Finding HopeEveryday Essentials
Posted on July 1, 2023
Given my health situation – living with multiple chronic illnesses that require daily management – I thought it might be interesting to make a list of the things I need and use everyday and maybe if any of you guys live with chronic illnesses, you could compare it to what you use. Are these things helpful to you? Might they be? Are there things that are helpful to you that aren’t on this list?
GLASSES – This is a pretty obvious one. I can’t see three feet in front of my face without them; I am incredibly short-sighted. Both of my biological parents are or were short sighted and I believe that certain forms of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS) can affect your eyesight. Regardless, I’m not going anywhere without my glasses.
MEDICATION – I have certain medications that I have to take everyday, as well as some that are situation dependent. The most important are my anti-depressant, Phenelzine, and the beta-blocker, Propranolol, and I really feel it if I don’t take them; while it took them a while to take effect at the beginning, it can through everything off course if I miss a day. So taking your meds… very important!
PAINKILLERS – Okay, this isn’t an everyday occurrence but it’s very common, especially at the moment (I hurt my back about a month ago – a story for another time). I have them on me all the time and I regret it if I don’t. Pain can be so debilitating and if I don’t have something to manage them, if only to get home, then I’m in really trouble. I also get migraines that absolutely incapacitate me so having the pills that help with those is vital. I often feel like a walking pharmacy but I’ve learned the hard way – several times – that it’s better to be prepared.
LOTS OF WATER – Generally, none of us are drinking enough water but as a person with Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), I’m sure I’m not, as hard as I try. When I was diagnosed, the recommendation was that I drink more than double what a person without hEDS is supposed to drink (x); I’ve been trying to build up my water intake but it’s a slow process. I also have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), which often occurs with hEDS, and includes symptoms like dizziness, light-headedness, swelling in the legs after standing for short periods of time, palpitations, fainting, and more, all of which can increase in intensity when a person is dehydrated, after exercising, or during hot weather (I want to write a more in depth post about all of this when I have more time). Dehydration has also been linked to an increase in pain sensitivity (x). Increasing water intake has proven to help POTS symptoms so I’m doing my best to always have water with me (or cordial if the taste of water becomes a struggle, something my nutritionist okayed, given that I’d still be getting the fluids) and I think it’s helping me to drink more (x). It’s surprisingly hard though, to drink that much water.
MY PHONE – I know that many people talk about needing breaks and time away from their phones but, in general, having my phone around is more helpful than it isn’t. I find social media pretty triggering for my anxiety so I rarely find myself scrolling through Facebook or Twitter or Instagram (and I hate TikTok more than I can even articulate) whereas I find the apps for setting alarms and timers helpful, Duolingo really good for my anxiety (and mental health in general), and the Notes app vital to writing down thoughts and ideas to follow up on. I do find it stressful that it means anyone has access to me, can contact me whenever they want, but then Airplane Mode is right there… But generally, my phone is more helpful than not.
MY BULLET JOURNAL – Between my ADHD and my general anxiety about being organised, my bullet journal (or what began as a bullet journal and has evolved into a more personalised version of the system) is all but permanently attached to me. It has my list of commitments, the list of things I want to get done during the day, and anything else that might be relevant, like stuff to do with the cats or the house. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without it.
FIDGET TOYS – My hair pulling has been particularly bad recently (plus I’ve seriously struggled with chewing the callouses on my fingertips and tearing at a scar on my face) and after years of dealing with it, I have a slightly ridiculous collection of fidget toys that I rotate using as the urge to pull varies; sometimes certain fidgets are more effective than others. So I usually have at least within reach, whether that’s wherever I am or in my bag.
NOISE-CANCELLING HEADPHONES – Having had some very unpleasant experiences with just how loud the world is (you may remember this particular disaster), I got an amazing set of noise-cancelling headphones that have made navigating my hometown, London, transport systems, etc so much easier. I’ve recommended them to multiple people and those who got them have agreed that they make life – and all of its noise – a lot more manageable.
FACE MASK AND HAND SANITISER – I know that, for a lot of people, it feels like the pandemic has ended but, for many, many others, it hasn’t. I know immunocompromised people, those struggling with Long COVID, people who are still getting COVID and getting seriously sick so it certainly doesn’t feel over to me. If I’m out, I’m pretty neurotic about hand sanitiser and wearing a mask; I’m not perfect and I do sometimes forget, especially if I’m feeling overwhelmed in a social situation and there’s no prompt of other people wearing masks, but I’m still pretty on the case about it all.
A HIDDEN DISABILITIES SUNFLOWER LANYARD – I’m not sure when I first got my sunflower lanyard and I can’t honestly say it’s changed my life but there are certain places that it does make life easier, like at airports and concerts (and getting support in those sorts of places is so important). Mostly I wear it when travelling around London because having a big ‘autistic’ label around my neck reminds people to take care and hopefully be a bit more aware of what they’re doing and what’s going on around them. I’m sure there are people who see it and it makes them uncomfortable or contrary or belligerent (because, in my experience, those people tend to be everywhere) and I think there are places where it probably makes me more vulnerable but, on the whole, it tends to be helpful if I use my judgement.
JOINT SUPPORTS – Because of my hEDS, I struggle with a lot of pain in my joints (the gift that keeps on giving) so I have a handful of different supports and braces. I mainly use them for my knee and for my wrists, but I also have one for my back. They not only really help with my stability – something I’m struggling with more and more – but, as with my sunflower lanyard, they remind people that I am kind of fragile and that they need to be careful around me, especially on trains and the underground etc.
POLARISED SUNGLASSES – The last time I went to get new glasses, I mentioned that I have hEDS and the optician recommended getting polarised sunglasses because they can help with light sensitivity, something that many people with EDS struggle with: our eyes are sensitive can get really tired because they are made up of 80% collagen, which is – as we know – what EDS negatively affects. And if you can reduce the strain on your eyes – which these glasses do, even if you’re inside but it’s still very bright – then you can hopefully reduce the chances of developing problems with your eyes (again, EDS: the gift that keeps on giving).
LIP BALM – A common symptom of multiple types of EDS is sensitive skin and that can manifest as dry lips (and cracked lips that take ages to heal) so I try to always have a good lip balm around. My personal preference is the EOS Crystal Lip Balm in Hibiscus Peach, which I’m not totally sure they make anymore but it’s still available through various online stores. But it’s their crystal lip balms that are best for hydrating your lips (but it’s worth reading this article because some people have had allergic reactions to certain ingredients); the previous, more waxy versions were nice but I didn’t find them to be super effective. This one helps my skin recover really quickly (and stay hydrated) and I can barely feel it on my lips, a plus considering that the sensory experience of make up and skincare can be really difficult for me. But there are a lot of great ones out there; I’ve used several from The Body Shop that I would recommend too.
CBD GUMMIES – Over the last couple of years, my sleep schedule – for the most part – has been awful. Most nights I was getting a fractured few hours and then there were nights where I didn’t sleep at all. It was horrible and it just made my mental health even worse, which was pretty impressive given how bad it was when my sleep was at its worst. I felt like I’d tried every strategy ever suggested, including some pretty strong prescription sleeping pills; they worked-ish but I suffered from some pretty miserable side effects for not much reward. I’d always been vaguely resistant to trying CBD based products for some reason – I’m not really sure why – but I was desperate and ended up trying a few different types of CBD gummies. Within a few days, my sleep was deep and reliable again. Months later, it’s remained pretty good. Plus it’s helped me avoid relying on prescription pills, which I’ve had to do in the past even though it’s not generally advised (this was with the approval of my doctor); taking them every night can increase your tolerance and so they stop working and no one really knows what the long term effects are, although some people become addicted and can experience symptoms like hallucinations. So avoiding that is definitely a pro on the pro-con list. Research is still being done around CBD but so far it seems that the only problems are certain drug interactions, which would just involve a conversation with a doctor. None of those interactions were a problem for me so I’ve been taking them consistently ever since and my sleep has been so much better. They’re a constant presence on my bedside table.
So I hope that was of some interest, at least. As I said in my introduction, let me know if you use these things; let me know if you use other things; let me know if there are things that might work better than the ones on this list! Over to you!
Another Autistic Summer
Posted on August 1, 2022
Summer as an autistic person can be really difficult. There are a lot of changes and some of them can feel quite extreme, quite overwhelming: the heat, the humidity, the general increase of people out and about… It can feel like a lot to deal with. I don’t pretend to know everything – not by any means – but I thought I’d share some of my thoughts and strategies for dealing with some of the big summer stresses…
SENSORY ISSUES
- Too bright – While bright skies are a sensory issue year-round, the summer months are hard in their own way: the light feels like it has a different intensity, it reflects back at me differently, it’s a different colour, it’s present for more hours of the day… It’s hard work on my eyes. I like working in my living room because it has white curtains, allowing for some light but without the glare (although anti-glare glasses are a good option to explore if you’re struggling inside). Outside, sunglasses are the obvious protective measure, but polarised sunglasses are better if you can get them.
- Too noisy – I find noisy environments very stressful and my anxiety only increases the longer I am in that noisy environment. The sensory overload is just too much and I become less and less able to function. And with more people around in the summer, the noisier it tends to be and therefore, the more stressed out I can get. I’ve found that the most effective coping mechanism is noise-cancelling headphones but playing music or audiobooks/podcasts through headphones and earplugs (if you find them helpful, you can have ones specially made – relatively inexpensively – to fit your ears, making them more effective) also work.
- Too hot – I’ve always found the heat of the summer very difficult and have been using open windows, fans, damp flannels and so on for years. But over the years, I’ve found the noise that regular fans make more and more anxiety-provoking so I finally invested in a Dyson silent fan. It was expensive (note: they are less expensive outside the summer months) but it was one of the best investments I ever made in managing my day to day health; it’s the most effective fan I’ve ever had and I use it year round. It’s more than made up for the expense. It’s also important to remember to drink as much water as you can – this is especially important for those with hEDS as well as dehydration makes the symptoms worse. Carrying a water bottle with you, having an app that reminds you to drink regularly, and so on can help you to remember and help you to build it into your routine.
- Different clothes – Following on from problems with heat, that often demands an entirely different wardrobe, which can be a less than comfortable change, literally and figuratively. It can involve different, uncomfortable fabrics or less fabric altogether, which can result in chafing or just feeling really exposed when people look at you. Finding specific fabrics – like cotton or linen – that aren’t irritating can be helpful. Layering, so that you can stay covered up as much as you need to to be comfortable, with thin fabrics can allow you to balance the need to keep cool and the need to be covered. And if you find a piece of clothing that really works for you, I recommend getting several to avoid the repeated stress of trying to find comfortable clothes.
- Crowds – As we know, in the summer, there are more people out and about and the world just feels more crowded. Public places are busier and that can be really stressful. Especially with the anxiety around COVID-19, crowds and crowded places can feel overwhelming which can cause anxiety attacks or meltdowns. The obvious advice is to avoid busy places at peak times but we all know that that’s not always possible. We all have our own strategies for managing anxiety but the ones I find most helpful in this situation are having someone I trust with me, giving myself plenty of time so that I don’t have that additional pressure, and I’ve also found the sunflower lanyard useful in certain places.
CHANGES IN ROUTINE
- Day to day changes – For some of us, our routines change regularly with the seasons but that doesn’t make it any less stressful. As someone who finds change very stressful, I try to make these changes slowly so that I have time to adjust and don’t end up feeling overwhelmed. It requires planning but it can really reduce anxiety.
- Loss of structure – While this isn’t, of course, applicable to everyone, the summer is often when people have time off from their usual occupation or go away on holiday. And with these things, we often find ourselves without structure. A lack of externally imposed structure can lead to a lot of aimlessness and/or anxiety so learning to build our own structures is a good skill; you don’t have to fill your schedule from opening your eyes in the morning to closing them at night but giving yourself things to do and think about (beyond their inherent value) keeps you moving and feeling and living. I do struggle with this but I’ve found it really helpful to have my family prompt me when I get stuck in a rut.
- Seeing less of some people and more of others – As I talked about in my BPD Awareness Month post, I get very anxious about my relationships and fearful that I’ll mess them up or that my issues will be too much for people. So a big change in my routine of seeing friends makes me very anxious. Living with such limited energy, socialising is something I find stressful because it requires so much energy, even though I enjoy that actual spending time with people. I’m lucky that my good friends are really lovely and really understanding but I still worry. I haven’t really figured out a good way of dealing with this anxiety but I do try to be as honest as I can with my friends and family so at least we all always know what the situation is.
ANXIETY
- Trying to do too much – When I have free time, I often end up struggling with a lot of anxiety, usually about whether or not I’m using the time in the best way (partly due to the fear that if I say no to too many things, people will think I don’t care and eventually want nothing to do with me). This can result in trying to do too much, more than my health – my sensory issues, my energy levels, and so on – really allow me to, which can lead to meltdowns or feelings of burn out. Over the years, I have gotten better at judging what I can and can’t manage and what’s really important to me but I still find it difficult and stressful and sometimes upsetting. I think it comes down to practice and self-compassion but that’s easier said than done. (I know that I also have issues about being as productive as possible but I also have a lot of anxiety about time running out in general, in multiple aspects of my life, which means I often end up pushing myself too hard. But I can’t say I know what to do about those issues at this moment in time.)
- The stress of holidays – While there are fun things about holidays and travelling, there are a lot of really stressful aspects, from the actual travel like flying to all the new-ness to being cut off from all of the normal coping mechanisms. There’s also a weird expectation to have fun on holiday that can create added pressure. Personally, I’ve found that the absolute best thing I can do in these situations is just talk to whoever I’m with and try to be realistic about what I can manage, although it’s still a learning curve. It doesn’t always feel like enough but I’m still learning to adjust my expectations to fit with my physical ability; I struggle with feeling guilty about ‘wasting opportunities’ too but, as I said, learning to let that go is a process and requires practice and self-compassion.
- Anxiety around what comes next – This is the first year where I haven’t been in education (or had education on the very near horizon) so I can only really speak to the experience of being in education and how it can, at times, feel like an endless hamster wheel. Every year, there’s the freedom of the summer holidays but there’s anxiety too. I always had this anxiety in the back of my mind about what the next year would bring, having finally gotten comfortable in the patterns of the year just gone. After all this time and all these years, the new academic year still stressed me out to an almost unbearable level so I don’t really know how we, as (disabled/neurodivergent/struggling) students, are supposed to manage that stress. I think a big part of it is on the schools and how they handle the roll out of the new year and talking to the school about it can help but, personally, I haven’t had much experience with that making things better. But I have to hope that they will eventually improve.
I know it’s been a while since my last post. A lot has happened and I’ve been having a really, really hard time. Some of that is stuff that I would like to write about at some point but I still feel like I’m stuck in the middle of it. Plus, I’ve been really struggling to write – with even being able to string a sentence together – which hasn’t been helping anything. Things still aren’t great – which may be the biggest understatement of my life – but I miss writing and I miss writing for this blog so I’m trying to push through. I wrote most of this a while ago and, given how hot it’s been recently, I wanted to get it up while it might still be helpful. I hope it is.
Goodbye Moclobemide
Posted on June 11, 2022
TW: Mentions of suicidal thoughts.
After a couple of months of Moclobemide, it became increasingly clear that it wasn’t really working. It was better than nothing but it wasn’t good enough; I was having less bad days than I’d been having previously but I wasn’t having many good days. I don’t expect constant happiness – I know that that’s not a realistic dream – but I have to believe it’s better than this. But, in order to try something new, I had to get off the Moclobemide first.
I was taking 300mg twice daily before I began to reduce the Moclobemide and I came off it fast. As always, this was a process I discussed with my psychiatrist and we made all of the decisions together, dependent on my medical history and our joint understanding of my reactions to these kinds of medications. This is just my experience. Please don’t start, change, or stop taking any medications without the advice and support of a medical professional.
150mg Twice Daily (+ 20mg Propranolol Twice Daily)
The first phase of the reduction was a little over a week and I didn’t feel particularly different. I was still feeling depressed and hopeless and miserable; I was so incredibly anxious. I didn’t want to be around people: I just felt so overwhelmed and oversensitive. I was feeling pretty unmoored and lost but on the worst days I felt pathetic and unaccomplished and useless. It was awful. Plus, it was a pretty hard week: although I had one really good hangout with a friend, I also had two quite upsetting medical appointments and a migraine that lasted several days.
Sleep-wise, it was still a struggle – as it has been for months. Getting to sleep was frustrating; sometimes it took hours, even on the few occasions that I took sleeping pills (I haven’t found them helpful since I tried ADHD medications back in November last year, which have thoroughly screwed up my sleep). The longer my difficulty with sleeping goes on, the more anxiety I have around it, which definitely isn’t helping. When I finally did sleep, I slept badly with the vivid, stressful dreams that I’ve come to associate with the changing of medications. I’d sleep late – into the afternoon – but even then, when I had managed to get up, I was still tired and sleepy, actually falling asleep on the sofa during the day several times.
I was craving food – particularly salty foods – but nothing satisfied the craving, which was incredibly frustrating.
It’s probably worth noting that I was in the middle of a pain flare up, with the pain mainly in my arms around the elbow. It was pretty bad, worse than the chronic pain has been for a while. It was especially bad in the mornings and was part of why I struggled to get up once I finally managed to wake up. It was so bad one day that I had to cancel my hydrotherapy session because just the thought of washing my hair in the shower had me near tears. Fortunately, it did start to get better by the end of the first phase, much to my relief.
150mg Once Daily (+ 20mg Propranolol Twice Daily)
The second phase of reducing the Moclobemide lasted ten days. It was a hard week: I was very depressed (and the suicidal thoughts were back) and I was easily overwhelmed and upset. It felt like my brain just wouldn’t shut up and kept magnifying all of the most distressing or anxiety-provoking thoughts I had; I was doing my best to keep myself distracted by mundane stuff as much as possible but I wasn’t always successful. As I said, it was a really hard week.
It was still taking me hours to get to sleep, even on the nights I was falling asleep on the sofa. Most nights, I slept badly and I had more of the same vivid, stressful dreams (and nightmares) before struggling to wake up, no earlier than eleven. I was sleepy within an hour of waking and Red Bull didn’t seem to help. I was so tired and so sleepy during the day; I fell asleep on the sofa in the day several times during those ten days. I was so tired all the time that I struggled to get anything done.
I was still craving the sensation of eating – especially salty foods, as I said – but again, food just wasn’t satisfying or filling in any way. I’ve got it under control for the most part – I’m getting better at resisting the urges and eating according to what I should be eating and not what I randomly want to eat which I then get no pleasure out of anyway – but it’s very frustrating. I’m also talking to a nutritionist about the specific salt craving and she’s sent off for blood tests to determine whether I have a vitamin or mineral deficiency that needs attending to.
The chronic pain got bad again after it’s momentary dip. It was so bad that it was repeatedly waking me up in the night and washing and drying my hair was an exhausting experience. I had several really bad pain days that made it a struggle to concentrate, to do anything. I also had a several horrible migraines that took me out of commission for a couple of days each, which was very unpleasant. They have been worse though so I’m grateful for that.
Washout (+ 20mg Propranolol Twice Daily)
The one day washout period was awful. I was deeply depressed with suicidal thoughts; I was barely functional. Fortunately, it was just one day without medication rather than the usual two weeks. That’s always the worst part of changing medications for me so I’m grateful that it was so short this time.
So coming off the Moclobemide wasn’t fun but it wasn’t as terrible as it could have been either. I’ve definitely had worse. I’m just glad it’s over and now I’m onto the next medication, which will hopefully be better. It’s hard to stay hopeful when I just seem to be finding medications that don’t work but even when I do feel hopeless, I honestly don’t know what else to do. So I just keep going.
[I just thought I’d add that, a few days after this, the chronic pain faded and I started to feel a lot better. So that was very good news.]
Finding Hope 