Escapril Poetry Challenge 2020

A while back, I discovered the ‘Escapril’ poetry challenge, organised by writer Savannah Brown. For every day in April, there’s a poetry prompt that can be used in whatever way inspires you. You then post the piece you’ve written on social media. I’d been eagerly awaiting it for what felt like ages because I’d been really excited to get into writing poetry again (prompts or briefs often help me when I’m out of practice at something), even if it did land in the same month as the deadline of my most recent university assessment.

Here are this year’s prompts:

I didn’t manage a poem everyday (especially while working on my essay) and very quickly, I realised that I didn’t want to post them online until I’d had more time to develop them, edit them, and just make sure that they were good enough to share. I didn’t want to put a piece of work out into the world that I wasn’t confident in.

I have to admit that I’ve been struggling to be creative since the pandemic started and we went into lockdown, something I know a lot of people are dealing with. I read that long term fear and stress affect your brain, making it difficult to find inspiration and be creative – I don’t know about you but having a scientific reason for why I’m struggling so much definitely helped, even if it hasn’t actually solved the problem. Knowing why at least reassured me that my brain hadn’t just stopped working for no reason, that presumably it will start functioning again at some point. So I just have to be patient with myself, as hard as that may be. I’m a lot less patient with myself than with others, as it turns out.

Anyway, the month and the challenge are now over. As I said, I didn’t manage to write a poem everyday but I did manage to write something for most of the prompts and I really enjoyed writing in this format again, despite struggling with all things creative. Since I didn’t post anything during the challenge, I thought I’d share a few here that I’m pleased with or can see potential in…

2. GROWTH/DECAY

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6. OBSESSION

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12. SUBMERGED IN WATER

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17. GRIEF

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18. HOW DID THE SKY LOOK?

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24. BLACK HOLE

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So I hope you enjoyed these, that they’re not too obscure or clunky. As I said, I’m out of practice at writing poetry. It has a very different feel to writing songs and it’s definitely different to writing essays, the two forms of writing I’ve been doing over the last few months. So, yeah, I hope they’re okay. I hope you like them.

Have you taken up any new hobbies or skills since the lockdown? Or revisited old ones?

My Current Favourite Book: Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

For my degree, Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert was a book recommended by my tutor and then I recently reread it for my Masters and remembered how much I love it. There are so many quotes that deeply inspire me and I’m filled with the urge to run to the nearest piano or guitar and write something beautiful because I suddenly feel like I can. It might not turn out to be beautiful but that urge gets me writing, gets me much closer to writing something beautiful than if I hadn’t written at all.

I recommend this book to everyone but especially to people who pursue creative passions. My brother the performance artist, one of my parents the Jazz musician, all of my friends and colleagues on my songwriting course. I know they may not like it, that it may not be their style, but if even one sentence inspires them then I’m happy, hence this post. I hope you like this collection of my favourite quotes from the book and that it inspires you to go and read the whole thing. It’s a fantastic book and I’m really excited to read more of her work (and listen to more of her talks).


PART I – COURAGE

  • “[Jack Gilbert] didn’t so much teach them how to write poetry, they said, but why: because of delight. Because of stubborn gladness. He told them that they must live their most creative lives as a means of fighting back against the ruthless furnace of this world. Most of all, though, he asked his students to be brave. Without bravery, he instructed, they would never be able to realize the vaulting scope of their own capacities. Without bravery, they would never know the world as richly as it longs to be known. Without bravery, their lives would remain small – far smaller than they probably wanted their lives to be. […] I never met Jack Gilbert myself, and now he is gone – he passed away in 2012… I quite liked the way he lived inside my imagination as a massive and powerful presence, built out of his poems and the stories I’d heard about him.”
  • “A creative life is an amplified life. It’s a bigger life, a happier life, an expanded life, and a hell of a lot more interesting life.”
  • “I had creativity within me that was original; I had a personality within me that was original; I had dreams and perspectives and aspirations within me that were original.”
  • “It seems to me that the less I fight my fear, the less it fights back. If I can relax, fear relaxes, too.”

PART II – ENCHANTMENT

There’s an amazing story (I won’t type it out in full because that will take forever so here’s the short version) where she’s very passionate about an idea but after a big life event, that passion had vanished. She meets Ann Patchett – that story in itself is beautiful – and something magical seems to have happened: Patchett is working on almost exactly the same idea, conceived at almost exactly the moment Gilbert felt she’d lost it. It’s a bizarre and incredible story that is almost worth reading the book for alone.

  • “Sometimes, when I’m in the midst of writing, I feel like I am suddenly walking on one of those moving sidewalks that you find in a big airport terminal; I still have a long slog to my gate , and my baggage is still heavy, but I can feel myself being gently propelled by some exterior force… It’s the feeling you get when you’ve made something wonderful, or done something wonderful… I don’t think there is a more perfect happiness to be found in life than this state…”

At one point she talks about how she wishes Harper Lee had written several easy to read books after To Kill A Mockingbird, just because she could, because she loved to write. She talks about how Lee was such a marvellous writer and how much the world could’ve gained from that but never got the opportunity because the huge acclaim of To Kill A Mockingbird completely changed her relationship with writing.

PART III – PERMISSION

  • “Go back far enough and you will find people who were not consumers, people who were not sitting around passively waiting for stuff to happen to them. You will find people who spent their lives making things. This is where you come from. This is where we all come from. Human beings have been creative beings for a really long time – long enough and consistently enough that it appears to be a totally natural impulse.”
  • “It’s your birthright as a human being, so do it with a cheerful heart. (I mean, take it seriously, sure – but don’t take it seriously.) Let inspiration lead you wherever it wants to lead you. Keep in mind that for most of history people just made things, and they didn’t make such a big freaking deal out it. We make things because we like making things.”
  • “Your creativity is way older than you are, way older than any of us.”
  • “I don’t want to be afraid of bright colors, or new sounds, or big love, or risky decisions, or strange experiences, or weird endeavors, or sudden changes, or even failure.”
  • “Most things have already been done – but they have not yet been done by you.”
  • “Anyhow, the older I get, the less impressed I become with originality. These days, I’m far more moved by authenticity. Attempts at originality can often feel forced and precious, but authenticity has quiet resonance that never fails to stir me. Just say what you want to say, then, and say it will all your heart. Share whatever you are driven to share. If it’s authentic enough, believe me – it will feel original.”
  • “Do whatever brings you to life, then. Follow your own fascinations, obsessions, and compulsions. Trust them. Create whatever causes a revolution in your heart. The rest of it will take care of itself.”
  • “Work hard, make the most of your opportunities, and grow, grow, grow.”
  • “[Tom Waits] told me that he’s struggled deeply with his creativity in his youth because – like many serious young men – he wanted to be regarded as important, meaningful, heavy. He wanted his work to be better than other people’s work. He wanted to be complex and intense. There was anguish, there was torment, there was drinking, there were dark nights of the soul. He was lost in the cult of artistic suffering by another name: dedication.  But through watching his children create so freely, Waits had an epiphany: It wasn’t actually that big a deal. He told me, “I realized that, as a songwriter, the only thing I really do is make jewelry for the inside of other people’s minds.” Music is nothing more than decoration for the imagination. That’s all it is. That realization, Waits said, seemed to open things up for him. Songwriting became less painful after that.”
  • “As I write this book, for instance, I approach each sentence as if the future humanity depends upon my getting that sentence just right. I care, because I want it to be lovely. Therefore, anything less than a full commitment to that sentence is lazy and dishonorable. But as I edit my sentence – sometimes immediately after writing it – I have to be willing to throw it to the dogs and never look back.”

PART IV – PERSISTENCE

  • “When I felt no inspiration at all, I would set the kitchen timer for thirty minutes and make myself sit there and scribble something, anything.”
  • “That’s what you have to do in the beginning; everybody imitates before they can innovate.”
  • “Frustration is not an interruption of your process; frustration is the process… You don’t just get to leap from bright moment to bright moment. How you manage yourself between those bright moments, when things aren’t going so great, is a measure of how devoted you are to your vocation, and how equipped you are for the weird demands of creative living.”
  • “It starts by forgetting about perfect. We don’t have time for perfect. In any event, perfectionism is unattainable: it’s a myth and a trap and a hamster wheel that will run you to death. The writer Rebecca Solnit puts it well: ‘So many of us believe in perfectionism, which ruins everything else, because the perfect is not only the enemy of the good; it’s also the enemy of the realistic, the possible, and the fun.’ Perfectionism stops people from completing their work, yes – but even worse, it often stops people from beginning their work. Perfectionists often decide in advance that the end product is never going to be satisfactory, so they don’t even both to be creative in the first place.”
  • “We must understand that the drive for perfectionism is a corrosive waste of time, because nothing is ever beyond criticism. No matter how many hours you spend attempting to render something flawless, somebody will always be able to find fault with it
 At some point, you really just have to finish your work and release it as is – if only so that you can go on to make other things with a glad and determined heart.”
  • “Through the mere act of creating something – anything – you might inadvertently produce work that is magnificent, eternal, or important.”
  • “We all need something that helps us to forget ourselves for a while.”
  • “I also kept remembering what may mother always used to say: ‘Done is better than good.'”

PART V – TRUST

She has a friend who is a botanist and teaches environmental biology at a university. And she always begins by asking who loves nature and all the students raise their hands. Then she asks if they believe nature loves them and no one raises their hand. “Then we have a problem already,” she says. So she starts with the relationship between people and the environment.

  • “To suggest that nobody ever made valuable art unless they were in active emotional distress is not only untrue, it’s also kind of sick. […] You will often meet artists who deliberately cling to their suffering, their addictions, their fears, their demons. They worry that is they ever let go of all that anguish, their very identities would vanish.”
  • “I have no great love or loyalty for my personal devils, because they have never served me well. During my own periods of misery and instability, I’ve noticed that my creative spirit becomes cramped and suffocated. I’ve found it’s nearly impossible for me to write when I am unhappy.”
  • “My desire to work – my desire to engage with my creativity as intimately and as freely as possible – is my strongest personal incentive to fight back against pain, by any means necessary,  and to fashion a life for myself that is as sane and healthy and stable as it can possibly be.”
  • “If you choose to go the other way, though (if you choose to trust suffering over love), be aware that you are building your house upon a battlefield.”
  • On the suicides or deaths of artists: “There’s a hole in our world from all the art those people did not make – there is a hole in us from the loss of their work – and I cannot imagine this was ever anyone’s divine plan.”
  • “I have chosen to believe that a desire to be creative was encoded into my DNA for reasons I will never know, and that creativity will not go away from me unless I forcibly kick it away, or poison it dead. Every molecule of my being has always pointed me towards this line of work – toward language, storytelling, research, narrative. If destiny didn’t want me to be a writer, I figure, then it shouldn’t have made me one.”

Gilbert’s first short story she ever had published was called ‘Pilgrims,’ in Esquire. They were all set to go and then they had to cut down the magazine and she could either pull her story or reduce it by 30%. She decided to reduce it and in the end, discovered that it had become this new, interesting story she’d never imagined it could be, leading into this next quote…

  • “What you produce is not necessarily always sacred, I realized, just because you think it’s sacred. What is sacred is the time that you spend working on the project, and what that time does to expand you imagination, and what that expanded imagination does to transform your life.”
  • “Everything I have ever written has brought me into being. Every project has matured me in a different way. I am who I am today precisely because of what I have made and what it has made me into. Creativity has hand-raised me and forged me into an adult.”

When no story she was passionate about arrived, she just followed her curiosity. She ended up deciding that she wanted to have a nice garden and so she gardened. She learned more and more about the flowers she was growing (she preferred colour to order, unlike her mother) and she researched more and more until three years later, she started writing a novel about a family of nineteenth century botanists. It wasn’t an idea that she saw coming but by the time she was writing it, she was obsessed with the idea and the story. And she never saw it coming.

  • “As my friend Pastor Rob Bell warns: ‘Don’t rush through the experiences and circumstances that have the most capacity to transform you.'”

At one point, she talks about ego and how “it’s a wonderful servant, but it’s a terrible master,” because all it wants is reward but it will never be satisfied because there will never be enough reward: “Left unmanaged, that kind of disappointment will rot you from the inside out.” She talks about how the Buddhists call an ‘unchecked ego’ a ‘hungry ghost,’ a description that I’m so inspired and obsessed by. It’s a song. And one that I can’t wait to write. A ‘hungry ghost’ is “forever famished, eternally howling with need and greed.”

  • “What do you love doing so much that the words failure and success essentially become irrelevant?”

PART VI – DIVINITY

  • “Creativity is sacred, and it is not sacred.”
  • “We are terrified, and we are brave.”

I mean, I could quote the whole book but here are some of my favourite quotes and my favourite stories. I really, really recommend reading it. It’s inspiring, in a creative way but also in a personal way. It makes life seem bigger and brighter and more beautiful. Read it. Please.

A Lot Has Been Happening

My sincerest apologies for not posting in so long. Life has been hectic and difficult and busy and strange. It’s been really difficult to write, to write anything at all (apart from my diary, which I’ll explain in a minute) so I just had to give myself a break from posting here and hope that you guys would understand. It’s just been too much. I don’t think I’m ‘back,’ but hopefully there won’t be such big gaps between posts and maybe we’ll even get back to weekly posts at some point.

So here’s what’s been going on, so you’re all up to date…


TWENTY FIFTH BIRTHDAY

First things first, I turned twenty five. I’m not gonna lie, I was having a bit of a quarter century crisis. There’s a definite milestone about turning eighteen and then twenty one but turning twenty five felt (and still feels) like a big step into adulthood and I’m finding that very scary. I still feel stuck at seventeen: young and naïve and vulnerable. So I’m struggling with it a bit.

The day itself was a struggle. My anxiety is through the roof (which I’ll talk about it in a minute) but the compulsive writing of my diary (something I’ve struggled with on and off for a long time) has become really extreme, to the point where I’ve been finding it difficult to do anything else. So while I had some really lovely moments on my birthday (twenty five yellow roses from my Mum, some really lovely presents, and dinner with my family), all I could think about was how I should be writing, how I was wasting time that should be spent catching up with my diary. It was very upsetting because there were so many things I’d rather be doing than writing my diary or stressing about it.

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I’ve had a habit of many years to think on my birthday ‘this year will be better’ or ‘this year I’ll be happier.’ But I’m done with that. I’m not going to waste time comparing the ups and downs of the last several years but I never felt as if those statements came true. I always felt as if I was struggling just as much, if not more so, than the year before. So, as I said, I’m done with that. I have no expectations of this year. At the moment I’m too anxious to think beyond the next week or so, so I don’t even really feel capable or doing it anyway. It’s all too overwhelming.

Anyway, I’m twenty five. I’m not sure what that means yet. So I guess we’ll see.

I’VE STARTED A MASTERS

Unsurprisingly, it’s in songwriting. I’m doing it part time so I only have half the workload as a traditional Masters student and that has turned out to be absolutely the right choice. At the time, my main reason was because it would allow me to really take in what I was learning and apply it to my songwriting, rather than just absorbing it only to regurgitate it for an exam or coursework piece. And that’s still true but it’s turned out to be completely necessary for my mental health. One day of classes (plus the commuting) requires at least two days of recovery and my mental health, particularly my anxiety, has made it very, very difficult to complete the work required and so having only half the workload and the extra time to do it in has been a blessing.

I’m just about to start week three and so far, I’m really, really enjoying the classes. This first module is about Creative Process, the theory of it and the exploration of our own, and the content we’re covering and discussing is just fascinating. I actually wish the two hour lecture was longer. For example, we just learned about autoethnography (exploring your personal experience and how it connects to wider cultures and experiences and so on) and it’s really hard not to stop my current research and just dive face first into that.

But anyway, the practical songwriting class has been a bit up and down for me personally. My writing massively depends on my mental health and so when I’m really anxious, I find it impossible to write. During the first week, I barely managed to turn in a song but this week, I’ve felt more able to write. I don’t want to comment on the anxiety, on whether it’s passed or not because that just makes my anxiety worse. If it comes back after making a statement like that, it will just be even more of a struggle. So regardless of the anxiety, I’ve felt more able to write and am currently in the middle of my second song. I love writing again and I love having writing briefs to explore and experiment with. So, so far (without the stress of assessment), I’m really enjoying it.

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Also, I have a really small group and so we’re getting to know each other pretty quickly, which is really nice. It’s so inspiring to hear the developing music of others again, as well as getting feedback on your own fresh work. I’ve really missed that.

I’M RELEASING AN EP

WHAT?!

Yes, I’m releasing my first EP. My God, it’s been an emotional complicated process. I’ve gone through so much since I decided I wanted to release an EP last year and I honestly don’t even recognise myself. I’ll talk more about that in a minute but first, let me introduce you to the project…

And I’ve just announced the first single…

If you want to get the information as soon as it’s released, you can follow my social medias, which are all listed on the main page of the blog.

I don’t think I could untangle my feelings about the songs if I had thousands of words to do so but I think a big part of that is all the anxiety I’ve been struggling with. Living with extreme anxiety, everything feels like the wrong choice, everything makes me feel sick and useless and miserable. It’s really hard to be excited about releasing something like this, about anything, when I feel like that. So it’s a struggle. I’m trying to be positive and enthusiastic because I have been those things but I’m finding it hard right now. But a lot of hard work and love went into these songs and this project and I am really proud of that.

More details soon!

I’M LIVING IN A MELTDOWN

I was going to write a whole post about this but then all this time passed and it just made sense to include it here.

Just over a month ago, I had the worst meltdown I’ve ever had. In the middle of Victoria train station (for those of you not familiar, one of the biggest train stations in the UK). A big plan had been changed and the new one was vague and I was alone and anxious already. I completely fell apart: sobbing and shaking and hyperventilating. There was nowhere quiet to go so I curled up in a chair, desperate not to be seen, desperate to disappear. I couldn’t think. I didn’t know what to do. And I couldn’t get hold of anyone on the phone so I had no one to give me advice or help me calm down. Eventually I did manage to get hold of my Mum and she had to literally walk me step by step onto a train home, plans abandoned.

Usually it takes me a couple of days to recover from a meltdown, sometimes a week if it was a really bad one. I feel anxious and fragile and raw and completely overwhelmed. But this time, those feelings didn’t go away. Over the last month, I’ve been constantly filled with extreme anxiety, so much so that I’ve been almost unable to function. I’ve felt so fragile and so easily overwhelmed that any new stress has triggered a meltdown, resulting in multiple meltdowns a day: screaming and crying and throwing things. It’s been absolutely hideous. It’s like I’m permanently living in a meltdown, with waves of anxiety and hypersensitivity and then the waves of shouting and crying. I don’t know if that makes sense; I’m still looking for the perfect metaphor, at least for my experience.

So all of this has affected every other part of my life. Sometimes I can push through it and manage what I need to manage and sometimes – a lot of the time right now – I can’t. I’m trying. I’m doing my best.


So now you’re up to date. To a degree. Some of this stuff is really hard to explain, as I’m sure you know if you’ve experienced it or anything like it. There’s a lot going on, a lot of stressful stuff in particular, so life isn’t exactly a cakewalk right now. But as I said, I’m trying.

I hope you’re all well, or at least coping as well as you can. Hopefully I’ll post again soon.