Posted on April 13, 2019
This trip to Nashville wasn’t exactly what I’d expected. I’d had this vision of going out there and writing a load of songs and going to show after show after show and seeing all the friends I’ve made out there. I managed to do some of those things – and I’m really proud of what I achieved – but my mental health really dominated the trip, much more than I’d hoped it would.
We got off to a pretty rocky start when I forgot to take my medication the night before we flew out. We had to leave at two o’clock in the morning so I never really went to bed and therefore my nightly routine was disrupted. Plus I was excited and nervous and just generally all over the place. We got to the airport and I couldn’t even walk the distance to security, I was so completely out of energy. I thought it was the lack of sleep and stress of travelling but I physically couldn’t do it. We ended up asking the airport staff for assistance and they were absolutely amazing, at every airport we travelled through over the trip: they got me a wheelchair and took me wherever I needed to be, getting me early access to the planes, and so on. It was so helpful and honestly made the whole thing possible. I don’t know what I would’ve done without their help. It took a few days to recover and it was only then that we realised what had caused it.
The reason we go at this time of year is because the Nashville Songwriters Association International hold the Tin Pan South songwriters festival, where hundreds of songwriters perform songs that they’ve written. They have a great mix of famous and up and coming so you get a lot of different, beautifully written songs. All of the shows that I went to were good and some of them were fantastic. My favourites include Lori McKenna, Alyssa Micaela, Emily Shackelton, Hannah Ellis, Natalie Hemby, and Travis Meadows. They were truly incredible.
There were a couple of other musical highlights too. By some wonderful coincidence, Kelly Clarkson was playing the Bridgestone Arena while we were in Nashville. I’ve always wanted to see her and I’ve always wanted to go to a show at Bridgestone. And to make it even sweeter, Kelsea Ballerini – who I LOVE – was opening. So it was perfect. The show was amazing and I had a blast. Totally a bucket list moment.
The other musical highlight was getting to see my friend, Caylan Hays, perform. We’ve written together several times and on my last trip, she came to see me play a gig and by another beautiful coincidence, she was playing on the last night of our stay. She was fantastic. She’s such a talented writer and I love her voice. Throw in some gorgeous electric guitar and I was in love. You can check out her music here.
And of course, I got to go to two Song Suffragettes rounds. I love this organisation with my whole heart and so it meant so much to me to see both shows while I was there. They – the people who run it and the girls who play – are so inspiring and I hope I can play with them again someday.
I had several writing sessions while we were there and for the most part, they were a struggle. I love the people I was writing with dearly but my brain still isn’t right: a casualty of my depression and the medications I’m taking. We’re still trying to find the balance where I’m emotionally stable and not creativity stifled. Still, I’m trying and I so appreciate these writers for having patience with me while I work through this. I also got to spend some time with friends, old and new, and they really inspired me in this dark patch of my life.
But throughout the trip, I really, really struggled. My anxiety was so high that I actually had trouble breathing and my depression was so overwhelming that I found myself falling apart (even in public places, which I’m usually able to avoid doing) multiple times. There were lots of tears and lots of Diazepam; it was very hard. I struggled desperately with wanting to go home and I was battling suicidal thoughts (helpfully described by Claudia Boleyn as, “my brain trying to kill me”) for most of the trip. In truth, it was a bit of a nightmare but there were some really great moments that helped me manage it and of course, I had my wonderful people (my Mum and my writing partner, Richard Sanderson) there to support me. The trip wouldn’t have been possible without them.
Also, shout out to Pancake Pantry for teaching me what it’s like to get excited about food.
Posted on April 6, 2019
Hello friends! I’m back from Nashville! I’m jet lagged as hell right now so a full blog post is a bit much for me but I did one of these last year and really enjoyed it so I thought I’d do it again. So here are thirteen (well, actually fourteen) songs for the thirteen days I was in Nashville…
FRIDAY – ‘Great Ones’ by Maren Morris (written by Maren Morris, Ryan Hurd, and Mikey Reaves)
Maren Morris is one of my all time favourite artists and songwriters and I spent the journey listening to her new album, ‘Girl’. It usually takes me a while to get into new albums but this song immediately jumped out at me as a favourite. I love the detail in the lyrics and the congruence of the mythical, atmospheric production. It just gives me this sense that love like that is really possible when I often doubt that.
You’re the perfect storm
So let it pour down on me
If they tell the story in a hundred years
No one would believe that you and me were really here
Just a memory of what the real thing can be
SATURDAY – ‘This Town Still Talks About You’ by Natalie Hemby (written by Natalie Hemby)
I first listened to the ‘Puxico’ record on my way into Nashville and so every song reminds me of Nashville and vice versa. This song is one of my favourites (so much so that I’ve written about it multiple times). Wandering around Nashville and reacquainting myself with the city really brought it back.
Oh this town still talks about you
Like you never left
Hidden sounds in cracked sidewalks and church pews
How could we forget?
SUNDAY – ‘Loving You, Using You’ by Caylan Hays
I got to see a lot of my friend Caylan while I was in Nashville, which was absolutely wonderful. I love her a lot and her songwriting is just beautiful so of course I had to include her on this list.
Maybe I’m loving you because I’m lonely
Maybe I’m holding you because you know me
Maybe I’m loving you
Oh, because you’re lonely too
Maybe I’m here because I’m grieving
Maybe I’m terrified of leaving
Maybe I’m loving you
Maybe I’m using you
I wish I knew the truth
MONDAY – ‘Alice in Wonderland’ by Kalie Shorr
I love Kalie’s music so it was a real treat to go to Song Suffragettes and hear three new songs. The level of care and detail in her songs just takes my breath away. She’s recording her first album at the moment and I’m honestly so excited for it. She’s one special songwriter.
Before you know it every bottle says drink me
Before you know it, yeah, you’re gonna start shrinking
He’ll make you feel small, and there’s so far to fall
When you’re loving a madman
So hey Alice, how is Wonderland?
TUESDAY – ‘Humble and Kind’ by Lori McKenna (written by Lori McKenna)
On the Tuesday night, I had the pleasure of seeing Lori McKenna perform again, which is a bit of a spiritual experience, especially when it comes to this song. The lyrics, the melody, and her voice just come together in this perfect way and it’s absolutely stunning.
Hold the door, say “please”, say “thank you”
Don’t steal, don’t cheat, and don’t lie
I know you got mountains to climb
But always stay humble and kind
WEDNESDAY – ‘Rainbow’ by Kacey Musgraves (written by Kacey Musgraves, Natalie Hemby, and Shane McAnally)
This is one of my favourite Kacey Musgraves songs and it has been for years. At the late show on the Wednesday night, Natalie Hemby talked about it and then sang it and it was absolutely gorgeous. Easily one of my favourite moments of the whole festival.
Well the sky has finally opened
The rain and wind stopped blowin’
But you’re stuck out in the same ol’ storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella
Well, darlin’, I’m just tryin’ to tell ya
That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head
THURSDAY – ‘Black’ by Travis Meadows
Travis Meadows is an astounding songwriter and after missing his show last year, I was very excited to see him again this year. He was a complete standout. He told some great stories and his songs are just beautiful. The imagery and the emotion are just SO good.
You taught me there was more to life than getting by
If you want your dreams, the only limit is the sky
If you use your head, you won’t have to break your back
You taught me how to drink my coffee black
FRIDAY – ‘Miss Me More’ by Kelsea Ballerini (written by Kelsea Ballerini, David Hodges, and Brett McLaughlin) / ‘Since U Been Gone’ by Kelly Clarkson (written by Max Martin and Lukasz Gottwald)
There just so happened to be a Kelly Clarkson concert while we were in Nashville. She’s an artist I’ve always wanted to see and I’ve always wanted to see a concert in Nashville so I couldn’t resist. Plus Kelsea Ballerini was opening and I just adore her and her music. Her current single, ‘Miss Me More’ is one of my favourites off her current album, ‘Unapologetically.’
I thought I’d miss you
But I miss me more
I miss my own beat, to my own snare drum
I miss me more
Miss my own sheets in the bed I made up
I forgot I had dreams, I forgot I had wings
Forgot who I was before I ever kissed you
Yeah, I thought I’d miss you
But I miss me more
As you can imagine, Kelly Clarkson is a fantastic performer and the show was incredible. There were so many moments that took my breath away but there’s nothing quite like a whole arena screaming along to the same song. It was so much fun and so freeing.
But since you’ve been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I’m so moving on
Thanks to you
Now I get what I want
Since you’ve been gone
SATURDAY – Born on a Windy Day by Anna Vaus
On the last day of the festival, I went to a really good show. It was really hard to choose a song for this day but this song by Anna Vaus just captured my imagination. I loved the story and the imagery and I keep going back to the little video I took of it.
And a bird’s gonna fly if it’s got wings
A cowboy’s gonna run off when the sunset sings
It’s just one of those things that I can’t change
Oh, I was born, I was born on a windy day
SUNDAY – ‘I’ll Be There For You’ by The Rembrandts (written by Phil Solem, Danny Wilde, David Crane, Marta Kauffman, Michael Skloff, and Allee Willis)
The day after the festival finished, I was exhausted and so me and my writing partner had a chill day watching Friends while I recovered. I find it very difficult, especially in Nashville, to take down time and let go of being productive all the time. But I know that I have to build in recovery time because otherwise I burn out and have meltdowns. So we took a day off and watched Friends, hence this song choice.
So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job’s a joke, you’re broke
Your love life’s D.O.A
It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear
When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month
Or even your year
MONDAY – ‘Hypocrite’ by Savannah Keyes
I met Savannah when we played Song Suffragettes together and I love her and her music so much. Her lyric writing is just so detailed and clever. I’m so excited that she’s releasing music and this is her first single, which she played at the Song Suffragettes round I went to that night. I love her performance of it; she’s so cheeky and honest.
We all wish we weren’t so human sometimes
But we’re trying, yeah, we’re trying
We all wish we weren’t so human sometimes
But I’m trying, damnit, I’m trying
TUESDAY – ‘Flavor’ by Maren Morris (written by Maren Morris, Jimmy Robbins, and Laura Veltz)
Maren Morris is pretty much always on in the background of my life, ever since I discovered her first EP, so it’s not surprising that she features on this list so many times. I loved this song when she started playing it on tour a few years back and I’m so happy that it made the new album – it’s a true Maren Morris song.
I’m cooking up my own flavor
Even if it ain’t your style
You only see one layer
Original can take a while
Making a mess straight out of scratch
Think what you think about that
Oh I’m just tryna make good a little bit greater
I’m cooking up my own flavor
(This was also the evening I went to see Caylan (Caylan Hays) play a show and I wish I could choose all of the songs she performed. I can’t wait for her to release them – they were utterly gorgeous.)
WEDNESDAY – ‘A Song For Everything’ (written by Maren Morris, Jimmy Robbins, and Laura Veltz)
A fitting end for a trip focussed on music and songwriting. I love Maren Morris and I love this song. It’s beautifully produced and the melody and lyrics are just gorgeous. It’s definitely one of my favourite songs on the album and I only hope I can write a song as good as this one day.
One danced you through love
One rocked you through lonely
Mixtaped your heartbreak
And made you feel holy
Posted on March 22, 2019
Hurray, it’s World Poetry Day!
I love poetry. I wish I had more time to read poetry and more poetry books to read and more spoken word events to go to but there’s only so much time in a day. I resent my physical limitations and the physical limitations of the world that prevent me from reading more. But today is supposed to be good and positive and exciting. So here are some spoken word poems that I love:
Cecilia Knapp is a wonderful human being and her writing constantly inspires me. The imagery and the emotions are so rich and magical. I don’t think there’s a poem of hers that I don’t like.
I love the chaotic nature of this poem, how the rhymes spring out of nowhere. It’s so intense and emotive.
(Trigger warning for self harm and sexual assault.)
I know there are a lot of mixed opinions about Thirteen Reasons Why but I don’t want to talk about that here (I’ve written about it in this post). I want to talk about Hannah’s poem. I love the imagery and the loneliness is so intense.
This one breaks my heart, the thought that these lines could fit in both love letters and suicide notes. It’s so achingly sad.
I love the references to Van Gogh in this one. I love the pulling together of parallel stories, especially with historical figures. It reminds me that we’re all deeply connected through our lives and our stories and our pain.
Do you have any favourite spoken word pieces?
I’m off to Nashville in a few hours so I’ll see you all when I get back. If you want to follow my adventures, you can find me on Instagram.
Posted on March 16, 2019
I haven’t written much about my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, even though it’s a diagnosis that means a lot to me. It was hard fought: when my psychiatrist didn’t believe me, I presented him with all the research I could find to prove to him that it was at least worth considering. He both apologised and admitted that he was wrong, and it wasn’t long before he bestowed the diagnosis upon me. It was confirmed later that year when I got my Autism diagnosis.
The name Borderline Personality Disorder is not a clear one. People assume that there’s something wrong with your personality or that you only just have a personality disorder. Both of these assumptions are incorrect. The word ‘personality’ in personality disorder refers to the patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that are individual to each of us and the word ‘borderline’ relates back to early uses of the label, when it was thought to be a condition ‘on the borderline’ between neurosis and psychosis. Even though that has since been disproven, the name hasn’t changed although that is a popular idea. Suggestions include ‘Emotional Intensity Disorder’ and ‘Emotional Regulation Disorder.’
The symptoms include:
- Intense fear of abandonment
- Intense, unstable relationships
- An unstable sense of self
- Impulsive, self damaging behaviour
- Suicidal ideation and self harming behaviour
- Intense, unstable moods
- Feelings of emptiness
- Intense feelings of anger
- Paranoia or dissociation when under stress
I related to a lot of this: the intense emotions, the fear of abandonment, the shifting sense of self. But on the other hand I’m too anxious to be impulsive or get angry with someone. There were enough connections to keep investigating though and that’s when I discovered the quiet presentation of BPD. Where the classic presentation lashes outward, quiet borderlines internalise, blaming or harming themselves. Their fear of abandonment can make them people pleasers and they struggle with feelings of isolation and loneliness, at a higher risk of depression than the classic borderlines. This discovery changed everything; I related to almost every experience I read and that gave me the confidence to pursue it as a diagnosis.
Despite the considerable stigma around BPD, I’ve had a really good relationship with my diagnosis. After so much anxiety and uncertainty, it was empowering to have a name for my struggles and it allowed me to get the support I needed. I’m aware of how lucky I am to have found the right people but that wouldn’t have been possible without the diagnosis.
Having said all of this, my diagnosis has been causing me a lot of anxiety of late. At the end of a session, my psychiatrist made what was probably, to him, an offhand comment about my collective diagnoses, that I might not need the BPD label anymore. I was too overwhelmed by a torrent of emotion to respond before the session was over – even a short session can take me days to process – but then the anxiety began to sink in. The idea of losing it – this necessary, hard fought piece of my identity – was terrifying. Is terrifying. This label explains a big part of my daily struggles and revoking it would be so invalidating, like saying that it isn’t happening, like my difficulties aren’t significant enough to even earn themselves a name. That thought of that happening is devastating.
The symptoms still feel very present to me. I feel things so intensely; they’re like physical forces acting on me. If I’m happy, sunlight is bursting out of me; if I’m sad, my ribcage is collapsing and I can barely breathe for the pain; if I’m angry, I feel like it’s strong enough to bring down buildings. They crash over me like waves and I’m overwhelmed by this panic to get back to the surface. It’s very stressful. I read somewhere that people with BPD are constantly in crisis and I definitely relate to that. Every emotion flares with life or death situation strength and it happens over and over again. They can swing so violently that it makes me physically sick and it can feel like there’s no solid ground to stand on. It’s exhausting. I also feel the emotions of other people, particularly sadness or pain, and it can take hours or days to recover from them.
“Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering.” – Marsha Linehan
“One of the biggest things about self harm is the release you get from doing it. My emotions get so strong sometimes that I feel like there isn’t space for anything else in my body, in my brain. There isn’t the space for my lungs to expand; I can’t breathe. It almost feels like the emotion is crushing me and the only way to survive is to open up my skin so that it can escape. It’s like a pressure valve. Once I’ve done it, I feel like everything stabilises and I can think more clearly. If there’s a problem, I can deal with it and if there isn’t and it’s just an overload of emotion, I can take care of myself a little better than I could if I hadn’t.” (x)
Another example of overwhelming emotions…
The fear of abandonment is ever-present, willing or unwilling. The thought of it causes me to spiral into panic so intense that I’m unable to function. Indefinitely. I’m always running, running away from this black hole that’s trying to pull me in. Past abandonments have left me unable to talk or eat or do anything for weeks and it’s taken years to recover from them fully.
I struggle with a deep feeling of emptiness and I sometimes feel like my soul is empty, which feeds into the feeling of having no idea who I am. I feel like I have no real sense of self that’s mine: who I am seems to change according to who I’m with. I take on the traits of others, becoming loud and joke-y with one person and quiet and introspective with another. I don’t know what is actually me. I know small things, like ‘I like flowers with symmetrical petals’ and ‘comedies make me strangely sad’ but I don’t know the big things, like whether I’m a good person or a reliable person or an extraordinary person. If anything, I feel like a child, like I’m stuck as a child while all my friends turn into adults. I can’t cope on my own or look after myself reliably. I feel so intensely sensitive, like I’m too vulnerable for the world I live in and I get too overwhelmed to function properly.
To take this diagnosis away would be to say that this is normal, that I have to just live with it, regardless of the pain it causes me. To take this diagnosis away is to say that I don’t need support and that I should just ‘get on with it.’ That is so invalidating and so upsetting that just writing it brings tears to my eyes. That is why this diagnosis is so important to me and why taking it away would be so traumatic.
All of this is very scary to put out into the world but I feel like the only way to make progress and move forward is to put it all out there and be honest. It’s almost painful, like removing armour that I’ve been wearing so long that it’s fused to my skin and I’m peeling it off with my fingernails. But it feels like the right move. Maybe, in doing this, I’ll start to see change.
“People with BPD are doing the best they can, and they still have to change.” – Marsha Linehan
Posted on March 8, 2019
In honour of the fact that today is International Women’s Day, I would like to honour some of the amazing women in my life. I’ve been very lucky to grow up surrounded by strong, intelligent, compassionate women and I’m very grateful for that. There are so many I could list – I’m incredibly fortunate to be friends and acquainted with so many talented and generous women – but here is a selection:
My parents – I am lucky enough to have four parents, all women and, of course, they deserve the greatest of thanks. They have encouraged me, supported me, and protected me for almost twenty-five years. Each of them inspires me differently and I love them all dearly. My Mum deserves a particular shout out. She has been my champion through all the Autism and mental health stuff; she’s my hero. I don’t know what I’d do without her.
My therapist – I have said it before but I’ll say it again: I’m so, so grateful for my therapist. She is an incredible human being and she’s done some incredible things. She’s saved my life for sure. She’s warm and honest and stubborn and I’m just in awe of her.
My Autism friends – For the first time, I have friends who also have Autism. It took me a long time to figure out what being autistic truly meant to me but last year, I heard about a group for young women with Autism and decided to give it a try. The friends I made there are so special to me. The things that always made us feel different and alone are the things that now connect us to each other and that’s pretty magical. To feel understood is something so easily taken for granted but it’s one of the most important things in the world.
Song Suffragettes – I’ve talked about Song Suffragettes before (here and here) but they’re a fantastic organisation that I’ll keep talking about forever. They showcase the up and coming songwriting talent in Nashville and they consistently push against the sexism in the music industry. So many of my favourite songwriters I’ve discovered through their shows and it was a huge honour to play with them during one of my trips to Nashville.
Amanda Tapping – Amanda Tapping was my first hero and so will always be special to me. She played Sam Carter in Stargate SG-1 and Helen Magnus in Sanctuary and both of those characters had a really significant impact on me. It took me a while to figure out that I could be like them – I spent most of my teenage years trying to be just like them – without having to be exactly like them. For example, I could pursue the things I love and the things I’m good at with the same intensity and passion and commitment, rather than trying to turn myself into a duplicate of either of those characters. Amanda herself is also a worthy hero: she’s struggled and succeeded throughout her life and she’s dedicated significant time, money, and effort to helping others. For example, she’s run conventions that have raised tens of thousands of pounds for charity and where she makes the dreams of fans like me come true: I was an anxious mess when I finally got to meet her but she was kind and compassionate and wonderful. She’ll be my hero forever.
Chloe Bennet – Chloe Bennet currently plays Daisy Johnson in Agents of Shield, my favourite character in my favourite show. This character is an actual superhero and that, of course, is a cherished connection to my Dad. Watching and following superhero related things has allowed me to feel close to him. I know he would’ve loved Agents of Shield. Daisy massively inspires me but Chloe does too, especially since she’s talked so openly about her mental health. (x)
Taylor Swift – I’ve exalted Taylor Swift multiple times (here, here, and here) so I won’t repeat myself but her kindness and her dedication to helping others and doing the right thing continually inspires me and motivates me to be a better human being. I’m also massively inspired by her artistic drive and her commitment to exploring her own creativity. She’s constantly building on her work and it takes my breath away every time.
Sara Bareilles – If I know you in real life, then I’ve probably told you (multiple times) about Sara Bareilles dedicating her song ‘Uncharted’ for me at her London show while I stood in the front row (the video is here). It was magical. Her singing and songwriting and piano playing take my breath away and I’m so inspired by the way she makes the music that she wants to make and doesn’t fold to the fickle whims of the music industry. I’m also really inspired by the way she’s pursued multiple different creative projects, like writing a book and writing the music for a musical.
Maren Morris – I have loved Maren Morris’ music from the moment I heard ‘My Church’ and her concerts are some of my favourite memories. Her songwriting is direct and honest and every song inspires me to get better as a songwriter, a singer, and a human being. Her story shows that there is something magical about being yourself, truly and authentically, and that inspires me every day.
Claire Wineland – I was and still am so inspired by Claire (I talk about her in way more detail here) and her approach to life and living. I will carry her in my heart forever.
These women are a huge part of why I am who I am and I’m so incredibly grateful to them. As Felix says in Orphan Black, “To my galaxy of women, thank you for the nurture.” Amen.
Posted on March 7, 2019
As today is World Book Day – probably my favourite day of celebration as a child and young teenager – I thought I’d do something special and list that I absolutely adored as a teenager. I have never been so enamoured with reading as I was as a teenager and most of my favourite books are still ones that I read as a teenager. So here are some of those books, in no particular order:
Noughts and Crosses Series by Malorie Blackman (or any Malorie Blackman book)
I read every Malorie Blackman book I could get my hands on and then I reread them until they literally fell apart. I truly adored them and it was these books, I think, that inspired me to pursue writing as a career, rather than just a hobby. I even sent Malorie Blackman the book that I wrote when I was twelve (I never got a reply but I’m fine…). The story of Noughts and Crosses takes place in a society where the dark skinned Crosses are revered and the light skinned Noughts are reviled. Sephy and Callum grew up together, unaware that anything separated them but as they get older, the divide gets wider and wider. As characters, I found them – and their relationship – complicated and compelling, and I was so invested in what happened to them. The narrative discusses racism, privilege, terrorism, relationships, the individual versus the society, the lack of easy answers… and the sequels continue to tackles those topics, from multiple viewpoints. It introduces questions like ‘why are plasters all made in one colour?’ and ‘why does the law treat people differently because of their skin colour?’ in a way that makes you want to know why, rather than feel ashamed because you don’t already know. I think that’s important in a book aimed at young teenagers.
The Fault in Our Stars by John Green
I was pretty late to the John Green party but I’m glad I made it. I know that many people have issues with this book but I loved it from the first page. The story starts as Hazel meets Augustus at a cancer support group and it follows their relationship and their quest to meet their favourite author and how their health impacts and interconnects all of that. I really related to Hazel and how she approached the world; her thinking followed the same paths as mine. My emotions synched up with hers very easily. I’m pretty sure I read in a day and the story has stuck with me ever since. I also absolutely loved the film when it came out and it’s still one of my favourite films.
Deeper Than Blue by Jill Hucklesby
Deeper Than Blue follows the story of Amy, a thirteen-year-old champion swimmer after an accident that changes her life forever. It deals with grief and identity, losing dreams and finding them again, friends and family from the most unlikely places. It’s warm and funny and sincere and it’s one of the books that made me want to be a writer; I wanted to tell a story like this one.
Tomorrow When The War Began Series by John Marsden
I had the Harry Potter Series in my early teens and this series in my late teens. It begins when a group of teenagers go camping in the Australian bush and return to find their country invaded. Everyone they know has been captured and their only safety is their camping hideaway. It sounds like a bit of a cliché – kids forced to be heroes – but it’s so much more complicated than that. This group of very different teenagers go through a lot: the loss of people they love, learning to survive on their own in a wild environment, conflict within their group, whether or not what they’re doing is right, and wondering why this has happened. They’re thoughtful and desperate but they learn quickly, staging rescue attempts and attacks against the enemy. The war goes on and on and there are no easy fixes. I loved this series and I have all of them on audiobook as well. The characters are interesting and complicated and throughout the series, you can go from loving them to hating them and back again. I loved how deeply they all felt everything, how they didn’t just brush it off and move on – it felt real. Neither the achievements nor the failures were clear-cut. I recommend it to everyone because I love it so much. And the film is great too. This series, man. This series is SO good.
Blind Beauty by K M Peyton
I was the typical girl-obsessed-with-horses when I was younger and although I never read the more famous ‘Flambards’ books, I fell in love with ‘Blind Beauty.’ I don’t remember reading it for the first time; it feels like a story I’ve just always known. It follows teenage Tessa who, having been kicked out of another boarding school, finds herself in the racing stable on her family’s property. It’s there that she finds Buffoon, the ugliest, most ungainly horse the stable has ever seen but Tessa loves him and dedicates herself to training him. While I didn’t have the problems that Tessa has – nor the strength of will that she does – I identified with the way she didn’t seem to fit anywhere, and how deeply she felt that, how deeply she felt everything.
Harry Potter Series by J K Rowling
Almost everyone my age grew up reading Harry Potter books. So many of my childhood memories are tied to both the books and the films: my parents reading them to me and my brother, almost being late for school because we needed one more chapter in the car outside the gates, the endless debates about this character or that storyline, marathoning the films, staying up all night to finish the final book… I grew up with these characters and the stories were as real to me as my day-to-day life was. They’re a part of my identity now.
Small Steps by Louis Sachar
Holes by Louis Sachar was another staple of my childhood (and is possibly the best book to film adaption ever, by the way) but Small Steps spoke to me on a deeper level. It follows one of the Holes characters, Armpit, and his life after Camp Greenlake and the events of Holes. He meets, and falls for, popstar Kaira DeLeon but things get complicated when his past actions come back to haunt him. It’s hard to talk too much about it without giving away details that are much better revealed in the book.
Broken Soup by Jenny Valentine
It has been a long time since I read this book so please forgive me if my memory fails me here. The story follows Rowan as she copes with the loss of her older brother, with finding out that he wasn’t who she thought he was. The people she meets on this quest have a profound effect on her and while the details are a little blurry with time (I’m seriously considering sitting down and reading the book again after reading the blurb and reviews online), I remember so vividly relating to Rowan. She was thoughtful and perceptive and grieving. And I only loved her more because I almost ended up with the same name. It’s a story with a lot of tragedy but also a lot of hope.
The Midwich Cuckoos by John Wyndham
I would call this one of the best scifi books ever but I haven’t read every scifi book ever so I’m going to call it one of the best scifi books I’ve ever read. It’s old and so some of the language is difficult to get your head around (I vividly remember my friend reading it while we were on holiday and every few minutes she’d ask me what a word meant and she’s one of the most intelligent, eloquent people I know) and the lives the characters lead aren’t particularly relatable anymore but the effortlessness of how the story unfolds is breath-taking. The suspense is almost claustrophobic and the ending is perfectly executed. I would say more but I don’t want to spoil it. Read it. Seriously.
The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
This is another one I need to read again. I first read it because one of my parents had bought me a ticket to see Markus Zusak speak and in typical fashion, I didn’t start reading it until the night before. But a few pages in and I was hooked; I read it in one sitting. I’ve never read anything like it, before or since. It follows a young girl called Liesel, living in Germany with a foster family during World War II, but the story is told from the point of view of Death, as if Death is a very present character. Unsurprisingly, the theme of death and mortality is prominent throughout the story. But it was the themes of reading and writing and storytelling that pulled in teenage me who was constantly writing stories. It’s the kind of story that makes you feel like you’re a different person for reading it.
So I hope this has been interesting and that something in here that has inspired you to pick up one of these books (or any book at all). What are some of your favourite books?
Posted on March 1, 2019
Self harm (also described as self injury) is still a topic that people struggle with. That’s understandable. It’s a hard thing to think about. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t. So, since it’s Self Injury Awareness Day, I thought I would write down some of things that I’ve learned, things I’ve found useful, things that I wish other people had known during my ‘self harm journey…’ So, without further ado, here are some dos and don’ts for talking about self harm, from my experience at least…
- Try to stay calm – Simply put, don’t freak out and say something you might regret. It’s a hard thing to find out about anyone, let alone someone you really care about. You’re allowed to feel your feelings but try to control any outbursts of upset or frustration.
- Ask – If you don’t know what to say, ask them. It’s okay not to know and asking, ‘how can I help you?’ or ‘what response do you want/need to hear?’ is better than anxious rambling or silence.
- Offer what you can – Even if it’s only being a person to call, assure the person that you are there for them and that you will support them through whatever it is they’re going through. But don’t make promises you can’t keep by overcommitting.
- Remember that it’s not about you – A person doesn’t self harm because their parents nag or because their friend said they couldn’t hang out. Yes, negative interactions and experiences can trigger it but a person wouldn’t do it if there wasn’t something really serious going on internally. It’s not about you, it’s about them and what they’re going through.
- Grab the area that’s injured or scarred and demand an explanation – A confrontational or accusing attitude won’t help either of you and it’s NOT okay to touch someone without their consent even if you think you’re trying to help. Try to stay calm, and allow them to direct the conversation if possible.
- Judge – Unless you’ve struggled with self harm, you can’t know what it’s like. That’s okay. You’re not expected to understand it but that doesn’t mean you can’t be compassionate and supportive. Try to keep an open mind while having these conversations.
- Simply ask them to give it up – If it were that simple, no one would self harm. If someone is hurting themselves – going against their body’s survival instinct – there’s something seriously intense going on and so just stopping isn’t possible. And that inability to stop can turn into a lot of guilt and self blame so it’s a sensitive subject in itself.
- Ask them to give up for you – I know it can seem like positive motivation (and maybe it works for some people) but it actually just creates more pressure and more pressure is exactly what they don’t need right at that moment. I’m not an expert but from my own experience, pressure leads to feeling even more guilty and all the negative emotion just builds and builds and makes the whole thing worse.
I hope these things have been helpful and I’d love to know what else you would add to this. Awareness and understanding are so important and every conversation matters. And if you’re someone that struggles with self harm, I hope you remember that you’re doing the best you can. Obviously everyone wants you to be in a place where you don’t feel you need self harm but that’s a really big thing. It’s not a place you can necessarily get to over night but every day that you get through – every hard moment – is a success, however you get through it. It’s a process and whatever speed you travel through it is okay. Living is hard. You’re doing fine.
More information here.