Finding Hope#WelfareNotWarfare
Posted on June 30, 2025
During the last several elections, I’ve felt frustration that I couldn’t vote Labour and help to oust the Conservatives who’d been in power since before I could vote. Don’t get me wrong, I am proud to vote for The Green Party but there was a level of frustration in that I had to vote Green in order to avoid splitting the vote between Green and Labour and letting the Conservatives get in. Voting Green keeps The Green Party in, which I do absolutely want, but it was hard knowing that it never swayed the overall outcome and that was quite distressing. Having said that, in this recent election, never have I been so glad to have voted Green and not Labour…
Today is the final day of the government’s Pathways To Work consultation – nicknamed “consult-a-sham” – on the disability cuts bill and as much work has been done and pressure applied by disabled people’s grassroots groups and charities, as much as people have protested (in the streets and online), and as many emails have been sent to MPs, I’m still so scared that this bill will go through because I don’t think the government is listening; I don’t think many MPs care (again, I’m so fucking grateful that my MP is Sian Berry who does very much care). They don’t seem to care about any of the evidence and no argument will convince them that this bill will not get disabled people working and that it will, in fact, be completely devastating: disabled people will be pushed into poverty, their health will deteriorate, lives will be lost (and taken out of desperation). And yet so many among the government are focussed on the non-existant savings instead. You know how they could save money? By taxing the rich. And you know what? There are millionaires and billionaires ASKING the government to tax them over disabled people.
I am utterly terrified of what the upcoming cuts will mean, for the disabled community, for my disabled friends, and for myself. Many of us rely on these benefits to manage our conditions on a daily basis, whether working or not, because being disabled is inherently expensive. We will be losing thousands of pounds a year that we depend on for survival, forget living or thriving. Taking these funds away will be devastating and, as I said, will cost people their lives.
I struggle daily with multiple physical disabilities, multiple chronic illnesses, multiple neurodivergent conditions, and multiple mental health problems. I have spent the last three plus years struggling to survive, struggling to stay alive because I was and often am so depressed. I struggle everyday with the trauma of living like this, of living like this in a society that sees me as a burden. My needs are complex but there are individuals with far more complex needs than mine. Without adequate support, even day to day living can be impossible. I’ve never been able to work, having first gotten sick at twelve years old, but that does not mean that I haven’t relentlessly tried my best to become stronger, physically and mentally, to contribute wherever I can. Without PIP, none of my achievements would’ve been possible. Without PIP, that is all over. The support I’ve had to find and fund myself – through PIP – after being repeatedly let down by the NHS will be gone and, without it, I don’t know what will happen. I truly don’t know how I will survive.
These cuts are not in line with the core values of The Labour Party, the party this country voted in, the party that established the welfare state. If they really stood by these values, they would be trying to improve the lives of disabled people rather than following in the footsteps of the Conservatives, cutting benefits and support, and then taking it further than even the Conservatives were willing to go: they felt that £3 billion in cuts would make them look bad. Apparently Labour weren’t worried about this, almost doubling that figure. Those in support of this bill should be ashamed of themselves. They wouldn’t last a week on PIP. How dare they rip away our lifeline and then have the audacity to claim that they’re helping us. The cuts that Starmer is pushing for, while deliberately ignoring the obvious benefits of a wealth tax, has been declared a violation of our human rights by the UN. A. violation. of. human. rights. Let that sink in.
I don’t know how it can be legal to use to a manifesto supporting the disabled community, if only vaguely – their own concrete commitment was to “consult and coproduce disability policy with disabled people’s organisations” – to get voted in, only to do the complete opposite and put thousands and thousands of lives in jeopardy. How is this democracy? How can democracy ever be upheld when political parties can say whatever they want to get elected, only to do whatever they want, regardless of the promises they’ve made. Where are the consequences when they are the ones in power?
Labour have added concessions to the bill but I doubt they’ve been received as the government would’ve hoped; they most likely hoped that it would appease those protesting but many see it as a win, as a sign that putting pressure on the government is working and that we must continue to do so. There was an incredible protest in London today, for example, and although I was advised not to go on medical grounds, I did attend online and it was very inspiring. This community is amazing and I’m so proud to be a part of it, even if it is a community that none of chose to join.
The only way that I think the DWP can ever be truly effective is if it is run by disabled people, by those who truly understand what it is like – what support a person might need and how expensive it is – to be disabled. Labour’s promise of coproduction has been completely forgotten about but the system was far from perfect – a true understatement – before they came to power. Steve Topple wrote an excellent article about all of this for The Canary: it’s well worth a read. As he says, “If this bill passes, it will be in defiance of disabled people, not in partnership with them. That is the DWP’s legacy.”
I don’t know what’s going to happen, how the vote will go. I want to believe that there has been enough protest, enough letters, enough tragedy already to prove that it is a catastrophic, callous move but I still can’t help but fear that it will pass because not enough MPs care about disabled people. I am so grateful for the ones that have spoken up – like my MP, Sian Berry – but I worry that it won’t be enough, especially considering how many Labour MPs who once upon a time stood for improving the quality of living for disabled people have since changed their views, no doubt pandering to the right wing; seeing videos and quotes of their previous comments compared to their current ones makes me feel physically nauseous.
But with only hours left, I have to have hope because there’s nothing else to be done. On a personal level, I’ve gone to every protest I can manage, written letter after letter after letter, and signed every petition I could find. I’ve spent more time on social media than was probably good for my mental health. I hope that it’s been enough but either way, it was worth it. If I did everything I could do, then it wasn’t time wasted, regardless of the outcome. I just hope the outcome is the one that we want it to be.
Autism Dogs – The First Playdate
Posted on April 16, 2025
My first playdate with Daisy – in early July 2024 – came at the end of a very long, busy week and I was absolutely shattered but I wasn’t missing the opportunity to see Daisy again. The playdates are blocks of time where you get to spend time with your dog and start building the relationship that will help them to be the best assistance dog they can be for you. You also learn all of the commands that the dog has already been taught and start practicing them so that you can get comfortable using them and the dog can get used to responding to you. I was both excited and nervous, having officially matched with Daisy.
For this trip, it was Mum and I took Izzy so that Izzy could meet Daisy for the first time. On the previous trip, it had just been my Mum and I: we had been meeting Daisy for the time time, to get to know her a bit and to decide whether or not she would be a good fit for me and for us as a family (spoiler alert: she is!) plus Daisy had had a cough and we’d all agreed that we’d wait until the first official playdate for the two of them to meet.
We started the playdate in the paddock, just me and Mum and Izzy, and then one of the trainers brought Daisy out to meet us. She was so adorable and so excited, practically jumping up and down like she was on a trampoline. The moment the two dogs first saw each other was… A Lot. Izzy was barking. Daisy was barking. I was so glad I had my Loops in because they were very loud. I think Izzy didn’t like another dog encroaching on her person (me) and I think Daisy was just barking because she didn’t understand why Izzy was barking at her when she wasn’t doing anything wrong as far as she could tell. The trainer advised us to let them sort it out between themselves – let them set their boundaries and let them test those boundaries – and let them just get to know each other, something that was easier for them to do in an outside space since it gives them plenty of room to get closer and back off and so on. Based on that first meeting, it’s definitely going to take a while for the two of them to get used to each other.
After some solid time in the paddock, we went inside and I got to have a good cuddle with Daisy, which was lovely. Izzy clearly found that quite hard. While I was reconnecting with Daisy, she did at least have my Mum as a safe space but we also let the two dogs roam around the room and try to figure out how to exist together in a smaller space and figure out how to share me, essentially. That’s certainly going to take some time but we were reassured that it often takes an existing dog and a new assistance dog a while to build a relationship of their own; we just need to give them time and reward them for every positive interaction.
The next part was watching as one of the trainers ran through all of the commands that Daisy has learned so far. It was very cute: she was so eager to please (and to get a treat) that she was very enthusiastic in her responses, sometimes even anticipating them. Then it was my turn to try them all. I have to admit that I found it really hard: there were commands that I’d never used before, different ways to respond depending on how Daisy completed a task, and remembering which hands to use for different commands, etc. And, of course, Daisy knows them all so well that she’d often preempt me, which was very cute but didn’t exactly help me practice the commands. So it was hard, confusing and more than a bit stressful – it was a lot of information at once – but Daisy was so good and so eager to please and there was still plenty of time to go over it all so I wasn’t too worried.
After that, we went outside onto the lane and I was shown how to walk Daisy on a lead as a service dog, compared to how you would walk a pet dog (although she will get that too since there will be many situations, such as daily walking and exercising, where she will walk on a lead like a normal dog). It was a struggle! There are so many components going on at the same time, so many things that you need to remember: I have to check that she’s consistently looking at me and checking in; I have to remember what each of my hands are supposed to be doing; I have to remember when to reward her (while still walking, which I struggled with A LOT). I also have to make sure not to trip over something, or fall over my own feet, or walk into a hedge. Plus Daisy is a dog and she does get distracted so I do have to keep her on task, even if – for the most part – she was incredibly well behaved. Trying to hold onto all of those things at the same time was a real struggle and definitely the most stressful part so far; it is going to take A LOT of practice.
We also spent some more time in the paddock and practiced recall. Since her name had been changed from River to Daisy, the trainers had been spending a lot of time teaching her her new name. Apparently she’d picked up really quickly, which was good to know; the trainer we were working with that day said that they’d all had more trouble with it then Daisy herself had! We also gave Izzy and Daisy another chance to hang out in a big, open space and that didn’t go too badly. There was definitely less barking and they did manage to get closer to each other without Izzy in particular getting freaked out; they were also a little better about the other getting close to me. It was really interesting to watch them try and figure each other out and although it will definitely take a while for them to build a relationship, it felt like they made progress even in that one day. They even had a very brief nose-to-nose before Izzy decided that that was a bit too much too fast and it only resulted in a couple of barks. Izzy will be coming to future playdates so they’ll have more opportunities to get used to each other.
And that was the end of our play date! I think it went as well as it could have. I was quite overwhelmed by how much there is to know and how much there is to remember all at once, but there’s time to get used to that. There’s time to learn. So I’m not worried, just a bit overwhelmed. Me, Mum, and Izzy caught the train home, all three of us exhausted. We stopped in London to have dinner with one of my parents before getting in the car and driving home. I don’t think I’ve ever been so relieved to get home and lie down in my bed; I was absolutely beyond it, physically and mentally.
I basically spent the next few days sleeping; I was beyond exhausted, both from the playdate and the week leading up to it – I’d been part of a team putting on a symposium that I’d then presented at and then I’d worked on the team for a conference the next day, both at my old university. I’d held it together for the playdate but after that, I just crashed. I assumed that the exhaustion and general feeling of unwellness were due to completely overdoing it during that week but then, just to be safe before going out, I took a COVID test and tested positive. I was pretty confident where I would’ve caught it and apart from the playdate, I hadn’t been anywhere or seen anyone (other than my Mum who somehow managed not to catch it from me) so we got in contact with Autism Dogs and let them know; as far as I know, no one there had tested positive, which was a real relief. So hopefully it was only me that suffered and fortunately, my experience of it wasn’t that bad. I was honestly more annoyed that I’d broken my streak of NOT catching COVID, almost five years after news of COVID started spreading. So, for that, I’m very grateful.
Up next is the second playdate!
In The Mourning – Out Now!
Posted on March 1, 2025
I know I’m pretty late in my announcement – things have been beyond hectic since the song was released and my insomnia has been brutal – but, as of Wednesday 19th February, my new single, ‘In The Mourning,’ is out in the world! If you follow me on social media, you will, of course, already know this but I know that there are those of you who don’t and I wanted to make sure you knew as well. This song means so much to me and I’m so excited (and a little bit nervous) to have released it…
If you read my post about ‘Write This Out,’ you’ll know that these two songs are part of a bigger project, the details of which are still to be revealed. I’ve only been mentioning it because I want you all to know that these songs are connected, that they’re not one-off singles. ‘Write This Out’ set the foundation, establishing the need to get the story out of me, but this song – ‘In The Mourning‘ – is the beginning of that story: when I was diagnosed as autistic.
When I sat down to write this song, it tumbled out, like it had just been waiting to be written – it was, after all, more than five years since I’d been diagnosed. I’m not sure why I’d never written about it before: maybe I’d thought that I didn’t have anything to say about the actual diagnosis, only about my experiences of being autistic. But it seems that there were a lot of emotions and moments from when I was processing the diagnosis that have stuck with me, that I’d apparently needed to express. It was definitely cathartic to write and one of the things that makes it so special to me is how, when I listen to it, it really feels like how I felt during that time; yes, the lyrics describe that but the song also manages to convey the emotions I was feeling within me and around me.
Again, this isn’t an easy song to listen to – I was trying to process a lot of grief and confusion and uncertainty – but it isn’t without hope. I had been feeling so lost and so broken and suddenly I had answers and information and the beginnings of a new way forward. I’d never felt in sync with the world around me and suddenly I knew why. That didn’t change exactly but knowing why made such a difference and it helped me to see the world differently, to see the places I could fit rather than seeing all of the places I couldn’t.
Photographer: Thomas Oscar Miles // Cover Design: Richard Sanderson
If you’ve been diagnosed as autistic – or anything that turned your life upside down – did it take you a long time to process it? Did you go through a mourning period of sorts? Maybe you relate to this song, maybe you don’t. But if you do, I hope you know that whatever you feel – or felt – is valid; I hope you’re talking to people who love and support you and I hope you’re moving through it as smoothly as possible. No state lasts forever. Change is, after all, the only constant in the universe.
I’m so grateful to be able to put this little piece of my heart out into the world and I’m so grateful to everyone who’s already listened to it, who’s left a comment, who’s reached out to me about it… If you haven’t listened to it yet, you can find it here. I’ve never been one to say ‘I hope you love it!’ because I think many songs inspire more complex emotions than love. So, instead, I tend to say, ‘I hope it makes you feel something.’ I’m going to sign off here: I hope you’ll take a few minutes to listen to the song and I hope it makes you feel something. And if you’d like to share that with me, on here or on social media, please do. Nothing means more to me.
Finding Hope 