Finding HopeGrateful 2024
Posted on December 31, 2024
TW: Mentions of therapy trauma and self harm.
I know I usually get this post up on Christmas Eve but I just haven’t been able to keep up with my old schedule this year; between the exhaustion from my erratic sleep schedule and my ADHD outdoing itself in fucking up my concentration, writing has been taking a lot of time and energy. I still love it but suddenly it’s just taking so much effort, in all forms, and that has massively slowed down my ability to finish anything. But there has been a lot to be grateful for this year and so I really wanted to get it down, no matter how long it took.
MUM – I know I specifically list my Mum on my ‘Grateful’ lists but it never becomes less true; I never become less grateful. I find more reasons with each year. The support she has given me this year, in good times and in bad, has been amazing: she made it possible for me to move through the Autism dog process, go to concerts, take up opportunities that I would never have been able to participate in otherwise. She’s supported me through meltdowns, the days that I couldn’t get out of bed, everything I’ve needed to make the music I’ve made this year, helping me to find the people who can support me in my mental and physical health… I couldn’t do any of this without her.
FAMILY – Not that I would ever call my family unsupportive but I feel like there have been specific instances this year that have felt new and different, in the context of the way they support me: help with applying for grants, help with getting my academic paper ready for publication, help with the Autism Dogs process, help with going to see Taylor Swift, help with finding a new therapist, even rescuing me when I’ve gotten stranded mid-meltdown… They listen to me; they know when to push me when I need it and let me stop when I need to stop; they remind me to rest (something I’m notoriously back at). My health, both physical and mental, has been so bad this year that I’ve really needed them and that change has created more change. The dynamic feels different than it has in the past and, for the most part, in a positive way; there’s room for growth.
THE FAMILY OF CATS – The cats have been a bit distant since we got Izzy. They find Izzy a pest at the best of times and so they’ve stayed away from her and therefore us as Izzy is usually with me and/or Mum. But over the last few months, they’ve started to stray from their ‘safe space’ in the kitchen and further into the house. They’re now sleeping in my room and the living room and even asking for attention, which feels like such a big win. They still avoid Izzy for the most part because she can be so excitable and unpredictable in her playfulness but we definitely have progress from the beginning of the year.
IZZY – Although she can be a little menace at times, I honestly don’t know what I’d do without Izzy in my life. I think she may well have saved my life when we got her last summer and somehow I love her even more than I did then. I love her more every day. She’s a constant presence – a constant soft, warm heartbeat – beside me and as bouncy and hyper and playful as she can be, she can be just as gentle and affectionate and sensitive; whenever I’m upset or even having a meltdown, she presses herself as close to me as possible and even licks away my tears. All she wants to do is make it better and even though it’s rarely something she can affect at all, her belief that she can and the effort she puts in can make me feel at least a little less awful.
AUTISM DOGS – While the process of working towards my Autism Assistance Dog, Daisy, and the anticipation (and, I will admit, anxiety) of waiting to see how it all plays out when she arrives, it’s also been really exciting and such a learning curve. Even though I swing backwards and forwards into various big doubts, the staff have been incredible at reassuring me and, if it’s a practical anxiety, showing me what to do to make me feel more confident. Daisy is utterly gorgeous and so eager to please and very sensitive to my needs already; I don’t know what I’m going to do if, mid-cry, I have two dogs launching themselves at me… Izzy and Daisy are getting on better but Izzy is still very possessive of me and I just have to hope that when they get to spend some significant time together (i.e. more than ninety minutes at a time), they’ll find it easier to figure out each other’s boundaries. So there’s a lot of joy there, even if there’s also a lot of anxiety. And getting to meet so many dogs has been so lovely – once there was even a litter of puppies!
OLD FRIENDS AND NEW FRIENDS – My friends and the love I have for them has been a consistent thread throughout this year. I’ve spent a lot of time, in real life and over the video calls if travel was tricky, with friends from all different periods of my life – something I feel so incredibly lucky to have. I’m still friends with my best friend from secondary school, from sixth form, from my BA, and my MA group of friends; it’s something that makes me so emotional, that we’ve managed to maintain these friendships over all of this time, despite everything that’s happened in our lives, and pick up – pretty much – as if no time has passed. Being able to share my life, hear about theirs, and hopefully support them as much as I’m able to through tough times is one of the greatest honours of my life and I can only hope that I’ve been clear enough about how much they mean to me. Their circles have broadened my circle too and that’s also been really lovely.
And due to the wedding of a friend from sixth form (she, Lois, animated a gorgeous music video for me and we’ve kept in touch sporadically over the years), I had the opportunity to see so many old friends from sixth form, many of whom I haven’t seen for years. Because of the pandemic, going to universities all over the country, traveling and moving abroad, we haven’t all been together for a really long time so I was positively giddy to see so many old friends. Life just gets so busy and with everyone scattered across the country and beyond, it hasn’t always been easy to stay in contact but, as I said, it was an absolute joy to see everyone again and I spent most of the evening hugging one person or another (apart from the solid twenty minutes of Taylor Swift music where I danced so hard that I nearly died at the end of it). There were so many exciting updates from everybody and it was just so nice to be together again. Hopefully it won’t be as long as last time before we can hang out together again.
I’ve also made a whole new group of friends, due to joining an online poetry group. What was such a casual decision has completely changed my life: my love of poetry and my creativity has grown exponentially but, more importantly, I adore the other members of the group. They’re all so kind and brave and creative and they make me feel understood and supported and safe. There’s a lot of overlap in mental illness, neurodivergence, disability, and chronic illness so we share a lot of experiences and common ground so we constantly support and ground and educate each other. Finding them was a complete fluke and now I miss our writing sessions if we go more than a week without one; they came into my life just when I needed them and I couldn’t be more grateful.
NASHVILLE FRIENDS – It was SO lovely to see my friends in Nashville when I was out there in late March-early April. And by some wonderful cosmic timing, I happened to be there the same week that my friend, Candi Carpenter, was releasing their debut album, Demonology (which is fantastic). And because they were also putting on a release show – and afterparty – lots of their friends and people who have become my friends online were all flocking to Nashville so I got to see loads of lovely people, some in person for the first time. If it hadn’t been for that, I’m not sure I would’ve seen my friend Kalie Shorr (who is also an incredible songwriter and artist) so I was very grateful for that and we had a blast at Candi’s release show and even managed to fit in a coffee and a catch up while we were both still in town. In some ways I got to see a lot of Candi – at their release show, at the afterparty, and then at another show they were playing later in the week – but they were obviously very focussed on getting the album out (completely understandably) so we really didn’t get much time at all to just hang out and catch up but it was so incredibly special to be at their show and celebrate the album and then be the super annoying fan whooping from the front row at the second gig. I truly would’ve been gutted to miss the release show: I’m pretty sure it was one of the best shows I’ve ever been to. So the time I did get to see Candi was very precious. And I also got to see Caylan, my very oldest Nashville friend, and we got to have a really lovely catch up and managed at least one Pancake Pantry outing. While my previous Nashville trips have been much more focussed on Tin Pan South, this trip ended up being much more focussed on my friends, although I did manage to get to see some of my Nashville faves, like Ingrid Andress.
ESCAPISM – While there were some really great days this year, there were still a lot of bad ones and still a lot of really, really terrible ones and I’m grateful for the escape that various activities have given me. I didn’t read much this year – my ADHD, brain fog, difficulty concentrating, etc was brutal this year – but diving into films and TV really got me through some of the tough times. Film wise, A Quiet Place: Day One was so much better than I thought it would be, considering how many times alien invasion films have been done and the fact that the main characters weren’t in it; I thought the lens through which they told the story was really moving. I also watched Fitting In and The Fallout and found both of those really powerful; they’re both the kinds of stories that we need to be telling and learning from because they dig into really big subjects and don’t always follow the storyline you expect them to, which often makes them much more true to real life. Oh, and I loved the most recent film from The Hunger Games franchise, The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes (which I did actually also read). I really didn’t expect to like it because I really wasn’t interested in a story with Snow as the protagonist but I ended up finding it fascinating and enjoying it more than the original trilogy by far; Rachel Zegler and Viola Davies were, of course, also fantastic and I think it’s one of the most beautiful and visually interesting films I’ve seen in a really long time. (I also watched The Trap, which I recommend nobody watch ever – it’s actually amazing how terrible a film can be.) TV wise, I got back into Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, which was really nice because I love Olivia but was so bored of the storyline and Elliot features when I sort of tuned out; I’ve been enjoying the recent series a lot more. I also loved the new season of The Lincoln Lawyer and the new season of Criminal Minds: Evolution was better than I ever imagined possible: I’m honestly still obsessed with it – the character arcs, the acting, the greater plot, the strings left untied – and I can’t wait for the next one. I really got into Nobody Wants This, A Man on the Inside, and Black Doves (I’ve never seen Keira Knightly so good and I may never get over the relationship between her and Ben Whishaw’s characters) and I’m really excited that all three of them have been renewed for another season because I just want more! I also really enjoyed Red Eye – which was on ITV and I think was just a standalone series – with its amazing cast, acting, and storyline; it was really compelling right from the beginning and it was able to stay high stakes while still being clever and interesting and actually quite moving. And, of course, I found escape in music: I got really into both Beth McCarthy and Gracie Abrams because of their new releases this year; I was and still am, of course, obsessed with Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poet’s Department; and one of my favourite people, Candi Carpenter, put out their debut album, Demonology, which I know will stay as one of my favourite albums forever. Both Candi and another of my favourite people, Kalie Shorr – both of whom I first met in Nashville – started Patreons to fund their sophomore albums and while the perks of subscribing are lovely, getting to see these two albums come together is so freaking cool and I feel like I’m learning so much about the album process, from writing to production to creative direction and so on. I highly recommend checking them out and supporting them if you can. Candi’s is here and Kalie’s is here.
AMANDA TAPPING AND THE COMPANION – I have always loved Amanda Tapping – she’s been a hero of mine for more than fifteen years now – and I was lucky enough to meet her again at Basingstoke Comic Con this year. It was a tough few days – the event was very chaotic and there was an awful heatwave – but I have so many special memories of the experience. The panels were really interesting and all of the guests were really open and good-humoured despite the heat and exhaustion. I was, as always, really excited to see Amanda and getting to see Richard Dean Anderson was really wonderful; I’d sort of forgotten how much I love him and Jack O’Neill. I was kind of disappointed that I hadn’t bought a pass to meet him but the queue was so long that people were missing other things and I think I would’ve passed out before meeting him (having said that, I did run into him in the hallway before one of his panels and although he was barely able to stop moving, he was really sweet). Talking to Amanda again was as lovely as it always is (she is one of the kindest people I’ve ever met) and, although the meet and greet wasn’t what was promised, it was still really special. I also got to meet the organisers and many members of The Companion, an organisation that celebrates sci-fi and fandom and one of their biggest projects has been Embracing Mental Health as a Fandom with Amanda Tapping; it was so freaking lovely to meet them all in person for the first time after having everything be online for so long. The Companion panel with Amanda was amazing and really moving and I felt so lucky to be there. I missed it all as soon as I got in the car to go home but it was so special and I can’t wait for the next event, whatever and whenever that may be.
WALKING AWAY FROM MY LAST THERAPIST – I wrote an incredibly long post about this earlier in the year but the short version is that, at the beginning of the year, my therapist of the last couple of years traumatised me, triggered a meltdown, and ultimately pushed me into a dissociative state. I couldn’t go back for over a month and while I tried to engage with her over a phased return (because I felt too traumatised to even go back into the room), she wouldn’t discuss it and then threatened to terminate therapy unless I came back. Honestly, I never wanted to see her again at this point but I wanted to understand why she’d apparently become a completely different person from when I’d first met her. That session was a complete disaster but in a way I’d never expected: she babbled like an idiot, unable to justify any of her decisions or reasons for terminating therapy (which she was doing, regardless of the previous manipulation of terminating unless I came back). She accused me of threatening her livelihood by missing sessions (although she’d been fully aware of the issue and she’d had notice for every session apart from one, when I’d thought I’d be able to get there and then couldn’t) and then referred to my six-ish weeks of trauma-induced dissociation due to her actions as ‘an extended holiday.’ I had such a physical reaction to that that I honestly thought I was having some kind of cardiac event: my heart rate had been so high throughout the session and I’d been shaking like a leaf, unable to take deep breaths. She asked if she could come and sit next to me and I honestly don’t know what I would have done if she had; I did not want her anywhere near me. But at some point during the session, something changed for me: it was like shedding my skin that I’d long needed to let go of and this new version of me had a new kind of strength, I guess… the emotional strength to push back rushed into my body like much-needed oxygen. For every lie, I had evidence against her; for every attempt to manipulate me, I called her out; for every time she tried to make it my fault, I was able to volley the accusation back. Maybe seeing her had triggered the fury I felt and as soon as I felt that, I was able to stand my ground and push back. Or maybe it was the absolute ridiculousness of her behaviour. I wasn’t going to let her get away with that. I did end up going to one final session, to give her a final chance to explain, but she was just as all over the place and halfway through the session, the air just went out of me and I left. I didn’t want anything to do with her for another minute and there was nothing she could say or do to change that. It was a very traumatic experience and I’m not grateful for that at all; I’m beyond sick of terrible therapists who hurt their clients more than they help them. But I’m really grateful for the new person I grew into as a result of it all, even if it took me a while to recognise it.
GETTING THE TATTOO BUG – After almost fifteen years of wanting tattoos but other things just getting in the way, I finally got my first tattoo… and my second… and my third… and at the time of writing this, I have six with plans for many more. I love having them and I love getting them, which is apparently not that unusual for people who have self harmed; I find it oddly therapeutic and I definitely get a rush from it. I have had one really bad experience with a tattoo artist discriminating against me and refusing me disability accommodations, which was traumatic and has been taking up a lot of my time and brain space to resolve. It’s not, as of yet, resolved but I’m still working on it and I hope that there will be some progress soon. But that incident aside, I’ve absolutely loved it and I’m looking forward to figuring out which tattoos I’ll be getting next…
AMAZING SHOWS, FROM BASEMENT BARS TO STADIUMS – I had a year of amazing concerts, from small songwriters’ circles (shout out to Stories in Song) to Taylor Swift’s almost four hour long epic, The Eras Tour, at Wembley Stadium (shout out to Electrolyte Fastchews for keeping me alive). I got to see multiple incredible songwriters at Tin Pan South in Nashville (including my long time fave, Ingrid Andress), as well as my beloved Kalie Shorr and Candi Carpenter – it was so special to be able to be in the room cheering for them, rather than stuck behind the screen on a livestream. I got to see Holly Humberstone for the first time. I got to see Bleachers twice, which I was particularly grateful for: the first time I ‘saw’ them, the accessibility team put me in the back row of the seating and, even though the seats were raised, everyone stood up and refused to sit down when told by security so I wasn’t able to see much of anything. I got to see Maisie Peters twice as well, first opening for Taylor Swift (which was awesome and so emotional that I cried through most of it) and then opening for Noah Kahan, who was also amazing. I got to see one of my tutors, Jonathan Whiskerd, play the launch gig of his stunning upcoming album, which was so special, even more so because I know how much time and effort and care has gone into it. I got to see Beth McCarthy headline Heaven, which was so much fun; I got to see Halsey play a surprise show at KOKO, performing a mix of songs from their previous albums and a few new ones, The Great Impersonator having not been released yet (that show was super emotional); and I got to see Kelsea Ballerini play an incredible one night only show at The Roundhouse. It was an amazing year for concerts and I’m not sure how 2025 could beat it but I do have a few very cool ones lined up.
TAYLOR SWIFT AND THE ERAS TOUR – Taylor Swift usually makes her way onto my grateful lists, for one reason or another, and this year I have so many reasons to be thankful for her. The paper that I wrote on her lyric writing and presented at what I believe was the first Taylor Swift centric conference, Taylor Swift Study Day 2021, is about to be published (I did an interview about it here), which is so exciting! She released her newest album, The Tortured Poets Department, which I love and feel like I’ve learned so much from, from a songwriting perspective; I love it so much that I got a tattoo of a lyric from ‘The Black Dog.’ I endlessly enjoyed following The Eras Tour online and discussing each night and each night’s mashup on Tumblr. And then getting to go… Getting to go to The Eras Tour was absolutely magical; I will never forget how special it felt to be there, to experience those shows with the wonderful people I got to go with. I was so lucky to be able to go multiple times but the most special part of that was the fact that I had so many friends who wanted to go and wanted to go with me, their resident Swiftie friend: as a teenager I was bullied and harassed relentlessly for loving Taylor so to have more friends wanting to go with me than there were shows in London (not that I went to every show in London) was so healing for my younger self. The show was beyond incredible, I had so much fun with my friends (and, of course, my Mum – we’ve been to many Taylor shows together), and I got to witness the most beautiful mashups and special guests, including Paramore as an opener, the live debut of ‘The Black Dog,’ the first Eras Tour performance of ‘I Did Something Bad,’ Maisie Peters as an opener, the mash up of ‘Change’ and ‘Long Live,’ Jack Antonoff as a special guest, and the first ever live performance of ‘Florida!!!’ WITH Florence + The Machine. I will honestly never get over the experiences I had. The effort it took to go to the shows required almost a month of recovery time and it took over a week before I was able to make coherent sentences but it was so completely worth it. I’m not sure there will ever be another concert experience like The Eras Tour but then this is Taylor Swift we’re talking about so who knows…
HALSEY – I’ve loved Halsey for years and I’ve always felt her music very deeply; there are multiple odd little parallels in our lives (we were actually born on the same day, only a few hours apart) that have always made her music feel like it’s deeply personal just to me, even though I know there is a thriving fandom out there who I’m sure feel the same way. I found it quite difficult to hear that they were going through really difficult health stuff, partly because I was also going through difficult health stuff, so it was a big relief when they started doing shows again. I was ridiculously lucky and managed to get a ticket to see them live at KOKO, just before The Great Impersonator came out, and it was just so magical to see them perform live again (I last saw Halsey live on The Manic Tour at The O2 Arena in 2020) and not just live but live at a super small, intimate venue. When they teared up, I could actually see the shine in their eyes because that’s how small the venue was; being at such a small show – just them and us – felt like a really special moment of reconnection. It was an incredible show, as I’ve always known Halsey shows to be, and see them so at ease onstage and so moved to be in front of a crowd (and a crowd of fans who were so thrilled to be there) was really moving (and, as I said, really reassuring). I got to hear songs I never thought I’d hear live due to the Love + Power Tour having been a US only tour: I was so excited when I realised that anything was up for grabs and it was a breathtaking experience to hear songs like ‘1121’ and ‘honey’ live. It was also one of the best gigs, accessibility wise, that I’ve ever been to, from the venue to the staff to the other fans; that meant a lot to me. And then, of course, there’s the new album, The Great Impersonator, which is incredible. It’s so raw, so moving and so powerful, and it’s been crafted so carefully and beautifully; the stories, within the greater story, that Halsey is telling are so detailed and delicate and the production is so varied and expressive. I’m just obsessed with it. But the rawness of it also makes it painful to listen to. Listening to it, I felt like so many of the songs could’ve been about me to a certain extent because I related to them so deeply; it’s a hard listen and it does feel like an excavation of every wound but I also felt so seen and so understood, which is so rare. All of the songs feel so precious to me (‘Life of the Spider (Draft)’ and the ‘Letter to God’ trio especially so) and it will always be an incredibly special album to me. I read one review that summed it up really well: “This is not an album designed to be a chart-topper; it’s a masterclass in the ways we use art to survive – which is to say, a masterclass in honesty.” I think this is so true, for the album, for Halsey as an artist, and for the way I feel about songwriting as an artist myself.
TRYING SOMATIC THERAPY – I needed a break after the traumatic end to my last relationship with a therapist but I still really needed help. I’ve reached a point where I don’t think talk therapy can do much for neurodivergence and trauma related issues (although I do think it can be helpful for working through certain things – I’m still in contact with a talk therapist I trust for when I do need that sort of support) so I started doing some research and ended up looking for a somatic therapist. I managed to find one really close by and I’ve had three sessions with her so far and I really like her; we get along really well and she just gets me. I can’t really explain it but I do think I feel different and I would recommend it to everyone, neurodivergent or neurotypical (I’ve already specifically suggested it to multiple people in my life, if only to get the short term relief I felt after the first session). We’re all carrying a lot of trauma these days, especially after the pandemic and with everything going on in the world, and the trauma of it all seems to be flying under the radar. I’m nervous to let my hopes get too high but I’m cautiously optimistic about how I might feel after more sessions in the new year.
NEW WORKING RELATIONSHIPS – This year I’ve met and worked with some truly amazing people that have made me so excited for my upcoming music releases. Up to this point, it’s pretty much been me, Richard Marc, and my Mum making things happen (and, of course, Josh of Sprogglet Studies who always does a fantastic job of mixing and mastering my tracks). But this year, I’ve met some wonderful people who really get me and get my music and, for the first time, I feel like I have music industry professionals (ones who I didn’t already know) who believe in me and who are passionate about what I’m passionate about and that means so much to me. I don’t want to say too much yet, since I haven’t made any official announcements about new music, but I’m so grateful to Tahnee and now Abi for everything they’ve done so far and for everything we have planned. I’ve also worked with some very cool photographers this year. In Nashville, I worked with Katie-Mac Photography and she had some ideas that, even now, I’m obsessed with; I only wish we’d had longer to explore them (and that the logistics hadn’t been so stressful). I did a shoot with Fraser MacKenzie, which was really fun; because we didn’t have a specific plan in mind, we were just able to improvise and see what worked and that was really cool. I’m learning so much through all of these experiences and so I’m really grateful for all of them. And then, of course, I finally got to work with Tom, who I’ve been chatting to for YEARS at this point: we’ve been talking about doing the artwork for this project ever since I came up with the idea and despite the pandemic and my health issues and our busy lives, we finally did it and it’s SO GOOD. I’m SO excited for people to see it; I’m absolutely obsessed. I also have to give Richard his own special shout out for all of the time and work and care that he’s poured into this project with me to make this new music; he has been my musical partner for over ten years now and I could not do it all without him. Making art with him is like making magic and our sessions together are some of my very favourite times. They, like our friendship, feel like anchors in my life and I can’t wait to create more stuff in the new year.
So I managed to finish it! It is still 2024. Just. I do want to get my unfinished 2024 (and 2023 – oops) posts up in time but I’ve been so hard on myself about it and that hasn’t gotten them finished or been good for me so I’m trying to just take my time and slowly get them done. Anyway. As I said, even though it’s been a tough year, there has been a lot to be grateful for and oh my god, do I feel grateful. I can’t imagine how any year could ever be like this year but who knows what next year will bring, good and bad.
Autism Dogs – The Application
Posted on November 19, 2024
It’s official! I’m getting an Autism Assistance Dog! These posts are currently quite out of date because I wanted to get well into the process before writing too much about it but now that things are really moving, there’s a lot to share!
I applied to Autism Dogs twice, first in September 2021. But a month later, I was informed that I hadn’t gotten past the application round. They got in touch though and said that there was nothing wrong with me or my application, just that they always have more people apply than they can take on every time they open up the application process; they only have so many dogs and so many people to train them.
Once that happened, I applied again in May 2023 and, this time, they accepted me and I moved onto the next round of the application process, which involved more forms and and an interview with two people who work for the charity. The main point of the interview was so that they could get a real sense of me as a person and of what I would need from an assistance dog but it also allowed them to gather more information, like whether we would be able to care for the dog, whether we could fund the training process, and so on. They had my application form so they already had a lot of information about me but the interview gave them a chance to ask more questions and for us – my Mum and I – to expand on the information we’d already given them. It also gave us the chance to ask the questions that we’d started to come up with. Going through this process, guided by autistic people and people who’ve had lifelong experience with autistic individuals, I just felt like they got me: no request or accommodation was surprising or irritating; many of my needs and sensitivities were already accommodated for; and there were regular check ins, breaks, and as much flexibility as the schedule allowed. It was the first time I’d experienced anything like that and honestly, it was amazing, if kind of surreal.
They signed off on me and so I went on to do a one-to-one video call with the founder of Autism Dogs. She was really, really lovely and we had a really long, really interesting and engaging conversation; we talked about the charity, about me, about all of this going forward, and she was very happy to officially welcome me into the program and begin the process of having me matched with a dog, provided we could meet the financial requirement of the application, which we had been planning for – especially since we hadn’t been accepted the first time but had been encouraged to keep trying.
It was made very clear early on that it’s not a speedy process, that you can be on the waiting list for a year to eighteen months. That was always fine with me because making sure that a person is matched with the right dog can’t be a simple process and, of course, I’d much rather wait longer for a better fit. If you and your dog aren’t a good match, the whole point of having an assistance dog is undermined: you won’t benefit from the relationship and support and your dog will struggle and ultimately fail to thrive as an assistance dog. I can’t imagine that it’s a situation anyone seeking an assistance dog wants to be in. As the months have passed, I’ve stood by that belief because I want this relationship to be successful and helpful to me in becoming more independent and and having a bigger life; I know that can’t happen if I try to rush the process. Plus I have multiple sensory sensitivities which ruled out certain breeds of dogs, again slowing the process because they had less dogs to select from.
We had multiple meetings – both over Zoom and in person at the Autism Dogs farm – but it wasn’t until twelve months after I was accepted into the program, in May 2024, that I was matched with a dog, a gorgeous black Labrador who is now well on her way to becoming my assistance dog.
As I said in the introduction, I’m quite a bit further down this road than the blog post suggests but I wanted to detail the whole process from the beginning with as much information as possible but in digestible chunks (as well as writable chunks) so that it doesn’t take forever to post – unlike my yearly album posts.
NOTE: Between my brain fog and a WordPress update, I lost track of what was supposed to be the next post, the next step in the journey: discussing my Advanced Tasks list and meeting some of the dogs to get a sense of which breed I would be most comfortable with. That post is now up and you can find it here.
A Week In My Life (July 2023)
Posted on September 30, 2023
I really overdid things in June and pushed myself harder than I could really handle; I was just so overwhelmed and drained and exhausted so, in July, I tried to take things more gently, to varying degrees of success. Having said that, I did have some completely one-off opportunities booked that I couldn’t – and didn’t want to – miss. It’s hard, relearning to balance doing things with recharging and building my stamina. There are still so many things I want to do, especially see my friends and schedule more sessions with my favourite cowriters but I just really struggle to make things fit, and make things fit without absolutely crashing and burning, something that has happened repeatedly since I started taking the Phenelzine – and therefore doing things – again.
The week in this post started on Monday 3rd July 2023 and ended on Sunday 9th July 2023.
MONDAY
I woke up before nine and worked through some of my morning habits, like drinking water and my Duolingo practice, before getting up and getting in the shower. Then I settled in the living room and got to work on my current blog post, alternating with closing some of the many tabs I have open and trying to tidy my laptop up a bit. My Mum had gone in to town to get her laptop fixed and she’d asked about mine and it’s new habit of randomly turning off at any given moment. They said that, when it was made in 2015 (I got it later, refurbished), running it was like asking it to function at 100% but now, eight years later, running it is like asking it to run at 200%, which is obviously problematic. And given my propensity to work on about seven different things at once (with so many tabs open), I’m honestly surprised that it’s survived this long. They basically said that it’s not going to last much longer and I’m going to need to get a new one soon: the dreaded words with the Taylor Swift ticket sales coming up. Even though I’ve been saving for these concerts and have savings for moments like these (when something necessary, like a laptop, needs to be bought), the money anxiety was sitting in my stomach like a slimy, writhing creature.
Early afternoon, one of my friends came over to visit. She’s probably my oldest friend; we met when we were thirteen and we’ve been really close ever since, even though we don’t see each other as much now, living in different cities and working and so on. But our friendship has been one of the great pillars of my life; we always pick up right where we left off and there’s never any awkwardness. It was so, so lovely to see her, to hang out with her even though it wasn’t as long as we’d hoped for, but we got to catch up properly and we had a good laugh. I miss her more now that she’s further away, further away than she ever has during our friendship; it’s so much harder to see each other. But it’s comforting to know that our friendship has never really changed, even if it has evolved since we were at school and saw each other every day.
When she left, I made sure to take some rest time. Mum and I were both hanging out in the living room; she was working on her laptop and I spent a couple of hours continuing the work of cleaning up my laptop. We’ve been half watching House at times like this and we finally finished it, watching the ‘making of’ at the end. For the most part, it was fun and interesting but there was one part that really got under my skin: one woman was talking about the creation of the character of Gregory House and how the original idea was that House was in a wheelchair but that that was ‘too difficult’ so they changed it. I’m sure she meant it from a filming and set perspective and they eventually got to the idea of him using a cane, which I do think was a better choice for storytelling given the character, but the way she talked about it just felt really ableist and insensitive. I know I get triggered by that ‘too difficult’ and ‘too complicated’ talk but it just felt really uncomfortable and, at the very least, borderline offensive to wheelchair users.
My Mum and I had an early dinner together and finished His Dark Materials while we ate. It was the first time Mum had seen the end and my second. God, the end just wrecks me; it’s so heartbreaking. Dafne Keen and Amir Wilson’s performances (and, of course, Ruth Wilson’s – I love her) are just incredible. I think series three is my least favourite, just because there’s so much happening that needs to be shown in order for the end to make sense but, when any of those three are onscreen (plus the scenes between Ruth Wilson and James McAvoy), it’s breathtaking.
I was freaking exhausted but I made myself go and do my hydrotherapy anyway. I tried – I really, really tried – but my back still hurt and I was so exhausted that I didn’t manage as much as I usually do. I was so tired that I felt like, if I’d rolled over and floated face down, my body would have been too tired to care and I would’ve just drowned. But going was better than not going and I had a nice time with two of my parents swimming too.
Back home afterwards, I put on Doctor Who, too tired to think any harder about what to watch, and kept working on my laptop. It was a struggle though because I kept getting distracted by the cats playing with their new donut toys, plus I kept falling asleep sitting up; I was that tired.
I dragged myself to bed, utterly exhausted, but then I was still awake at three for some reason. That was deeply frustrating; I was so tired but I just couldn’t sleep.
TUESDAY
I struggled to wake up, finally managing to drag myself out of bed around twelve; I was just so tired and the lack of decent sleep made me feel heavy and groggy. I don’t know whether it was connected or not but for the next few hours, I had some really miserable stomach problems that meant I couldn’t do much more than lie on the sofa. I felt hot and faint and nauseous and sweat was all but dripping off me. It wasn’t fun but eventually it did recede a bit and I was able to haul myself up and into the shower.
Back in the living room, I spent the next several hours working on blog posts, hanging out with the cats, and dreading therapy. I was just feeling so tired and raw that putting my feelings under a magnifying glass was the last thing I felt like doing. But I went and it wasn’t as bad as I’d imagined it would be: I’d recommended The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green to her because I related to so many of the feelings and philosophies that Green had written about (my copy, full of highlighted passages and comments scribbled in the margins, is an incredibly revealing insight into my brain, into my emotions and experience of the world) and she’d just finished it so we decided to go through some of the things that had really resonated with me, especially in the context of my mental health. It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t as hard as it could’ve been. I do think our discussion made it clearer than ever that my depression is still hanging around, dark and heavy and cloying.
Back home, I spent the evening working on blog posts and trying to reduce the amount of open tabs on my laptop. For a while, there was some amazing heavy rain and that really helped to lift my mood; I’ve always found it so calming but also really invigorating. If I recall correctly, rain releases a wave of negative ions which apparently relieve stress and alleviate depression as well as boosting energy. I don’t know how much research is behind those findings but heavy rain and thunderstorms always have that effect on me.
I wrote in my diary for a bit and then started to go to bed early but got distracted by the piano. A little fiddle turned into a couple of hours as I started playing old and half finished songs; my early night became a distance memory when I got sucked into writing a bridge for a song I’ve always loved but never managed to finish.
When I eventually got to bed, I quickly planned out my route into London for the next day and then went to sleep around two in the morning.
WEDNESDAY
I struggled up early but kept falling asleep again, which resulted in me running around like a headless chicken as I tried to get ready to leave. I just managed to catch my train and spent the journey catching up with various family members, working on various blog posts, and listening to Maisie Peters’ album, The Good Witch. I’m obsessed with it.
It seemed to take ages to get to Richard (one of my best friends, my most trusted cowriter, and my producer) but I did eventually arrive, exhausted, out of breath, and hot. We hung out for a bit as I gathered myself, catching up and chilling. We were both tired but eventually we got going, settling into his studio to work on some music. We didn’t have a specific plan and ended up writing a new song together, based on an idea that I’d been turning over in my head. It was hard to start with, like we’d both forgotten how to write together after going so long without doing it – it did get easier but I think that, if we can get back to writing together more often, we’ll find our groove again (no pun intended). By the time we had to stop, we’d written a delicate little song based on The Nettle Dress, an art piece with an accompanying documentary.
That done and running late, we raced across town (my joints were deeply unimpressed – although admittedly I shouldn’t have tried to be a hero and just gotten the lift out of the tube station instead of trying to manage all of the stairs) to the O2 Forum Kentish Town for the Maren Morris show. We both love her and we always go to see her together whenever she tours here. My Mum met us there: I had a disabled ticket and she had the accompanying companion ticket since I find these environments so hard (concert accessibility is unbelievably terrible) and she knows best how to help me through them. The O2 Forum Kentish Town doesn’t have an accessible section (which, again, just blows my mind – how can they be a functioning concert venue that hosts acts as big as Maren Morris without accessible seating?!) but they offered me early access so that I could, in theory, get a suitable seat. That was very stressful but fortunately we did get in quickly enough to get a seat that wouldn’t leave me in excruciating pain the next day. The few in total that I could’ve used only fanned my frustration with them as a venue.
Sam Palladio was the support act and he was good but his musical style wasn’t really my taste; for the most part, I couldn’t stop thinking about him as Stoke in Episodes, which was pretty distracting. Ah well. I’m happy to simply enjoy the support slot; becoming a fan of the person filling that slot is a bonus considering they’re not the person you’re there to see.
Maren Morris was incredible, as always, and she played so many of my favourites, including ‘Circles Around This Town,’ ’80s Mercedes,’ ‘The Middle,’ ‘RSVP,’ ‘Nervous,’ ‘Once,’ ‘Second Wind,’ ‘Rich,’ ‘The Bones,’ and ‘My Church.’ Her voice was in top form and she’s such a great performer; it’s always such an amazing experience to see her live. I love how much London means to her, how she never fails to acknowledge how much she loves it. And to honour that this time, she played a brand new song called ‘Get the Hell Out of Here.’ That was really special.
It was a really, really awesome show. She’s such an amazing performer. My only regret was that she didn’t play ‘Humble Quest’ since I love it so much, but then it seems that we got a lot more songs than the rest of the tour did – plus a new song – so I really can’t complain. It is surprising to me though, since it is the title track of her most recent album. (The show had also meant I missed the Song Suffragettes show – and, as it turned out, the last one – which I was sad about because I love or am desperate to see most of the girls playing and see my friends who work the event but it couldn’t be helped. It’s Maren Morris!)
Richard and I hugged goodbye, repeatedly and effusively, before going our separate ways. A short bus ride later and I was on the train home. I was exhausted but I used the time to make sure my Ticketmaster and AXS accounts were linked up and organised, all the information stored clearly and carefully to hopefully make any ticket buying as straightforward as possible. It was a cold train on a cold night and even though I’d sat for most of the show, my joints were so sore (probably from the slightly panicked journey to the venue); I was hobbling by the time I got off the train.
I was very pleased to get home and into my bed but I needed some time to decompress before I could sleep. I was scrolling through BBC iPlayer, looking for something that would soothe the still surging adrenaline. I spotted Wallace & Gromit, consistent figures in my childhood, and ended up falling asleep as those stories played out.
THURSDAY
My alarm went off at the usual time but I ended up going to back to sleep. It was a very slow start to the day but I was just so tired and sore from the night before. I also had a throbbing headache so I figured I was dehydrated, having probably not drunk enough at the concert. I’ve been trying to drink more water (my hEDS comes with Dysautonomia so I’m quickly and easily dehydrated) but the habit hasn’t become ingrained yet and I’d been distracted by the trip to London.
I lay in bed for a while, looking through my photos from the night before. There weren’t many good ones. I would love to get a new camera – mine is probably ten years old now, if not more, and I’m finding myself increasingly unhappy with the quality of the photos – but between the cost of Taylor Swift tickets (fingers crossed that I can get them) and the looming expense of a new laptop (mine is dying a slow, painful death), I can’t afford it, at least not for a while. Hopefully I’ll be able to get one before hopefully seeing Taylor Swift next year.
It turned out to be a hard day. I did manage to get my budget clearly worked out for seeing Taylor (I’d had a rough idea, having been saving since The reputation Tour ended, but it needed to be hammered out, which I’ve now done) but I spent most of the day in tears, stressed and overwhelmed and exhausted; it’s never been clearer that I need a day off, that I’ve been doing too much and need to slow down a bit. The boost Phenelzine gave me seems to have worn off, at least to some degree, and now I’m left with more plans than I have the energy or emotional capacity for. Between the busy weekend ahead, my stress around money, and the fear that I won’t get to see The Eras Tour next year: I’d received a presale code but there was no information about disabled access and when we rang them to ask how to handle the ticket sale, the information was different from last time. It’s different every time. The whole thing is just getting more and more distressing; it’s just another aspect of the world telling me that, because I’m disabled, I don’t matter as much as the rest of the population.
So it wasn’t the best day and I struggled to get much done. I did some writing and posted on my cat Instagram – a throwback to when my lovely Lucy was a kitten – but that was about it, having lost so my of the day to panic and distress…
I had a quiet evening, watching New Tricks with Mum and working on a couple of different blog posts before going to bed.
FRIDAY
I could not sleep, no matter what I tried; I think three hours is probably a generous estimate if I totalled up the sleep I did manage to get. It was frustrating and boring but the timing could’ve been worse as it meant I was awake to listen to Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) when it came out. Given that her album releases are always at five am for me, I don’t get to join in the countdown with everyone online. So that was a bonus of sorts.
I always loved Speak Now – it was the album that had me absolutely invested in Taylor’s music – and I think this is the best rerecording of the three so far, in terms of how closely she’s managed to replicate the sound. The vault comes close to being my favourite, just after the vault on Red (Taylor’s Version): I love ‘Electric Touch (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault),’ ‘I Can See You (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault),’ ‘Timeless (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault),’ and ‘Castles Crumbling (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)’ is fast becoming one of my favourite songs on the whole album. And the prologue is beautiful but heartbreaking; I’m tempted to call it one of the best non-musical things she’s written. Speak Now has always been about using her music to express her feelings and tell her side of so many different stories but this new prologue exposes a new side of that: that she was ashamed of not speaking up in the moment (something that she now tries hard to do) and that writing these songs was her way of coping with it, like she needed to prove to herself – and everyone else – that she could speak up. That undertone of shame is also present when you look at the songs she didn’t include at the time, in the context of the prologue: there are powerful emotions and experiences – the insecurity in ‘When Emma Falls in Love (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault),’ exploring her sexuality in ‘I Can See You (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault),’ and the pressures and fears that you can hear in ‘Castles Crumbling (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault),’ for example – that it seems she didn’t feel able to share and thus an album about being honest wasn’t as honest as she’d intended. I have so many thoughts about this album already but I think I’ll save them for my albums post.
I got up around seven, bored of trying to sleep; I figured I’d have a nap later in the day if I needed one. My plans for the day had changed anyway: I’d originally been going to see Madeline Edwards at OMEARA that night, having seen her in Nashville and fallen in love with her album, Crashlanded, but she’d cancelled the show (with promises to come back soon). I was disappointed – I’d been really looking forward to seeing her perform again and seeing her perform a show after seeing her in a songwriters’ round capacity – but personally, it was probably a good thing that I didn’t have to travel up to London with the weekend I had ahead of me. I was already completely exhausted and it meant I could still go to therapy – not as much fun but still a worthy use of time.
I tried to have a restful day but I was so anxious about going to London Film and Comic Con the next day. It was my third attempt; my first was thwarted by COVID and the second by my anxiety. It’s not a happy environment for me and I was stressed about being surrounded by so many people and so much noise. I was also worried about messing up out of anxiety when meeting Amanda Tapping, my reason for going. So the whole thing had me basically paralysed by anxiety. I tried to do nice things, like watch my favourite TV shows and make bracelets (my current hyperfixation), but it was still a lot.
I went to therapy and we split the time between going over the coming days and my coping strategies before continuing with our discussions inspired by The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green. I do like having something to prompt our conversations, especially when it’s a busy, stressful week; I feel like it allows us to keep moving forward, for her to keep learning about me, without flooring me the way sessions often do. When I’ve got something big the next day (or during the week), I can’t really afford to give everything to therapy. It’s a good way of still making the most of the time, at least for me.
Back home, I put on New Tricks (an oldie but such a goodie – apart from some of Brian’s mental health stuff) and continued resting, methodically making more bracelets. I wasn’t sure if I’d have the opportunity (or the confidence) to give the handful I’d made for Amanda to her but I wanted to be prepared. I also wrote out my letter for her (I wanted to make sure I could share the thoughts I wanted to share with her, even if I froze up in the moment) and chose the photo I wanted her to sign at the autograph booth (one from the final episode of Sanctuary – Sanctuary, my beloved).
One of my parents (one that doesn’t live with me and Mum) joined us for dinner and we caught up and continued our watching of Lucifer while we ate. I finished the bracelets I’d been making and went to bed early, very aware of how early I had to be up in the morning to get to London.
SATURDAY
I had a stressful early start but despite everything, Mum and I still made the train on time. Mum had a carer’s pass for LFCC; there was no way I could do it without her. Maybe one day but certainly not at this point, having already attempted to go and backed out because my anxiety over it was so paralysing. Even with her there, I was worried about getting overwhelmed and having a meltdown. But at least with her there, someone knows what to do; I wouldn’t have to manage something like that on my own.
On the train, I managed to get my new blog post up and then there was nothing left to do but wait and deep breathe until we got to London and then over to Olympia. Getting in as a disabled person was complicated and stressful – I absolutely would’ve had a meltdown if I’d been there by myself, without her to take over and cut through the chaos – but the people were really nice (one of them at least was autistic too) and skipped through all the complications to make it easier and get me through the registration and back out into the open hall and away from the dense crowd, which I really appreciated. We’d arrived in good time so at least I didn’t have to worry about that. We’d planned to be there just for the Amanda Tapping parts – the meeting and photograph, the autograph, and her talk later in the afternoon – so that I didn’t overwhelm myself when I was already anxious about my first trip to the convention but that meant we had a pretty big gap in the middle of the day; I hadn’t booked anything because I hadn’t been sure how the autographs worked. But according to the schedule Clark Gregg and Iain De Caestecker – both from Agents of Shield – had a talk right in that block of empty so I booked us into that.
I’d been well prepared and had the map on my phone so I navigated us up to the second level where the photo booths and autograph tables are. I spotted Amanda quickly and just stood for a while, watching people take their turn and trying to get an understanding of how the whole thing worked. But since it was just about time for her photo session, I didn’t join the queue; I’d just have to leave it again in a few minutes. So I found a quieter area to sit and wait, deep breathing to try and keep myself calm for the impending meeting. I was so anxious and so anxious about doing something stupid or embarrassing that would make me cringe for the rest of my life; I tried not to obsess over that possibility and just breathe but it was hard. My Extra Help wristband meant that I was allowed to go straight through for the photo – so I didn’t have to stand and didn’t have to spend too long completely surrounded by people – but there were still several people before me, which was a relief; that meant I could watch both how the process worked and how they interacted with Amanda (and how Amanda interacted with them, not that that had changed from when I met her back in 2018 at AT9 – she’s so open and warm) to prepare myself. When it was my turn, we hugged and I said how good it was to see her in real life and not on a screen. She was really lovely; I hate that the memory is already fading. We posed for the photo and then we said goodbye, that I’d see her at the autograph table. I don’t know how she does that kind of event; I’d be completely overwhelmed. My photo was printed right there and I collected it on the way out. I wish I was happier with it: my fringe rarely looks good in photos and I feel like I never look like myself in posed photos. But, as it turned out, it was the autograph moment that was really special.
The adrenaline was still pumping, my hands shaking, when I met up with Mum outside the photo booth and it took almost an hour for me to calm down. The adrenaline crash was making me feel sick and I was obsessing a bit over whether I should’ve done the autograph before the photo, whether I’d been too enthusiastic, and so on and so forth. The photo session had ended and, after taking a photo with Matt Smith, Amanda was back at the autograph table. I was really stressing about messing up but I knew that putting if off was just giving me more time to worry. At that moment, the queue was pretty short so I joined the end and pulled out the photo I’d printed for her to sign.
The photo sparked surprise from her helper person – I think everyone had one to take care of the admin of checking everyone off and getting names right – about her with long, dark hair, which Amanda laughed about and I expressed my love of Sanctuary and how important the show was to me, how it always will be. I gave her the letter I’d written, briefly explaining that I’m autistic and had worried that I’d get too overwhelmed to talk, which she took in stride (I was feeling pretty overwhelmed, talking to her face to face – although having no one behind me, waiting for me to move on, did help). I also gave her the bracelets I’d made and she was so gracious and so lovely about them, instantly noticing that both Mum and I were wearing others that I’d made. The conversation actually felt surprisingly easy and, like any fan I think, I couldn’t help wishing I had hours to talk to her and ask her questions. My Mum also grabbed a moment with her, thanking her for everything she’s done for me – for how much her presence in my life has helped me – from one mother to another. We all ended up quite emotional and Amanda stood up and gave us both a hug, saying that we’d made her weekend. I’m sure that we’re one of multiple moments that made her weekend but that meant a lot to me; I treasure that comment.
I was beyond hyped and very emotional after that and needed a quiet moment to myself in the bathrooms in order to bring everything back down to manageable levels, levels where I wouldn’t get tipped into a meltdown by the business and background noise of the convention. And by the time I’d managed that, it was time for the Clark Gregg and Iain De Caestecker talk.
Clark Gregg is so lovely, warm and open and affable, and although he was quieter, Iain De Caestecker seemed really nice too. They were clearly really good buddies and they told lots of funny stories; they were very enjoyable to listen to. It was really cool to hear how they got into acting and how some of their early roles shaped them and their approaches to their careers and their new projects sound interesting, although I’m not entirely sure Iain’s is my thing. They talked a little bit about Agents of SHIELD but I couldn’t help wishing that they’d talked about it a bit more, about their experiences on the show and with their castmates. I’m pretty sure everyone there was an Agents of SHIELD fan and would’ve welcomed any behind the scenes stories. On that note, I’m still sad about missing Ming Na Wen when my anxiety forced me to cancel and I would LOVE to see Chloe Bennet at a convention, although I’m not sure she does them anymore; she hasn’t done one in years, pandemic irrelevant. I can only imagine what an absolute mess I’d be if I had the opportunity to meet her, given how important the character of Daisy Johnson is to me; her acting is, of course, a big part of that.
When the talk ended, Mum and I found a table tucked away and had some lunch. We ended up chatting with a man who had a service dog, a gorgeous yellow lab or golden retriever, I wasn’t quite sure. But he was lovely and that got us talking. Now that I’ve been accepted to Autism Dogs‘ service dog programme (yes, I am SO excited about getting a service dog but I want to talk about that properly in its own post because the whole thing is a really big deal), I’m always keen to talk to people about their experiences and about their service dogs. This guy – he was also autistic but had his service dog due to being in the armed forces – patiently talked with me about his previous and current service dogs and even showed me photos of his dogs meeting various famous people; that made me laugh. While obviously not a good reason for trying to get an Autism service dog, I think that must be a super cool way of raising awareness about Autism and the needs of autistic individuals: posting pictures of your service dog with someone famous.
When the time rolled around, me and Mum headed down to the little auditorium area. I ended up making friends with someone in the queue and we spent the wait, discussing how much we love Amanda Tapping, about Stargate SG-1 and Sanctuary. She was having a hard time and, as the only person there, I did my best to keep her occupied until the talk began and then we were all absolutely occupied by Amanda. She walked out onto the stage and I noticed straight away that she was wearing three of the bracelets I’d made her – I thought I might explode with joy. (I couldn’t see, at the time, which ones she’d chosen and my photos turned out not to be clear enough. I ended up scouring social media for photos that would reveal them and, although it took several days, I did eventually get to see which ones they were, which made me very happy.)
I’ve always found Amanda to be a beautiful, thoughtful speaker. Even when answering questions from the audience, questions she couldn’t have prepared for, she speaks well, earnest and personable and funny, always engaged with both the person who asked the question and the audience as a whole. I think it’s because everything she does comes from a place of empathy. All of that said, the talk was really interesting and enjoyable. She told stories, from the set of Stargate SG-1 and Supernatural, and joked around with the host; she talked about her upcoming projects (although the future is very unknown with the writer’s strike going on) and how she’d been thinking about the future and what she wants to do next, how she’s told her agents that she wants to act again. That was very exciting to everyone. She also shared quite a lot about her life, like stories from quarantine times and how she prepares for these events and recovers after, and it was so lovely and such an honour to get a little glimpse into her world. The one thing that I felt was missing was any talk of Sanctuary, especially as her most recent starring role and a project that was such a world unto itself, driven by this small, emotionally invested circle. It would’ve made the experience perfect to hear a couple of stories from that time. I kept waiting for her to mention it or someone to ask a question about it but nobody did. I’d finally gathered the courage to put my hand up and ask a question about it (I can’t remember what it was now – probably something about how it differed to other shows she’s been a part of or about the character of Helen Magnus, another of my absolute favourite characters of all time) but it was too late; we’d run out of time and they weren’t taking anymore questions. But it was fine. The day had been amazing and the fact that I’d even considered asking a question was a really big deal. Maybe next time I go to a similar event, I’ll actually manage to ask one.
So, yes. As I said, it was an amazing day and an amazing experience, despite all of my anxiety around. It took me a while to process it all but when I finally felt like I could put at least some of it into words, I posted this…
When Amanda’s talk finished, Mum and I got going, heading back to the station and catching the train towards Manchester. Having been accepted by the Autism Dogs charity, we wanted to go to their fundraiser the next day to show our support and our gratitude. It was a bit of a trek though, especially after such a long, emotional day. I’d planned to work on the train but I was so tired that I ended up putting my head down on the table and sleeping for more than two hours. Oops.
It was pouring with rain when we arrived – absolutely tipping it down – and since our hotel didn’t do dinner, we picked up fish and chips and the hotel was really lovely and accommodating in letting us eat in our room. I was still falling asleep, literally wherever I stopped (like leaning on the bannister while the hotel staff member retrieved plates and cutlery for us); I barely made it through my dinner. We ended the day watching one of the Sanctuary episodes I had on my laptop (and were properly weirded out, watching Amanda with long, dark hair after just talking to her in person with short, blonde hair). We were both asleep early, probably by ten and definitely by eleven.
SUNDAY
Exhausted from the day before, it was a struggle to wake up early but I did eventually manage to force myself out of bed. The shower was super slippery and I nearly fell over several times, which was a bit scary, but I did survive – just – and then ran around like a headless chicken as I got myself ready and packed up. The cab was already waiting when I was done but then I got lost twice on my way out of the hotel. So… not the most graceful beginning to a day.
My Mum and I spent the morning at the Autism Dogs fundraiser, which was really enjoyable. We ate cake, met some gorgeous dogs, and watched the dogs compete in some very adorable competitions, including waggiest tale and several rounds of musical sits. It was all very cute.
The event being so far away meant that we didn’t know anyone there (apart from a few people from Autism Dogs) but we met a really nice family and ended up spending most of our time chatting to them (and their gorgeous dog). It was a really nice morning.
Then it was back to the station, a really long wait for the train, and a long series of trains home. The only thing of note was a really adorable corgi on one of them. I could definitely see myself having a corgi. But beyond that, it was long and cold and monotonous. I was completely exhausted – physically, mentally, and emotionally – so I didn’t manage to do anything on the journey; I ended up alternating between scrolling through social media and sitting back with my eyes closed.
Getting home was a great relief. It had been a really good weekend but, as exhausted as I was and needing to process everything that had happened, I really needed some time in my safe space without loads of people around. I was delighted to see the cats too; I hate being away from them. I went to bed ridiculously early and was asleep in minutes.
This post is – clearly – quite late. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if anyone cared, a fear that I often have about this blog, especially in my lower moments. But this blog really matters to me so I’m trying to ignore those whispers. This was a really cool week where some really special things happened and so I came back to it and pushed myself to get it done. I hope you enjoyed it, or at least found it interesting. It’s kind of funny; I think these are the posts where you can potentially learn the most about me but because they’re so busy, with so much happening in each one, that fact sometimes goes unnoticed. I don’t know. Maybe that’s just my runaway brain overthinking.
I hope you’re all doing well.
Finding Hope 