Finding HopeFebruary Album Writing Month 2024
Posted on April 9, 2024
Yes, I’m very aware that February is long gone but I really needed to write that last post and I just didn’t feel like I could post anything else until I’d gotten that out of my system. But now I have and hopefully I can post a bit more regularly; I’ve missed writing and posting here. As I said in my previous post, I’d planned to take a break at the beginning of the year, to complete some of my unfinished posts and to clear the cobwebs from my brain but then that obviously didn’t happen. But now that I’m writing again, hopefully I can get those finished up and get back to writing about some of the things going on in the present.
Anyway, back to FAWM…
I wrote eleven songs during the twenty-nine days of February, not quite meeting the February Album Writing Month goal of fourteen songs but I’m not worried about that. As you’ll know if you read my last post, there was a lot of stuff – a lot of very emotional, upsetting stuff – going on and so I’m pretty proud of myself for writing anything at all. But not only that, I wrote some songs that I’m really, really proud of. Over the month, I shared snippets of the songs on TikTok and, while I always enjoy sharing songs, there are some that I’d rather not talk about in detail, for various reasons. So I’ll write about a few of them and leave the others open to interpretation…
- Mess You Made – I’d been turning this song over in my head for a while before FAWM started but the challenge gave me the push to sit down and actually write it. I wanted to write about a past experience that had been really traumatic and how, even though you can get over and past the actual thing, it can be so much harder to get over how it affected you. I don’t care about the person who hurt me anymore – I honestly couldn’t care less about her and her life – but I’m still carrying a lot of trauma from what she did to me; I’m still working through it.
- Too Complicated – I wrote this song about my experience of repeatedly being called ‘too complicated’ by healthcare workers and the impact that that’s had on me and on my sense of self. On the one hand, it’s just scary to be told that you’re too difficult to treat and it becomes hard to believe that you’ll ever get better. But it also really messes with your head to hear, over and over again, that you are too complicated, too complex, too difficult. And then be tossed aside and forgotten about because of it. So I wrote about that feeling, which was a pretty cathartic experience.
- In The Trees – The theme of another challenge was to write about nature and I’d been thinking about that a lot, about how I could write a song that didn’t feel contrived or like it could’ve been written by anyone. There were lots of images I was inspired by, like Halley’s Comet and flowers growing through concrete and how nature always reclaims the urban landscape, but I hadn’t been able to turn any of them into a specific song. And then I remembered the urge I often have to flee civilisation and live in a cabin in the woods, away from people and overstimulation and conflict, etc. It’s a desire that I’ve heard from multiple neurodivergent people, which is interesting, so I wrote that song: escaping into the woods and the feelings that that thought inspired in me.
- Control – I’ve had this chorus in my head for a long time and I’d always thought I’d end up using it in a song about myself, about anxiety and feeling out of control. But then, in February, I watched someone I had always thought of as so steady spin out of control and take it out on me. It was an upsetting and painful and traumatising experience but it helped to be able to pour all of those feelings straight into a song, to express all of that anger and hurt and feel heard. If I had to list my songs in order of how therapeutic they were to write, this one would be high on the list.
- If I Could Go Back – I wrote this song, thinking about how I might’ve handled a heartbreak differently, how I’d potentially handle it if it happened now. At the time, I was still a teenager and it was my first real heartbreak and I was just floored by it. But now, years later, I’m less uncomfortable with being angry and so, while there probably wouldn’t be as much vandalism as depicted in the song, there would likely be more confrontation. It also touches on the idea of whether or not you’d still want to know someone regardless of how the relationship ended…
- Guilty Verdict – I’ve been thinking about this song for years. A friend of mine shared with me a traumatic experience she’d gone through and how the perpetrator has never been punished for it. That’s obviously her story to tell and I would never take that away from her but I’ve struggled with the heaviness of it all for a long time and so I would imagine various scenarios where he got what he deserved; in this song, I wrote about ruining his life and his reputation and ending up in court but there was no evidence to convict me and I used my testimony to accuse him publicly of his crimes. It was very satisfying to envision and then write but I think, if something ever did happen to him, it would potentially make me suspect number one.
- Go Ahead And Gaslight Me / Something To Prove (I still haven’t decided on the title) – During a series of very intense and emotional interactions in February, I felt very manipulated and gaslit by the other person (which was, obviously, an awful experience) but what inspired the song was that the breakdown of this relationship was how closely it mirrored a similar experience from years earlier (which I’d talked about with this person extensively). Back then, it took me a long time to untangle it all but, this time, I saw it all as it was happening. I was so angry and hurt that this person would treat me that way, let alone in the exact way they knew had been traumatic for me, that I wrote this song as a way of processing the end of the relationship because that was something I could never forgive; that trust just could not be repaired.
Writing one song on guitar (left) and trying to write another song on guitar while Izzy watched closely (right).
Given everything that’s been going on, it was unexpectedly useful to have the external pressure to write because it forced me to work through my feelings straight away: all of the anger and hurt and grief was taking up so much space in my brain so it was… therapeutic, to a certain extent, to write about them while I was still in them. It wasn’t like there was much space for any other feelings so they were the obvious ones to draw from and write about. For most of my songwriting career, I’ve written about experiences and emotions after the fact – after they’re over and I’ve reflected on them pretty extensively – but the timing of this challenge meant that I was writing about these feelings as I was experiencing them, as they were ebbing and flowing, as they were evolving. It was a very strange experience but not one I regret (the writing process that is; I’m definitely not so sanguine about everything that happened during the month that inspired those songs).
In previous years, I would’ve been frustrated that I didn’t meet the official goal and probably would’ve beaten myself up over ‘not trying hard enough’ but I really have no interest in doing that this year; I don’t feel the need to either. I did say this last year but the circumstances were very different. My mindset around creating feels really different as of quite recently and I think there’s been a lot of growth. Creating feels exciting and limitless in a way that I don’t think I’ve ever felt; if I have felt it before, it’s been a very, very long time.
February Album Writing Month 2022
Posted on March 1, 2022
Over the last few years, I’ve been attempting the challenge of February Album Writing Month, also known as FAWM. For those of you who don’t know, FAWM is an annual songwriting challenge where all of the participants attempt to write fourteen songs in the twenty-eight days of February. I wrote about my history with this challenge in last year’s post so I won’t repeat myself but I look forward to it every year.
Even before 2022 began, I knew it was unlikely (very unlikely) that I was going to be able to complete the challenge this year, or even do it at all, given how badly the ADHD meds were affecting me. I was so anxious and depressed that I could barely get out of bed – for months – let alone write. Not that my brain was working anyway: my creative brain seems to go into hibernation when I’m depressed. But then, after I stopped taking the ADHD meds and started taking antidepressants again, a song dropped into my lap and I thought that maybe I could use the challenge to get back into writing, even if I didn’t manage to write fourteen songs. So here are some the songs that I wrote (there are a few that I don’t want to write about right now because I don’t know what’s going to happen with them and/or they’re not mine to talk about)…
- Eventually – I’ve done a lot of writing from the perspectives of different characters over the last year and I really enjoy it; it feels really different and I love the challenge of trying to get make the song sound like the character, like using certain words and avoiding others. It needs to sound like them. I love it. This song just appeared as if out of thin air and came together like magic. It’s from the point of view of Daisy Johnson from Agents of SHIELD in the gap between Season 3 and Season 4 when she left SHIELD because she felt like everything that happened – all of the tragedy – was her fault and that the people she cared about were in danger because of her. It’s a really sad song and not a hundred miles away from how I’ve been feeling recently, the depth of the sadness and grief. But it was good to write and I’m proud of it.
- More Time – Another fiction-based song, this one was inspired by Mary and Francis from Reign. I haven’t watched it in years but I always loved the two of them together and the fact that they never got the happy ending they deserved always made me really sad. I’d like to write a song envisioning that happy ending but this one was from Mary’s point of view grieving Francis’ death and mourning the life they should’ve had together. It’s not perfect yet but I think it’s a solid first draft.
- My Voice – This song was also inspired by fiction. I wanted to write a song about reclaiming your life, your voice, after it feels like everything has been taken away from you. When it feels like you can either burn everything down and run or stand your ground, you stand your ground, even if it isn’t pretty. I’m not sure the first draft is right yet but there are a lot of lines that I’m really proud of so it feels like a good start. While inspired by a fictional story, it also applies to my life, which – to be fair – many of my fiction-based songs do. Sometimes I just need some help to put it all into words.
- You – I wrote a love song! I’ve written very few love songs in my time – songs about love being good, at least – so it’s always a bit of a moment when I do write one. This one is also based on fictional characters but I loved their dynamic so I had to write about it: an instant something that, over time, turns into more. And the fictional storyline had some great visuals to pull into the lyrics, the part I’m most proud of. The whole song felt very in keeping with the character whose perspective I’d borrowed and that was very pleasing.
- Making Up Memories – It took a while but I finally wrote a FAWM 2022 song about me and my life, although it is based on a dream I had. I was unexpectedly called by someone that I’ll never hear from again and it was like I’d slid sideways into a parallel universe because they were acting so normal while it felt like my head was exploding. It’s a dream that’s stayed very vivid over the years, especially since I wrote down exactly what we said to each other before it faded. But the whole thing – all of the colours, sensations, feelings – is still so clear and I’ve always wanted to write a song about it. I’ve been moving the pieces around for a long time but I think I’ve finally got the lyrics how I want them. I’m not sure about the melody – I might take it to one of my trusted cowriters – but for now, I’m just really pleased to be happy with the lyrics.
- Closure – This song began years ago and while I loved the track, I was never happy with the topline I wrote for it. I’ve had the track on my laptop ever since and for some reason, I just pulled it out and started to fiddle with the lyrics. It was about the end of a relationship and at the time, it was still quite raw but with the perspective I’ve gained over the years, it was easier to put those feelings into words. I’m not sure it’s finished but the amount of progress in one redraft (basically a re-writing with all the work done) is kind of mind-blowing.
- Control – Over a year ago, I wrote a song for a uni assignment and, to be honest, hated it and so abandoned it. But recently I’ve been thinking about a specific section of that song and how much I liked and related to that part, even though the song as a whole was fictional. So I took that section of the song, used it as a chorus, and built a whole new song around that. I’m really excited to work on it further.
- Drown – I didn’t finish this one but I was working on it when the clock ran out so I’m going to include it. It’s about how, being autistic, I not only feel my own emotions really strongly but also those of the people around me. It’s a lot of emotion to deal with and it can feel really overwhelming. I’ve wanted to write about this for ages but I haven’t been able to get it right. I’m still not sure I have but I’m trying. I’m still playing with it.
Had this been another year, I would not be happy with having not reached the goal of fourteen songs but the last few months have been so awful that I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to write at all. So eight (plus) songs after months of depression and no writing at all is definitely progress and I’m proud of that. It’s been really fun to write again and it’s reminded me why I love it and why I wish I could spend all of my time doing it.
I do want to write more about how my depression (and medication) affects my writing but I think that deserves its own space. So that’s another post for another day. I hope everyone who took part in FAWM enjoyed themselves, whether you reached the goal or not, and I look forward to doing the challenge again next year, as well as working on the songs I’ve been writing over the last month.
February Album Writing Month 2021
Posted on March 1, 2021
So, every February for the last several years, I have been attempting FAWM or February Album Writing Month, an annual songwriting challenge where participants try to write 14 songs in the 28 days of February. And it’s definitely a challenge. If you have a job, are in some form of education, or have time consuming responsibilities (such as looking after family, handling health issues, etc), you likely have limited time to write. But having a time based challenge like FAWM – with a Twitter spitting out prompts and forums full of people sharing ideas and tips – can be a really great way to help carve out some time and boost motivation. I’ve always found it to be a great experience, one that has produces really interesting songs, whether I actually manage to complete the challenge or not.
I completed it last year and wrote some songs I’m really proud of it, plus I had so much fun, so I was really excited to do it again this year. I was collecting ideas and come 1st February, I was raring to go but then a lot of difficult medical stuff came up, hitting me like a ton of bricks. All of that really messed with my head and it suddenly felt a lot harder to manage everything: my physical health, my mental health, my uni work, writing at all, let alone extra writing. I felt like I was constantly on the edge of burning out. But then, as time passed and I worked my way out of the fog, I was able to focus on songwriting again and, for the second year in a row, I managed to complete the challenge of writing 14 songs in 28 days.
These are the songs I wrote:
- One More Time – Coming out of a really tough time, I think I wrote this song kind of to myself, encouraging and reminding myself to get up ‘one more time’ because that’s the only way to get through. It was hard to write but I knew the moment I hit the right chorus and I just fell in love with it. It’s definitely one I’d like to release at some point; hopefully it can can do the same thing for someone else as it did for me.
- Astronaut – Having always been fascinated with space and the stars, I was always going to end up writing at least one song about being an astronaut (funnily enough, the FAWM Twitter’s prompt the next day was about being an astronaut). I’m not sure it’s quite there yet but I feel like it’s a really solid foundation and I do love some of the lyrics and melodies, so it’s just about really tightening it up, I think.
- Half of the Conversation – This song started as a cowriting exercise in a uni seminar and we all liked what we came up with so much that we kept booking sessions together until we finished a first draft. One of the group wants to use it, which the rest of us are totally happy with. So I’m currently trying to arrange a session with him to redraft and make sure he’s happy with it.
- Taking Care of Me – This one is another cowrite with a friend/coursemate. We’ve been meaning to write together for ages and we finally managed to make it work (with plans for another session to redraft and make the song the best it can be). We had a really fun session that started on one idea and ended up on a completely different one, about practicing setting boundaries and making time for yourself and putting yourself first when you feel that it’s best for you. I really like what we came up with, plus it has one of the oddest lyrics I’ve ever strung together in it.
- Prison (Redraft) – I first wrote ‘Prison’ during FAWM last year and was really proud of it as a first draft but with the pandemic and then going back to uni, I haven’t managed to work on it again until now. I’m really pleased with the new and improved version and I feel like the metaphor is even stronger.
- Keep The Memories – I wrote this song with a friend/coursemate, about a person who screwed me over and really messed me up (although I should’ve seen it coming). We have quite different styles but we ended up with something really cool, something that I definitely wouldn’t have done on my own. I’m still tidying it up and refining it but it was a really fun experiment and I’m pleased with it as a first draft.
- Roots (Redraft) – I cowrote this with a friend/coursemate just before FAWM began and then, during FAWM, we had another session where we worked on it. We both really loved the first draft but we experimented with some sections and refined others and hopefully made it better. I think it’s one of my favourite cowrites to have been a part of.
- Father’s Eyes – I wrote this song with the same person I cowrote ‘Roots’ with and while it was hard to write – writing about my Dad always is – I feel good about what we’ve come up with. It’s not exactly comfortable but it’s honest and special and I’m grateful to have had someone I felt safe with to explore the idea and write the song with. I’m looking forward to working on it more and getting it just right. That will feel really good.
- Last One Standing – Since the pandemic, I’ve been experimenting with writing stories based on fictional stories and characters. This particular one is about Daisy Johnson from Agents of Shield, possibly my all time favourite show, about her owning how truly powerful she is and how important SHIELD and what SHIELD stands for are to her. I love this song so much. I’ve already edited the lyrics a few times to make sure it’s as clear and impactful as possible and I think it’s really close to being done.
- Soul – Another fiction-based song, this one is from the perspective of Emily Byrne from Absentia, another of my favourite shows. It covers some of her emotional processing at the end of Season 1, after her trauma, after being on the run, after the mystery is (apparently) solved. It’s not my favourite song I’ve written but the idea and the melody just wouldn’t let me go. Maybe I’ll come back to it at some point and find a better way to do what I was trying to do.
- Ashes – This one is another Daisy Johnson inspired song, inspired by the end of Season 3 where *SPOILER ALERT* she abandons SHIELD to go after the Watchdogs (as we later find out in Season 4). We don’t see her make that decision in the show and I’ve always been intrigued by the various ways it might’ve played out. I wrote this from her perspective, when she’s still very much drowning in her guilt and pushing away all the people that care about her.
- Hurricane – I already have a song called ‘Hurricane’ but when it comes to this song, not only is ‘Hurricane’ a working title but I highly doubt I’ll ever release this song. It was another experiment, another Absentia inspired song based on the early interactions between Emily and Cal and how their traumatic experiences give them a deep understanding of each other, something that they haven’t received from anyone else. I always really liked that about their relationship, that even though their experiences were different, there was a level of understanding unique to the two of them, something that strengthens both of them. So I tried to write a song about it. Again, I’m not sure I’ve gotten it right yet but there are parts of it that I really like.
- Monster – My third and final Absentia inspired song revolved around how various people and circumstances tried to turn Emily into a killer, into a monster. And when I started writing it, I intended for this version of Emily to embrace that, like, ‘Okay, you want a monster? I’ll give you a monster.’ And while that’s how the narrative played out, it became more complex. Almost of her own accord, she embraced what they’d given her (the skills, the emotional compartmentalisation, and yet this unrelenting rage, etc) and turned it back on them. She flipped the script: ‘You wanted me to be a monster? Well, here I am and this is what I’m capable of. Are you scared yet?’ It was probably the most interesting writing process during FAWM; I felt more like I was along for the ride than I had with any of the other songs. It’s not perfect yet – it needs some redrafting – but it feels like a really solid song.
- Even Me – I wrote this song with a good friend/coursemate about how, after a break up, all the things and places that were made special by the relationship feel ruined. We had such a great session: it was really productive but we also had so much fun and I’m really happy with how it’s turned out. It needs some refining but I feel like it’s a really solid first draft.
- Redraft of a friend/coursemate’s song – I didn’t cowrite this song so I don’t think it’s fair to share too much about it but a friend from my course asked if I’d help her redraft and refine a song she’d written and we had a really productive session. We did some restructuring to improve the flow of the narrative and the narrator’s journey; we switched out some lines to add emotional impact; we rewrote a section to add another layer to the situation described. The song was good already but I feel like we really tightened it up. It felt really collaborative and I had a really good time. Bringing a new idea to life is magical but there’s also something deeply satisfying about honing an idea to, hopefully, be the best it can be.
I actually worked on several more songs but didn’t manage to finish them or couldn’t arrange the cowriting sessions within the time period to finish them. And while most of these songs are still first drafts, I feel really good about a lot of them and where they’re headed. So I’m pretty proud of myself, especially considering how much I was struggling earlier in the month.
Although it’s called February ALBUM Writing Month, I don’t tend to think about writing a cohesive album, more an album’s worth of material. Creating a really good body of work takes so much thought and planning and usually a lot more than 14 songs to get a really good, cohesive body of work. But the challenge gets me so excited and energised when it comes to my songwriting that that’s the real benefit for me. I’m not going to be able to keep writing at this pace with all my uni work and health stuff going on, but I’ve really enjoyed this time to really dedicate to my writing and obviously I’m going to keep writing as much as I can around everything else I’m balancing.
I’d love to include links to these songs so that you guys could hear them (recording, production, and uploading is part of the challenge but I don’t want to put them out there when I don’t know what’s going to happen with them). I haven’t had time but, as I said, I don’t know if I’m going to release them or not and I wouldn’t want to spoil that. Because some of these songs are definitely headed for release…
Finding Hope 