Finding HopeMay 2026 in Photos
TW: mentions of depression and pet loss/grief.
As I’ve said in previous posts, I love a good photo challenge and I really liked the prompts posted for May: I felt like they allowed for more creativity than some of the previous months have (hence why I didn’t end up doing or finishing them) and, as a result, I enjoyed the challenge a lot more. I started the month in a really deep bit of depression so it wasn’t the worst thing for me to have something to do each day, even if it was as simple as finding something to take a photo off, and then, as I came out of that pit, it served as a good way to remember what a very hectic but also really special month…
Day 1 – I AM…
…depressed. The loss of my beloved kitten, Sooty, and a very busy week triggered a really bad depressive episode and chronic pain flare. So I’m just lying on the sofa, watching TV and stroking Izzy as she alternates between me and my Mum.
Day 2 – I HELD THIS…
…fidget toy, my favourite tangle. I haven’t felt up to doing much with everything that’s been happening lately – my nervous system has taken a bit of a battering – so I’ve just been playing with it to keep my hands busy while I watch TV; I find it very soothing.
Day 4 – I FEEL…
…sad. I miss my sweet Sooty. Seeing just the three remaining cats together does make the glaring absences of Lucy and Sooty so obvious and painful but it’s also really nice and heartwarming to see how the dynamic has shifted so that these three (nicknamed ‘the coven’ by one of my friends) are even closer than they use to be. Mouse and Sweep (middle and right respectively) have always been very close, both emotionally and physically, but Tiger (left) was often more sociable with Lucy and Sooty so I’m really, really glad that she has become closer to Mouse and Sweep over the last little bit. They’re clearly feeling the loss of Sooty, just as they clearly felt the loss of Lucy last year, but I’m really glad and really grateful that they’re pulling together; I was worried that Tiger would be left out, on the outside of the Mouse and Sweep bubble but fortunately that hasn’t happened and it warms my heart.
Day 6 – I LOVE…
…the goofiest assistance dog in the world. Daisy does the funniest thing when she sits, where she sits on her tail but still wags it wildly so it’s essentially wagging it between her front legs. It looks so, so silly and never fails to crack me up. And then she starts to look sheepish, which only makes the whole thing funnier. It’s practically a routine at this point: Daisy wags her tail between her front legs, I start laughing, she wags her tail even harder, I laugh hysterically, and then she has to climb into my lap to make sure I’m okay.
Day 8 – I HAVE…
…started working on the jacket I’ve been planning for my two Erin LeCount – I wrote about her here and have another piece coming in the near future – shows later in the month. The ‘show uniform’ tends to be made up of white, lace, and long skirts, none of which I’m comfortable wearing so, after trying and trying to find something that I could make work for me, I decided to take it in the opposite direction: I bought a black jacket and and ordered a handful of patches, all of which linked to Erin’s artistry in some way, whether that was lyrics, music videos, social media branding, and so on. It’s been really fun to find and choose the patches and now try and figure out where they look best. This isn’t really my natural creative area but it’s been fun so far.
Day 9 – I READ THIS…
…book, Breath by James Nestor. Well, I’ve been trying. I’ve been reading it for, I think, over a month at this point but it’s been very slow going. And that’s not because I’m not enjoying: I actually find it absolutely fascinating but, between the depressive episode and how busy my life has become, it’s been hard to find time to sit down and read and then, when I do, I’ve struggled to concentrate. I’m looking forward to later in the month when things calm down a bit and I can really get stuck in.
Day 10 – I STOOD HERE…
…with Daisy sat at my feet. I went to the dentist for the first time in ages – it’s an NHS specialist dentist that works primarily with disabled people so they’re trying to support a great many more people than they strictly can manage so it’s been a while since my last appointment – and I was a bit nervous for a number of reasons. But Daisy was great. She’s been there multiple times she’s completely unfazed by it all. As someone who really struggles with the dentist, I am always fazed but Daisy does make it easier.
Day 12 – I LIKE TO…
…make bracelets for concerts. I loved doing it for The ERAS Tour in 2024 and I still have so many beads left over so I’ve just kept making them for concerts as they come up. They’re a great icebreaker at shows and now, armed – quite literally – with bracelets to offer, I always end up chatting to people and sometimes even making friends; it doesn’t matter if those friendships only exist within the fan space – they make going to concerts even more fun. I’ve managed to make quite a good handful for the Erin LeCount shows coming up, both specific ones for specicifc peopl which will be so fun to share and then more general ‘Erin LeCount’ and ‘PAREIDOLIA’ ones to share with the people around me. I’ve also found that making bracelets is really helpful if I’m dysregulated: whether it’s the low stakes of the task, concentration, the fine motor skill, making something with my hands, or all of the above, I don’t know, but it’s so helpful, so calming and centring.
Day 15 – I CREATE…
…very elaborate concert outfits full of niche references. I had so much fun doing this for The ERAS Tour where I planned an outfit around the lyric “Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place” from ‘All Too Well’ and “Deep blue but you painted me golden” from ‘Dancing With Our Hands Tied.’ And since I couldn’t find anything that fit the ‘show uniform’ for the Erin LeCount shows I was going to, I decided to cover a jacket with patches that reference the world of Erin’s music. I’m not going to spoil all of them but the wings reference both the wings from the ‘Digital and Divine era’ and the lyric, “Growing pains, growing wings right between my shoulder blades” from ‘DON’T YOU SEE ME TRYING?’ – I think they’re my favourite because they look exactly how I imagined. Erin has repeatedly mentioned the white rabbit around the PAREIDOLIA EP, both a reference to Alice in Wonderland and the rabbit you can see in the moon (an example of pareidolia). The moon patch (although it looks a bit too much like a cookie for my liking) is a link to that, to the La Lune Tour, and comes up in ‘808 HYMN’: “When I was a kid, I used to think the moon was following me home.” The satellite and stars also come from ‘808 HYMN,’ from the lyric, “I’ve been praying to the constellations, turns out they were all just satellite stations,” and the planets are from the ‘I BELIEVE’ lyric, “Blame it all on the eclipse, solar systems, politics.” And the hypnotic television could’ve been lifted straight out of the ‘ALICE’ music video. If you’re an Erin LeCount fan, can you guess the others?
Day 16 – ON WEEKENDS I…
…see my favourite artists live. I mean, I wish I did this every weekend. I don’t usually but this weekend was an incredible line up of Erin LeCount at Roundhouse in London and then at Electric Bristol in Bristol and then Maisie Peters at Union Chapel in London. Just under a year ago, I saw Erin play at Bush Hall and now I’ve seen her headline at Roundhouse and as good as she was then, she’s just raised the bar on every level; she was fantastic. And the Bristol show was so special. I’ve never had such a good view from the disabled/wheelchair space and Erin was just absolutely incredible; as I said, she was amazing at Roundhouse but the show felt more intimate in Bristol and she felt more relaxed and present and I enjoyed it so much more for that (also the sound was so much better than at Roundhouse – it’s a notorious problem due to it not being built to be a music venue). And as if it wasn’t special enough, I got to meet Erin afterwards, which was the most wonderful experience: she is such a kind, engaged, thoughtful person and I am so beyond grateful to her tour people for making that happen. It was a pretty unbeatable experience but Maisie Peters was really good the next night too and it was so exciting to hear ‘Flat Earther’ for the first time after being so intrigued by the title and to hear her talk about the album in a bit more detail.
Day 17 – I BOUGHT…
…quite a lot of Erin LeCount merch, PAREIDOLIA shows merch. I love the merch I’ve bought at her previous shows and I wear both the t-shirt and hoodie all the time. I’ve been actively looking forward to these shows since I booked the tickets back in February and so I’ve been putting money aside so that I could splurge if I liked the merch and I really, really liked the merch. So that was a very highly anticipated purchase and I’m very excited to wear what I bought, both from the pre-London show pop up, Erin LeCount: Through The Looking Glass, and from the tour collection. They also came with some cool stickers that I’ll need to find a home for.
Day 19 – I LIKE TO DRINK…
…Red Bull. What else?! If you’re even a semi regular reader of this blog, you likely know about my long standing love affair with certain flavours of Red Bull (and if you don’t, I wrote a bit about it here in relation to stimming). I love the purple ‘Grapefruit & Blossom,’ the blue ‘Juneberry,’ and the pink ‘White Peach,’ the latter being my current favourite. I don’t seem to respond to caffeine but the fizz does give me boost and the flavour does nice things to my brain so it is my favourite thing to drink right now.
Day 20 – I DON’T LIKE TO…
…do nothing. Even after one of the longest work days of the year, I resisted the urge to collapse and tried to do some writing. I wasn’t very successful because I could barely keep my eyes open and I fell asleep before 9pm (chronic fatigue is the bane of my existence) but I had so many thoughts that I wanted to get down. Hopefully I managed to scribble them all down before I fell asleep, overhead light and glasses still on.
Day 21 – I WENT TO…
…Leeds City Museum. I was attending the F-List 5th Annual Research Conference, which was held in Leeds this year. I was speaking on a panel about male dominance in songwriting spaces on the second day but I went to both days, to listen to the presentations and take part in the workshops and talk to all of the interesting people there, all of whom are dedicated to uplifting women and gender minorities in the music industry and the research into different aspects of it. Even when I don’t fully understand the topics of the research, I so enjoy hearing people sharing the things that they’re really, really passionate and knowledgable about: in the this case, these are areas of research that people have dedicated years of their lives – or even their whole lives – to and I think that’s amazing. They are long days that require a lot of concentration so I needed breaks and because I had Daisy with me – our first conference just the two of us and the longest days she’s worked so far – she needed breaks too so I was in and out a bit but that helped us both with our abilities to focus. I have practice at managing these conferences so I know what I need to pace myself and manage my needs but, as I said, this was the first big event that Daisy and I were handling together so I was a bit nervous. But she was a superstar and, apart from a few moments where she got a bit restless, she was perfectly behaved, even on stage during my panel, which was a completely new experience for her. And everybody was so respectful: there were a couple of moments where people I know greeted her because they’re so used to us as a pair but stopped themselves, something we’re both used to and know how to manage, but otherwise everyone respected Daisy’s space and focus, which I so appreciated because that literally never happens; there’s always someone trying to talk to or touch her when we go out, sometimes without even looking at me first. That respect made it so much lovelier when I took her gear off during the last break of the conference: Daisy was so delighted to talk to everyone and everyone was really keen to engage with her (still asking permission first) and ask questions about how her training works, how we do what we do together. It wasn’t the easiest two days (and I was so exhausted that I fell asleep before ten both evenings, which is unheard of for me) but I learned a lot, I met some really great people, and Daisy and I continued to strengthen our partnership.
Day 22 – I ONCE…
…spent almost an entire day stuck on a motorway, in standstill traffic, on the hottest day of the year. My family were going to visit a museum, if I recall correctly, but there was a horrendous accident and traffic just stopped. There was nothing any of us could about it so we all just had to sit there in the scorching sun. Everyone had to turn their cars off but that meant nobody had any air conditioning and so it was just hundreds of cars, sat on the baking tarmac, with every door and window open to encourage in the most minuscule movement of air. I’m pretty sure we had our dog with us as well and thank god he was such a sweet natured soul; he was probably the most patient out of all of us. We had very little water and this was in the days before smart phones so it was deeply boring because we hadn’t packed a single thing to do and car games are a lot less fun when none of the cars are moving. It was a very, very, very long day. And I was thinking about that day today while I sat in the car with two dogs, in standstill traffic, on the hottest day of the year so far. It was so hot that I felt like I was suffocating and Izzy had the audacity to look so comfortable and relaxed.
Day 24 – I LIVE…
…in cycles of extremes. The last week has been relentless motion, almost all unknown people, so many new places, and constantly shifting emotions. Today, I’m collapsed on the sofa and will be until I have to go out on Monday afternoon for a couple of hours after which I will return to my horizontal position. I think I’ve actually done an okay job of pacing myself this time, at least to the point of not completely crashing at the end of it all but I still need some proper recovery time so I don’t tip into burnout. The next couple of weeks are less intense and I’m hoping to take June really gently but I need some proper rest and recovery if that’s going to be a pleasant and gently productive time. It’s also been too fucking hot over the last few days to do anything. My body doesn’t manage high temperatures well and, as soon as I try to do almost anything in the heat, I start to feel nauseous and dizzy. So I absolutely need to take things gently until it cools down a bit.
Day 25 – ON MONDAYS I…
…usually go to therapy but I’d rescheduled it to go and see Inter Alia in London with my Mum. But then, because it was over 30 degrees and I cannot cope with the heat – from both a POTS and Autism perspective – we rearranged the trip and spent the afternoon lying in front of fans, the dogs on the cool mat, watching Series 1 of Dinosaur. We’d only planned on watching a couple of episodes but the episodes were really short and the the characters were really relatable and the relationships felt so real; I deeply related so many of Nina’s autistic experiences and it’s really funny without ever making fun or people or punching down, which is so refreshing, especially with an autistic character in the story.
Day 26 – I CAN…
…see how much has changed since I’ve started going to this new therapy: I quit talk therapy after about ten years of trying different version and different therapists and while I definitely did learn and benefit from it, I didn’t feel like it was getting to the deeper issues that were starting to impact my life more and more. I wanted to try something new and very quickly discovered somatic therapy and ended up stumbling across an amazing therapist who does Somatic Massage Therapy, specialising in trauma release. I had no idea what it was going to be like going in and even after all of this time – I’ve been doing it consistently for just under eighteen months – I’m not sure I could accurately describe how it works; it’s about connecting with your body and learning to regulate your nervous system and recognise, accept, and let go of old patterns that don’t serve you anymore. I think that’s probably the best I can do without going down a research rabbit hole. It’s hard work and the growth isn’t linear, as is often the case with therapy, but I can see the changes in some of my thought processes, in some of my behaviour, in my day to day life. Looking back at the last few months in particular, I can really see how differently I’m processing emotion and responding to it, the impact that that has on how I recover from the stuff that happens in my life, and how all of this builds its own momentum: the more things change, the more things change, if that makes sense. It’s hard to explain. I might have to come back to that thought.
Day 27 – I CAN’T…
…handle this heat. I’ve never been good with the heat and my diagnoses of Autism, hEDS, and POTS have explained a lot of why and how these difficulties manifest. That said, I still find it incredibly difficult to manage, to function, to look after myself, to regulate my emotions. With the the physical problems that the heat exacerbates in POTS and hEDS, I can do very little without feeling sick and dizzy and faint and how limited I am just adds fuel to the fire that is my fragile mental health and overstimulated nervous system. I hate how much more disabled the heat makes me but I’m trying not to get sucked down by that train of thought. I’m trying to stay hydrated, stay as cool as possible with my fan, and just get through it. The animals are struggling too but they don’t seem too fazed by it: we make sure to feed and exercise everyone at the safest possible times, keep water and cool mats available, and leave them to find the spots where they’re most comfortable. They’re getting a lot of cool treats too, which they’re definitely enjoying.
Day 29 – I FOUND…
…out this morning that the first two episodes of the new season of Criminal Minds: Evolution have been released. I’ve been watching the show since I was about fourteen (definitely too young to be watching a show about catching serial killers) and Emily Prentiss has been one of my favourite characters ever since. I loved the original show and I’ve enjoyed the reboot more than I thought I would – not that I was particularly worried about that but I was very grateful to find that all of the things I loved about it still existed in the show’s new form. One of my favourite things about this new incarnation of Criminal Minds is that they can swear – I know it’s a pretty small detail but I find the realism of it very satisfying and it’s very funny after sixteen seasons of them very deliberately not swearing – and this was probably my favourite moment of the first two episodes: Emily sighing “FUCK!” at the ceiling after a deeply irritating revelation from JJ. I’ve watched it multiple times already and it cracks me up every time.
Day 30 – I DID THIS GOOD THING…
…today: I went to a Poetry Orchard workshop and wrote a poem I’m really pleased with in a style that I’ve never tried before. But more than that, it was clearly so good for all of us to be back in the virtual room together, reading and discussing poetry, writing our own pieces, and then sharing them in such a safe space after a few months apart. I definitely wasn’t the only one who had missed it: everybody was kind of giddy to be back and the energy was just so lovely. The poems are always amazing but these poems had a special kind of magic to them, like they’d just been waiting to be written, longing to be written.
(The video in the left photo is a short film called ‘An Object At Rest,’ which is positively delightful and such a good fit for a workshop titled ‘Rest is Rebellion.’)
Day 31 – I DO THIS ON SUNDAYS…
…while I do like to use Sundays to catch up with unfinished tasks from the week, get my planner in order, and prepare my Monday emails, I will never turn down a Poetry Orchard workshop and today I go one. The theme was ‘Writing With Colour’ which is something we’ve never explored before and that was so fun; I had so many ideas that will no doubt find their way into other poems down the line. It put a new spin on everyone’s writing, which was really cool, so the sharing section was super fun too.
The open-ended nature of these prompts made this a really fun, interesting challenge, even it became a bit of a struggle to keep up as the month got busier. I’ve really enjoyed it though; it helps me stay present in each day. I’ve had a peak at the prompts for June and they look really fun too so I’m looking forward to that.
Finding Hope 