Two Years In

As of today, we have been living in the ‘new house’ for two years. So it’s not exactly new. But after living somewhere for fifteen years, two years feels like nothing. In fifteen years, I became a person, my own person. Then I blinked and two years went by. It’s not even comparable.

There were so, so many good memories in the ‘old’ house: the late night games me and my brother would play where we made nests out of our bedding, bringing Lucky home at eight weeks old, listening to the same Annie Lennox CD every year as we decorated the Christmas tree, evenings watching TV as a family, my Dad telling us made up Harry Potter stories until we fell asleep, waking up to Snubby curled up on the pillow next to me even if it meant a mouthful of fur, big dinners with family and friends, bringing Lucy home, things as simple as coming home to the living room windows open and Wimbledon on the television. There are more good memories than I can count.

There were also bad memories, like my Mum crying after her Dad died, coming home after being bullied at school, watching my brother come home after being bullied at school, the early meltdowns, Lucky getting sick, having my heart broken for the first time, being told my cat was terminally ill, taking her to the vet that last time and coming home without her… finding out that my Dad had died. They aren’t memories I want to spend time with but they are moments that made me who I am and so I need them safe. And those walls kept them safe for years. But memories aren’t like possessions. You can’t pack them into a box when you leave a place. So what if you reach your new house and they haven’t travelled with you? At least not with the same clarity, in the same condition, that they were in where you previously lived? What if small details have been left behind?

“So what is it that makes us mourn the loss of a structure? It’s not the great architecture, or the way the light pours in through the windows in the morning. It’s the loss of the vessel that held our memories. It’s almost as if leaving a home rich in such a lived-in history causes our memories to spill out everywhere, and we feel like we’ve spun out of orbit, scrambling to collect them… But we have to remember that we have lost the vessel, not the memories. We just have to build a new place to hold them.” – Kelli Kehler on Design Sponge (x)

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been walking around, looking at the house and trying to figure out how I feel about it, how I feel about the fact that it’s been two years since we left the place that I’d always considered home. I’d never thought far enough ahead to consider anywhere else home. This is where I live now – I know that – but when I think of home, it’s the old house. But that’s not home anymore either because it’s got other people in it who will have changed things – who will be filling it with their own memories – so I’m not sure where ‘home’ is. In a way, I feel kind of homeless. It doesn’t help that even though we’ve been here two years, we haven’t had much time to do anything to make it ours. Not really.

It’s a grieving process. And it’s one that hasn’t been properly dealt with because there’s been so much going on: medication changes, going back to university, challenges with my mental health. To say it’s been hard is a pretty huge understatement. It’s been one of the hardest things to happen in my life.

But I guess there’s a reason we call it a grieving process. Because it is a process. Our feelings change day to day. We move forward, we move back. Our emotions heighten, they settle, and then they heighten again. It’s ever changing. So rather than sum up the last two years, I’m trying just to think about now and when I think about now, this is what comes to mind: most days, it’s okay or it’s at least not something I think about. But there are still days where I hate it, where it feels like I’m walking around wearing someone else’s skin.

I’ve read various articles about moving out of your childhood home and adjusting to a new house and something that came up a lot was finding things you like about your new surroundings and where you find things you don’t like, try to figure out why and what you can do about it.

So here are some examples…

What do I love about it?

  • The living room feels like a safe bubble, where I can shut out the world when I need to. I especially like it since we hung fairy lights around the room. Plus it’s where the cats spend most of their time.
  • I like the white curtains in my room and the living room. I’d only ever had dark coloured curtains so I thought I’d hate them when we moved in but I actually really like them. As a person who’s sensitive to light, it’s really nice to be able to block out the bright light but still have natural light in the room.
  • I love the fireplace. It’s beautiful and fires in the winter is something that me and my Mum look forward to all year.
  • I love the big, glass double doors that lead out into the garden, which has a deck, a eucalyptus tree, and yellow roses. It’s the perfect garden.

What don’t I love and how can I change those things?

  • I don’t love my room. It’s not MY room; it’s just a room I sleep in. I don’t hate it – I like the colour and the curtains and the bed – but I don’t love it. I want to go through my clothes and get rid of things that don’t feel like me, put some pictures up, and generally just make the space ‘feel’ right. But, to a degree, I think that’s something I’ll only know when I feel it.
  • I want a space to make music – even if it’s tiny – where I can put my laptop, microphone, MIDI keyboard, and so on. I just want my own little space, not something I have to reassemble every time I want to record something.
  • Both me and Mum really dislike the bathroom. We don’t dwell on it but not a week goes by that one of us doesn’t curse one element of it or another. The floorboards are super squeaky, the flooring is ugly, it’s cramped, and it’s just impractically planned out. It’s the only room we’ve always wanted to completely re-do. We’d started the planning process but obviously that’s on hold while we’re in lockdown.
  • The house is still a bit bare, a bit impersonal. It still doesn’t quite feel like ours. I couldn’t figure out why until recently, when I looked around and realised that we still haven’t put up more than a couple of pictures. So me and Mum have pledged to put more personal touches around the house, as well as put up more pictures and photos. Given the lockdown, this is one of the few ‘decorating’ things we can do without leaving the house.

Me and Mum have been talking about this, about this feeling, for quite a while. But with my Masters, I haven’t had the time or the energy to do much about it. And Mum’s been working and helping me manage everything. But my second semester is ending and we’re stuck in lockdown so we’re planning to carve out some time to get more comfortable here – or get me more comfortable, at least, as the one more sensitive to this issue. We won’t be going out to get paint or new tiles or anything like that given the current situation but since we’re both stuck in the house with some extra free time, we thought we’d start with the things we can do while in lockdown, like putting up pictures. We also have a scale drawing of my room and cut outs of my furniture and have been moving them around to try and create a set up that is both practical and feels right to me, enough at least to try out.

So we’ll see how it goes. Nothing’s going to change overnight, but then what does? One step at a time, hopefully this house will feel more like home.

Tips for moving out of your childhood home. (x)

A Very Late 25th Birthday Post

Last year, I wrote a post around my birthday about adding some rules to the celebration, mainly to make the experience more enjoyable and more memorable: do something you wouldn’t normally do and buy yourself something you wouldn’t normally buy. For my twenty fourth birthday, I ran my dog’s hydrotherapy session and bought myself a typewriter. It was really special so I thought I’d do it again this year… I’m just very late. Last September, my mental health was awful and I’d just started my Masters so my birthday wasn’t the first thing on my mind. A lot of the celebrations got delayed; I only got one of my birthday presents a couple of weeks ago. But that doesn’t matter to me. What matters to me is that it matters, that it feels special.

So here are the results of the rules for my 25th birthday…

Rule #1: Do something you wouldn’t normally do.

On Sunday 8th March, I saw Halsey at the O2 Arena and she was absolutely incredible, as I knew she would be. Back when I booked the tickets, I knew I would want to see her again. As I’ve said before, “I often get overwhelmed mid show and so seeing [a show] multiple times allows me to get the full experience – and why would you not want to see a show you love more than once [if you can afford to], especially if it’s only on for a limited time?” So after booking the London tickets, I talked to my Mum about seeing Halsey again, despite the fact that the closest possible show was in Dublin. We’d talked about taking a short trip – a few days somewhere – to celebrate my 25th birthday and up until now, I haven’t been able to think of somewhere I wanted to go (we’d thought about a few extra days in America but it clashes with university stuff this year) or do until now. So we planned our little trip to Dublin, trying to miss as little uni time as possible. And I’m really glad we did because she, Halsey, has since said that she plans not to tour for an indefinite period of time after this. So taking this extra opportunity to see her before that  happens became very important to me.

As I said, she was incredible in London – it was probably one of the best shows I’ve ever seen – but I want to focus on the Dublin show (on the 10th March), as that was my birthday trip. And besides, the London show being special doesn’t make the Dublin show less special. It was just special in different ways.

The arena wasn’t hugely well organised and the disabled area didn’t have a great view – Halsey has such beautiful images on the screens behind her that it was frustrating to have a significant section of it blocked by the lighting rig, etc. So it wasn’t ideal but being able to sit and still see is always such a relief. After the London show where I couldn’t get a disabled ticket and ended up having to stand to see (I’m still not used to being ‘disabled’ or ‘partially disabled’ – I’m not sure what the right term is for someone with Autism, mental health problems, chronic pain, and chronic fatigue is – so I do keep trying to tough it out, which often turns out to be a bad idea). That caused terrible leg pain that’s ongoing. So sitting down for the show was a huge, huge relief, even if we weren’t in a great position.

The show was amazing. Halsey is an incredible performer and some of the highlights for me were ‘Castle,’ ‘Forever… (Is A Long Time),’ ‘3am,’ ‘100 Letters (Acoustic),’ ‘Is There Somewhere,’ ‘Graveyard,’ ‘929,’ ‘Ashley,’ and ‘Gasoline.’ I could list all of them really because each performance was so powerful and so full of passion and electric energy. The vocals, the band, the backgrounds, the platforms hanging from the ceiling… they were all SO GOOD. She gives everything to every song, to every aspect of the show. And as much as I love all of that, the part I love the most is the way she talks to the crowd. It’s so honest and sincere and special and somehow she makes it feel like the concert is a secret between you and her. I don’t know how she does it. But I’m in awe.

It was a really special birthday present and I’m really grateful. We had barely any time in Dublin but the point of going was the concert and the concert was amazing. Halsey and her music are so special to me and her shows are so special to me but this show – these two shows – have been the most special. Turning twenty five was really scary and stressful for me and so, to celebrate that milestone – and celebrate coping with it – with someone who actually shares the same birthday as me… well, that was extra special.

Rule #2: Buy yourself something you wouldn’t normally buy.

I was browsing through a vintage jewellery shop recently, just looking really, because I’d seen some jewellery in the window that might work for a music video. I didn’t find anything for the video but I found this ring that I just fell in love with (and another similar one that I also loved). It’s not a colour I’d normally choose and it was a bit expensive when I’m about to go on several trips but I took a couple of weeks to think about it and even went back several times to look at it. But eventually I decided that I really, truly loved this one so I decided to buy it.

It’s a little bit big and probably needs to be resized slightly but I’ve been wearing it around the house ever since because I’m just in love with it. It’s beautiful. I can’t wait to wear it out during the day. I’m so happy with it and my choice to buy it.

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So it was a very late birthday celebration – almost six months late – but they were really good celebrations. I just wasn’t ready or capable at the time. I like to think that they showed up when I was ready. So maybe I’m ready to be twenty five now. Or maybe not. But I sure as hell celebrated it.

A Lot Has Been Happening

My sincerest apologies for not posting in so long. Life has been hectic and difficult and busy and strange. It’s been really difficult to write, to write anything at all (apart from my diary, which I’ll explain in a minute) so I just had to give myself a break from posting here and hope that you guys would understand. It’s just been too much. I don’t think I’m ‘back,’ but hopefully there won’t be such big gaps between posts and maybe we’ll even get back to weekly posts at some point.

So here’s what’s been going on, so you’re all up to date…


TWENTY FIFTH BIRTHDAY

First things first, I turned twenty five. I’m not gonna lie, I was having a bit of a quarter century crisis. There’s a definite milestone about turning eighteen and then twenty one but turning twenty five felt (and still feels) like a big step into adulthood and I’m finding that very scary. I still feel stuck at seventeen: young and naïve and vulnerable. So I’m struggling with it a bit.

The day itself was a struggle. My anxiety is through the roof (which I’ll talk about it in a minute) but the compulsive writing of my diary (something I’ve struggled with on and off for a long time) has become really extreme, to the point where I’ve been finding it difficult to do anything else. So while I had some really lovely moments on my birthday (twenty five yellow roses from my Mum, some really lovely presents, and dinner with my family), all I could think about was how I should be writing, how I was wasting time that should be spent catching up with my diary. It was very upsetting because there were so many things I’d rather be doing than writing my diary or stressing about it.

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I’ve had a habit of many years to think on my birthday ‘this year will be better’ or ‘this year I’ll be happier.’ But I’m done with that. I’m not going to waste time comparing the ups and downs of the last several years but I never felt as if those statements came true. I always felt as if I was struggling just as much, if not more so, than the year before. So, as I said, I’m done with that. I have no expectations of this year. At the moment I’m too anxious to think beyond the next week or so, so I don’t even really feel capable or doing it anyway. It’s all too overwhelming.

Anyway, I’m twenty five. I’m not sure what that means yet. So I guess we’ll see.

I’VE STARTED A MASTERS

Unsurprisingly, it’s in songwriting. I’m doing it part time so I only have half the workload as a traditional Masters student and that has turned out to be absolutely the right choice. At the time, my main reason was because it would allow me to really take in what I was learning and apply it to my songwriting, rather than just absorbing it only to regurgitate it for an exam or coursework piece. And that’s still true but it’s turned out to be completely necessary for my mental health. One day of classes (plus the commuting) requires at least two days of recovery and my mental health, particularly my anxiety, has made it very, very difficult to complete the work required and so having only half the workload and the extra time to do it in has been a blessing.

I’m just about to start week three and so far, I’m really, really enjoying the classes. This first module is about Creative Process, the theory of it and the exploration of our own, and the content we’re covering and discussing is just fascinating. I actually wish the two hour lecture was longer. For example, we just learned about autoethnography (exploring your personal experience and how it connects to wider cultures and experiences and so on) and it’s really hard not to stop my current research and just dive face first into that.

But anyway, the practical songwriting class has been a bit up and down for me personally. My writing massively depends on my mental health and so when I’m really anxious, I find it impossible to write. During the first week, I barely managed to turn in a song but this week, I’ve felt more able to write. I don’t want to comment on the anxiety, on whether it’s passed or not because that just makes my anxiety worse. If it comes back after making a statement like that, it will just be even more of a struggle. So regardless of the anxiety, I’ve felt more able to write and am currently in the middle of my second song. I love writing again and I love having writing briefs to explore and experiment with. So, so far (without the stress of assessment), I’m really enjoying it.

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Also, I have a really small group and so we’re getting to know each other pretty quickly, which is really nice. It’s so inspiring to hear the developing music of others again, as well as getting feedback on your own fresh work. I’ve really missed that.

I’M RELEASING AN EP

WHAT?!

Yes, I’m releasing my first EP. My God, it’s been an emotional complicated process. I’ve gone through so much since I decided I wanted to release an EP last year and I honestly don’t even recognise myself. I’ll talk more about that in a minute but first, let me introduce you to the project…

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And here is my big announcement!⁣ ⁣ Over the next nine months, I will be releasing an EP of five songs. I’ve been waiting to release new music for so long and I’m so emotional about you guys finally hearing these songs. The EP is called ‘Honest’, and I’ve been working with some fantastic people for a long time on these songs so I’m really excited to finally let them find their place in the world. ⁣ ⁣ Keep an eye out because I’ll be sharing more details of the first track next week.⁣ ⁣ ***⁣ ⁣ This EP is essentially a short story, a short story about my experiences with mental health up until now. It’s been difficult and excruciating and frustrating and lonely, but it started getting better when I started writing about it and talking about it, even if it just meant I wasn’t keeping it tightly sealed inside myself. I’ve worked hard to get myself into a better place but I don’t know if the ground will ever truly settle, if I’ll dig up all the landmines. We all have our struggles, our fears, our ghosts but maybe being honest is the first step, whoever it may be with.

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And I’ve just announced the first single…

If you want to get the information as soon as it’s released, you can follow my social medias, which are all listed on the main page of the blog.

I don’t think I could untangle my feelings about the songs if I had thousands of words to do so but I think a big part of that is all the anxiety I’ve been struggling with. Living with extreme anxiety, everything feels like the wrong choice, everything makes me feel sick and useless and miserable. It’s really hard to be excited about releasing something like this, about anything, when I feel like that. So it’s a struggle. I’m trying to be positive and enthusiastic because I have been those things but I’m finding it hard right now. But a lot of hard work and love went into these songs and this project and I am really proud of that.

More details soon!

I’M LIVING IN A MELTDOWN

I was going to write a whole post about this but then all this time passed and it just made sense to include it here.

Just over a month ago, I had the worst meltdown I’ve ever had. In the middle of Victoria train station (for those of you not familiar, one of the biggest train stations in the UK). A big plan had been changed and the new one was vague and I was alone and anxious already. I completely fell apart: sobbing and shaking and hyperventilating. There was nowhere quiet to go so I curled up in a chair, desperate not to be seen, desperate to disappear. I couldn’t think. I didn’t know what to do. And I couldn’t get hold of anyone on the phone so I had no one to give me advice or help me calm down. Eventually I did manage to get hold of my Mum and she had to literally walk me step by step onto a train home, plans abandoned.

Usually it takes me a couple of days to recover from a meltdown, sometimes a week if it was a really bad one. I feel anxious and fragile and raw and completely overwhelmed. But this time, those feelings didn’t go away. Over the last month, I’ve been constantly filled with extreme anxiety, so much so that I’ve been almost unable to function. I’ve felt so fragile and so easily overwhelmed that any new stress has triggered a meltdown, resulting in multiple meltdowns a day: screaming and crying and throwing things. It’s been absolutely hideous. It’s like I’m permanently living in a meltdown, with waves of anxiety and hypersensitivity and then the waves of shouting and crying. I don’t know if that makes sense; I’m still looking for the perfect metaphor, at least for my experience.

So all of this has affected every other part of my life. Sometimes I can push through it and manage what I need to manage and sometimes – a lot of the time right now – I can’t. I’m trying. I’m doing my best.


So now you’re up to date. To a degree. Some of this stuff is really hard to explain, as I’m sure you know if you’ve experienced it or anything like it. There’s a lot going on, a lot of stressful stuff in particular, so life isn’t exactly a cakewalk right now. But as I said, I’m trying.

I hope you’re all well, or at least coping as well as you can. Hopefully I’ll post again soon.