Posted on December 31, 2019
I don’t even know how to sum up this year.
If I’m honest, most of it’s blurry. The first half of it anyway. I was still trying medication after medication so I was kind of living in a haze. It’s scary to look back at a time not that long ago, search for memories and not be able to find them, find the details. Or worse, not even know what memories to look for. I hate it and it’s scary and I try not to think about it. Thank god for photos though. Looking back through my photos helped me to remember and I’m grateful for that.
I got to go to the opening night of Waitress The Musical and to my complete surprise, Sara Bareilles was there, both to introduce the show and to bid us all goodnight. The show was amazing: I loved the music, I loved the characters, I loved the story, and the meaning in the story. And seeing Sara Bareilles in person for the first time since 2014 was extra special.
I also got up stupid early to see her do a surprise set in St Pancras station. Apart from the fact that she has an incredible singing voice and is a great performer, even just sitting at a piano, there’s something magical about seeing a person you admire so much in real life. And my Mum was a trooper, running after her team (my medication meant I could barely stand up for the whole performance) and making sure she got my letter. So that was a good morning, even if I felt very unwell for the rest of the day (I’d overstretched, given the meds I was taking).
We had a nerve-wracking few weeks where our dog, Lucky, was incredibly unwell. I saw it happen: his head just tilted to the side and he stood there, looking so… wrong. I was convinced he was having a stroke. Plus his eyes were moving back and forth really quickly; I couldn’t imagine how he could even see. Despite a trip to the emergency vet then and there, we didn’t find out until the next day that he had Geriatric Vestibular Disease, which is basically vertigo. He was really, really sick. He wouldn’t eat and that’s really the sign that a labrador is sick. Mum was feeding him pieces of boiled chicken by hand just to keep him going. They gave him a morphine patch but that just made him sicker so they eventually removed it. It took a long time but eventually he was back to his old self. It’s not the same: he has a permanent head tilt, his balance is terrible, he can have trouble walking. But he seems to be happy and he’s certainly loved. So we’re getting through. Day by day, we’re getting through.
I was fortunate enough to go to Nashville again, which was amazing, even though I was really, really struggling on my medication. I was depressed, overwhelmingly anxious, and my hands felt thick and clumsy, making playing guitar a real ordeal. As wonderful as it was to be in Nashville, I felt very guilty for not being as happy as I felt I should be.
Having said that, I had some really great experiences while I was there. I got to go back to my favourite places, see two Song Suffragettes shows (which are always such special experiences for me), and hang out with my friends who I only get to see once a year. I didn’t get to see everyone but I had a lovely time with the people I saw. I even got to see the awesome Caylan Hays play a show and hear all of her new songs. That was really, really special.
Tin Pan South was amazing as usual, although I had to make some tough decisions over which shows to go to. They were all amazing though. My favourite was Nick Wayne, Hannah Ellis, Josh Kerr, and Natalie Hemby. Natalie is another person I hugely admire and she actually knows who I am now, which I’m honoured by. We got to have a proper conversation, which was one of my favourite moments of the trip. And I’d love to write with her one day: that’s a bucket list write.
I also got to see Kelly Clarkson (who I’ve always, ALWAYS wanted to see live) in concert and Kelsea Ballerini was the opener, which was awesome because I love her. It was an amazing concert and I loved every second of it.
It was an amazing trip but I hope that next year I’ll be in a better place, a place where I can enjoy it properly and effortlessly. I think that’s gonna be one of my goals for 2020.
Here at home I also got to see some amazing concerts. My favourites were Maren Morris (I saw her twice but the second time was front row at the Royal Albert Hall, which was the most surreal, amazing experience) and Ingrid Andress, who had the whole crowd singing despite only having released a few singles. It was amazing. And she remembered me and we talked about writing together when I’m next in Nashville, although I’m now not sure it’s going to happen. But it was amazing to know that she was up for it. Hopefully one day.
I also saw Halsey in a super small venue and she was fantastic. We had trouble with the accessibility, which caused me a lot of anxiety, but the show was incredible. She’s an amazing, amazing performer. I love her. But I feel very out of place at her concerts, which is hard.
I, with Richard Sanderson (Richard Marc on social media), spent most of the year working on my first EP. It was such a learning curve but I loved it, for the most part. It took an exceptional amount of work and I have to give so much credit to Richard and to Josh Fielden who mixed the songs because part way through, I tumbled into a really deep depression, accompanied with the worst anxiety I think I’ve ever experienced. It took a long time for me to get back to a place where I could work on it. It’s part of my musical story so I’m really glad it’s coming out, even if I still have a lot of anxiety about it. If you’ve been following this blog, you’ll know the story of the first single and you’ll know more about the rest of the songs soon.
I spent several months in a deep, deep depression, the worst I’ve ever experienced. I basically lay on the sofa and thought about dying. It was awful. I don’t really know what else to say about it. It was just still, but with a mess of agonising turmoil underneath.
Then, in the middle of the summer, one of my cats had kittens, despite the vet telling us in her vet check the week before that she absolutely wasn’t pregnant. We came home from dinner and Mouse was waiting for us. She took me upstairs to my room, curled up in one of the cat beds, and over the next few hours, she had a couple of tiny, adorable kittens. She got distressed every time I tried to leave so I stayed through the whole thing (and saw some pretty disgusting stuff that I never needed to see).
Having the kittens in my life has done wonders for my anxiety. Watching them grow and play and explore was so calming and mindful for me. And now that they’re older, all five cats play as a family. They’re a pride. It’s gorgeous. I don’t know what the future holds but having them in my life has been one of the most, if not the most, positive thing this year. I’m really, really grateful for them. Having said that, everyone’s spayed now so there won’t be any more surprises, which is probably – definitely – a good thing, as adorable as kittens are. The stress is just too much.
Somewhere in the middle of the holidays of kittens, I started taking Phenelzine again, which was a really difficult decision. I’m still struggling with the side effects but I am better than I was. I still have moments of depression but it’s not constant and I’m managing the anxiety with other medications. And best of all, I can write songs again. That is the best possible outcome.
September loomed and I spent time with the Disability Coordinator at my uni, something they had never had before. I actually felt hopeful about having someone who understood me. And then, she became extremely unreliable and that resulted in one of the worst meltdowns I’ve ever had – in the middle of Victoria Station. That triggered a period of multiple meltdowns a day, which turned the weeks into a blur. It was awful. I started my Masters Degree in Songwriting in one of the worst states I’ve ever been in.
Despite being part time, the Masters took up every day of the week, working on songs and trying to research while battling my OCD, which had suddenly spiked. I had no time off, no time to breathe. I felt like I was failing at everything. I think I’ve gotten better at managing it (and it’s going to be a focus in therapy when we start again in the new year) and I managed some research and I wrote some songs I’m really proud of. I enjoyed the course and classes but balancing everything with Autism and mental health problems was a nightmare. I’m going to write a post about the course in more detail but it still needed to be included in this post.
Oh, and somewhere in there, I turned twenty five. My Mum bought me twenty five yellow roses.
The first single of the EP came out a few weeks into the course and it was a complete surreal – if incredibly stressful – experience. I had no idea what to expect, especially since I’m an independent artist, but for what was really a first, first single (considering ‘Invisible’ had no marketing and so on), I think it did pretty well. It got added to several playlists on Spotify and had radio play, local and BBC Introducing. That’s been amazing and I’m excited to see where the next one goes.
And now I’m finishing the year with basically no Christmas break because I’m working on the assessments for my course everyday. They’re causing me so much stress I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m also terrified of the fireworks tonight (another story I’ve talked about before) and don’t know what I’m going to do to avoid them because I have work to do and they cause awful meltdowns. So, all in all, not the best way to end the year. I’m cautiously optimistic about 2020.
“2019 has been an incredibly difficult year. I feel broken. I feel like I was shattered into a thousand pieces and then put back together wrong. And if I’m honest I don’t know what to do about it. But there were good moments too and I’m so grateful for those. 2020, please be kind.” (x)
Category: about me, animals, anxiety, depression, diagnosis, emotions, holidays, medication, meltdowns, mental health, ocd, suicide, therapy, treatment, university Tagged: 2019, 2019 in review, 2020, antidepressants, anxiety, bad night, birthday, cat, caylan hays, concert, debut ep, depression, dog, halsey, ingrid andress, kelly clarkson, kelsea ballerini, kitten, kittens, maren morris, masters, masters degree, masters degree in songwriting, medication, meltdown, meltdowns, mental illness, nashville, natalie hemby, obsessive compulsive disorder, ocd, phenelzine, reflection, richard marc, richard sanderson, sara bareilles, song suffragettes, songwriting, suicidal, tin pan south, university, waitress the musical
Posted on April 13, 2019
This trip to Nashville wasn’t exactly what I’d expected. I’d had this vision of going out there and writing a load of songs and going to show after show after show and seeing all the friends I’ve made out there. I managed to do some of those things – and I’m really proud of what I achieved – but my mental health really dominated the trip, much more than I’d hoped it would.
We got off to a pretty rocky start when I forgot to take my medication the night before we flew out. We had to leave at two o’clock in the morning so I never really went to bed and therefore my nightly routine was disrupted. Plus I was excited and nervous and just generally all over the place. We got to the airport and I couldn’t even walk the distance to security, I was so completely out of energy. I thought it was the lack of sleep and stress of travelling but I physically couldn’t do it. We ended up asking the airport staff for assistance and they were absolutely amazing, at every airport we travelled through over the trip: they got me a wheelchair and took me wherever I needed to be, getting me early access to the planes, and so on. It was so helpful and honestly made the whole thing possible. I don’t know what I would’ve done without their help. It took a few days to recover and it was only then that we realised what had caused it.
The reason we go at this time of year is because the Nashville Songwriters Association International hold the Tin Pan South songwriters festival, where hundreds of songwriters perform songs that they’ve written. They have a great mix of famous and up and coming so you get a lot of different, beautifully written songs. All of the shows that I went to were good and some of them were fantastic. My favourites include Lori McKenna, Alyssa Micaela, Emily Shackelton, Hannah Ellis, Natalie Hemby, and Travis Meadows. They were truly incredible.
There were a couple of other musical highlights too. By some wonderful coincidence, Kelly Clarkson was playing the Bridgestone Arena while we were in Nashville. I’ve always wanted to see her and I’ve always wanted to go to a show at Bridgestone. And to make it even sweeter, Kelsea Ballerini – who I LOVE – was opening. So it was perfect. The show was amazing and I had a blast. Totally a bucket list moment.
The other musical highlight was getting to see my friend, Caylan Hays, perform. We’ve written together several times and on my last trip, she came to see me play a gig and by another beautiful coincidence, she was playing on the last night of our stay. She was fantastic. She’s such a talented writer and I love her voice. Throw in some gorgeous electric guitar and I was in love. You can check out her music here.
And of course, I got to go to two Song Suffragettes rounds. I love this organisation with my whole heart and so it meant so much to me to see both shows while I was there. They – the people who run it and the girls who play – are so inspiring and I hope I can play with them again someday.
I had several writing sessions while we were there and for the most part, they were a struggle. I love the people I was writing with dearly but my brain still isn’t right: a casualty of my depression and the medications I’m taking. We’re still trying to find the balance where I’m emotionally stable and not creativity stifled. Still, I’m trying and I so appreciate these writers for having patience with me while I work through this. I also got to spend some time with friends, old and new, and they really inspired me in this dark patch of my life.
But throughout the trip, I really, really struggled. My anxiety was so high that I actually had trouble breathing and my depression was so overwhelming that I found myself falling apart (even in public places, which I’m usually able to avoid doing) multiple times. There were lots of tears and lots of Diazepam; it was very hard. I struggled desperately with wanting to go home and I was battling suicidal thoughts (helpfully described by Claudia Boleyn as, “my brain trying to kill me”) for most of the trip. In truth, it was a bit of a nightmare but there were some really great moments that helped me manage it and of course, I had my wonderful people (my Mum and my writing partner, Richard Sanderson) there to support me. The trip wouldn’t have been possible without them.
Also, shout out to Pancake Pantry for teaching me what it’s like to get excited about food.
Category: anxiety, depression, event, holidays, medication, mental health, music, suicide, video Tagged: anxiety, creative block, creativity, depressed, depression, diazepam, kelly clarkson, kelsea ballerini, medication, mental health, mental illness, nashville, nashville tennessee, nsai, song suffragettes, songwriter, songwriters, songwriting, songwriting festival, suicidal thoughts, tin pan south, tin pan south 2019
Posted on April 6, 2019
Hello friends! I’m back from Nashville! I’m jet lagged as hell right now so a full blog post is a bit much for me but I did one of these last year and really enjoyed it so I thought I’d do it again. So here are thirteen (well, actually fourteen) songs for the thirteen days I was in Nashville…
FRIDAY – ‘Great Ones’ by Maren Morris (written by Maren Morris, Ryan Hurd, and Mikey Reaves)
Maren Morris is one of my all time favourite artists and songwriters and I spent the journey listening to her new album, ‘Girl’. It usually takes me a while to get into new albums but this song immediately jumped out at me as a favourite. I love the detail in the lyrics and the congruence of the mythical, atmospheric production. It just gives me this sense that love like that is really possible when I often doubt that.
You’re the perfect storm
So let it pour down on me
If they tell the story in a hundred years
No one would believe that you and me were really here
Just a memory of what the real thing can be
SATURDAY – ‘This Town Still Talks About You’ by Natalie Hemby (written by Natalie Hemby)
I first listened to the ‘Puxico’ record on my way into Nashville and so every song reminds me of Nashville and vice versa. This song is one of my favourites (so much so that I’ve written about it multiple times). Wandering around Nashville and reacquainting myself with the city really brought it back.
Oh this town still talks about you
Like you never left
Hidden sounds in cracked sidewalks and church pews
How could we forget?
SUNDAY – ‘Loving You, Using You’ by Caylan Hays
I got to see a lot of my friend Caylan while I was in Nashville, which was absolutely wonderful. I love her a lot and her songwriting is just beautiful so of course I had to include her on this list.
Maybe I’m loving you because I’m lonely
Maybe I’m holding you because you know me
Maybe I’m loving you
Oh, because you’re lonely too
Maybe I’m here because I’m grieving
Maybe I’m terrified of leaving
Maybe I’m loving you
Maybe I’m using you
I wish I knew the truth
MONDAY – ‘Alice in Wonderland’ by Kalie Shorr
I love Kalie’s music so it was a real treat to go to Song Suffragettes and hear three new songs. The level of care and detail in her songs just takes my breath away. She’s recording her first album at the moment and I’m honestly so excited for it. She’s one special songwriter.
Before you know it every bottle says drink me
Before you know it, yeah, you’re gonna start shrinking
He’ll make you feel small, and there’s so far to fall
When you’re loving a madman
So hey Alice, how is Wonderland?
TUESDAY – ‘Humble and Kind’ by Lori McKenna (written by Lori McKenna)
On the Tuesday night, I had the pleasure of seeing Lori McKenna perform again, which is a bit of a spiritual experience, especially when it comes to this song. The lyrics, the melody, and her voice just come together in this perfect way and it’s absolutely stunning.
Hold the door, say “please”, say “thank you”
Don’t steal, don’t cheat, and don’t lie
I know you got mountains to climb
But always stay humble and kind
WEDNESDAY – ‘Rainbow’ by Kacey Musgraves (written by Kacey Musgraves, Natalie Hemby, and Shane McAnally)
This is one of my favourite Kacey Musgraves songs and it has been for years. At the late show on the Wednesday night, Natalie Hemby talked about it and then sang it and it was absolutely gorgeous. Easily one of my favourite moments of the whole festival.
Well the sky has finally opened
The rain and wind stopped blowin’
But you’re stuck out in the same ol’ storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella
Well, darlin’, I’m just tryin’ to tell ya
That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head
THURSDAY – ‘Black’ by Travis Meadows
Travis Meadows is an astounding songwriter and after missing his show last year, I was very excited to see him again this year. He was a complete standout. He told some great stories and his songs are just beautiful. The imagery and the emotion are just SO good.
You taught me there was more to life than getting by
If you want your dreams, the only limit is the sky
If you use your head, you won’t have to break your back
You taught me how to drink my coffee black
FRIDAY – ‘Miss Me More’ by Kelsea Ballerini (written by Kelsea Ballerini, David Hodges, and Brett McLaughlin) / ‘Since U Been Gone’ by Kelly Clarkson (written by Max Martin and Lukasz Gottwald)
There just so happened to be a Kelly Clarkson concert while we were in Nashville. She’s an artist I’ve always wanted to see and I’ve always wanted to see a concert in Nashville so I couldn’t resist. Plus Kelsea Ballerini was opening and I just adore her and her music. Her current single, ‘Miss Me More’ is one of my favourites off her current album, ‘Unapologetically.’
I thought I’d miss you
But I miss me more
I miss my own beat, to my own snare drum
I miss me more
Miss my own sheets in the bed I made up
I forgot I had dreams, I forgot I had wings
Forgot who I was before I ever kissed you
Yeah, I thought I’d miss you
But I miss me more
As you can imagine, Kelly Clarkson is a fantastic performer and the show was incredible. There were so many moments that took my breath away but there’s nothing quite like a whole arena screaming along to the same song. It was so much fun and so freeing.
But since you’ve been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I’m so moving on
Thanks to you
Now I get what I want
Since you’ve been gone
SATURDAY – Born on a Windy Day by Anna Vaus
On the last day of the festival, I went to a really good show. It was really hard to choose a song for this day but this song by Anna Vaus just captured my imagination. I loved the story and the imagery and I keep going back to the little video I took of it.
And a bird’s gonna fly if it’s got wings
A cowboy’s gonna run off when the sunset sings
It’s just one of those things that I can’t change
Oh, I was born, I was born on a windy day
SUNDAY – ‘I’ll Be There For You’ by The Rembrandts (written by Phil Solem, Danny Wilde, David Crane, Marta Kauffman, Michael Skloff, and Allee Willis)
The day after the festival finished, I was exhausted and so me and my writing partner had a chill day watching Friends while I recovered. I find it very difficult, especially in Nashville, to take down time and let go of being productive all the time. But I know that I have to build in recovery time because otherwise I burn out and have meltdowns. So we took a day off and watched Friends, hence this song choice.
So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job’s a joke, you’re broke
Your love life’s D.O.A
It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear
When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month
Or even your year
MONDAY – ‘Hypocrite’ by Savannah Keyes
I met Savannah when we played Song Suffragettes together and I love her and her music so much. Her lyric writing is just so detailed and clever. I’m so excited that she’s releasing music and this is her first single, which she played at the Song Suffragettes round I went to that night. I love her performance of it; she’s so cheeky and honest.
We all wish we weren’t so human sometimes
But we’re trying, yeah, we’re trying
We all wish we weren’t so human sometimes
But I’m trying, damnit, I’m trying
TUESDAY – ‘Flavor’ by Maren Morris (written by Maren Morris, Jimmy Robbins, and Laura Veltz)
Maren Morris is pretty much always on in the background of my life, ever since I discovered her first EP, so it’s not surprising that she features on this list so many times. I loved this song when she started playing it on tour a few years back and I’m so happy that it made the new album – it’s a true Maren Morris song.
I’m cooking up my own flavor
Even if it ain’t your style
You only see one layer
Original can take a while
Making a mess straight out of scratch
Think what you think about that
Oh I’m just tryna make good a little bit greater
I’m cooking up my own flavor
(This was also the evening I went to see Caylan (Caylan Hays) play a show and I wish I could choose all of the songs she performed. I can’t wait for her to release them – they were utterly gorgeous.)
WEDNESDAY – ‘A Song For Everything’ (written by Maren Morris, Jimmy Robbins, and Laura Veltz)
A fitting end for a trip focussed on music and songwriting. I love Maren Morris and I love this song. It’s beautifully produced and the melody and lyrics are just gorgeous. It’s definitely one of my favourite songs on the album and I only hope I can write a song as good as this one day.
One danced you through love
One rocked you through lonely
Mixtaped your heartbreak
And made you feel holy
Category: music, video Tagged: anna vaus, caylan hays, friends, girl, golden hour, kacey musgraves, kalie shorr, kelly clarkson, kelsea ballerini, lori mckenna, maren morris, music, nashville, nashville tennessee, natalie hemby, playlist, rainbow, savannah keyes, tin pan south, tin pan south 2019, travis meadows
Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder, as well as several mental health issues. I’m a singersongwriter so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is now available on iTunes and Spotify, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.
My second single, ‘Bad Night,’ is also now available on all platforms and is the first track from my new EP, ‘Honest.’