Posted on August 8, 2023
Happy World Cat Day! I am both deeply a cat person and a dog person, even though I don’t have a dog right now, and my cats are one of the great loves of my life so, for World Cat Day, I thought I’d research and share why cats are so incredibly good for us. But before I get started with that, I wanted to share my favourite fact: we know that our relationship with cats goes back thousands of years but some research shows that cats essentially domesticated themselves in South Asia, befriending humans for a ‘mutually beneficial relationship’ (although, let’s face it, it probably started out as an easy way of getting food). (x) And clearly, we’ve always been obsessed with them: in 889 CE (also known as AD), twenty-two year old Japanese Emperor Uda described his new cat with familiar passion: “the colour of the fur is peerless,” “when it stands, its cry expresses profound loneliness, like a black dragon floating above the clouds,” and “I am convinced it is superior to all other cats.” (x) Who of us cat owners have not described our cats in similar ways and with similar pride?
IN THERAPY
EFFECTS ON THE BRAIN
EFFECT ON EMOTIONS
EFFECTS ON THE BODY
EFFECTS ON LIFESTYLE
I found an excellent story during my research…
“I have a cat and I couldn’t manage without him. Yes, he provides comfort and unconditional love, but he also keeps me on track. I used to work with chimps and sign language, so when I got a kitten, I placed a very high priority on his communication skills and on shaping gestures he used naturally. I also used food puzzles and other things to keep his mind active. He knows what time I need to be up for work in the morning. Unless I tell him the night before that we can sleep in, he pokes me awake 3 or 4 minutes before the alarm. If I space out cuddling with him, he gives me a minute or so, and then he stands up and uses his limited gestures to say firmly, ‘You. GO,’ and waits to make sure I’m up before he leaves the room. He knows how long it takes me to wash and dress. If I dawdle too long deciding what to wear, he’s in the doorway checking to see what’s taking so long. If I leave something in the oven and forget about it, or leave a burner on after I’ve taken a pot off it, he lets me know. Sometimes I assume he’s just looking for attention and scold him for making a ruckus when I’m trying to focus, but if it’s a safety issue, he won’t stop until I give up and say, ‘FINE! SHOW me what’s wrong,’ and then he leads me to the stove, or wherever the issue is. He’s most certainly the grown-up in the relationship.” (x)
MY CATS
If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you’ll know that I have five cats, all related to each other. Lucy came first and then we kept her second litter of kittens, Tiger and Mouse, and then – to even the vet’s surprise – Mouse suddenly had two kittens, Sooty and Sweep, that – for a number of reasons, including the pandemic – we ended up keeping. I love them all dearly and it’s sweet how, not only have they all developed different relationships with each other, they’ve developed different relationships with me.
Lucy is my anchor. She’s always there, curled up next to me or snoozing somewhere in the same room. She doesn’t want to be cuddled all of the time but she always wants to be nearby; she likes to know what’s happening and what I’m doing. It’s very sweet. And she probably looks after me more than I look after her: she regularly checks in with me, she follows me around, she gets anxious if she can’t be in a room with me, she’s always really pleased to see me when I reappear from behind the shower curtain, she tries to usher me to bed when it gets really late and then sits with me to make sure I don’t get up again, and so on. It’s adorable. She’s the queen of the house though and she absolutely knows it.
Tiger is my snuggle buddy. Up until recently, she’d come for a cuddle now and then but she was usually too busy exploring the garden or playing with the other cats (plus she does have a favourite spot for snoozing). But after I went to the US and then Germany, it’s almost like she realised that she really doesn’t like it when I go away – I think all five cats got very comfortable with my Mum and I being home all the time since the pandemic began. As soon as I got home, she was all over me and ever since, she’s been coming to me for long cuddle sessions multiple times a day. It’s very cute, especially given how independent she was before. I’m certainly not turning her down, even if her tail is a weapon of mass disruption.
Mouse and Sweep are my floofs. Sweep has always been Mouse’s baby and they are definitely a bonded pair, which is a gorgeous thing to witness: they are curled up together all the time and even in the summer heat, they lie as close together as possible without touching (although Sweep often reaches out with her paw to touch Mouse, like she’s reassuring herself that she’s still there). Sweep frequently runs to Mouse for reassurance after something traumatic happens (the most traumatic thing to ever happen to her is the unexpected appearance of the window cleaner’s brush) or runs into the room, calling for her. It’s so cute how much she loves. She’ll rush up to Mouse and flop down on top of her, getting as close as possible, something that I’m not sure Mouse always appreciates. Mouse has always been the most skittish of the pride but she’s getting more affectionate and playful as she gets older, which is lovely. And we’ve started trying to teach them all tricks, mainly for our own entertainment, and Mouse has definitely been the fastest to pick them up. And Sweep is the complete opposite. I’ve started referring to her as ‘my little neurodivergent baby.’ I don’t know if there’s any proof that neurodiversity exists in any species other than humans but it seems unlikely that it’s just us; I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s only so obvious in humans because neurodivergent individuals are forced to live in a neurotypical society, something that animals don’t seem to have, certainly not in the same way. If those pressures aren’t there, then maybe neurodivergence doesn’t manifest in the same way. Anyway. I think of Sweep as neurodivergent because she seems to think and process completely differently to the other four, like they think in words and she thinks in pictures – or the cat equivalent. She still struggles with the cat flap, she doesn’t seem to understand how doing tricks works at all, she likes to hide away from everyone but has her special bond with Mouse, she seems to experience a lot more anxiety than the rest of them… I don’t know. She’s just very different to the others, not that we love her any less.

Sooty is my baby. She’s always seemed to think of me as her mother, even when she was a teeny tiny kitten. I wonder if that’s because Sweep and Mouse are always so entangled but whatever the reason, it’s adorable and I’m not turning down her affections. She always wants to sit on the sofa with me, demanding that I stretch out my legs so that she can stretch out between them; it’s her favourite spot. She’s also very playful and she and Lucy are a particularly playful pair, although she’ll play with anyone who will engage with her. She still feels very much a baby, Sweep too, even though they’re four now (which seems unbelievable to me but then I guess the pandemic really screwed with our perception of time) and that’s very sweet. I kind of hope she always will; I think she’ll probably always be my baby (although, to a degree, they’re all my babies).

APRIDEOFCATS
To avoid overwhelming people with cat pictures on my Instagram, which is focussed on me as a singersongwriter, I created a new account, aprideofcats, so that I could post as many as I wanted. It’s as much as for my own entertainment as anything else. I stopped using it for a while – when I was struggling with social media in general – but I’ve recently started posting on it and having a great time, trying to choose between the ridiculous amount of cute pictures that I have of them.
So there you have it: concrete evidence that cats are amazing. I’m just kidding, although I do love cats and my cats in particular. I think it’s fascinating that just spending time with animals – and in this case, cats – can have such dramatic effects on us and our health, physical and mental. I hope this has been interesting and fun and if you liked the cute little faces of my cats, please do follow my cat instagram: there will be plenty more photos of them going up.
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Category: about me, adhd, animals, anxiety, autism, depression, emotions, mental health, quotes, research, sleep, therapy Tagged: adhd, anxiety, anxiety disorder, asd, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, autism, autism spectrum disorder, autistic, blood pressure, cat, cats, confidence, depression, history, kitten, kittens, loneliness, mindfulness, neurodivergence, neurodivergent, neurotypical, pet therapy, post traumatic stress disorder, ptsd, research studies, self esteem, time management, wellbeing, world cat day
Posted on May 29, 2022
I’d hoped to write and post more for Borderline Personality Awareness Month but between my depression and changing medications, I’ve been struggling to write; I’ve started a handful of posts but been unable to finish them. But, of the symptoms of BPD, my fears around abandonment have been particularly oppressive recently and so I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I thought I’d write done some of my thoughts; it’s the best I can do right now.
Fear of abandonment is a significant aspect of Borderline Personality Disorder and it’s something that I’ve personally struggled with for most of my life. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was twenty and the consensus was – and still is – that it was due to the difficult and frustrating process of being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, where I was repeatedly ignored and invalidated by medical professionals when I expressed how much I was struggling. I guess those could be interpreted as abandonments. But I’d been abandoned in the more traditional sense multiple times before that, so the ‘foundation’ – I guess you could call it – for a fear of abandonment was already there (I’m not sure if it works like that but I noticed the pattern as I thought back): most of my friends stopped hanging out with me when I was eleven and then my one remaining friend moved abroad about a year later so I started secondary school with basically no friends; my Dad died suddenly when I was thirteen; and then, when I was nineteen, a very important figure in my life just cut me off without warning. Each one reinforced the fear and the fear just kept building exponentially. So I think it’s fair to say that I was well on my way to developing a complex about being abandoned by the time I was diagnosed with BPD.
It didn’t stop there – and there were a couple of painful ones – but, on the whole, life has been relatively stable until recently. Over the last few months though, I’ve been dealing with a lot of feelings of abandonment. Some of the actions that have caused these feelings were intentional, some not; some of these feelings are based in reality and some are based on anxiety. People who’d been consistent in my life for a long time left suddenly for work or family stuff, people not being who I thought they were, people drifting away… I don’t want to write about them specifically because the point of this is not to ‘name and shame’ – it’s just felt like one after another after another lately and it’s been really tough. And, again, I’m not trying to say that these people are deliberately, intentionally abandoning me; BPD has just made me particularly sensitive to situations that could be perceived as abandonments, especially when they seem to be happening a lot. Sometimes it’s on me for overthinking or overreacting, sometimes it’s on them for doing or not doing something, and sometimes nobody did anything but it still feels awful. We’re all human beings just doing our best (most of the time, at least). I guess the point I’m making here is that it’s a feature of BPD that I have to live with and have to navigate on a daily basis and this is a part of that.
I don’t think it’s a great leap to assume there’s a link to low self esteem. I find it hard to see why other people would want to be friends with me, which has only been exacerbated by all of my health problems: I feel like a burden (something I wrote about in this year’s MHAW post).
I remember seeing this on Instagram and relating to it to a painful degree…
Now I don’t even feel capable of being useful.
I feel like I’m always the one who can’t keep up, the one letting people down. I feel like, between me and my problems, I’m just too much for most people. Both too much and not enough at the same. And I can’t help but feel that if someone doesn’t think that yet, then it’s just a matter of time until they realise it. I know that these are my thoughts and not necessarily what other people think but it’s a hard thought pattern to shift; it’s pretty deeply ingrained at this point. It’s something I need to work on in therapy but I haven’t had access to therapy recently. Hopefully soon, although there’s a lot that’s happened over the last year that I need to work though.
I don’t know what I think about this post. I find writing about anything BPD related very difficult. It always feels much more personal and revealing to write about, compared to writing about Autism, for example. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because a lot of the symptoms of BPD correspond with issues that we’re conditioned to feel shame for and around: fear of abandonment can be portrayed as ‘clingy’ or ‘manipulative’; an unstable sense of self sounds scary to a casual ear; self-destructive behaviour can be interpreted as not wanting to be helped; and so on and so forth. Plus there’s a lot of stigma around BPD, even amongst the people who should really know better.
To learn more about BPD, you can find good information here and here, and here is a post I wrote about my experience with BPD in 2019. I hope this has been helpful or thought-provoking or something along those lines. I do want to write more about BPD because there needs to be more understanding around it as a disorder; it was just unfortunate that BPD Awareness Month – when I had planned to write a handful of posts about it – coincided with a period where writing felt really difficult. Combine that with a topic that I find hard to write about anyway and I’m kind of surprised that I even managed this, given how I’ve been feeling recently.
Category: about me, anxiety, bpd, diagnosis, emotions, mental health Tagged: abandonment, asd, autism, autism spectrum disorder, borderline personality disorder, borderline personality disorder awareness month, bpd, bpd awareness, bpd awareness month, fear of abandonment, quiet borderline, quiet borderline personality disorder, quiet bpd, self esteem, self worth, therapy
Posted on January 1, 2022
In hindsight, I don’t really know what I was thinking, setting goals when I had no idea what the year was going to look like. I’m not really surprised that I haven’t done as well as I would’ve liked, had the year been a normal year. But it wasn’t a normal year and I try to remember that when I feel myself getting stressed.
FIND A RHYTHM IN THERAPY AGAIN – This has been a tricky one. For various reasons, my therapy was fairly erratic for the first half of the year and then I wasn’t going at all until just a few weeks ago. A lot has happened and a lot has changed and going back is hard; it feels like I’m learning how to do therapy all over again. But we’ve worked through tough periods before. There’s no reason why we can’t figure out this one too.
PROGRESS WITH MY INVISIBLE BRACES – Okay, I officially failed at this. I’ve actually slipped backwards, going back to an earlier mold. It was just that, with everything going on, sleeping was the one time where I didn’t feel some sort of sensory overwhelm and I was so reluctant to lose that one safe space. I have worn it a little but not enough so I need to figure out a more manageable way to wear it.
WORK ON MY CORE – This has been a tricky one. Since the lockdown ended, I’ve been swimming as much as I can (and feel able to depending on various things: mental health, COVID numbers, etc) and I do feel like it’s helped, although it doesn’t feel like the pain mirrors how much or how little swimming I’m doing. Eleven months after the Hydrotherapy referral, I got a Physiotherapy appointment which resulted in them referring me to Hydrotherapy and a month or so later, I finally got a Hydrotherapy session. I’ve been doing the exercises by myself and I have a follow up appointment in the new year to make sure everything’s happening as it should. It’s too soon to know what effect it’s having but hopefully it’ll help with some of the problems caused by my EDS.
COMPLETE MY MAJOR REPERTOIRE PROJECT – I did it! It was hard work and utterly exhausting and, by the end, I was working twelve (or more) hours a day but I absolutely loved it. I loved being totally absorbed by one project and just writing as many songs for it as possible. I did struggle to balance what I wanted to do with the project with what I needed to do for the grade (although it’s true that trying to meet that criteria did result in it being a better project) but I had a fantastic supervisor, who was passionate and knowledgeable about a lot of the same things as me and who was also neurodivergent, which I think made a big difference when it came to tackling problems and her general support; my project was better because of her help. The day of my final presentation was a bit anti-climactic after everything and suddenly it was all over. But I’m so proud of the work I did, the many songs I wrote, and the mark I achieved, my highest out of every module. I’m so relieved, so happy, so proud, and so grateful to everyone who helped me get there. It was the best part of this year, easily.
FINISH MY MASTERS DEGREE – I still kind of can’t believe that I did this, given everything over the last couple of years. It’s so weird to look back at the beginning of the Masters in late 2019, knowing what I do now. But I did it: I completed my Masters Degree in Songwriting. During a global pandemic no less. But despite that, it was still an amazing experience; I met a lot of incredible people, I did a lot of work that I’m so proud of, and I got so much out of it. I’m so proud of my final project in particular and it was amazing to get such a high grade, as well as the Outstanding Student Award at graduation; that meant so much to me after everything that went in to getting the degree. And while I am excited for what comes next, I’m also really, really sad that it’s over; that’s the end of my education at ICMP and I don’t want my time there to be officially over. I loved my BA but doing an MA was the best thing I’ve ever done. It was beyond difficult and there were times when I hated it but it was an amazing experience and I’m so proud of myself and the work I did.
MAKE SIGNIFICANT PROGRESS IN CATCHING UP WITH MY DIARY – Yeah, no, I did not manage this. I’m barely managing to keep up, let alone clean up the messy notes I’ve been keeping over the last two years. My diary writing is in a state of chaos right now. It takes up so much time and causes me so much anxiety but I can’t stop; my OCD won’t let me. So I’m just keeping on keeping on; I don’t know what else to do.
WORK ON NOT COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO MUSIC – I think it’s fair to say that this is probably something I’ll be working on for the rest of my life; it’s not something that will ever be done, complete. I’m not sure if I’d say I’ve made progress with this but I do think I’ve learned a lot about myself and my insecurities. Two big factors that affect those insecurities are my mental health and how much I’m writing. When my mental health is good and I’m doing a solid amount of writing, I feel more comfortable and confident in myself and what other people are doing doesn’t feel scary or upsetting; they feel inspiring and exciting. But when my mental health is bad – and thus, my ability to write disappears – everything feels just too much. So most of the year was great, apart from a few dips, but my mental health hasn’t been great over the last two months – or in other words, completely fucking awful – so that’s what I’ve been focussed on: trying to make that better.
FIND MY NEXT PROJECT – This goal kind of makes me laugh now. To think I wanted to find my next project and now I have more projects than I know what to do with. It’s kind of stressful, trying to manage so many things at once, but it’s also wonderful to have so many things that I’m excited about. They’re all in process right now and I don’t know how they’re going to turn out so I don’t want to say anything yet, but I definitely found my next project.
This year has been a hell of a year for many reasons and while there were many negative surprises, there were also positive ones; those just aren’t always visible in the review of goals set at the beginning of the year. I’m really proud of a lot of things from the last twelve months and, given everything that’s happened, I’m actually kind of impressed that I was able to complete any of these goals at all. So I’m trying to focus on that.
Category: about me, covid-19 pandemic, depression, emotions, heds, identity, mental health, music, ocd, therapy, treatment, university, writing Tagged: 2020, anxiety, comparing, comparing myself, comparison anxiety, depression, diary, diary writing, eds, final project, goals, heds, hydrotherapy, hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome, hypermobility, independent artist, invisible braces, journal, journaling, masters degree, masters degree in songwriting, memory hoarding, mental health, mental illness, music, new years resolution, new years resolutions, obsessive compulsive disorder, ocd, pandemic, pandemic 2020, physiotherapy, plans, reflection, self confidence, self esteem, songwriter, songwriting, therapy, university

Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), ADHD (Inattentive Type), and Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), as well as several mental health issues.
I’m a singer-songwriter (it’s my biggest special interest and I have both a BA and MA in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is on all platforms, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.
My debut EP, Honest, is available on all platforms, with a limited physical run at Resident Music in Brighton.
I’m currently working on an album about my experiences as an autistic woman.
Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), ADHD (Inattentive Type), and Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), as well as several mental health issues.
I’m a singer-songwriter (it’s my biggest special interest and I have both a BA and MA in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is on all platforms, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.
My debut EP, Honest, is available on all platforms, with a limited physical run at Resident Music in Brighton.
I’m currently working on an album about my experiences as an autistic woman.
Finding Hope