Finding HopeAutism Dogs – It’s A Match!
Posted on February 9, 2025
NOTE: Between my brain fog and a WordPress update, I lost track of the post between the first post – The Application – and this post, where I went up to the Autism Dogs farm to discuss the Advanced Tasks my dog would need to learn and met a few of the dogs they’re currently training. That post is here, in case you missed it. This post follows that one.
In April 2024, I went up to the Autism Dogs farm to discuss Advanced Tasks and meet some of their current dogs to get a sense of what breed of dog would be a good fit for me. We came to the conclusion that a female Labrador would be the best choice and not long after, in May, they contacted me to tell me that they had a potential match, a female black Labrador called River. They sent us a couple of photos and although she was very cute, I was reluctant to open myself up to getting attached before I’d even met her. What if I fell in love with her and then we weren’t compatible? I wanted to meet her before I let myself feel anything. So I waited – both excitedly and anxiously – for our next trip up to the farm.
It takes several hours for us to get up to the farm so my Mum and I caught the train to Stoke-on-Trent and I stayed over the night before at the Holiday Inn (they were dog-friendly and had many of my safe foods). We got there without too much trouble, although I do find travel tiring, and settled into our room – which had the biggest bathroom I think I’ve ever seen. Given how busy my week had been, having a quiet evening before our session with Autism Dogs and before meeting River wasn’t the worst thing.
Originally, the plan had been to bring Izzy so that she and River could meet but, as we got on the train, they called and asked us not to bring her as River had a bit of a cough; she’d be seeing the vet within the next day or two and they weren’t worried but they were reluctant to have the two dogs mixing just in case it was something infectious. But we were already on the train with Izzy so one of the team would look after her while we met River and the two could meet on the next visit should everything go well.
Izzy had never been in a hotel room before and while she initially found it the most exciting thing ever, she did start to struggle with the noises on either side and in the corridor. She found it hard to settle and she barked a bit but she wasn’t too bad, all things considering; it was a completely new experience for her, on top of all the travelling. I mean, I was feeling quite overwhelmed so I’m surprised she wasn’t more unsettled.
The next morning, we got up and – after a breakfast of ALL safe foods! – got a cab to the Autism Dogs farm. Izzy hung out with a member of the team: given how adorable she is, I’ve yet to find someone who doesn’t want to spend time with her. And once she was settled, Mum and I got ready to meet River. She bounded into the room, this gorgeous black Labrador – bigger than the black Labrador I grew up with – bounded into the room, super excited and running back and forth between me and Mum. Her enthusiasm was infectious. But once she calmed down a bit, she was so sweet and so gentle: she curled up with her head in my lap, soft and warm and snuggly, so quickly. I was in love.
We got to just hang out with her for a bit: play and stroke and cuddle and just really get a feel for each other. It wasn’t a hard decision at all. Mum and I both felt like she was a really good fit: personality wise, good size, her fur isn’t a sensory issue for me, we have experience with Labradors… She was so sweet and affectionate and it just felt really right. The team members who were present for that session said that they don’t often see dogs connect so quickly.
Early on in the process, we had asked whether we would be able to name the dog I was matched with, as I had a specific name in mind – if possible. They said that that was unlike to be a problem, especially if it was the same amount of syllables as the original name. So River became Daisy, my personal superdog, inspired by Daisy Johnson of Agents of Shield (my special interest character for those of you who don’t know). And while I am, of course, biased, I think she looks more like a Daisy than a River.
I can’t get over how lovely she is and I can’t wait to start really working with her and learning the training and really building that bond. Unfortunately, we couldn’t stay there indefinitely so, when our time was up, we said goodbye to Daisy and were reunited with Izzy, who was very excited to see us. We caught a cab to the station and then the multiple trains home. We were all exhausted and so finally, finally getting home was wonderful. My bed had never been so appealing and me and Izzy snuggled down together. She’s handled the whole thing really well, given how many new and potentially overwhelming things she’d encountered over the previous two days; I was really proud of her.
It was a really good day and I can’t wait to visit Daisy again.
It was a long, exhausting day but I felt like we’d made a real leap forward, having matched with Daisy. I do feel pretty overwhelmed and emotional by the whole thing but I only had to talk to Mum to restore my confidence in the choice. It’s just a really big change and I always find big changes very unsettling. But even though it does feel quite overwhelming, the team are great and I have faith in them to guide me through Daisy’s training and then support me once she comes to live with me. So, yes, there’s anxiety but, for the most part, it’s not overwhelming; I know it’s just my brain spiralling because that’s my knee jerk reaction to any upheaval in my life. But I feel well supported and, ultimately, excited about the path we are now absolutely on.
Discovering Cosmic Horror
Posted on December 23, 2024
A while back, my poetry group did a workshop based on the theme of ‘cosmic horror’ and I had, of course, signed up because I sign up to every workshop. The materials we discuss are always fascinating, the discussions are so much fun, and the poems everyone writes are incredible. I didn’t know what cosmic horror was but I’d been to workshops I’d known little about before and ended up writing poems I was really proud of. Still, I felt like I should do some research since I didn’t know what ‘cosmic horror’ actually was…
I spent several hours googling and searching on different social media platforms – sometimes I find someone describing something in layman’s terms easier to understand – but I wasn’t finding an explanation that really made it click for me. Then I came across this post on Tumblr…
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Reading this, I almost threw up because it explained a feeling I’ve had for as long as I can remember: that the world is horrifying and overwhelming and that living in it is all but unbearable. I don’t know when the pieces clicked together, what it was I learned that triggered that realisation but it’s one that I have never been able to forget even though I have no idea what the root of it is; every day it’s a battle not to be overwhelmed by it. I have never been able to articulate it but I feel like the ant described here. I’m full of emotions I can’t comprehend but can’t forget. I feel like I can’t be a ‘normal’ person ever again because once you learn what the world is really like, you can’t unlearn it. I feel ‘mad’ in the way this post describes. I feel like this ant, screaming and convulsing until it kills me. I’ve never seen or heard anything that comes so close to describing how I feel at the core of who I am as a human being. I can’t tell whether it’s more validating or triggering.
I don’t know how accurate this is as a definition or explanation of cosmic horror but it resonated with me so shockingly that I still feel rattled by it. The poetry workshop was excellent, as usual, and the poems written by the group really blew me away. I didn’t feel able to get that far into the subject matter – all of these feelings were still too raw – but I think I still managed to write some interesting pieces. I’d like to finish them at some point or take them in a different direction if the cosmic horror theme still feels too much.
It’s interesting to me that I found this just as I’ve started somatic therapy sessions, given that somatic therapy is about releasing the trauma you’re carrying in your body, knowingly or unknowingly. I don’t know where this terror of the unknowable, these existential fears, came from but maybe my body does and maybe this therapy will help because I don’t know how much longer I can carry this; an ant can only scream and convulse for so long before it dies.
Eight Month Pupdate
Posted on April 13, 2024
This was supposed to be a six month update post on life with Izzy in it but, between the trauma of breaking up with my therapist and trying to write that out of my system, it’s become more like an eight month update. I’m not sure how that much time with my baby has passed already but I’m so grateful to have found her, that we made the decision to bring her home. She’s snuggled her way into my heart and I adore her more than I really understood to be possible. As well as being a consistent source of joy, she’s an incredibly grounding presence and although I’m not sure I can describe it, she gives me something that I desperately need. I love my cats dearly but the relationships are very different and the way Izzy loves to be close, responds to my emotions, clearly tries to make me feel better when I’m struggling… it helps me in a very specific way and I’m so, so grateful for that.
If you’ve been following me for a while (on here or on either Instagram or TikTok), you may remember that I got a puppy – a Pomchi (half Pomeranian, half Chihuahua) called Izzy – last September. Back then, she was an excitable handful of fur with huge ears and there was nothing she loved more than a snuggle. And now, suddenly eight months have passed and her personality has become even bigger than her ears…
Now, at almost ten months old, she’s become such a character. She’s the sweetest little soul and she’s almost always up for a snuggle (sometimes the desire to play is just too strong). I completely adore her and she completely adores me; she always wants to be, at the very least, in the same room as me (and preferably pressed up against me) and she jumps up into my hands when I reach for her. It’s so cute. She hated sleeping apart from me, no matter how many different strategies we tried, so she does just sleep in my bed with me. I love it and she seems to as well; I worried that that would become a problem when I needed to be away but she’s handled it fine, as long as she’s with someone she knows. She’s also become a proper little guard dog and she takes her role of defending our house very seriously. I should’ve seen that coming since protectiveness is a core trait in both Pomeranians and Chihuahuas. She’s especially protective of me, which is very cute but it is a behaviour that we need to work on: the amount of potentially scary barking just isn’t necessary, especially when that level of protectiveness hasn’t been required once so far. But she’s young and bright and we’re working on it; I’m not worried.
At only a few months, she was curious and excitable and smart and now she’s even more so. She’s so quick to pick up on what’s going on – especially when I’m upset – and she’s learned so many tricks: my personal favourites are ‘high five’ and ‘spin,’ both of which she picked up so fast. She’s really good with a lot of the more basic ones too and between her getting better at communicating what she wants or needs and us getting better at interpreting that behaviour, we’ve worked out a good routine together in which she really seems to thrive. She’s gotten so much more confident too and she’s really grown into herself (although not her ears – they are still huge and it does make me smile to think about whether, when she cocks her head in a certain way, she’s listening to messages from NASA).
She’s still desperate to be friends with the cats. And although they’re all much more settled and able to coexist reasonably peacefully, most of the cats still keep their distance – her bounciness is clearly still a bit too unpredictable for them – but they all stand their ground when she rushes up to them. They’re not quite ready to be best friends. But Lucy, the eldest, has started to engage with her, on her own terms of course. She’s starting to play and seems to enjoy provoking Izzy, only to leap out of her reach. So they’re not there yet, but you can see the relationships growing. It’s a very interesting process to watch, to see them learn how to communicate and how to create and respect each other’s boundaries. They’ve made a lot of progress since the early days and it gives me hope that, sometime soon, those relationships will grow even further and they’ll be able to interact gently and affectionately.
We’ve been able to leave her alone for longer periods, alone and with other people, and we just got back from two weeks away in Nashville: Izzy stayed at home with an experienced house sitter so that both she and the cats wouldn’t have their routines disturbed too much. I was a little worried about her being without us for so long but, as I knew deep down, she would be fine. And she was, but she was beside herself to see us again. That was a very joyful reunion, on both sides. And we’ve been glued together ever since, which has been lovely. She’s been grinning almost non-stop and it’s beyond adorable.
I can’t believe that I’ve had her by my side for eight months now. As I write this, she’s tucked into my body with her chin resting in the crook of my elbow, snoring softly. She’s soft and warm and perfectly content. And with her next to me, as close as she can get, everything feels a little less overwhelming.
Finding Hope 