Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 – Out Now!

Posted on February 28, 2026

“This EP isn’t just music; it’s connection, validation, and advocacy wrapped in melody.” (x)

My proudest achievement of 2025 was releasing new music: two singles and an EP! Having not released a project since my Honest EP in 2020 (although I later released the acoustic version in 2021), I’ve been so desperate to release more music but health stuff got in the way and it took a long time to get back to a place where I was even close to capable of managing the stress of putting out a new project (and stressful it was). Given everything that happened between late June and December, I didn’t have the headspace, the physical ability, the time, or any combination of the three to write about it properly. But I didn’t want to skip it because it is so important to me and to the last year so – finally – here is the post about my recent EP, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1. This is – hopefully – the first in a series about my experiences of being autistic, inspired by how lonely and isolating it was to grow up, never seeing or hearing my life represented in books, film, TV, music, and so on. It’s taken a long time to feel ready to take on a project like this but now that I am, I know without a doubt that this is the art that I’m meant to be making.

“What makes Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 powerful is its dual role as personal diary and shared lifeline. Hooper writes for her younger self, for others navigating similar realities, and for those who may be hearing these experiences articulated for the first time. The result is a project that doesn’t just speak – it listens back, offering connection in a world that often overlooks the voices that need to be heard most.” (x)

To reintroduce myself and to lay the foundation of the EP, I released two singles at the beginning of the year called ‘Write This Out‘ and ‘In The Mourning.’ When I was planning the EP and choosing which songs to include on it, which songs felt like the most important to include on a first EP – my first EP – about being autistic, I felt like neither of them were quite the right fit. But they still felt like important parts of the story that I wanted out in the world so they became the two singles released ahead of the EP and its official first single. And even though they’re separate releases, they’re deeply connected on a thematic level and so, to represent that connection, I used photos from the EP photoshoot for the cover artwork of each single.

“Every line in ‘Write This Out’ carries the grounded honesty of someone who has learned to create calm in the middle of chaos. It’s heartfelt without ever feeling heavy, and the sincerity behind her words lands with real clarity.” (x)

(Photography by Thomas Oscar Miles and editing by Richard Sanderson)

“Another personal moment that stood out to me was how the song leaves you with a sense of companionship, as if she’s reminding listeners that they’re not alone in the messier parts of their thoughts… It feels like the beginning of an important new chapter for her.” (x)

I’m so proud of them both, for so many different reasons, and each of them felt so key to setting the scene for the EP. ‘Write This Out’ is driven by the need to get overwhelming emotions out of my body but keep them documented and protected while ‘In The Mourning’ reflects my stream of consciousness after being diagnosed as autistic. I felt like both this feeling and this emotional process were important pieces of the picture that I hoped this EP would paint and releasing them first could only make for a deeper understanding of it. Obviously I can’t ensure that people listen to them ahead of the EP, now that it’s out in the world, but something has to determine in what order the music gets released and when the chronology of this music means a lot to me, why not?

“The songwriting is exquisitely vulnerable, with metaphors and lyrics that cut deep without ever losing hope.” (x)

(Photography by Thomas Oscar Miles and editing by Richard Sanderson)

“And then there’s ‘The Loneliest Whale,’ a track that feels like both a personal lament and a communal sigh – isolation turned into shared understanding.” (x)

The first official single of the EP was ‘The Loneliest Whale.’ As I talked about in the blog post I shared when I put this song out, I wrote it about The Loneliest Whale, a whale that sings at a higher frequency than other whales, making it impossible for them to communicate with each other; I’ve been fascinated by it for as long as I can remember and I’ve always wanted to write a song about it. I deeply related to this idea of feeling isolated from everyone around me, both before and after my diagnosis, and so I used the whale as a metaphor for the loneliness I have experienced as an autistic person. But it’s also about connection.

Before I sat down to write the song, I did some research to make sure all of my facts were up to date and discovered the extensive amount of art that has been made by people who have been moved by the story of The Loneliest Whale. So, so many individuals and communities relate to this story, to the emotions this whale represents, and I was so inspired by that. I’d originally expected the song to be a sad one but, after seeing how many people felt connected to this whale and having the epiphany of how connected we are to each other through these shared feelings, the song transformed into something more positive and uplifting. And because connection is the whole point of this EP, of all of the music I make, it was the obvious choice for the first single.

“With this album, both tender and powerful, Lauren Alex Hooper reminds us that music can be a space of refuge, truth, and connection. A rare and necessary project.” (x)

(Photography by Thomas Oscar Miles and editing by Richard Sanderson)

“In a world where pop often leans into glossy generalities, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 by Lauren Alex Hooper feels like a rare act of rebellion – not loud or brash, but intimate, precise, and unwaveringly honest. The five-track EP is a deeply personal exploration of Hooper’s experience as an autistic woman, told in vivid lyricism and delicately layered alt-pop production. It’s not just a collection of songs; it’s a lived reality, shaped into art.” (x)

While ‘The Loneliest Whale’ was the lead single, the EP opens with ‘Armour,’ a tumultuous track about the difficulty of masking as an autistic person in a neurotypical society. When I sat down to write this song, I was all set to write about how far I’d come with learning to unmask, only to realise that I hadn’t made as much progress as I’d thought. I’ve done a lot of work on it but I think that’s only made me realise how much more there is to do and that was more than a little bit overwhelming. After that particular revelation, my writing shifted and a theme I kept coming back to was how suffocated I feel by masking and the conflict between wanting to be my true self and the fear of rejecting the protection that masking can and has provided. It was clear to me very early on that this was the opening track because it’s a statement about trying to be more honest and authentic, a process which begins in earnest with this song, and it’s precisely the reason that this EP exists.

“Opening with ‘Armour,’ the artist lays bare the quiet violence of masking and the daily effort to hide neurodivergent traits for social acceptance. It’s a haunting introduction, with delicate instrumentation that mirrors the tension between self-protection and self-erasure.” (x)

Next up is ‘Eye To Eye,’ which builds on the intensity of the first track by digging into the tension and vulnerability of making eye contact, a well documented struggle for many autistic individuals for a whole spectrum of reasons. I’ve always found it difficult and while there were a handful of different things I could’ve focussed on, I most wanted to explore how deeply vulnerable it feels to be eye to eye with someone, to feel like they can see everything you’re feeling and everything you’ve been through. It was hard to write, especially the bridge, and it would’ve been so easy to be less vulnerable but, when that is the whole point of the song, it was really important to me to stay the course and not take the easier road.

“‘Eye to Eye’ and ‘The Loneliest Whale’ are masterclasses in metaphor, turning everyday autistic struggles into poignant pop poetry.” (x)

‘The Loneliest Whale’ sits in the middle of the EP’s tracklist at track three. I’ve already talked about it a bit above and I wrote more about the inspiration behind this song and the creative process – in this post – when it came out. It felt like such a special song right from the beginning and I’m so happy that I was able to release it despite it being pretty unconventional, subject matter-wise, for a pop song.

“‘The Loneliest Whale’ is the metaphor-rich centerpiece, capturing the feeling of calling out into the world and not knowing if anyone is listening.” (x)

The fourth song on the EP is ‘Overexposed,’ which is about my experience of sensory overload, about how overwhelming the world can be, and how hard it can be to exist in the world when it feels so bright and loud and emotional and intense. This is the oldest song on the EP: I wrote the original draft not long after I was diagnosed, on one of my first trips to Nashville with one of my best friends there, Caylan Hays, who is a beautiful songwriter and artist. It’s evolved quite a bit since then: I have a clearer understanding of sensory overload and I’m better at articulating my experience of it and both of those things have, of course, changed the song. But the central imagery of an overexposed photograph always stuck with me so I was keen to revisit it when writing for the EP.

“In ‘Overexposed,’ sensory overload is rendered sonically through layered textures and dynamic shifts, allowing the listener to feel the push-pull of intensity and withdrawal. Hooper’s voice remains the constant – warm, clear, and unwavering, even in the most vulnerable admissions.” (x)

The final track of the EP is ‘Last One Standing.’ I wrote this from the point of view of the Agents of Shield character, Daisy Johnson, who has been one of my special interests from the moment I started watching the show (I’ve written more about her and some of the reasons I love her so much here and here) and, songwriting being my biggest and oldest special interest, I’d been thinking about how to bring the two together for a long time. I must’ve spent hours watching edits and fanvideos on YouTube, noting the scenes from the show that featured repeatedly and analysing the songs chosen, from the emotional undercurrent of the track to the lyrical themes to the production choices. It gave me such an insight into what other fans of the character loved about her, what resonated with them, the themes and sounds they associated with her. When I eventually brought the idea to Richard, I knew exactly what I wanted the song to sound like: an anthem of tenacity and perseverance and strength… all of the things that Daisy Johnson has always represented to me. And as I wrote the lyrics, I tried to channel the hours I’ve spent absorbing the show and so I shaped the language around her speech patterns, deliberately favouring some words and avoiding others. One review called it “unapologetically nerdy” and that may be the biggest compliment I could receive for this song, especially given the creative process behind it. I’m pretty sure it’s the biggest deep dive into not just one but two special interests that I’ve ever done; it’s my truest expression of autistic joy. But regardless of how deeply for me this song – and the creative process behind it – is, it ended up being a song that I really wanted to release because I think there are multiple meaningful messages in it. It’s a celebration of determination and resilience – and of autistic joy, particularly when that joy is a form of resistance and defiance – but it also represents, to me at least, the ongoing struggle that is being autistic in the often resistant, inflexible society that we live in, just to be seen and treated and accepted in the same way that our allistic peers are; you need self-belief and strength of will to keep taking steps forwards, to keep standing up for yourself and fighting for what you need and what you deserve. I needed a song to empower me, to remind me of this when I forget it, to lend me that energy on the days that I can’t find it within myself. It means a lot to me to have that and I hope it can do the same for those who listen to it.

“‘Last One Standing’ closes the set with hope and fierce individuality. It’s a love letter to the passions and inner worlds that sustain so many autistic people – and a powerful reclamation of identity.” (x)

(During the writing of the project)

“Lauren Alex Hooper’s Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 is a raw and open-hearted collection that speaks with quiet strength. Across five tracks, she explores identity, mental health, and neurodivergence without holding back or dressing things up. Her songwriting is honest in a way that feels lived-in, not performative. Each lyric feels like a page from a journal you were never meant to read but are lucky to experience.” (x)

The project started out very solitary as I figured out what I wanted to say and started writing the songs but as it grew, I got to work with more and more awesome people; I love the intimacy and laser focus of a small project but getting to bring in people who believed in the songs and the project… it felt like we were just feeding it more and more oxygen, which was really exciting. I love writing by myself – as evidenced by ‘Write This Out’ and ‘In The Mourning’ – but I also love collaborating: I wrote ‘The Loneliest Whale’ with one of my MA classmates, a super cool artist called lukeistired, and ‘Overexposed’ with my friend, Caylan, as I’ve already mentioned. I also took drafts of multiple songs to my longtime collaborator and writing partner, Richard Marc. Richard and I have been making music together for ten years now: we worked on my first single together, my first EP, and enough unreleased music to fill multiple hard drives. He’s a fantastic producer, songwriter, and guitarist (multi-instrumentalist, really) and we’ve always been good collaborators – and good at having fun while doing it. I’ve always been involved in the production of my songs but, with this project, I really dug into it with Richard, making both micro and macro choices and guiding the songs to sound like the colours I heard when I sang them. I’ve always found production quite overwhelming – and overstimulating – so to take new steps into that space and that process was really empowering and inspiring.

“Light touches of electronic instrumentation sit beside organic guitar parts and minimal beats. Nothing feels too polished, and that’s part of the charm. You’re not listening to a performance; you’re sitting next to someone telling their truth. […] It didn’t scream for attention, and that’s exactly why I kept thinking about it. There’s power in letting things exist without apology.” (x)

(Writing and recording with Richard Marc)

“In a world saturated with processed emotion, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 by Lauren Alex Hooper is a breath of fresh air – a quiet rebellion told in lush dream-pop textures and honest lyricism. The five-track EP is a deeply personal dive into Hooper’s lived experience as an autistic woman. From the whispering melancholy of ‘Armour’ to the anthemic tenderness of ‘Last One Standing,’ the project feels less like a performance and more like an intimate conversation. Acoustic warmth and subtle folk influences run like threads through each track, anchored by Hooper’s soft, expressive voice. It’s a voice that invites, reassures.” (x)

During the recording process, I was able to bring in several friends to build the sonic world of the songs. Richard and I invited our friend, Lasse Corus – who is an incredible drummer – to record live drums on several of the tracks, going back to Bluebarn Studios where we’ve recorded multiple times before. That was a really lovely way to bring some of the history behind this EP into the creation of it. I also invited my wonderful friend, Luce, to sing backing vocals on some of the songs: she’s a brilliant songwriter and a gorgeous singer, known as LUCE, and it was so special to have her voice on this project. She’s witnessed this project take shape from a core idea to everything it is now along with all of the growth that came with it, not dissimilarly to how I’ve watched her upcoming project blossom from the original idea into something so much bigger and bolder. Creating such personal projects in parallel was so inspiring to me – I truly can’t wait for her to put her project out into the world – and so it meant a lot to me to have her singing on the project.

“It’s vulnerable but never self-pitying, wounded but unafraid to bite back.” (x)

(Lasse recording the drums for one of the tracks // Richard, Luce, and I listening back to Luce’s backing vocals)

The tracks were mixed and mastered by Josh Fielden of Sprogglet Studios, who has worked on all of the music that Richard and I have made together and he always does such a fantastic job. I love the richness he’s able to bring out of my voice and the arrangements. He’s also the patron saint of patience when it comes to my perfectionistic tendencies.

“The EP’s production balances indie-pop accessibility with singer-songwriter intimacy. Electronic elements weave around acoustic foundations, creating a space where personal storytelling meets contemporary sonic design. This balance allows the themes to resonate without feeling didactic; the songs invite empathy rather than demand it.” (x)

(The day of the EP photoshoot)

“Lauren Alex Hooper’s Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 is a revelation. With five strikingly personal tracks, Hooper dismantles the myth of the “universal” pop experience by offering something rarely heard: an unfiltered, autistic lens. The EP is both emotionally raw and musically refined – a delicate balance that showcases her songwriting depth and willingness to confront difficult truths.” (x)

I also had the utter joy of working with Thomas Oscar Miles on the cover art. I’d discovered his photography on Instagram and we talked about collaborating on a project for years – beginning in 2021, I think. Then, in 2024, we finally got to work together on the photoshoot for the EP’s artwork. We spent hours on Zoom, discussing the themes and sending moodboards back and forth, and we got on really well so, in many ways, I was really looking forward to the photoshoot. But I was also incredibly nervous: I was in a really bad place with my issues around body image and I was so anxious that, regardless of how much I was looking forward to working with Thomas, I would end up hating the photos because of those issues. I so wanted to love them and be proud of how they represented the project but I was stuck in an endless loop of anxiety about it, convinced that I would never even be able to like them because they were photos of me.

Fortunately, we got on just as well in real life as we had online. It was absolutely freezing that day – Thomas’ train had actually been delayed because of snow – and I couldn’t feel my face, hands, or feet by the time we decided that we had everything we needed, after almost two and a half hours of taking photos. But I didn’t want it to end! It was such a fun shoot and we laughed so much and it felt so inspiring and creative and collaborative. We did a quick flick through the photos at the end, I was so excited by what I saw. I loved them! Thomas edited them beautifully and then Richard finished them up to be cover art ready. I’ve truly loved the artwork of every project I’ve released but these ones feel beyond special; they’re going to be incredibly difficult to outdo on the next project…

“A powerful five-track EP that marks her most personal and resonant work to date. With this project, Hooper doesn’t just share songs; she shares herself. Drawing from her lived experience as an autistic woman, the EP dives deep into the emotional terrain of neurodivergence with honesty, clarity, and a quiet but undeniable strength. In a pop landscape that too often glosses over complexity, Hooper offers something different: a raw, nuanced, and deeply human portrait of life lived in contrast to the neurotypical norm.” (x)

(Photography by Thomas Oscar Miles)

“In a world that constantly asks autistic people to shrink themselves – to be quieter, more adaptable, more like everyone else – Lauren Alex Hooper is doing the opposite. On her new EP, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1, she’s louder in the best way: more honest, more direct, more herself. The result is one of the most emotionally gripping alt-pop releases of the year. A seasoned songwriter with a delicate but defiant voice, Hooper has always used music as a way to process and communicate her inner world. But this time, she’s not holding back. Each of the five tracks on the EP offers a deeply personal window into the complexities of living as a neurodivergent woman.” (x)

I knew going in that the promotion of the EP was going to be the hardest part for me, both before and during the rollout: I am so grateful to Tahnee, to Abi, and to Amelia and her team at Decent PR for all of their advice and their help and, perhaps most of all, their belief in me and my music. I so appreciate all of the time and effort that they put in to helping me get this EP in front of people who really heard the songs, who connected to them, and who really understood what I was trying to say, what I was hoping people would hear. And as a result of that, I’m so grateful to those people who listened to it and felt so moved by it that they wrote about it and encouraged other people to listen to it, because they felt it mattered that much. There have been so many wonderful reviews that I’m honestly still reeling because I never imagined hearing something I’d made described this way:

“This is not just a strong EP – it’s an essential one.” (x)
“A rare and necessary project.” (x)
“A sonic memoir that defies convention.” (x)
“It’s raw, real, and really important.” (x)
“[She] doesn’t just claim space – she expands it.” (x)
“It’s a quiet revolution.” (x)

And, of course, I cannot say thank you enough to those of you who have listened to the EP, those of you have who have streamed it, bought it, blasted it in the car or cried to it under your duvet… To everyone who has listened to it, watched the videos, and followed my social media over this last year, I am so deeply grateful for you. I can’t believe how many people these songs have reached in just over twelve months: I’m a super small artist – I don’t have thousands of listeners on Spotify or thousands of social media followers – so the fact that these songs have been streamed over 100,000 times is amazing to me. I can only hope that they’ll go on to reach more people over time and that this is just the beginning of something even bigger and more beautiful.

“[Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1] feels like a rallying cry wrapped in melody – not loud or angry, but insistent, intimate, and brave. For those who’ve long felt like their stories were too much, or not enough, Hooper offers a reminder that they’re exactly right, just as they are.” (x)

And so, many months later, we have the round up of my most recent EP, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1. It was a cathartic, empowering, and challenging process but I’m so proud of it and I’m so grateful for the love it has received ever since I put out the first single in January 2025. Putting out music, especially as an independent artist, is an expensive, complicated, and risky endeavour and so to have it received so warmly made it all worth it. Calling it a rollercoaster would be an understatement, especially considering the most recent logistical nightmare – all of the music I’ve ever released disappearing from every music platform (years off my life, I swear!) – but I never expected making music as an autistic (and disabled) person to be easy; I always knew that it would take everything I had and then some. But these songs, and the experiences that inspired them, are so important to me and, somewhat unbelievably, I’m starting to see how important they are to other people too. All I’ve ever wanted to do is to make honest and vulnerable music and to help other autistic people feel less alone in the world and if this project has done that for even one person, then all of the difficulties will have been worth it. And going forward, hopefully my music can help two people, and then three, and then four… If that’s how my music career is ultimately measured then I could not be more proud.

“What sets this EP apart is this creative’s refusal to simplify or sanitize her truth. She doesn’t shape her experience into something more palatable. She lets it stand as it is: complicated, beautiful, and often misunderstood. Her lyricism is sharp and evocative, her voice rich with sincerity, and the production choices consistently elevate the emotional core of each track. Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 is a cultural milestone. Lauren Alex Hooper is forging a new path for autistic representation in music, and she’s doing it with honesty, grace, and undeniable talent.” (x)

“This EP doesn’t just tell a story – it reshapes how stories like these are told. Hooper has found her voice, not in spite of her autism, but through it. And with Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1, she’s made a compelling case that the future of pop is broader, braver, and more inclusive than we imagined.” (x)

Thank you so much for reading and you can listen to the EP here.

Category: activism, anxiety, autism, body image, chronic pain, diagnosis, emotions, life lessons, mental health, music, ocd, special interests, writing Tagged: 52 hertz whale, agents of shield, album artwork, alt pop, alt pop artist, altpop, altpop artist, armour, asd, autism, autism spectrum disorder, autistic artist, autistic joy, autistic photographer, autistic singer, autistic singersongwriter, autistic songwriter, backing vocals, caylan hays, collaboration, cover art, cowriting, creative process, daisy johnson, ep artwork, ep reviews, eye contact, eye to eye, in the mourning, independent artist, indie artist, indie pop, indie pop artist, josh fielden, last one standing, lauren alex hooper, live drums, luce, lukeistired, marketing, masking, mastering, mixing, music production, new ep, new music, new music uk, new single, overexposed, photoshoot, production, production process, promotion, recording, recording session, recording sessions, recording studio, richard marc, richard marc music, richard sanderson, sensory issues, sensory overwhelm, sensory processing, sensory sensitivities, sensory sensitivity, songwriting, songwriting inspiration, songwriting process, special interest, special interests, sprogglet studios, the loneliest whale, thomas oscar miles, too much and not enough, too much and not enough vol 1, unmasking, unsigned artist, visuals, vocals, write this out

Autism Dogs – It’s A Match!

Posted on February 9, 2025

NOTE: Between my brain fog and a WordPress update, I lost track of the post between the first post – The Application – and this post, where I went up to the Autism Dogs farm to discuss the Advanced Tasks my dog would need to learn and met a few of the dogs they’re currently training. That post is here, in case you missed it. This post follows that one.

In April 2024, I went up to the Autism Dogs farm to discuss Advanced Tasks and meet some of their current dogs to get a sense of what breed of dog would be a good fit for me. We came to the conclusion that a female Labrador would be the best choice and not long after, in May, they contacted me to tell me that they had a potential match, a female black Labrador called River. They sent us a couple of photos and although she was very cute, I was reluctant to open myself up to getting attached before I’d even met her. What if I fell in love with her and then we weren’t compatible? I wanted to meet her before I let myself feel anything. So I waited – both excitedly and anxiously – for our next trip up to the farm in early June.

It takes several hours for us to get up to the farm so my Mum and I caught the train to Stoke-on-Trent and I stayed over the night before at the Holiday Inn (they were dog-friendly and had many of my safe foods). We got there without too much trouble, although I do find the travel tiring, and settled into our room – which had the biggest bathroom I think I’ve ever seen. Given how busy my week had been, having a quiet evening before our session with Autism Dogs and before meeting River wasn’t the worst thing.

Originally, the plan had been to bring Izzy so that she and River could meet but, as we got on the train, they called and asked us not to bring her as River had a bit of a cough; she’d be seeing the vet within the next day or two and they weren’t worried but they were reluctant to have the two dogs mixing just in case it was something infectious. But we were already on the train with Izzy so one of the team would look after her while we met River and the two could meet on the next visit should everything go well.

Izzy had never been in a hotel room before and while she initially found it the most exciting thing ever, she did start to struggle with the noises on either side and in the corridor. She found it hard to settle and she barked a bit but she wasn’t too bad, all things considering; it was a completely new experience for her, on top of all the travelling. I mean, I was feeling quite overwhelmed so I’m surprised she wasn’t more unsettled.

The next morning, we got up and – after a breakfast of ALL safe foods! – caught a cab to the Autism Dogs farm. Izzy hung out with a member of the team: given how adorable she is, I’ve yet to find someone who doesn’t want to spend time with her. And once she was settled, Mum and I got ready to meet River. She bounded into the room, this gorgeous black Labrador – bigger than the black Labrador I grew up with – bounded into the room, super excited and running back and forth between me and Mum. Her enthusiasm was infectious. But once she calmed down a bit, she was so sweet and so gentle: she curled up with her head in my lap, soft and warm and snuggly, so quickly. I was in love.

We got to just hang out with her for a bit: play and stroke and cuddle and just really get a feel for each other. It wasn’t a hard decision at all. Mum and I both felt like she was a really good fit: personality wise, good size, her fur isn’t a sensory issue for me, we have experience with Labradors… She was so sweet and affectionate and it just felt really right. The team members who were present for that session said that they don’t often see dogs connect so quickly.

Early on in the process, we had asked whether we would be able to name the dog I was matched with, as I had a specific name in mind – if possible. They said that that was unlike to be a problem, especially if it was the same amount of syllables as the original name. So River became Daisy, my personal superdog, inspired by Daisy Johnson of Agents of Shield (my special interest character for those of you who don’t know). And while I am, of course, biased, I think she looks more like a Daisy than a River.

I can’t get over how lovely she is and I can’t wait to start really working with her and learning the training and really building that bond. Unfortunately, we couldn’t stay there indefinitely so, when our time was up, we said goodbye to Daisy and were reunited with Izzy, who was very excited to see us. We caught a cab to the station and then the multiple trains home. We were all exhausted and so finally, finally getting home was wonderful. My bed had never been so appealing and me and Izzy snuggled down together. She’s handled the whole thing really well, given how many new and potentially overwhelming things she’d encountered over the previous two days; I was really proud of her.

It was a really good day and I can’t wait to visit Daisy again.

It was a long, exhausting day but I felt like we’d made a real leap forward, having matched with Daisy. I do feel pretty overwhelmed and emotional by the whole thing but I only had to talk to Mum to restore my confidence in the choice. It’s just a really big change and I always find big changes very unsettling. But even though it does feel quite overwhelming, the team are great and I have faith in them to guide me through Daisy’s training and then support me once she comes to live with me. So, yes, there’s anxiety but, for the most part, it’s not overwhelming; I know it’s just my brain spiralling because that’s my knee jerk reaction to any upheaval in my life. But I feel well supported and, ultimately, excited about the path we are now absolutely on.

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2023 in Songs

Posted on December 28, 2023

TW: Mentions of depression, suicidal ideation, and unspecified trauma.

This year, with the help of Phenelzine, I fell in love with music again, which has brought me so much joy. It did, of course, also make it even harder than previous years to narrow down the songs for this list. In an earlier post, I wrote this: “It’s so easy for time to make things blurry and for songs to transcend time that I love being able to see exactly when songs impacted my life and what they meant to me. I kind of love the idea of looking back one day – sometime in the future – and knowing which exact songs I connected to, rather than just having a vague sense of which artists and albums I loved.” I still really relate to it and it felt appropriate after what feels like so much time lost in the haze of my depression over the last couple of years when I wasn’t really listening to music at all. But, as I said, things have been getting better and I’ve been able to connect with music again, to enjoy it; I’m not sure if I can express how grateful I am for that. I’ve missed it so much.

So, this is my playlist for 2023. I’ve made a corresponding playlist on Spotify so you can listen along if you’d like to – you can find it here.

1. She Used To Be Mine by Sara Bareilles

The new year began as the last one ended, with the feeling that I was suffocating under the weight of my depression. As last year’s post shows, I don’t really listen to music when I feel like this but Sara Bareilles is the one artist that can get through the fog; the one artist that I can listen to pain-free. ‘She Used To Be Mine’ came on (it’s a gorgeous song and Sara has the most incredible voice) and after this awful year (and change) I’ve had, the title lyric in particular – “she is gone but she used to be mine” – resonates so strongly. The person I was before all of this… I don’t feel like she’s mine anymore. I remember her but who I was then and who I am now are not the same people. Sometimes I think she might be gone.

Favourite Lyrics: “She’s imperfect but she tries / She is good but she lies / She is hard on herself / She is broken and won’t ask for help / She is messy but she’s kind / She is lonely most of the time / She is all of this mixed up / And baked in a beautiful pie / She is gone but she used to be mine” AND “It’s not what I asked for / Sometimes life just slips in through a back door / And carves out a person / And makes you believe it’s all true” AND “And you’re not what I asked for / If I’m honest I know I would give it all back / For a chance to start over / And rewrite an ending or two / For the girl that I knew” (but honestly the whole song is stunning).

2. Mountain With A View by Kelsea Ballerini

I love this whole EP so much that it was honestly really, really hard to choose just one song. ‘Blindsided’ and ‘Interlude’ rank very high up on my list but I think my absolute favourite has to be ‘Mountain With A View.’ I love the production – it creates such a gorgeous atmosphere, perfect for opening the project – and the soundscapes wrapped in it, the storm in the background giving it a heavy feeling but one that will eventually break and clear. Kelsea’s voice sounds incredible, gorgeous and warm and intimate, something that makes me feel like, as the listener, we are being let into her world and her heart in a way that we haven’t before. The melodies feel effortless, as if guided completely by the emotion, like a river moving through a landscape to the sea. The lyrics are delicate and vulnerable, with visceral (but beautiful) imagery and metaphors smoothly twisted together, like: “I’m wearin’ the ring still, but I think I’m lyin’ / Sometimes you forget yours, I think we’re done tryin'” and “I’ve shared all my secrets and I’ve paid for all my crimes / And our stars ain’t fallin’ back in line” and “I think that this is when I cut the ties / I think that this is when I set myself free / One day you’ll ask, ‘When was it over for you?’ // I’m takin’ the ring off, I’m finally cryin’ / Don’t try to find yours, no reason to fight it.” A heartbreaking detail is how she seems to become more and more certain of what she feels she has to do throughout the song, the lyrics shifting from “I should be missing you” and “I think we’re done trying” to “I can’t handle another year of you and I just bein’ fine” to “I’m taking the ring off, I’m finally crying” and “Don’t try to find yours, no reason to fight it.” That last chorus-bridge-chorus is just so heartbreaking as it all breaks down, as she accepts the end and the consequences of making that decision. My favourite lyric of the song, even if it makes my chest hurt (especially because of how Kelsea has talked about how painful her parents’ divorce was for her, how much it affected her), is “You’ll say I’m crazy for bein’ the one to leave / Scream, I’m just like my parents and givin’ up easy.” It’s so sad: if you love someone, it’s just so cruel to throw something like that in their face, something that you know will hurt so much. Including that in the song just feels so vulnerable and I’m touched by fact that she’s trusting us – her listeners – with something so personal and painful. I think it’s ultimately this openness and trust in her audience that makes this body of work so strong. Of all of her projects, this EP is easily my favourite so far and I doubt I’m alone in saying that it’s the best work she has produced to date.

(I also think it’s worth noting that the obvious title for this song, given the hook, is ‘Over For Me,’ which would’ve been a neat and petty match for Morgan Evans’ single, ‘Over For You.’ We know from interviews how angry that song made Kelsea, especially given that he released it before they were even officially divorced, so it would’ve been easy to be juvenile and use it to strike back at him but because she’s mature and sensitive and thoughtful about her art, she knew it was important for the art to stand on its own: to be about her experience and her feelings. It was always going to generate a certain level of gossip because they were a fairly public, celebrity couple but as far as I can tell she’s done a really good job of telling her story without feeding the gossip machine any more than absolutely necessary.)

Favourite Lyrics: “I’m wearin’ the ring still, but I think I’m lyin’ / Sometimes you forget yours, I think we’re done tryin’ / I realize you loved me much more at twenty-three / I think that this is when it’s over for me” AND “I’ve shared all my secrets and I’ve paid for all my crimes / And our stars ain’t fallin’ back in line” AND “I think that this is when I cut the tie loose / I think that this is when I set myself free / One day you’ll ask, ‘When was it over for you?’ // I’m takin’ the ring off, I’m finally cryin’ / Don’t try to find yours, no reason to fight it / You’ll say I’m crazy for bein’ the one to leave // Scream I’m just like my parents and givin’ up easy / But you never took that last flight to see me / Looks like our ending ain’t endin’ happily / I think that this is when it’s over for me”

3. SUBJECT TO CHANGE by Kelsea Ballerini // Let It Be Love by The Six One Five Collective

March was a month of really serious change so ‘SUBJECT TO CHANGE’ seemed like a very appropriate song to find myself obsessively listening to. After seeing Kelsea Ballerini live at the end of February, this song was just playing on a loop in my head; the song is just so fun and the melody is kind of intoxicating in how addictive it is. I can play it over and over for hours and be having just as good a time on the hundredth listen as I was on the first. From the lyrics to the melody to the production, it’s catchy and effervescent and uplifting, and I felt the joy trying to get in (even if I wasn’t ready for it yet).

My favourite part of the song is the second verse and pre-chorus. The verse feels so true to my life experience and it just resonates so deeply. As much as I love it though, the pre-chorus just gets me every time: “Thank God, I don’t know about tomorrow / Thank God, I take it day by day / Oh, I don’t think about the chapters / It’s all about turning the page.” It’s something that I really struggle with – trying to predict the future and act according to that imagined future – so those lyrics really speak to me and the way Kelsea sings them just warms my heart, like maybe I won’t always feel this way.

Favourite Lyrics: “If I’m honest / Growing up, it kind of hurts like hell / It’s chaotic, ironic / But it’s how I learn to find myself, yeah // Thank God, I don’t know about tomorrow / Thank God, I take it day by day / Oh, I don’t think about the chapters / It’s all about turning the page”

I heard Michael Logen play this brand new song at Tin Pan South in Nashville and I was in love with it by the end of the first chorus; it was so warm and hopeful and beautiful. The lyrics and melody were just gorgeous and the message of always, always coming back to love was so moving. And hearing the whole room sing the chorus – “Let it be love, love, love” – was an almost spiritual experience. I could’ve cried; it was such a beautiful, meaningful song. My depression still had its claws buried in me but I was starting to feel like connection might be possible again, that making music might be possible again. That’s what songs like this, what Nashville, gave me.

Favourite Lyrics: “If there’s only one thing that I’m known for / Just one legacy I leave behind / Just one word written over my hearthstone / Just one lesson I’ve learned in this life // Let it be love, love, love” AND “If it’s only one kingdom we’re building / Just one future we’re falling into / … // Let it be love, love, love” AND “Let it be love that holds us / Love that moulds us / Let it be love by which we are known / Let it be love that sees us / Love that frees us / Let it be love that leads us back home”

4. Too Much Of A Good Thing by Madeline Edwards // Lost The Breakup by Maisie Peters

I love Madeline Edwards’ album, Crashlanded, having being introduced to it and its stories when I heard her perform most of the songs at a round at Tin Pan South in Nashville. I loved it on the spot – the lyrics, the metaphors, the melodies, her voice, and then (later) the production – and I listened to it on repeat without a break for weeks. There are multiple songs that I absolutely adore – and could’ve happily chosen for this list – but it’s the last song, ‘Too Much Of A Good Thing,’ that speaks to me the most: it explores the idea that maybe good things can last, that they don’t have to run their course and come to an end as we’ve always been taught to expect (‘you can have too much of a good thing’ and ‘you can only have so much of a good thing’ and so on). She talked about how much that idea had impacted her life and how trying to have faith in the opposite, in the idea that good things can last, has helped her and enabled her to be present in the good when it’s happening. This is something that I really struggle with so this song really resonates with me and the more I listen to it, the more emotional it makes me. It’s simple and sweet, allowing you to focus on her voice, which is incredible, and the lyrics, which are poignant and uplifting.

Favourite Lyrics: “Well, life don’t always work like that / And hearts don’t have to break / And God don’t give to take it back / And dreams don’t have to fade / You can fly too close to the sun / And never melt your wings / And you can’t have too much of a good thing” AND “What if the love you want is the love you find?” AND “What if fear turns into scared of nothing? / You don’t have to let go of what you always wanted”

I think that the best pop songs are made up of catchy melodies, great lyrics that succinctly tell the story, and choruses that drive the point home. This song has all of those things and more. The verses give us the details of the story, of the break up; the prechoruses tee us up for the chorus while making her feelings for this guy scathingly clear; the choruses give us the biggest, most important pieces of the story without sacrificing the lyrical content or quality; and the bridge delivers a fun twist where, instead of winning the break up through revenge or spitefulness, she wins through getting over him and moving on with her life. I really love that narrative. I mean, I love a good revenge song but it’s really cool to have this different, more mature message, wrapped up in a fun pop song. The melodies are instant ear worms and the production pushes and pulls beautifully, the energy rising and falling in a way that carries you along effortlessly. It’s so much fun to sing along to and the hook – “oh, shit!” – is absolutely irresistible. It is quite possibly the most fun I’ve had listening to a song in a really long time. After struggling to feel joy for so long – to even remember what joy might feel like – it’s been beyond amazing to have so much fun listening to music again.

Favourite Lyrics: “I know I’m obsessed and / Right now, I might be a mess but / One day, you’re gonna wake up / And, oh shit, you lost the breakup / I’ll smile and you’ll have to face it / I’m the greatest love that you wasted / But, by then, I’ll be far away / And, oh shit, you lost the breakup” AND “But for now, I’m out in the dust / Falling apart / Oh, is she just like me? Yeah, I reckon / You got two types, Country and Western” AND “So, I’m feeling and I’m dealing with the heart you broke / While you do press-ups and repress us and take off her clothes / Here’s something if nothing else is still true / I’m the best thing that almost happened to you” AND “…and you’ll say / ‘Wow, hey, it’s been forever / Do you wanna get a drink, like together?’ / I say, ‘I’m kinda busy but, like, stay in touch?’ / I think, ‘oh shit, I won the breakup'”

5. Lie Better by Cassidy Daniels // Happy by Kesha

I fell in love with this song from the very first listen. Between the warm and emotive instrumentation, Cassidy’s gorgeous voice, and the lyrics – one heartbreaking punch in the gut after another – I was obsessed and listened to it on repeat, telling pretty much everyone I knew about this lyric or that one. The delicate acoustic guitar is absolutely perfect to represent that fragility of trying to hold yourself together after something has completely wrecked you and Cassidy has this beautiful, highly versatile voice, making her able to convey the heartbreak with such emotion. Hearing her like this was so moving to me because I’ve only really heard her sing really powerfully, an incredible belt that just filled the room, so it was really lovely to hear the other end of that spectrum, to hear her voice soft and vulnerable. The lyrics are – as usual – my favourite part and they are so fucking good. It’s really inspiring as a songwriter. The rhyming is so natural, especially in the bridge: “Wish you could lie better / Wishing that I never / Saw your true colours, wish you didn’t love her, wish you would’ve covered / Your lie better / Wish you could lie, lie better.” And the way she puts the universal experiences of those kinds of life changing moments – “I remember the day before the day I knew / When my forever was still forever with you,” for example – feels so organic but so deeply, painfully accurate. The whole song just sounds so real, like it just all spilled out in a moment of intense emotion.

Favourite Lyrics: “They say, ‘Ignorance is bliss’ / I guess it’s true, ’cause it’s gotta be better than this” AND “Wish you could lie better / Wishing that I never / Saw your true colours, wish you didn’t love her, wish you would’ve covered / Your lie better / Wish you could lie, lie better” AND “I remember the day before the day I knew / When my forever was still forever with you / I’d give anything to just go back / But a heart can’t forget when a heart attacks”

This song is so interesting to me, both following ‘Hate Me Harder’ and closing the album. And, of course, it’s gorgeous in its simplicity and vulnerability. The stripped back guitar really allows both Kesha’s voice and her lyrics to shine and they really do, closing out the album and this chapter of her life – this is the last album on her contract with her current label – on a very poignant note. I can understand why it’s (apparently) one of her favourites on the album. The song explores how her perspective has changed over time, how finding happiness has become her priority over everything else, a tough job for anyone but something that must feel like a particularly significant aspiration after everything she’s gone through in her life and career (most of which has been in the harsh light of the public eye): “If you asked me then where I wanted to be / It’d look something like this, living out my wildest of dreams / But life sometimes ain’t always what it seems / If you ask me now / All I’ve wanted to be / Is happy.” Having said that though, I found it very relatable…

We’ve all been through tough stuff and given the traumatic experiences I’ve had and my struggles with mental illness and being neurodivergent, I can certainly relate to feeling like being happy could very well be an impossible goal.
I love how the first verse – “What if none of this happened? / It’s nothing like I imagined it / What if I wasn’t this strong? / What if it all just went different?” – can be interpreted in different ways, particularly the line, “What if I wasn’t this strong?” The most obvious meaning is that, if she hadn’t been so strong, she wouldn’t have survived everything that’s happened to her. But an interpretation that I keep thinking about is how it almost sounds like it’s something she resents, like she couldn’t give up even if she wanted to, which is something I really, really relate to at the moment.
The progression from “Time’s passing me by / Gotta just laugh so I don’t cry” to “Time’s passing me by / Gotta just laugh so I don’t die” is so heartbreaking.
The lyric, “I remember when I was little / Before I knew that anyone could be evil / These egos, some people, playing with my innocence like at a casino,” has some of the most visceral imagery but it’s also so deeply relatable. I’m sure most of us – if not all of us – remember a moment when it became clear that the world was a lot crueler than we’d thought it was, when we were devastated by someone we trusted hurting us when we’d never imagined that they would.

The contrast between this song and ‘Hate Me Harder’ get me every single time. In ‘Hate Me Harder,’ she sings, “There’s nothing left that I haven’t heard / And I can take it, so make it hurt” and “Again and again and again and again, I’ll keep saying it over again / I’ve been there, I’ve done it, I’ve lived it, I’ve fucked it, I’d do it all over again / I’ll take it, I’ll take it, I’ll take it, I’ll take it, I already know that I can / Already know I can” but then, in ‘Happy,’ she sings, “What if none of this happened? / It’s nothing like I imagined it / […] / What if it all just went different?” and “There’s so many things I’d change but I can’t.” The two different points of view mirroring each other is just gut-wrenching, especially considering they are both delivered in such raw, vulnerable songs. When I listen to them, I think of ‘Hate Me Harder’ as the version of herself that she presents to the world, not a lie or a mask but just not her whole self, and then ‘Happy’ is the soft and vulnerable heart that she keeps protected from the world but chose to share with us on this track, on this album. Again, it’s not her whole self but it’s a really important part, especially when telling this chapter of her story. (It fascinates me how much we can learn about an artist from their albums – and discographies – which is why it makes me so angry and just heartbroken that the music industry is making it is so incredibly difficult for people to release them. Albums give you this beautiful chance to get to know an artist, to fall in love with them and become invested in them in a way that singles just can’t. Okay, tangent over. For now.) And that honesty and vulnerability, combined with the stripped down sound to let the lyrics take centre stage is why it is, in my opinion, the perfect closing track for the album and such a beautiful song.

Favourite Lyrics: “What if none of this happened? / It’s nothing like I imagined it / What if I wasn’t this strong? / What if it all just went different?” AND “Time’s passing me by / Gotta just laugh so I don’t cry” AND “I remember when I was little / Before I knew that anyone could be evil / These egos, some people, playing with my innocence like at a casino” AND “Time’s passing me by / Gotta just laugh so I don’t die”

Honourable mention to ‘Pathetic’ by Nick Wilson and both ‘We’re Not Friends’ and ‘Both’ by Ingrid Andress (I love her new album, Good Person, but these two songs have been really in my head because they’re just so good), both of whom I listened to a lot and saw live in May. They are amazing and the show was fantastic.

6. You’re Losing Me by Taylor Swift // Nervous System by Candi Carpenter

This song came out at the end of May and I’ve basically had it on repeat ever since even though it’s so gut-wrenchingly sad. At the time, we all thought it was a response to the breakup with Joe but clearly that relationship was much more complicated than we knew since Jack Antonoff revealed that it was written in December 2021. But anyway. The song is clearly about agonising over whether or not to end a relationship and the imagery she uses to depict that pain is beautiful, if deeply sad: “Remember lookin’ at this room, we loved it ’cause of the light / Now I just sit in the dark and wonder if it’s time,” “I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick / My face was gray, but you wouldn’t admit that we were sick,” “And the air is thick with loss and indecision / I know my pain is such an imposition,” etc. You can see those moments; it’s like you’re living them with her. You can feel her resignation, her exhaustion, the heaviness, the anger… She conveys the emotions so clearly, so smoothly; her writing skill is beyond incredible. The chorus is sparse and simple – “Stop, you’re losin’ me / Stop, you’re losin’ me / Stop, you’re losin’ me / I can’t find a pulse / My heart won’t start anymore / For you / ‘Cause you’re losin’ me” – but with the wordiness of the song, I think this only makes it more impactful, conveying the metaphor of the song more powerfully than a busier chorus would. The bridge is a stellar Swift-Antonoff classic that just keeps building and building until the emotion pours out like a waterfall. She questions how long they can go on in this unhappy state – “How long could we be a sad song / ‘Til we were too far gone to bring back to life? / I gave you all my best me’s, my endless empathy” – how she gave him everything, referencing military imagery, a heartbreaking throwback to ‘The Great War,’ a conflict that they managed to survive – “And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier / Fighting in only your army / Frontlines, don’t you ignore me.” She’s “the best thing at this party” but he still doesn’t seem to want her: “And I wouldn’t marry me either / A pathological people pleaser / Who only wanted you to see her.” Those lyrics always reminds me of ‘All Too Well (10 Minute Version) [From the Vault]’ and how she felt similarly unseen and misunderstood in that relationship: “The idea you had of me, who was she? / A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel whose shine reflects on you.” These specific phrases feel so personal, like someone knew exactly where to hit to make it hurt most; it’s heartbreaking. The final part of the bridge is so heart-wrenching, and all the more heart-wrenching for its simplicity: “And I’m fadin’, thinkin’ / Do something, babe, say something / Lose something, babe, risk something / Choose something, babe, I got nothing / To believe / Unless you’re choosin’ me / You’re losin’ me.” I swear it’s impossible not to scream along. The internal rhymes are so pleasing to the ear and I love the way the final “You’re losin’ me” fits into both the end of the bridge and the beginning of the final chorus. Production-wise, I love pretty much everything that Taylor and Jack do together but this isn’t one of my favourites; it’s poignant and atmospheric but, to my ears, it feels a little unfinished. I’d love to hear what it sounded like with production more in the vein of ‘The Great War’ or ‘Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve’ (although with a sparser arrangement).

Favourite Lyrics: “Remember looking at this room, we loved it ’cause of the light / Now I just sit in the dark and wonder if it’s time” AND “Stop, you’re losing me / I can’t find a pulse / My heart won’t start anymore / For you / ‘Cause you’re losing me” AND “I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick / My face was grey but you wouldn’t admit that we were sick // And the air is thick with loss and indecision / I know my pain is such an imposition” AND “And I wouldn’t marry me either / A pathological people-pleaser / Who only wanted you to see her” AND “Do something, babe, say something / Lose something, babe, risk something / Choose something, babe, I got nothing / To believe, unless you’re choosing me / You’re losing me”

I love Candi Carpenter and I could’ve chosen several from their EP for this slot; I relate so hard to multiple songs, in emotion if not always literally. But there’s something about ‘Nervous System’ – I think it’s because I just find it so relatable. I’m sorry but there is no lyric so relatable to me as the second verse of this song: “They say that life’s a party but I’ve always hated parties / I imagine a car wreck every time I touch my car keys / I don’t want to go anywhere / I’m a temperamental houseplant / Dehydrated, full of hatred / Cat hair on my sweatpants // When I check the CAPTCHA box that says I’m not a robot / I’m lying to myself and I’m lying to my laptop.” It’s just so hilariously me. And the choruses, both the original – “I have a nervous system / I’m nervous all time / I’m a lot like Hannibal, I’m just a cannibal / Eating myself alive / I have a nervous system” – and the extended final chorus – “These are fancy words // For my nervous system / I’m sorry it’s not more organised / It’s business as usual / I’m biting my cuticles / Literally eating myself alive / I have a nervous system / I’m nervous all time / I’m a lot like Hannibal, I’m just a cannibal / Eating myself alive / I have a nervous system” – are very me. The lyric-writing is so good, relatable and hilarious and whip-smart and the melody and rhyme-scheme make it such a satisfying song to listen to (and scream along to in the car). The production is so cool and so fun and Candi uses their voice with such skill: it’s so expressive and brings so much emotion… and just life to every track.

Favourite Lyrics: “I have a nervous system / I’m nervous all the time / I’m a lot like Hannibal / I’m just a cannibal / Eating myself alive / I have a nervous system” AND “I don’t want to go anywhere / I’m a temperamental houseplant / Dehydrated, full of hatred / Cat hair on my sweatpants” AND “When I check the CAPTCHA box that says I’m not a robot / I’m lying to myself and I’m lying to my laptop / I don’t wanna hand this down, I’m afraid to reproduce / I wonder if Sigmund Freud turned into his dad too” AND “These are fancy words // For my nervous system / I’m sorry it’s not more organised / It’s business as usual / I’m biting my cuticles / Literally eating myself alive / I have a nervous system”

7. History of Man by Maisie Peters // Castles Crumbling (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault) by Taylor Swift

It’s safe to say that I’m obsessed with this album. It was so hard to choose just one to include here but the closer, ‘History of Man,’ is so powerful that I need to write about it. I love the muted production and the way it builds throughout the song but the lyrics are what really stand out (and I learned later that she wrote a lot of it just sitting at a piano, having decided not to write a song). There’s a lot in it but she seems to be telling the story of how, as hard as she tried, she couldn’t break the cycle of heartbreak that is as old as man itself; even pleading with the gods, that cycle can never be broken or rewritten. Before its release, she also described it like this: “This song is about so many things it’s hard to even distill into a tarot card paragraph. It’s about the power I feel as a songwriter, and the deep true magic I believe exists within love, even when that love has been lost. I wanted it to be the album closer because it encapsulates a lot of the themes I explore within [The Good Witch], but also because it sums up a large part of the feminine experience as I have felt it. This song feels deep and complex and important, like something bigger than me perhaps.” Throughout the song, she references history, mythology, bible stories, and symbolism to describe the break up of a relationship and the realisation that this story is so much older and bigger than she is, that hers is just the latest in an endless cycle. In the first verse, she establishes just how old love and heartbreak are and how, people have been falling in and out of love for as long as people have existed, through the biggest and smallest days in history: “Tale as old as honey / A moment everybody knows / Yeah, I’m sure there was heartbreak / Inside the walls of Jericho.” At the same time, she introduces her story, asking how her partner could just fall out of love with her, how he could hurt her so badly having loved her so much: “I couldn’t believe it / How you could just stop wanting me? / You burnt down Easter Island / As if it wasn’t sacred, as if it wasn’t sacred to me.” The imagery is beautiful and the references to all of these big, historic images give the song a powerful atmosphere and magnitude. In the chorus, she comes to the realisation that, no matter how hard she tries, this is something she can’t change: “I’ve seen it, in the poems and the sands / I’ve pleaded, with the powers and their plans / I tried to rewrite it but I can’t / It’s the history, the history of man.” This story of love and heartbreak has happened millions of times, a story that repeats over and over again: “She stays up, he’s sleeping like a lamb / She begs him, he says he doesn’t understand / She loves him, more than anyone ever has in the history, the history of man / It’s the history of man.” This is a burden shared by women, one that men just can’t understand, which makes the title – ‘History of Man’ – both ironic and heartbreaking. In the second verse, she seems to reference the story of Orpheus and Eurydice, where he must walk out of the Underworld without looking back in order to save her but he can’t resist looking and damns her to hell. The lyrics “You didn’t even falter / Didn’t look back once, did you?” seem to imply that he walked out easily, that he wasn’t even tempted to look back because he didn’t care, an idea she reinforces with the later lyric, “You walked out, oh / Without sweating.” She also references the story of Samson and Delilah – “So Samson blamed Delilah, but given half the chance I / I would have made him weaker too” – where Delilah betrayed Samson by cutting his hair and costing him his power. On Twitter, Maisie wrote that the lyrics referred to how she wished she could’ve made someone weaker so that they wouldn’t have left “as callously as they did.” She understands why Delilah acted as she did and would’ve done the same. It’s also interesting that Samson “blamed” Delilah when it was he who actually gave her the ability to hurt him, by sharing his secret, and could be interpreted to mean that this person had never shared enough of themself with Maisie to even let her hurt them. After another chorus, she digs even deeper into “the unending pain of the female experience” with the bridge: the first line, “He stole our youth and promised heaven,” refers to “older men taking advantage of younger women” and “the way we want to believe them, the way they know that and use it against us,” as Maisie explained on Twitter; “The men start wars yet Troy hates Helen” describes how, even though it was always the men that started wars, Helen was the one hated because she had power over men; “Women’s hearts are lethal weapons / Did you hold mine and feel threatened?” could easily refer to the way men are so quick to undermine women and to keep them down so that they will always be the ones holding the power, because a woman with power, something that Maisie is depicting here, is something they perceived as terrifying; the lyric, “Hear my lyrics, taste my venom,” sounds like Maisie’s own war cry, that people will hear what she has to say and recognise the power she holds (however the use of ‘venom’ could also be linked to the story of Eve being tempted by the snake and how, throughout history, women have been portrayed as liars and betrayers and villains); and the final lyric, “You are still my great obsession,” could imply that, despite the cruelty of men, women continue to obsess over the idea of falling in love, which can so often lead to pain and heartbreak. The final chorus begins as the previous ones do – “I’ve seen it, in the poems and the sands / I’ve pleaded, with the powers and their plans / I tried to rewrite it but I can’t / It’s the history, the history of man” – only to suddenly switch perspectives – “I stay up, you’re sleeping like a lamb / I beg you and you don’t understand” – implying that this time it’s her story that she’s telling, not a ubiquitous experience of women but her personal heartbreak, the latest in this long, long lineage. As she draws to the end of the song, she sings, “I hold on, I try to hold your hand / I save you a seat, and then you say you wanna stand,” which is a gut-wrenching image: she tried to hold onto the relationship and she did everything she could to save it, only to have it thrown back in her face, which brings them to the inevitable conclusion: “So you’ll lose me, the best you’ll ever have / It’s the history, the history of man.” If he treats her badly, she’ll walk away with a broken heart and he’ll be left alone, searching for someone ‘better’ and never realising that he had it but threw it away. And the story repeats. And repeats and repeats and repeats.

Favourite Lyrics: “Yeah, I’m sure there was heartbreak / Inside the walls of Jericho” AND “You burnt down Easter Island / As if it wasn’t sacred, as if it wasn’t sacred to me” AND “I’ve seen it, in the poems, in the sands / I’ve pleaded, with the powers and their plans / I tried to rewrite it but I can’t / It’s the history, the history of man” AND “He stole our youth and promised heaven / The men start wars yet Troy hates Helen / Women’s hearts are lethal weapons / Did you hold mine and feel threatened? / Hear my lyrics, taste my venom / You are still my great obsession” AND “I hold on, I try to hold your hand / I save you a seat, and then you say you wanna stand / So you’ll lose me, the best you’ll ever have / It’s the history, the history of man”

I love multiple vault tracks on this rerecording but I’m pretty sure ‘Castles Crumbling (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)’ is my favourite. It’s a beautifully written song with a really strong, powerful metaphor, one that is heartbreakingly similar to the one that Taylor uses in ‘Long Live.’ But rather than triumphant and euphoric, the imagery is haunting and atmospheric, with lyrics like: “Once, I had an empire in a golden age” and “And I feel like my castle’s crumbling down / And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground” and “Once, I was the great hope for a dynasty” and “Now they’re screaming at the palace front gates, used to chant my name.” It’s beautiful, in a desolate kind of way. The emotion, the self loathing, is so heartbreaking – “I will just let you down / You don’t wanna know me now” and “Crowds would hang on my words, and they trusted me / Their faith was strong, but I pushed it too far / I held that grudge ’til it tore me apart” and “And here I sit alone, behind walls of regret / Falling down like promises that I never kept” and “People look at me like I’m a monster / Now they’re screaming at the palace front gates, used to chant my name / Now they’re screaming that they hate me / Never wanted you to hate me” – and I find it so distressing to think about the fact that, even then – so relatively early in her career – Taylor had so much anxiety over her future; she was so young and so scared and it just makes me wish I could go back in time and hug her. By the time she calls herself a ‘monster’ in ‘Anti-Hero,’ she’s strong enough and she’s shared enough that we understand where she’s coming from, that it’s an insecurity rather than a belief, but that’s not necessarily clear here, coming from a not even twenty-one year old Taylor. The whole thing makes me emotional enough to cry. Her vocals are stunning, conveying such emotion and fragility, and Hayley Williams’ compliments her beautifully; the production is gorgeous too’ somehow both sparse and anthemic.

Favourite Lyrics: “Once, I had an empire in a golden age” AND “And I feel like my castle’s crumbling down / And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground / And you don’t want to know me, I will just let you down / You don’t wanna know me now” AND “Once, I was the great hope for a dynasty / Crowds would hang on my words and they trusted me / Their faith was strong, but I pushed it too far / I held that grudge ’til it tore me apart // Power went to my head and I couldn’t stop / Ones I loved tried to help, so I ran them off / And here I sit alone behind walls of regret / Falling down like promises that I never kept” AND “People look at me like I’m a monster // Now they’re screaming at the palace front gates / Used to chant my name / Now they’re screaming that they hate me / Never wanted you to hate me”

8. There It Goes by Maisie Peters

I love this song so, so much. There’s something about the delicacy of the production and Maisie’s light voice and the uplifting feel that makes me emotional every time, not to mention the absolutely stunning lyrics. She seems to sum up the whole album in one song, moving forward and reclaiming her story, with more beautiful imagery than you know what to do with. The song has a lightness and a freedom to it, that we’re introduced to in the first part of the song, with lyrics like “I’m back in London / I’m running down Columbia Road / They’re selling sunflowers cheap” and “I hang all my art / And I dance with the coven / As the rain falls hard on the street,” resolving with “And I, I’m doing better / I made it to September / I can finally breathe,” a quiet but self-assured acknowledgement of how far she’s come. In the chorus, she’s finally letting go of this relationship that she’s invested so much time and emotion in; she’s letting it go before it becomes a permanent part of her. In the second verse, she’s moving forward and finally feeling like it: “I / Need you less than I did / I threw a party / He kissed me right in front of my friends / I felt so far from the cliffs.” She’s found peace with it and with what they had – “I sleep through the night / And I go where I’m wanted / And I don’t need your light to be lit” – and she’s taken from it what she needed to – “But oh, the way I loved you / I will not be embarrassed of that / Just should’ve known when to quit” – and nothing more. After the second chorus, she tips into an incredible bridge, full of symbolism and imagery, representing starting over and recovery: “A new home, a swan dive / A blank page, a rewrite / A black cat in the streetlights / An open door / The comedown of closure / The girls and I do yoga / I wake up and it’s October / The loss is yours / Brick lane in the brisk cold / And red wine on his hip bone / The witching hours of Stockholm that you won’t see / Sunflowers in the kitchen / No heartbreak in remission / The universe is shifting / And it’s all for me, all for me.” Her world has turned on its axis and the story has become hers again; she’s taken it back. The bridge always makes me cry. I want to know what that feels like, that “The universe is shifting / And it’s all for me” feeling. It’s a beautiful, beautiful song and one that has a really special place in my heart, even if it often makes me cry.

Favourite Lyrics: “I’m back in London / I’m running down Columbia Road / They’re selling sunflowers cheap” AND “I hang all my art / And I dance with the coven / As the rain falls hard on the street / And I, I’m doing better / I made it to September / I can finally breathe” AND “I sleep through the night / And I go where I’m wanted / And I don’t need your light to be lit / But oh, the way I loved you / I will not be embarrassed of that / Just should’ve known when to quit” AND “A new home, a swan dive / A blank page, a rewrite / A black cat in the streetlights / An open door / The comedown of closure / The girls and I do yoga / I wake up and it’s October / The loss is yours / Brick lane in the brisk cold / And red wine on his hip bone / The witching hours of Stockholm that you won’t see / Sunflowers in the kitchen / A heartbreak in remission / The universe is shifting / And it’s all for me, all for me”

Later on, in September, the line “I made it to September / I can finally breathe” became a bit of a trend on social media and people were screaming it during the live show. I struggled with that: I love the song and it just made me really sad because I didn’t feel good about reaching September, I wasn’t doing better, and I couldn’t ‘finally breathe.’ I want, more than anything, to know what “The universe is shifting / And it’s all for me” feels like. So seeing all of those videos was really hard and I ended up all but quitting social media. So it meant a lot to me when Maisie posted this clip…

9. making the bed by Olivia Rodrigo // logical by Olivia Rodrigo // the grudge by Olivia Rodrigo

I literally cannot choose so it’s a three-way tie between my three favourite songs from GUTS, Olivia Rodrigo’s new album.

‘making the bed’ is a gorgeous, gorgeous song while still being utterly devastating; the soft, delicate vocals and production only emphasise the vulnerability of the song. The song seems to detail Rodrigo’s experience of and feelings on fame but so many of the lyrics can also apply to feeling uncomfortable in your surroundings and in your skin, such as “Well, sometimes I feel like I don’t wanna be where I am” and “I’m so tired of bein’ the girl that I am.” The overthinking and feelings of insecurity are clear too, with lyrics like “Every good thing has turned into somethin’ I dread.” It’s very relatable, regardless of Rodrigo’s personal meaning. The metaphor she uses in the chorus, the idea of making her own bed is already a powerful one but, by expanding it, she’s made it even more impactful: “But it’s me who’s been makin’ the bed / Me who’s been makin’ the bed / Pull the sheets over my head, yeah / Makin’ the bed.” Not only has she created the situation she’s in but, now that she’s aware of it, it’s so hard to fix that she’s hiding from what she has to do, pulling the ‘sheets’ over her head. The second verse is one of my favourite lyrical moments on the album and I deeply relate to the part about the recurring dream: “And every night, I wake up from this one recurrin’ dream / Where I’m drivin’ through the city, and the brakes go out on me / I can’t stop at the red light, can’t swerve off the road / I read somewhere it’s ’cause my life feels so out of control / And I tell someone I love them just as a distraction / They tell me that they love me like I’m some tourist attraction / They’re changin’ my machinery, and I just let it happen / I got the things I wanted, it’s just not what I imagined.” It’s so beautifully written and the emotion just feels so raw and so close to the surface; it hits me like a train every time. It’s so vivid and visceral. The guitar part in the bridge is absolutely gorgeous and it may be my favourite musical moment on the album; there’s something about the tone combined with the melody that just hits me like a gut punch. I love it and it makes me want to flip my hair dramatically every time. And the last chorus is just so sad – “Sometimes I feel like I don’t wanna be where I am / Countin’ all of the beautiful things I regret / But it’s me who’s been makin’ the bed / Me who’s been makin’ the bed / Pull the sheets over my head / Makin’ the bed” – the modified lines adding one last heartbreaking confession.

Favourite Lyrics: “Another perfect moment that doesn’t feel like mine / Another thing I forced to be a sign” AND “I’m so tired of bein’ the girl that I am / Every good thing has turned into something I dread / And I’m playin’ the victim so well in my head / But it’s me who’s been making the bed / Me who’s been making the bed / Pull the sheets over my head / Making the bed” AND “And every night, I wake up from this one recurrin’ dream / Where I’m drivin’ through the city and the brakes go out on me / I can’t stop at the red light, I can’t swerve off the road / I read somewhere it’s ’cause my life feels so out of control / And I tell someone I love them just as a distraction / They tell me that they love me like I’m some tourist attraction / They’re changin’ my machinery and I just let it happen / I got the things I wanted, it’s just not what I imagined”

I think ‘logical’ may be the best written song on the album (and, interestingly, it’s a cowrite with Julia Michaels, which could explain the slightly different lyrical voice). The production is gorgeous – I love the piano part so much – and Rodrigo sounds beautiful: hurt and heartbroken and confused. Her vocals are incredible across the album but I think this song really showcases how expressive her voice can be. Lyrically, it’s stunning and I particularly love the second verse: “And I fell for you like water / Falls from the February sky / But now the current’s stronger / And I couldn’t get out if I tried / But you convinced me, baby / It was all in my mind.” The way she weaves all of these water based lyrics together so that they flow smoothly is beautiful. The simplicity of both the lyric and the melody of the chorus sounds stunning and really emphasises the vulnerability, as does the use of such… almost childish imagery: the lyrics “Two plus two equals five” and “If rain don’t pour and sun don’t shine” makes her sound so young, which she arguably was in the face of the break up. The bridge is incredible and so, so vulnerable (I’m honestly amazed that she released it): “‘Cause lovin’ you is lovin’ every / Argument you held over my head / Brought up the girls you could have instead / Said I was too young, I was too soft / Can’t take a joke, can’t get you off / Oh, why do I do this?” And it’s so well-written: you can hear his systematic and undermining attack on her, hammering on every insecurity and soft spot. You can hear the cruelty and you can hear her anguish and humiliation. And as heartbreaking as that is, it’s the outro, I think, that reveals the core of the pain: “Oh, logical, logical, love is never logical / I know I’m half responsible and that makes me feel horrible / Oh, logical, logical, love is never logical / I know I could’ve stopped it all, God, why didn’t I stop it all?” The first part hits like a gut punch and the second part is worse; it’s gut-wrenching to listen to. To hear her question why she let it happen, why she didn’t stop it before it got to that point, when he was the one who hurt her is devastating. But I get it; I’ve been there and something like that really messes with your head, making it really, really hard to untangle the feelings from the facts.

Favourite Lyrics: “Come for me like a saviour / And I’d put myself through hell for you” AND “And I fell for you like water / Falls from the February sky / But now the current’s stronger / No, I couldn’t get out if I triedBut you convinced me, baby / It was all in my mind” AND “Then changing you is possible / No, love is never logical” AND “You built a giant castle / With walls so high I couldn’t see / The way it all unraveled / And all the things you did to me / You lied, you lied, you lied” AND “You mean all those words you said / I’m sure that girl is really your friend / Problems are all solvable / ‘Cause loving you is loving every // Argument you held over my head / Brought up the girls you could have instead / Said I was too young, I was too soft / Can’t take a joke, can’t get you off” AND “Logical, logical / Love is never logical / I know I’m half responsible / And that makes me feel horrible // Oh, logical, logical / Love is never logical / I know I could’ve stopped it all / God, why didn’t I stop it all?”

‘the grudge’ is an interesting one; it feels a little more stream of consciousness than traditional pop song. The chords wander a little more and it’s not so tightly tied up. But it’s beautiful and raw, a plea for answers after a trauma that changed your life in every possible way imaginable. I really relate to that and so I find the lyrics deeply moving and compelling; I can pinpoint lyrics like “You took everything I loved and crushed it in between your fingers” and “And I doubt you ever think about the damage that you did / But I hold on to every detail like my life depends on it / My undying love, now I hold it like a grudge” to moments in my own life. While I prefer the verses more from a lyrical point of view, the chords to the chorus are gorgeous, especially towards the end of the first chorus: she makes a transition that is just so gorgeous and vividly reminds me of Sara Bareilles, or something Sara Bareilles would do in a song. It’s one of my favourite musical moments on the album. And the second verse is another of my favourite lyrical moments: “The arguments that I have won against you in my head / In the shower, in the car and in the mirror before bed / Yeah, I’m so tough when I’m alone and I make you feel so guilty / And I fantasise about a time you’re a little fucking sorry / And I try to understand why you would do this all to me / You must be insecure, you must be so unhappy / And I know in my heart hurt people hurt people / And we both drew blood, but, man, those cuts were never equal.” Each moment is so clear, so vivid: you can see each imagined argument, her frustration and distress over how she never got the apology she deserved, how hard she’s trying to let it go only to still feel so hurt by it. No word is superfluous; every syllable is dedicated to this attempt to exorcise him from her life – to let it go, to forgive him, to move on – but she’s still hurting too much. Her vocals in the bridge are stunning and when it peaks, with the lyric “You have everything and you still want more,” you can almost hear the tears. That feeling, that pain and frustration and anger, is conveyed so well that it makes my stomach twist. The progression within the chorus, from “It takes strength to forgive, but I don’t feel strong” to “It takes strength to forgive, but I’m not quite sure I’m there yet,” really show the growth and acceptance throughout the song: at the beginning, she’s frustrated with herself for not being able to forgive him but, by the final chorus, she’s accepted that it’s a process and a journey and she’ll get there one day, but she’s just not in that place ‘yet.’ It’s acknowledgement that it’s okay to feel everything, to process it all in small steps; she doesn’t have to be anywhere she isn’t until she’s ready to be. Maybe that’s just me reading into it but I think it’s a really moving sentiment.

Favourite Lyrics: “Took everything I loved and crushed it in between your fingers / And I doubt you ever think about the damage that you did / But I hold onto every detail like my life depends on it” AND “The arguments that I have won against you in my head / In the shower, in the car and in the mirror before bed / Yeah, I’m so tough when I’m alone and I make you feel so guilty / And I fantasise about a time you’re a little fuckin’ sorry / And I try to understand why you would do this all to me / You must be insecure, you must be so unhappy / And I know in my heart hurt people hurt people / And we both drew blood, but, man, those cuts were never equal” AND “You have everything and you still want more” AND “It takes strength to forgive, but I’m not quite sure I’m there yet”

10. The Tree by Maren Morris // Truth Is by Maisie Peters // Say Don’t Go (Taylor’s Version) [From The Vault] by Taylor Swift

I love both of the tracks on Maren Morris’ EP, The Bridge, but I had to go with ‘The Tree’ here. I just really, really love it. She sounds incredible, as she always does, and the production is gorgeous; it just sounds so Maren Morris in all of the best ways. The chorus – “Oooh / Do you hear that / It’s the sound of a new wind blowing / Oooh / Do you feel that / Heart letting go of the weight it’s been holding / I’ve made miracles in the shadows / But now that I’m out in the sun / I’ll never stop growing / Wherever I’m going / Hope I’m not the only one” – is so moving and inspiring. The tree metaphor is really tight and beautifully executed and the lyrics are so simple but impactful: “I’m done filling a cup with a hole in the bottom / I’m taking an axe to the tree / The rot at the roots is the root of the problem / But you wanna blame it on me” and “I hung around longer than anyone should / You’ve broken my heart more than anyone could” and “Spent ten thousand hours trying to fight it with flowers.” And the extended final chorus, with the added lyrics – including “Do you hear that / That’s the sound of the tree falling” – is the perfect ending. The song expresses her feelings and her hopes, but it’s also a call to action. Over her career, Maren has become more and more outspoken about her personal and political beliefs and this seems like a really natural progression. It’s really powerful, even if it does make me want to cry and give her a massive hug.

Favourite Lyrics: “The rot at the roots is the root of the problem / But you wanna blame it on me / I hung around longer than anyone should / You’ve broken my heart more than anyone could” AND “Ooh, do you hear that? / It’s the sound of a new wind blowing / Ooh, do you feel that / Heart letting go of the weight it’s been holding / I’ve made miracles in the shadows / But now that I’m out in the sun / I’ll never stop growing / Wherever I’m going / Hope I’m not the only one” AND “Spent ten thousand hours trying to fight it with flowers” AND “Do you hear that / That’s the sound of the tree falling”

I love The Good Witch deluxe tracks. I love the original album and I wouldn’t change the tracklist because it’s so perfect as it is but I still love the extra songs. There are so many gorgeous lyrics and melodies and production moments. There are multiple songs I could write about here but the one that hit me the hardest and fastest was ‘Truth Is.’ It’s just so raw and devastating and it breaks my heart to think of Maisie writing it, of Maisie potentially going through it – she’s said that she doesn’t only write about personal experiences so I don’t want to assume that she has but it’s clearly a story that resonated with her otherwise I doubt she would’ve written a song about it, and such a powerful song at that – having said that, I will refer to ‘she/her’ and ‘he/him’ just for the sake of ease while writing. It describes, in painful detail, reflecting on an abusive relationship and the devastating effect it had. The lyrics just wrecked me, the trauma she went through and how he clearly just doesn’t care: “Time will heal / But I’ll always be a little bit broke.” I love the metaphor and imagery in the lyric “Hey baby, all I ever did was care / You played a bitter game of musical chairs” and this revelatory moment – “I was a failure ’til I couldn’t fuckin’ bear it no more” – is so heartbreaking and a feeling that I do really relate to. In the bridge, the ways she questions why he did what he did – “Did I rile up all your demons? / Did I give you any reason? / Or did I love you? Did I just love you? / Was it useful? Was it worth it? / Did you think that I deserved it? / ‘Cause I didn’t, I just loved you” – is so relatable, for anyone who’s been treated badly by someone. There’s self-blame – “Did I rile up all your demons? / Did I give you any reason?” – and trying to make sense of why – “Was it useful? Was it worth it? / Did you think that I deserved it?” – but ultimately, she knows that she didn’t do anything wrong: “‘Cause I didn’t, I just loved you.” The choruses are so powerful but it’s the final one that really ripped my heart out: “Truth is, you were the blow behind the bruises / You weren’t love and if I could undo it / I’d never have been yours to ruin / You got off with no court and no blame / Who is out there living with no shame? / Who took my very worst fear and proved it? / Truth is, you did.” There’s the desperation to rewrite the past and the pain of being “yours to ruin,” implying that she feels ruined (which goes back to “I’ll always be a little bit broke”); the fact that he “got off with no court and no blame” and that he’s “living with no shame” conjures a very specific scenario that just makes me want to cry, an image that he isn’t weighed down by this while she is; and the idea that he “proved” her “worst fear” is such a distressing one. It’s such a powerful and moving song and it will always be special because of how raw the emotion is; my experiences don’t line up exactly but there are a lot of parallel emotions, enough that I could certainly sing lines of this song to a certain person who damaged me.

Favourite Lyrics: “And that’s real / But it doesn’t stop the lump in my throat / Time will heal / But I’ll always be a little bit broke” AND “Still you believe there’s no wound and no blood / Who took all of my trust then abused it? / Truth is, you did” AND “Hey baby, all I ever did was care / You played a bitter game of musical chairs / Hey baby, I would fall and you would glare / I was a failure ’til I couldn’t fuckin’ bear it no more” AND “And I’ll never get back months of my life / Time will cure / But you’re never gonna know what that’s like” AND “Did I rile up all your demons? / Did I give you any reason? / Or did I love you? Did I just love you? / Was it useful? Was it worth it? / Did you think that I deserved it? / ‘Cause I didn’t, I just loved you” AND “Truth is, you were the blow behind the bruises / You weren’t love and if I could undo it / I’d never have been yours to ruin / You got off with no court and no blame / Who is out there living with no shame? / Who took my very worst fear and proved it? / Truth is, you did”

I was so excited for the vault tracks of 1989 and they did not disappoint; they’re great songs and I honestly love them all (although I can absolutely see why they weren’t included on the original tracklist). Picking just one for this month, especially since the album only came out on the 27th, was really hard but the atmospheric ‘Say Don’t Go’ (Taylor’s Version) [From The Vault] was a favourite from my first listen. I love the dark, atmospheric sound that’s still very much 1989 and Taylor’s vocals are stunning, as are the backing vocals (which also feel very 1989). The lyrics are gorgeous. I love the opening line: “I’ve known it from the very start / We’re a shot in the darkest dark / Oh no, oh no, I’m unarmed.” It feels like such a perfect opening to the song and I love the imagery throughout the verse lyrics: “Now I’m pacin’ on shaky ground / Strike a match, then you blow it out / Oh no, oh no, it’s not fair” really reflects the uncertainty and anxiety she felt about the relationship and “‘Cause you kiss me and it stops time / And I’m yours, but you’re not mine / Oh no, oh no, you’re not there” is so visceral and heartbreaking. The refrain, “Say, ‘Don’t go’ / I would stay forever if you say, ‘Don’t go,'” is simple but the emotion in her voice is so moving. I love the way the melody rises into the chorus and it’s so catchy: “Why’d you have to lead me on? / Why’d you have to twist the knife? / Walk away and leave me bleedin’, bleedin’? / Why’d you whisper in the dark? / Just to leave me in the night? / Now your silence has me screamin’, screamin’ / (Say) say, ‘(don’t) don’t (go) go’ / I would stay forever if you (say) say, ‘(don’t) don’t (go) go.'” It feels deeply cohesive to the sounds and styles and themes of the original album but more intense maybe, more vulnerable. I wonder if that is why it didn’t make the original tracklist. The bridge is plaintive and heartbroken – “Why’d you have to / Make me want you? / Why’d you have to / Give me nothin’ back? / Why’d you have to / Make me love you? / I said, ‘I love you’ / You say nothin’ back” – and is deeply reminiscent of ‘You’re Losing Me’ (or the other way around, given that the former was written first). It’s so cool to see how many links there are both to repeated themes on throughout the album – to madness, to fire, to darkness – and to specific songs – to driving by, like in ‘I Wish You Would,’ and card games, like in ‘New Romantics’ – something that makes Taylor’s writing so interesting. 1989 is one of the albums where it’s most striking so it’s fascinating to see that she clearly employed it as a technique throughout the songwriting process for the album; otherwise we wouldn’t be seeing it in the songs that didn’t make the original album.

Favourite Lyrics: “I’ve known it from the very start / We’re a shot in the darkest dark / Oh no, oh no, I’m unarmed” AND “I’m standin’ on a tightrope alone / I hold my breath a little bit longer” AND “Now I’m pacin’ on shaky ground / Strike a match, then you blow it out / Oh no, oh no, it’s not fair / ‘Cause you kiss me and it stops time / And I’m yours, but you’re not mine / Oh no, oh no, you’re not there” AND “Why’d you have to / Make me want you? / Why’d you have to / Give me nothin’ back? / Why’d you have to / Make me love you? / I said, ‘I love you’ / You say nothin’ back” AND “I would stay forever if you say, ‘Don’t go’ / But you won’t, but you won’t, but you won’t”

11. The Last One by Maisie Peters

I was lucky enough to see Maisie twice on The Good Witch Tour, first on Halloween in Bristol and then at Wembley Arena (her first arena as a headliner!) at the beginning of November. Both shows were really special and so I had to choose this song for my November slot since she dedicated it to fans every time she performed it live. When she posted the video of the Wembley show, she used this song and the accompanying message read: “wembley was a perfect show and a perfect night, a true celebration of the good witch and the magic that has brought us all together. this song to me has always been about you guys, about how we feel about eachother, about how safe and special and sacred our shows are, so i knew straight away the video had to showcase that. i hope u feel seen and heard and understood, and truly reminded of how much love there is and always will be in this universe we have created together.” It’s a gorgeous song, triumphant and uplifting, and I love it so much. The song sees Maisie describing someone she loves, regardless of their mistakes and failures, and how she’ll always support him. In the first verse, she likens him to Icarus: “You’re bright and it’s blinding / Just a small spark, and you’re flying / With your wax wings in a back room / Got my arms out, tryna catch you.” And while many might consider him “a lost cause in Levi’s,” she’ll “always see great heights” in him. In the chorus, she establishes just how much she’ll support him, that she’ll be the last one beside him if that’s what it comes to: “I’ll be the last one / I’ll be the last one in your corner when the count’s done / I’ll be the last one / Holdin’ my hands up / Stood on the bleachers all alone after the crowd’s gone / I’ll be the last one.” In the post-chorus, the energy and imagery kicks up in intensity with lyrics like “If you’re the Syd Barrett of the band, I’m the girl on the train tracks holdin’ your hand.” I love that lyric in particular. I’ve seen the interpretation that it’s about how, even if he’s lost everything, she’ll still follow him and be there to hold his hand; Syd Barrett being used as a symbol of loss – lost dreams, lost youth, lost idealism – and the train tracks potentially referring to a quote about his reclusiveness (“Syd didn’t so much ‘get off the train’ as fall headlong onto the tracks”). It’s a heartbreaking lyric. She continues with the use of gorgeously vivid imagery in the second verse and bridge, such as “You’re a dreamer in a parka / Send a flare up in the dark / And I’ll come find ya” and “When all the floodlights blow / And the sky is filled with smoke.” The final chorus begins as a breakdown chorus, gentle and tender, before bursting back into life to end the song, with modified lyrics in the post-chorus: “‘Cause, if you’re the Syd Barrett of the band / I’m the girl on the train tracks holdin’ your hand / Halfway to the moon on a plane you couldn’t land / You were seeing castles, they were seeing sand / They’re never gonna get it, no, they’ll never understand / But I believe in you, I’m your number one fan / So, after the crowd’s gone / I’ll be the last one.” I love the childish naïvety in the lyric “You were seeing castles, they were seeing sand,” like he can still appreciate the moments of beautiful simplicity while everyone else doesn’t even notice them. It’s very sweet. The song displays such a tender love for the person it’s about, such belief in them, making it really moving. Musically, I love the anthemic sound – the arrangement and production are gorgeous – and I love the little added effects, like the sound of the flare alongside the “Send a flare up in the dark” lyric. Maisie’s voice sounds incredible and the atmospheric backing vocals are just so perfect. With all of the elements of the song combined, plus Maisie’s continued sincere dedications of the song, just makes me so emotional; I’ve cried while listening to it more than once.

Favourite Lyrics: “You’re bright and it’s blinding / Just a small spark, and you’re flying / With your wax wings in a back room / Got my arms out, tryna catch you” AND “Caught in a streetlight / A lost cause in Levi’s / But I’ll always see great heights in you” AND “I’ll be the last one / I’ll be the last one in your corner when the count’s done / I’ll be the last one / Holdin’ my hands up / Stood on the bleachers all alone after the crowd’s gone / I’ll be the last one” AND “If you’re the Syd Barrett of the band, I’m the girl on the train tracks holdin’ your hand” AND “But I’ll believe in you, still your number one fan, baby / After the crowd’s gone, I’ll be the last one” AND “You’re a dreamer in a parka / Send a flare up in the dark / And I’ll come find ya / Somewhere downtown / With your worst friends on the last round” AND “When all the floodlights blow / And the sky is filled with smoke / You’re still out there on your own / And I’m still the last to go” AND “You were seeing castles, they were seeing sand / They’re never gonna get it, no, they’ll never understand”

12. Is It Over Now? (Taylor’s Version) [From The Vault] by Taylor Swift

This song is another example of how great the 1989 vault tracks are. The vocals, the backing vocals, the imagery, the energy, the production… they’re all gorgeous. As a song, it fits into the story Taylor is telling on 1989 – it’s practically a summation of the whole relationship – but given how desperate Taylor was to protect both Harry Styles and her reputation, it’s not surprising that it didn’t end up on the final tracklist; the album was marketed heavily as her ‘single girl album’ and she worked so hard to avoid the album becoming thought of as another heartbreak album so a song like this, especially with its similarities to ‘Out of the Woods,’ may well have tipped the delicate balance she was clinging to. The lyrics are full of uncertainty and frustration as she tries to make sense of the breakup. She still sees him everywhere – “Let’s fast forward to three hundred takeout coffees later / I see your profile and your smile on unsuspecting waiters” – and clearly thinks that he feels the same, that he can’t get over her either – “You dream of my mouth before it called you a lying traitor” – despite how things ended and that he’s using his new relationships to try and find what they had – “You search in every maiden’s bed for something greater.” And when she repeats this lyric later in the song, the situation has evolved – “You search in every model’s bed for something greater” – and he’s moved from maidens to models, which most likely implies that, with more time and more fame, he dated more and more beautiful women, women as opposed to girls and beautiful because they had to be for their job but that he’s still looking for someone ‘better’ than Taylor and not finding it (an interesting link to these lyrics can be found in ‘Wonderland,’ with the lyric “You searched the world to something else to make you feel like what we had”). The chorus seems to ask when the relationship was truly over, although whether she’s asking about it in the literal or emotional sense, we can’t know: “Baby, was it over / When she laid down on your couch? / Was it over when he unbuttoned my blouse? / ‘Come here,’ I whispered in your ear / In your dream as you passed out, baby / Was it over then? / And is it over now?” Both options are really interesting to think about, both in how to interpret the song and how each potentially changes the story that the album tells. The second verse details moments that we know featured in their relationship: “When you lost control / Red blood, white snow” clearly refers to their snowmobile accident that she wrote about in ‘Out of the Woods’; “Blue dress on a boat” seems likely to reference the day they went out on a boat together, which the paparazzi reported with a photo of her sitting alone on the back of said boat; and “Your new girl is my clone” is likely a comment on the women he later dated who looked very like Taylor, as is “Let’s fast forward to three hundred awkward blind dates later / If she’s got blue eyes, I will surmise that you’ll probably date her,” which is a beautifully scathing lyric. This song plays with structure, bringing in the bridge before the second chorus, and she describes the hurt she feels watching him flaunt his new relationships when she’s been respecting his feelings by keeping hers private: “And did you think I didn’t see you? / There were flashing lights / At least I had the decency / To keep my nights out of sight / Only rumors ’bout my hips and thighs / And my whispered sighs / Oh, Lord, I think about / Jumping off of very tall somethings / Just to see you come running / And say the one thing I’ve been wanting / But no.” The melodic rhythms and internal rhymes are super satisfying and really increase the pace of the section. I struggle with the last part though: “I think about / Jumping off of very tall somethings / Just to see you come running / And say the one thing I’ve been wanting.” I know what she means – she’s using the metaphor to describe how extreme her feelings are, how far she’d go to have him come back – but I can never be okay with such a casual use of suicidal imagery, like “Jumping off of very tall somethings,” especially when it’s used in the context of getting someone’s attention. It’s something like this that means a song can never rise as high on personal ranking as it could have without such a lyric. After that bridge, she jumps in to the second pre-chorus and chorus before returning to the bridge and, from there, a messy and therefore highly representative outro that pulls lyrics from multiple sections of the song. Despite the anxiety and distress in the song, it’s super catchy and fun, and it’s easy to find yourself listening to it on a loop. The writing is so, so good and it’s songs like this one that really show us how she grew as a songwriter from this album to reputation.

Favourite Lyrics: “Was it over then? / And is it over now?” AND “When you lost control / Red blood, white snow / Blue dress on a boat / Your new girl is my clone” AND “And did you think I didn’t see you? / There were flashing lights / At least I had the decency / To keep my nights out of sight / Only rumours ’bout my hips and thighs / And my whispered sighs / Oh, Lord” AND “Let’s fast forward to three hundred awkward blind dates later / If she’s got blue eyes, I will surmise that you’ll probably date her”

One day, I’ll actually keep to the twelve songs a year and we’ll all faint in shock, myself included. But that is not this year. When there’s so much good music in the world, I’m not surprised I can’t keep to it but it is kind of fun and motivating to try, to attempt to determine the songs that have had the biggest impact on me in any given month. As usual, it’s gotten very long so, if you’ve made it this far, thank you very much. I hope you found a song or two that you liked, an artist that you want to hear more of. Again, here’s the playlist if you want to listen to any (or all) of the songs again.

Category: about me, anxiety, autism, depression, emotions, favourites, medication, mental health, music, quotes, special interests, suicide, video, writing Tagged: 1989, 1989 taylor's version, actuallyautistic, antidepressants, autism, autistic, autistic adult, autistic artist, autistic creative, candi carpenter, castles crumbling, crashlanded, depression, favourite songs, from the vault, guts, hayley williams, history of man, ingrid andress, is it over now, kelsea ballerini, let it be love, logical, lost the breakup, lyrics, madeline edwards, maisie peters, making the bed, maren morris, medication, melodies, melody, mental health, mental illness, michael logen, mountain with a view, music, nashville, nervous system, nick wilson, olivia rodrigo, phenelzine, production, rolling up the welcome mat, sara bareilles, say don't go, she used to be mine, song analysis, songs, songs of 2023, songwriting, speak now taylor's version, special interest, special interests, subject to change, taylor swift, the good witch, the good witch deluxe, the last one, the six one five collective, the tree, there it goes, tin pan south, tin pan south 2023, truth is, you're losing me

About Me

Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), ADHD (Inattentive Type), and Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), as well as several mental health issues.

I’m a singer-songwriter (it’s my biggest special interest and I have both a BA and MA in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.

My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is on all platforms, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.

My debut EP, Honest, is available on all platforms, with a limited physical run at Resident Music in Brighton.

I’m currently working on an album about my experiences as an autistic woman.

About Me

I’m a singer-songwriter (it’s my biggest special interest and I have both a BA and MA in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.

My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is on all platforms, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.

My debut EP, Honest, is available on all platforms, with a limited physical run at Resident Music in Brighton.

I’m currently working on an album about my experiences as an autistic woman.

Finding Hope

Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1 – Out Now!

“This EP isn’t just music; it’s connection, validation, and advocacy wrapped in melody.” (x)

Autism Dogs – It’s A Match!

2023 in Songs

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