Finding Hope19 For 2019
Posted on January 5, 2019
It’s that time of year again and I’ve been thinking a lot about resolutions. I know a lot of people think it’s silly, that it’s just another day in a long line of days, but I love the feeling you get on New Year’s Eve, like you’re on the brink of great change. After the year I had, I was ready to move on and ready to do more. I’m excited about things for the first time in months.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93iX3vKGFKs
I was really inspired by this video so I thought I’d have a go at coming up with my own nineteen things to achieve in 2019. I’m a bit overwhelmed but I’m also excited to do all of these things so I’m hopeful for the coming year:
- Stop pulling my hair out – whether my hair pulling is Trichotillomania or stimming (I don’t know where it comes from), I need to stop pulling out my hair. I hate it but stopping is incredibly difficult. I managed to stop once before, for a year, but the compulsion didn’t fade at all. I’m anxious about that but I really, really, really want to stop. While I was dealing with suffocating depression, stopping was too much to contemplate – I didn’t have it in me for both battles at once. But now that I’m feeling a bit lighter, I want to go for it.
2. Read ten books – I had a goal to read five books last year and read ten so I feel pretty good about this goal. It feels manageable.
3. Get a tattoo – There’s a tattoo that I’ve wanted for a year at least so I think it’s time to bite the bullet.
4. Continue swimming (let it evolve if it wants to) – I’m so proud of myself for continuing with the swimming for six months and I really want to keep it up. But I’m also open to it changing if that’s what feels right.
5. Write more songs – I’m so excited to have my creative brain back. I can’t wait to dive back into songwriting.
6. Get my photo albums up to date – I’m way behind with my photo albums. My depression made looking at my own face a really upsetting experience so I just had to let it slide. But it’s something I love doing and something I love looking through so I’d like to get up to date.
7. Pursue the cause of my tiredness – My struggle with fatigue is ongoing and I need to know why, where it’s coming from. Something has to be causing it and I want to know what that is and what I can do about it.
8. Improve my instrument skills – My piano and guitar skills have suffered during my depression and I wasn’t an expert to start with. So I want to work on them seriously.
9. Watch a meteor shower – I love watching meteor showers so I want to get them in my diary and make the time to go and watch one. Hopefully more than one.
10. Write more poetry – I barely wrote any poetry last year and that makes me sad because it’s something that I really love. So I want to make more time for that this year.
11. Finish decorating and organising my room – We’ve been moved in for about eight months and while we have the day to day stuff sorted, there’s still stuff like hanging pictures on the walls and finding places for all the small things (like extra hard drives and sorting out my make up) that still needs doing. So I’d like to work on that.
12. Find an alcoholic drink I like – I still haven’t found an alcoholic drink I like. I know that I don’t need to drink alcohol but so many people have said that it’s something you get used to, rather than liking it straight away so I’m trying to give it a fair shot. Pun intended.
13. Find a tea or coffee I like – As above, I still haven’t found a tea or coffee that I enjoy drinking. I’m still looking though.
14. Get invisible braces – This has been in the works for a while now but I’m really looking forward to getting on with it and to getting straighter teeth.
15. Go rock climbing – I loved rock climbing as a kid so I would love to do it again.
16. Participate in FAWM – FAWM stands for February Album Writing Month and it’s a challenge to write fourteen songs – an album’s worth of songs – in the month of February. I managed it once before and I loved the constant drive to create so I’d love to try to again. It’s a bit of a baptism by fire after not writing very much but what the hell. I’m already looking forward to it.
17. Participate in NaPoWriMo – April is National Poetry Writing Month and there’s a new poetry writing challenge every day. And as it’s already a resolution to write more poetry, this seems like a good opportunity. If everything goes as planned, I’ll be in Nashville for part of April so that might get complicated but hopefully I can participate for most of the month.
18. Donate blood again – Giving blood was a really special experience and it means a lot to me to be able to do it so I’m looking forward to doing it again.
19. Join the bone marrow register – I want to be able to help as many people as possible in my life so this is something that’s been on my to do list for a while.
So there it is. Bring on 2019.
The Old New Year’s Resolutions
Posted on January 1, 2019
HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I hope you have all had a lovely, relaxing holiday period and that you feel hopeful about the year ahead. I’m feeling lighter than I have in a long time and for the first time in months, I’m actually excited about what’s coming next.
But, before we move on to the new year and all the new plans, I want to pause for a moment. This time last year, I set several resolutions – more like goals – for 2018. Now, 365 days later, I want to look back at them and look at how I did, whether I achieved them or not…
WRITE MORE SONGS – Technically, yes. I did write more songs. Not as many as I would’ve liked but more songs nonetheless. As I mentioned in my review of 2018, my depression seemed to completely suppress my creative brain so writing anything was a really struggle. But I’m cautiously optimistic about my songwriting in the near future.
RELEASE MUSIC – Yes, as I said in my halfway-through-the-year post, I have music out in the world (you can listen to my first single, ‘Invisible,’ here). It was a long, hard journey to that first milestone but we made it and I’m excited about what’s coming next.
FIND THE RIGHT MEDICATION – I found many wrong ones but, fingers crossed, I’m onto a good one. Right now, we just have to wait and see (my least favourite sentence in the world).
WORK ON BEING HEALTHIER – I feel really good about this one. Since August, I’ve been going to the gym and swimming for at least half an hour most days of the week and I’ve kept it up for six months. I’m so proud of myself and I love it so much. It helps me make sense of the world and it makes me feel really good. Food is still a daily struggle but I’m not restricting and I’m also not eating everything in sight. So that’s something.
BECOME MORE INDEPENDENT – I feel like I’m going backwards with this one. My depression has been all consuming and just as it started to let up, anxiety rushed in to fill the void. So I’m struggling here. I don’t know what else to say about this one.
READ MORE BOOKS – Yes! I definitely did that! My small, achievable goal was five books and I managed to read ten! So I’m very proud of my efforts in this department. Hopefully I can keep this up going forward.
IMPROVE MY MUSICAL SKILLS – This is another casualty of my depression. My lack of concentration and motivation has just made it impossible to do any consistent practice. Even when I tried my hardest, I couldn’t do it and then I’m really good at beating myself up over it. That’s another thing I need to work on. But as I’ve already said, I’m cautiously optimistic about things moving forward.
GO THROUGH MY POSSESSIONS – Well, I did that. We moved house and so I went through everything as I packed it. That was very overwhelming so I’m sure I missed stuff. I’m still creating a new order and finding things that I can throw out or give away but I made a huge dent in this resolution and I’m pleased with my effort.
So I guess it is now time to make some new resolutions. Watch this space…
Finding Hope 