Finding HopeAutism Dogs – It’s A Match!
Posted on February 9, 2025
NOTE: Between my brain fog and a WordPress update, I lost track of the post between the first post – The Application – and this post, where I went up to the Autism Dogs farm to discuss the Advanced Tasks my dog would need to learn and met a few of the dogs they’re currently training. That post is here, in case you missed it. This post follows that one.
In April 2024, I went up to the Autism Dogs farm to discuss Advanced Tasks and meet some of their current dogs to get a sense of what breed of dog would be a good fit for me. We came to the conclusion that a female Labrador would be the best choice and not long after, in May, they contacted me to tell me that they had a potential match, a female black Labrador called River. They sent us a couple of photos and although she was very cute, I was reluctant to open myself up to getting attached before I’d even met her. What if I fell in love with her and then we weren’t compatible? I wanted to meet her before I let myself feel anything. So I waited – both excitedly and anxiously – for our next trip up to the farm.
It takes several hours for us to get up to the farm so my Mum and I caught the train to Stoke-on-Trent and I stayed over the night before at the Holiday Inn (they were dog-friendly and had many of my safe foods). We got there without too much trouble, although I do find travel tiring, and settled into our room – which had the biggest bathroom I think I’ve ever seen. Given how busy my week had been, having a quiet evening before our session with Autism Dogs and before meeting River wasn’t the worst thing.
Originally, the plan had been to bring Izzy so that she and River could meet but, as we got on the train, they called and asked us not to bring her as River had a bit of a cough; she’d be seeing the vet within the next day or two and they weren’t worried but they were reluctant to have the two dogs mixing just in case it was something infectious. But we were already on the train with Izzy so one of the team would look after her while we met River and the two could meet on the next visit should everything go well.
Izzy had never been in a hotel room before and while she initially found it the most exciting thing ever, she did start to struggle with the noises on either side and in the corridor. She found it hard to settle and she barked a bit but she wasn’t too bad, all things considering; it was a completely new experience for her, on top of all the travelling. I mean, I was feeling quite overwhelmed so I’m surprised she wasn’t more unsettled.
The next morning, we got up and – after a breakfast of ALL safe foods! – got a cab to the Autism Dogs farm. Izzy hung out with a member of the team: given how adorable she is, I’ve yet to find someone who doesn’t want to spend time with her. And once she was settled, Mum and I got ready to meet River. She bounded into the room, this gorgeous black Labrador – bigger than the black Labrador I grew up with – bounded into the room, super excited and running back and forth between me and Mum. Her enthusiasm was infectious. But once she calmed down a bit, she was so sweet and so gentle: she curled up with her head in my lap, soft and warm and snuggly, so quickly. I was in love.
We got to just hang out with her for a bit: play and stroke and cuddle and just really get a feel for each other. It wasn’t a hard decision at all. Mum and I both felt like she was a really good fit: personality wise, good size, her fur isn’t a sensory issue for me, we have experience with Labradors… She was so sweet and affectionate and it just felt really right. The team members who were present for that session said that they don’t often see dogs connect so quickly.
Early on in the process, we had asked whether we would be able to name the dog I was matched with, as I had a specific name in mind – if possible. They said that that was unlike to be a problem, especially if it was the same amount of syllables as the original name. So River became Daisy, my personal superdog, inspired by Daisy Johnson of Agents of Shield (my special interest character for those of you who don’t know). And while I am, of course, biased, I think she looks more like a Daisy than a River.
I can’t get over how lovely she is and I can’t wait to start really working with her and learning the training and really building that bond. Unfortunately, we couldn’t stay there indefinitely so, when our time was up, we said goodbye to Daisy and were reunited with Izzy, who was very excited to see us. We caught a cab to the station and then the multiple trains home. We were all exhausted and so finally, finally getting home was wonderful. My bed had never been so appealing and me and Izzy snuggled down together. She’s handled the whole thing really well, given how many new and potentially overwhelming things she’d encountered over the previous two days; I was really proud of her.
It was a really good day and I can’t wait to visit Daisy again.
It was a long, exhausting day but I felt like we’d made a real leap forward, having matched with Daisy. I do feel pretty overwhelmed and emotional by the whole thing but I only had to talk to Mum to restore my confidence in the choice. It’s just a really big change and I always find big changes very unsettling. But even though it does feel quite overwhelming, the team are great and I have faith in them to guide me through Daisy’s training and then support me once she comes to live with me. So, yes, there’s anxiety but, for the most part, it’s not overwhelming; I know it’s just my brain spiralling because that’s my knee jerk reaction to any upheaval in my life. But I feel well supported and, ultimately, excited about the path we are now absolutely on.
Continuing Bonds (National Grief Awareness Week 2023)
Posted on December 5, 2023
This week, from 2nd to 8th December, is National Grief Awareness Week 2023, run by The Good Grief Trust. The goal of the week is to create opportunities for people to discuss the loved ones they’ve lost and their experiences with grief in safe spaces and with people who’ve gone through similar events and emotions. After all, it is often easier to talk about difficult things with people who can relate. The organisation encourages people to put on events and arrange group meet ups during the week – online or in person – providing that safe space to talk.
For my part, I thought I’d share something that had a really big impact on my experience of grief, a line of thinking known as the Continuing Bonds Theory of Grief…
When I was thirteen, my Dad died very suddenly. He’d lived with a chronic illness for years but he developed pneumonia and quickly deteriorated (there’s a lot more to this story but I don’t think the post is big enough for all of it and it would distract from the point I want to make – maybe I’ll come back to that another time). Initially I scrambled for ways to remember him, still in a haze of shock and disbelief: I kept candles lit; I wrote letters to him; I bought the CDs of the music we listened to in the car. But after a while, that just hurt too much and I pushed all of those things away. And it was a combination of that, the lack of casual reminders (since I didn’t live with him and therefore didn’t have anything of his around me), and the fact that my family didn’t really know how to talk about what had happened, that resulted in a strange strange period of my life where… it wasn’t that we pretended he never existed; we just seemed to move around the metaphorical empty space with such focus that we didn’t even think about what we were dancing around. And that’s just how things were, from my perspective at least.
For a long time – for years – I didn’t talk about any of it: how much I missed him, how much it hurt, how disconnected I felt. I didn’t know how. I also avoided anything that reminded me of him. It wasn’t until I was in my early-to-mid twenties that I started to willingly – if cautiously – engage with the things that reminded me of him. I rewatched Hot Fuzz, a film we watched together (interesting choice, Dad); I reached out to a friend of his in the hope of getting answers to some of my long held questions; I even started to explore with the world of superheroes that he loved so much. I rewatched the Fantastic Four movies, the second of which we saw in the cinema together (plus there’s definitely a resemblance between Ioan Gruffudd, who plays Reed Richards, and my Dad so I do sometimes see Dad in some of the other characters he’s played, like Daniel Harrow in Harrow). I also watched Teen Titans from the beginning, an animated TV show that we had watched together on Saturdays and spent hours discussing, from the characters and their powers, to the storylines, to the silliest of jokes. All of those have remained special to me and after revisiting them, I moved further into that world. I watched films and TV shows that we most likely would’ve watched together and then endlessly discussed: I watched Supergirl (and I feel certain that he would’ve agreed with me that Season 1 was the strongest, when it was on CBS); we would’ve watched the new Fantastic Four movie and discussed the differences between it and the earlier ones; I would’ve nagged him until he watched Sanctuary with me and, when I inevitably adored Amanda Tapping (and he did too), we would’ve watched the entirety of Stargate SG-1 as well and he would’ve been the one to come to conventions with me (and I can absolutely imagine us dressing up); we would’ve gone to see Wonder Woman as soon as it came out in cinemas, her being my favourite DC character as a kid; we would’ve seen each of the Marvel movies and afterwards we would’ve compared favourite scenes before ultimately complaining how complicated the franchise was getting with every new film; and, most importantly to me, we would’ve watched Agents of SHIELD and Dad would’ve watched as the show, and specifically Daisy Johnson, became a new special interest that changed my life. I’ve always felt that superheroes, and the messages in their stories, are his legacy to me and that means a lot to me, even more so since it led me to Daisy. That’s something I will always be beyond grateful for.
Left collage: Teen Titans (top left), Hot Fuzz (top right), Fantastic Four (bottom left), and Justice League (bottom right).
Right collage: Sanctuary (top left), Black Widow (top right), Supergirl (bottom left), and Agents of SHIELD (bottom right).
Alongside this, I’d also started to write songs about what had happened, songs where I talked to him, songs where we had new experiences together. It took a long time to get to that place – I’d been writing songs for about five years before I felt able to do it – but once I did, writing those songs felt almost sacred, regardless of whether or not they were any good when I finished them. It is, of course, my job to put out music and, while there are multiple songs about my Dad that I’m very keen to release when the time is right, that’s never been something I even thought about when writing these songs: they have always been solely for me and my heart and my voice. That is true, to an extent of all my songwriting – I wouldn’t be writing the song in the first place if it wasn’t an expression of something I felt deeply – but there’s a… I’m hesitant to call it this because it’s such a hard feeling to define… a healing element to writing these songs that is just different to anything else I’ve experienced.
It wasn’t until a friend mentioned the theory of Continuing Bonds to me, a passing comment in the thick of university research projects, that I realised that that was exactly what I was doing. Both in engaging with superheroes and in writing songs about him, but especially the latter. From the first song I wrote, a song about feeling frozen by grief, my relationship with him actively continued, a new chapter in our story.
The Continuing Bonds Theory of Grief was developed by Klass, Silverman, and Nickman and laid out in their book, Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief, in 1996. They questioned the existing models of grief that generally considered the process of grieving to be one where you eventually ‘let go’ of the person who has died, where any behaviour that encourages holding on is viewed as unhealthy and potentially harmful; they disagreed with this and proposed a new model where it’s normal and healthy for a person to hold on to and continue their bond with the person who has died, having observed many cases in their research where a continued bond had helped an individual to cope with loss.
Ask anyone who has any experience of grief and they’ll likely tell you that grief doesn’t just end. That’s a simplistic and frankly silly idea; just because a person is no longer physically there doesn’t mean that they no longer matter to you, that your relationship with them no longer impacts your life. Their death doesn’t cut your life into chapters of ‘with them’ and ‘without them.’ Many people consider grief to be a permanent entity but one that evolves, becoming more than just the pain of losing the person. We carry them with us and find ways to bring them into our present; the relationship – the bond – continues.
In my personal experience, it has been far healthier to engage with my memories of him and make art about my feelings than to try and ‘move on,’ to think of my Dad as belonging only to the first thirteen years of my life; I suffered more in the years when I didn’t think about him compared to the years since I started writing about him and to him. Before, there was only grief but now, even though the loss and the grief are still painful, that isn’t all there is. He might not be physically present in my life but he does have a presence: engaging with the things he loved, as well as the things I feel sure he would’ve loved, and writing the songs that keep him alive and here are, in general, really special experiences. As I said, I’d love to release these songs as a project at some point; I think that would be a really lovely way to honour him and could potentially – hopefully – also help other people to cope with their experiences of grief. Maybe it could inspire and encourage others to nurture that continuing bond rather than suppress it. I wonder what amazing, moving art could be made in the process…
Other than making art to connect with a lost loved one, there are many ways to honour that bond between you…
- Talking to your loved one as if they’re still there (Amanda Tapping has talked about how, before her Mum died, they’d have a catch up over the phone as she drove home from work and how, after she died, she continued talking to her Mum as she drove home even though her Mum wasn’t on the phone).
- Writing them a letter or keeping a diary of letters updating them about your life.
- Keeping a little alter dedicated to them with, for example, a photo and candle.
- Choosing a day, such as their birthday, to celebrate their life every year.
- Continue to share memories of them as you meet new people and make new friends.
- Listen to their favourite music, read their favourite books, and/or watch their favourite movies (or any of the former that you shared).
- Going to their favourite places or places you visited together.
- Research and write their memoir.
- Pick up one of their hobbies.
- Have a piece of personalised jewellery made to wear and keep them close.
- Make a memory box or jar.
- Keep something that belonged to them.
- Plant a tree or flowers in their memory.
- Reach out to their friends or family (if appropriate).
- Do something that they would’ve enjoyed had they still been here (like seeing a film they would’ve liked or an event they would’ve enjoyed).
I hope that this week hasn’t stirred up too much distress, not that grief only exists during one week of the year of course. For some people, it can be validating to see so many people talking about grief but I know that it can also be very upsetting to suddenly have your social media feeds flooded with such stark reminders. I hope that, as hard as it may be to think about, that this post has been helpful in some way. The theory of Continuing Bonds – including the practical aspects of it before I knew what I was doing – has had such a big impact on me and I hope that, if it’s something you want, this has given you some ideas for how you might stay connected to your loved one.
September 2023 in Photos
Posted on October 1, 2023
It’s been ages since I did a photo challenge and I’ve always really enjoyed them so I thought it was about time I revisited the practice. So here we are. This is my September, guided by the Planner & Paper photo challenge on Instagram, Life in Pockets…
Day 1 – Wardrobe Change
Given that the weather hasn’t changed yet, my wardrobe hasn’t really changed. It was a really warm day but I don’t like being uncovered: it makes me feel really exposed and vulnerable. I did wear my brown ankle boots, which I don’t usually wear; they’ve been all but living in my wardrobe up until now but I like them too much to let them just gather dust.
Day 3 – Your Choice!
My Mum bought a new toy for the cats and they were big fans, of the catnip at the very least. It wasn’t long before they were all rolling around on the rug, blissed out on catnip. It was very cute. We don’t usually get all of them inside together at this time of year; they’re usually stretched out in the garden, either in the sun or the shade depending on their preference moment to moment. It’s very cute but it was delightful to have them all back in for while, even if only for a little while.
Day 4 – Listening To
I’m obsessed with The Good Witch by Maisie Peters and have been listening to it on repeat since it came out. I absolutely love pretty much all of them – picking a favourite is actually impossible – but I’ve been having a great time singing along to this song, ‘BSC,’ recently. Maybe because there’s a certain person I’ve been talking about in therapy that I’m reminded of when I sing some of the lyrics to this song. I love the chorus: it’s such a true, relatable, hilarious-but-still-kind-of-heartbreaking statement so succinctly put. Her songwriting is SO clever and I always lose my mind over the genius lyrics like, ‘Mister “I don’t want a label” / You made me ‘Little Miss Unstable.” I also absolutely love the bridge: ‘I am unhinged / I am scaling all these walls I’ve gone within / I am both Kathy Bates and Stephen King / I can write you out the way I wrote you in.’ That last line is so empowering and I think that being a writer myself makes me love it even more. ‘I am unhinged’ is just hilarious and so relatable and ‘I am both Kathy Bates and Stephen King’ is so freaking clever. I could honestly talk about these songs for HOURS.
Day 5 – Cozy
I didn’t take a picture for this one but I wanted to include it here because I find it so hilarious. Here in the UK, we’re experiencing a heatwave and oh my god, the idea of cozy is just so far from my mind; all I want is to cool down. I’m melting in this heat. And suffocating in the humidity.
Day 7 – Reading
I started out listening to this book on my phone, passing the time on a long drive, but ended up continuing it in physical form; I prefer physical books to audiobooks for reading but I can’t deny the convenience of audiobooks when in the car or when swimming, for example. I really enjoyed This Is Going to Hurt so I was keen to read Undoctored. So far I’m really enjoying it; I really like the way Adam Kay writes and he’s utterly hilarious.
Day 8 – On The TV
My Mum and I are currently watching the second series of Annika. My whole family LOVES Nicola Walker and I would honestly watch the worst show ever just for her. This certainly isn’t the worst show. It’s pretty lighthearted most of the time with some heavy moments and Nicola Walker’s character, Annika, is hilarious and awkward in a really endearing way. She’s a mess but all of her relationships with her family and friends and colleagues are really lovely and I honestly never want this show to end; it’s really nice to see her play a character who isn’t deeply and consistently traumatised, as most of her characters seem to be. It also seems like a really fun show to be on, which just adds to the enjoyment of it.
Day 10 – Sunday’s Are For…
In theory, I like Sunday to be for collecting myself for the coming week, recuperating, and doing my favourite things. Having said that, I’m usually frantically busy trying to catch up with things from the previous week before they spill into the next week. This Sunday, however, I was able to just dedicate my time to practicing for the show I’m playing on Wednesday and spend time with Izzy, our brand new puppy: playing when she was awake and snuggling as she slept. It was a very pleasant day.
Day 12 – Below
I had no idea what to do for this prompt until we got Izzy. I keep picking her up like this because she’s just so adorable and so chilled out, when she’s sleepy at least. And she looks so ridiculously cute. As she always does. All the time. It’s very distracting.
Day 13 – From Behind
I mean, with ears this spectacular, how could I take a photo of anything else for this prompt?
Day 15 – Boots
My favourite pair of boots, and the ones I wear practically everyday, are Sorel Joan of Arc lace up boots. They’re the same boots that Daisy Johnson in Agents of Shield wears a lot, especially during Season 2. I always thought they looked super cool and the fact that she was wearing them was an added bonus. They’re really comfortable, they look cool, and I feel like a superhero when I wear them. Is it any wonder I wear them all the time?
Day 17 – Time Alone
Right now, all of my ‘alone time’ is actually ‘Izzy time.’ I’m either playing with her and keeping her occupied so that she doesn’t get into anything she shouldn’t or I’m sitting with her while she naps. Sometimes I try and get stuff done while she sleeps but sometimes all I can do is sit and adore her; the fact that she’s actually real, that this absolutely gorgeous little creature is mine to love is still kind of overwhelming and I just find the time disappearing as I stroke her and cuddle her.
Day 18 – Something Brown
I could’ve easily stuck another puppy picture here but I thought I’d try and come up with something a little more interesting, for one day at least. There’s no such thing as too many pictures of this puppy. So here is my beloved guitar, an electro-acoustic Taylor that I got during my first year at university. It has the most gorgeous sound and I honestly have no desire to ever get a new one, even if I could afford to get a ‘better’ one. This one just sounds and feels so beautiful; it feels like an extension of me, and of my songwriting.
Day 19 – Something For You
A couple of months ago, I ordered this necklace from Etsy. I’ve been looking for one like it for years and having finally found it, I didn’t want it to slip away again – I’ve let that happen far too many times. I have such anxiety around money that I struggle with spending it on myself when there isn’t a ‘productive’ purpose (like learning a new skill) but I’ve been working so hard at my physiotherapy and hydrotherapy that I said, ‘fuck it,’ and bought the necklace. I can get my head around a little reward for over a year’s worth of hard work.
Day 20 – Selfie
I did it for the challenge but I really don’t like taking selfies. I can just about manage selfies if they’re with people or as part of a special event or at a specific place but I’m rarely happy with how I look in them. I think a big part of that is that I’m masking really hard in order for the photo to be a good one and so I think I just don’t end up looking like myself. I like candids because they’re in the moment and honest and real. But, as I said, I have obliged for the challenge.
Day 23 – Lazy Afternoon
Lucy was certainly having a lazy afternoon (while I was busy working away). Of all of the cats, she’s the most unfazed by Izzy’s appearance: she’s not thrilled and they’re not playing (yet?) but Lucy will chill out in the same room and will engage with her to a limited extent. Having said that, she’s not shy about giving Izzy a swipe if Izzy gets overexcited and ends up swerving too close to her. The other cats have barely managed five minutes in the same room; I have to hope that they’ll get used to her over time, especially as she learns what to do and what not to do. Anyway, as well as Lucy’s handling the Izzy situation, she’s happiest when Izzy is downstairs and she can just relax without having to worry that Izzy might bound over to her at any second. So this was a thoroughly blissed out moment, unbothered by a tiny canine.
Day 25 – 11am
This is my physio set up, just before I ran through my personal exercise plan. I feel very lucky to be able to work with a physiotherapist and not just a physiotherapist but an excellent physiotherapist who has a really good, working understanding of Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I’ve been working with her for a few months now and have a series of exercises that take about fifteen minutes to do, trying to strengthen and stabilise my body. As of earlier this week, we cut one exercise and added two new ones for my elbow and shoulder because I’ve been experiencing serious pain in them for a really long time now. So I’m still getting to grips with those. Although, having said that, my arm has been sore as a result of my recent COVID jab (my fourth, I think) so I haven’t managed as much as I usually do. If it follows the same pattern as the others, it’ll be fine in a couple of days and I’ll be able to work at normal capacity again.
Day 28 – Book Review
I love Trista Mateer’s poetry and I loved her previous book, Aphrodite Made Me Do It. I loved Artemis Made Me Do It even more. I read it in less than twenty-four hours, folding a ridiculous number of page corners. Her poetry is so visceral, like the earth just spits it out; it’s beautiful and delicate and brutal and fierce and I feel like I could write a song inspired by every poem. I really loved it and I can’t wait to read the next one in the series.
Day 29 – Weather
My birthday was on the 29th and part of that involved doing this really amazing Equine Facilitated Learning session about building confidence and assertiveness so I spent the morning in a field, working with three gorgeous horses. It was a bit chilly but a beautiful day with warming sunshine and big blue skies. It was a good day.
Day 30 – Self Care
One of the things that makes me feel like my best self – physically, mentally, and emotionally – is swimming. And, near where I live, the pool does this awesome thing on weekend evenings where they turn off the main lights and place a few lanterns around, basically lighting the space with the pool lights. They keep the number of people to two per lane so it never feels crowded or cramped and they play music to minimise the potential echoes in the room. All in all, it’s a really amazing way to swim and such a soothing experience, especially for someone like me who often finds swimming pools overwhelming and overstimulating. I’ve always loved swimming so I’ve put up with it, trying to find the quietest times to swim at whatever pool I’m going to but this is just amazing. It’s my favourite place to swim and I never get tired of it. I feel very lucky to have discovered it and to have pretty regular access to it.
I didn’t manage to take photos every day: sometimes I was too busy, sometimes I forgot, and sometimes nothing about the day matched the prompt (like ‘cozy’ in a heatwave or ‘fall leaves’ when we don’t have anything resembling autumn yet). I also didn’t do the bucket list because I find that they trigger my anxiety at the moment. But on the whole, it was really fun to document my days with photos again. I have a fair amount of fun things coming up over the next couple of months so I wouldn’t be surprised if I find myself doing another challenge sooner rather than later.
Finding Hope 