor (plus whatever was going on with the undiagnosed ASD and ADHD) that I didn’t do any better. Fortunately though, I did have the grades I needed to pursue my BA in songwriting so it all worked out in the end.
University was, obviously, very different from secondary school and sixth form but I didn’t exactly get the same experience as most of my peers. Because of the challenges I live with (my mental health problems weren’t diagnosed until the January of my first year and my ASD wasn’t diagnosed until the summer break between first and second year), I lived at home and commuted to London for university, staying with family when I had two of more days of classes in a row. It was necessary but hard; I was so tired all the time (I was actually taking naps on the sofas at uni at certain points) and it didn’t help the feeling of separate-ness, being so far away and unable to join the spontaneous meet ups and so on. And again, the classes I loved, I absolutely loved but when it came to the classes I didn’t enjoy or found difficult, I really struggled – I still don’t feel like I have a good grasp of music theory (not that I’ve given up). It felt like there were just some things I couldn’t learn, like my brain just wasn’t capable of processing the information (something I’m working on, especially after learning more about ADHD and hearing similar stories from others). And although it wasn’t a constant feeling, I struggled with feeling invisible and feeling like I was never going to be good enough to do the one thing I wanted to do: write and release songs. As amazing as it was to study my very favourite thing and therefore spend most of my time doing it, doing it surrounded by other people who all want the same thing was really challenging at times: you’re constantly exposed to new, amazing music and as cool as that is, if you’re doubting yourself even the slightest bit, that can just make the feeling ten times worse. It’s easy to slip into comparing yourself and seeing all of the ways in which you aren’t as good as this person or that person. So, yes, it was an amazing experience but it was incredibly hard.
The MA was a very different experience (apart from, you know, doing most of it in a global pandemic). The pandemic definitely played a big part: my anxiety was so high, I felt completely overwhelmed by everything that was going on in the world, and I was adjusting to a whole new way of learning (and cowriting). I’m sure those things affected my ability to take in, process, and use new information. I loved the practical part, the constant writing of songs and constant cowriting; I loved that and I feel like I did a lot of my best work so far. But the modules that included extended research and essay writing were a struggle: I found it incredibly difficult to focus on the research I was reading, to digest it enough to pull out the useful information, and then construct the essays themselves. In the first year, my Mum sat with me for hours and hours, helping me to collect all of the relevant information and painstakingly put it together. In the second year, for the final project, I had an excellent supervisor (who is also neurodivergent and therefore had a personal as well as professional understanding of how I’d potentially need to approach things differently), which made a huge difference. I did still struggle though. Staying focussed, attempting to keep my attention from wandering, pulling together all of the information (it was a lot: four-ish months of work that had to be condensed into an hour’s presentation)… it took every drop of energy I had. I was concentrating through sheer force of will and when it was all finally over, I was beyond exhausted.
While I’ve pretty much considered myself a student up to this point, I guess I am self employed: I am dedicated to being a singersongwriter and even though I love it and it started out as a hobby, it’s now my job and one that I want to spend my whole life doing. I’m dedicated to making that happen but it’s freaking hard work sometimes and there are a lot of challenges. I love the creative side and those related decisions often feel very easy, almost instinctive, but the logistical, business, marketing side is really hard for me. For some reason, I find those decisions and tasks much more likely to overwhelm me and money-related tasks are particularly stressful for me (something I’ve seen other people with ADHD talk about). I’ve had some really great help with this up until now and I’m so grateful for that but I would love – so much – to find a way to make this stuff less challenging. So often the level of stress in response to these tasks isn’t proportional and I have to believe that it doesn’t have to be this hard. Now that I’m not studying (although I still have a lot to do), I’m hopeful that I can dedicate some time to this. And I’m cautiously hopeful that the ADHD meds I should be starting in a few weeks will improve things too. As I said, I’m committed to making this happen so I’m doing my best and I have some good people in my corner to support me.
This one has gotten very long so I’ll stop there, I think.
Day 17 – ADHD People I Admire
Kalie Shorr – I’ve been a fan of Kalie’s for years – she’s a fantastic songwriter and performer, she’s super creative, she’s incredibly hardworking, she’s hilarious, she’s a really lovely and genuine person, and she uses her voice for the things that she’s passionate about (always in creative and interesting ways that emphasise her words, of course) – and then, earlier this year, she made a podcast episode about how she’d been diagnosed with ADHD and what she’d learned about herself and certain past experiences in the light of the diagnosis. She described experiences that I really relate to and her positive experience with medication (which she’s been documenting on Twitter – often hilariously, as is her way) has helped me in my own ADHD journey. And as someone who is pursuing the same career path as am I (and is doing so very successfully), it gives me hope that my ADHD isn’t something that will make this path impossible. It might not be easy but it’s not impossible and I’m really grateful to have someone (and someone I think so highly of) remind me of that at this moment in time. (I love this quote from a recent interview: “That’s why I love co-writing as well, I actually think it has a lot to do with… because I love writing by myself and I’ve written some great songs by myself. It’s not that I can’t, it’s that I love the process of co-writing. I think it’s because I have ADHD with the massive dopamine deficiency. The immediate feedback you get when you put out a good line and the people in the room freak out over it, that feels so much better than when I write a good line in a song I wrote by myself and I’m like ‘I think this is good, but I’d rather wait for someone else to tell me that it’s good.’ I get so energized by all these tiny pings about writing a song, and then you get the big hit of dopamine.”)
Emma Watson – I’m somewhat hesitant to include Emma Watson since she hasn’t spoken personally about having ADHD but the information is out there so, if it’s true, I would have to include her in this list. Growing up with Harry Potter, with the characters and the cast, she was always someone I looked up to and I remember an interview where she talked about how her Dad really didn’t have the money to send her to the school he did and how her birthday presents were her uniform and her school supplies and how she worked hard every day (finishing with nine A*s!) because she wanted to make him proud, to show him how much she appreciated it. Of course I’ll probably never be able to completely detach her from Hermione (as I’m sure is the same for many people and probably for her too), it’s been very cool to watch her grow and experiment with different roles and engage in important social issues (I think a good example is this video interview where she talks about finding the constructive criticism in social media, educating herself and broadening her understanding of feminism, the need for the education system in the UK to revise and improve the teaching around Britain’s involvement in foreign affairs (including how the country profited from slavery), transgender issues, and more) while still remaining a very normal, relatable person. She’s achieved so much, she’s pushed her own limits and challenged her comfort zone, and she’s trying to use what she has to make a positive change in the world (despite feeling like she’s still figuring herself and her life out) alongside the challenges of living with ADHD, whatever they are for her, and I find that really inspiring. (x) (x)
Simone Biles – I think it probably goes without saying that Simone Biles’ talent, skill, and incredible work ethic is enough to consider her a person worth admiring. But she’s also repeatedly shown such incredible emotional strength in very difficult circumstances (this year’s Olympics being the most recent example) and has handled them so thoughtfully and gracefully. At the Olympics, even with so many people criticising her for even considering it (and then for doing it), she put her mental health first and stood by that decision. No doubt she made that choice for herself but by making it and talking about it publicly (and talking about it unapologetically, without any shame), she sent such a powerful message that meant so much to so many people, that sometimes you have to prioritise your mental health regardless of the situation and that that is okay. It’s something even the most self aware of us struggle with, even if we understand why we should to do it; it’s a vicious cycle that, often when you’re struggling mentally, it becomes even harder to remember and/or accept that. Seeing someone actually do it, do it under immense pressure, and continue to stand by it after the fact is very powerful and hopefully it will help a lot of people to remember that it is possible, that the world won’t end if they need to stop and take a break from everything. So I can only admire and respect her strength and her willingness to share her experiences because there’s no knowing how many people she’s helping. (x)
I’m sure there are more people I could add to this list but these three are all I can think of at the moment.
Day 18 – Someday…
On a personal level, I can’t help hoping that – someday – I won’t feel so ‘othered’ by being neurodivergent, that I won’t feel so different and so deficient when and after spending time with neurotypical people. It’s not that I don’t enjoy spending time with these people because I do: almost everyone I know is neurotypical and those that I love, I love dearly. But there are throwaway comments and common experiences that just make me feel so different to everyone around me and it’s just so exhausting to have these constant, endless reminders. It’s so hard to try and accept my ASD and my ADHD when it feels like, everywhere I turn, one thing or another is telling me that I’m… less than or wrong or broken. Someday, I’d like not to feel that way.
Day 19 – I love it when…
I can just totally hyperfocus on something without interruption or pressure to do something else. I just love falling down a rabbit hole and reading everything I can find on a subject, learning as much as I can about a particular songwriter’s process, the theories around alternate universes, the different types of typewriters, why thunderstorms make certain people (myself included) feel so much better… I don’t remember it all but I love the feeling of soaking it all in. And it does mean I have a random fact about almost everything.
Day 20 – Communication Style
I’m not really sure what this prompt is asking of me, to be honest. Googling ‘communication styles’ gives me so many different possibilities that it’s hard to know what the right one for this prompt is. Maybe this is something I’m going to have to investigate further but for now, the way I feel I communicate best is through the songs I write. Being able to use lyrics, melody, harmony, instrumentation, production… the right combination of those things can convey a feeling or an experience in such a pure way. Not long after I met one of my now best friends, we were talking about me being autistic (I think it was in the context of a song she was helping me write, I’m not sure now) and I just made the casual comment that if there was ever something that she wanted to know or something she didn’t understand, she could always ask. And she replied, ‘I just have to listen to your songs to understand you.’ I’m not gonna lie, I was kind of floored by that response (and I still am a bit – it makes me very excited about the music projects I’m currently working on). I mean, that’s the goal – to find connection through the songs I write – and my friend had just confirmed that for me. So that was a big moment and a special one but I think I’d still be saying the same thing had that not happened. Songwriting feels like the way I communicate best and to have that in my life is something very special indeed.
Day 21 – One thing other people don’t understand…
From my admittedly limited personal experience, I think a lot of people find it hard to reconcile ADHD with good grades: if you’re turning in work on time and getting good marks, you couldn’t possibly have ADHD, for example. Thinking like this can prevent those struggling from getting support because they don’t show the stereotypical signs of a condition like ADHD. Apart from 2013 (the year when my mental health problems really started to manifest, resulting in such a crisis that I barely made it through my A Level exams), I’ve always turned in work on time or early (unless I had an extension due to health stuff) and achieved high grades in pretty much all of my classes. Personally, I think that, up until A Levels at least, this was largely due to a natural ability, the fact that I enjoyed learning, and very intense perfectionism. Getting to do a BA and MA in songwriting, my most enduring special interest, helped to balance out my struggles with executive function, I think: because I was so passionate about what I was studying (for the most part at least), it wasn’t as hard as it might’ve been had I been studying something that I was less passionate about. I’ve definitely had areas and periods of time in which I’ve struggled – I wouldn’t have sought out what resulted in my ADHD diagnosis if I hadn’t – but I guess I’m just saying that you can have ADHD and be a good student and the idea that you can’t is a harmful one.
Day 22 – Dispel a myth
I don’t know whether this myth still persists but I definitely grew up with the impression that having ADHD meant an inability to sit still. If that myth does still exist, I’m definitely proof that that isn’t true, as a constant of ADHD at least. I can sit in basically the same position all day without moving because I’m so absorbed by what I’m doing. I forget to move, to the point where it’s actually causing me problems: my chronic pain (thanks to my hEDS) is exacerbated by these long periods of no movement so I’m actually trying to move around more. So, yeah, we can sit still.
Day 23 – Can’t live without…
My family. On any and every level, I could not live without them (and I include my close friends in this circle too). But I’ve talked about them quite a lot so I’m gonna say songwriting as well. When I’m writing a song, the rest of the world goes away and I feel like I can just be me, focussed on something that I love more than pretty much anything else. And then, when I finish a song and feel like I’ve really said what I wanted to say, that feeling is so special. I feel like, for a little while at least, I’m in sync with the rest of the world and all of the usual friction that exists just disappears. I feel calm and relaxed, like I’m finally still; usually I feel like I’m constantly vibrating, which is just so exhausting. So, while I love the creative discipline of writing songs, I love the way it makes me feel. I’ve never experienced anything like it.
Day 24 – ADHD Political Issue
A massive problem with conditions like ADHD, as well as other neurodivergencies, is the lack of support available, for those who appear to be functioning well especially. So many individuals, myself included, have had to fight for support – in education, from medical professionals, sometimes from the government – because, so often, people just don’t understand the challenges that these conditions present or don’t believe those asking for help. I can’t get too deeply into this (especially at the moment, given that I’m overly emotional due to the reduction of my antidepressant medication – an unfortunate but necessary step in order to try medication for my ADHD) because I’ll just get too upset but the society we live in is so deeply ableist, and it’s so entrenched that no one even notices. And worse, a lot of people don’t seem to care about changing it. We’re in the minority, right? Why should society change to make the lives of the few better when the lives of the many are just fine? Honestly, the apathy so many people have towards those with disabling conditions (I know not everyone with ADHD considers themselves disabled but some do) – conditions that are often made worse by how our society is structured – makes me so, so angry and just so sad.
Day 25 – Symbols
To be honest, I’m really happy to stick to ribbons of specific colours; I like the simplicity. But I also understand that, at some point, the various colours are going to get too similar and people aren’t going to be able distinguish one from another. But I’m not sure how an entire community will ever be able to agree on one symbol. I’m more familiar with the various Autism symbols but for ADHD, I’ve seen the orange ribbon, the rainbow infinity symbol (which is often used in the autistic community), the butterfly, the rainbow butterfly. Ultimately, I think that what we experience with ADHD is too broad to be summed up with an image like an animal or a symbol because they have their own associations. This is why I like the orange ribbon.
Day 26 – Favourite ADHD Book
I’ve yet to read any books about ADHD, given that I was diagnosed in the middle of my Masters and had to give everything I had to that. Plus I’ve found it hard to focus when reading books over the last few years. But I have had multiple options recommended and I think these are the ones I’m going to look into first…
Day 27 – Identity Language
Personally, I don’t really have an issue with how people identify themselves; they should use the language they feel comfortable with and respect that in others. As a general rule though, I think identity-first language is important for the neurodivergent community. With conditions like Autism or ADHD, they affect the way we perceive and process the world; they are intrinsic to who we are, to our identities. Having said that, I’m not sure how identity-first language works with ADHD. With Autism, we have the word ‘autistic’ but there isn’t an equivalent for ADHD, at least as far as I can tell. I’ve seen people use ‘ADHDer,’ but I find that awfully clumsy and awkward to say. I don’t have any other ideas though.
When it comes to my own circumstances, I am autistic. Absolutely. But I still feel like I ‘have ADHD,’ maybe because it’s still a relatively new diagnosis and I haven’t had the time and headspace to process what it means and how it fits into my constellation of diagnoses and my identity.
Day 28 – Dealing with Boredom
I’m not sure I’m ever bored; I always have too much to do (or I’ve crashed after trying to do too much). The closest state I get to boredom is not knowing what to do and that’s usually because I feel overwhelmed by all of the things I could do. (@roryeckons’ post on this is great though.)
Day 29 – Favourite Memes
I’ve seen a lot of ADHD memes so choosing a favourite or even favourites is hard.
Day 30 – Hyperfocus
I find the concept and research behind hyperfocus really fascinating. I was about a breath away from hyperfocusing on hyperfocus to write this day’s post (when I realised what was happening, I had to laugh) but I managed to reign it in before I really got lost in it. Some of the stories I read were fascinating. Personally, I love it when my brain hyperfocuses, although it can be annoying when I get sucked into something (or repeatedly sucked into one thing and then another and then another) at the exact moment when there’s something I really need to do. But when there isn’t an impending deadline, it can be so fun. I love going down the rabbit hole of a new subject and learning everything I can about it. Sometimes it’s resulted in essays about the subject and sometimes it even turns into a full blown special interest.
Day 31 – Acceptance means…
I don’t know what real acceptance looks like, if I’m completely honest. Yes, we can learn to and practice accepting ourselves and our friends and family can be understanding and supportive but I think acceptance – real acceptance – is bigger than that. Real acceptance is when ADHD is understood, acknowledged for what it is, and accommodated, and done so without persuading or convincing or fighting for it. But I don’t know if that’s a realistic expectation. How can that kind of acceptance be possible when we, neurodivergents, are the proverbial square peg in the round hole, living in a world that is not only built in a way that doesn’t accommodate us but actually disables us further? As I said before, when so many people don’t want the world to change, it can all feel deeply dispiriting. So I don’t know what we do in that regard. But, to quote Amanda Tapping, “The best thing you can do is to make your corner of the world as good as possible,” and so that’s what I think we focus on. We work on accepting ourselves and using the gifts we have to create as much good as possible, for ourselves and for others. Maybe I’m thinking too big when it comes to this prompt but there have just been a number of things recently that have just highlighted how ableist the world can be and that’s been upsetting. And much as it makes me want to flip tables and scream that the world isn’t fair, I want to focus on the good and the good that I can do.
As I said, this is still all very new and it’s a lot to take in. But I do feel like I’ve learned a lot by doing this challenge, both from my research and from reflecting on my own experiences. It’s been a mixed bag – some of it fun, some of it upsetting, and some of it overwhelming – but I’m learning and I’m figuring stuff out and hopefully it won’t be long before I feel a bit more confidant about it and about how I can manage the challenges that come with it.
Who knows, maybe in a year, I’ll do this challenge again and see how much has or hasn’t changed…
Category: about me, adhd, anxiety, autism, depression, diagnosis, emotions, family, favourites, identity, medication, mental health, music, quotes, response, school, special interests, university Tagged: ableism, acceptance, adhd, adhd acceptance month, adhd awareness month, adhd diagnosis, adhd inattentive type, adhd medication, adhd memes, adhd support, anxiety, asd, autism, autism spectrum disorder, autismadhd, autistic, autistic adult, ba, challenge, creativity, degree, depression, eds, ehlers danlos syndrome, emma watson, family, fidget toys, hairpulling, heds, hyperfixation, hyperfocus, hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome, identity first language, identity language, independent artist, kalie shorr, ma, masters degree, mental health, mental illness, music industry, neurodivergent, neurodiversity, perfectionism, self acceptance, self employed, sensory information, sensory overload, sensory sensitivity, simone biles, singersongwriter, songwriter, songwriting, special interest, special interests, stimming, trichotillomania, university, unsigned artist
Posted on April 10, 2021
I love a good week-in-my-life post and I try to do one every semester or so, since that does tend to shake my life up. Now, the semester is coming to a close and the assessments are in sight so I’m busy with uni work, with cowrites, and with health stuff. There’s a lot to juggle right now.
The week in this post begins on Monday 15th March and ends on Sunday 21st March 2021. I’d thought I’d have this up on the blog earlier than this but when I was writing it, I wasn’t thinking about the timing and then there was Autism Awareness Week to post for. But here we are, just a bit later than planned.
I struggled to wake up with my alarm. My sleep isn’t great at the moment and my alarms really aren’t doing their job. Most of the time I’m sleeping through them completely, which isn’t exactly ideal.
For a moment, I forgot that it had been the Grammys the night before and then suddenly it came rushing back. I went online and found out who won what. I’m sad Ingrid Andress didn’t win any of the three she was nominated for, but I am glad that The Highwomen (Brandi Carlile, Natalie Hemby, Lori McKenna, and Maren Morris) won Best Country Song, although Maren Morris won’t get a Grammy since she wasn’t a writer on the song. And then there’s Taylor Swift. I’m so, so happy that she won Album of the Year for folklore. I think she deserved more than just the one award – I mean, how did she not win Best Pop Duo/Group Performance with ‘exile featuring bon iver’?! – but I do also think it’s a good thing when there’s no one person that walks away with five or six, meaning more artists/songwriters/producers/etc are being recognised for their work (I’m not saying the Grammys are fair – we know they’re problematic – but this is one aspect that makes them fairer).
I’m so happy for her, especially after everything she’s had to deal with with her masters and still working through the fall out of everything that happened/came to a head in 2016. And I know I’m biased but it’s pretty widely acknowledged what a big deal folklore was (and is); it was absolutely the album of 2020.
I was so busy catching up with the Grammys news that I was late for my online Occupational Therapy session. Fortunately my OT therapist understands my passion for music so she didn’t mind. We ran through my exercises and she wants me to do them for a little bit longer before moving on to a new set of exercises. Having fallen down the stairs at the weekend, she warned me to take things gently – to take a bit longer if that felt safer and more comfortable – and said that an injury, even to an unconnected area, could cause a general flare up of pain. So hurray for that. Everything hurt from the fall but I figured that that was due to the actual impact (well, multiple impacts) rather than anything chronic pain related. I haven’t been dealing with this – chronic pain – long enough to be able to predict stuff like flare ups. So we’ll just have to see things go.
And then we were done. The sessions are always exhausting, even if I’m not being asked to do much. So, before I could fall asleep on the sofa (it would not be the first time), I got up and recorded the new vocals for the song I was presenting in class the next day, ‘Last One Standing.’ I really love this song so I was really nervous to hear people’s feedback; I really wanted them to like it.
I finished that and, as predicted, I fell asleep on the sofa for a couple of hours.
I had a gentle rest of the day, doing various admin tasks before starting The One on Netflix. I was craving something new. I got into it really quickly, which was great – exactly what I wanted. I only stopped when 9pm rolled around and it was time for Unforgotten, a show my whole family has loved since it began airing. We all just love Nicola Walker and I particularly love her as Cassie Stuart. Having said that, I’m struggling with this series. I think the case they’re working is super interesting – maybe the most interesting one they’ve tackled – but with Cassie feeling so trapped and angry, it’s not as enjoyable as it has been in the past so I really that hope they’re heading towards a solution that brings some of her warmth back. (It’s safe to say that I wrote this before we saw the series finale.)
I was really stressing before class (we’re heading towards the assessment and I always get so anxious that I’m not doing enough) and somewhat frantically messaging with my friend. She suggested we have a a quick video chat before the class started and that really helped to ground me. Then we signed into our class.
We didn’t have our normal (awesome) tutor but we had another awesome tutor; I’ve had her as a tutor a handful of times since I first started at ICMP, on the BA, and she’s really great. Throw in the fact that we were presenting our ekphrasis songs (songs that were responses to other pieces of art, like visual art, films, etc) and it was a really interesting and thought provoking session. The brief had really stretched people and the songs were all so exciting and so different in the best possible way. I loved all of them.
I was last and VERY nervous because I was (and am) so attached to my song. Fortunately though, everyone really liked it and had some really great responses, some really interesting thoughts, and some good things to think about in the redrafting process. I was so happy with the positive response that I finished the class feeling like I was glowing. My first ‘glowy moment’ of the year – that’s what I used to call the really awesome moments. It’s been a really long time since I’ve felt like I had a reason to use the phrase.
I meant to have a nap between classes – that always makes it easier to concentrate in the second class, which is, after all, three hours long – but I accidentally ended up binge-watching The One. It’s so compelling and so thought-provoking, in so many different ways.
The seminar was on authenticity but having studied authenticity in song lyrics pretty extensively for my Musicology essay, it was all pretty familiar. So while it wasn’t too intellectually taxing, I was tired and it was hard to stay focussed. I didn’t mind three hour classes when I was actually in them but I do find three hour classes on Zoom a struggle.
When the class was over, I curled up on the sofa and finished The One; the last episode was just one mind-blowing revelation after another. It was so good. I found Rebecca a particularly fascinating character; there was so much to unravel. Both Hannah Ware (Rebecca Webb) and Zoë Tapper (Kate Saunders) deliver incredible performances and there’s so much potential for another series. Me and my friend, Luce, (who was an episode behind me) freaked out together when she finished it about an hour later.
I’m always exhausted on a Tuesday, even if I do manage a nap, and I was falling asleep on the sofa around ten. So I dragged myself up and headed for bed. That’s pretty early for me these days. I’ve been trying to get to bed earlier so that wasn’t the worst thing in the world.
I slept really badly but I didn’t sleep in. I was still in pain so I couldn’t get back to sleep anyway and at some point during the pandemic, I started feeling guilty if I slept in (this is super unhealthy, I know – I’m working on it in therapy) so I got up, had a shower and breakfast, and got to work. I did some uni stuff and then wrote down my thoughts to collect myself before a meeting with my course leader.
The meeting was about the final module of the Masters, which is called the Major Repertoire Project where we can research and create a body of work about anything we want. I know what I want to centre my project around (I’ll share soon but I want to get the current module done first) but you can take various approaches to the research and I wanted to talk to my course leader about that. We had a really in depth discussion and she gave me some really good ideas to think about. So I’ve got a lot to figure out but I’m really excited to get into it.
As good as the meeting was, I was really tired afterwards. I got comfortable and tried my best to concentrate on blog post writing. It took hours but eventually I managed to finish my blog post on being diagnosed with ADHD. At least I had a pretty good view while I worked.
Mid afternoon, I was supposed to have a phone call appointment with a neurologist. And I did, except they called two hours late, it wasn’t the person it was supposed to be, and then they basically spent twenty five minutes trying to convince my Mum and I that any tests they do as a department would probably be a waste of time and likely wouldn’t show anything. And that was it. The call ended and I just felt confused and upset. Isn’t the point of a doctor to help you, rather than convince you that trying to find an answer to your problems is a waste of everyone’s time? I mean, I was referred to the neurologist by my GP because she thought this was worth investigating. And then I finally get to see said neurologist after rescheduling and it felt like they were fobbing me off from the moment the call started. So, that was… yeah.
I was all over the place and Mum did her best to distract me. She’d seen bits of The One (although I’d managed to prevent her from seeing anything too spoiler-y) but she wanted to see the whole show so we started it again; she was hooked straight away, just like I was. As we watched, I started doing some basic research based on the Major Rep Project seeds that my course leader had planted in my brain; I didn’t get very far but it was definitely interesting and a good distraction from real life.
And then I went to bed, completely exhausted. It was barely ten thirty.
I struggled up with my early alarm but all of my careful planning for the day had fallen apart before ten am. I’d had two cowrites booked for the day but then one of them needed rearranging so I suddenly had to try and rearrange the whole day. I was majorly stressing that I was going to have to cancel on somebody but fortunately I was able to rework everything so that I could work with both people.
I had a shower and breakfast before finishing the lyrics to a song I’d been working on and speaking to Richard about the plans for the acoustic videos (the ones I’ve been releasing over the last few weeks). Then I worked on blog post stuff until it was time for my first cowrite. My friend, Anna, and I worked on a really cool song that she’d brought a draft of to the sessions and we were both so proud of it when finished. It has some really great metaphors and imagery and we tightened up this awesome outro that she’d proposed. I feel like we created something really special and that felt so good.
When we hung up, I had an hour to eat a really late lunch (and watch some more of The One with my Mum) before my second writing session, this time with my friend, Dan. He didn’t have a draft like Anna but we’d been messaging about what to write about: he’d sent me some themes, I proposed some more concrete ideas, and then he chose one that resonated for us to work on.
We decided to call it quits after a couple of hours and although we hadn’t finished the song we’d started, I feel like we’d made a really solid start on a really interesting song. I really liked what we’d come up with and Dan seemed to feel good about it too.
I feel like my writing has improved so much over the last few months and it felt particularly strong that day. I just felt like everything I was coming out with was good, not necessarily right for the song of the moment but still good. And that felt kind of amazing. Obviously not every day or every session is like that but every now and then it happens and it’s so, so satisfying; it gives you such a motivation boost. And remembering days like that one are really helpful on the days when it feels like everything you write is complete crap. So it was a good day, despite the stressful start, and I felt really positive about my writing and my friendships and my creative relationships and my course. It was a good day.
I was exhausted and starving by the time we finished but in a good way, in the way where you’ve worked really hard and you need to replenish, in the satisfying way. Mum and I finished The One with dinner and she was as blown away as I’d been. It was fun to have someone to talk about it and dissect it with; there are so many interesting and thought-provoking ideas in there.
Even though it was already late, I couldn’t help doing some more research into some of the ideas my course leader had suggested before forcibly reminding myself that that was not the time to be getting into complicated academic research, that I needed to disconnect and go to bed.
For the first time in a really long time, I slept super deeply and actually woke up feeling somewhat human and not a zombie.
After a quick shower and breakfast, my Mum and I headed down to the GP surgery for another set of blood tests. I’ve completely forgotten what they’re for or who requested them with so many people involved right now but apparently they might give us more insight into my fatigue. The nurse was lovely and the whole thing was super quick and efficient.
Back home, I did some work for uni and typed up my notes from my meeting with my course leader, including some of the resources I’d started to find the night before. I wanted to get it all down before I started to forget things. This project feels so huge right now – I’m sure it will start to feel more manageable and achievable once I’m actually working on it and not just thinking about it in broad strokes – so I don’t know what I’m going to need to remember at this point.
I worked up until my therapy session, which are still online at this point. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again: in person is better and, personally, I find it more helpful but I’m grateful to still have access to therapy at all so I’m not complaining. Since I’ve been in a better place, we talked about that and what’s contributed to that. I told her about my first glowy moment – the first one in so long – and she was so excited so we enthused about that together. But we also talked about how difficult I’ve been finding it to start on the assessment work; maybe it’s my anxiety around assessments, maybe it’s the untreated ADHD, maybe it’s a combination of both. It’s also just irritating to have to focus on the paperwork side of things when I just want to keep writing madly.
It was an okay session. Between all of the pandemic stuff and having sessions online, I find it hard to get into things deeply enough to really move forward. So mostly it’s been about coping, which is necessary but also really frustrating. It’s felt like a year of treading water when I’m just so desperate to make some progress, of any kind.
I spent the afternoon doing various admin, like emails and so on, and more uni work. And then, early evening, I uploaded the first of the acoustic session videos. Working with Sunburst Sessions (back in February 2020), we’d made a video for each track of the Honest EP but I obviously hadn’t finished releasing the EP at that point, hence why they’re only coming out now. I’m going in order of the EP tracklist so the first one up was ‘Bad Night.’
The video up and shared to all of my social media and WhatsApp groups etc, I had a long catch up on FaceTime with one of my parents before having dinner with my Mum. It was pretty late by that point and we were both tired so we watched a couple of episodes of Episodes (it’s one of our comfort shows – it’s not emotionally heavy and both Tamsin Greig and Stephen Mangan are brilliant).
I’m still sore from falling down the stairs so Mum gave me a massage (I’m so freaking lucky to have a massage therapist for a mother) and then we both headed to bed.
I was awake on and off throughout the night and I was wide awake between four and six am. Ugh. And then, of course, I fell into a really deep sleep that was a really struggle to wake up from. And because I’d slept later than usual – later than I usually start taking my current daily painkillers – I was in so much pain that I could barely move. I had to eat and wait for them to kick in before I could manage a shower. So… not the best start to the morning.
When I finally made it to the living room, Mum and I did the Census and then I logged into the blog and posted my International Day of Happiness post.
I spent the rest of the morning working through the feedback I’d received on my songs from this semester, which made the task of choosing songs for the assessment portfolio much more straightforward: I don’t think any of the songs I’ve presented are bad but there were some obvious standouts, all of which were actually in line with my gut instinct about what to submit. I just needed to work on them, based on the feedback, and then pull the paperwork together: the various drafts, the feedback, my notes, etc.
Early afternoon I had a writing session with my friend, Phill, but we ended up deciding that we’d gotten as far as we could online and so we’re gonna continue working on the song when we can meet up in person. We’re just having trouble with the lag time. I’m happy to do that and although that was the writing session effectively over, we stayed on the video call and just had a really fun and chilled out chat, which was really nice. Because socialising has to be so organised now, I’ve definitely found myself having fewer spontaneous and casual chats with people and I’ve missed that. So it was a really nice few hours.
After we hung up, I had some chill time. I was having a quick scroll through Instagram when I saw that Natalie Hemby, a songwriter I really admire, had posted about Travis Meadows, another songwriter I really admire, and how he’s been through A LOT recently…
I love Travis Meadows and his music so I went straight to the gofundme page. The video he’d made the week before, sharing for himself what had happened, was incredibly moving. I donated what I could and shared the fundraiser on all of my socials. (The fundraiser has since met its goal but is still open – I’m sure the hospital bills, past and ongoing, are much more than the original goal set.)
One of my parents came over for a bubble dinner and we watched Lucifer together and then I watched my friend Luce‘s online show. She played some great covers and acoustic versions of the songs she’s already released but she also played some new songs and they were incredible. They were so powerful. I can’t wait for everyone to hear what she’s working on because it’s truly amazing.
When her show finished, I had a couple of FaceTime calls with various family members and then went to bed. It was still really early – not even ten thirty – but I was exhausted.
I didn’t wake up until half nine and when I opened my eyes, I found three of the five cats watching me. Clearly it was long past breakfast time and they were impatiently waiting for me to deliver. So I dragged myself up, fed the clamouring masses (this is sarcasm just in case you couldn’t tell – I adore them), and had a shower, before settling in the living room.
I ate breakfast in front of the Netflix short Creating The Queen’s Gambit. I loved it, loved seeing how the whole thing came together, from the really obvious creative choices (like Beth’s hair and the sets) to the tiniest of details (like the interactions between the characters); it just made me want to watch the show again but I just don’t have the time right now. I would want to pay attention to all of those details and right now I have too much to do; the TV is pretty much just there for background noise at the moment.
I spent the morning working on my notes for my assessment portfolio. I was due to have a cowrite in the afternoon but then that got rescheduled to the next day. But I made use of the time: I spent several hours working on a research proposal for a Musicology conference. I’d absolutely love to present at this conference, so much so that it’s probably making me super perfectionistic about it. So I’m trying – I really am – to dial that back so that I can actually write the damn proposal. Because if I don’t write the proposal, I definitely don’t get to present at the conference.
After a few hours on that, I went back to my portfolio notes. It wasn’t a particularly interesting day but it was busy. I got a lot done.
Then, in the evening, I had another bubble dinner: pizza, Lucifer, and catching up. It was really nice. I couldn’t totally relax – I did a bit more uni work and some writing for various blog posts – but I had a really good evening. And then I went to bed early, completely knackered.
So it was a super busy week. But that’s not exactly new. I’ve been battling all semester with the danger of burning myself out before the assessment. I know that I really need to manage myself better. It’s just that sometimes my enthusiasm gets the better of me, especially when it comes to music things.
As I post this, classes have ended and the assessment deadline is coming up so I really need to concentrate on that. I just wish concentrating was easier. The practical work I don’t seem to have a problem with but the analysis – an essay that’s not really an essay – has me banging my head against my desk. It’s such a simple, straightforward task and yet I’m finding it so difficult. And on that note, I’m going to post this and go and work on it. Because there’s a hundred and one more things to do after I do that.
Category: adhd, animals, anxiety, autism, covid-19 pandemic, emotions, heds, mental health, music, sleep, therapy, university, video, writing Tagged: a week in my life, acoustic sessions, adhd, assessment, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, blog writing, blogging, blood test, cat, cats, chronic fatigue, chronic pain, conference, coronavirus, covid-19, cowriting, cowriting session, creating the queen's gambit, dbt, dialectical behaviour therapy, ekphrasis, episodes, facetime, family, family of cats, folklore, friend, friends, glowy moment, grammys 2021, heds, honest ep, honest ep (sunburst sessions), hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome, luce, major repertoire project, march 2021, masters, masters degree, masters degree in songwriting, masters degree year two, masters part time, musicology conference, my cats, natalie hemby, neurologist, nicola walker, occupational therapy, online classes, online concert, online learning, online university, pain, pandemic, pandemic 2020, pandemic anxiety, part time masters student, perfectionism, perfectionist, remote therapy, remote writing session, research conference, research proposal, seminar, singersongwriter, sleep, songwriter, songwriting, sunburst sessions, taylor swift, the highwomen, the one, the one netflix, the queen's gambit, therapy, travis meadows, unforgotten, university, university assessment, week in my life, writing session
Posted on February 13, 2021
Trigger warning: This post is dedicated information and experiences with Trichotillomania so if this is a difficult subject for you, please don’t read on. I would hate for you to be triggered. Having said that, immediately following this post will be one on a list of ideas and tips to help with hair pulling.
It’s been a while since I talked about Trichotillomania, whether about my experience or about the disorder in general. I’ve been learning more and more about what triggers me so I thought I’d do some research into triggers more generally and after doing all that reading, I thought I’d collate some of it in case it could be helpful to any of you guys.
Scientists still don’t know what causes Trichotillomania – and other BFRBs (Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviours) – but there are various theories, including:
Pulling can then become a type of addiction. The more a person pulls their hair out, the more they feel the need to keep doing it.
While there isn’t much definitive research into the causes of Trich, we are learning more and more about what drives people to pull once they’ve started pulling, the internal and external triggers that occur right before someone pulls. External triggers include certain people, or places, or situations while internal triggers include certain thought processes, emotional states, or physiological sensations. When the particular trigger (or one of multiple triggers) is experienced, a person who struggles with compulsive hair pulling may be ‘triggered’ to pull. The pulling satisfies something, like creating a feeling of relief or calm for example.
These triggers can be sorted into a multitude of categories, these being some of the most common…
There are two ‘types’ of pulling: focused pulling and automatic pulling.
Some people do one or the other but many people do both.
This is obviously not a medical or scientific guide. I completely encourage you to research the subject further if any of this resonates with you. The NHS, for example, has a great page about Trichotillomania but I wanted to share what I’ve learned while researching and my experience with some of the areas that came up. And as I said at the beginning of this post, I will be sharing a collection of suggestions for managing and potentially reducing your pulling directly after this post.
Category: about me, anxiety, body image, depression, emotions, mental health, research, trichotillomania Tagged: automatic pulling, bfrb, body focused repetitive behaviours, emotional, emotions, external triggers, focused pulling, hair, hair pulling, imperfection, insecurity, internal triggers, perfectionism, personal experience, sensory, sensory information, trich, trich awareness, trichotillomania, trichotillomania awareness, trichotillomania research, trichotillomania triggers, trigger, trigger warning, triggers
Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), ADHD (Inattentive Type), and Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), as well as several mental health issues.
I’m a singer-songwriter (it’s my biggest special interest and I have both a BA and MA in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is on all platforms, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.
My debut EP, Honest, is available on all platforms, with a limited physical run at Resident Music in Brighton.
I’m currently working on an album about my experiences as an autistic woman.