The Loneliest Whale – Out Now!

NOTE: Spoilers for the documentary, The Loneliest Whale: The Search for 52.

If you follow me on any of my social media accounts, you will likely already know that my new single, ‘The Loneliest Whale,’ is officially OUT! I love this song so much and I’m so excited for you all to hear it – it is, without a doubt, one of my favourite songs I’ve ever written.


If you’re a regular on my blog, you will probably have read the posts about ‘Write This Out‘ and ‘In The Mourning,’ the two singles that I released prior to this one. ‘The Loneliest Whale’ is the first official single of my upcoming EP but the earlier songs felt really important in establishing the foundations of this new project. Plus it meant I could release more music with the EP.

I wrote this song with an amazing artist and songwriter, lukeistired, who I went to university with. It was the summer of 2021 and our course had remained online up to this point and, finally able to work onsite again, we booked a practice room and started writing this song. We made a solid start and I later finished it by myself before working on the production with my long time collaborator, Richard Marc. It was then beautifully mixed and mastered by Josh Fielden.

Photographer: Thomas Oscar Miles  // Cover Design: Richard Sanderson

The song, unsurprisingly, uses the story of The Loneliest Whale as a metaphor for the loneliness that can often come with being autistic. This whale calls at a frequency much higher than other whales (it’s believed to be a hybrid) and while other whales can hear it they can’t understand it; they can’t communicate. That was something that I desperately related to, both before and after I was diagnosed as autistic. I’ve always felt like I’m on a different, more difficult to access frequency, so I’ve had this story in the back of my mind for a really, really long time.

When I sat down to start writing songs for this project, I knew this was a story that I wanted to write a song about. Although I knew the story well, I wanted to make sure I had all of my facts right and so I started researching. But what I didn’t expect to find was just how many individuals and communities also related to this whale, how many people have made art about this whale… I was so inspired. I’d expected the song to be a lonely, melancholy one but this changed the emotional direction: the loneliness and isolation is still there but there’s also hope. It’s a much more uplifting song than I’d ever imagined it would be.

The one obvious source of research that I avoided was Joshua Zeman’s documentary, The Loneliest Whale: The Search for 52. It was a documentary that I was really excited to see but I knew that, if they did find the whale during the documentary, I would never be able to write the song I was so inspired to write. So I decided that I’d watch it after the song was finished and then, if there was anything I wanted to change about the song, I could but I could also leave it as it was.

The documentary is great and I highly recommend it (although major trigger warnings for gruesome scenes of whaling – I’m not convinced that that level of blood and violence was necessary to make the point but that’s just my personal opinion): it manages to perfectly balance the story and mythology of the whale with the physical search and all of the science involved. And while they didn’t find the whale, they do manage to record two separate whale calls at this same frequency, close together but far enough apart that they had to belong to two separate whales. So there are two of them: two 52Hz whales. The Loneliest Whale no longer needs to be lonely. I was so moved by this discovery: just as the whale is no longer lonely, neither am I.


I am so excited to finally have this song out in the world. As I said, it is one of my favourite songs I’ve ever written and I think it’s the song that I’ve had most people reach out to me about, after playing it live or sharing snippets of it here and there. It seems to really resonate with people and that is so, so special. At the heart of it all, that’s what I want for my music; all I want is for people to feel seen and heard and understood when they listen to it.

World Cat Day 2023 – The Benefits of Cats

Happy World Cat Day! I am both deeply a cat person and a dog person, even though I don’t have a dog right now, and my cats are one of the great loves of my life so, for World Cat Day, I thought I’d research and share why cats are so incredibly good for us. But before I get started with that, I wanted to share my favourite fact: we know that our relationship with cats goes back thousands of years but some research shows that cats essentially domesticated themselves in South Asia, befriending humans for a ‘mutually beneficial relationship’ (although, let’s face it, it probably started out as an easy way of getting food). (x) And clearly, we’ve always been obsessed with them: in 889 CE (also known as AD), twenty-two year old Japanese Emperor Uda described his new cat with familiar passion: “the colour of the fur is peerless,” “when it stands, its cry expresses profound loneliness, like a black dragon floating above the clouds,” and “I am convinced it is superior to all other cats.” (x) Who of us cat owners have not described our cats in similar ways and with similar pride?


IN THERAPY

  • According to the Human Animal Bond Research Institute (HABRI), pet therapy sessions have proven to decrease isolation and loneliness, increase social functioning, and improve independence in autistic individuals.
  • Cats are being used in animal-supported therapy more and more, commonly used to treat anxiety disorders, depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), as well as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) in children as they often help to keep them calm and focussed.
  • Cats (and animals in general) act as a good ice-breaker, both at the beginning of the session or if the session becomes difficult and the patient needs a moment to breathe; they serve as a positive, calming topic of conversation, a good release valve, before getting back to work.
  • Cats are a reassuring presence, good for reducing anxiety.

EFFECTS ON THE BRAIN

  • A positive bond with your pet can increase your dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin levels, the hormones known as the ‘happiness hormones.’
  • Researchers have discovered that the human brain releases endorphins when stroking a cat and when listening to a cat purring, lowering our stress levels.
  • The brain also responds to a cat’s purring by releasing serotonin.
  • Playing with your cat can raise your levels of serotonin and dopamine, relaxing the nervous system, and the ‘happiness hormones’ are stimulated when we smile or laugh or talk to our cat.
  • Studies show that the bond between a person and their pet is linked to several mental health benefits, including reduced feelings of loneliness, reduced anxiety, and reduce symptoms of PTSD.
  • According to HABRI, 74% of pet owners say that owning a pet has improved their mental health. Studies have shown that the bond between human and animal increases oxytocin levels in the brain, resulting in feelings of calm and focus.
  • Research by the Mental Health Foundation and Cats Protection, in a study of over 600 cat owners, found that 87% felt that having a cat had a ‘positive impact’ on their wellbeing and 76% reported that they felt they could cope better with their lives because of the presence and relationship with their cat.
  • It has been reported that people with pets experience less anxiety than those without. Studies have also shown that cats are beneficial in reducing anxiety, especially in certain groups such as students and autistic children.
  • Spending even twenty to thirty minutes with a pet can trigger chemical changes in the body that reduce stress, including the increase of serotonin and dopamine levels in the brain and reducing anxiety.

EFFECT ON EMOTIONS

  • Our pets love us unconditionally which is very comforting when we’re struggling or feeling lonely.
  • Animals are so present that they encourage us to do the same, to be present and mindful.
  • Researchers in 2008 found that 44% of cat owners felt ‘a sense of safety’ when with their cats.
  • Caring for someone or something other than ourselves, that relies on us, can create a sense of accomplishment, fulfilment, and confidence. And the more confidence we have in ourselves, the better we tend to feel about ourselves.
  • Polish researcher Elzbieta Budzinska-Wrzesien and her colleagues concluded that when you have a close relationship with your pet – who shows you unconditional affection and doesn’t judge you – that relationship can boost your sense of wellbeing and self esteem. This bond can relieve stress, increase social interaction, and create healthy habits.
  • The love of and for a pet can often motivate a depressed person to keep going because they know they have their pet relying on them.

EFFECTS ON THE BODY

  • Studies have shown that the bond between a person and their pet can result in many health benefits, including decreased blood pressure and cholesterol levels.
  • Multiple studies show that cats have a calming effect on us, reducing our stress to the point that we are approximately 30% (different studies show slightly different numbers) less likely to experience heart disease. Even watching videos of cats of have shown to reduce our stress.
  • Another study showed that cat owners have fewer strokes than non-cat owners.
  • Stroking and cuddling your cat can reduce the cortisol, the stress hormone, in your body, which leads to decreased heart rate, blood pressure, and anxiety.
  • Some studies have shown that having your cat close by at night results in better sleep. Cat-owners who let their cat sleep on their bed or in their bedroom said they found it easier to both fall asleep and stay asleep. Compared to dog owners and those without pets, cat owners specifically indicated waking up fewer times during the night, as well as less restlessness and fatigue.
  • A cat purring has therapeutic effects both on them and on us. Studies show that purring falls between 25 – 240Hz, the frequency known to speed up the healing of injuries, including broken bones, damaged tendons, and injured joints. Some people have even reported the purring of their cat easing their migraines too.

EFFECTS ON LIFESTYLE

  • Looking after a pet requires the ability to create and stick to a routine, time management skills, organisation, and multitasking. These skills are difficult for many people, especially individuals with ADHD, so caring for a pet can aid in building and strengthening these skills, motivated by the knowledge that your pet needs your care and attention; tasks involving them can’t be procrastinated or skipped. Over time, these skills can be harnessed for non-pet related tasks.
  • Caring for a pet can also help to build a better sense of self-esteem and can improve how pet-owners, especially those with ADHD, feel about themselves in a neurotypical society.
  • ADHD pet owners have reported feeling great pride in managing to take care of their pets, especially on their own. Sometimes it’s the first time they’ve managed to build and keep a daily schedule. This builds confidence, which goes on to affect other areas of their lives. Some reported that getting a pet is what forced them to learn and improve these skills, which resulted in them taking better care of themselves as well.

I found an excellent story during my research…

“I have a cat and I couldn’t manage without him. Yes, he provides comfort and unconditional love, but he also keeps me on track. I used to work with chimps and sign language, so when I got a kitten, I placed a very high priority on his communication skills and on shaping gestures he used naturally. I also used food puzzles and other things to keep his mind active. He knows what time I need to be up for work in the morning. Unless I tell him the night before that we can sleep in, he pokes me awake 3 or 4 minutes before the alarm. If I space out cuddling with him, he gives me a minute or so, and then he stands up and uses his limited gestures to say firmly, ‘You. GO,’ and waits to make sure I’m up before he leaves the room. He knows how long it takes me to wash and dress. If I dawdle too long deciding what to wear, he’s in the doorway checking to see what’s taking so long. If I leave something in the oven and forget about it, or leave a burner on after I’ve taken a pot off it, he lets me know. Sometimes I assume he’s just looking for attention and scold him for making a ruckus when I’m trying to focus, but if it’s a safety issue, he won’t stop until I give up and say, ‘FINE! SHOW me what’s wrong,’ and then he leads me to the stove, or wherever the issue is. He’s most certainly the grown-up in the relationship.” (x)

MY CATS

If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you’ll know that I have five cats, all related to each other. Lucy came first and then we kept her second litter of kittens, Tiger and Mouse, and then – to even the vet’s surprise – Mouse suddenly had two kittens, Sooty and Sweep, that – for a number of reasons, including the pandemic – we ended up keeping. I love them all dearly and it’s sweet how, not only have they all developed different relationships with each other, they’ve developed different relationships with me.

Lucy is my anchor. She’s always there, curled up next to me or snoozing somewhere in the same room. She doesn’t want to be cuddled all of the time but she always wants to be nearby; she likes to know what’s happening and what I’m doing. It’s very sweet. And she probably looks after me more than I look after her: she regularly checks in with me, she follows me around, she gets anxious if she can’t be in a room with me, she’s always really pleased to see me when I reappear from behind the shower curtain, she tries to usher me to bed when it gets really late and then sits with me to make sure I don’t get up again, and so on. It’s adorable. She’s the queen of the house though and she absolutely knows it.

Tiger is my snuggle buddy. Up until recently, she’d come for a cuddle now and then but she was usually too busy exploring the garden or playing with the other cats (plus she does have a favourite spot for snoozing). But after I went to the US and then Germany, it’s almost like she realised that she really doesn’t like it when I go away – I think all five cats got very comfortable with my Mum and I being home all the time since the pandemic began. As soon as I got home, she was all over me and ever since, she’s been coming to me for long cuddle sessions multiple times a day. It’s very cute, especially given how independent she was before. I’m certainly not turning her down, even if her tail is a weapon of mass disruption.

Mouse and Sweep are my floofs. Sweep has always been Mouse’s baby and they are definitely a bonded pair, which is a gorgeous thing to witness: they are curled up together all the time and even in the summer heat, they lie as close together as possible without touching (although Sweep often reaches out with her paw to touch Mouse, like she’s reassuring herself that she’s still there). Sweep frequently runs to Mouse for reassurance after something traumatic happens (the most traumatic thing to ever happen to her is the unexpected appearance of the window cleaner’s brush) or runs into the room, calling for her. It’s so cute how much she loves. She’ll rush up to Mouse and flop down on top of her, getting as close as possible, something that I’m not sure Mouse always appreciates. Mouse has always been the most skittish of the pride but she’s getting more affectionate and playful as she gets older, which is lovely. And we’ve started trying to teach them all tricks, mainly for our own entertainment, and Mouse has definitely been the fastest to pick them up. And Sweep is the complete opposite. I’ve started referring to her as ‘my little neurodivergent baby.’ I don’t know if there’s any proof that neurodiversity exists in any species other than humans but it seems unlikely that it’s just us; I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s only so obvious in humans because neurodivergent individuals are forced to live in a neurotypical society, something that animals don’t seem to have, certainly not in the same way. If those pressures aren’t there, then maybe neurodivergence doesn’t manifest in the same way. Anyway. I think of Sweep as neurodivergent because she seems to think and process completely differently to the other four, like they think in words and she thinks in pictures – or the cat equivalent. She still struggles with the cat flap, she doesn’t seem to understand how doing tricks works at all, she likes to hide away from everyone but has her special bond with Mouse, she seems to experience a lot more anxiety than the rest of them… I don’t know. She’s just very different to the others, not that we love her any less.

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Sooty is my baby. She’s always seemed to think of me as her mother, even when she was a teeny tiny kitten. I wonder if that’s because Sweep and Mouse are always so entangled but whatever the reason, it’s adorable and I’m not turning down her affections. She always wants to sit on the sofa with me, demanding that I stretch out my legs so that she can stretch out between them; it’s her favourite spot. She’s also very playful and she and Lucy are a particularly playful pair, although she’ll play with anyone who will engage with her. She still feels very much a baby, Sweep too, even though they’re four now (which seems unbelievable to me but then I guess the pandemic really screwed with our perception of time) and that’s very sweet. I kind of hope she always will; I think she’ll probably always be my baby (although, to a degree, they’re all my babies).

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APRIDEOFCATS

To avoid overwhelming people with cat pictures on my Instagram, which is focussed on me as a singersongwriter, I created a new account, aprideofcats, so that I could post as many as I wanted. It’s as much as for my own entertainment as anything else. I stopped using it for a while – when I was struggling with social media in general – but I’ve recently started posting on it and having a great time, trying to choose between the ridiculous amount of cute pictures that I have of them.


So there you have it: concrete evidence that cats are amazing. I’m just kidding, although I do love cats and my cats in particular. I think it’s fascinating that just spending time with animals – and in this case, cats – can have such dramatic effects on us and our health, physical and mental. I hope this has been interesting and fun and if you liked the cute little faces of my cats, please do follow my cat instagram: there will be plenty more photos of them going up.

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Mental Health Awareness Week 2022

I have to admit that I often struggle with Mental Health Awareness Week, particularly the flooding of social media with “it’s okay not to be okay” and “reach out to someone if you need help”; it makes me want to scream in frustration because we are so far past that. If we’re going to create better support for mental health, we need more than that. This year, the theme is loneliness, which is an apt one, two years and change into this pandemic. I’m certainly seeing a lot of loneliness around at the moment: those with mental health issues, disabled individuals, people who are still shielding and feeling abandoned by society because of the dropped mandates… I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in or from Ukraine right now…

All of these situations need to be talked about and since the Mental Health Foundation is encouraging everyone to share their experiences with loneliness for Mental Health Awareness Week, I thought I’d write about my experience, as a disabled person with mental health issues.


This is something I find kind of hard to talk about. I guess talking about it – and writing about it – makes me feel a little guilty because I’m not alone. I know I’m not alone. I have a great family and some really wonderful friends who have been there for me through some really tough stuff. They try so hard to make sure that I don’t feel alone. Fortunately, we – as people – don’t need to understand each other’s experiences point for point to find friendship and create those important, supportive bonds: I have a friend who has experienced very different trauma to me but there have been a lot of similarities throughout both of our journeys that have made it possible for us to relate to each other. I’m grateful for that, more than I can say.

But it’s also true that I do, often and increasingly, feel alone, feel lonely. And I think that that’s because no one – no one I’ve found at least – really understands what it’s like to be in my head, in my body, in my life, dealing with the problems that I have and the ripple effect that they can create. I’ve had multiple doctors and medical services simply stop helping me (or refuse to help me at all) because my case is “too complicated.” These are the professionals – the people who are supposed to really know and understand this stuff – and even they don’t know what to do with me (and those abandonments, plus other abandonments in my life, have left me with a lot of issues and fears that I have to work on every day). I think the issue is compounded by the fact that I have multiple diagnoses so, even though I may fit into the autistic community, I still don’t feel like I fit in because I also have OCD and BPD and so on; I can’t imagine there are many people who fit into the same community as me when the criteria is so narrow. I’m also not entirely convinced by the idea of community based on diagnosis either, to be honest, especially when the diagnosis covers such a range of symptoms, behaviours, and experiences, like Autism Spectrum Disorder. Anyway, my point is that I don’t feel like I fit in, even with the people that, on paper, I would likely get along with.

As I said, I’m not alone. Even though I’ve never felt like I quite fitted in, I have some great friends and friends from all areas of my life: school, sixth form, uni, Masters, as well as stuff outside education… But I can’t always keep up with my friends, with my peers, and I can’t always do the things I wish I could and I find that so hard. I always end up feeling like there’s a gap between me and everyone else and it’s lonely. Not being able to physically keep up with those around me means that I often feel left out – even if that’s nobody’s intention. And there’s a level of embarrassment and shame about being the one who can never keep up, the one who is always asking people to wait, always having to double check or change or cancel plans. I don’t know where that comes from – I know my friends would never want me to feel like that. But still, it’s there. It widens the gap and it makes that loneliness worse.

The older I get, the more I notice it – the gap. While I spend my time trying different medications, going to appointments for my physical and mental health, and resting after doing what I can manage to do, a lot of my friends are pursuing PhDs, establishing careers, living independently, and building lasting relationships. Our life experiences are just so different. And the longer it goes on, the bigger the disconnect feels. It just feels like the future is full of loneliness and I don’t know what to do with that.


I know this is kind of a depressing post. It’s a depressing truth, although it might have come out differently if I weren’t coming off my antidepressants; if I were in a better place mentally, I might have a more hopeful outlook. I don’t know.

I don’t think it’s a bad theme – loneliness can have a devastating impact on a person’s mental health – but the Mental Health Foundation’s website says that they want to “shatter the stigma around loneliness” and while I can’t say that there’s no stigma associated with loneliness, I can think of so many things that might have more impact as a theme, might make more of a difference, like access to mental health support or the impact of social media or… I don’t know, something more specific than loneliness or nature (last year’s theme). (I talked about this more in my Mass Observation Day post.) As I said at the beginning of this post, I find Mental Health Awareness Week difficult because I so often feel like the information being circulated is somewhat obvious, that we could – and should – be going deeper. I guess it all just feels a bit surface level but I don’t know how that changes, if anyone else even feels this way. It just doesn’t feel like enough. It’s one week a year and it doesn’t feel like enough.