Finding HopeContinuing Bonds (National Grief Awareness Week 2023)
Posted on December 5, 2023
This week, from 2nd to 8th December, is National Grief Awareness Week 2023, run by The Good Grief Trust. The goal of the week is to create opportunities for people to discuss the loved ones they’ve lost and their experiences with grief in safe spaces and with people who’ve gone through similar events and emotions. After all, it is often easier to talk about difficult things with people who can relate. The organisation encourages people to put on events and arrange group meet ups during the week – online or in person – providing that safe space to talk.
For my part, I thought I’d share something that had a really big impact on my experience of grief, a line of thinking known as the Continuing Bonds Theory of Grief…
When I was thirteen, my Dad died very suddenly. He’d lived with a chronic illness for years but he developed pneumonia and quickly deteriorated (there’s a lot more to this story but I don’t think the post is big enough for all of it and it would distract from the point I want to make – maybe I’ll come back to that another time). Initially I scrambled for ways to remember him, still in a haze of shock and disbelief: I kept candles lit; I wrote letters to him; I bought the CDs of the music we listened to in the car. But after a while, that just hurt too much and I pushed all of those things away. And it was a combination of that, the lack of casual reminders (since I didn’t live with him and therefore didn’t have anything of his around me), and the fact that my family didn’t really know how to talk about what had happened, that resulted in a strange strange period of my life where… it wasn’t that we pretended he never existed; we just seemed to move around the metaphorical empty space with such focus that we didn’t even think about what we were dancing around. And that’s just how things were, from my perspective at least.
For a long time – for years – I didn’t talk about any of it: how much I missed him, how much it hurt, how disconnected I felt. I didn’t know how. I also avoided anything that reminded me of him. It wasn’t until I was in my early-to-mid twenties that I started to willingly – if cautiously – engage with the things that reminded me of him. I rewatched Hot Fuzz, a film we watched together (interesting choice, Dad); I reached out to a friend of his in the hope of getting answers to some of my long held questions; I even started to explore with the world of superheroes that he loved so much. I rewatched the Fantastic Four movies, the second of which we saw in the cinema together (plus there’s definitely a resemblance between Ioan Gruffudd, who plays Reed Richards, and my Dad so I do sometimes see Dad in some of the other characters he’s played, like Daniel Harrow in Harrow). I also watched Teen Titans from the beginning, an animated TV show that we had watched together on Saturdays and spent hours discussing, from the characters and their powers, to the storylines, to the silliest of jokes. All of those have remained special to me and after revisiting them, I moved further into that world. I watched films and TV shows that we most likely would’ve watched together and then endlessly discussed: I watched Supergirl (and I feel certain that he would’ve agreed with me that Season 1 was the strongest, when it was on CBS); we would’ve watched the new Fantastic Four movie and discussed the differences between it and the earlier ones; I would’ve nagged him until he watched Sanctuary with me and, when I inevitably adored Amanda Tapping (and he did too), we would’ve watched the entirety of Stargate SG-1 as well and he would’ve been the one to come to conventions with me (and I can absolutely imagine us dressing up); we would’ve gone to see Wonder Woman as soon as it came out in cinemas, her being my favourite DC character as a kid; we would’ve seen each of the Marvel movies and afterwards we would’ve compared favourite scenes before ultimately complaining how complicated the franchise was getting with every new film; and, most importantly to me, we would’ve watched Agents of SHIELD and Dad would’ve watched as the show, and specifically Daisy Johnson, became a new special interest that changed my life. I’ve always felt that superheroes, and the messages in their stories, are his legacy to me and that means a lot to me, even more so since it led me to Daisy. That’s something I will always be beyond grateful for.
Left collage: Teen Titans (top left), Hot Fuzz (top right), Fantastic Four (bottom left), and Justice League (bottom right).
Right collage: Sanctuary (top left), Black Widow (top right), Supergirl (bottom left), and Agents of SHIELD (bottom right).
Alongside this, I’d also started to write songs about what had happened, songs where I talked to him, songs where we had new experiences together. It took a long time to get to that place – I’d been writing songs for about five years before I felt able to do it – but once I did, writing those songs felt almost sacred, regardless of whether or not they were any good when I finished them. It is, of course, my job to put out music and, while there are multiple songs about my Dad that I’m very keen to release when the time is right, that’s never been something I even thought about when writing these songs: they have always been solely for me and my heart and my voice. That is true, to an extent of all my songwriting – I wouldn’t be writing the song in the first place if it wasn’t an expression of something I felt deeply – but there’s a… I’m hesitant to call it this because it’s such a hard feeling to define… a healing element to writing these songs that is just different to anything else I’ve experienced.
It wasn’t until a friend mentioned the theory of Continuing Bonds to me, a passing comment in the thick of university research projects, that I realised that that was exactly what I was doing. Both in engaging with superheroes and in writing songs about him, but especially the latter. From the first song I wrote, a song about feeling frozen by grief, my relationship with him actively continued, a new chapter in our story.
The Continuing Bonds Theory of Grief was developed by Klass, Silverman, and Nickman and laid out in their book, Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief, in 1996. They questioned the existing models of grief that generally considered the process of grieving to be one where you eventually ‘let go’ of the person who has died, where any behaviour that encourages holding on is viewed as unhealthy and potentially harmful; they disagreed with this and proposed a new model where it’s normal and healthy for a person to hold on to and continue their bond with the person who has died, having observed many cases in their research where a continued bond had helped an individual to cope with loss.
Ask anyone who has any experience of grief and they’ll likely tell you that grief doesn’t just end. That’s a simplistic and frankly silly idea; just because a person is no longer physically there doesn’t mean that they no longer matter to you, that your relationship with them no longer impacts your life. Their death doesn’t cut your life into chapters of ‘with them’ and ‘without them.’ Many people consider grief to be a permanent entity but one that evolves, becoming more than just the pain of losing the person. We carry them with us and find ways to bring them into our present; the relationship – the bond – continues.
In my personal experience, it has been far healthier to engage with my memories of him and make art about my feelings than to try and ‘move on,’ to think of my Dad as belonging only to the first thirteen years of my life; I suffered more in the years when I didn’t think about him compared to the years since I started writing about him and to him. Before, there was only grief but now, even though the loss and the grief are still painful, that isn’t all there is. He might not be physically present in my life but he does have a presence: engaging with the things he loved, as well as the things I feel sure he would’ve loved, and writing the songs that keep him alive and here are, in general, really special experiences. As I said, I’d love to release these songs as a project at some point; I think that would be a really lovely way to honour him and could potentially – hopefully – also help other people to cope with their experiences of grief. Maybe it could inspire and encourage others to nurture that continuing bond rather than suppress it. I wonder what amazing, moving art could be made in the process…
Other than making art to connect with a lost loved one, there are many ways to honour that bond between you…
- Talking to your loved one as if they’re still there (Amanda Tapping has talked about how, before her Mum died, they’d have a catch up over the phone as she drove home from work and how, after she died, she continued talking to her Mum as she drove home even though her Mum wasn’t on the phone).
- Writing them a letter or keeping a diary of letters updating them about your life.
- Keeping a little alter dedicated to them with, for example, a photo and candle.
- Choosing a day, such as their birthday, to celebrate their life every year.
- Continue to share memories of them as you meet new people and make new friends.
- Listen to their favourite music, read their favourite books, and/or watch their favourite movies (or any of the former that you shared).
- Going to their favourite places or places you visited together.
- Research and write their memoir.
- Pick up one of their hobbies.
- Have a piece of personalised jewellery made to wear and keep them close.
- Make a memory box or jar.
- Keep something that belonged to them.
- Plant a tree or flowers in their memory.
- Reach out to their friends or family (if appropriate).
- Do something that they would’ve enjoyed had they still been here (like seeing a film they would’ve liked or an event they would’ve enjoyed).
I hope that this week hasn’t stirred up too much distress, not that grief only exists during one week of the year of course. For some people, it can be validating to see so many people talking about grief but I know that it can also be very upsetting to suddenly have your social media feeds flooded with such stark reminders. I hope that, as hard as it may be to think about, that this post has been helpful in some way. The theory of Continuing Bonds – including the practical aspects of it before I knew what I was doing – has had such a big impact on me and I hope that, if it’s something you want, this has given you some ideas for how you might stay connected to your loved one.
Preparing for London Film And Comic Con As A Disabled Person
Posted on October 28, 2023
So, earlier this year, I finally felt able to go to Comic Con for the first time ever after several failed attempts (this was mostly due to my own anxiety, which was then compounded by COVID and COVID anxiety). And it was amazing! I had a really, really special experience. Having spoken to them a lot, I was about as prepared as I could be (given that I’d never been before) and that really helped me enjoy the experience so I thought I’d share what I did beforehand and what I learned from the experience that will make it easier next time, whenever I choose to go. With London’s Winter Comic Con coming up, I hope that these can be useful to anyone wanting to go.
Apply for an Extra Help wristband ahead of time – The Extra Help wristband makes you quickly identifiable to the staff at the event so that they know to give you priority and move you to the front of the queues for your photo and autograph, etc. There’s an extra queue just for these wristbands at the talks and reserved guaranteed seating (although it is still first come first served). There’s a specific help desk for the Extra Help wristbands too and all of the staff were lovely and super patient even when I’m sure I was asking really obvious questions. These wristbands do require certain paperwork to get ahold of but all of that information is here.
Apply for Carers wristband – Even if you don’t need literal ‘caring for,’ having someone there to support you with whatever your particular needs are (for example, I needed someone – in this case, my Mum – there to help me keep my anxiety down, to guide me somewhere quiet if I started to get overwhelmed, and to be someone who knows what to do should I have a meltdown or should something unexpected happen) so that you can focus on the experience rather than worrying about what could go wrong and what you’d do if any number of things happened can completely change the experience. A pass doesn’t allow the carer to get photos or autographs but they can join their person in the talks and so on. (I met some members of a group of friends, some abled and some disabled, who’d organised their ticket buying to allow all of them to go for slightly less money, although that only works if members of the group aren’t interested in meeting anyone and only want to look at the stalls and go to talks with the group member they’ve partnered up with.)
Diamond passes are a good investment for seeing someone that means a lot to you – Because the only person I really, really wanted to see there was Amanda Tapping, I bought a Diamond pass because it made access to all of the Amanda-related parts of the event really easy and straightforward. The pass gave me access to the talk, the autograph, and photo, combining and reducing the price. It also improved the accessibility in that it reduced the queuing times and guaranteeing a seat. It made the whole experience less stressful, although I wouldn’t have been able to afford the luxury for more than one person.
Email beforehand if you have questions – Because I was so nervous, I emailed the organisers several times before the event to get as much information as possible. The staff were great, replying clearly and in good time. Having said that, it’s worth remembering that information does change so it’s probably best, should you need to contact them about anything going on during the actual convention, to contact them closer to the event if possible (although they obviously have to set up and so don’t reply to emails in the last few days leading up it).
The line up changes multiple times – The fact that the schedule changes so much has caused me a lot of anxiety in the past, during previous attempts to go, but now that I know that that is what happens, it doesn’t phase me as much. Knowing that the early ones are really only a basic guide and that you’re not going to be sure until the day before, or even the day of, did reduce my anxiety because I stopped panicking every time they changed it.
There are chairs but you have to search for them – I had fully expected to have to sit on the ground between my events (and at times, I did) but there were a handful of empty tables and chairs here and there around the convention space (I assume for events on different days or something like that). So, on the whole, it was a pretty comfortable experience; I could’ve coped with sitting on the floor but it was very nice not to have to. So keep an eye out because chances are, you’ll find somewhere more comfortable to sit than on the ground.
Keep the map on your phone – It’s a huge, huge space with a lot going on and it’s easy to get turned around so keeping the online map (or a picture of the map – I didn’t want to rely on the assumption that the WiFi would be good) does make it easier to navigate that space and to find things more quickly, something that’s especially helpful if you need to find a bathroom or quiet corner as quickly as possible.
An unexpected and beautiful aspect of my Comic Con experience was how many disabled people I saw and, of course, those were just the people with visible disabilities; there were surely many people there with invisible disabilities, just like me. That was so comforting. I’d been so worried about how my disabilities would affect my experience but here were all of these people with disabilities who were, presumably, having a great time. It helped to reassure me that that was possible, not just for that event but for ones in the future. There were also lots of service dogs around – one of which I spent quite a lot of time with – and that gave me a little bit more confidence about what it will be like to have one myself. I just felt very safe and welcome there (even though I’d never been there before), which is not something I often feel out in the world. So it was a really positive experience, on so many different levels.
And although I don’t know whether anyone who’s part of the organisation will actually see this, I still want to say thank you to all of the staff who were so helpful and accommodating and patient – especially when my anxiety rose and I was less able to function – because it made the experience so much better and so special: I was allowed to be myself, to be anxious, to need help. They didn’t for a single moment make me feel weird or stupid for struggling and I appreciated that more than I can possibly express since that is often the world’s default. My Mum and I emailed to express our thanks but I also want to acknowledge them publicly because I really, really appreciated it.
Here is my Instagram post from after the event…
Amanda Tapping: Embracing Mental Health as a Fandom (Livestream)
Posted on June 18, 2023
I have been a fan of Amanda Tapping – Samantha Carter in Stargate SG-1, Helen Magnus in Sanctuary, actor, director, and more – for years, since I was about fifteen or sixteen (so over a decade). She’s an amazing actor, a fantastic director, a deep and creative thinker, and an incredibly generous person: for years, she did – amongst other things – annual weekend-long charity events, each one raising thousands and thousands of pounds for charity. I’ve always loved her performances, especially as these two characters, (and her commitment to the integrity of the characters) and they had a huge impact on me; even after all these years, there are moments from the shows and from the audio commentaries (that I listened to obsessively) that I see show up in my life and my creative approach. They – and she – really did change my life.
Back in 2016, I had the opportunity to meet her at her annual GABIT event, AT9. This event involved several Q&A sessions when she not only answered questions but told stories from her life and acting experiences. Attendees also got to take photos with her and get her autograph, getting little pockets of time to talk to her. Meeting her was an amazing experience, even if I was so unbelievably nervous that I could barely talk. But she was so sweet, holding my hands the whole time and just pulling me out of myself, making it a little easier. She really is the loveliest human being.
A few weeks ago, I got an email from The Companion, a website focussed on sci-fi media with this goal: “To create the most special, fun, and welcoming place where as a geek, you can be yourself and bring you closer to the creators, actors, experts… and each other. We launched The Companion in October 2020 during lockdown on this shared belief: geeks deserve a high quality home just like fans of sports, fashion, music, and other ‘premium’ genres.” Their think pieces, character and episode analyses, behind the scenes articles and so on are all really interesting and their interviews with so many people involved with these shows are always fascinating and good fun. It’s a great site, even without events like these. Back to said email…
“We’re absolutely thrilled to announce this very special event with Amanda Tapping – and all for a good cause. As one of our cherished Companion members, we wanted you to be the first in line for an opportunity to meet the legendary actor, director, and producer. Join us on June 3rd, 2023, for a live online interview with Amanda Tapping covering a subject close to her heart: mental health. Hear stories of how Stargate fandom saves lives and share some of your own. ‘As part of the sci-fi community, I’ve seen firsthand how we can all come together and support each other,’ says Amanda, ‘and I would like to extend that same compassion and understanding to issues around mental health.’“
So I love Amanda Tapping and mental health is a deeply important cause for me as well so this seemed like a gift from the universe. I bought a ticket straight away. There was also an opportunity to meet her online after the event but, as much as I would’ve liked to, I just felt like it wasn’t right for me. For one thing, it was in a groups for a short period of time and I know I wouldn’t have felt able to say anything I wanted to say with an audience. And it was just too expensive to justify, especially with that context. So I reluctantly clicked away and hoped I’d get another opportunity in the future.
We did, however, have the opportunity to share a story that would be passed on to her and I really liked that idea; it felt much less exposing, even if it did get shared during the livestream. So I wrote about how Sanctuary in particular got me through sixth form when I first started struggling with depression and anxiety; I had this fun little daydream about working on the set, working on the scripts for the show, and I probably spent more time in that world than I did in the real one (I swear, I had multiple cork boards with storylines planned out). I couldn’t have gotten through that period of my life without it, without her.
I really wasn’t sure what to expect from the livestream, how it would go, but it was highly enjoyable despite the emotional nature of it. Everyone was very thoughtful and heartfelt but still funny and ultimately hopeful. I won’t share everything because it was a unique and special experience that we all paid for but there are things that I think no one would mind if I shared because of how they could help people. And I wanted to share the experience of this livestream with someone I love and respect so much.
The first thing Amanda did, after being introduced, was lead everyone through a breathing exercise – breathe in for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four – that she does with her daughter, Olivia, when she’s feeling “super anxious.” She clarified that she’s not an expert or anything but that she has been through “things” and that she’s maybe, as her daughter has said, a person who “feels things a little too much.” She feels it and she wants to help people who are also feeling it; that was a really nice way of putting it and it was nice to hear. She was pretty emotional from the start, telling us – and there were a lot of us, in the comments and just watching – that she was “really, really grateful that [we were] all [there].”
I hadn’t forgotten how much I love her but seeing her again and hearing her voice, I was just overwhelmed by how much she means to me, how much she’s impacted my life. And I was just so, so pleased to see her. It was just pure, overwhelming joy. And from the look on her face, she felt the same way about being there, about connecting with everyone and being ‘together’ again. It was really sweet. And the first thing she shared felt very typically Amanda: it was the analogy of how we all carry bags of rocks, bags that only grow heavier over time, and how we all need to learn how to put them down now and then, take a breath, and just be, just be a person without that burden: “We all have our burdens but I think it’s really important to take a moment and put it down and just see what it feels like to not carry it around for a minute.” We’ll always carry those burdens and they help us to help other people but we need to look after ourselves too.
There was some significant discussion about COVID, both how she’d seen it affect other people (even in the way that people are driving more aggressively) and how she felt it had affected her. She talked quite a bit about her experience – about her family, about her fears, about her losses – more so than I would’ve expected. She’d felt isolated and scared and didn’t understand what was happening and why it was still going on; she had a lot of anxiety, especially watching her daughter go to high school in a mask every day (once schools opened again). And while it was, of course, so important to wear a mask, she talked about how hard it was to breathe with a mask and face shield for fourteen hours a day on a film set, getting home and feeling oxygen deprived. “It was easy to fall into isolation,” she said, “It was easy to go down the rabbit hole as I so often do,” and it took a while for her friends to pull her out of that. It’s amazingly comforting to hear someone you so admire and respect express the same feelings as you. It made me quite emotional to hear and even more so to think about what she was really sharing with us: these really personal details of her life. I’m always so touched when people, especially people like her with public profiles, share such personal details and trust us with them; it feels like an honour, a trust that feels really sacred.
Rebecca, the livestream host, asked her what had helped her that might help others and Amanda talked about several things, all good points and interesting insights into her life:
- She talked about how she and two friends would meet over Zoom every week and have a cocktail hour together. She also did various other Zoom based socialising with other friends, her brothers, her family… The thing that really helped was connecting. (The video connection went out at one point and the screen went dark, which – as Amanda pointed out – was very ironic since there’d been so much talk of connection.) She did talk about how hard that can be though because you know you’ll get a response which you’ll then have to deal with and the whole thing can feel so draining; I can definitely relate to that.
- She also talked about how important it is to share the load with your friends. It is, of course, important to be there for your friends but you also need to let them be there for you. People want to know how you are and they want to help; it can be hard to let them in but it can not only help your mental health but also strengthen your friendship.
- She talked about how exercise makes her feel better and stronger, how it’s taken a long time to feel safe enough to go to the gym again post the height of COVID. She actually talked about having a less than healthy relationship with food during the lockdowns – “Certainly during COVID and everything that went on, I mean, I ate every single feeling I had” and “We ate our feelings, we ate our anxiety, we baked a lot of bread!” – which was very refreshing; so many of us shy away from those conversations but she shared those negative coping mechanisms and how they weren’t good for her and what she did to balance them out: she talked about how it sounds trite but “physical activity is key.” Even if you can’t go for a run, just getting outside is good. She started her day in the woods – her happy place – with Martin Wood (who she’s worked with for years and especially closely on Sanctuary – I cannot express how happy it makes me that they’re still such close friends and hang out regularly), walking their dogs. That was how she got herself mentally prepared for the livestream.
- She said that she’s not good at stopping (somehow this did not surprise me) so she kept moving, getting better at baking and cooking and sewing just to keep herself busy, although she’s trying to get better at relaxing.
- During one of the stories shared (they couldn’t share all of them obviously but they did share a few), the writer talked about rewatching, including a quote from the psychologist Pamela Rutledge: “It can become really therapeutic, especially if you are feeling anxious. Watching the same piece multiple times reaffirms that there’s order in the world and that it can create a sense of safety and comfort on a primal level.” I’ve always found rewatching to be both enjoyable and helpful to my mental health and Amanda clearly felt the same way, that there’s no shame in it and that people shouldn’t be so weirdly judgemental about it: “Whatever you need to put the blanket on yourself and feel safe, even if it’s just safe for an hour, even if it’s just to calm your breathing for an hour, do it… Like, absolutely.” She got visibly emotional again – “I’m gonna cry but…” – and talked about how anxious she had been about the livestream, whether she could actually do it and whether she could do it justice, and so she rewatched Downton Abbey with her daughter which is their thing, especially when one or both of them are anxious (I find it so comforting that we both do this, albeit with different shows). She said that, whatever it takes, we have to allow ourselves these comforts without shame or judgement, whatever it takes to get through. As I said, she was visibly emotional (to the point of actual tears and tissues) and it reminded me of just how much she cares; she cares so fucking much. She cares more than we could possibly imagine and that’s just so moving.
- She and Rebecca discussed the idea of always appearing fine, of never letting people see when you’re struggling. Amanda said that, when she’s running a set, she’ll put on the mask and make sure everyone feels confident and feels like they can rely on her because that’s what they need but, when it’s safe, it’s so important to let it all go and not be okay if that’s what you need. The examples she gave were amazingly honest and, again, I was touched that she would share these things with us; She’s such an open, generous person and the fact that she trusts us with these parts of her life mean so much to me that it’s almost overwhelming. As she said, this idea of allowing yourself to be yourself and fully feel what you’re feeling isn’t new or groundbreaking but it is important and needs to continue to be part of the conversation. She said, “It will be okay and it will pass,” and it was hard not to feel her conviction even though I often don’t feel that way.
- They also talked about social media and how often it can become the highlight reel of your life (I’ve always found this viewpoint really interesting because it never, ever occurred to me to use social media in that way and so I never have, which makes it fascinating to me that people do), which isn’t a new concept (family photo albums, for example) but has gotten out of control with social media. Amanda said that she noticed herself doing that on Instagram and that maybe she needs to post “the shit” more often. They also discussed how easy it is for people to send hateful messages through social media and Amanda said how hurtful it was – and still is – to read some of the awful messages about herself or the show she was in at the time, although the worst ones were when people attacked her appearance: “It killed me every time I read something crappy.” They talked about how one of the best ways to handle that sort of thing is to take it to a friend, to talk it through and even make fun of it to make it less painful.
Back to the stories for a moment. As I said, a handful of the stories submitted were shared over the course of the livestream. (Mine wasn’t one of them – I think it was probably too long and also didn’t serve as a jumping off point for more questions – but that was fine; they’re all being passed on to her so she will see it. That’s good enough for me. Apparently they were all really uplifting and just amazing examples of this fandom, that they reflect a deeply inspiring reality of how these fandoms have been so much more than just sources of entertainment for so many people: how they’ve provided solace, a sense of belonging, and even lifelines in the worst times, a description that was really moving to me.) There were lots of people saying that she and her work as various characters have saved their lives and you could see how much that meant to her. At one point, she used the word ‘verklempt’ (a word I’d never heard before but which means ‘overcome with emotion’ and you could really see that she was). One of the stories talked about fandom really well and what it means to people and Amanda was really taken with the description…
“Wow, that’s beautiful put. Holy moly. And it’s true. I don’t know if I can add to that, that’s just very beautifully articulate.”
Rebecca talked about how, in researching for the stream, she found articles about how sci-fi and how the escapism it provides can be bad for your mental health and found that very surprising. That had surprised her because she’s personally always used sci-fi to get more in touch with the world around her. Amanda completely agreed and they talked about how that idea bothered them both – that the escapism of sci-fi is a bad thing – and why. Amanda talked about how sci-fi is so often maligned and characterised as the ‘geeky’ genre; I find it so heartening to know that she’s always been able to see what it could be. She talked about how she doesn’t think you can escape too far, that being able to escape is important: we can escape into the thing and then, through the internet, we can connect with people all over the world. A lot of people just don’t get that. And following on from that, she talked about how, in her experience, the Stargate fandom is full of really nice people and the Sanctuary fans were always so generous and kind, how she constantly sees fans supporting each other, online and in real life, and how fiercely they wanted to help with her charity, Sanctuary For Kids. She said that she’s observed a special and unique generosity from sci-fi fans, perhaps because so many people feel seen by the characters and shows in this genre.
She talked about how hearing people’s stories means so much to her, how it’s had such a big impact on her. Apparently her favourite stories are the ones about what the characters mean to people and how those connections have made them feel stronger (she mimed hugging everyone, which was really cute). The number of stories like that was really moving but there were also so many stories about how people felt that Amanda herself had saved them and Rebecca asked her what that felt like. You could see how deeply that moved her – continues to move her – and she sniffed so I think it had actually moved her to tears. She could see how much Sam Carter meant to all of these people, especially young women and that felt like a huge sense of responsibility, that Carter was – and still is – this huge role model. She felt like she couldn’t let the show screw up her story so she would fight the writers on certain decisions despite not being a confrontational person. She’s talked about that a lot and it always makes me think how lucky we all were to have Amanda Tapping cast as Samantha Carter because someone else might not have pushed so hard for the character and for the audience.
The final story described Amanda as being “a light in the darkness” and she was clearly quite overwhelmed by that (something that I found both surprising and really touching, considering how often she must’ve seen messages like this over the years): “Wow, um, the only thing I can say to that is that, um, it works both ways and that, in my hours of darkness, the fandom has helped me see the light and feel okay. It’s not that you’re just helping each other, you’ve certainly helped me and I know a lot of other actors who go, ‘Oh, like, people do care and people do like us…’ And, for me, I…. It’s really important to me to connect to fans when I meet them… It’s given me a whole other world of experience. But it does, it goes both ways. It absolutely goes both ways. I’ve been lifted up out of fires more than you guys could possibly know, by your kindness and your generosity and your love.” She was visibly emotional again and I was practically weeping. It’s easy to think that we, as individuals, don’t affect her but clearly we do and that’s a lot of feeling that I’m not entirely sure what to do with.
Eventually they wrapped up the livestream and Amanda wished us all goodbye: “I love you all and it’s been a real honour to be a part of this fandom. It’s been such a huge gift in my life so thank you.” She blew us a kiss and then it was over. It was moving and thoughtful and considerate and generous and a really lovely experience. I really hope that they do do more of these conversations – Amanda said that she wants to revisit all of this, how this is just the start, just scratching the surface of a very big conversation – because it was very inspiring and I think they really could do good, even if none of us know what that looks like yet.
It was a lovely hour and I really hope that they continue to do these discussions. And seeing Amanda on my screen again, hearing her talk about all of these things that are so important to all of us, I would so love to see her again. I would have reversed my decision on the post stream meet and greet sessions on the spot. She’s visiting London for London Film and Comic Con in July and I’ve been going back and forth about going for months, even more so after the livestream. I would love to meet her again – so much has changed since the last time I saw her (not that I’d be filling her in on everything but I feel different and this me would like to meet her) – but conventions feel so scary and overwhelming, overstimulating on every level. But then I got an email that she was doing a talk too and, after a long conversation with my Mum, I’ve decided to try. There are other cool people there but I’m not going to try and take on too much, just going to Amanda’s talk and meeting her. Hopefully I will be able to handle it – the noise, the people, the anxiety – and have a good time; the tickets have been purchased and now I guess we just have to wait and see.
Finding Hope 